Hash Trash 1500
What a momentous occasion we had all been awaiting, now finally the day had come. Massive preparations by Mismanagement and many volunteer Hashers was finally going to be put to the test. And your Scribe for one was mightily impressed with how the Hash Family pulled together to make this event a memorable one. We were graciously hosted by Uncle Tupua Fred Wetzell at Apia Concrete Products – the Foundation of Samoa – in Vaitele. Kiwi had set the run on flour, and although he said it would be a short one, our collective memories of Kiwi-set runs made most of us wary. The Pack was led out of the gates in Vaitele-Tai by Poumuli, Swinger and Schannell, in sunshine and few clouds. Schannell quickly drew ahead so far that he did not hear the “R U?” calls, and thinking since we were all following that it was alright. This nonsense was quickly realized and we turned back after about a km in the wrong direction, up the road between Vailima and Yazaki, where a tricky falsie had been laid. Hot Nuts was on a roll, but drew the wrong straw, but it kept the Pack together for large sections of the run. After another falsie, where Swinger was seen to ask some local boys which way Kiwi had run (should’ve been an award) and Pussysnatcher was far up the wrong way (sounds more exciting than it was), the trail was relocated and off we ran into some plantation land, followed by dirt roads and down to the Airport Road, on home to ACP. The Hashers helped themselves to Godfather’s sweet nuts and the keg was already flowing, due to large numbers of non-runners, but we had three kegs so it worked out.
Eveready stepped in as acting GM, rather bizarrely attired in a cross between Angus Young and the Village People, but one doesn’t criticize the GM. He welcomed us to this very special run on this fine day, and that while the moon would soon be out there was no need to go bananas, and no speeding out of ACP where there was a strict 5 mph speed limit. He spoke too soon.
The GM welcomed all the newcomers to Hash, and there were many. There was Sean from Oz (here for TIDES, but really a journalist of some renown), Michael from Brisbane, Neil from Suva (working for IFC), Andy from somewhere unpronounceable/uncommunicable in Oz, Lisa (a 4 year resident of Samoa!!!), Roscoe from Pago and Captain George (30 year resident in Samoa). There was also Cash Powell (a guest of MilkMe), Hungry John from Washington DC, Zsa Zsa Sr from Hungary with his wife (well trained in Hash etiquette!) and Laura from DC as well (here with Swinger at CI). A very modest introduction from Caroline, who said she worked for the New Zealand High Commission. Our special guests from Nuanua le Alofa were also welcomed. All in all, our headcounter of the day, Pussysnatcher tallied up 110 people. (Note – we should do a runs statistics page for the blog.)
Godfather requested and was given the floor to speak a bit about Hashistory in Samoa, and to extend his personal welcome and thanks to all, and that he was delighted with the turnout. He was humbled by the presence of so many, especially old friends, and friends who have said they would join Hash for years. It was fitting that this momentous occasion could be held at Uncle Fred’s, who was cheered by the Hash. 29 years ago the first run was held and there were only about 6 runners! These included John Arkindale (the Founder), John Milne, Godfather, Godmother and a couple of others. The first run was held at Malifa, the second at Vailima and the third on Godfather’s plantation. Unfortunately all the old records have been lost, as we can see from the blog. After some technical assistance from Caroline, Godfather read out an email from John Arkindale, congratulating the Apia Hash (full text will be provided later). According to Godfather’s calculations, the Apia Hash has now run more than 6000 km, and in terms of beer consumed at least 60,000 litres of Vailima – or 29 truck loads. Out of that he was sure that SOTB and AC/DC could account for one truck load between themselves. Godfather noted how Hash has developed a life and a soul of its own, and it is heartening that we were able to give back to the community with the donation to Nuanua le Alofa tonight. He thanked all those who have worked so hard to keep Hash alive, particularly Snake and Shafter during some difficult times, but the group has rallied and now includes many more local runners than expats and temporary residents. All who run on Mondays appreciate the friendship and camaraderie, and many marriages have started through Hash, as well as many a child conceived. Godfather also recounted some of the reasons behind the particular Hash names. For example Sassygirl had been a bit of a Hash bitch, hence her son had to be named SOTB, Son Of The Bitch. But Sassygirl also has a second name, received during a run hosting several Niueans at Vavau, when she had passed out from the heat (and pre-run Vailimas). When Godfather found her he saw that Kiwi was trying to resuscitate her, but not in the usual mouth-to-mouth CPR. He was instead using a traditional Samoan technique for awakening stunned birds and was busily blowing into her behind – hence the additional Hash name of Blowjob or BJ. Snake on the other hand had been lost in the Apolima heights and returned with a snake around his neck, which then cascaded into the names of Fang, Snakebite and Venom. Crime got his name for serving time at Tafaigata (your Scribe has heard a different version), while Long Dong fathered 13 children. After all this history, Godfather got a compulsory down-down.
