Apia Hash House Harriers

Hash Trash 1607

2012-02-02T19:02:00.002+14:00

Kia Ora Hashers, greetings from Wahoo and I in NZ. Here is the Trash courtesy of Desperate Housewife! We may retain her services. See you next week.
Poumuli

If we all thought it was hot during Hash Run 1606, this week’s run was torture. It was like running through Lucifer’s hot fiery hell hole. This was a run of “False Trails” with HH, Toothfairy, Fireman Sam and SOTB plotting a run with many twists and turns.

As soon as we left the Marina Hotel, we had a flour circle and had to look for the trail. Some FRBs headed towards Palolo Deep whilst the others went in the opposite direction towards YNot – the correct way much to the chagrin of the FRBs who went in the other direction. There was then a choice of heading towards Apia Park or going on past Aggie Grey’s. Those who went the Apia park way were again foiled by the false track. So everyone progressed past Aggie’s and then took a left through the carpark heading towards Coffee Bean, again if we had proceeded to run along Cross Island Road, we would have met with another False trail, however Vai Vai was on the ball and took us through the back of the Police Department. Although once we went through the police department and reached Lewinsky’s place of business, we had lost the flour trail altogether. Whilst we were waiting, pondering on which way to go, across the road – Karaoke and Eveready were having a lovely time walking along the sea wall in the shade whilst we mad folk were sweltering the hot sun just wanting to find the flour so we could end this torture.

We eventually went back the way we came and found the trail over a heap of mud and rocks where they are making a new road and we ended up near McDonald’s and then headed up past Snake and Fang’s place. The track the made a turn near Ah Liki’s and we headed on through til we again reached another flour circle (I would like to know what the technical term for this flour circle is). We again had to find the right track. Some went straight through whilst others took a right and headed up towards Airport Road. Incidentally at this time, Godfather was caught in the act of Chariot riding and joined the crew heading towards Airport Road. Unfortunately he joined the wrong crowd as they were again unknowingly leading him to another FALSE TRAIL!!!
Once everyone was back on track, the run headed towards the BlueSky Samoatel building and along the road heading back towards Apia Park way. We crossed the road at the big intersection near the ANZ (Sexpot is not going to be happy with me dropping that name!) and headed finally back to our destination where thank goodness there was a swimming pool for us all to cool down in. Although with all our hot bodies (temperature wise!), the pool soon turned into a heated pool.
All in all it was a very good run which, if we had not come across any false trails, would have been a nice 30 mins, but with all those road blocks we most of us finished around 40-45 mins. In that sweltering heat I reckon we all lost 5kgs in sweat alone!

After a delicious pre-hash circle appetizer of clams kindly provided to us by the hosts, GM called the Hash Circle to order.
Firstly there were a few newbies. Fireman Sam had his two lovely sisters Tasha and Margarita attending Hash. Denver was invited by Witch Doctor but called her by her real name so a down down went to Witch Doctor who tossed most of it over her shoulder – beer abuse!!! It should have been a double DD. Cassie was invited by Kat & Beyonce (Ted).

Rethreads were then called to front and centre. They included Top Shelf (visiting family in the US), Snake (Banging Fang), Urs (excuse was that he lives too far away) and Gian (same excuse). The last two lads were getting abused during the “down down” song as they were drinking before the “drink it down, down, down, down...” part.

New Shoe inspection was next. Ola and Dried Nuts were called up. Top Shelf had hers inspected but they were deemed too smelly go near, although her bright fluorescent socks made up for it. By the time the down down with the shoes happened, there was no beer left in Dried Nuts shoe as the specific model was those “easy breathing” shoes with lots of aeration. It was later overheard that Dried Nuts had actually done a practice run, filling her shoes with water and already knew that she wouldn’t have to drink out of them when the time came.

Celebrity Award was next on the cards and Sassy was nominated for being in the paper ( ), also Sexpot thought he had got away with no one calling him up for being on TV earlier in the week until Desperate Housewife dobbed him in.
This day in history awards went to: Top Shelf (US abolishes slavery), Titty G (exposing herself at a Hash Function a` la Janet Jackson at the Superbowl), Captain Mortein (Danish ship MS Hans Hedtoft, deemed to be unsinkable, hits iceberg and sinks) also Vai Vai had to join in the down down for calling Captain Mortein by his real name.

Angler award down down to Toothfairy who, whilst also being seasick managed to catch himself a 60kg Yellowfin Tuna.
Latecummers down down to Dumbass, Hans & Olsen.
Father of the Year Award went to Captain Mortein who almost let his daughter drown due to lack of supervision and too much attention to other Hash meres. This award soon got changed to Parents of the Year Award when Pirate Princess almost let the same thing happen later in the evening. Captain had a double DD whilst Pirate Princess was also forcing Captain to have hers (a triple!) – however this was kindly taken by Sassygirl instead.

Hashman Slippery had his 60th birthday last week and did not go to Hash but instead took his wife out to dinner so he was given a down down too.
Another incident resulted in Lewinsky taking a down down due to making Ben the Cripple hobble his way across the room to give Lewinsky his beer whilst he was lounging in the pool. Lewinsky countered saying that the beer was warm by the time Ben got it to him.

Godfather was given a down down for chariot riding. Sam also got a down down due to his sister leaning on a post and Sam not disclosing to her the Hash rules.
Snake then nominated the cripple, Ben for talking during the proceedings going on in the Hash circle.

Sassygirl nominated Sue for taking a Hash mere’s money but not remembering her name and confusing the hell out of Sassygirl.
SOTB then nominated Captain Mortein for using the excuse that his daughter was hungry so that he could eat a sausage.
Karaoke and Ring Ring accused Vai Vai of being a “mata aitu” (Peeping Tom) for perving on them for a whole hour whilst they were doing a Zumba class at the Aquatic Centre.

Sassygirl called Horny Ho to the front for de-motivating Sassygirl by telling her not to run but to hang back in the pool and drink beers with her. They ended up having a down down together.
Vaivai nominated a certain Hashman who was riding in the back of a pick up in a boat whilst drinking a beer while his poor pregnant wife was driving – Lewinsky. However Lewinsky managed to coerce the GM up too as he was witness to the incident so they had a down down together.

Sassygirl called up Beyonce as he now responds more to the name Beyonce than his real name Ted. Beyonce also calls up Kats as they had recently got married. Kats took way too long with the down down so Sexpot finished it for her.
Vai Vai got a done for abusing a hashman’s trust and property by putting a hole in Lewinsky’s kayak. Then Snake got a down down for the exact thing he caught out Ben doing – although this time Snake was also fondling fruit.
Hare and hosts – Horny Ho, Sam, Toothfairy and GM all came up and proceeded to down down their vailimas.

After the Hash Circle, a lavish spread was put out for the hungry Hashmen and meres, including Oka, Poke, Chicken, Sosisi (minus the one Capt Mortein pinched) salad and taro. A great night.

Next week’s run is hosted by Kiwi and Slippery past the NUS. No need to bring food as the Hosts are supplying (even though it is the 1st Monday of the month). But bring a change of clothing as this run could get messy.
Sassygirl will be standing in for the GM over the next two weeks whilst he’s in LA LA LAND.

On On
Desperate Housewife

Hash Run - 30th Jan - Sam the Fireman & HH @ Marina Hotel - Matautu

2012-01-27T14:44:00.002+14:00

Evening All,

Next week's run will be hosted by the Fireman and HH at the Marina Hotel in Matautu. This is located, well, you guessed it, in Matautu, opposite the Marina! :)

There is also a new pool there so if you fancy a dip after the run (Pls rinse down first) then bring a change of clothes (and no peeing in the pool) - special orders from the Fire Dept.

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the spread, but we will reconfirm with them and let you know on the blog. Dont forget your hash cash.
Will have a keg and drinks as per usual

No Map for this location, head down to the marina and look for the Hotel.

On On

Hash Trash 1606

2012-01-25T13:18:00.003+14:00

Oh God our help in ages past, we needed strength for this run. Hosted by Princess of Darkness and Lewinsky, with Lewinsky setting a trail that was surely going to test us. The heat was high in the afternoon, as we set off down the familiar paths past Vai Vai’s water torture course, only to find the longest false trail in Hash history. Disgruntled we trundled back looking for the way out, only to be met by a grinning Lewinsky pointing us up to the East Coast Road. There was some confusion here, as the walkers had picked the right track and headed through Apia Park, while the runners picked up the return trail coming the other way. We ran down past the churches and headed right near Vailele. This was a long straight and slightly rising road that eventually took us past NUS. That long road there was hotter than the sun and many were visibly melting. Turning the corner after the cemetery it was straight down to Apia Park, via the back roads we have run on many times. Except when the runners got there the gates had been closed, so we had to add on the long run down to the UN building and back up the road to Taumeasina. Basically the run was a bugger.

SOTB was present and accounted for, and called the circle to order. The newbies were Filomena, brought by Sassygirl, David from Brisbane, and Sue and David who had been invited by Strangler. The rethreads were Slim Shady (in NYC), Ben (recovering from pretending to be part of the road), Eveready (overseeing Delicious’ accident), Bruce and Desperate Housewife (did a double for wearing a cap).

Shoe inspection followed, with the GM doing the honours. We had all seen Pussysnatchers fancy new shoes, but these had been hidden away. Instead Poumuli nominated PS for an award for conspiring with a local cat to piss on Poumuli’s shoes.
Celebrity Award went to Sexpot for the advert in the Observer masquerading as a news story. Should be illegal! This Day in History Awards went to Fireman Sam (in 1960 the US Mercury space programme launched a monkey named Sam into space), PS (feast day of St Paul’s Conversion), Lewinsky for POD (1998 2nd European Space Agency Ariane rocket launched), and Poumuli and Witch Doctor (1995 Norway launches a satellite that Russians mistake for a Trident missile, nearly sparking a retaliatory nuke attack).

The GM had an award for an older fitter hasher who had been spotted on the golf course with not one but three caddies, and female at that, but they looked between 8-9 years old. Tallyho got the Employment Promotion Award, although it was bordering to something else!

Lewinsky had been fishing trying to get some victuals for the Hash, but all he got was a tiny wahoo. So for the Epic Fail Award he was joined by Wahoo. Then there was a special birthday award for Ninja. We also learned that Sassy had qualified for the Classic Pratfall Award, by falling and sliding on a deceptively flat piece of floor, somewhat under the influence, but not so much that she didn’t rescue the bottle of Baileys to the detriment of her rump.

Opening up for nominations we had a bit of a kerfuffle, as Harlech confidently tried to nominate the GM for no apparent reason, and while Tallyho should have explained things a bit better to him, it was decided that Harlech should take the You Need to Have a Point Award.

Colm nominated PS for dragging 14 people through a flooded canal, and 10 of them didn’t make it. PS defended himself vigorously, that this was a voluntary event, and he had explained the hazards. A vote was taken, and the Extreme Slippery Award went to them both.

Further on Ninja’s party, after her flying fox impersonation Sassy had been recuperating on Ninja’s bed, only to be awoken by the words “wake up I’m horny”. This rather disturbed her as it was Horny Ho who was uttering the phrase. Horny Ho got the Lesbian Vampire Killers Needed Award. On a similar theme, Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess were spotted fondling and canoodling, which is not allowed in the circle. Get A Room Award.

Strangler had been running late and was just behind a car that suddenly stopped in the middle of traffic. SOTB tried to insist that he had stopped to help the Hare get back on time, and Strangler shouldn’t have been up his ass like that anyway, but the crowd was not having this.

Sassy had spotted an incident earlier on the lawn, when a Hash Baby had been stung by a wasp. Lewinsky got an Equipment Maintenance Failure Award. Then there was Titty Galore who had also been at Ninja’s party, going on and on about her early morning yoga classes and have tough they were, and that even Godfather was going. But the combination of yoga and other sports had made him so weak he could not even crack a small taro. Censored Award.

Snatch had been attentively listening to the birthday speech during the Ninja party, but was surprised to hear Sassy yell “speech, speech” almost immediately afterwards. Early Alzheimer Award to Sassy. Back to the run, Sexpot had been sweating trying to catch up, but when he ran past Scoops there was Titty G, eating a feast and waving. This is not what we are supposed to be doing during the run, so a Wrong Award went to Titty G.

Ben, poor guy got a Sitting Down Award, and insisted on standing for the rest of the circle, even as he had been given dispensation by the GM. This sort of Kim Jong Il behaviour should be stamped on next week. DMT had a cellphonus interruptus, while Sassy decided that the three quiet and polite people needed a down-down, Diwai, Sue and David. Poumuli tried to get Lewinsky for the fact that there was nothing on the Lewinsky saga this week, but had forgotten that this had already been raised, so a Stupid Mouth Opens Before Brain Award. Proboner was a latecummer.

Sassy had been asking around for possible hosts, and one couple had agreed to host but only once their house was fixed up. Since Alan had then promptly started painting and fixing, we could only give him a Dedication to Hash and/or Mana Award.
Slim Shady called for a Leavers Award for Colm. Hornithologist started to tell the PS story again, so an immediate Apparently Blonde Award was given. This prompted Sassy to remember the strange chase we had seen on the lawn involving said blonde and Strangler. It was all a bit weird, so we gave him a This Cannot Be Explained Award.

The Hare and the Hosts were then saluted, including Mr and Mrs Lewinsky. They had arranged for a great feast and all were happy to eat after the long run and arduous circle.

There is no host as yet for next week, so watch the blog.
Desperate Housewife will be Assistant Trainee Scribe next week. Also please check out the post from Vai Vai regarding the biathlon.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Greetings from World Hash

2012-01-25T10:25:00.000+14:00

Happy New Year – from Stray Dog and Little Pig in Jiangmen, China!

Today as we celebrate Chinese New Year and recently the holiday season and western New Year, we have a lot to think about in our hash resolution over the next year. Here are some things you should consider:

* In many hashes, a very few people do all the work. Have you done your share of the haring, helped out with hash chores in the last year as much as you should have? Make a resolution to do your share over the next year.

* Some hashes suffer from attendance, especially in the colder months in the temperate climates or the wet months in the Monsoon areas. Make a resolution to be a REAL hasher and support your hash more over the last year, especially on those hash days when it takes a tough “resolve” to get out there and do your part.

* World Interhash Events – We are blessed this year with three events who are aiming at a world audience. While some poofters whine about it, any good hasher likes the variety and more opportunities to see others in the hash around the world. While I would like you to join me in Orlando for the 18th World Interhash, a weekend I have put on annually since 1995 for the whole world (formerly known as Global Trash Hash), I would ask that you only attend one of these events and vote with your interhash dollars. For further details, go to the worldhhh.com calendar and look up continental or world events.

Interhash – Held in Java in May and the original interhash event aimed at the whole world. Despite past problems with graft, corruption and election fraud allegations, the current hosts promise a fair deal and the Belgium folks want your vote and support to take the next one. While tailored a world event, it has actually been held in Asia/Down-Under all but two occasions in Cyprus and Wales respectively.

The Great African Hash MigratiON – Held in Mombasa Kenya, this promises to be a gathering of friendly folks with no further agendas or elections, but just to have fun. It is a spinoff from the last Interhash event resulting from election problems alleged to have occurred in Borneo that caused the Africa bid to lose.

World Interhash – Last held in Jiangmen, China, this is a truly world interhash event being held in Orlando, Florida USA the last weekend in September. It is the lowest cost of the three and has a rich tradition of being the best bang for your buck interhash in the world annually since 1995. A great show, great trails, great food and great beer is promised, as well as one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world. See you there! http://www.worldinterhash.com/

HURRY – The current US$99.95 registration fee is a real bargain (when you consider $250 to $300 elsewhere), so sign up today before it goes up soon!

* Please support the World Hash House Harriers who are a non-profit group supporting the largest world hash resource at worldhhh.com, the first hash social networking sites, hhhweb.com and worldhashspace.com (even before there was a MySpace, Facebook or long before hashspace). We have books and other stuff on there we sell to help pay for it all, as well as the membership which gives you an embroidered patch, decal, certificate, free website/photo album, and much more for only $5 a year. Go to the worldhhh.com marketplace for that and more goodies sold by other hashers around the world.

Now boring words…

Thanks for all the support everyone has given me and the World Hash House Harriers over the last year. We truly could not pull off this major information service without your help.

Have a prosperous and happy new year!

Cheers and On On

Stray Dog and Little Pig

Taumeasina Biathlon

2012-01-24T16:38:00.000+14:00

Or Vai Vai's water torture!

Well all you Hashers, those who have done the biathlon think it’s a great thing, a lot of fun, with exercise thrown in and a few jolly drinks afterwards. Poumuli, Hot Nuts, Pussy Snatcher, Ali, Mark from Coach’s Corner and others have taken part so far and say they will return. We’ve had many helpers including Godfather, who is endeavouring to enter next time, as will Crime. GM, Lewinsky,Tooth Fairy, Desperate Housewife etc. are also threatening to have a go. We’re still looking to increase the numbers, so teams are allowed – one swimmer, one runner or any aids that you may feel necessary to get you around the swim. Remember it’s all about having fun on a Saturday afternoon. It’s also aimed at improving your time around the track each week and improving your swimming. It’s not aimed at elite athletes, just funsters.

So bring your flippers, floaties, body boards or whatever might help you complete the swims to Taumeasina Reserve for 3pm registration and only $2 entry fee. Don’t forget to bring drinks of your choice for afterwards, we only have enough beers for prizes. Captain Mortein has graciously given up his time to be our water marshall so far (thank you Captain), but he can’t do it every week (and we wouldn’t expect him to). Lewinsky also lent us a kayak last week, which we can’t always expect to use. So we still need somebody with a paddle board or kayak or canoe to help us with this job, or to lend and transport to the venue. We can’t hold this event without a paddler so “please” could somebody help out with this job or lend us some kind of floating thing. We also always need timekeepers. Hope to see many of you on Saturday at 3pm. The course is : 400mtr run, 300mtr swim, 1km run, 300mtr swim, 400mtr run. Presentation, drinks (byo)/event post mortem. Sorry, it’s not for anybody under 18 years of age.

On on, Vai Vai & Moa.
Ph: 759 7998

Paris H3's - 800th Run

2012-01-23T10:49:00.000+14:00

Hi Folks,

Just a reminder that it's Paris H3's 800th Run on the 18th of February and to celebrate we're inviting you to join us for a weekend of Hash related fun and frolics. Places are filling up fast with lots of international visitors and so if you'd like to come (I promise you won't regret it!) then please email Half Crazy daisybc2000@yahoo.com to register...

A reminder of what's on offer!:

Friday 17th: Pub Crawl in Paris,

Sat 18th: 800th Run!! Bois de Vincennes

Party (8pm- until you can't dance anymore!), buffet, drinks and dj!

Sun 19th Historical run, taking in some of Paris's main sights

Tickets cost 65€ and this includes a 800th Paris Hash T-shirt, both runs, the saturday night party with buffet and 4 drinks.

for more info please check our site http://parishash.wordpress.com/18feb-800th/

Hope to see some of you here!!

On On!

Princess Pussy

Hash Run 1606 - Taumeasina with POD, Lewinsky, Proboner and family

2012-01-20T10:18:00.002+14:00

Morning All on this wet Friday.

Next weeks run will be hosted by POD, Lewinsky and Family at their home in Taumeasina. There is no theme for the run, but be sure to bring a change of clothes as the weather may play its part by pissing down as usual..Also, if you feel like taking a swim after the run, you are more than welcome to do so.

The hosts have kindly offered to cater for the run so you don't need to bring anything except for your hash cash of $15. There will be a keg on Monday as well as softies and hopefully Godfathers sweet nuts.

Run starts 1730Hrs...

On On

Hash Trash 1605

2012-01-20T08:17:00.002+14:00

The Hash was hosted by Wahoo, Witch Doctor and Poumuli at Le Manumea Resort. It was a glorious day, after all the rain on the weekend, which necessitated that Pussysnatcher reset the run that he and Poumuli had scouted on Saturday, thankfully assisted by Cameron. The trail had been set on flour, so there was not that much left of it after the torrents. It was on out the drive at Manumea, up the hill past the Stevenson Museum, with some eager beavers testing out false trails down to Mt Vaea and past the Chinese Embassy. Please note – if no markers, no bloody trail going that way. We turned in past Ray’s Taxis and went down the hill to the water treatment plant – not really sure how they treat it as it looks murkier than before it gets into the tanks. Again, Captain Mortein dispatched Vai Vai to check for a non-existent falsie, as the trail led up the hill to the first waterfall. This was the first opportunity to get wet, most chose not to. Over the first rise was easy, then there was a sheer balancing act across some slippery logs over the second waterfall. A broad pool ringed with trees and flowering bushes drew us into the third waterfall – here you HAD to get wet. Unfortunately the photographic epic that had been expected was cut short when Slippery, insisting on braving the fall without assistance, er, well, slipped and dropped the camera. But quick intervention he saved the memory chip so we hope we have some evidence. There then followed an actual false trail that no one took, with the real trail moving at mountain goat steepness at first up the muddy and increasingly intractable hill through the trees. This went on and on on. Reaching what appeared to be the summit there was a slight dip that instead of returning us to firmer ground instead led us out onto a knife edge of a traverse, with equally deadly falls threatening on each side. Finally we levelled off in some fields next to what apparently was the former Head of State’s country retreat, replete with giant cactus and strangler figs. The trail followed the access road down to the reservoir by the old German aqueduct and on down to where we started. Technically not crossing the trail, more outlining a balloon, according to Tallyho. Well in the words of your Scribe this was indeed a hard run, but it was epic in the scenery and the continuing challenges it posed to the pack. We helped each other and we made it. Kudos to Pussysnatcher for the grand idea.

Back at the Manumea it took a while for breaths to be caught, but eventually SOTB our GM called the circle to order. He called forth those new to Apia Hash, and they were Luigi from Italy (oh I really couldn’t tell that) invited by Ali, Diwai brought by Pussysnatcher, and Lucy and Phil who had been told by someone called Bolu that this was a great activity to bring their baby to – so Pussysnatcher took the child Endangerment Award. The rethreads were Wahoo, Strangler, Tickled, Ali, Zsa Zsa, Mrs Ninja and Leilani. All made lame excuses too farfetched to record (actually your Scribe was getting a refill, and couldn’t hear).

Celebrity Awards went to Karaoke (nice photo in Observer), Godfather (matai title bestowal), Sassygirl BJ (WTO story and photo), Tickled (Rock da Boat ad), Snatch (Mum in paper) and missing in action Sexpot (Westpac ad mascarading as a news story), Swinger, Cockblocker, 60 and 9’er for the audience with the current Head of State.

This Day in History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1814 Denmark callously ceded Norway to Sweden), Poumuli and Witch Doctor (1938 Norway callously annexed 1/5 of Antarctica through Queen Maud’s Land), Rachael (1919 US introduces prohibition – very unhasmanlike), Chilindrina (1811 6000 Spanish troops defeat 100,000 Mexican rebels), Lewinsky (1998 Drudge Report first breaks the news of the Lewinsky Scandal) and SOTB (1547 Ivan the Terrible becomes tsar – well SOTB is equally Terrible).
Lewinsky was appointed Shoe Inspector, but while he was initially unsuccessful in his quest, someone had spotted Luigi removing brand new shoes, and this was corroborated by Vai Vai. As the shoes had been removed from the scene Luigi got away with a regular down down.

The GM presented a heart warming story of dedication to duty, where by a medically inclined hasher had been called by the clinic, an emergency, and told the nurse to give the patient this and that medicine and he would see them in the morning. He then returned to his golfing! Tooth Fairy got the Take Two and Call Me in the Morning Award.

Then there was further gallantry from the Hashers, with Sam the Fireman helping damsels in distress over logs and other obstacles, so he got the Best Excuse for Gropage Award. Less gallant but equally thought provoking were the rather oddly shaped avocadoes brought by Horny Ho. Basically they were about as phallic as you could possibly get, veined and all. Your Scribe knows what you would like to call this award, but wont as this is a family hash! Suffice it to say that there was much ribald commentary, including a question from Tallyho to Tooth Fairy as to whether he would prescribe such avocadoes for anything. Possibly lockjaw….

A hasher had been seen destroying the trail, stomping on the fragile flour trail, and making it so much harder for the followers. Colm was identified, and Tallyho wanted the person who had brought him to Hash, which for some reason was deemed to be Vai Vai (I thought it was Hornithologist?). Anyway, Wilful Destruction of Hash Trail Award to the both of them.

Then there was the report from the run, where the group just after the FRBs had gotten lazy and while standing on the last mark had claimed an inability to see where the trail went. Just keep moving you dozy bugger – Ali got the award.
Then there was the unfortunate postal system delay that had caused Kiwi to get his thank you card from Poumuli and Wahoo over a year late – Going Postal Award to both of them. Strangler wanted a Littering Award to the Hasher who had left a water bottle on the trail, and the Hare for leaving a plastic flour bag on a branch – these went to Vai Vai and Poumuli respectively.

A further nomination came from Princess of Darkness, that Seismic should get the Know When To Ask Whether Someone is Pregnant Award. Apparently he had assumed that the rounded voluptuousness of one Hash Mere must be equivalent to that of POD.
Ali wanted to nominate PS and Poumuli for the best run ever, but he screwed up the whole nomination so quite comprehensively that a vote was taken, and surprise, it went back to him. Sassy then reminded the circle of certain Hash rules, no private circles and no staying in the pool – Zsa Zsa, Luigi and Ladyfinger.

The GM then made the fatal error of asking if there were any other nominations, and Luigi being new, and Italian, assumed that this musta be addressed to him, so he nominated someone called Tavita. But Seismic hadn’t even been on the run. In the linguistic chaos that ensued it was agreed that both should take a course in Hash Rules and get a Lost in Translation Award.

Greenie then described how he had been sweating up the hill, and seen Godfather come by in the back of a blue truck, and that this should trigger a Chariot Riding Award. Godfather in his defence said that while he had accepted a ride in the truck, it was because the offer had come from Greenie who was already on the truck! Greenie got a double as he was wearing a cap for the first verse. And your Scribe ran part of the way with Godfather, who was helping Diwai and Slippery and Rachel getting up the hill, so he quite deserved a ride out of the valley!

PS then nominated the Hasher who thought taking a baby on the run was a good idea – Phil took this with much humour, but note – you could have got him back for suggesting this crazy idea in the first place! Ask your hosts next time as to how lugubrious/slippery/steep/treacherous/idiotic the trail will be. Or just watch what Captain Mortein does with his offspring!

Sassy, in her new routine, nominated Greenie for being the last to pay Hash Cash, as he hadn’t event done it yet. Tooth Fairy had an amusing story of how he had been awakened by a phonecall from Horny Ho’s husband, complaining of a sore back and needing assistance. What about getting help from Horny Ho? No she is still sleeping. A Not Divulging Any More Secrets Award to Horny Ho.

Sassygirl and Wahoo were then accused of peeing in the pool. Well hello, what do you think fish do in the water? Anyhow, Strangler pointed out that Ladyfinger had been in the water for at least five beers, and was a much more likely and interesting target. Don’t Swim in My Toilet Award.

Snatch then gave a much belaboured tree-hugger description of Lewinsky’s hunting activities in Savaii. The bottom line was that this avowed pacifist and gun control advocate (who, he?) had a gun in his truck and had shot a pig. Lewinsky claimed that this was a community service action and that he thought Snatch would have appreciated the removal of a horny old pig trying to root, around her. This obviously wasn’t going to survive the vote, even with a bunch of braying horny old pigs supporting Lewinsky, so the GM gave him the Pig Terminator Award.

After saluting the Hosts and the Hares, we descended on what was planned to have been a sumptuous feats for all. Next time, wait to pack a take home plate until all have been served. Your Scribe had to give his meagre pickings up to feed Witch Doctor!

A great big thank you to Luna and Norman for letting us use Manumea.
Next weeks Hash will be hosted by POD and Lewinsky at Taumeasina. Watch the blog for details.

Announcements: multiple birthdays being celebrated on Sunday at the Ninja compound in Vaigaga. Please respond to his email if you are able to make it.

And, the Vai Vai Water Torture Method, or biathlon, is continuing this Saturday at Taumeasina. Come along for the 3.30 PM start if you enjoy running, nearly drowning, and generally improving your fitness through what could be described as inhaling battery acid! Just kidding, you can go at your own speed, and it’s a good way of getting balanced and varied exercise. And he brings Vailima for after as a consolation prize! See previous post for details. In the chat he mentions an option to do it as a team.

Finally, why Vailima is better than coke...

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1605

2012-01-13T15:13:00.002+14:00

Happy Friday Hashers
Monday's run will be hosted at Le Manumea Resort. Its easy to find - go up Cross-Island Road and you will see it on the right before you get to the Stevenson Museum. Please try and park on the Eugene Road side.

In order to avoid opprobrium from Tallyho there will be no theme, just make sure you have some sort of Hash gear for the run or for the circle.

Wahoo, Witch Doctor and I will be catering, so no need to bring anything, except Hash Cash - as always $15.

Run starts at 17.30 as usual.

Its the weekend, but it will soon be Monday....since Pussysnatcher will be the hare...

