This momentous occasion was characterised by what it was and what it was not – a quiet dignified affair, to reflect on the long history and achievements of Apia Hash, solicitous and retrospective discussion and analysis. Hell with 6 kegs this was going to be a good one!
We were again gracefully hosted by Apia Concrete Products, the Foundation of Samoa, and although we missed Uncle Fred’s presence, at least we only had one ukulele to contend with. There had been some missed smoke signals so two sets of hares had been out setting runs. Your Scribe fears that we actually ran both trails. It was on out the gate, with a long false trail towards the airport – we really need to codify the rules a bit better! Oh, no rules in Hash, so it was back and up the long slow climb of the road that has a name, but sweat was preventing its proper commitment to memory. For yes, while it was balmy by the shore at ACP, on these roads it was baking. It was pre-heat the oven, stick the silly fools in there and bake. Bake! At the top we veered right, into a false trail, then left, parallel for a while then up again. False trail, meandering through the side streets, for another false trail. The only benefit was that the Frontrunning Bastards were brought down a notch and the pack stayed remarkably together. However, derogatory comments were made about them when they eventually overtook the somewhat slower runners and walkers. This was totally forgotten by the time the circle started unfortunately. The trail eventually turned back towards Vaitele Road, and the common sentiment was to get back to ACP ASAP, no matter what f’ing idea for another false trail the Hares may have had in their addled minds. In this heat there is only one thing that works, and that is sucking down on Godfather’s succulent sweet nuts followed by Vailima!
With such a large turn-out, it was really hard to get the circle going. Sassygirl BJ had also just been pushed and shoved as she tried to sell the 1800 t-shirts, but she seemed to enjoy it. But when POD tried to get it all going, she was not only battling the voices of loud drunk lunatics (one Slim Shady), hyena-laughing brothers (Dawn Raid and AC/DC) and sundry others, but also the increasing pitch of the wind blowing in the wind. After resorting to using the voice normally reserved for Lewinsky malfeasances, she finally got us started. New to Apia Hash was Mrs Whippy, although she has been present before but hiding in the kitchen. Then there was Fabian from Germany, one of a first of his kind not being able to follow orders, who dobbed in Sunny Side Up by using her real name.
The retreads were legion, so its appropriate to start with Dawn Raid (deported), Ozzy Osbourne (working late), Soprano (too lazy), Naval Base (cooking), Karaoke (babysitting motherless child), Kiwi AKA Tiger Woody (lost), Ring Ring (alone in the house), AC/DC (busy, or buzzing, couldn’t quite hear), Crash Bandicoot (looking after mother in law) and Xavier (paddling).
Katy was appointed shoe inspector and after a near fail, the absence of running shoes on FBI caught her attention. In what was obviously an attempt to pervert the cause of justice, a vote was set as to whether he had been hiding the evidence in the ocean. 99.8% of those present shouted their affirmation. It was then doubled as he was wearing a headband for non-religious purposes.
Celebrity Awards went to Captain Mortein (there is something rotten in the state of Denmark headline) and Crash and AC/DC as closest living relatives to Lezzie (seen in a photo chatting with the PM).
This Day in History Awards went to Katy and Swinger (1002 – English king Æthelred II orders the killing of all Danes in England, known today as the St. Brice's Day massacre – this was an entirely commendable act by the Poms), Witch Doctor (1905 – Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway), Snake and Hot Nuts (Feast Day of St Gregory of Tours), Gayboy (Feast Day of St Homobonus – not kidding, saint of handbag makers and business mens) and Poumuli (International Day for Tolerance – out of tolerance for the previous saint).
The GM had done some research on the year 1800, and noted that in this year the world population reached the 1 billion mark, and promptly called on Soprano for his contribution. Also Napoleon crossed the Alps and invaded Italy, this went to Gianluca and our little Napoleon Karaoke. Smallpox vaccines also became available in North America, so this one went to Cockblocker as he is a pox upon women. It was also the first time that Christmas Day became a public holiday in the US, so Pussysnatcher came to enjoy that one.