The GM saluted our three life time Hash Members, with over 800 runs under their belts, namely Godfather, Snake and Kiwi. Snake proposed a toast to absent friends, in particular Godmother, Desirable and Shafter. Godfather made the special presentation of the Hash donation to Nuanua le Alofa of 1500 tala, which was immediately matched by Uncle Fred and the Foundation of Samoa, to wild cheers from the Hash. The representative from Nuanua le Alofa thanked the Hash warmly and said it was an honor to accept on behalf of his group, which was set up in 2001, and congratulated all the runners and wished them a fun night.
Since at most such momentous events the national anthems are usually sung, the GM commanded Karaoke, Sassygirl, Ring Ring, Screamer, Wahoo and Mele to lead the Hash in the Hash National Anthem – Swing Low Sweet Chariot – replete with hand gestures as inappropriate.
Back to the normal programme, the GM called forth the Rethreads – they were Sid the Tall Maori, MilkMe, Dizzy, Underrated, Flash Gordon, Emmy, Walking Eagle, Einstein, Hobbes, Lara, Long Dong, Rottweiler, Chook, Soprano and a few more that your Scribe missed because of the noise levels. The shoe inspection was carried out by AC/DC and Sid was found guilty, although there should have been more. In a special GM award, it was reported that a lot of Hash Meres had complained about the conduct of a certain Hasher, preventing them access to a floating esky of Vailima. Drowning out his protests (there were cries of “whining bitch”), the GM gave him what can best be described as a head nipple or giant condom, as well as a large down-down. The GM also had an award for a Hasher who he had spotted on Queen Street in Auckland, and who required a tap on his shoulder by Karaoke to recognize them, so Swinger got the Bird Watching Award. Really getting into it now, the GM reported that a Hash Mere had turned up at a party with 6 condoms, and left the party with 3 on the table. While Screamer claimed this was a lie and that all 6 were left behind, she had to get the Leaving Up To Hash Name Award, and it was a big one that took forever, making the GM mutter that she can use condoms but cannot drink!
The GM had asked one of the Hashers why he hadn’t gone on the run, to which Brazilian Wax said he had a sore on his toe. But this was invisible to the GM, so Brazilian go the Imaginary Injury Award. Celebrity Awards were given to Godfather, Sassygirl and SOTB for numerous appearances in the Observer. (shame Mighty Mouse didn’t come, as we had 5 entries for her). Snake awarded the Joker Award to Chilindrina, but only because it matched her outfit, and she was somehow joined by Hobbes in the down-down. Sassygirl didn’t have her Hash Monkette outfit on, as she was only going to give one name that night. Recounting how Hash names had to arise from doing lots of stupid things, she made the stripped down Schannell kneel on the ice cubes while she recounted his behavior when competing for girls attention, as well as when anyone was remotely interested in any girl in his vicinity. Arise, Cockblocker, but only after a lot of pelting had been done by sundry Hash Meres. While the Hash Meres got ready to perform, Uncle Fred called for a Slacker Award to Austin for obviously shortcutting the run.
The Hash Mere group – the Jelly Bellies – performed a beautiful dance number, albeit with some varying coordination, it was a done with great intensity and got better as the stage fright wore off. The Hash Men led by AC/DC did a number more or less made up on the spot by AC/DC, culminating in a Michael Jackson crotch grab. They were too jolly to get anyone but FBI to be a fa’fafine taupo, assisted by Pussysnatcher. The GM reintroduced the Jelly Bellies who did their final number – a song dedicated to the beautiful woman Vahine, accompanied by flower petals thrown and smiles throughout. They were wildly cheered, and congratulated by the GM for their hours of practice. A big thanks to Mismanagement for their efforts and down-downs for Sassygirl. SOTB, Snake, BB, Crash and Kiwi as the Hare.
One visitor from Pago had escaped the circle, but was introduced as Wacko, and he had in fact run the 24th Hash in Apia. He had also arrange to host the Apia Hash in Pago, and had shown them some more seedy sides of the town, culminating in Godfather doing the lambada with someone named Dirty Dora, so he joined Wacko in the down-down.
Uncle Fred was thanked and two Hash commemorative t-shirts were handed to him. After telling us to get our glasses charged, he welcomed the Hash to the Foundation of Samoa, that this was the Hashers home, and thanked the Hash for the great honor. He asked that all the Hash brothers and sisters take a moment of silence in tribute to a great lady – Godmother – before offering the toast. We were then treated to live music and dancing, and a whole heaping load of food.