Hash Trash 1604

2012-01-13T13:56:00.003+14:00

The Hash was hosted at Y-Not by Do Me Twice and Cockblocker. A trail had been set by DMT, using flour, so we were relieved the rain stayed off until the run started. We set out to the creek next to Aggies, following familiar paths. There were numerous looong false trails, which we were not sure were deliberate or as a result of the by now famous short attention span of DMT. We went through to the back streets of Leone and some followed a false trail that ended at the graveyard in Faatoia, causing injury by way of barbed wire to your Scribe. Back on the trail we were led a merry chase down to Apia Park and then on home to Y-Not. We need to set some rules for false trails! And we also forgot to congratulate Hot Nuts for his marksmanship with an incredibly accurate stone throw at one of the barking snapping mutts – hit the bugger right on the paw, to much intense yelping and celebratory hooting by Hot Nuts.

SOTB was out sick with some terminal social disease, so Hot Nuts stepped in as GM. He called forth those new to Apia Hash, and they were Junior (brought by CB and DMT), Ben and Neil (brought by Spanky). The GM decreed that all should get a down-down. The rethreads were Hot Nuts, Ninja, Nutcracker, Spanky, 60, 9’er, Karaoke and Ladyfinger. Lame excuses all around.

Celebrity Awards went to Godfather for his photo in the va’a story, 60 and 9’er for being pictured at an art gallery opening – Godfather claimed being on medication and passed his award to Alan. On this day in history, in 871 King Alfred started repelling the Danish invaders (this one went to Pirate Princess who obviously has not been too good at repelling a Danish invasion), in 1835 the US national debt was zero for the only time ever (Spanky and Ben) and in 1999 the US Senate commenced impeachment hearings for Clinton (Lewinsky). It was also the Feast Day of Our Lady of Prompt Succour, which for some reason was awarded to Horny Ho.

Slippery was appointed Shoe Inspector for the day, but he failed epically in finding any, so he took the award. Opening up for nominations, Sassy nominated Alan and Mana for not even being aware of their relatives in Savaii – Implausible Denial Award. Sassy also nominated the last hasher to pay Hash Cash – Greenie – noting that at least this time he didn’t have to borrow money. Last Criminal to Pay Award to Greenie.

Karaoke nominated BB for going to zumba instead of hashing. In her defence BB complained of severe backache, so Swinger had to join her in the Cause And Effect Award. Sassy claimed that Vera had caused the accident for the Samoa A rugby players in Vaoala, so a Welsh Referee Award to Vera. Poumuli nominated CB for not being able to control DMT when it came to the hosting of the Hash.

Lewinsky then nominated Karaoke for being out partying with different men while Eveready was away. The actually plausible defence was that the margaritas at On the Rocks were so terrible that she forgot was not approved by the GM, so a Cats Away Award to Karaoke.

DMT noted that CB is normally such a peace loving person (choke, what?) but that he had finally come to her rescue to beat off a pestering stalker, so a Hero Award was given. Vai Vai, who had also been choking at the last explanation, testified how CB had refused to fill his cup last time Hash was at Y-Not. When CB didn’t want to take a large one, Vai Vai stepped up and got the big cup to CB’s teeny one in the Woos Award.

At this point a newcomer to Hash was identified and dragged into the circle. Rachael has recently started at SPREP and was brought by Poumuli. Chilindrina was also dragged in as a latecummer. Spanky, continuing on the woos theme, nominated Ben for being in Samoa 4 years and not once coming to Hash. But this was deemed an Epic Failure on behalf of Spanky, so both took the award.

The GM chimed in that since this was Spanky’s last run for a while, we should let her say a few words. She thanked the Hash family for being of great support to her, and that she was always happy when at Hash or with Hashers. Before the tears started cascading, the GM gave her another down-down, which did cause just that!
Poumuli nominated Witch Doctor for giving lip to the cop that he was trying to avoid getting a ticket from – a Schuzse Me Ossifer Award. Captain Mortein was spotted leaning. Sassy had heard a rumour about two hashers having to get married. But it was only a rumour, and the fabricant was SOTB so it had to be patently false. In any event CB joined Sassy in the National Enquirer Award.

BB noted that the va’a will be sailing with no beer on board allowed, and gave 60, 9’er, CB and Swinger the All Seriousness Aside Award. Proboner was spotted leaning on Horny Ho! Looked comfy, must try. The unstoppable Sassy informed the GM that Tooth Fairy had been in Savaii and had not replied to repeated calls and texts from Horny Ho, apparently from having no credit. Tooth Fairy got the Bluesky Digicell Incompetence Award.

The GM then launched into a long tirade about a certain Hasher that he had to put up with during a visit to Auckland, and no it wasn’t Steakman. Apparently Swinger had been complaining about accommodations, was constantly coughing and had left his stinky shoes in the shared room. Odor Eaters Needed Award to Swinger. Tallyho got an award for not warming Karaoke, but my notes got messed up on that one.
Poumuli nominated the Hasher who won the most at the horse races, er, himself. Tallyho launched into a long vitriol-filled tirade about the duties of the Front Running Bastards, replete with demonstrations of the appropriate sound level and origin of the On On, and demanded that the FRBs from last week join him in a down down – only CB stepped forth.

Sassy had done some investigations as to why Godfather was on medication, and had discovered that someone had been riding him too hard – step on down Titty Galore. Hot Nuts then nominated Nutcracker for finally getting her PhD, and Greenie was again leaning. A farewell award was given to BB and Spanky before we saluted the hosts and the hare, DMT, CB and Titty G standing in for Dumass.

Vai Vai made an announcement regarding the weekend Biathlon, which has been posted on the blog.

Next week, the run will be hosted by Wahoo, Witch Doctor and Poumuli at the Manumea Hotel.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Special Announcement - Biathlon Saturdays

2012-01-10T12:07:00.002+14:00

Talofa Hashers
As announced at the last hash, Vai Vai and Moa have set up a new adventure for the Hash. Its a regular biathlon every Saturday at Taumeasina Reserve. Its a combined swim and run, run 400m, swim 300m, run 1 km, swim 300m, then run 400m!

If you are interested, the entry charge is $2, it starts at 3 PM this Saturday, so bring your swimmers, goggles, runners, shorts and t-shirts and get ready for a new experience. But enter at your own risk.

Vai Vai has asked for some helpers, who will not have to pay the entry fee. He has asked that we include a request for anybody with a paddle board, kayak or canoe who could help us out as water marshall to please contact him on 759-7998. And also that we would appreciate volunteers for timekeeping, recording and road marshall.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1604

2012-01-06T11:32:00.005+14:00

TGIF all Hashers!

Slight change of plans, as Cockblocker will be leaving early the next day.

So, Monday's run will be hosted by Do Me Twice and Cockblocker at Y-Not. The theme will still be Drunken Sailors, as CB and 9'er are off on the Va'a shortly. It will be a BYO food and BBQ, so please bring something along to share.

Y-Not is located close to the wharf, next to Paddles restaurant.

Bring your Hash Cash as there will of course be a keg!

Also a reminder to those who can, come out to the horse races on Saturday for some great fun.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1603

2012-01-04T14:36:00.001+14:00

The Hash was hosted at ACP, the Foundation of Samoa, by Uncle Fred. It had been a cool day, so the weather seemed good for a run around Vaitele. Unfortunately, it was SOTB who was to be the Hare, assisted by Tooth Fairy, so of course they took the easy way out and set the run with a car! This meant that we had some far between blobs and the run was set away from the direction of traffic. Anyway, it was out onto Vaitele Street, with a lot of confusion and no once found the trail initially. Finally a trail was found, but it meant a long false one for Pussysnatcher. He was all the way up the hill past Yazaki when he found the cross. Back we went through some industrial site and then up the next parallel hill. Same stuff but shorter, followed by another false trail about halfway to the Faleata golf course! Anyway, back down the hill past beloved Vailima and On Home. There were so many newcomers that Godfathers sweet nuts could not possibly provide succour to all in attendance. But we survived. Uncle Fred arrived with his usual fanfare and SOTB called the circle to order.

There were a heap of newcomers to Hash, Tony from NZ, Morgan, Imogen, Lulu and Trish from Mexico, and Equator, Tom, James and one guy who got Godfather’s name mixed up with that of a Joey, so Godfather had to take the down-down. The rethreads were also numerous, so apologies if I missed any – PS, Jaycey, Kat, Ted, Nelson and Fred. Excuses were too lame and carbon-footprinty.

Celebrity Awards went to Snatch (her Mom in paper again), Mrs Slippery, Godfather, Poumuli, Cockblocker, Do Me Twice and Fang, but I cant remember who did the closest living relatives for Frances and Fang.

This Day in History, we had 1950- the Stone of Scone abducted to Scotland (went to Witch Doctor), 1862 - largest mass hanging in US history (PS and visiting Americans) and the Feast Day of St James the Just (Swinger). Then there was the nice photo from the Observer of Godfather and Titty Galore that Snatch had had framed.
New shoes were found by Shoe Inspector Tallyho, so James and Morgan bravely drank from theirs. The shoes did not look like this:

The GM then started his awards by describing how a Hasher had gotten pissed off his nut on the weekend. This one went to Poumuli.

Opening up for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick off the mark with nominating Greenie for the Crime Award – coming to Hash with no Hash Cash. James nominated Tallyho for being a Wikipedia of Hash Lore, which he gratefully accepted in the spirit of passing on his vast knowledge to new Hashers. CB suggested that they should both take one, which was agreed. The GM then remembered he had asked the latecummer Sam to bring the BBQ, which it was not even though he has a truck replete with siren and flashing lights – Incompetence Award to Sam.

Poumuli nominated some of the young new runners who had brought a rugby ball along on the run – innocent bystanders may get the wrongful impression that we are some sort of sporting club! All the boys drank.

Kat nominated Poumuli for inviting people to a Christmas dinner then getting pissed and falling asleep before the food came. This was doubled as not all of Hash had been invited! Tallyho then ranted in about the weasel weak voices of the Front Running Bastards CB and Captain Mortein, and although close to an FBI award for himself, it was a most amusing rendition of the angry mad person living under a bridge. In the end all three took the Need Voice Lubrication Award.

Sassy nominated James for his academic achievement with a new doctorate, and while this should have backfired (Hashers should be notoriously lax in their academic adventures, at least if we look to the current crop as examples), James took it well.
Nelson nominated the entire group that he had come with for thinking they would not have any fun, and while the subsequent Haka wouldn’t have frightened a finch, they knew how to skull. Sassy also nominated Jaycey for getting the first part of her malu done. Snatch nominated Uncle Fred for butchering the Hash Song (he was actually being quite funny), and he was joined by Godfather. Uncle Fred then extended his usual standing invitation to the Hash to use the Foundation of Samoa, ACP, for future runs.

Sam nominated SOTB for mucking up arrangements for last week’s hash, so a First Time in History Award. Witch Doctor nominated Poumuli for abandoning her and Wahoo at another Christmas Party, but this time there were enough brain cells to counter with a “that was Hashmanlike behaviour”, which did the trick. Sam was caught with cellphonus interruptus, which was doubled as Sam had not gone home to his wife, instead partying with Jaycey. This one also included CB. Sam got the GM back for using his VERTS creds at night.

Tallyho then led the Hash in a most graphic rendition and performance of the Hash Anthem, before we saluted the hosts and the hares.
We have no venue set for next week as yet so watch the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1603 - 2nd Jan 2012 - ACP Compound - Vaitele

2011-12-31T18:35:00.003+14:00

Afternoon All,

Apologies for not having a run last week. Hope you have all recovered from the change of days/dates and you didn't miss out on too much when we skipped Friday.

This weeks run will be a BYO Run at ACP (Apia Concrete Products) in Vaitele. Run will start at 1730Hrs and we have managed to get a Keg for Monday. We will be at the back next to the big Shed so please park around the back.

Dont forget your $15 hash cash and see you all then.

On On

Samoa loses a day and switches sides of the Dateline

2011-12-29T13:27:00.004-10:00

After switching sides of the road to drive on in 2008, Samoa is making waves again in the global media as we countdown to losing a day come midnite tonite, 29th December. It has been approved that Samoa will switch from the eastern side of the dateline to the western side thereby effectively making Samoa the first country to see the sunrise each day. We kinda liked being the last country to see each day, and don't see the need to rush into another one!!! O yeah, we are taking our brothers and sisters on Tokelau Is., with us on this journey given that their main administrative headquarter is located in the city of Apia.

Trade-wise, it makes a lot of sense given our biggest trading partners are Australia and New Zealand, well if and when they sporadically allow exports citing phytosanitary restrictions etc., Let's not forget Asia as well and more specifically big brother China. China exports are flooding the local markets with their cheap goods. Samoa's accession to WTO means more imports which will greatly increase the trade deficit whilst we continue to be studied, surveyed and reviewed to kingdom come, as to how to increase agriculture production for the export market. The manufacturing sector will continue to have its woes where others get on with building their businesses and others continue to talk grandiose ideas of what can be done and how to do it, if only someone will give us the money to make it happen!!!!

Another plus to the change is the removal of confusion in the tourism industry!!! As one who has been in this industry, i can't recall the number of times, people messed up their bookings because they didn't realise they were arriving yesterday after they left Aussie or NZ today!!! How the heck does that happen??

Our country is so generous that all the employees will also be paid for a day that doesnt exist and they did not work!!! Whilst all employees don't have any qualm with this arrangement, the poor private sector is again hit with another non productive cost that they did not budget for.

There has been a lot of expressions of disappointment and others have reached new heights of "pissedoffedness" that they will miss out their birthdays and anniversaries.

It is but a day, but it still means something to everyone! So happy Birthday/anniversary to those that will miss theirs for 2011 and let us hope that 2012 will be a bit kinder to our country and our people!!

And a thought to end the year, let's shift side of the equator!! Some may ask, why the hell would we want to do that for?? Well it really is simple..."because we can do it!!!"

Hash Trash 1602

2011-12-21T15:00:00.002-10:00

The Hash was hosted at Swinger’s house in Siusega by Swinger and BB. The run we were forewarned was a long one, and so it came to pass. Two long false trails were needed before we began to ascertain the deviousness of the Hare in using flour to set the trail. We ran up the hill towards the Orator, then through some back roads and familiar bush until we finally emerged on Aleisa road. At this point we came down to the sports facilities, and the unshaded road was blisteringly brutally hot. Were you born on the sun, was a question oft asked of Swinger, who to his credit was tagging along. So through the facilities we went, past the golf clubhouse, and that is where the Short Cutting Basterds started peeling off. For your Scribe the camel got broken by the final straw of seeing Tallyho in the distance move to the botanical gardens. Dehydrated and steaming, and with the assent of SOTB, we simply turned in an up by the horse race track.

Well done Swinger, torturer in chief, you can get a job in Syria! Good preparations for the pending Christmas feasts.

SOTB was too tired and emotional to be GM, so by popular demand we asked our irrepressible yet highly combustible Pom Tallyho to step in. This can be a mistake sometimes! He berated the stolid crowd for their perseverance in doing the run, meaning those basterds who did the whole thing! There were none new to Hash, but the Rethreads were BB, Mana, Swinger’s dog and Cockblocker. Mana forgot her hat, so had to re-do.

Celebrity Awards went to FBI (in the paper), Vai Vai (mentioned in letter to Editor), and Pat (modelling). These were taken by closest living relatives, Sam, Sexpot and CB, the latter for his penchant for dressing up. Mana joined in for having been on TV as a former Miss Samoa.

This Day in History went to Offspring (armed wing of ANC founded in 1961), Horny Ho (its Feast Day of Our Lady of Expectation), SOTB (in recognition as the only non-human in Hash for Human Solidarity Day), Seismic (1642 Tasman lands in NZ) and Lewinsky (2007 - to get a Lewinsky is given an entry in the US Concise Dictionary of Slang).

A wedding anniversary had been held this week, and Sassy was saluted, although when she said she wanted a small one, the GM retorted tartly that he hoped that hadn’t been the situation on her wedding night!
Turning to his practice of asking for a run report, he asked (actually lectured) the two front running basterds where the run actually went. This caused great consternation from CB and Sexpot who had been berated about it for quite a while. After much ado, with DMT trying to implicate Swinger, the two FRBs took their award at the insistence of the GM. However, they deliberately spilled their beer on him, and for this sacrilegious act of GM abuse they were made to re-do. All behind the GM moved aside until they were done!

Tallyho recounted how Christmas was such a festive season but during the 1600 run we had tried to cheer up the most miserable bastards, etc. sitting outside that place of ill repute On the Rocks. Lewinsky tried to defend himself by bringing in SOTB on the issue of the miserable git status of his old man, but this got nowhere.
Opening up for nominations, DMT wanted to give SOTB the Fun Nazi Award for shushing them away during the Friday Bluesky Fireworks. Turned out that SOTB was only the Skipper, and it was the Fire Chief himself who had been yelling. Since that is Sam’s boss, he got the Adhering To Fire Safety Award, but was joined by SOTB.

Witch Doctor was chided for letting the small child Pirate play with her cigarette pack, and she shared the Child Endangerment Award with Seismic. A Terrible Parenting Award went to Captain Mortein, thanks to SOTB, for making same child slave away with the food and nearly getting run over in the driveway (by Sassy by the way!). Sassy saw that one coming and quickly nominated the Scribe for being too drunk and leaving his notes behind at the 1600th (she stole them!).

Sexpot recalled that we had had this wedding anniversary noted already, but wanted a Good Son Award to SOTB for his extreme filial affection in arranging that fireworks to coincide with the celebration of his parents nuptial bliss. Sassy nominated the two hashers who had refused to be named, Hideo and Yoko.

Offspring in her own timid way, asked the whole Hash to do a down-down for Springbok. Recognizing that the keg was sagging the GM and Godfather took that one, while we all cheered to Springbok and for her hasty return to hashing with us.
The GM, suitably revived and lubricated now, suddenly remembered that our theme had been red and green for Christmas, and called for the two matching couples Captain and Pirate, Swinger and BB. DMT had been running with Offspring, and she had asked what the On On shouts were all about. She thus also wanted to nominate Godfather for not explaining the rules properly. Poumuli helpfully disagreed, that Godfather should not be held culpable, as Offspring has the attention span of a small rodent. For some inexplicable reason this caused an outcry, resulting in a down down for all three.

Sexpot had been having some trouble getting advertising space in the paper, since Bluesky had dominated all the pages recently. While this was deemed too close to commercial business, which is outside of Hash, the GM relented when Horny Ho told the heart rendering story of her visitors being blocked by a Bluesky car. As the sole representative of that telephonic outfit, SOTB reluctantly stepped forth.
Poumuli nominated BB for only going to the Suva Hash twice in all the time she has been there. In her defence she called the Suva Hash a bunch of old farts, which was an ill-advised tone to take with Tallyho, stalwart that he is of the Suva Hash! Compounding it was the fact that when several Apia Hashers went to Suva, we could only meet up with BB in a bar!

Swinger informed the Hash of the sad news of a fellow hasher being seriously injured on Friday. Ben is in the hospital with a badly broken leg, but is recovering. But the one Hasher who heard first and went to check up on him didn’t tell anyone. Incommunicado Award for Captain Mortein.

CB had been listening to former President Clinton at a Summit in Abu Dhabi – nice speech, but he demurred on a question because “he didn’t have his aide with him”. Missing in Action Award to Lewinsky.

The GM picked up on the jet setting earth saving work of CB, and asked Poumuli to join him in a Carbon Footprint Award. Sexpot then spotted Swinger’s cleaning our rivers t-shirt, which all agreed was misadvertisement. This was followed by a Dumbass Award to Sam for parking outside the Hash Gate and calling to ask for directions. Witch Doctor tried to get a rebuttal in regarding the ciggie butts, since Swinger had refused to put out any ashtrays, and SOTB spotted the GM leaning. The GM therefore hastily closed off proceedings and we saluted the hosts and the hare.

We have no idea where we will run next week, although a suggestion was made that we could have it before the Horse Races. Stay tuned to the Blog

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1600

2011-12-21T14:56:00.002-10:00

The Hash was hosted out at the Snake Pit, and we had a jolly good turnout. Tallyho was dressed up as Santa (Bad/Skinny/Mean – take your pick!) and proceeded to climb up on the Fire Truck with assorted kids and parents too lazy to run. We set off first to Amanaki, where we sang for what appeared to be the entire Japanese contingent in Samoa. On we went to Cappuccino Vineyard where the pack serenaded all and sundry in the streets, and we were joined by Pirate Princess skipping off from work. On on we went to On The Rocks, where the guests were not too happy for the interruption. We stopped off at Aggie Greys, where Godfather led the Hash in a moment of silence and a prayer for good health and continued blessings for the Grey family in this time of distress for them. It was then down to Paddles and the Marina, followed by a stop at Y-Not. Since most of the Hashers had not heeded the call to take it easy on the down-downs, the run back was a sorry affair, with many struggling to keep up with the rabbit feet of Vai Vai, Crime and Mike who were leading going back in a very athletic display.

SOTB our GM had made it back from Pago just in time, and while somewhat frazzled called the hash circle to order. This was not going to be easy with sheer numbers that we had present, including screaming kids high off all the lollies that Tallyho had scattered about. First off SOTB thanked all the sponsors – Aqua Samoa, Westpac, Pure Blonde, Sinalei, Vailima, Y-Not for their generous support, especially for the cool new Hash shirts. He also thanked the Fire Department for bringing the truck.
The GM then called forth those new to Hash – there was Pati, Sam, a friend of Steve’s, a friend of Tiger Woody – too many, will need to look at the Hash Cash sheet to clear this up! The same thing with the Rethreads – I counted in Do Me Twice, Ali, Soprano, Seismic, Tooth Fairy, Swinger, but lost track after Auntie Bev. Could not hear what the excuses were – choice between light to write by, or screaming kids!

New Shoes were found on Karaoke, who under protest drank them clean with much aplomb.
This Day in History we had Michael being crowned Eastern Roman Emperor in 1041, and in 2006 Monica got her MA in psychology. There was also the 1941 declaration of war by Hungary on the US – that worked out real well for them! Closest living relative to Zsa Zsa was deemed to be Captain Mortein, surprise. But Lewinsky had his own retaliatory list of historic dates, and dobbed in Pirate Princess (for the Captain), Tallyho, Tiger Woody, Ninja, Poumuli, and I can’t recall who got the Oldsmobile going off the market to be non-discriminatory against old people – check the photos from Slippery!

Celebrity Awards went to Vai Vai (letter to the Editor) and Ring Ring (on TV). Some firemen who arrived late were given a taste of hash. The GM then sought to honour one of the Hash Teams that had participated in the Perimeter Relay, and those present were joined by closest living relatives to receive Das Boot! Cocktails on the Rocks team – Mike, Captain Mortein, Josh, Alan, Swinger, DMT and Horny Ho. It was a struggle to complete the task but they did it.

Turning to the GM’s Awards, he had noticed that there was a star missing from the Southern Cross in the new Hash Logo, so the Prime Minister Award went to Slim Shady. A Showing Off Award went to Vai Vai and Crime for running so fast at the end. The GM had also been watching TV in Pago, and had seen a dance crew from On The Rocks that were frankly poofters, and thus awarded Lewinsky the Gay Sponsor of the Year Award. Poumuli felt strongly that the GM should join in for watching a gay TV channel while overseas, but this was sadly reversed, and he was joined by loud chattering nabobs Rottweiler, Kiwi and Soprano.

On the run back the GM had noticed that Santa had joined in the running, and Tallyho defended this by saying he was bothered by all the chariot riding and the lack of suitably aged Hash Meres to sit on his lap. In another GM award, a Hasher had left the keg tap open – dumbass award to Mike. The GM then called on the Band of Angels team to try their luck at Das Boot, which they did in 45 seconds, much speedier than that other lot. Crime apparently had been doing his bit for internationalism – that is partying with the Christchurch Hash Meres, so they all got a special Hash gift thanks to Ring Ring, who joined them in the down-down. But before that the Christchurchers in turn had a gift for Crime, even though two of them had dropped out, and for some reason the girls got the glass prick.

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Tallyho for the Bad Santa Award for encouraging dysentery by dropping the lollies in puddles. Tallyho defended this practice vigorously, that he was only trying to toughen up their immune systems. After a vote, Tallyho succumbed.

Slim Shady nominated the GM for dedication to duty for coming back on time for the Hash, and for some reason Witch Doctor joined in. Princess of Darkness nominated Snake for hosting this 25th Anniversary of Hash in Samoa, and got the GM to join in for not mentioning this earlier. POD had also been updating the run lists, and had found that Captain Mortein had come to the most runs in 2011.

Tallyho nominated Seismic for not chiming in on the carol singing. Then for the Annual Awards, we had Celebrity of the Week of the Year Award was then given to Godfather, Sassy and Poumuli (need to check up on that one next year!). Front Running Hash Meres of the Year went to Ring Ring, Moa, Beck and Nicole. Front Running Hasher of the Year went to Cockblocker (through DMT), Captain Mortein, Vai Vai, with the add-ons of Lewinsky and SOTB for their Perimeter Relay performance. Most Down-Downs for the Year Award went to Captain Mortein, while Hashers with most Unexcused Absence Award went to Poumuli, Slippery and Titty Galore. The Best Run of the Year Award went to Snake. Hussy of the Year Award went to Horny Ho, and Prick of the Year went to CB, and this was taken by Sam.

At that point the Apia Hash Mad Monk appeared, and called forward Beck, who henceforth shall be known as Desperate Housewife. Mike was also made to kneel, and he shall henceforth be known as Sexpot.

Unfortunately Hideo and Yoko declined the honour of being named, probably something lost in translation.

Mismanagement was called forth and saluted, followed by the Hosts.
All in all this was a great celebration for Apia Hash – 25 years and 1600 runs. While having that amount of additional people and that many kegs was a recipe for disaster, we managed to pull it off and get through. Hopefully we haven’t offended too many people, but hey that’s Hash.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1599B

2011-12-21T14:52:00.002-10:00

The Hash was hosted out at Tafatafa Beach. Your Scribe had arrived at 6 AM that morning so was a bit worse for wear. Consequently the notes do not make any sense. The run apparently was quite a tough one according to Godfather and Tallyho, so big thanks to Crime. Your Scribe was asleep in the fale for all of that.
Tallyho stepped in as GM for the afternoon, and called forth those new to Hash – none. Then there were the rethreads, namely Poumuli. New shoes were found on Moa and one of the Christchurch visitors.

No celebrity awards were recorded, but on this day in history we had International Mountain Day, which went to Captain Mortein (Denmark is devoid of mountains), and in 1995 Monica was transferred out of the White House.

There then followed an incomprehensible gibberish in my notes, but Sassy nominated Vai Vai for something, as well as the Christchurch girls. Poumuli and Lewinsky were dobbed in twice, which kind of explains the unreadable pages. Tallyho was also rather upset with the lack of an appropriate run report, and the final entry says that Crime #$%$.

Sorry, should have asked for a replacement Scribe, but that is what you get for coming straight to Hash from the airport!
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1602

2011-12-16T12:16:00.003-10:00

Talofa All...
Yes, the next run will technically be the 1602nd run!

The run is being hosted by Swinger and BB in Siusega at Swinger's pad. The hosts have requested that this be a BYO BBQ, so please bring something to share. The theme for the run will be to wear something green or red.

There will be a keg on Monday too as well as softies and Godfathers "sweet nuts"...

Run starts 1730HRS and please bring your hash cash ($15 SAT)

See the map for directions
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1599

2011-12-13T09:06:00.001-10:00

Dear all
a belated post from Spanky for the the run 1599.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hosted by Mike and Becks at Yacht Club
Live hare – Godfather
GM was Tallyho, which is always an adventure!
New to Apia Hash was the Christchurch Hashers: Worker Shirker, Labrat, MILF and Flapper, Spanky’s friend Alice visiting for 2 weeks and Greeny’s friend Ella visiting for 1 night!
Retreads FBI and River were welcomed back.
Shoe Inspector found 2 new boots! Happy Feet and Ella – Lewinsky took Happy Feet’s out of his own shoes and Ella was a trooper and dranks hers out of her new shoes!
Celebrities included Mike for publishing helpful information on saving money – so you can buy more beer! And of course Sassy, who is in contention for most times mentioned in Samoan Observer. Ever.
GM Tallyho proceeded with This Day in History by assuming something must have happened in Denmark and with Monica. Also, it’s actually International Volunteer Day so Spanky represented the amazingly hard working volunteers in Samoa and Captain Mortein and Lewinsky represented Denmark and Monica, respectively.
No GM awards opened the floor right up to Sassy Girl, who welcomed the well dressed, matching CHCH Christchurch Hasher ladies! They all wore pink shirts that said they like to “shake it all night long” and matching skirts. Looking forward to 1600 because we’ve been told they have a new outfit for 1600 as well! They came all the way from Garden City to be here for the week of the 1600 and enjoy a short Samoa vacation as well. When they went for the downdown, they started singing B-I-M-B-O and the circle joined enthusiastically to welcome Labrat, WorkerShirker, MILF and Flapper!
Fast hands award to GM for spilling some beersky. Sassy nominated Mike for dropping a sausage on the ground but then putting it back on the grill. Right of Reply – 3 second rule. GM agrees and Sassy drinks. Remind me not to eat at GM nor Mike’s house any time soon!
FBI nominated Dev who has been around for a few years and came to Hash on his last night to say goodbye! He took his downdown right before heading to the airport. You will be missed, Devster!!
Mike noticed history repeating itself when more articles have been published about huge fish being caught – but none of our hash fisherpeople caught them! Shame. Hooker Lua and Lewinsky take the blame.
GM is in LOVE with the necklace mugs that Ringring made. He says they are great! Everyone should have one! They are great! Everyone should have 2! They are great! Tallyho and Ringring get a downdown to demonstrate and Ringring pours hers into Tallyho’s necklace mug putting it to good use!
They are nice cocout drinking vessels, by the way. 1600 comemorative coconut drinking vessels – it’s what all the cool kids are drinking from these days!
Tiger Woody arrived! Downdown. Snake adds that it should be a double because he thought the 1600 run was today. Silly Tiger.
Hooker Lua has it on good authority that Godfather forgot his girlfriend’s birthday, took her to someone else’s birthday party, gave her takeaway and said it was her present. Poor form! Godfather had no response.
Downdowns for the enthusiastic first time hosts Becks and Mike!
Malo lava and see you at the 1600 next week!