Turning to the GM’s awards, she had been informed that Poumuli had been pissed as newt and had missed his flight and forced colleagues to step in for him. After explaining his side of the story, Slim Shady joined him for not advocating for fellow hasher/vindictiveness.
Ozzie was then brought forward to explain a keg mishap. He had complained that he wasn’t “getting any head”, to which Daz had commented “don’t you hate that”, with return comment “I am used to it”. They were joined by CB who had told a Mere “you have to go down or it won’t come”. Slim Shady snorted that this was the first time CB had provided excellent advice.
At this point the Mad Monk of Apia Hash arrived, and called on a young lady who plays with fire. Katy will henceforth be known as Flaming Buns.
Then she called on a Hasher who has played with Hot Cross Buns, and as he has a gynaecologist friend who has been teaching him things, henceforth Daz will be known as Nom Nom.
Another Hasher was brought forward who delves in manure and smelly stuff, and also talks a lot of crap, so henceforth Murray will be known as Shit Bags.
A schooling Mere was brought forward, who like an albatross hangs around the neck, beautiful for sure, but that will teach’um, so Ronna shall henceforth be known as Anchor.
Another bossy young lady was called up, talks a lot, carries on in that accent, so Claudia will henceforth be known as Il Capo.
A very young Hasher has not been named, the offspring of Pussysnatcher and Snatched, who shall henceforth be known as Scratcher.
A named Hash Mere had been sending smoke signals about being renamed, and in light of what happened to the Poms at the RWC, IRA shall henceforth be known as Cupless.
Then the Mad Monk had a huge down down before flying off on her broomstick.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Lewinsky. When cause was requested, he offered a Good Parenting Award for hurling one of his sprogs bodily out of the circle.
FBI nominated Swinger for the Illegal Parking of the Week Award, for having made him squeeze through. Because he didn’t like a bit of squeeze, FBI joined Swinger in the award. Slim Shady nominated Shit Bags and Strap On for the Ungentlemanly Award for not getting Wahoo a drink, which Wahoo heartily joined. Eveready then opined that since Poumuli hadn’t poured for her either that he should have gotten this award, but since Eveready hadn’t poured for Karaoke they both received this one.
Poumuli nominated Prince for bringing the Hash into disrepute for his athletic performance at the end, sprinting past huffing Hashers and amused locals. Sassy then nominated Swingmother for not being dressed as a Hasher, which was then turned into some sort of evocative dance.
Swinger wanted to nominate Godfather and Crime for messing up the trail, but ultimately they were all being idiots, led by our GM, so those three took one. Lewinsky nominated Gayboy for his new cup, bought by his Mum, showing how he was embracing his lifestyle. Not sure why this ended up with Lewinsky, Gayboy and Shit Bags taking this one.
Strap On related how last week after finishing the keg, a frantic call had been received that someone was looking for a hearing aid, and an expensive one at that. When he slipped up that this was Tammy rather than Titty Galore he let out a groan. Not to let this one go, CB added that he had been ready to go home, and it was he who had to look for Godfather’s ears with Strap On, thus Titty G and Strap On got a Heroes Award, although Godfather also dobbed in CB.
Swinger then got his goat up and lambasted those Hashers who still don’t know the rules, etc etc. CB and Poumuli for missing crosses, Eveready and Kiwi for good blowjobs on Monica.
As it was Shit Bags birthday, he was allowed to speak, and he noted that if you cant be with the ones you love, love the ones you are with. Gayboy smartly stepped away. POD then added a French tricolour to the Hash Shrine, inxsnay on the Mad Monks brassiere.
Mismanagement was saluted, then the Hosts and the Hares, before we feasted on a great buffet offered by Naval Base. Yum.
Next week’s run, number 1804 will be hosted by Gayboy at the Blue Oyster Bar, or Sunrise Restaurant in Matauta in the Port.
Poumuli, IKA Slit