Hash Run 1599A - Tafatafa Beach - Sunday 11th Dec 2011

2011-12-08T20:38:00.002-10:00

Good Evening All,

Sunday's hash run will be at Tafatafa Beach on the South Coast. The Run will start at 11am followed by a traditional Umu for lunch around 12:30pm. We have 4 Fales booked for Monday so don't worry about booking yourself a fale unless you plan to go early and spend the weekend there.

We will collect hash cash of $10 per person on the day and we will have some drinks down there at the beach on the day (Beers, Coconuts, Softies) but feel free to bring some more of your own if you plan on getting completely plastered.

It is advisable to car pool and then head down so as to limit the number of "drunk" hashers driving back to town after the run. For those who are driving down, there will be a $10-$15 charge for your vehicles.

If you have any more questions about the day, please call Lewinsky on 7528604, POD on 7528605 or Sassy on 7574250

On On

Hash Run 1599 - Mike and Becks- Apia Yacht Club, Mulinu'u

2011-12-05T10:34:00.004-10:00

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be hosted by Mike and Becks from the Apia Yacht Club. There is no theme for today, but bring a change of clothes if you are keen for a swim after the run...I am sure you will want to jump into the ocean after tonight's run.

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food for tonight and we will also have our Keg, Softies and sweet nuts.

Run starts at 1730Hrs...
See you all there

On On

Hash Trash 1598

2011-11-29T20:49:00.002-10:00

Sabuwona from Durban, where your Scribe is hanging out. Hash Trash from Spanky below, which still needs more spell-checking.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hosts: Top Shelf, Thong Hunter, Bungabunga with special thanks to the Y Not crew for providing the great venue
Theme: 16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women – The UN Women are in the middle of a 16 days of events to increase awareness and end violence against women. All the Hash runners were provided with t-shirts from UN.

What a great hash – there were two runs! The hosts set a run on paper but GM forgot and asked Dumass to set one on flour too! Flour was longer so the walkers took the paper and it was enjoyed by all.
The new runners this week were Bronwyn, Lucas, Pauline and Tim and Claire, who accidentally came because paddling was cancelled. Welcome!
Retreads were Bungabunga (too busy having bungabunga parties and getting kicked out of power), CB and DMT (they were both “working”), Bubsy (“studying” in NZ), and Lily and Rachel (been on Savaii).

New Boots: Eveready had new shoes! As he went to drink, Zsa Zsa said what were all thinking – “those are huge!”
Celebrity Awards: Marta was on TV, Niner is on the back page of the new Samoa Tourist Guidebook, Sassy was in the Observer – Again! – maybe will be renamed Sassy Observer. And finally for the best article ever – Double H was featured in an article called “Simply Creamy Goodness.”

GM Awards: TLC award to snake who took time off work to make the BBQ look like new. Piggy Back award to Mike who came back on the run to carry his wife across the water, “she’s always on my back!” Best P Party costume awards were for Porn Star CB and Pirate Chili. Dumass and Bubsy who took their dog on the run. Birthday downdown for Crash who is 31! Final GM award is for a bank man who travels a lot and came back to a bank function where his wife got crabs! (She was sitting at the party and a crab walked up between her legs!)

Nominations:
Lily the librarian found a nice kids book called pirate princess! It’s pages were stuck together but… our own Pirate Princess took her downdown.
Sassy Girl – who was dearly missed last week when there were so few nominations – was back in full force! First award was miscommunication award for the hosts – Lily and Rachel were the hosts and hares, but Dumass also set a run! Rachel dobbed in Spanky as the hareraiser. Spanky reminded GM that she told him the run was taken care of but GM was not in a good mood. Double for Spanky!

Tally Ho nominated the frontrunning bastards for not stopping at the Xs, but then it turns out Tally Ho was one of them! Backfired.
Sassy nominated Godfather for bringing friends but not preparing them – they had to run in sandals! Dumass added that CB also came without shoes! CB said it’s not his fault because his girl was supposed to pack them and forgot. I have yet to hear of anything ever that IS CB’s fault, but apparently DMY agreed to take the blame yet again on this one.

Random guy in black shirt was also dobbed in because we don’t know who he is but he didn’t come up for newbies and didn’t come for retreads. Who are you?
Tally Ho was upset that Vaivai made his nomination backfire, so he came up with another nomination. Something about frontrunning or something but hard to tell with the way Tally Ho talks.

Mr Whippy is on his way out again for an extended break away from Samoa after coming for only two weeks. He hosted a great Thanksgiving Hash last week and took his time with his downdown to give a farewell speech. He commented on how special Apia Hash is and that there is nowhere else like it in the world that he has seen. He remembered his first times at Apia Hash, when some of the older members took their time to welcome him and introduce him to the way it works, if anyone is interested you can read more about how Apia Hash works on the blog. Not one to let something nice be the last note, SOTB made Mr Whippy’s award a double for FBI.

Then the Monk Came! She heard about two girls who had been causing lots of trouble on Savaii for the last two years. She called up Lily and Rachel to assume the position. For Lily the librarian, who is very short but like to reach up high and read Samoan boys, will forever now be known as TOP SHELF. For Rachel, the Monk hears she goes running around her village wearing shortshorts and sometimes a thong – she says she runs for exercise but we hear she’s just running to check out prospective prey. She will forever now be known as THONG HUNTER. Downdown for the monk for making the trip!

Discrimination Award for the owner of a bar that offers happy hour specials on all drinks except Margaritas! How rude!
Maybe from Mr Whippy’s comments about introducing new members to Hash, Tally Ho recommends we do the hash anthem and a rousing version of it followed!

The Cake came out for Crash’s birthday – a delicious chocolate rum cake with a hula dancer. It was rectangular and CB was disappointed it wasn’t in the shape of goodies. Karaoke says Crash is a goodygoody so he doesn’t need a goody cake.
This week American Samoa not only scored their first soccer goal ever in a FIFA match, but they even won their first match ever against Toga! They were ranked dead last in the FIFA rankings but the coach hopes they will move up to be ranked in the top hundred. Wacko from AmSam took the downdown to represent. Wacko later shared with me that AmSam lost their game against the Cook Islands because one of their players scored a goal for the opposing team… good thing we didn’t know this at the time or it would have been a double!

Party foul - Niner scraped her knee on Friday night and continued to mope in the corner all night and refused to enjoy girls night! Boo. Titty G almost accidentally nominated herself for a blonde award but it ended up with Bubsy for taking the car keys but not the car.

Lastly, GM got nominated by Sassy Girl for withholding Greeny’s t-shirt money. Then GM got nominated by Sula via Sassy Girl for promising to sponsor her dance group but then not following through!
Big thank you to hosts and hares – all of them!

Announcements –
1600 Run Schedule:
Saturday Dec 10 – Nafanua Regatta. Hash will enter some teams in the social paddling race
Sunday Dec 11 – Beach run at Tafatafa
Monday Dec 12 – Christmas 1600 Run at SnakePit

On On
Spanky

Hash Run 1598 - Y-Not Bar - Violence against women Run

2011-11-28T10:01:00.002-10:00

Morning All,

Today's run will be at Y-not Bar in Matautu. The hosts (Bunga x2 and Spanky) are providing some meats for the BBQ, but if you could all bring something else along; salad, some other meat, etc for the bbq, that would be much appreciated.

All hasher's running today will get free t-shirts also, so please be on time if you want a shirt. Run will start at 1730HRS and there will be a keg there as well as softies and sweet nuts.

Please remember to bring your hash cash ($15) and your t-shirt money as today is the last day to collect the money for shirts. No map today, you should all know where this is.

Directions: Head down beach road to the Marina/Wharf, and look out for Y-not Bar and Paddles Restaurant. You cant miss it!

On On

Hash Run 1597- Thanksgiving Run @ Mr Whippy's - Lotopa

2011-11-21T10:38:00.004-10:00

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be a BYO/Pot Luck run at Mr Whippy's in Lotopa to celebrate Thanksgiving. Please bring a dish or something to throw on the BBQ. This applies to "all" hasher's coming tonight. Lets all contribute to make this a fun evening. No food, no eat :)

There is no theme for tonight. There will be a Keg there as usual and softies.

Map is below for those who don't know where Mr Whippy lives. If you have not yet paid for your hash shirts, please bring your money with you tonight as we want to get them to the printer's this week (shirt is $25) and don't forget your hash cash ($15)

The Map is posted below but note that we will be in the first house, not the 2nd as stated on the map.

On On

Hash Trash 1596

2011-11-15T15:27:00.002-10:00

Welcome to this episode of Living Planet where we will be visiting a long lost tribe of misfortunate runners wearing illusions of grandeur. The Apia Hash has been running for 30 years in a strange ritual of following bits of paper strewn by a carefully selected member of the tribe, known as the lepus samoaensis, or hare. The paper, made from carefully selected and processed cellulose, is shredded to a certain quality before being strewn. Oh, I am being told that there has been a processing fault in the tribe’s workshop so that for this run they will be using the bare woodchips. It’s a rare honour for us to witness this more primitive form of the ritual. And they are off, lets try and keep up with them, watch out for that branch, ouch. Oh dear, it seems like we have found a so-called false trail, and we are being showed aside by the massed tribe. A particularly massive individual greeted me just then with the famous one finger salute of the tribe. Now we are running through what appears to be someone’s garden, and you will notice the tribe daintily sidestepping the plants, except that one there that slipped. It’s a fascinating display, combined mystery with their guttural chant of “on gong” by the sounds of it. The trail appears to be culminating in a climax now and the speed appears to be picking up, evidently the scent of their reward – the golden nectar of Vailima – is so powerful that these lowly creatures have honed their senses to the maximum. And there we are – the tribe slowly reunites around the prized keg and await being called into a circle for the devotions.

Ah well. The GM, SOTB called the circle to order and asked if there were anyone new to Hash. There was Scott here on holiday who had just met a random guy in the pub and been brought to Hash by Rohan. Then there was Lewinsky’s cousin Alex from NZ, so the GM ordered a round for them both. The rethreads were Dizzy, Curly, Ramo, Buzzed, Hooker Lua and Olsen. Pitiful excuses so they all had to drink.

Celebrity Awards went to 9’er (famous father in the paper – taken by Kat), FBI (Rock the Boat ad – taken by Crash Bandicoot), Swinger (longwinded letter to the editor – taken by Snake) and Mike (full page ad with photo-shopped picture). For this day in history we celebrated the feast day of St Malo (token Samoan Eveready), the feast day of St Margaret (by spouse Snake), 1938 LSD was first produced in Switzerland (Ben), 2000 Bill Clinton is first US president to visit Vietnam after war but without Lewinsky (Lewinsky), and in honour of World Kindness Day the GM took the award for being the least kind in the hash.

Turning to his long list of dubious awards, the GM had been informed by the bouncers at Ynot that two ladies, one a hasher, had been departing the club late one evening, still dressed to the nines, and had been accosted by calls for “hey baby wanna have a good time” from from young men across the street. While the hash mere was seriously considering the offers on hand, however, her friend shooed them away with a tirade of Samoan swearing. A Cradlesnatching Blocked Award to Hooker Lua.
At the start of the run one new hash mere had shown up without shoes and had borrowed some from the host. These were clearly brand spanking new, so Alex and Ring Ring had to drink from them, with Ring Ring doing a double for forgetting her hat was on. Then there was the utterly spurious allegation that Poumuli had been strip searched by the customs officials for bringing in the 217 t-shirts. This is untrue, as they were told that your Scribe is a heavy sweater and these were all for personal use.

We had all read in the papers that two new police stations were being established around the country, and what for? Surely to stop Crime and Crash! Get In Gaol Awards for the two of them. Then there was the article about the really huge marlin, but which had none of the accomplished hash fishers involved. Hooker Lua and Lewinsky got the Bad Luck Award.

Godfather was sadly absent this week, and his scrumptious sweet nuts were sorely missed, but none so more than the absence of the ukulele. At least that partially drowns out the caterwauling of Strangler, but this week he was standing next to the equally sonically impaired Dizzy. The combined effect of their efforts drove Mini-Ninja to dash for the street and scared the wits out of the already muted hound chained at the back. Roll Over Beethoven Awards to the lot.

Opening up for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick off the mark and nominated Crash for impinging on her maestro duties by starting the song too early. Poumuli nominated Mike for not being able to read biblical jargon, but then again he is Australian so this one should have been commuted. And a latecummer award to Hot Rod.
Screamer nominated Poumuli for leaving the Hash for several weeks, but she got added in for being jealous at being left out of the delegation. Several hand gestures were exchanged. Poumuli then nominated Eveready for being surprised that the Scribe knew bible jargon, but this ended up on the GM instead.

Sassy had observed one hasher arriving with some guests and then being late had run off while leaving them to wander in the bush. Unhashmanlike Behaviour Award to Zsa Zsa, who also saw the re-introduction of the ice seat for being the last to pay hash cash and for taking his money out of what appeared to be his bum crack. His friends were introduced, Ivana from Czech Republic and Antonio from Spain, who helpfully reinserted some of the ice that had fallen from Zsa Zsa’s seat.

The GM had found his wits again, apparently they had been lying in the melting pool of Zsa Zsa’s crack, and nominated Lewinsky for non-compliance with the new liquor laws. Kat nominated Sassy as no one else had – fair enough. Rohan got caught leaning and this was doubled as Sassy put her hat on his head.

Then the GM really outshone himself in terms of his STASI-like network of spies. Apparently the offspring of one hasher had groped a certain hash mere, without the husband reacting. Come on, it was a three-year old child. Anyway, Poumuli got the Ignorant Spouse Award while Ben scored another Father of the Year Award.
Spanky had been fascinated by Ida’s toe socks and slippers, and called for an award. However, this was deemed to be culturally insensitive, so she had to join in, and her protests garnered her the Dome of Silence.

Ninja, in proud possession of the Angry Chicken Hat, was finally able to bestow this upon Zsa Zsa, at the request of a fellow Hungarian. Zsa Zsa then accused the GM for playing with a dildo app on his phone during a hash mini circle in Suva, but the vote saw both of them take it. Nicole got a leaner award, while Poumuli snuck in a last award for Ted for rigging up a sail boat and it setting off – without him!

The Hare and Hosts, Buzzer and Ring Ring were saluted for a marvellous tough run through the bushes, before we ascended on the bulging table.

Finally, a t-shirt fit for Sassy!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1596 - Ring Ring @ Alafua

2011-11-14T11:00:00.003-10:00

Morning All,
Tonights run will be a BYO Meats for the BBQ run at Ring Ring's place in Alafua. Ring Ring is providing all the salads/Breads, etc and hasher's are to bring something to throw on the BBQ.

There is no theme so come with your normal hash gear. Run will start at 1730HRS with a Keg and softies.

For your hash t-Shirts, you need to bring your $25 (per shirt) today including your hash cash....No money, No shirt... :) so please pay up today as we need to recover funds.

Map is below.

On On

Hash Trash 1595

2011-11-11T10:49:00.002-10:00

Yea, verily much has been written in the annals of Hash History, yet seldom has the vagaries of the GM, high priest of the flock, been as convoluted as this week. As the Hashers gathered in groups of twos and threes, in the Pit that is called Snake’s, in the Vale of Saleufi, or Place of the Giant Dogs, confusion reigned as the dutiful found no respite from the silent GM. Though upon the entrance of the man called Swinger, son of the renowned healers of Siusega, the GM called forth that the run required a virgin hare to be sacrificed, and that the run would have a living hare leading the followers. Amongst the gathered there was much muttering, as the man called Swinger was deemed as far removed from virginhood as the Lake of Lanoto is from the Ridge of Tuasivi. Reflecting upon the implications of this sacrifice, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, as none would wish to see the hare in its natural and unwholesome state, that is de-bagged and bare-arsed. The hashers went on bended knee afore the GM, and in high voices lamented their fate, and begged, even unto the lives of all their loved ones, to be spared this ultimate agony. Having conspired as to how he might smite them later, the GM spake thus “go, run into the land of Apia, through the alleyways and the middens, and pursue thoust the hare, who is live, but thou shallt not remove from the hare the garments that are called under.” And they did as they were bidden, and the man Swinger girded up his loins and set forth through the Gates of Venom and Snakebite, and it came to pass as it had been foretold by the GM. For this was a long pursuit, through the alleys of Saleufi, into the shadow of Togafuafua, until the hare that is live found a midden strewn path through the dwellings of the Aai o Niue, that lies by the banks of the river that is called Vaisigano, or bringer-of-sewer-to-the-ocean. The hashers returned to that Pit that is called Snake’s, conspiring and eagerly seeking out the child of Sassy, so they might slay him, verily into a stupor, with the mighty cups that are called Down and Down.

OK, enough blasphemy from your Scribe. The GM – SOTB of the Sass, called the Hash Circle to order an asked who might be new to Apia Hash. There was Ted from Oz, who could not name one Hasher that had brought him, so he was given a large one and certainly drank it like an Oz. The rethreads were Skunk, Horny Ho, Nicole and Crash Bandicoot.

Celebrity Awards went to Mike (wife in paper), Godfather (taken by Swinger), 9’er (kangaroo attacks in Oz), Strangler (was in paper, Rohan was a look alike) and Ali (for the Ali bin Shagger Laundromat photo).

This day in history went to Kat (1999 Oz votes to keep Queen as Head of State – Need Nanny Award), Sassy and Crime (1918 Spanish Flu kills 20% of Samoa) and SOTB (for being in a historic dive record book). Latecummers Pro Bona, Dumass and Sula were given their just rewards.

Opening up for nominations, Ali congratulated someone called J for the care and concern shown during the hosting of the paddling regatta, so Ali was joined by SOTB, Anita, Horny Ho, 9’er, Mike and Crime as well as the lauded Dumass. Sassygirl BJ nominated Ben for the Good Father Award for running with Lucas on his shoulders (he’s done that before, so we may need to find a better term).

Kat fabricated a story about how a certain hasher had been so keen on a soccer game that he had turned up a day early, so Confused By Time Zones Award to Poumuli. Our Japanese couple Ida and Kyoko had been picking some nice flowers and made a bouquet, so Sassy nominated them for the Newlyweds But Lost in Translation Award.

The GM noted that yet again we were sans the normal hash mugs, to which Crash tried to pass the buck to Sassy. This did not work for obvious reasons, so Crash took the Down Down. Sassy was on a roll as usual and thanked Snake for his impromptu hosting, while Poumuli got a false accusation award for intimating that Snake had something to do with the low beer levels in the keg. Nevertheless, the GM found someone that actually works for Vailima to take a Punishment Award – Delicious handed this over to Crash.

Sassy had noticed that while Snake is an electrician, he needed someone to set off to get him Cash Power to enable the opening of the gates. Trying to silence his mother, the GM recalled how a hasher had complained of a backache, and been assured that this could be fixed by Ali, had gone upstairs at Ynot for a LONG time, and looking blank and bewildered upon his return. Dodgy Digging Award to Ali and Dumass.

Your Scribe was not on his best behaviour so he tried to assist the shutting up of Sassy with an award for hiding the money for the 1600th shirts. This backfired tremendously. Swinger added that Crime was not living up to his name, so he joined in. A Leaning Award went to Ben, who wasn’t even paying attention as he was playing on his phone with Lucas, so this became a large one. Since there was a poumuli coming out of the fence, Dumass tried to make this lean, but it didn’t work.
Poumuli tried to get a Density Award for Witch Doctor for not finding Nemo, but she countered with a Needing to be Dragged by Dive Instructor Award. A cellphonus interruptus award went to Nicole, while Poumuli accused Mike of negligence for not debagging Swinger when he had the chance. Ali thought that your Scribe had messed up, so joined the trio.

Finally, Sassy nominated Skunk for the Flagrant Enthusiasm Award for getting all excited about setting the run, then skiving off. The hosts and the hare, Snake, Skunk, Horny Ho (for getting the pizzas) and Swinger were saluted.

Check the blog for details of next week’s run, but it will be hosted by Ring Ring in Alafua, and will be a BYO meat for the BBQ.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1595 - SNAKE PIT

2011-11-07T11:05:00.003-10:00

Hash tonight will be at the Snake pit in town.

Its a "chip in for pizza's" run and there will also be a keg on tonight.

Run starts 1730Hrs...sorry for the late change in Venue.

On On

Hash Trash 1594

2011-11-03T16:30:00.002-10:00

The Hash was hosted at Screamer’s house in Siusega by Spanky, Hornithologist, Colm and Beccy. The hare was Hornithologist who had set the run on flour, which had us worried given the recent rains and the predilection of the local dogs to eat such flour. Oh well, we bravely set out right out the gate – no no no, she meant left – women! On to the Tafagata road for a while, right into the back of Aleisa, when eventually we found a totally confusing false trail along the fence of the Orator Hotel. We realised we could have pushed through, but someone found a new trail on the tracks behind the hotel, and then it was largely on home down past the HUGE church at the corner in Siusega and into the yard for the tumescent sweet nuts of Godfather. All in all a good run, exhausting false trails, unsafe hash marking – we need to be running AGAINST the traffic, and it didn’t rain.

SOTB was to sweaty to wear his Cartman Mask for the circle, so it was an undisguised GM who called things to order. The newbies to Hash were Beccy from Canada, brought by Hornithologist. The rethreads were Tramp, Einstein, Tooth Fairy, Karaoke, Eveready and Slippery. Explanations were too long and your Scribe was swatting at the on-off light to see his writing.

Celebrity Awards went to FBI (Observer photo, Captain Mortein was deemed closest living relative), Ninja (also in the paper, taken by Yuki), and POD (looking like a lady at the ball, so SOTB had to take it with no Lewinsky in sight). This Day in History Awards went to Sondra and Spanky (JFK announced idea of Peace Corps, 1960), Einstein (Prussia stole Schelswig-Holstein from Denmark, 1864) and Captain Mortein (Congress of Vienna made Denmark give Norway to Sweden, 1814). A special Day of Remembrance for Victims of Political Repression went to the GM for all the pain he puts the entire Hash through.

The GM had some special awards to hand out namely a Shortcutting Bastard Award to Swinger for pushing through along the Orator fence. Then there was the unlikely story of a Hasher being caught red-handed ogling a voluptuous girl on the way to Hash, so a Perved But Got Busted Award went to Godfather. Hashmanlike Behaviour I say!

Then there was the Hash Mere who had acted without really thinking, stomping a coconut shell to get it open wearing jandals. Well the coconut bit back. A Stupidity Award to Witch Doctor, and an accompanying one for Poumuli for showing her the trick in the first place. Eveready and Karaoke had been to Las Vegas, and had brought back a Vegas mug, sold by Spanky’s twin, and she was joined by Sassygirl BJ for not bringing the Hash Mugs.

Last week we had the fake quack award for Ali, and this time he came in scrubs, so the Thieving Hospital Property Award went to Ali. Then there was the Bad Parenting Award to Ben for teaching Lucas to swim by means of throwing him into the pool. Poor boy was traumatized and spent the rest of the evening playing under the tarp with the little girls. Oh, more Hashmanlike Behaviour!

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli had received one of those scam emails offering heaps of money, and the identity was given away as the man, one Abdul Wahid, signed that he was Eveready! Nigerian Email Scam Award to Eveready. Sassy nominated Captain Mortein for the Sweeping Untrue Statement Award, claiming that he cooks every day, and noting the fact that Snake had to fix the BBQ.

Sassy also nominated Wahoo and Pirate Princess for chatting up the pool guard – Flagrant Hussy Vixens Award! The GM did a contest for the best dressed hasher at the circle, and nominated 60 and 9’er, Tooth Fairy, Colm and Hornithologist. Tooth Fairy got this one by far for impersonating an insane dentist. Wait a minute…
Ali wanted to nominate Ida and Shideo for not meeting him to go up Mt Vaea, but he couldn’t remember their names, called them Inky and Binky, and the GM decreed that Ali join for probably scaring them out of their wits. Yeah, a fake doctor, what pleasant company for a tramp in the dark forest! Poumuli nominated Screamer for going in the pool rather than running.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted as the food was finally ready.

Check the blog for next week’s run. There will be a sign up sheet for Hash 1600 Run, available in small, medium, large and XL, in cotton or microfiber, colours white, blue, green or red, so come prepared. They will be approximately 25 tala each.

Finally a photo of what Captain Mortein could look like if he pisses off Pirate Princess ever.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Halloween Hash @ Screamers in Siusega

2011-10-31T09:45:00.003-10:00

Morning All,

Tonight's Halloween Hash Run is going to be up at Screamers House in Siusega. Spanky, Hornithologist and Colm are hosting along with Screamer. The hosts have offered to provide the spread for this evenings run.

Theme: As you can tell, its Halloween, so wear a costume! those without a Costume will end up in the pool...

There will also be a Keg as well as softies and sweet nuts from Godfather.

Run starts 1730Hrs so be on time and please bring your $15 hash cash. Parking is at the Front gate only so Carpool if you can (not sure which gate is the front one) you can find that out when you get there.

On On

Hash Trash 1593

2011-10-28T09:55:00.001-10:00

The Hash was hosted by the Ninja Family out in Vaigaga. A heavy rain the last few days and dark clouds made it a cool and pleasant evening for a run. A rather oblique instruction to head right was the first of many false trails. Finding the right trail we set off into the industrial zone past Yazaki, but we were soon tramping down little used paths and through a variety of household gardens. While Ninja had used an excessive amount of paper, when there were check points we were (un)helpfully guided by a bunch of local kids. Basically a good run with mostly road but some bush, and on home we went for a taste of Godfather’s ever-sweet nuts.

SOTB had hung back for most of the run, and was thirsty but coherent, and called the circle to order, bringing out the newbies to Hash. These were Takrea (UNESCO), Samuel (claimed to be Dusatrois), Philip, Rowan (brought by someone called Nobu?), Nao and Kano who both got Ninja’s name right. Rowan landed Ninja with a down down though.

There were no new shoes found, so Shoe Inspector Snake got his just rewards. The rethreads were Ladyfinger, Dried Nuts, Screamer, Strangler, Snake and Ben. Celebrity Awards went to FBI (closest living relative was deemed to be Captain Mortein), Pirate Princess (headline Angry Woman Shoots Man), and Lewinsky for being in the biography of Steve Jobs. Ladyfinger had been listening to the radio at 3 AM and heard a whingeing environmentalist woman blather on and on, and this had to be Screamer.

This Day in History saw a multitude of Hungarian events , the 1593 start of the Long War (only lasted ten years), the 1956 Hungarian revolt (no argument that they are), and the 1989 declaration of the Hungarian Republic – all for Zsa Zsa. In 42 BC the Roman general Marc Antony defeated Brutus, causing him to commit suicide, which was all too reminiscent of our feelings towards the GM – SOTB. Lewinsky had helpfully dug up the gem that in 1917 Denmark sold the Virgin Islands to the US for a pittance – Captain Mortein.

Before the GM could get warmed up, Ali was called forward for leaving his car lights on and for leaning. Not losing his thread, the GM had heard disturbing news of a hasher having lost his pussy. While a renaming was not immediately condoned, a Pussyloser Award went to Pussysnatcher. The GM had also been impressed with a hasher sporting a new Samoan tattoo, or as they are also known, hideously disfiguring coral gashes, and our Hungarian surfer Zsa Zsa was joined in the award by Slim Shady who had been chattering about someone called April.

In further news, the GM had been informed that a hash mere had been walking by the road, been offered a ride by a fellow hasher, declined and continued past a rugby practice filed. Intrigued by the muscular gents, she had girded her loins and watched intently. So much so that she was invited to dinner by Lolo Lui. But she DECLINED! Cockblocker Award to Spanky.

We have all seen the increasing spammage activity on the Hash Blog, and through investigative data specialist Lewinsky, the GM had determined that it had to be Slim Shady. She defended herself vigorously by pointing out that Lewinsky can’t even operate a calculator, so by popular vote Lewinsky joined in the Hacker Award. The GM then gave Fang the Wearing Husbands Clothes Award, as she had on Snake’s shirt, but we didn’t ask what else.

After continuous (or is it continual) chattering from Slim Shady, the Dome of Silence was awarded. Picking up again after a mutinous refusal, the GM wondered if after the RWC defeat if there were any Frenchies in the circle, or barring that anyone who’s had any French in them – Screamer and our local Dusatrois were given the Défaite Glorieuse Award. Not to be outdone, two Kiwi volunteers were needed for the Not Choked Award, and this went to Lewinsky and Ladyfinger. In fact a special request for this had been called in by Brazilian Wax!

Opening up for nominations, Spanky offered the Grandfather Award for Crime, while POD nominated Wahoo and Poumuli for the Wedding Anniversary Award. Sondra was trying to say something, but spilled her beer and was joined by Godfather for being overdressed at Hash. Poumuli gave an Environmental Award to Ninja for setting the trail with as much paper as we normally go through in a year. It didn’t end for Ninja there, as his mate Takrea was leaning and Ninja obviously hadn’t told him all the rules.

Hornithologist nominated Spanky for personally getting through 3 beer towers in 3 nights. This is commendable, but no one saw fit to point this out for a backfire. Happily SOTB was forced to join in as a shareholder in all 3 establishments.
Lewinsky had been waiting patiently for Snake to install a new generator, but for some reason the technological terms had puzzled him and it was actually an inverter. Poumuli had to join in for pointing out that this was pedantry, or in plain English pure fuckery. (yes Strangler they are both real words)

Snake wanted to know why we were gulping from pretty tea mugs, and where were the Hash Mugs? Crash Bandicoot was absent, and while we thought Captain Mortein was his closest living relative this instead was bestowed on SOTB. Ninja brought forth the Angry Bird Hat, and asked one of the newcomers who had declined to join the circle as the hashers appeared to her as weird and scary – so a true Chicken Award to Kyoko. Slim Shady joined in for her repeated escapes from the Dome of Silence.
Pirate Princess announced that Jasmine had turned 5 yesterday, and that Captain Mortein had made the perfect cake, so a Boulanger Award was required. Screamer tried to get Pirate for teaching daughters about down downs, but she went into FBI-mode, and since the girls have been to Hash since inception, it was decided that this one should backfire. Hornithologist joined because she is leaving Samoa.

Ali had been driving over the hill when he spotted two hashers beating some people who had crashed into their garbage – Sondra and Ben got a Waste Management (Reservoir Dogs style) Award. But Ben pointed out that Ali had presented himself as a Doctor to alleviate the suffering, so a Non-Doogie Howser Award was required. Further on medical issues, Witch Doctor was called forth to explain her grievous coral cut wounds, but was cut short and was joined by Kat for the Coral Mining Award.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted as we were salivating over what was a sumptuous Japanese meal.

And finally, we should all ask the question: Did Philip fart?

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1593 - Vaigaga with Ninja and Family (aka Team Japan)

2011-10-24T08:43:00.003-10:00

Morning All, Today's run will be hosted by Ninja and Family at their home in Vaigaga. The hosts have kindly offered to provide the spread for this evening, so I am sure there will be some scrumptious special treats tonight!

Directions: Head down towards Vaitele, and just before you get to Lotto Samoa and the Chinese Supermarket on the right hand side (just after One Stop Rentals) take the turn off on the right and head down the road. The house is the 3rd house on the right hand side with a green roof.

There will be a keg and softies as usual. There is no theme for the day, so come in your regular hash gear. Run starts at 1730HRS so try be on time and don't forget to bring your hash cash!

On On

Hash Trash 1592

2011-10-20T11:56:00.001-10:00

The Hash was hosted by Tasha and Jade at YNot Bar, and Dumass was the Hare. He announced that he had set the trail on flour, an entirely unnecessary statement given the state of his shorts, cap, hair and shades. He looked like a disgruntled baker basically. His vague instructions turned out to have been based on some evil deviousness, as he had introduced heaps of false trails to a familiar neighbourhood. The first was well hidden behind a parked car, and Hot Nuts and Poumuli were already well on their way down the correct trail, but obediently backtracked towards YNot where the trail – false – went into some shitty overgrown garbage dump. Back out onto the Vaiala Beach Road, the trail was scantily marked for the most, but with a flurry of marks elsewhere – very erratic. Anyway, out past the UN offices and down Vaiala Vini Road, with a false trail down to the Apia Park tennis courts, back down into someone’s yard and along the creek. Such an intense stench of garbage and pig-poo, but we re-joined the road and went on-home along Beach Road. So inventive use of this part of town by Dumass, except that daylight savings time is making our low altitude runs bloody hot. Maybe we should start at 6PM?

The circle was called to order by SOTB the GM, who called forth any newbies to Apia Hash, these were Kat and Colum. The rethreads were Poumuli, Do Me Twice, Mike the Banker, Hooker Lua, Hornithologist and Anita. Titty Galore had been spotted running in new shoes, and had hidden them from sight. However the alternative of drinking from the GM’s shoes had the magical effect of their retrieval. She was later joined by Anita who did hers with amazing alacrity.

Celebrity Awards went to Godfather, SOTB, Sassygirl BJ, Poumuli, POD (Lewinsky) and Wahoo for being in the Observer. This Day in History Awards went to Hot Nuts and Ninja for being UN types on World Food Day, Captain Mortein for the 1016 defeat by the Danes of the Saxons and battle of Ashington, and Dumass and Lewinsky our two publicans for the 1814 London Beer Flood, in which 323,000 gallons of beer were released killing 9, mostly resisting rescuing. They were joined by Crime and Kirsten for leaning, shortly followed by Colum.

On the run one hasher had been observed playing soccer with some kids, and nearly getting run over in the process, so the Rooney Roadkill Award went to Ali. The GM had been watching something called Rugby League on the weekend, and called for two token Kiwis and Kangaroos – Mike and DMT. DMT had been nattering along the whole time, so the GM awarded her the new Dome of Silence, which is actually more of a Skeletor mouth guard, but seems to work.

Lewinsky was called forth for an explanation as to why his establishment would be the last bar standing on Beach Road, but no credible explanation came other than a reference to a vague shadowy character called Jay, so the Mafia Award was doubled. The GM had a further award for a Kiwi hasher who plays with an Ozzie – Cockblocker for the Quade Cooper Lookalike Award. There was much mumbling from the Dome of Silence and repeated knocks to the head were required.

Then there was the Hash Mere whose face is on the Rock the Boat billboard – Huge Celebrity Award to Tasha. Another Hasher had managed to get two tickets to the RWC Finals, and had not offered one to the GM, so a Sensible Move Award went to Mike.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli stepped forward having received numerous reports of the GM’s growing despotism and that he was acting like a two-headed demon, so he produced for him a 2-Headed Satan Cup for his future down downs.

Sassygirl nominated Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein for fighting in public, but after some explanation this was amended to the Foreplay Award. Lewinsky nominated Horny Ho for advertising, as she was wearing a Playboy Bunny hat, and with no reply forthcoming she got the Are You Ready For A Good Time Big Boy Award. Kat got one for false accusation – something about the GM and phones.

Poumuli recalled how the Perimeter Relay prize t-shirts were white, but that Lewinsky’s was pink. Seeing what he was wearing the explanation was obvious, as POD denied washing them together – Washing While Home Alone Award to Lewinsky. At this point Titty G was spotted trying to re-arrange Godfather’s garments but instead made it look like an exposition, so she was given the Wait Til You Get Home Award.
Dumass complained that at the last Hash the food had run out, yet he had seen Lewinsky tucking away at a whole meaty leg. Apparently this was a set-up by the GM, so both of them got it. Pirate Princess nominated Deirdry for breaking a glass. Horny Ho picked up her indignant tone to accuse Godfather of indecent exposure at Matareva for wearing his tight yellow budgie smugglers. This backfired as Horny Ho had obviously gotten excited about it. Godfather was then awarded an Angry Bird hat to go with his budgie smugglers.

The Apia Hash Mad Monk then made an appearance, and called forth Kirsten, who has voodoo magic tricks and sorcery skills of a medicinal nature. She shall henceforth be known as Witch Doctor.

Calling forth Tasha and Jade, the Mad Monk noted that there had been a lot of diving recently in Samoa, lots of it. Henceforth Tasha shall be known as 60 and Jade as 9’er.

CB then nominated our Japanese friends for pumping money into SPREP. Poumuli tried to get the GM for not being sufficiently skilled at SPAM blocking on the blog, but this backfired. Titty G nominated the cooks for doing a good job – indeed! And then Slim Shady turned up late.

Mike had a distressing story to tell of a young lady, left pregnant and barefoot while her husband took off to New Zealand. Yes, the Husband of the Year Award to Lewinsky, who was muttering incoherently by now.
Slim Shady nominated Ninja for losing the Chicken Hat. No he said, it was in his bedroom. While we all agreed that he should have a down-down, that particular chicken hat can be his forever now. Sassygirl was leaning and DMT was mumbling so we gave her a beer.

The Hare and the Hosts, 60, 9’er, Dumass and Tasi were saluted, and a fine feast of BBQ and assorted salads was consumed.
Next week will be with Team Japan out in Vaigaga somewhere, check the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1592 - Ynot Bar - Rugby World Cup Run

2011-10-17T09:47:00.003-10:00

Please note that I had to go in and edit the GM's post for spelling!
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Morning All,
Sorry for the late post. Today's run will be at the Y-Not Bar at Matautu. Tasha and Jade are kindly hosting the run tonight. The Theme for the run is Rugby World Cup Final so don your All Blacks or French Rugby gear for tonight's run. Or any other World Cup related gear.

Run starts at 1730Hrs and there will be a keg and food there....See you all then!

On On

White Sunday Hash Run - Matareva Beach

2011-10-07T14:27:00.005-10:00

Next weeks run will be a BYO Run at Matareva Beach on the south coast...We aren't 100% sure if the beach is open, but we will head there for the run and if it is, then we will have it there, if not, then we will move to Tafatafa beach (backup)

Run starts at 2pm, so try and be there around lunch time to 1pm to give you sufficient time to head to Tafatafa if we have to. There will be beers there (no keg but crates) but if you want to party hard, then bring your extra beers/drinks. We will have the hash BBQ there so bring something to throw on the BBQ unless you have something else pre-prepared that you wish to bring.

Also, if anyone wants to set the run, please let me know as we're looking for a hare.

Map is below for directions

On On

If there are changes or you are lost, call SOTB on 7500767

Hash Trash Run 1590

2011-10-05T03:37:00.001-10:00

When HASH is hosted at Y Not Bar in Matautu, there are some pros and cons. The Pros are that it is a great venue and always a great feed but the cons are that your scribe ran into some friends visiting from Australia and got distracted for the first few rounds of downdowns!

Starting from this day in history – On October 3 a long long time ago, a Danish slave ship sank, killing everyone onboard. The resident Dane Captain Mortein took his first of many downdowns for the night due to his Danish ancestry and poor captaining skills.

GM Awards started with stories from the weekend. One Hashman was sleeping after attending a hash birthday party and heard dogs barking outside his house. Assuming they were howling at the moon, he thought nothing of it. In reality there was a new moon and the dogs were barking at the ninjas who broke in to his house! Downdowns for Ben for sleeping and Ninja for passing his ninja skills to the locals!

Latecomers Broboner, Pirate Princess and newbie Deidre took their turn in the middle and GM awards continued. Hotnutz caught his first marlin-80kgs! Dev was in the bar but didn’t come us as a retread! Titty G told the GM she bought new shoes and was going to try to run in them but then didn’t even walk AND didn’t bring the shoes! Not sure what happened but GM took off his shoes and I think Titty G begged forgiveness and promised to bring her own next week.

Before the run when Ninja Mom was rocking Ninja Baby in the pram as Sassy Girl was looking on adoringly, Captain remarked to SOTB that Sassy probably wants grandchildren. The truth though, is that POD heard Captain say he’d help her make them! We’re not sure Captain understands that just because he’s old, doesn’t mean his babies count as grandchildren, but we’ll give him a downdown and leave it at that.

Birthdays: Dumass, SOTB, Snake, Tasha, and Shafter 

Goodbye to ACDC who left later that night on his American Dance tour (http://www.waterisrising.com). Hello to Deidre who was a latecomer so didn’t get to introduce herself the first time – she works at CV and was brought by people named Desh and Court? Downdowns for them whole lot of em!

On to awards from the floor: Sassy Girl dobbed in Ali for leaning and Godfather for not explaining the rules, but Godfather nominated Swinger as his whipping boy. Hotnutz nominated shortcutters Hideo and wife whose only excuse was, “we followed Sassy!”

Chili’s bag got stolen at ACDC’s semiengagement party last week so the two of them were nominated. Yours truly took her turn in the middle because I invited my friend on a walk today but didn’t exactly tell him we were walking to hash… oops! Ever since Captain said he wanted to make grandbabies with Sassy, Pirate Princess was latched on to her Captain. This did not escape Sassy’s attention. Wonder if it was Captain or Sassy who wanted those babies more?

With so few nominations from the floor, I nominated Wahoo for singing her little but off! Our side of the circle, which had more than 10 people, was barely singing except for Wahoo. This was painfully obvious when she was the one getting a downdown!

In honor of the epic game where Tonga kicked some Frog butt, everyone wearing Tonga Red represented them (Ben and Hot Nutz). More in sports, the Sea Eagles beat the Warriors in the Rugby League Championship and anyone with Australian blood stepped up to represent. That was Jade even though she claimed she’s from Melbourne, where people don’t watch that stuff.

Roadkill award to Kirsten for almost getting run over 4 times on the run. Shortcutter award from Sassy, the self proclaimed Queen of Shortcuts, who came back to find Wahoo and her friend already sitting down!

Loser award to GM who made the Nafanua team loose in their Regatta because he refused to paddle in the finals! Dumass followed that up with another award for GM – Dumass claimed GM offered to set the run but by 4:45 he still hadn’t set it. Dumass dragged his sad, flu ridden body out of bed and called him to see what was what. Right of reply, GM DID set the run! It was on flour with 4 false trails and a great run according to the front running bastards. Downdown awarded to Dumass for ungratefulness!

Finally, host and hare: ACDC had left already to catch his plane, but Tasi, Dumass and SOTB took their downdowns with grace. Dinner was a great spread prepared mostly by Tasi, including crab- seafood – curry -palusami! Delish!
Next week is White Sunday, so Monday is a Public Holiday. Run will be at 2 at a beach/swimming pool. Still looking for hosts so anyone who is interested please contact Spanky at 7262122!

ONON!

Spanky

Hash Run 1590 - Ynot Bar

2011-09-30T11:32:00.002-10:00

Morning All,
Next weeks run is going to be down at Y-Not Bar in Matautu. Dumass AC/DC and the Nafanua Club will be hosting the run on Monday. Run will start at 1730 Hrs as normal and there will also be a keg there on the day.

There is no theme at the moment, but check back on Monday in case we update the blog...See you all then!

Other things happening this week:

Friday (5:30pm onwards) Tiafau Fale, Millenia, AC/DC's semi engagement Party
Saturday (1pm onwards) - Nafanua Paddling Regatta (Ynot Bar, Matautu)
Saturday (7:30pm onwards) - Zha Zha and Slim Shaddy's Birthday party at Zha Zha's place (Vaoala) Theme: G or M

On On

Hash Trash 1589

2011-09-28T07:03:00.001-10:00

Buenos Dias from Panama, and thanks to Spanky for the Hash Trash
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slt

Even with daylight savings giving us some extra sunlight, it was still chilly up in Afiamalu where Ben and Sondra hosted their first HASH last night. As it was their first time hosting, there was some confusion and nobody set a run. Pussy snatcher stepped up to lead the few hashers who managed to find the house on the top of the mountain.

New to Apia HASH were Trevor from Houston brought by Pussy Snatcher and Joey from Hawaii who is ACDC’s fiancé! ACDC joined them in their welcome down down because apparently in the few weeks he has known Joey he forgot to tell her to call him ACDC. Also, his belt buckle said ACDC.

Retreads were Yuki who has been scubadiving, Ninja and wife who went to Tokelau and ACDC who was busy looking after Ninja in Tokelau. And getting engaged!
With no Poumuli to bring evidence, Celebrity awards were considerably less reliable than usual. Godfather’s sister was seen on TV at Eden Park so closest living relative was deemed Captain Mortein. World Peace Day was Last Wednesday and there were beautiful pictures of Snatch’s mom (CLR Pussy Snatcher) and Slim Shady.
SOTB is such a technologically advanced GM that he has been storing his awards on his phone and reading them off, which is great unless Lewinsky calls the GM in the middle of the circle! First GM award of the night was telephones Interuptus for SOTB. This was not the last telephones interuptus from cheeky Lewinsky who was home sick but still managed to give out downdowns to those who forgot to turn off their phones in the circle.

Continuing with GM awards, someone claimed to see Spanky eating at Pinatis with a group of boys on Saturday night and not sharing her food! I took the downdown but for the record I did share!!! In the theme of superhero masks, ZsaZsa spent hours working on his Troy-inspired broom on cardboard helmet instead of doing important work at UN! DMT said this was a false accusation because she had seen GM wearing that helmet at a previous costume party, but GM didn’t care and sent them both to the middle. Earlier in the night Chilindrina kicked GM’s beer over on his feet and then refilled it with a cup of foam – how rude! Final GM award was for the closest living relative to Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu, who recently made comments about how unfair world cup scheduling was. Unfortunately for Pirate Princess, she is somehow related. Some in the circle thought this was an unfair downdown and GM was acting a bit Hitler.

A couple of birthdays in the group – ZsaZsa who took his downdown after inviting us all to his fantasy themed birthday party he is cohosting with Slim Shady (Dress as your fantasy starting with an M or a G– I’m thinking of dressing as our GM!). Sadly, it is Kareoke’s birthday too but she is home sick! Everready was sad that they couldn’t go out to Kokobanana for her birthday…so he left her at home to be sick and came to Hash alone!

On to awards from the floor- some burning plastic smells from the BBQ got Ben, Captain and Snake in the middle, CB’s marine life inspired tattoo got him one, ZsaZsa asked Slim Shady to buy him lubricant while she was in NZ and this inspired a round of downdowns as well. ACDC, who has been in Tokelau for a while, nominated the GM for “look good and do good GM. Better now.” This comment on GM’s improvement was graciously accepted, but the rebuttal was that ACDC left Samoa speaking English and came back having lost it! Double downdown because ACDC was also leaning… on his fiancé. They were, like, totally making out.

On to what we were all interested to hear – how did Joey and ACDC meet? She went on an archeological did in Tokelau and it was like two magnets drawn together in the night. And also, there’s not a lot of guys in Tokelau. We are all humbly invited to their engagement bbq at Milenia on Friday. In ACDC’s words, theme is “no fancy.”
Many nice costumes and masks were on display, but there were some who came with no mask and raided the garden. Jungle Raider award from Sassy to Dumass, Crime, Pussy Snatcher and Slim Shady for all the leaves on their heads. A double to Dumass who had two leaves pointing up and looked like a playboy bunny, err, bush bunny.
At least the jungle raiders had costumes though! Team Japan made the effort to come all the way up the mountain and yet made no effort to make a costume! This did not go unnoticed by Sassy.

Hookalua held up a white ie in the circle and nominated the one who had lost their skirt. ZsaZsa looked down to his shorts then up with a red face. He claimed the dogs grabbed it… but we think it might have had something to do with the excess of lube from NZ.

GM noticed however that Hookalua had only given one award but had been talking the whole time! And, he brought her a mask which she refused to wear. Downdown for Hookalua!

Slim Shady, in her lubrication obsessed state, shared a disturbing comment Pussy Snatcher made earlier about how he doesn’t like manufactured lube but prefers it natural…by using snails. She of course also got voted in because somehow all of Slim’s nominations seem to backfire on her as well.
ACDC had one more nomination, but to be honest I have no idea what he said. Something about “making chef” and all the bbq boys took their downdown (Captian Mortein and Snake).

At this point in the circle there was much chatter and neither GM nor Sassy appreciated the lack of respect for the circle! No Respect for Authority Double downdowns for DMT, Slim and Sondra. Sondra has gotten this a few weeks in a row but she hasn’t even been named yet so she better watch out or when she gets her name she’s not going to like it!

Last award was for Crime who stayed behind the front running bastards and did the whole run with Sassy, even encouraging her to complete the whole thing. Malo Crime!
Thanks to Hosts Ben and Sondra for putting on a great spread! Pussy Snatcher says it was the best oka he has ever tasted!

To recap, here is the schedule of upcoming events:
Friday – ACDC and Joey’s engagement party at Milenia. Theme is No Fancy.
Saturday day – Nafanua hosts a social paddling regatta. Anyone interested in rowing contact CB. Starts at noon.

Saturday night – Slim Shady and ZsaZsa’s birthday party at Zsazsa’s place. Theme is dress as your fantasy starting with an M or a G.
Monday Oct 3– Hash at Y Not Bar in Matautu – hosted by Dumass and ACDA. Also a farewell for ACDC (another one!) as he leaves Monday night for the Water Is Rising tour, dancing for climate change. (http://www.waterisrising.com) THEME of run – WATER IS RISING.
Monday Oct 10 – Holiday run for White Sunday – still looking for hosts! Anyone interested can contact Spanky at 7262122 thanks!

On On
Spanky

Hash Trash 1588

2011-09-23T09:50:00.000-11:00

Kia Ora from Aotearoa. This is a bit rushed but hoping you all will have a good time next week. Look out for us in the Samoa Fiji game!

The Hash was hosted by Zsa Zaa, Chilindrina and Slim Shady up on Bank Street. It was a fine cool evening which was good as many runners were suffering since the Relay. The trail was a familiar one from Zsa Zsa, except he did it in reverse this time. It was really hard getting down the trail into the valley, and when there it was the usual straight back up the cow pastures and on home. Not too long but made us sweat.

SOTB was willing to be GM, probably as he had a bunch of revenge to mete out. He called forth the newbies and these were Yuko and Hide from Japan, Neil from Fiji guest of Horny Ho, and our famous singer Ben Vai and Rosabelle who claimed to be the hired help. The rethreads were Snake, Dumass and we warmly welcomed Mustang Sally. Celebrity Awards went to Zsa Zsa, Poumuli and Hot Nuts (SPREP meeting photo in Observer), Sassygirl BJ (full page story on leadership in Observer), Lewinsky (free advertising in Observer), Swinger (Mom’s letter to the Editor) and Lezzie (returning photo from SPG, which Captain Mortein took as closest living relative).

This Day in History Awards went to Zsa Zsa – Hungary admitted to League of Nations in 1922; POD for St Ariane of Phrygia Day which SOTB took; US Constitution Day to Spanky; International Talk Like A Pirate Day to Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein; and this was the day Monica Lewinsky started her psychology degree at Lewis and Clark College.

The GM started his awards, naming Swinger for excessive running today. He presented a Commitment Award to Mustang for coming to Hash straight from the airport instead of seeing her family. Apparently Dumass had blown away a bunch of kids during a school beach day run. Karaoke got the No Faith Award for thinking the teams wouldn’t finish the relay, while a Scandalous Rumour Award went to Hot Nuts and Cockblocker for being left alone in the house with Pauline playing doctors and nurses following her dramatic sprained ankle incident.

Poumuli then nominated Lewinsky for wanting a white stain on the blue running shirts, but was forced to join in for leaning towards an FBI award. Sassy nominated Ben for doing a good job keeping Sondra quiet this time – didn’t last. Captain Mortein noted that on October 5 a ruthless dictator in Italy was hung by his ankles and wondered if there was another ruthless dictator present whose birthday fell on the same day – SOTB accepted the Mussolini Honourable Mention Award.

CB wanted to recognize a hasher for all the help provided in support of the relay, and nominated Slippery for a Hero Award. Poumuli got this doubled with a Hiding Candle under the Bushel Award, as Francis’s photos were much better than Slippery’s and there were no boob-shots to edit out.

Hooker Lua nominated Neil and Crime for Knights in Shining Armour Award for rescuing her on the run. CB and Ben got an FRB Award for not calling On On, while Sassy nominated Slim Shady for the Poledancing Award for, well doing just that in the bushes on the run!

Poumuli nominated Sassy for the Good Parenting Award, because according to the blog she gave her offspring more than 4 down downs last hash. Damien stepped forward and nominated Ben for the Lost in Translation Award. He had asked whether the red hibiscus flowers were the flour we were supposed to follow. Lewinsky nominated Snake for the Services to Hash Award for sponsoring kegs to the after party, When it was pointed out that Godfather had sponsored the other one then Swinger was identified as closest living relative to his disdain.

We had some advertising awards that were lost to posterity before we thanked the hosts and hare, who had put on a great feast thanks to the Curry House plus hot dogs from Rosabelle and Ben. POD got in a Luckiest Hash Mere Award to Wahoo for her extensive travel schedule.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

2011-09-21T15:40:00.003-11:00

Talofa,

Next weeks run is going to be hosted by Ben and Sondra up at their home in Afiamalu (top of the Cross Island Road) They live 2 houses up from the infamous Taito Phillip Fields house on the top of the Cross Island Road.

Directions: Head up the Cross Is Rd and go past Kelsey Land and the Bahai Temple and look for the 2nd house after Taito's place. If you drive past the turn off to Lake Lanuto'o, then you have gone too far. Look out for the hash cars and paper on the Road...the house is opposite the Aggie Greys cattle farm

Hosts have offered to provide the spread and hash will also have a keg ready for Monday's run. There is a theme for the day...its MASKED SUPER HERO'S...prize for the most creative Masked Super Hero :)

Run starts at 1730HRS so be prompt and also bring your hash cash, and something warm to wear after the run as it will be quite cold up there.

Map is below for those that don't know where to go.
On On

Hash Trash 1587

2011-09-19T16:03:00.000-11:00

Mismanagement had declared that since we had two Hash Teams running in the Samoa Perimeter Relay it would be counted as an official Hash Run. The teams – A Band of Angels and Cocktails on the Rocks – had been training hard, none more than SOTB and Lewinsky. Captain Mortein was convinced that they had lost over 50 kgs between them. Band of Angels consisted of SOTB, Lewinsky, Poumuli, Hot Nuts, Ben and Pauline, while Coctails had Captain Mortein, Pussysnatcher, Cockblocker, Zsa Zsa, young Mark and Mike. We had a wonderful support crew, amongst them Sassygirl BJ, Crash Bandicoot, POD, Wahoo, Damien, Swinger, Do Me Twice, Slim Shady, Pirate Princess and the two wonderful masseuses provided by Godfather. The Angels started its run at 5.15 AM and Cocktails at 5.50 AM. Can’t really say much about the actual run as it blurred into heat induced exhaustion after a while. The first two legs were alright but then the heat really began to make a difference. Cocktails passed the Angels at Le Mafa Pass and graciously encouraged the Angels, a big difference from the “we will take you down” taunting that Captain had engaged in when their team had first begun to catch up. Special mention should be made of the heroic efforts of SOTB and Lewinsky – especially the finish which SOTB actually sprinted. Damien was photographing the whole event and this should make for interesting viewing.

Most of us buggered off before the awards ceremony to shower and prepare for the Manu Samoa game, but apparently there was some confusion. Both teams won gift certificates for pizza, and of course there were the celebratory t-shirts. Angels had one error in that one, as we hadn’t notified that there was a size shift when Ben replaced POD on the team. No worries – the sponsor gave his up instead and gave the remaining small shirt to Wahoo.

POD was asked to be the GM as SOTB was too tired and emotional after the Manu Samoa loss. There were a few new to Hash, John and Toni from Oz brought by Strangler, and Bruce who couldn’t remember his own hash name (was in Divas or Dingo?) and took a down down. The rethreads were Spanky, Damien, Pauline, Sassy and Hornithologist. The GM then went through her awards for the run starting with Hot Nuts who had waited all this time for the opportunity to rub Pauline’s legs, or massaging as he called it. Before the start of the Hot Nuts had also strapped up SOTB’s knee, during which Poumuli enquired if he could also cover the mouth, to which Sassy replied that there wasn’t enough tape for that – Proud Mother Award for both of them. Then there was the incident with all and sundry searching for the paper marking the legs, and as it had been with Crash the whole time he got the Dumbass Award. Also, it had been noticed that while most of the runners had company on the massage truck, Lewinsky had managed to get himself a solo massage – Happy Ending Award.

Captain Mortein was dobbed in for his competitive taunting of the Band of Angels, while Zsa Zsa was given the Shit Goes Missing Award for leaving his sunglasses behind, and giving the instruction that they were next to the chicken. PS got the Unnecessary Exuberance Award for being way too chirpy and obviously on drugs or something. The GM then gave a Strangler Award to CB and Zsa Zsa – CB for singing awfully, and Zsa Zsa for running faster to get away from the caterwauling. DMT got a Special Merit Award for putting up with the sheer pong of the Cocktails team, and for the scratches received when surreptitiously peeing in the bushes.

Opening up for awards was going to be difficult as the circle was by now incredibly rowdy. She lamented that the Dome of Silence has gone missing and called forth Sondra to step forward with Ben in order to restore some order. Captain Mortein was given the Grumpy Award for sneering about Samoa’s chances and then sleeping through half the game. Further on the game we all agreed that the ref was a bastard, and being Irish a Leprechaun Award had to be handed to anyone resident in Eire – oh, yes Damien was given this one by Sassy. What a Mother to have, eh! A further rugby award went to anyone Australian for losing to Eire – Mike and Bruce the Diva Dingo.
Back on the run CB had been observed peeing in front of a family in a fale – Indecent Exposure Award. SOTB had obviously needed to dig deep for his motivation to run, and at a point of flagging spirits his mother gets off the truck to help him, but instead power walks him off the road. This earned Sassy a Poor Execution Award.

Spanky explained that she was late as there was no TV coverage at Cappuccino Vineyard, which earned Pro Boner and Pirate Princess a Poor Host Award.
Sassy demanded to do the down-down song solo as PS had been killing her ears softly during the circle. Poumuli and Lewinsky got one for sponsorship, while Poumuli got another for stretching his ass in front of Slim Shady. After a vote she joined him for being obsessed with asses.

Poumuli had been given the relay torch by the organizers, and decided that Pauline should have this as she was the only angel on the team. Pity she didn’t use it later that evening to find her way, as she fell into a ditch and seriously hurt herself. Pirate Princess then also got a Merit Award and for using coconuts in a suggestive manner to get the Captain to run faster, joined by Wahoo for downing two vodka & cranberry before 10 AM. Strangler got the Confused Award for doing the relay on a bicycle – he was the support for Slava who ran the whole damned 104 km by himself.
Eveready thanked the Hash on behalf of the US Vets who had organized the event, and then Hot Nuts said grace and we laid into the well prepared feast.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1588 - Vaoala, Bank St with Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy

2011-09-19T09:09:00.002-11:00

Morning All,
Following from Saturdays special Perimeter Run/Hash Run, tonights run is being hosted by Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy up at Zsa Zsa's place in Vaoala on Bank Street, just down the road from where we had the On On on Saturday.

Congrats again to the two hash teams for completing the Perimeter Relay over the weekend...well done!

The hosts are providing a spread tonight so no need to bring anything for the BBQ. Run will start at 1730Hrs so be on time and dont forget your hash cash..there will also be a keg there tonight...

See you then.
On On.

Hash Trash 1586

2011-09-14T13:37:00.000-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Slipppery at his house by NUS. The run was set on paper, and we were warned to closely follow the trail. Yes indeed, it had been trickily set by Buzzer. We went up left from the house, led off by Tallyho and Poumuli, who quickly missed the first turnoff. Tracking back we went through someone’s front yard, down the back into the gully, which saw a lot of slips and falls. Reaching the bottom the trail zigged and zagged through the bush, but this meant that the slower runners had an advantage in catching up to the front. Several incidents with barbed wire ensued, including Captain Mortein using Poumuli as a cushion. Out of the bush we raced up through a taro patch to reach the road. We then followed a country trail up and around to rejoin the parallel road to NUS. Thankfully we didn’t have to go all the way down and around as the trail had been arranged to go through someone else’s yard. Excellent effort by the Hare.

SOTB as GM called the circle to order, which was a tall one given the screaming offspring running around. He called on those new to Apia Hash, which were Nick and Janine from NZ, brought by Ladyfinger, and David and Alistair brought by Godfather – obviously the Hashers had given good instructions! Slight interruption from Do Me Twice who was caught for a cellphonus interruptus. The Rethreads were Strangler, DMT, Pussysnatcher, Cockblocker and Jeff. Reasons given were not heard by your Scribe over the screaming kids.

Celebrity Awards went to Swinger, Ben, Tallyho, Lewinsky and Slim Shady (large Observer free advertising for On the Rocks), Crime for the crime is not our culture headline, and Captain Mortein was deemed Lezzie’s closest living relative for the condemnation by SUNGO in the Observer.

For this year in history, in 1792 the French Crown Jewels and the Hope Diamond were stolen, so Ben being Swiss and closest neighbour got the Failure to Protect Family Jewels. In 1989 Hungary freed interned East German refugees, a major cause for the fall of the Iron Curtain – to Zsa Zsa. In the year 122 construction of Hadrian’s Wall begins in order to keep hairy-arsed Scots out of Roman England – Swinger should have got this one, but visitor Alistair was picked instead (your Scribe escaped detection, with a Scottish Great-great grandmother!). In 1899 the first person ever to be killed by an automobile, in the US – Lily and Rachel. In 1916 Mary the Elephant was hanged for stepping on her handler, cruelty by crane – this one went to Eveready.

The GM presented a Sabotaging the Hash Team Award to Lewinsky for knocking up the team’s fittest runner pregnant. When he took the award he said he hoped it was him, to which Eveready noted that if it was a girl then yes!
The GM awarded Ben the Changed Apparel Award for running in shoes rather than jandals, and Captain Mortein for getting a shiner from Pirate Princess that he had tried to hide with makeup. The GM had been chatting with Titty Galore, and noted something on her lip, looked like a bite mark, but she insisted it was a cold sore. The GM decreed that a Vampire Award go to the cause of the bite mark, namely Godfather. In terms of the Hash Cash he reminded Crime that it wasn’t enough to pay some cash!

A few months ago Hashers will recall that there was an act of selfless bravery at Lalomanu, and now that Strangler was back we could finally award this one. Turning to the run, Captain Mortein had bumped into the GM, then rolled in the dirt and used the GM to get up only to take off. Poumuli called for this to be made a double for the act of using Poumuli as a cushion against barbed wire.

Coming back to the screaming kids, a Mother’s Award went to Pirate Princess and Sondra. Opening up for nominations POD nominated DMT for her Vailima adverts. Swinger nominated PS for Wanting Ice in the Crotch Award, based on his comments on the relay. This prompted Captain Mortein to nominate the sponsors of the relay teams for the Generosity Award – Poumuli and Lewinsky.

Jeff and Buzzer were caught leaning, and then Tallyho had an absolute epi fit, roaring and ranting about lack of Hash t-shirts being worn in the circle, and generally berating the assembled miserable bastards, and Lewinsky hadn’t called an on-on, etc etc. The GM decided that this had gone on for long enough to bring Tallyho close to an aneurysm, and gave him an FBI Award.

Eveready spoke of creating a very special cake for the weekend party, which he had spent lots of time on only to hear the host telling the kids it was in the shape of a hammer! Susan step forward. Captain Mortein then nominated two hashers who had been training very hard for the relay and must surely collectively have lost 50 kilos – Relay Challenge Award to SOTB and Lewinsky. Poumuli tried to get this doubled as Lewinsky had stayed in front of him the whole way back, taking advantage of the zig zag and false trails, but this backfired. (I was not jealous of his fitness!)

The GM called forth Susan in the absence of the Apia Mad Hash Monk, or Mum as he calls her, and told the Hash that this former telecom worker was leaving us soon. She shall henceforth be known as Callgirl.
The Hares and the Hosts were thanked for an excellent run, with Ring Ring stepping in for Buzzer’s award together with Slippery.

The GM noted that the Perimeter Relay will be an official Hash Run and that those not in the teams should gather for the last leg and run along in support. He also noted that Hot Nuts has offered us his house for the post-relay BBQ, and that there would be a pig, a keg and possibly a lamb. Godfather who will not be with us, pledged two masseuses to slake the pain of the runners.

Watch the blog for next Monday’s run

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1585

2011-09-09T12:58:00.000-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Delicious and Crash Bandicoot in honour of Baby Luana’s birthday. The run – well I have no idea. Wahoo and I arrived late, and the trucks had already set off for the A to B run. Your Scribe went for a trot around the neighbourhood instead, and came back to find the pack trickling in to sample the sweet nuts of Godfather.

Oh well, praises be, SOTB was running and remarkably lucid and non-snarling. He called for anyone new to Apia Hash, and we got Carl from NZ, brought by Godfather, Pippa brought by Ladyfinger, and Adam who said he had been invited by someone called Yoh. Godfather joined in the welcoming down-downs. The rethreads were Chilindrina (in Mexico), Zsa Zsa (off somewhere), Lily and Rachel (buggered off to Savaii), Tooth Fairy (extracting in Savaii), and Michael (doctors orders – apparently you shouldn’t run if you have a social disease). Joining them were Hot Nuts and Susan for being chatty catties during the explanations.

Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky for winning the Rugby World Cup ticket and for going sans wife, Eveready and Karaoke were on TV, and Captain Mortein joined for leaning on the truck.
For this year in history all your Scribe could come up with was the fact that Monica was indeed working at the White House. However, Lewinsky again triumphed with a series of spurious Norwegian events, such as the restriction of women’s voting rights in 1907 (for retarded ones), 1194 death of King Magnus (I am not related) and 1992 the production of the world’s longest salami (well hung we are). Poumuli and Lewinsky accepted their mutually ridiculous accusations.

The GM had been busy at work looking at Facebook and had seen Poumuli complaining about being bankrupted by Wahoo in Singapore. Oh this was going to be a long night. The GM also had a case of a hasher avoiding phonecalls from all and sundry and hiding out in town, finally tracked down and hauled out by the ear – Crash got the Prodigal Husband Award.

A heinous crime had been observed by the GM – Ladyfinger had poured himself a beer and not turned off the tap! Double. On the run there was an incident of chariot riding by Snake, which was doubled for his confusing Poumuli with a left when he meant right. Pirate Princess had taken off before the run with the stroller, and not answering the phone. All agreed that Captain Mortein should take the Jealousy Award for this one.

The Good Samaritan Award went to a hasher who said he was off to work, but instead helped drive Manu Samoa to the airport – Crash. Tallyho was nominated for his erudite scribing, however he insisted that he was on a low beer diet because of antibiotics. Medical opinions were sought, and the consensus was that if he didn’t have a vagina then beer would not interfere with his prescriptions. After much grumbling, wailing and gnashing of teeth he took a double.
Opening up for nominations, POD had invited the inlaws over for a BBQ, lots of people came, and Lewinsky finished the keg at 1 AM. She found him in bed with an orange on his head insisting that he could consume it through osmosis. Arthropod Biology Award to Lewinsky.

Slim Shady nominated Wahoo and Poumuli for leaving her to care for their dog Murdoch, while POD had been on the Savaii ferry with Hot Nuts who was playing a game of shapes and couldn’t get anything to fit. Unable To Groove Award.
Poumuli had attended the Suva Hash and was regaled with complimentary stories about BB, but was also asked about that eurotrash budgie smuggler wearing former film star. The Failing To Make A Good Impression Award went to Zsa Zsa.
The GM noted that the theme was pink, but also that one hasher had taken the theme too far. Slippery got the Wearing Wife’s Clothes Award. Pirate Princess got a cellphonus interruptus award. She got the Captain back for his inability to tell his heroic rescue story in less than two weeks.

Slim Shady, who got the chicken hat two weeks ago, decided that it was a mark of bravery and that Ninja should get it! We also cheered for Crime’s birthday. Michael was nominated for going to the Rugby also sans wife – that should be known as the Lewinsky Sneaky Award.

Slim Shady spotted Horny Ho smoking in the circle and got her a Nicotine Award, while our two PC ladies Lily and Rachel were nominated for 2 years in a row running with the US team instead of Hash. Swinger got implicated for lack of communication, or mismanagement as its called. Lewinsky nominated Snake for the Malpractice Award for doing some electrical work that didn’t work, but it backfired.

On the theme of the run, Slim Shady nominated Swinger for the Shrek Award, wearing two flowers and bending both ways – well his name, duh! Pirate Princess was caught leaning, and then Lily nominated Rachel for singing like a Kiwi. We needed to hear this – so she sang, in a broken cockney-ish lilt. Probably a Tasmanian accent.
The Hosts and the Hare were saluted and dedicated the run to Baby Luana. We then had cake, pigs, lots of food and a never ending keg.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1586 - Slippery @ To'omatagi

2011-09-08T09:16:00.002-11:00

Morning All,
Next weeks run is being hosted by Slippery at his home in Toomatagi (next to NUS). The host has kindly offered to provide a spread for the night and as usual, there will be a keg, softies and Godfathers sweet nuts.

There is no theme yet for the run, but check back later on this week in case we decide to have a theme.

Run starts at 1730Hrs so be on time and bring your hash cash :)

On On

Hash Trash 1584

2011-09-03T19:06:00.002-11:00

Greetings Hashers from Singapore where I am enjoying a few moments of credit card peace! Tallyho has drafted his usually erudite, rude and browbeating Trash. Enjoy.
On On
Poumuli

AWOL: Absent without leave; not present when required; skiving when duty calls; afraid of a bit or rain; so where was the usual jostling throng of hashmen and meres all eager to join the weekly AHHH run and imbibing; what a complete bunch of fair-weather wussers you all are. There were no apologies, no lame excuses, no reports of having better offers for the evening, but what could there be that would be better than the hash on a Monday night – yes I know what you are thinking but there’s plenty of time for that after. Your stand-in scribe is ashamed of the lot of you.
But enough about those who failed to show; what about the small but hardy bunch of real hashmen and meres who were there, who braved the lowering clouds and gusting winds, who stood shoulder-to-shoulder blocking the pavement outside HQ1, annoying the regular imbibers who sit on the pavement-tables perving the meres wandering past.
The GM seemed very disappointed at the low turn-out and then he must have realised there would be staka fluid-of-sustenance after so he perked up a bit; the pack of about a dozen or so was called to order and Godfather led the way past the AHC on a guided-hare (as oppose to live-hare) run. A left by JICA found the pack face-to-face with a locked gate, so back to Beach Road and down through the Methodist Bookshop and then past Sunshine Restaurant, hang a few rights and lefts and eventually past Lucky’s down to the Tokelau Office to check on AC/DC but no sign of him. Another hang-left, which in the old days would have taken the pack through some of the shiggier bits of Sogi blocked-off, so back to the road, down the flea market and on home.
Not having to keep a watchful eye for the trail this week gave your scribe some time to let his thoughts do the wandering up false trails. It occurred to your scribe that there had been a lot of “letters to the editor” in the Observer about sodomy and adultery, and effectively this week the pack had been turned back as we tried to enter two back-passages that were blocked off. An omen indeed. I would therefore like to suggest that those who wrote those letters to the paper, and who are so against sodomy and adultery, should be invited to join the hash. After all, in-so-far as there are any rules on hash, Rule 1 says: No Poofters on hash; and Rule 2 says to refer to Rule 1, but if one goes to the original Hash Commandments (handed down on the back of a table-napkin –the original hashmen were gentlemen and the tradition continues - all those years ago in Kuala Lumpur), it also states quite clearly that “A Hashman shalt not covet a fellow hashman’s mere”. Now, of course, the hash is also all for good (if usually chaotic) governance, gender equality (especially in DDs), very open to democratic principles, (we elect our mismanagement every year even if it’s not exactly a secret ballot); we have no prejudices about people with strange habits (we shall always welcome Steakman back); we take exercise in healthy ways, we consume a very healthful and performance enhancing beverage, at least I am sure that was what Vailima told us in their advertising in the past; we all like apple pie and love our mums. The hash must therefore be the perfect place for all those grumpy old farts who appeared to be writing themselves into an almost orgasmic frenzy against sodomy and adulterers. They should feel perfectly at home with us. Perhaps we should write to the Observer offering them sanctuary. But of course the hash is also a place of inclusiveness and forgiveness and therefore the hash is happy to welcome all cummers including faafaafines and adulterers (just as well) as long as they are not rooting another hashman or another hashman’s mere or both, well at least not while they’re on the run.
By the time the pack returned a few of the usual late-cummers and out-of-the-woodwork-crawlers had arrived trying to pretend that they had been working or been on-the-job late in the office, so the pack had increased to about two dozen or so with a few others sneaking in during the proceedings. With a full keg and a relatively small turnout this was always set to be a big night for DDs.
Up first were virgins Sean, Shane and Nicki from NZ doing the cooking at Aggies, so the guests were obviously having sandwiches tonight.
The bunch of failures and retreads included Home & Away and Sudso (returning for the first time in ten years and surprised to find Snake, Godfather and Tallyho still looking so sprightly); Laurie, an original “first-footer” for AHHH from 1980 and therefore held in great reverence but the assembled pack, Sassy-girl, Crash, and Seismic who tried to sneak-in late.
There were celebrity awards for Slim Shady and for POD & Lewinsky for coupling in the grandstand at Apia Park.
The day-in-history involved some references to atomic bombs and Russia, awarded to Sean who said he was from Poland which is geographically next to Russia although your Scribe doubts there’s much other affinity; Crash for looking like Michael Jackson – don’t ask me I only record this stuff; Godfather for paddling backwards (or something like that) and Tallyho for representing some grand achievement by a great and glorious Englishman from the past.
The dobs and awards then started to come so thick and fast that your Scribe could hardly keep up with recording names let alone reasons; so we started with Lewinsky for the venue and GM for persuading Lewinsky to provide the venue; then came Snake, Home&Away, Hookalua, SassyGirl, Shane, Yuki, Ben and SassyGirl (again).
The New Shoe inspector spotted the GM (specially bought for the perimeter run), Laurie (not surprising if he last ran in 1980), Sudso (first new shoes Home&Away had bought her since 2001) and Yuki.
Awards for service to the hash went to: Tallyho (Acting Scribe), Slippery (Hashflash), Crash (for bringing the mugs), and Crash and Delicious for conceiving a junior hashman in the making.
Hideo and Kyoto were awarded an award for not having yet received an award when just about everyone-else had had at least two awards during the evening. The Samurai would have been proud of them.
An unsuspecting Aussie couple on holiday who had been staring wide-eyed at the proceedings were dragged into the circle and told by the GM that the hash was an ancient Samoan secret society (or something like that) and that if they wanted to get out they had to do a DD. It seemed a small price for them to pay to be able to observe such a culturally (in)sensitive spectacle.
There then followed a quick Double DD for Tallyho and DD for Lewinsky, Shane, Snake, Hookalua, Laurie and the Hare n Host, Snake, Home & Away, Sudso, Godfather and Armstrong (a late-cumming, non-running virgin working for UNDP).
The GM then called a final award and hash naming for Laurie (Ground Zero) and mere-blong-him Diane (9/11).
By this time the keg was finally beginning to float and many of those who had been called to account appeared to be in a similar state!!
On on and toodle pip

Tallyho

Hash Run 1585 - Crash, Delicious & Baby Luana @ Lotopa

2011-08-31T10:31:00.003-11:00

Morning All,
Next weeks run is being kindly hosted by Crash, Delicious and Baby Luana to celebrate Baby's 1st Bday! The theme for next weeks run is PINK! so slap on your best pink outfits and come down for what is bound to be a great hash run...

There will be a keg/s as well as a spread provided by the hosts. The run will be at Karaoke and Eveready's place behind Adria's Cakes.

Run starts 1730HRS so be on time. See map below for directions

On On

Hash Run 1584 - HQ # 1 - Cocktails on the Rocks

2011-08-29T13:32:00.003-11:00

Afternoon All,

Since no one has offered to host today, the run will be set from HQ #1 - Cocktails on the Rocks. There will still be a keg there and the BBQ will be there, so bring something to throw on the BBQ...and don't all bring Sausages and apples :)

Run starts at 1730 HRS...will see if we can get a hare in time to set the run, if not, then it will be a live run...if you catch the hare, you can do with them what you wish!

Location: Beach Road, next to Italiano's Pizza Bar and V-Bar/Crabbers...

See you all there and bring a change of clothes in case the heavens decide to open up this afternoon

On On

Hash Trash 1583

2011-08-25T15:01:00.002-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Screamer and Marc out in Siusega. Captain Mortein and Hot Nuts set out to be live hares, and this announcement was reminiscent of passengers on the Titanic thinking what could possibly go wrong… Lots!

We set out well enough, after the Hares had been given a decent lead, out the back gate, down to the Tafaigata, then we started a series of turns. The Hares were being chased by Cockblocker, Aaron, Road Humper and Poumuli, and a few others, but their vorsprung and speed were such that they were quickly leaving the next lot way behind. Captain Mortein negotiated passage through a garden, but only for the first group. The rest were apparently turned away by an angry lady awakened from her pre-sa’a slumber, and was having none of this. That’s when the trouble started. Your Scribe decided to hang back a bit as we emerged from the garden, and saw someone running through, waved and followed the Hares. This apparently was not a Hasher, but a young local sent to bash the trespassers. Luckily the training was paying off and by the time the next turn was spotted, your Scribe again halted, this time for an incredulous 5 minutes. Where the blazes was the pack? Your Scribe then realized that he too was hopelessly lost, but having run the area before set off on a long trot to train a bit for the perimeter relay. Catching up with Ladyfinger and others on the back road leading to Screamers was a relief, but what a completely buggering Alsatians screw-up of gigantic proportions this was. Thankfully the chilled sweet nuts of Godfather were on display.

Hot Nuts also stepped in as GM as SOTB, albeit present, had some unfortunate social disease. He called on anyone new to Apia Hash and these were Speed Humper from the Honiara Hash, who was joined by her husband Aaron who works at SPREP for Poumuli. They were given a down-down which they started early – poor starting form. The rethreads were Slippery (tired), Curly (working), Greenie (working, hardly), Nutcracker (busy), Horny Ho (seawalling) and Poumuli (hashing in Majuro and Suva). Greenie managed to outlast the singing!

Celebrity Awards went to SOTB, Slim Shady, CB, Horny Ho and FBI for their joint photo in the Observer post the Manu game, with Captain Mortein deemed to be FBI’s closest living relative, and Poumuli for being in the Marshall Islands Journal.
On this day in history there were many: 1770 Captain Cook claims NSW for Britain (Speed Humper), 1888 1st adding machine patented in the US (obviously not working is it – Slim Shady), 1914 in WWI Japan declares war on Germany and promptly bomb Tsingtao and wipe out the brewery for years (Ninja and friend), and finally 1998 Clinton finally admits an “improper physical relationship” with that woman (Lewinsky).

Having finished these awards, Lewinsky shuffled his feet and cleared his throat, and delivered a barrage of incendiary accusations about Norwegian perfidy – 1768 slave ship Fredensborg sinks off Norway (it was Danish!), 1940 Norway surrenders to Nazis (yes, but we held them off since 9 April, longer than most) and 1994 Norway votes against joining EU (I voted in favour, dammit!). A triple down-down was gleefully handed over by Cheshire cat SOTB.

The Shoe Inspector, Snake, was called forth but found no new shoes. Then someone remembered that SOTB’s friend had worn new shoes, hence he should take the award. He quickly turned to the Manu Samoa game, and related how a Hasher had asked him for the Gold Tickets, which he then arranged, only to see said Hasher, your Scribe, sitting on the grass instead. The rebuttal that the seats were god-awful, that you couldn’t get to the bar, and that SOTB should take it instead for touting faulty merchandise fell on deaf ears, so Poumuli again had a Dumbarse Award.

Screamer had gone to assist some Hashers who could not get through the back gate and couldn’t unlock it herself, then found that Snake and Crime had taken the gate off the hinges, as a remedial measure. This should have been a Living Up To Hash Name Award, but our GM was still confused as to where the pack was.

POD nominated Ben for the Human Rickshaw Award for having done the entire run with his offspring on his shoulders. Hornithologist noted that one of the newbies seemed in particular need of down-down training and nominated Aaron. And he still needs training. Slippery had received an email about someone receiving a bravery award, namely AC/DC, which was promptly handed to closest living relative Ladyfinger. Yes, we were all baffled by that one.

SOTB, in his usual ungrateful corner, called out Poumuli for getting some sample Apia Hash caps made – more on this below.
Lewinsky nominated Horny Ho for saying she would bring the BBQ and didn’t, and Hooker Lua for bringing the BBQ without being asked – a Dyslexia Award perhaps? The GM then noted that this would be Steakmans last run for a while and thanked him for setting an entirely new standard for misbehaviour at Hash. The largest glass was found. Captain Mortein was spotted on the cellphone, while Slim Shady brought Swinger up for Correct Samoan Pronunciation Award.

SOTB stepped in as Monk and called for Marc, famous explorer of regions far and nether, who always puts a smile on a certain Hash Mere’s face, who shall henceforth be known as Captain Stabbin’.

Swinger called for a down-down to the other Captain who had forced the Hash to run through sa’a. A new chicken hat had been procured, and as this is an angry chicken Poumuli decided to award it to the loudest squawker in the Hash namely Slim Shady – she had to interrupt her chat to take the award!

The Hosts Screamer, Captain Stabbin’ and chef Darren were thanked in the usual manner.

The GM called for sponsors for the 1st perimeter team, and this will be On The Rocks. Screamer will be Assistant Trainee Scribe for next week’s run. Watch the blog for venue.

In terms of the Apia Hash caps, they come in 4 colours (black, green, brown/grey and camouflage) and 3 sizes (small to medium, medium to large and large to xl). If we get enough orders they will be around 25 tala, with your name on the back. Orders to the GM who will pass to Poumuli. So far we have 23 and should try and reach 60 to get the discounts.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1582

2011-08-22T16:03:00.000-11:00

Hash Father’s Day Run

It was a glorious sunny Monday for Father’s day Hash, hosted by Steakman (aka Dirty Old Fart). There were rounds of scrabble, drinks a plenty, and good vibes all round.
The run was set by Steakman (D.O.F.) with toilet paper which he generously recycled after the run. This made some Hasher’s uneasy about using the loo but it was recommended to not use the loo paper that already has shit on it. Minds were eased…
The Hash circle was about to begin when drama on the high seas occurred. Uki, frind of Ninja, was using a paopao for the first time and capsized. CB was encouraged by the entire audience (Hasher know when a good show is about to happen) to grab his paopao and save Uki’s butt. Begrudgingly he did so and hence the title “CB to the Rescue” was chosen for this part of the evening’s entertainment. Needless to say both Uki and CB made it back to shore where no one was given moth-to-mouth much to Steakman’s disappointment!
Newbies: Uki was initiated into the group with a downdown and reminded that he should stick to fa’apapa rather than fa’apaopao. Sondra, Ben’s wife was also introduced to the group and happily chugged her downdown.
Retreads: Ladyfinger and his lady, and Nija and Co all returned to the fold.
Hero Award: Godfather was given the hero award for bringing ice to Tafatafa to guarantee cold beverages! Bravo!
CB to the Rescue Award: CB was given a downdown for saving Uki when we all agreed it would have been more entertaining to watch him float off to Tonga.
Beer Queen Award: was given to Titty G. for bringing extra beers to keep the Hash crew hydrated.
Beach Bum Award: was given to Hookalua and Lorry for saving the fale in order for Hash to have some where to rest its feet.
Beefcake Award: was given to Slimshady for MC-ing Mr. Samoa Bodybuilding Contest.
Springbok Beating Award: Damon and Mark downdowned for Aussie’s triumph over SA deer.
Foul Hooker Award: was given to Lorry for a) ditching the GM’s butt and then going fishing without him only to catch a scrappy ass little fish.

Flex-a-Pec Award: Slim shady awarded Captain Mortein this award for flexing his pecs at her in hopes of being compared to the Mr. Samoa contestants. Good effort but no gold.
Beer Biyatch Award: CB awarded the GM this award for drinking a case of HASH beer “on purpose”.
Leaning Tower of Dirty Old Fart Award: was given to steakman for leaning on the Hash tent.
WTF??? AWARD: Godfather gave this award to Steakman for rambling on in an incoherent fashion.
Too Smart for His Own Good Award: was given to Ladyfingers for wining the Cancer Society Trivia Night (Slim was given a downdown for self-promotion).
Shut the F Up! Award: Was given to Steakman in hopes that he would be too drunk to ramble incessantly any more.
It wasn’t Me Award: false accusation given by GM for latent retread. GM drank begrudgingly (very unusual).
Show ME The Beans Award: was given to Slimshady from Eveready for not bringing her bean salad, scribe pen, and ass to Hash last week.
Hard Ass Award: Given to Susan for what else? Having a hard ass upon which she fell while running.
Pain in the Butt Award: Was given to GM for being a pain from entire Hash Circle.
Prick Award: Oddly, not given to GM this week but handed over to Steakman who is officially Hash’s biggest prick to date.
Are We there yet? Award: Given to Spanky from Slimshady because after noticing they were an hour late wondered “if they would get to Hash late”. Physics still works the same at Tafatafa.
Sleeping Beauty Award: Given to Ninja, Uki, and Koabayahis for falling asleep at Hash Circle.
Runners offered their names for the Perimeter run and Do Me Twice said to contact her for those who wish to offer support.
And a good Hash was had by all.
Slim Shady

Hash Run 1583 - Screamer and Mark @ Screamer's house, Siusega

2011-08-19T10:54:00.002-11:00

Morning All,
Next weeks run will be hosted by Screamer and Mark..Mark kindly offered after a few too many beers at hash last week :) much like the GM saying he will run the relay..lol

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food for the run and there will be a keg, softies and God Fathers sweet nuts on Monday. Seeing as there is also a pool there, if you fancy a dip, bring a change of clothes too.

Screamers house is up in Siusega, and i believe its Mark's last run before he heads off again??? Map is below for directions.
Run starts 1730Hrs
On On

Fathers Day Hash Run- Tafatafa Beach with Steakman

2011-08-12T08:29:00.003-11:00

Morning All,
Fathers day run next week is being hosted by Steakman down at Tafatafa Beach. As monday is a public holiday, the run will start at 2pm and not the normal 5:30pm. If you could be down there around lunch time...we can all settle in as steak man tells me he has a few extra fun things planned.

For those that want to go earlier...or spend the weekend down there..we will be at the beach fales on the right hand side where we had our last run at Tafatafa.

Steakman is putting on a small pig as well as an Umu and some other goodies...please feel free to also bring something else to contribute to this. There will also be beers on Monday..As its a lot of work to cart a Keg down, and it has to go a few days earlier, hash will supply 4 cases of Vailima instead...and everyone else can bring a little something extra if you feel the urge to party hard on Monday.

Map below for Directions. (Head down to the south coast, take a left when you get to the bottom of the cross island road, Look out for the turn off to Tafatafa, its next to a Mormon Church and the sign on the road reads "Brenda's Beach Fale's"

On On

Hash Run 1581 - CB & DMT

2011-08-08T09:11:00.003-11:00

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be a BYO Run at CB's place in Vaoala, opposite the Chinese Embassy. CB is providing the venue but we will all need to bring something for the BBQ. There will be a keg and softies...

There is no theme for tonight, so just bring your running/drinking shoes with you.

Directions: Head up the cross island road and go past Manumea Hotel...take the turn off on the left hand side after the hotel that heads up to Vaiala Beach School...the house is opposite the Chinese Embassy

See map for more details...

OnOn

Hash Trash 1580

2011-08-03T11:27:00.000-11:00

The hash was hosted by Hooker Lure and Lenora at the heights of Vaoala, opposite the Shrine. The run had been set by Ring Ring and Buzzer, so we were apprehensively eying her sweatiness when she returned. Didn’t seem too out of breath, so we calmly set off out the gate and around the familiar path by the fence. Except this time we didn’t go straight to the road, so Dave and Poumuli had to make an urgent retreat as the rest of the pack caught up, and Ring Ring berated the idiots who weren’t following her trail. Through the plantation we finally hit the road, followed by some road running, until we again cut through the jungle, across a volley ball game, replete with treacherous holes and toe-stubbing rocks. Upon hitting the next road (Lamosa?) there was a devious false trail, which several Hashers got taken in by. Instead we headed to the Cross-Island Road for a leisurely slog down the hill. There was a moment of surprise as Lewinsky exhibited some competitive spirit by sprinting – well, the Lewinsky version of sprinting, and passing your Scribe at the gate. This was kept in abeyance, as you will see that he got plenty of awards this Hash. A good run, lots of jungle and a nice finish, with innovative use of people’s plantations and properties to keep us on our toes.

SOTB didn’t run, but he was able to stand upright against the mild breeze that was buffeting him. Calling the circle to order, the GM didn’t see any new to Apia Hash, and went straight for the rethreads – Slim Shady (chasing cattle in Oz), Slippery (in Oz for treatments, diving in Vanuatu), and Josh (got sick). All got a down down.
The Shoe Inspector Lewinsky had caught Slim Shady wearing shiny new apparel, which she tried to hide. Complaining that she might have stepped in cow shit with them, she reluctantly took a small cup, yet finished it rather slowly. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli and Hooker Lure for being in the paper. Others were identified but the GM was too slow in calling forth closest living relatives.

On this day in history, slavery was abolished in the British Empire in 1834, but it took them exactly 6 years to actually fully implement it. For this Blatant Inefficiency Award we needed a token Pom, which fell on Swinger. It is also International Friendship Day, and the GM reckoned that Steakman had the fewest friends, so doubled his award. Roman General Mark Antony died this day in 30 BC, so SOTB took one for his namesake. Lastly, in 1998 Monica was granted immunity in return for Grand Jury testimony, so Lewinsky got the Gift That Keeps On Giving Award.
The GM had a special double award for Captain Mortein, first for child abandonment, secondly for being ridiculously attractive to a male cat that drooled on him. Male Pussy Award. As it was the last run for a while for Lenora and Josh, these were called back for a celebratory award – will miss you and please come back.

Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky was quick off the mark with an award for Snake, whom he had spotted by the side of the road in his van with the kids. When asked what he was waiting for, his response was that they were going swimming but he had forgot Fang! Wife Abandonment Award.

Swinger tried to get Hornithologist for fracturing her foot on the beach, but after some debate this was boomeranged on Swinger as an Un-chivalrous Award. POD nominated Spanky for her stellar performance in a dance troupe, and we were treated to a demo of the slap dance prior to the award.
Steakman nominated Stargasm for hushing him on the trail when he was shouting On On, but the GM decreed that Steakman join for the manner in which he shouts On On. Lewinsky then picked up again on his Snake tale, adding the Insult to Injury Award, since Fang had to join her family via taxi.

Poumuli nominated Slim Shady for the Genius Award for winning the quiz night at the Yacht Club. Lewinsky tried to get Poumuli for abandoning Wahoo to watch the rugby at HQ1, but upon clarification that this was not true, she then demanded that the award be given to both Lewinsky and her husband. This was noted for my Christmas List.
The GM noticed that Captain Mortein was shuffling a bit and asked him if he had something on his mind, to which he enquired whether he could nominate the GM for being a prick. The GM accepted graciously, as we don’t call him SOTB for nothing.

Steakman fulminated that the run had been set at short notice, and that this was unfair to Ring Ring. She defended herself by saying the GM had called her late, and she was busy doing something, to which Snake opined that this something was probably Charlie, so in the circle both of them took their award.

Screamer nominated Captain Marc for a Birthday Award (on the 4th). Poumuli nominated Wahoo for being jealous of their dog Murdoch’s success at being a chick magnet. Swinger nominated all the Yanks for not paying their debts – Orgy Georgie, Eveready, Dave, Josh and Spanky took the Debt Ceiling Award.

Eveready then nominated Poumuli for the flags hanging outside Manumea. In his right of reply, Poumuli noted that Eveready had not got the nationalities of the flags right and that they were not a new addition, having been there since the wedding and the scene of the infamous flaming nipple incident. Poumuli got the Norwegian Invasives Award while Eveready joined for the Flaming Nipples Award, amid threats that this might become his new Hash Name.

Curly had been to HQ1 after Hash 1579, had gotten plastered and had to be driven away by Tooth Fairy. He was in such bad shape that he was left in the car, only the next day Tooth Fairy found his car with the doors open, stereo and AC on and no Curly. While this is clearly Hashman like behaviour, it was also eligible for a Cruelty to Tooth Fairies Award for Curly.

Lewinsky has been abused for some time by Eveready for having a girly truck, but when Eveready got a flat tire on his monster vehicle it took him 3 hours to fix and required the help of Crash Bandicoot. Poumuli had brought some Hashshit that had been left behind by Spanky, who quickly retrieved the bag before anyone could see what was in it. Hornithologist informed that part of the bag was from Digicel as Spanky had admitted to washing her cellphone. While not disputing that he should also partake, Poumuli argued that anyone working for a phone company should join for not offering washing machine proof phones. After much ado, Spanky, Poumuli, SOTB and Lewinsky took the award.

Eveready, appreciating that Slim Shady had offered Karaoke her jacket to keep off the chills, but concerned at her statement that the jacket made her boobs bigger, demanded a demonstration, to which Steakman hungrily agreed to be the adjudicator. While the truth of the statement could not be ascertained in the dark by your Scribe, Steakman’s triumphant dancing was enough to seal the award for Slim Shady.
Curly was given a Leavers Award, joined by Captain Mortein trying to induce cellphonus interruptus for the GM, and several who had avoided awards that evening. The Hosts and the Hare were then saluted – Hooker Lure, Lawrie, Tiffany, Lenora and Ring Ring.

A couple of late awards went to Dave, for leaving on a court date, and Eveready for loudly maintaining that Lewinsky drove a woman’s truck.

Your Scribe will be absent for two runs, and we entrusted Slim Shady with Assistant Trainee Scribe duties once more.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1579

2011-07-29T12:39:00.001-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Snake, Fang, Venom and Snakebite at the Snakepit #2 in Vaitele. The run had been set by Ring Ring which is always interesting. Out the gate, Hot Nuts and Poumuli led the way up the hill, which turned out to be the right way this time. Several checks had been placed and there was a great deal of back and forth that let the pack stick together for most of the time. While the run was strictly a road affair, there were numerous potential off-track routes that needed to be explored, for which CB was a useful tester. After much circuitous ambling about the backs of Vaitele, we came to a large cross roads, where unfortunately Ring Ring had set two false trails perilously conjoined. Hence a group spearheaded by Kamikaze simply ended up on the way home, while the rest, foolishly following CB had a much harsher end of run. But it was a nice day, not too hot and Godfather’s sweet nuts were beckoning.

SOTB was miraculously capable of standing up, so he called the Hash to order in a proper GM fashion. New to Apia Hash was Tiffany, Shelly’s daughter, who to Steakman’s distress was happily married. The Rethreads were Poumuli, Wahoo, Do Me Twice, Marc and Dave. Lewinsky immediately spotted the blaring new shoes on Wahoo, who un-reluctantly used them as a vessel. Need to stop buying her new boots!

On this day in history, in 864 King Charles the Bald of France ordered particular defensive measures against the marauding Vikings. Pirate Princes had obviously not taken such measures and took the award. It was also the day in 1579 when Sir Francis Drake landed in California and claimed the whole lot for Blighty, so a lone Yank had to be found in the shape of Fang. It was also the Feast Day of St James the Great, which Godfather obliged on behalf of Swinger.

Celebrity Awards went to Shelly (ad in paper), Ninja, Poumuli, Hot Nuts, CB, Zsa Zsa (by Chillindrina) for several photos in the Observer regarding the sustainable development meeting at Tanoa, and to Godfather for apparently being the focus of a Close to Home cartoon featuring short-short speedos.

A special celebrity award was given to Lewinsky for a) hosting a regional big-wig at On the Rocks, b) normally his guests are taken away by the cops, not brought there by the cops, and c) for the first time in history he turned the music down before the curfew!

The GM had noticed that one of the Hash Meres was acting a bit like a jolly happy bunny rabbit, and questioned Screamer as to why this was. A simple no comment sufficed. The GM had also arrived early, and finding a fellow Hasher who is normally accompanied by his wife, was informed that Eveready was here single so he could check out the women. But unfortunately Karaoke arrived after all. A special present in the form of a booby can cover was presented, which Eveready kept wearing under his shirt!

Captain Marc back from his va’a voyaging was welcomed back by the GM, and to celebrate had a down down with Captain Mortein – captains united indeed! Dumass introduced the Latecummers Tony, Diana and Mark who will be representing Samoa at the SPG in Noumea. The Keeper of the Hash Mugs was then questioned about their non-appearance, to which Lewinsky claimed to have been attacked by hooligans and robbed on the way to Hash. This was up there with my homework ate my dog.
Opening up for nominations, Princess of Darkness nominated Kamikaze for his imminent departure and for being the first Hasher to bring a suitcase to Hash. This dedication to Hash was deemed needing a large one, as Kamikaze was on his way to airport straight from Hash. Wouldn’t want to sit next to him on the plane! Hot Nuts joined him for a Sparking Confusion Award for trying to explain why the suitcase.
Sassygirl BJ nominated Steakman for the Early Bird Award for getting to Hash before everyone and then parking himself next to the keg – before the run! DMT nominated CB for his attempted airport pick-up in which he managed to break off his carkey in the petrol lock. Interrupting this flow, the GM nominated Horny Ho for the Pimping Award, for trying to set up a lady with a married man.

The Mad Hash Monk appeared out of nowhere, and called for a naughty Hash Mere, who was a bit of a hooker (in touch rugby, mind you) and an avid fisherwoman who plays with hooks and lures. From henceforth Shelly shall be known as HookerLua.(I noted that the GM has a different spelling for her - needs to be sorted)

Proboner was a latecummer again, and Captain Marc, in the French equivalent of an FBI speech, asked the Hash to send some good thoughts to the va’a crew – which the GM decided that Marc could do for us. The GM also called forth soon to be leaving Snake Family, with Snake taking a double for not checking that his offspring was capless during the award.

Poumuli presented some gifts he had picked up on his travels. Since Tiger Woody is less frequent, and Monica is blown even less frequently, he presented Lewinsky with an alternative On-On instrument, a whistle tastefully shaped like an organ. Lewinsky had POD blow it, but even she was complaining she couldn’t get her lips around it – oh dear. The GM who is known to undergo quite some stress, was given a special stress reliever squeeze to in the shape of a booby.

The Hare and the Hosts were then saluted in the traditional manner. There was also some discussion about the Father’s Day Run, which if it does turn out to be a public holiday will be organized at Tafatafa by Steakman.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1580 - Huka Lua & Lenora @ Vaoala

2011-07-29T09:45:00.002-11:00

Morning All,
Apologies for the late posting. There's been a change of host's for next weeks run. It was originally supposed to be with Mike & Renee at Y-Not Bar, but now, it will be hosted by Huka Lua & Lenora up at Huka Lua's (Shelly's) Home in Vaoala.

Head up the Cross Island Rd and turn off where you see the sign for Le Spa Le Lalelei just before the entrance to the Shrine of 3 Hearts. Head right down to the end of the driveway.

There will be a keg as usual and the hosts will be providing the food. Make sure to bring a change of clothes as it gets a bit chilly up there in the evenings.

See Map below for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1578

2011-07-25T08:50:00.002-11:00

Greetings all - another fine literary piece from Tallyho.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Know Your Fellow Hashmen and Meres
FRB - Front Running Bastards (eg,CB, Hotnuts, Seismic, Zsa Zsa, Pussysnatcher, and other such nose-in-air hashmen )
FWB - Front Walking Bastards, usually only found at the start of the run as the pack shambles off in search of paper, often gossiping hashmeres and tamaititis who only run 50 yards before getting puffed
MRB - Middle Running Bastards, solid hashmen all including Godfather, Swinger, Poumouli, Tallyho, Lewinsky, and hashmere Ring Ring as well as SOTB, Steakman, Kiwi and Crime (when they’re not SCBs)
BRB - Back Running Bastards, the Whippers-in of the BWBs, (Snake is usually the hashman here), and other mature hashman such as Orgy, EverReady, hashmeres SassyGirl and Karaoke on a good day)
BWB - Back Walking Bastards most of the hashmeres and the really old and decrepit hashmen
SCB - Short Cutting Bastards, e.g. Kiwi, Crime, Snake, when he isn’t a BRB, and Steakman when he can find another SCB who knows the trail
NRB - Non Running Bastards, aka Late Cumming Bastards usually found already lurking by the keg when the FRBs get back from the run, e.g. Crash & AC/DC.'

How long is a piece of string? How short is a short-bread biscuit? These are a just couple of the questions that have exercised the minds of the great philosophers for centuries. So here we were on Monday posed with a similar philosophical challenge by the hare SOTB; “when the FRBs get half way round the trail they should stop and call a hash-halt to let the BWBs catch-up”. So there we had a conundrum to exercise the collective minds of the assembled pack, well collectively the pack would be hard-pressed to make one single mind between them, as it shuffled, as ever, down the garden path into the unknown. So there was the question: the pack knew the start point for the run, and it knew the end point for the run, but the bit in the middle was hidden as if by Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility. So how would the FRBs know when the half-way point of the had been reached; the philosophers of old might have argued that since we knew the start point and we knew the end point and they were at the same place then the half-way point must also be at this point of singularity.

Therefore the hash-halt should happen at the moment we started the run, and if this was half-way then we simply needed to turn round and we were back at the keg of the fluid of sustenance without actually going anywhere. But since the keg was still warm this was not really an option for the true hashman and the pack headed-off in search of paper. Several smart-arse FRBs led by Tallyho headed to the main road and checked up and down before the cry of on-back was called and the pack staggered-off through the bush at the back of the petrol station. Clearly this area is not often visited by such a motley assortment of specimens; some dressed as pirates and some dressed as vagrants – well Steakman was just dressed as himself. The dogs were in a frenzy, the tamaititi were wide-eyed in fear, running away with cries of “palagi palagi” no doubt remembering the age-old threat that if they misbehaved the palagi would come and take them away and sell them into slavery in Peru, and the local-lads actually stopped playing touch and volleyball in amazement at seeing the hash pack appearing from the bush. So it was finally out into Vaiusu Road and left up towards the sports complex. Up Vaiusu Road, up the road some more and up the road even more until about half-way up the FRBs led by ZsaZsa with relatively new hashmen Mike and Ben took a right, followed by Hotnuts, Tallyho, Seismic, Kamikaze and hashmere Lenora. As ever the FFRBs were nose-in-the-air arse-in-gear running headlong into oblivion and would have been half-way to Vaitele if Hotnuts had not been keeping his beady little eyes open and spotted a cunningly hidden on-back “X” of paper behind a container.

So back down to Vaiusu Road and up ever more until the Talimatau Road was reached by the Sepp-Blatter-Vote soccer pitches. It was here that the philosophical question of whether this might be “half-way” was debated. Some said yes, others notably Hotnuts said no, and that in his opinion “SOTB was a responsible hare and would have marked the hash-halt properly”. This statement was met with general derision, and about as true as saying that Steakman could be a Tom Cruise lookalike; Swinger just kept checking looking for paper, but the majority really couldn’t care a stuff, they were just thankful for a breather after a very long climb up the road. And so on-down towards the Vailoa Road where even Hotnuts agreed a hash-halt should be called and the remnants of the pack gradually came together. By this time the pack was spread out from Vailoa Road to somewhere in Vaiusu and only about a dozen or so hashmen and meres reached this HH. Having been a road-run almost all the way so far, would the hare at least show some initiative and take the pack through the reserve to see the old hydropower station that was sadly missed last week too. No clearly not, it was straight down Vailoa Road. And was that paper from EverReady and Karaoke’s run from last week, who knows?? Somewhere down the road there was a deviation to the left but by this time the pack was heading for the by-now cold keg and the scent of the fluid of sustenance drove them on home.

Know Your Hash Trail
Regular clumps or strands of hash-paper; you’re on the trail, stick with it, you can’t go wrong if you are on-paper unless you cum across:-
Circle of paper; this is a hash check, check for the true trail in all directions, this will be signified by the reappearance of regular paper, or if you find a
X (Crossed paper); you are on a False trail, check back to last sighting of paper or last hash check and search for the true trail
HH; indicates a Hash Halt, stop and wait till the BRB’s and BWB’s have caught up, unless they make no effort to run, in which case leave the bastards behind. However breaking Hash Halt before the on-on command is a dobbable offence
HP; this is a Hash Pause, don’t wait for the BWBs to catch-up, just spot them in the distance get going again, leave the bastards to find their own way
Paper stops, same as X you’re on a falsie, check back and search for the true trail
Paper scattered all over the trail; some little tamaititi has destroyed a check or X, use initiative, or give up and return to keg
No paper; you’re lost; head for the setting sun or the keg of the fluid of sustenance, whichever is closer
On On

SOTB as the hare, clearly reckoned that he couldn’t handle the responsibility for the trail and the circle so Hotnuts was summarily called to be Guest GM for the evening. To start there were no new footprints/virgin runners but a gaggle of failures were called or pushed forward to explain themselves: Snake had been in NZ feeding the chooks, Snake Bite & Venom had been at school, Kamikaze had been in the land of the rising sun, and Ben and Mike had been in Oz… watching rugby?? Kamikaze had been away so long that he forgot to remove his hat and so got another DD to remind him next time he holidays in Samoa. Venom had new shoes, Sassy and SOTB got a media award for the family being on TV and Swinger nobly stepped forward to take the media award for Godfather, who had appeared on the radio, but had pulled a fetlock and gone lame on the run. Good job he’s no longer in the FRB racing-stable but more of a stud-stallion otherwise he would have been dispatched to the knackers yard.
For this day in history Captain Mortein, as usual, found himself being called forward as the nearest living relative to a Bolshevik for the execution of the Czar in 1918, and Ben as a Swiss Cheese was the nearest thing the hash had to a Frog for Bastille Day. Sassy celebrated Ted Kennedy’s crash at Chappaquiddick in 1969 by having a crash herself during the week, and Steakman got the Nelson Mandela birthday award for probably being the oldest hashman, well at least he looks like the oldest hashman. This week in history Monica started work at the Clinton White House and Lewinsky was proud to do a swallow for her, although he was standing and she, by all accounts, was probably kneeling when doing hers.

It was the International Day of Justice but since ProBoner was still AWOL at this point her closer living rellie stepped forward, who else but Lewinsky, and like his namesake always happy to do a swallow in the cause. In the same vein, so to speak, Orgy celebrated the mapping of the syphilis genome in 1998, thereby making the cure easier and making orgies less risky for all hashmen. Poumouli had advised your scribe not to forget that it was St Arsenesis’ Day, where he finds these saints days I have no idea, they must have very strange religions in darkest Norway, and how TG came to get the DD for this has been smudged on the scribes notes. For this day in AHHH history, 15 years ago Akira set the run (791) in Vaoala where the hash saw a wonderful sunset over Savaii from the top of the hill above Moamoa; Kamikaze as Akira’s nearest living rellie stood in for the DD; ten years ago the hash had a run (1062) at Afiamalu and made its one-and-so-far-only run to radio/tv masts the top of Mt Fiamoe; the veterans of that run were Karaoke, EverReady, Tallyho, Fang and Snake.

With the smell of fresh DD in the nostrils the pack was now baying for more dobs: Mike and Ben were first-up for being the FRBs failing to spot the paper, they claimed they were under instruction from ZsaZsa who had already buggered-off so Tallyho gave an exhibition of how FRBs should be looking-looking as well as running-running. Mike and POD were next-up, or rather sat-down on the ice, for the ignominy of being Australians to be gloated over for the loss to the Manu. Some perverted hashman was quick to study the relative rates of ice-melt from Mike and POD rear ends on the bags of ice; Mike’s arse was clearly hotter than POD’s, but I suppose only Lewinsky could comment on the latter so we’ll move on. Lenora was awarded a special for the being the FRBitch, as she began to flag in the swallow Hotnuts was quick to grab the mug to finish the DD. Crime got a good Samaritan award for leading the lame Godfather back to the stable and Snake and Steakman got the SCB-of-the-week award. SqueakyClean and Stargasm appeared in something called the Attway publication; your Scribe is not sure what this is but must have something to do with hasmeres. Hotnuts took a DD for being GM but not wearing a hash shirt, and Toothfairy, Tina and SOTB took their’s for the hosting and hares, and also for being “best-dressed” as pirates. At this point a fresh-looking ProBoner appeared and took a DD for being selected for the SPG Judo team, so she must be a good defence counsel in more ways than one. The keg was now beginning to float so the delicious food was most welcome, and most enjoyable so many thanks to the hosts for a great spread.

Toodle Pip and On On
Tallyho

Hash Run 1579 - Snake Family @ Snake Pit 2 in Vaitele

2011-07-21T09:43:00.002-11:00

Morning All,

Next weeks run will be hosted by the Snake Family at the Snake Pit 2 at Vaitele (Senese School). We've done a few runs from here so you should all know the directions to the place. There is no theme for Monday but check back later on in case there is a change.

As usual, there will be a keg and food on Monday, so bring your Hash Cash and running shoes....There is also word that the hash Monk will be there on Monday...provided there are no ash clouds that will slow down the monks long journey.

Map is posted below for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1577

2011-07-16T10:04:00.002-11:00

Ni hau from Shanghai. Below an excellent and amusing account from Tallyho.
On On Poumuli

If Cecil B De Mille had ever made a blockbuster movie about the Hash, a sort of Ben Hur without the chariots, I am sure the opening scene would have resembled Karaoke and EverReady’s garden on Monday evening. A motley throng of thousands of extras, ill-dressed in some sort of Maoist pink (more like poofter pink in CB’s case), milling about aimlessly as if waiting for a great leader to step forward, call them to order and to inspire them into some revolutionary action that would change the history of the world. And of course someone does step forward, not exactly Spartacus or Moses to lead the AHHH pack forward to glory, but AHHH has SOTB, our less-than-great-and-glorious GM: “Hashmen and meres”, he mumbled, “it’s set on paper, just wander down to the road and check it out from there”. And so the words that launched a thousand hash-feet on their way into the nether regions of Lotopa were not quite in the same league as King Henry before Agincourt or Churchill at the Battle of Britain, or even Peter Pan encouraging Wendy, Richard and Tinkerbell to fly, but it got the pack shuffling off down the driveway, more like Napoleon’s retreat from Moscow. Once on the Lotopa Road Tallyho checked left and everyone else turned right, guess who was right, not the one who went left. On down towards Lepea, past the beautiful and tidy Lepea Green and then left down over the bridge and into the dry bed of the Lepea stream. No wonder Lepea Green looks so neat and tidy, the villagers just throw all their rubbish into the stream-bed waiting for the rain to come and wash it away into Vaiusu Bay. What a mess; what about the Samoa Waste Management Policy, what about the Environment Policy; where are the guardians of the region’s environment those eco-warrior stalwarts of the South Pacific Recreation and Entertainment Programme, commonly known as SPREP?? At least one encouraging sign of enterprise was a couple of kids in the stream-bed sitting on a rock amongst all the rubbish with a small tray of cigarettes and lighters and what looked like bingo markers, soliciting for business from the hash-pack. Now if they had had an esky of cold beer they might have made a few sales. Anyway a kilometer of stumbling over dead nappies, dead dogs and empty eleni and corned beef cans brought the pack up onto a link road between Lotopa and Tulaele and out into Tulaele Road. Much to your scribe’s amazement SOTB was already there directing the pack across and into Vailoa Road, where even more amazingly Steakman was almost an FRB. I say “almost” because the real FRBs had done their usual arse-in-gear-nose-in-air caper and headed off into the dim distance with nary a call of “on-on” or checking of the false trails. By the time the Talimatau Road was reached the pack was spread out across every road in Lotopa, Tulaele, and Vailoa. Your scribe thinking that the hare might possibly have shown some initiative and taken the pack through the botanic reserve checked it out, but to no avail, it was left and left again and on home. As the pack neared home SCBs, BWBs and the generally lost could be seen returning to the fluid of substance from all points of compass as the sun set over Lotopa. Surely this run could not have been set by that upstanding hashman EverReady…. so who was really responsible …..

After allowing a suitable time for the pack to replace lost fluids the GM called the circle to order, and an impressive number of new footprints/hash virgins stepped or were thrust forward: Mike from HNL (brought by CB/Swinger); someone from WLG brought by Tickled/Seismic; Mike and Kane brought by Hotnuts and Nutcracker; Dori from AKL and Coney from US. If the scribe has misspelled your names it’s cos the lead in his pencil had gone soft and smudged his note book. Anyway welcome and hope you cum back again, especially you young (and not-so-young) meres.
Then we had a staka retreads and failures: Fang has been in Kiwiland being bitten by Snake; ZsaZsa had been trying to learn how to play in a band, Shelley, Dizzy, Lady Finger and Dry Nuts and a few others whose names also fell foul of the Scribe’s smudges.

After this we had few new boots too: SassyGirl. Molia, Lenora and Shelley, some expensive looking runners, and shiny white to... what sensible hashman ever buys new white shoes???

And then we could wait no longer to find out who was the hare….. step forward Crash…. Anyone surprised by this revelation…..???
Moving into the dobs the GM, much to everyone’s surprise (NOT) called up Captain Mortein and blamed him for the weekend’s riots, don’t ask me, I have no idea how the GM’s mind works, if indeed it does.

HornyHo was then dobbed for perving her (male) cousin’s nipples, or was it the male cousin perving HornyHo, or maybe it was female cousin…. Well you get the gist anyway
Screamer had another 24th (or was that 44th ) birthday and Lewinsky and ToothFairy were dobbed for wearing their wives’ pink T-shirts. Personally the Hash Scribe thought that Lewinsky was just a big-girls blouse anyway, his T-shirt would have been a tent on poor POD.

There followed a “kinky pornstar” dob from the GM to Godfather and TG, this seemed to take Godfather by surprise, although TG did look rather flushed….
Dumbarse was caught for dropping ginger hairs in everyone’s fluid of sustenance, and Hotnuts got dobbed by Mike, or was it the other way round. SassyGirl dobbed Mustang Sally and Seismic got one for not warning the hash before the earthquake on Sunday.
Captain Mortein was called forward by Spanky for allowing his daughter to wander round in knickers with holes, CaptainM blamed Pirate Princess who took the mug.
For this day in history Slippery took one for being the only Australian to celebrate the formation of federal Australia, EverReady was proud, sort of, to recognise the birth of the founder the Budweiser brewery, Captain Mortein celebrated (under much sufferance) being the nearest thing the hash has to a Swede to celebrate the anniversary of the Swedish navy’s victory over the Russian fleet in 1790, they hung-up their oars after that and became neutral so at least they went out on a win; Swinger stood up for King James III of Scotland who was born on this day in 1452 and Spanky, an inspired choice since her Dad was a doughnut vendor on some street corner in the states, took a big swallow for the inventor of the doughnut cutter in 1872. Yes the doughnut cutter it is a patented invention, who would believe it.
And finally on this day in history, ten years ago Wild Bill donated Monica to AHHH, unfortunately Kiwi and Monica were AWOL so this momentous event was celebrated by Lewinsky.

By this time the pack was getting into some serious dobbing, or score settling it seemed in some cases. But who could complain when the hash’s eco-warriors CB, Screamer, Pussysnatcher and Swinger were called forward in shame for failing to save the environment in the Lepea Stream.

Tallyho was dobbed for failing to spot any celebrities in the media, his defence that he didn’t work for SPREP and wasn’t able to spend all week reading the papers fell on stony ground; he was joined by Spanky, Snatch & Pussysnatcher who were all spotted in the foto of the 4 July party. Sassygirl was caught on Facebook admitting she had been unable to get herself up on Mt Vaea, and Hornyho had another dob for something to do with the GM’s nipples…. Don’t ask. Shelley was lauded as a welcome returner and she promised to cum again.

And finally (I think, at least that’s where the Scribe’s notes stop) EverReady and Karaoke stepped forward to loud acclamation from the assembled throng for a great evening as ever, including two kegs and delicious food, and a toast to absent friend and much missed hashmere Desirable, who was no doubt looking down with a smile from the great hash in the sky. For the rest of evening eating, drinking and music from AC/DC, Godfather and assorted other buskers and warblers held sway and another memorable Monday evening was had by AHHH.

On On - Tallyho

Hash Run 1578 - Tooth Fairy, SOTB & Tina - Vailoa

2011-07-13T13:46:00.002-11:00

Hello All,
Next weeks run is being hosted by Tooth Fairy, SOTB & Tina at Tooth Fairy's home in Vailoa. The hosts will be providing the food for the evening, so no need to bring anything. There will be a theme for the run, and it is "Pirates of the Caribbean" so don your coolest Pirate Gear and see you all there.

There will be a keg as usual and the run starts at 1730HRS. Please also make sure you bring your hash cash on Monday :)

See map for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1576

2011-07-08T22:54:00.002-11:00

God morgen Apia Hash from the mountains of Norway. Wahoo and I are enjoying our vacation and a good laugh at the Trash provided by Tallyho below. Enjoy

On On
Wahoo and Poumuli, IKA Slit

Our hare for tonight, Swinger, stood in his garden grinning like a Cheshire cat having just spent a month in Fiji attending various workshops, cocktail parties, creating large carbon footprints and ensuring that BB was being “taken care of”. No wonder he had solicited the assistance of various assistant hares for the evening, he must have been exhausted… After a short circle to tell the baying pack that it was out the gate turn right we were off. Hornithologist led way with another front-running mere and off they went right and right again towards Tafaigata. They quickly came to a halt as Hornithologist tried to decide whether the tangle of paper on the ground by the first EPC pole was a nest created by the Greater Spotted Hash Warbler or simply an “on-back”. As all good hashmen know “never follow a FRB hashmere” unless of course said hash mere is very nubile and wearing a pair of short-shorts. Thus following this sound advice Tallyho was already on his way on-paper up the Aleisa Road. CB, Hotnuts and various other assorted FRBs [that means Front Running Bastards – ed note] were soon way in front, noses in the air, arses in gear heading for Tanumapua. Fortunately some of the middle-running bastards were actually looking for paper and the true trail was down towards the Orator Hotel, left by the hotel gate and off the FRBs went again. Bugger-me these FRBs only go in straight lines and never see paper. It was Tallyho, a hashman with a good trail-sniffing nose, especially when his nose is leading the way into a bush, to find the trail off to the right. Under some dangerous head-high barbed wire, round a few corners and the pack was off towards Tafaigata on the back-road. Finally getting back onto the main road CB and the FRBs were off again not bothering to check any of the false trails down towards Vaitele. But some real hashmen and meres had to check them and Hotnuts, Lewinsky, Hornithologist were seen straggling back from the nether regions. For those who followed the paper, a long on home took the trail round the back of Swinger’s house and up then back from Siusega. A few misguided hashmen thought they could get in through Swinger’s back-passage but an encounter with Greenie’s pikininis, barbed wire fences, a white a stallion and a locked gate meant that these short-cutters ended up arriving back last.

In the absence of the GM and any other volunteers, Hotnuts was apparently elected as the guest GM for the evening. Much to everyone’s surprise there were no new footprints this week, but this was made-up for by a stack of retreads: Swinger had been servicing BB in Fiji; Hotrod had been somewhere; Very Busy had been very busy, as had been Nutcracker although it was not clear whether Nutcracker and Very Busy had been very busy together, and then there was CB who had been sailing somewhere.
AC/DC failed to finds any new shoes, but by general acclamation Screamer got a DD for her leather boots.

Swinger got the media award for something or other, and Orgy Georgy, Karaoke, Steakman and a few others got an SCB [short-cutting bastards, ed note] award for not following the trail round the back of Swinger’s estate.

For some reason many hash runs have recently had fancy dress themes, it’s a bit of a worry especially when some hash men seem to really like dressing-up, what’s wrong with wearing a regular hash shirt. Anyway DMT, Captain Mortein, Lewinsky, Very Busy, Hotrod and assorted others got dobbed for not dressing-up. On the other hand Screamer, Swinger, Wax, Hornithologist, and CB were all commended by the GM for looking like complete pillocks. Steakman also got a commendation but it’s so difficult to tell whether he is dressed-up or just dressed-normal, well normal for him anyway.

Being 4 July assorted Yankees were brought forth, including Orgy Georgy Senior and Junior and EverReady.
Screamer and Wax were dobbed by each other for something to do with watered down gin, that well known cause of mothers ruin, and both of these meres look pretty ruined already, watered down or not.

CB was dobbed for paddling backwards and going round in circles, AC/DC took the events in history for Samoa changing the dateline 110 years ago and now going back to the other side, captain Mortein is the only Dane to keep a slave in Pirate Princess after Denmark banned slavery on this day in 1848 and DMT was proud to take the Pamela Anderson and Gina Lolobridgida big boobs birthday award. In AHHH history Swinger stepped forward as Godfathers n-l-r to commemorate the thirteenth anniversary of AHHH 900th run on this day in 1998 held at Margeritas of blessed memory. Ring Ring thrust herself forward to commemorate setting the run exactly ten years ago when the hash was traumatized by the sight of Insecurity in a wrap-around tea-towel. It was a horrible sight then, just imagine how much worse it must be ten-years on, poor Ring Ring.

And almost finally it was farewell to Wax. With the 1600th coming up we need to practice our rendering of the hash anthem so this was a fitting occasion to start our practice. The rousing choruses of the Hash Anthem complete with actions wafted over Siusega,, but some of you bastards need to concentrate and shape-up. There’s not enough feeling being put into the actions. Anyway it’s on-on to Wax as she searches for her destiny in Kiwiland.

And so to the assorted hares; wax, Swinger and his mate Gretel with Wax. A good run, great kai and a fun evening as always.

On On
Tallyho

Hash Run 1577 - Karaoke, Eveready & Hot Rod - Theme: PINK!

2011-07-08T11:30:00.002-11:00

Hello All,

Next week's run is being hosted by Karaoke, Eveready & Hot Rod at their home in Lotopa. This is going to be a hamburger run...or so Ive been told...

The theme for the day is PINK, so bring out your best Pink g-strings, shirts, pants, whatever you like..outfits and get ready for a fun run. There will be a prize for the best Pink outfit...you'll find out on the day what the prize is!

Map is posted below for Directions, and make sure you pay your hash cash...only life members are exempt from paying :)

On On

Hash Run 1576 - Swingers House, Siusega

2011-07-01T09:20:00.003-11:00

Talofa All...

Next week's run is being hosted by Wax, Josh, Seve and Swinger in Siusega at Swinger's pad. The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food so bring yourself, your drinking boots and running shoes.
This run will also be Wax's farewell run as she will be heading to NZ...to take up farming? :p

The theme on Monday is "Brothers Grimm Merchanwald" (So in other words, dress up as your favorite fairly tale character)

There will be a keg on Monday too as well as softies and Godfathers "sweet nuts"...

Run starts 1730HRS and please bring your hash cash ($15 SAT)

See the map for directions
On On

Hash Trash 1575

2011-06-28T16:16:00.000-11:00

The Hash was hosted at the Millennia Hotel by AC/DC, Ray Charles and Lezzie, except the latter was a no-show. As per his usual, AC/DC had not actually set a trail, and instead directed us on a run around town, down to Magik Cinemas, past the school and on to the Samoatel HQ, then back along the seafront. So a decent length run, except it was rather dull. AC/DC’s claim that he was conscious of all the trash in town was greeted with derision, but we forgot to add it to his awards.

SOTB miraculously took up his duties as GM – this is becoming a winning streak! He called forth those new to Apia Hash, and these were Streaker, brought by his Dad Pussyindah, and Holes, brought by Godfather. The Rethreads were Slippery, Alfred, Tooth Fairy, Andrew, Pussyindah, Mad Mel (last time was the 1000th run), Steakman, Julia (also here for the 1000th run) and Redleg (was here in 94). Redleg forgot to remove his hat, so was duly rewarded with a double.

Shoe Inspector Lewinsky found no new shoes and took his Failure Award. Celebrity Awards went to Pussysnatcher, Snatch, Zsa Zsa and Sassygirl BJ – Captain Mortein was deemed again to be closest to Hungary, Do Me Twice for PS, and Lewinsky for Snatch due to Savaiian connections. Latecummers Chilindrina, Tiger Woody and Dumass were also dobbed in.

This Day In History was interesting as a new word has been added to the Urban Dictionary – aarping, or to aarp – defined as when an elderly person, such as a grandfather, complains incessantly about nothing. Karaoke went to Eveready’s defence that he never complains and never says no, but he got it anyway. 27 June 1954 was first recorded mass violence at a soccer match, both on and off the field. This was between Hungary and Brazil, so Chilindrina and Wax took that one in lieu. 28 June 1969 was the Stonewall riots that started up the gay rights movement – AC/DC.

Greenie was spotted sitting down during the circle! His lame defence was that he had seen a new lady and wanted to chat – in the circle! The GM continued by giving a Slavedrivers Award to Lewinsky and Crash Bandicoot – Flash Gordon was back for a funeral, and had been worked so hard by the two that he was too tired to come to Hash.

The GM had also received an email from Immigration regarding a new overstayer – Steakman got the Dawn Raid Award. The GM also had enjoyed a beer after last week’s run with the host, Seismic, but he had dropped full beers and left the tap open – Sacrilege Award to Seismic. On a similar topic, we were all marvelling at the absence of the Hash Mugs, and Crash had assured that they were at his house. Not! They were at Lewinsky’s, and since neither had brought them, both took the Gross Negligence Award.

Opening up for nominations, Redleg recalled that back in 94 the first run in Savaii had been set, and they had all stayed at Manase at the Stephenson’s then new place. So new in fact that they had been given a key to a room with no door. The Better Late than Never Award went down Lewinsky very slowly.

Poumuli asked the GM to control Greenie’s talking which he did using the implement of a large down down. Didn’t work for long though. Sassy commented on the fact that none had really followed the theme of Pacific Style for the run, but that Seismic and Tickled were well-turned out, yet didn’t even run. Ring Ring was given the Good Parenting Award for stopping Buzzer from having a beer – although not much consistency here, as we all know.

Poumuli had been sent some pictures of the wedding by Strangler, and luckily he checked them before posting. One of the photos, while censored, was fairly graphic. But asking the GM for advice on posting it was like talking to a brick wall. So the GM took the Inducement to Pornography Award. Sassy nominated Steakman for Unbecoming Behaviour for pinching her ass on the run. Horny Ho had some cellphonus interruptus. Pussyindah complained about the late posting of the venue on the blog. Poumuli admitted that he could have posted it at 8 AM, but forgot where it was going to be.

The Mad Hash Monk appeared, and called forth Alfred. Kneeling in front of her might she praised his agile handling of sausages, and henceforth he shall be known as Curly.

DMT was dobbed in for yapping and jabbering. Horny Ho got Lewinsky for Malicious Advice, in that she had brought the BBQ at his insistence, when clearly it was not needed. Sassy nominated Dumass, Titty Galore, DMT and Horny Ho for the successful paddling regatta over the weekend. Dumass responded that they were late for the race because there was no finishing line, which was the task set for Sassy and the GM. The GM ruled that no, this was Dumass’ duty, and moreover his jetski had died at an inappropriate time. Titty G nominated Godfather for wearing the skimpiest outfit to the regatta. Titty G had to join in for apparently putting Godfather off his stroke.

The Hosts were saluted, AC/DC and Ray Charles. Poumuli suggested that since the was no Hare, that those with no hair should be rewarded. However, Godfather offered to prove he had hair, which would have been too much for the Hash Meres, and a riot was narrowly averted.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Swinger in Siusega, as a farewell to Wax. It will have a fairy tale theme. Details will be on the blog.

Your Scribe and Wahoo will be away for three weeks so Tallyho has graciously accepted to be the Assistant Scribe for the duration. Please expect grotesquely cynical prose and unwarranted slurs, but assist him with names and by shutting up during the circle.

Thanks to Slippery for the photos from this week’s Hash, already posted.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1575- Millenia Hotel with ACDC, Ray Charles, Lezzie and crew

2011-06-27T13:21:00.002-11:00

Afternoon All,

Apologies for the late posting. Tonight's run will be hosted by ACDC, RC, Lezzie and others at the Tiafau Fale at Hotel Millenia. The hosts have kindly offered to cater and I hear there will be all kinds of neat treats and meals.

The theme for tonight is "Pacific Style" so don your best or worst Pacific wear and come for a run. There will also be 2 Kegs tonight, yes, TWO!!!, so bring your drinking boots with you too...

Run starts at 1730Hrs and bring a change of clothes and your hash cash ($15 SAT)

On On....map below...

Hash Trash 1574

2011-06-22T15:49:00.002-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Dave and Theresa at their home in Vailima. Dave was a newbie Hare and requested the assistance of your Scribe, who acted largely in a bag-carrying capacity. The difficulties in finding a trail made it necessary to have this as a run that would end, then backtrack back on home. Of course, the Hash was not told this. The pack set out, led jauntily by Tallyho, Hot Nuts and other fit people. A false trail down to Manumea was quickly discounted by Captain Mortein, and the false trail to Mt Vaea attracted a large following that needed to be called back (please all note – if the paper disappears you are going in the wrong direction). The nicely placed arrow by Ray’s Taxis had been disintegrated by a combination of wind and local pickaninnies, so the route was now blindingly obvious for a while. However, another sneaky false trail led into the plantations and this was taken by several, including Pussysnatcher and Hot Nuts. Further down towards the water reservoirs there was another false trail leading up into the water fall – again the paper ended, but PS did some serious mountaineering making us think he was already trying to escape! The trail then ended in a On Home sign, which was not greeted with universal joy by the Hashers.

Back at the house, Son of The Bitch took up his GM duties again, seemingly recovered from the weekend. He welcomed those new to Apia Hash, namely Nadine from NZ, brought by ProBoner, and Naoko from Japan, here until March, brought by Ninja. Since they knew the rules the GM decided to test their down-down skills. The only Rethread was Tallyho, who protested that his hashing in Tonga should be counted against his absence, resulting in the inevitable doubling of the award.

Lewinsky stepped in as Shoe Inspector, and while all had seen Captain Mortein’s glorious new shoes, the proof could not be located. Screamer’s shoes were given a once over, but she claimed that they had been tried and tested before, much like Screamer according to Tallyho. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (letter to the Editor), Godfather (large spread in paper, and closest relative to Alan so a double), Josh (for having same name as Josh – Rock the Boat ad with Bunga Bunga – missed relative for her), and Spanky for the headline PM meets Fugitive (Crime and ProBoner took that one).

This Day in History the US Congress approved the Great Seal (1782) and two hashers had pretended to be seals during Hash 1573 (not the Navy variety, just large, furry and in the water – I know this was in last week’s trash but still amusing) – SOTB and Lewinsky. It was also International Surfing Day so theirs was doubled. Zsa Zsa was absent for the Day of Independent Hungary, but since Denmark is fairly close (not really) to Hungary this went to Captain Mortein, with the inevitable grumblings.

The GM launched into his own awards, berating Hot Nuts, PS and Godfather for leaving their stuff behind at the beach. They missed Poumuli’s cooler, which has now been abdicated. On Sunday the GM had been challenged to a jousting contest by Poumuli, which he gracefully conceded to the surfing talents and obvious cheating of the GM who broke his jousting stick.

Normally some of our Hashers bring their kids, but during the wedding there was a serious lockdown in one family, quite unheard of as we noted little Ninja running around. Good Parenting Award to Ninja sr. who took it in Coke, so it was a long way going down.
One of the Hashers was having a beer with the GM on Sunday, and went away to relieve himself, but in a moment of confusion went to close to the waves and had his front drenched. Well that was Lewinsky’s story, but we all know he wet himself. Finally Poumuli’s t-shirt of Norwegian comedian Rolf Wesenlund portraying his character Marve Fleksnes was deemed to close to being a Gaddaffi-lookalike. Several culturally insensitive remarks came, like Norway doesn’t have any comedians, to the delighted chuckle of the Captain.

It was also the birthday of our host Dave, who apparently will be celebrating in Vienna? The GM then gave his final award to Orgy Georgie, who was no longer disappearing into bushes and was apparently behaving himself throughout – a Not Living Up to Name Award.

Opening for nominations from the floor, Sassygirl BJ recalled that we had all wanted the GM to speak on behalf of the Hash at the wedding, but he got himself so shitfaced Godfather had to do it. Well – true, but we all preferred Godfather’s sonorous tones to the usual slurring by the GM.

Poumuli nominated SOTB for a Spelling Bee Award, since the new webpage for the 1600th Hash has got heaps of spelling mistakes. For some reason Poumuli had to join this one. And the slacking bastard still hasn’t fixed it on the blog! Lewinsky nominated ProBoner for borrowing his truck and snapping of the key in the lock. Obviously practice for future jailbreaks.
Buzzer nominated PS for subjecting him to hard labour in carrying all these boxes. PS took it but corrected that it was indeed a Child Labour Award. Latecummers Snatch and PS sr were welcomed into the circle.

Buzzer also had a nomination for a Hasher who had been particularly annoying him on the run by constantly coming up behind him and shouting. This extremely dodgy, suspicious and likely illegal activity landed Hot Nuts the Running Behind Boys Award. Sassy gave SOTB a Geek Award for wasting his time developing a Hash Website app during work hours, to which SOTB gave the company motto Family First for his award.

Sassy, on a dangerous roll, gave Ring Ring the Good Parenting (NOT!) Award for boozing with her boys. While she claimed this was not true, she gave the last of her glass to Buzzer. We then had a Real Celebrity Award to visiting radio guru Clement.
By now Tallyho had his goat up and ranted about how the wedding hadn’t been postponed to take account of his travels. After much back and forth this one backfired, with mutterings of “justice will come to you” hanging in the air! We had cellphonus interruptus by Pirate Princess and Ida from Japan, whose wife thoughtfully hurled the last of the cup at Lewinsky. Well done, we need more of that.
Proboner wanted her friend Nadine for being a tease to the Samoan boys ever since arriving. Something about cockblocking and jealousy caused her to join the award.

And at that point the Hash Monk appeared (or rather the Transformer Hash Monk). She called forth OG’s lovely lady, who 18 months ago had disappeared in the bushes and was now carrying the results, and that she had also been stargazing at the time. Henceforth she shall be known as Stargasm.
Theresa was called forth, and her husband is a star fisher, who apparently can land large fish by tickling their belly or throat. Henceforth she shall be known as Tickled.
Dave was then called forth, our resident tectonic plate expert, who shall now be known as Seismic.

As we saluted the Hash Monk, she actually started the down down too early, so it was doubled, but most of us agreed she was doing it on purpose out of severe thirst.
Back to the wedding ProBoner accused POD and Lewinsky for not even getting jiggy on their one night away from the kids. Lewinsky called this a false accusation, as their fale had been leaning, although technically that was the side Lewinsky was sleeping on. Deciding factor went to Hot Nuts, who upon requesting a dance had been told by POD that she only has eyes for Lewinsky.

Snatch nominated two Hash Meres for the Barely Covered Hooters Award – Sassy and Screamer, and POD joined for various reasons.But photos show that she was also not covering other parts! We then had a revelation as Seismic spotted PS hosing down Stargasm as if in a wet t-shirt contest.
The Hosts and the Hares – Tickled, Seismic and Poumuli were saluted and then we chowed.

Next week’s hash will be hosted by AC/DC and sundry criminals. Watch the blog for details, but the theme will be Island Style.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1573

2011-06-17T11:18:00.001-11:00

The Hash was hosted by ProBoner, Lewinsky and Princess of Darkness at the extended compound in Taumeasina. The run had been set by Buzzer who warned of several obstacles on the route. It was on out the gate, false trail to the left quickly found by Poumuli, then off we went down along the coast past the fales and over a dead canoe. The trail then followed the rocks on the poorly constructed seawall, which was a bit tricky at times. Many nearly did a Slippery, as the foliage was covering the holes between the rocks. In some places the paper had been blown inland by the wind, but the trail was easily reacquired. As we neared the other side of the fake peninsula, it was clear that some swimming would cut the run by a lot – so Lewinsky and SOTB did their best seal impersonations – I mean the wallowing types, not the bin Laden fixers. Others followed, while the rest took the hard but dry route back. A good run for those who did the lot.

Back at the compound SOTB as GM called the circle together in a voice not hazed over as is often the case. He called forth those new to Hash. They were Brett and Micheline, brought by Lewinsky, and Taulili Ete who had been brought over from Savaii by someone called Bolu – Pussysnatcher’s first of many.

The Rethreads were Screamer, Orgy Georgie and his sons David Tui and Taulolo, Snake, Crash Bandicoot. The Shoe Inspector Snake had observed a shiny new set of boots on one of Orgy’s sons, but as he was underage, his brother gallantly drank it for him (you would NEVER see me do that for my brother!).

Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (someone had faked a letter to the Editor in his name) and SOTB (Sassygirl BJ in a full colour picture in the Observer). This Day In History we had the Queen’s Birthday and the Feast Day of St. Anthony of Padua. The GM decided that Cockblocker was our only Queen, so he joined him in the award.
The GM had been hearing stories about the Hen’s and Stag parties over the weekend. Starting with the Hens, a Hash Mere ended up in jail for abusing a cop. Spanky had nothing to say, and had to take her award using a penis-shaped straw – this took a loooong time. Afterwards Eveready exclaimed that he had never seen such a display and demanded a re-naming to Wanky. While Spanky was about to languish in jail she was rescued by three intrepid Hash Meres, Horny Ho, Slim Shady and legal beagle ProBoner, who all got the Jailbreakers Award, even though they were entirely responsible for getting her into that state in the first place!

Turning to the Stag, Godfather had stayed up all night, and had even done a strip for the boys to show off his budgie smuggler, after which he needed to fend off the ladies at the beach. (Methinks he went to the wrong party – should have gone to the Hens). Also during the Stag, PS had to carry out a number of Samoan tasks. One was the grating of coconuts, during which he also grated his hand. Then there was the killing of the pig – rather than the more traditional strangulation in Samoa or vein-opening elsewhere, PS deftly reversed the axe and smashed the porkers brains out – through its eye. Check out the photo page if in doubt!

Then there was a Hasher who was incoherently drunk and disorderly, constantly disappearing and sitting down with strange women. I have no idea what they were talking about!

Moving to nominations from the floor, Poumuli nominated Screamer for a Usury Award for having a Tongan bodyguard to housesit for her, and charging him rent. CB wanted to know in which “currency” was he paying her. Chilindrina got a name wrong, while Crash got a Rabbit Award for getting Delicious pregnant again.
Poumuli nominated Snake for the Dog Training Award, as anytime a beer was opened in the house, Murdoch became all agitated. After a vote it was agreed that Snake was an excellent Hash House Hound trainer. Snake managed to get Lewinsky a disrespect award for chatting excessively with his mate Brett. Slim Shady nominated Eveready and Karaoke for the fabulous cake for the Hen’s night (see the photos – its shaped like a willy). Eveready countered that in 20 years of cake making he had never made one that took so long to eat – apparently it was being licked! Questioned about the model for the cake, Snatch said he would not be standing like that.

ProBoner nominated Crash for advertising. Godfather cleared up the Speedo situation, as they had been bought for him only for swimming, and he was asked by Titty Galore to wear them on a dare. Titty G for the Stripper Enticement Award.

Horny Ho produced some Hash Shit that had been left behind at 1569, which all belonged to Slim Shady! A few leaners were caught – Crime and Snatch’s sisters Omega and Judy. Do Me Twice turned up late, had no excuse so down down. ProBoner had been accused by Hot Nuts of stealing a hard drive, which she refuted, but as Hot Nuts had left, Captain Mortein was deemed to be the closest living relative.

Lewinsky revenged the earlier Chatty Award by catching Snake talking with Brett, and this time both of them got the award. Slim Shady nominated Snatch for not covering the susu (not sure about this one, but no details were given). Our chefs, Alfred and Tiger Woody were thanked, and the GM reminded that from now on this would be a shared duty. We then saluted the Hosts and the Hares – Buzzer, Ring Ring, ProBoner and Lewinsky.

Check out the new webpage for the 1600th run arrangements.
Next week will be at Dave and Therese’s place in Vailima. Map on the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1574 - Vailima - David and Theresa

2011-06-16T11:23:00.003-11:00

Morning All,

Trust your week is going well...Next weeks run is being hosted by David and Theresa at their home in Vailima. They live behind the Carmelite Nun's house....fingers crossed we get to run past them :)

The run will be a BYO MEATS for the bbq, and the hosts will provide the salads and other bits and bobs...

There will be a keg and softies...and don't forget to bring you hash cash of $15 SAT...

Don't forget that as of Monday, BBQ duties will be shared amongst the hash family, so Mismanagement will pick out a few people on Monday to do the BBQ..

Run starts 1730 Hrs so try be there early as we're up in the hills and it gets dark quite quickly..

On On
See the map for directions.

How Hash Works! (Keep hash fun, do your part)

2011-06-11T12:08:00.001-11:00

Apia Hash House Harriers Run

The Hash run is held every Monday of the year at 5:30pm, rain or shine.
Hash supplies the beer and soft drinks.
Host of the run optionally supplies food at their own expense.
First Monday of each month is a Bring Your Own Food (BYOF) run.
Standard Hash Fee is $15.
New Hashers and Guests pay the standard fee + $5 for their first three runs.
Fee used to supply beer, supplement food, and provide shirts.

Hasher Etiquette
Hash is great fun for us all. Where else can you join your friends for a fun island run, a great BBQ, and usually all the beer/soda you can drink for $15? You can't. What makes this great experience possible is you. Everyone doing their little part so that Hash can be enjoyed by all each Monday.

This is an introduction to those new at Hash and a friendly reminder for our veterans on how to do your part and keep Hash fun.

The Runner:

Show-up and have fun!
Bring new people along to join us.
Make an effort to make new Hashers feel welcome.
Pay Hash Cash promptly (don't wait to be asked).
If it's a BYO Hash, be sure to Bring Your Own.
Be sure to thank the host.
Now and then, try to host Hash.

The Host:

Schedule your Hash weeks in advance.
Make clear your expectations for attending Hashers.
(is it BYO meat, BYO salad, or just bring yourself?)
Provide a map to the venue a week before the run.
(critical for turn-out and beer/soda delivery)
Make sure someone is home by 4:00 PM to accept delivery of beer/soda.
Do not cancel your Hash at the last minute.
If you'd like Kiwi to set the run, please ask him in advance.

The Volunteer:

If you volunteer for a duty, do it (don't ruin Hash for others).
Be proactive, if you see that something needs to be done, do it.
(i.e. ice down sodas/coconuts, help carry the ice cooler, etc.)

Please do your part. When you do not, someone else must during work hours or Hash itself to scramble and make up for the failure. This is very stressful, ruins their Hash, and is just plain mean.

On on,

Hash Run 1573 - Taumeasina with Proboner, POD and Lewinsky

2011-06-10T10:42:00.002-11:00

Morning All,

Next weeks run is being hosted by ProBoner, POD and Lewinsky at Taumeasina. The hosts have kindly offered to cater for hash so there is NO BYO next week. There is no theme for the moment, but check back on Monday in case there are any changes.

Run starts at 17:30 Hrs and bring a change of clothes if you fancy a swim after the run...or in the event that you have a swim during the run :)

There will be a keg there as usual. See the map for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1572

2011-06-09T12:35:00.000-11:00

Greetings again all Hashers. Run 1571 does not have a separate trash, but attendance at the 10km run was moderate. There was Captain Mortein, Godfather, Nomura-san and Poumuli, with Ninja apparently doing the half-marathon. The On On was totally SNAFU’ed by our GM SOTB who had decided to go fishing and hadn’t made any arrangements for the festivities at Y-Not with Dumass. Wahoo and I cruised by twice to no avail.

Anyway, back to 1572, which was hosted by Crime in Fogavai by Apia Park. We started off with a quick run around the area, good markings and nicely laid false traps, before ending up at Apia Park where a game of Touch Rugby was arranged. Splitting into fairly equal teams, we were all struggling with our subbing refs – Dumass and Cockblocker, who took turns at exceeding each others outrageous rulings on the field. Eventually the score was three tries to two, and we called it quits.
Back at Crime’s the BBQ was lit and the circle formed. Jehovah, it’s a miracle, but SOTB was lucid, upstanding and able to form sentences, so he took charge of the circle and called forth those new to Apia Hash. There was Alan, Andrew and Chris from NZ who had come with Greenie’s alter ego, Anita who had been invited by Crime, and Rex and Johnny from NUS who had come with someone called Yeah and Chanel. Greenie, Dumass and CB took their awards, which were doubled later for Greenie and Dumass.

The Rethreads were Skunk (at home helping Snake). Lewinsky was dumb enough to accept being Shoe Inspector and of course he failed to find anything. Celebrity Awards went to Nomura-san (in the Sports pages) and Spanky (Peace Corps piece in Observer). Since she wasn’t there, the GM decreed that her closest living relative was Captain Mortein, Denmark being so much closer to Minnesota than Norway!

On this day in history Lewinsky took the St Francis Day for Crash, SOTB and Lewinsky for being Sea Beggars (a Dutch scourge of 1572) and joined by Pirate Princess (they were basically pirates), while Chris, Poumuli and CB joined for World Environment Day. Captain Mortein at first refused the award for the end of the Kalmar Union (ending Danish overlordship of the 3 kingdoms), but after being told to “drink you Danish butt-munch” he relented.

Since we had had more of sports in hash than normal, the GM followed suit with his Play of the Day Award, to the player who lost his glasses, splayed about in the mud, yet managed to get his tackle in – namely Skunk. The Try of the Day went to Lewinsky, for honourably tossing the ladies aside to reach the mark. Slap of the Day went to Pirate Princess for being too deaf to hear the whistle and slapping the ref. Dumass joined in for “taking the slap like a girl”. Player of the Day (we had expected the GM to self-nominate) went Ladyfinger, who had displayed a remarkable panache and fitness, and according to some of the Hash Meres “good hand action”. Finally, the Biased Ref Award went to Dumass, although CB was equally unconscious and blind when he was reffing.

More on sports, a Wannabe Blonde Award went to Horny Ho, having been informed of the 10k run had texted, I’ll be there. Of course not. The Captain could be HEARD spilling his beer, refused to own up, and required a close up inspection by the GM. A bit pointless really, given the saturation of beer smells that his olfactory nerves were battling at this point. Tiger Woody was caught with cellphonus interruptus. The GM reverted back to the rugby and got up all the try scorers – CB, Lewinsky, SOTB and Johnny. Guess he got thirsty from smelling the Captain’s beer-sodden sandals.

Opening up to the floor, Princess of Darkness nominated Horny Ho for living up to her name. During the paddling on the weekend she had borrowed Chilindrina’s zoom lens camera, only to solely focus on checking out paddlers’ butts. Dumass nominated Crime for a Change Award for altering our normal format. POD also nominated the BBQers for an award. Poumuli nominated the Sea Beggars SOTB and Lewinsky for going fishing instead of running. During the award it came out that Lewinsky only wanted to bring SOTB, knowing full well that Poumuli would be coming back and wanted to join. A staggering toll of down-downs for Lewinsky!

The Captain was brought up on charges of tree poisoning – he had slipped away to do some drainage. No one was willing to do the verification. Sassygirl BJ nominated Horny Ho for some classy rugby moves, especially the quick touch and release. The favour was returned with a Loose Limbs Award from last week’s run, when Sassy had done some impressive stretching before the run and even a bit of pole dancing on the run (“I practice yoghurt” came the imponderable reply).

Ladyfinger tried to give an award but messed up on Godfather’s name so instant backfire, pre-trigger. Sassy gave Andrew the Too Loud Award. Foolishly Poumuli tried to get Wahoo an award for not correcting Cindy of Samoa regarding Poumuli’s preferences, but it didn’t work.

Finally our Host and Hare – Crime – was saluted, before we fell upon the food.
Next week’s run will be care of ProBoner. Watch the blog. Below is a gratuitous clip showing just the sort of cruel humour many Hashers enjoy.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Australian TV ads

2011-06-07T00:23:00.002-11:00

Current World Cup ads are playing on TV here, bringing back fond memories.
http://wn.com/Priceless_World_Cup_moment__Samoa_1991.

OnOn.

Hash Run 1572 - 6th June - Crime @ Apia Park

2011-06-06T09:06:00.005-11:00

Morning All,

Today's run will be at Crime's place at Apia Park. Today, there will be a slight change to our normal routine (going for a run) instead, Crime is arranging some Touch Rugby and Soccer games for hash at the Apia Park, so bring your normal running gear and be prepared for some sports.
Park your vehicles at Crime's place and then we will make our way towards the sports grounds...

I believe Crime will be providing some food but he has also requested the hasher's if they could bring some meats to throw on the bbq...

Directions are posted below on the map. Formalities will start at 1730hrs and the keg will be there.

See map for Directions.

On On

Hash Run - Sat 4th June 2011

2011-06-03T14:43:00.003-11:00

Talofa,

Tomorrow's 10km fun run will be followed by a bbq/drinks at Ynot later on. Time for this is to be confirmed as we are trying to find out if we can get the bar open around 11am for a brunch session.

The fun run starts at 6:30am and if you are running/walking, please make sure you are there at 6am to check in and then get ready for the fun run.
As mentioned in the emails that you all so kindly replied to (not) the starting point is at Funway rentals, Matautu and today is the last day for Registration.

We will discuss the brunch some more tomorrow morning.

On On See you there!

Special Hash Run 1571 - 10km Run Sat 4th June 2011

2011-05-31T13:40:00.005-11:00

Morning All,
As per discussions last night, the Saturday 10km Fun run is still going ahead. This will be counted as a hash run (1571) The details for the Fun Run are as follows:

Start Time: Saturday 4th June 2011 @ 6:30am
Location: Funway Rentals Matautu (Opposite the Marina)
Registration Deadline: Friday 3rd June 2011
Registration Fee: $10.00 WST

If you are keen on joining the run, then head down to Coache's Corner (next to Scoops and Quality Furnishings) and pay your registration of $10 tala. Get your number and then get yourself ready for the fun run on Saturday morning.

We will do a bbq/picnic/On On at Ynot later on...Seeing as the run finished quite early, are there any suggestions on a time to have our On On at Ynot Bar??
There will be no hash cash on Saturday.
This will be a BYO something for the BBQ, and we will buy our drinks from the bar. Dumass (Jay) has kindly offered to give hasher's special prices to buy drinks at the bar.

Please post below if you have some ideas..or put it in the chat window...

If you have any other questions, give me a call on 7555767

On On

2011-05-30T10:15:00.003-11:00

Afternoon All,

YET AGAIN, THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE OF VENUE..HASH WILL BE AT THE YACHT CLUB NOW...BACK TO THE ORIGINAL VENUE...SO BRING WHAT YOU WANT, AND SEE YOU ALL AT THE YACHT CLUB 1730 HRS..

The theme for today is Samoan Flag (Dress like a flag....or fag if you feel like it)

BYO Sausage HASH - Competition for most creative sausage condiment!

Please bring one of the following:
- Sausages
- Buns/bread
- Creative sausage condiments! Chili sauce, fried onions, hot
peppers, salsa, guacamole, samoas own chili sauce, crackers, ice
cream, tartar sauce, homemade concoction of some sort, etc! There will be a keg there and its best you bring a change of clothes...just in case :)

Run Starts at 1730hrs..Im not posting a Map...its HQ, you should all know where it is by now...if you cant figure it out, call Lewinsky on 7500592 or SOTB on 7555767

On On

Hash Trash 1569

2011-05-26T11:02:00.000-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Horny Ho, Alfred and Slim Shady, with Ring Ring setting the trail. I didn’t run so no clue what it was like, but some came back very quickly!

SOTB was our GM, refreshed from the run. He called forth those new to Apia Hash, there was Ben (Swiss), Josh (brought by Wax) and Oscar from Bolivia who had been brought by Ring Ring. The GM decided to give them all a down down for knowing the rules so well. The Rethreads were Dave (busy) and Karaoke (grandmothering).

We didn’t need the Shoe Inspector to see Godfather’s gleaming new ones, although Dave landed himself one by calling him by some other name. After explaining the thievery that led to this necessity, he adroitly chugged from his shoe.
Celebrity Awards went to Dev and Double D’s closest living relative Josh for the full page Vailima draft ads. Latecummers Proboner and Eveready were also punished. Interestingly Eveready had precipitated a telephonus interruptus as he drove in for Karaoke.

This Day in History we had another event in the Lewinsky saga, when the Secret Service were forced to testify in the case. POD and Proboner took this one in his honour.

Karaoke complained about the lack of soft drinks for her big softie, which went to Horny Ho. Swinger made a completely gratuitous climate change remark and demanded that Poumuli and Chilindrina take a drink for daring to bring together climate change experts from around the regions in Apia. Swinger also nominated Horny Ho for the rackets theme – a bit lame.

Slim Shady recounted how a hasher had been bragging about shooting an eagle, which was in fact a birdie, so for the Golf Misinformation award Dev had to come forth. Then Captain Mortein and Alfred were caught in their usual pre-prandial chowing off the BBQ.

POD raised the issue of non-payment of Hash Cash and called on the Sinners Hornithologist. Dave wanted to give a wet t-shirt award, which immediately backfired into a Perving Award. Cockblocker awarded Poumuli with the Good Husbandry Award for shopping with his wife. As Bunga Bunga and her friend had revealed their bellybuttons to the Hash Flash they got the Flasher Award.

Swinger nominated Wax for the Genius Award for publishing her PhD, and she was joined by Hornithologist. Horney Ho gave Swinger the Snob Award for acting all high and mighty at a restaurant. Apparently he was on a hot date with his Mum.
CB then further added dishonour to injury by insisting that Poumuli doesn’t know how to park. He got it in return for using foul language. The hosts and the hare were then saluted – Ring Ring, Slim Shady, Horny Ho and Alfred.

Watch the blog for next week’s venue, and Slim Shady will be Assistant Trainee Scribe.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1569- Matautu (Behind Samoa Marina Hotel)

2011-05-23T09:04:00.002-11:00

Morning All,
Hash today is being hosted by Horny-hoe, Alfred and Slim Shady at the Samoa Squash Courts behind the Samoa Marina Hotel. Head down towards the main wharf/marina, and look out for the hotel on the right hand side and turn down that driveway.

The hosts have said that you have to bring a racquet of some sort for the run (apparently that is the theme?) The Hosts will be providing the food and there will be a keg there too....

If you have any other questions, call horny-hoe on 7721947

On On

Some Light Reading

2011-05-19T16:42:00.001-11:00

Bored at work, then circulate this one to your friends :)

Effective June 2011

Category 1 – Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we’ll assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may have nicer clothes, and therefore… you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore…. you do not need a pay raise.

Category 2 – Sick Days
1. We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor….you are able to come to work.

Category 3 – Holiday Days
1. Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Category 4 – Compassionate Leave
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have employees attend to the arrangements.

2. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Category 5 – Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Category 6 – Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat and more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember that we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be used wisely in the three-minute given in ‘Category 5’.

Thank You.
Management

Hash Trash 1568

2011-05-18T14:57:00.003-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess at their home in Vaoala. A nice day for a run, not too hot, and runners had been forewarned that Pussysnatcher was the hare, so we started out easy. Leading the pack up the wrong way was Cockblocker. He started up towards Bank Street and complained that no one had called him back. Boo hoo. Anyway, Strangler, Poumuli and Alfred, plus some super fit visitors led the way down to Mynahs, in Hollywood Lane, reacquired the trail on the dirt path down to SPREP and then into the creek. We followed a familiar path, with CB again taking the wrong turn at a false trail. No way could PS have set a trail that way without crossing paths! Up and across the creek we got up to the houses below the cow pastures. Strangler and CB had apparently irritated some wasps, which found Poumuli and Alfred. Felt like being hit with a baseball bat! Cursing we set up the side road by the pastures, to find that the trail led into the bush, appropriate for our Hare, but this became a circular bushwhack that really only got us to spend more time with nature than making progress. On up Bank Street, where the damned corner shop was closed, so no thirst quencher. We ran down Cross-Island Road until the Manumea Spa sign, into more bush. Here PS had missed his bearings so we ended up to far down and went the last bit by road. All in all a good length run, inventive use of a trail often used, and Godfathers plentiful sweet nuts and the beer tasted great.

Miraculously, our GM Son Of The Bitch was sober and lucid, had no unmentionable social or otherwise diseases troubling him, and so was able to take up his duties for the evening.

He called forth those new to Apia Hash – they were Martha, Phil, Laurie, Scott, Alex, Kenny, Colleen, Filipo, Defendant and a hasher whose name was something with Hiney. As some had come with PS he took the award for not explaining the rules. Snake intervened that while Lewinsky’s guests had been exemplary in the circle they hadn’t been told the leaning rule, so up came Lewinsky in what would become a pattern this evening.

The Rethreads were Lewinsky (“fishing” in Pago), Snake (looking after little animals), Bunga Bunga (Fiji) and Proboner (working). Shoe Inspector Snake yielded no victims, so he took the New Shoe Detection Failure Award himself. This Day In History went to Swinger (continuation of the Curse of James on Queen Mary) and Poumuli (Norway Day). Somehow the celebration of St. Ubald Day was escaped by Godfather and Snake. The only celebrity was Dev, and the GM decided that CB was the closest living relative. It also emerged that SOTB had been in some eurotrash magazine and had been identified as Captain Sass! God help whatever ship, plane, garbage truck that he would be captaining.

Eveready, being a keen observer of certain celebrities with, er, certain attributes, noted that this was the birthday of Megan Fox and Janet Jackson, and called for Bunga Bunga to take an award replete with a re-enactment of the equipment failure at a past Super Bowl. She demurred on the latter element. Latecomer Hot Nuts went straight to the keg.

The GM continued with his awards, for Hasher of the Month, for leaving kith and kin behind to fend for themselves, run the businesses and all, while he went to Pago to, er, fish – Lewinsky. On a similar master fisherman theme, we were informed that a hasher had gone fishing with kayaks, caught nothing but brought back fish from Mynahs – step forward Captain Mortein.

Turning to the run, the GM decided to berate the Hare for setting part of the run from his car, as it was parked down by the creek, and endangering the Hash with the angry wasps nest. PS huffed that he had run down to fetch his car after, so he had done the whole run on foot and that this was a time saving device to allow him not to skip work so that he could assist the hapless Captain. Moreover, the wasps were endangered by the Hash not the other way around. (Tend to agree here, must have been the pungent sweat off Strangler and CB that first upset the little bastards, just in time for Alfred and me).

Birthday Awards went to Sassygirl BJ and Captain Mortein, celebrating theirs this week. Such an occasion should have meant that we had to have Monica being blown on the run, but Tiger Woody had forgotten to bring her, so this was an obvious additional award. Poumuli tried to get Wahoo an award for forgetting that it was his birthday as well this week. For some inhumane reason this was turned on its head to become a self-promoting whinge to remind all of his birthday, hence a backfire.

Sassy nominated the chef Alfred for forgetting to light the BBQ, or rather a Come On Baby Light My Fire Award. CB nominated the GM for the Finally! Doing His Job Award. The GM’s payback came in the form of the negligent handling of the Hash Mugs by CB and Godfather, which surprised Godfather, but not the informant, Titty Galore.

POD complained that Lewinsky had returned from Pago all conservation minded, and accused the environmentalists for brainwashing him. (Can’t wash what ain’t there, and he’s obviously getting worse at fishing) Poumuli took it for SPREP and Swinger for Conservation International. Eveready added insult to injury, pointing out that Lewinsky had invited all these people to the Hash and then makes them pay.

At this point AC/DC showed up, which allowed us to double his Latecummer Award with this Day in History (it was International Day against Homophobia and Transphobia). Your Scribe also had a lucid moment and found the note about a TV reality show started this week in the US in 2003, in which a certain woman gave advise to young ladies about the attributes of masked male contestants – Lewinsky again! The gift that keeps on giving.

Pirate Princess had been working and one of the visitors hadn’t paid for drinks in the bar, and tried to make a run for it. Apparently his Hash Name is Defendant, but we’ll need to check. He later nominated his whole fishing team for an award, since if one drinks, they all drink!

The hosts and the hare were saluted, before we adjourned to a sumptuous feast prepared by Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess.

Next week’s Hash will be at the squash courts in Matautu (I think). Check the blog for details, but we have been asked to bring a racket of some sorts.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1568 - at Vaoala with Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess

2011-05-13T14:01:00.003-11:00

UPDATE

Hi everyone, next week's run will be hosted by Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein at their Home in Vaoala. Their house is just next door/behind Einstein's house. Take the cross-island road, up past Mynahs, and its on the left over the rise.

This will be a catered event by Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess. The Captain has also asked for assistance in getting someone to be Hare and paper can be picked up from me at SPREP.

As per the norm, the Keg will be there, so hopefully there will be enough for all the thirsty Hashers...Run starts normal time- 1730Hrs

It is Norwegian National Day, so please wear something red-white-and blue or bring something fuzzingly pro-Danish to appease the Captain!

Map posted for Directions

On On

Hash Trash 1567

2011-05-13T10:05:00.000-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Strangler, Wax and Hornithologist at Tafatafa Beach. Since it was Mother’s Day we had been asked (the males) to dress like fa’afafines, while the Hash Meres were all bedecked with moustaches. Lovely warm day out at the beach, but instead of a run, the hosts had organized a bit of fun and games eventually culminating in the production of four bowls of coleslaw. Good fun was had by all, and your Scribe forgets which team won, but somehow thinks it was his team. The photos will show all the silliness when I get around to posting them!

Tallyho was dobbed in as GM for the day, as our GM SOTB was uncontrollably and sobbingly hung-over. He called forth those new to Apia Hash, and they were Ches (DMT’s mum), Two Story (DMT’s Dad, more on that later) and Lance from Whangerei (brought by Mike and Rene). The rethreads (or failures in Tallyho parlance) were Slim Shady, Sassygirl BJ, SOTB, Dried Nuts, Long Dong and Nao. They were all suitably awarded.

As no one was really wearing shoes, the GM decided to have a painted toenails assessment. He decided that DMT’s matching orange toes and dress warranted an award, Slim Shady for having photographs on her toes (?), Pam who had just completed painting hers, and Long Dong for having such pale feet they blinded the GM.
Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli and Wahoo (TV3), and Snatch (double appearance in Observer). For this Day in History Award, your Scribe had found a fabulous one for Swinger but the bastard was absent. It wasn’t completely wasted as we found someone with Scottish heritage to take it – Steakman, Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts (Mary Queen of Scots has to marry Earl James, one month later is defeated in battle and one month later has to abdicate for her 1 year old son James – The Curse of Swinger-namesakes!). Sassy, Joanna and Zsa Zsa took the honours for Europe Day.

The GM then falsely accused several Hashers of having enjoyed dressing like fa’afafines too much, and called forth Zsa Zsa, Cockblocker, Nimura, Ninja and Poumuli for the Dame Edna Award. Opening up for nominations, Wahoo nominated Ninja and Mrs Ninja for leaving their baby all alone in the fale. Funny that Mrs Ninja handled the beer rather niftily. Schumacher nominated Captain Mortein for the Crisis Moment Award, as he had been observed washing his foot with beer! This sacrilege resulted in a large one and an even grumpier Captain, and he was joined by Pirate Princess for unknown reasons.

Sassy nominated Princess of Darkness for not washing the hash mugs, as they were covered with moldy stuff. The GM exclaimed that hash mugs are NEVER supposed to be washed, and that at his age he welcomes growth of any kind! Inexplicably POD managed to get out of this one because Steakman was being lippy with the GM.

Snatch nominated Two Story for Pre-empting the Hash Monk, as he hadn’t actually been named yet, and he just made it up. He started the award before the song started, so he was joined by DMT for not knowing the rules and she not telling him, but she was way quicker, which may have something to do with gravity.

Sassy nominated Horny Ho and Alfred for being late with the BBQ, and Alfred’s was doubled as he hadn’t recognized your Scribe in disguise and was quite shall we say attentive at first. Slim Shady recounted how a heckler had disturbed Zsa Zsa’s saxophone performance at Millennia, saying it was crap. This lengthy FBI-style explanation posed a dilemma for the GM, as he was assured that verily Zsa Zsa on the saxophone is indeed crap (remember the awful attempts to accompany Godfather’s ukulele during Hash 1466. Well I do!). In the end both took the Combined Award.
The hosts were saluted and congratulated for the inventiveness.

SOTB, by now suitably lubricated to get his voice back, managed to get the GM an award for chickening out of the Rethreads Awards. Finally we get some use out of the lugubrious one.

Next week’s run is supposed to be hosted by Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess, but they were making moves to chicken out, so watch the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1567 at Tafatafa

2011-05-04T14:57:00.003-11:00

Afternoon Hashers
Thought I would get this posted now so you can all prepare. The Hash will be hosted by Strangler, Wax and Hornithologist at Tafatafa Beach on the South Side of the island. Take the Cross-Island Road all the way over until you get to the four corners intersection at the bottom. Turn left and carry on for about 12 to 13 Km, until you come to a sign that says Brenda's Beach Fales. It is a right turn and is just before a Mormon Church. Strangler hasn't told me whether its in the fales on the right or left but keep checking the blog. But he will put a Hash marker on the road and then place another marker at the end of the road to indicate which side. If in doubt look for the cars.

This will be a BYO BBQ, so please bring something (please no more sausage fest!). We will either have a keg or crates.

I have also been informed that the theme for the run will be a Mother's Day Hunt and Gather Relay Run, and that in honour of Mother's Day the Hashers are invited to come dressed as fa'afafines! High heels, fishnet stockings, etc. This could be seriously embarrassing! The Hash Meres can ham it up any way they like.

Keep checking for further updates.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1566

2011-05-04T14:54:00.001-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Greeny out in Siusega. It had been raining in the afternoon so it was a relatively cool run, made more so by the late start given the piss-poor directions posted by SOTB, who could not be reached as he was out fishing. Anyway, it was a grand day for a trot, and we set out expectantly from the gate, having been informed that the trail was set on paper. That’s it for the run report. A group of front runners found the initial three false trails out the gate, one towards Tafaigata, one down the road to the left that goes to Screamer’s back yard, and one that led straight up into the bush. We went back and forth for a while, until some of us decided to take a trot up the bush again, hoping to find the trail, didn’t and instead found a nice parallel route to the Tafaigata road, down to the main road and back. No clue where the trail was really set, but a nice sweat out. I had to promise not to whinge too much this week.

Said GM SOTB being fishing, Princess of Darkness stepped in. She called forth those new to Apia Hash and boy there were a lot of them. There was Pussyindah and Susumarah from an Indonesian Hash who are joining us for a few months. There was Dave the neighbour who had taken delivery of the keg thinking his landlord was overly generous, but had joined the run instead. Pam from Samoa, Jo, Filipo, Richard, Howie, Anthony and Kili, all invited by Godfather (although Filipo messed it up, giving Godfather the first of many awards). Finally we had Steakman from Auckland. The Rethreads were Vulture, Jade, Tooth Fairy, and Lady Finger. Vulture doubled his for wearing a Tongan sombrero in the circle.

There were no new shoes found by Volunteer Shoe Inspector Vai Vai, so he took that award. Then the GM called forth the Hare, getting this out of the way immediately amidst calls of Worst Ever, Greeny took a large one.

The GM awarded a Pussysnatcher Lack of Rhythm Award to the Atherton brothers, Swinger and Malvern for their incredible disconnectedness between the music that was playing at the 70’s Party and the associated movements required.
This Day in History went to Swinger for the publication of the King James Bible (2 May 1611) and for the Feast Day of St James the Less (Greeny had complained of not enough paper being provided to him by Swinger). In honour of Lei Day (Hawaii) to Screamer for her intention to get leid in Hawaii soon. Poumuli for Marshall Islands Constitution Day and Nimura for Japan Constitution Memorial Day.

There had been another Day in History award reserved for Bunga Bunga, but in her absence the GM called forth Do Me Twice for looking like a hooker at the 70’s Party and Cockblocker for saying she looked good. Poumuli tried to get Vai Vai for wearing the same shirt he wore in the 70’s to the 70’s Party, but this backfired miserably, as the assembled lot had disconnected their brains sense of humour synapses with Vailima.

Greeny then tried to get an award for the entire Hash for not finding the trail. No need to explain how that one ended. The GM nominated Steakman for the Customs Violation Award for bringing in sausages from NZ.

Screamer received a Blonde (non) Award for being unable to count – she said she had no gossip since its only been 4 days since last Hash. She was so blonde she needed help from Malvern. (She should have had it doubled for her musings on the Hash Chat!)
CB nominated Swinger for the Team Player Award, having tried to organize a paddling team only to send his brother in his place, and unfortunately the brewing gas explosion in the BBQ didn’t happen quickly enough to also set his backside on fire. Steakman was spotted holding up the building, and the rules tirade from the GM reduced him to a Gollum-like state, and this impersonation and the harassing gave him a double.

Godfather announced that the last Hash at Sinalei had raised $1750 for the Christchurch Appeal, and that this would be earmarked for Maori and Pacific Islanders in particular need in that region. He invited further donation and is planning to ask the Prime Minister to hand over the funds.

Eveready observed that today was The Rock’s birthday, and since Godfather had the same hairdo and CB the same body (he needs glasses), he called for their joint Rock Award (which reminds me we forgot to demand the Elvis impersonation!). They were joined by leaving Hasher Malvern, going back to the US.

We then had a request by Steakman for Howie to do Pearly Shells, which he only knew part of, but was helped by Godfather. Then there were two lengthy jokes from Greeny and Filipo, the latter of which was memorable because it had a wet pussy as a punchline.

The Host and Hare, Greeny, was saluted and we descended on what was mostly a sausage fest, except some chicken and a delicious lamb stew from Poumuli.
Next week will be hosted by Wax, Strangler and Hornithologist on the South Side of the island – watch the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1566 - BYO Run @ Greeny's- Siusega

2011-04-28T10:55:00.002-11:00

Morning All,
Next weeks run is being hosted by Greeny at his new pad in Siusega. Please remember that this is a BYO Food run so bring something for the bbq or something precooked or a salad...something to contribute to the spread and please dont rely on a few hashers, you dont bring, you dont eat :)haha

Run starts at 1730Hrs on time. There will be a keg there. Map is below. Im not 100% sure of the exact location but the crap details that i was given is what i have used to draw the map...you can also get hold of greeny on 7771414 if you cant find the place.

The Theme for Monday is Cinco De Mayo...Mexican Holiday..so dress up in Mexican Colors...red, green and white..and if you got some cool hats to go with it..then by all means..put em on!

On On

Hash Trash 1565

2011-04-27T16:37:00.002-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Godfather, assisted by Titty Galore, at the beach between Maninoa and Lupe’s on the south side. The run was set on the Sun, Gobi desert, inside a nuclear reactor – your Scribe has no words to describe this for he lost so much fluid on the run. This was serious torture, with all those false trails set and the sun burning down. OK, the run was set on paper, on out through the bushes past surprised revellers at Lupe’s bar. Up to the main road, we were tricked into a long false trail with an apparent double false trail where Godfather had place a cross. Apparently a large pony must have rolled in it as it resembled more a comfortable spread. Anyway, back to where we started the trail was reacquired leading straight up into the plantations on the semi paved track. Again a false trail off to the side confused many. It was at this point that the curious and unique geographic and meteorological conditions came into play, as it was sunny, hot and muggy and dusty all at the same time, with a nice whiff of smoke from the burning trash thrown in. The combination did also keep the local dogs to a nicely docile state. Catching up with the main pack, who had continued far up the hill on a false trail, we set off across until we reached the Cross-island Road. All the way we could hear Monica being blown to Kiwi’s content across the forest, but it was too dense to risk a shortcut. The heat may also have been creating sound mirages. Down the Cross-island Road your Scribe bought two nius on credit but the newly paved connecting road evaporated all the fluids with a new torture thrown in, namely running on newly deposited hot black tar and its associated reflective capabilities viz the sun. Gasping and puffing we arrived back to gulp down Godfather’s sweet nuts, plus gallons of cold water, before dropping into the ocean for a more complete cool-down.

Ok, this was a bit whingeing, but I am still in pain. It was an imaginative run set by Godfather, and we should have cottoned on that some of the false trails couldn’t have been set from the truck. And as he rightly pointed out, the beer tasted heavenly after the run, what was left of it after the surf dudes had been at it! We should also avoid having blind people as front runners, no matter how fast they are!

SOTB our GM was again too hung-over, tired and emotional from surfing that he couldn’t string a sentence together, so Princess of Darkness came to the rescue as acting GM. She called forth those new to Apia Hash and they were Ernie and Becky from Texas (here on holiday), Rikomi from Japan (with APS), Mini-Ninja, Joyce from here, Mihoko from Japan (UNDP) and Michael from Oz.

The rethreads were Pussysnatcher (been busy getting Snatch to accept getting snatched), Crash Bandicoot (busy being a father, or holding up the bar at On the Rocks, take your pick), Sassygirl BJ (busy playing with Daddy), Anna (she’s from Denmark, been away 2 years, back to see AC/DC in Tokelau), Malvern (Swinger’s brother, here from the US), AC/DC (swimming in Tokelau), and Godfather (fare-welling the va’ a crew in Auckland).

The announcement by PS caused a congratulatory award to be offered, which Snatch refused on the grounds that she is pregnant and that’s why she agreed to the above. Celebrity Awards went to Dumas and Joyce for their photos in the Observer. This Day in History Awards, for ANZAC Day went to Poumuli and Eveready as the only veterans who marched and Kiwi, Hot Nuts and Michael as token NZ and OZ representatives – Michael nearly went twice for wearing his sunnies, but Titty G took that one for poor instructiveness. For the founding of Rio de Janeiro in 1565 by someone named Francisco something we got Crash and Wax.

The GM had been told of a weekend party where guests had been warned about the glass doors and to be careful, yet Do Me Twice managed to go smack into one, resulting in a Pure Blonde Award (the Scribe objects to this type of stereotyping – should have been a plain Bimbo Award). Schumacher had observed a hasher trying to undo a lavalava on a Hash Mere. While PS claimed he was only helping Karaoke he got the Doing Eveready’s Job For Him Award.

Lewinsky, worse for wear for not having done the run, nominated Cockblocker for trying to beat up the host of a party. The GM took a vote, and Lewinsky joined CB for the Deck The Host Award, later doubled for Lewinsky for his inability to perceive that his hat was still stuck on his head. AC/DC and Anna were called forth for sitting and leaning respectively – must have been a long swim from Tokelau or something...

Vai Vai, inspired to see how much of a backfire he could create this time, nominated Ernie for being late to the Hash, which unsurprisingly went straight back to Vai Vai for not giving good enough directions and instructions.

At this point the Mad Hash Monk appeared, growling about naughty people in the Hash and sundry scandalous behaviour. Tasha was made to kneel before her, and in a cascade of flour, ketchup, beer and a torrent of abuse from the Mad Monk about her sexying it up, she will hence forth be known as Horny Ho.

Now Rebecca was made to kneel, and in the same manner we were told how this birdwatcher loves the two legged kind. She will hence forth be known as Hornithologist. Dev who was taking photographs of all this, had his hair used as a hand towel by the monk and looked like he had been named too! Susan was next in line, but instead was observed sprinting for cover on the beach and disappeared. The Mad Monk then amusingly tried to make her own exit through the dumpster, stepping into all sorts of unholy crap. Dev moved away at that point, knowing what the Mad Monk likes to do to him.

SOTB then nominated Lewinsky for his precision parking of the truck, just-so that the lid gave a little gap for the beer droppings to fall and fertilize the soil. Lewinsky countered that he had just hit the building and then moved gently forward, or pulling out as he described it. We were interrupted in getting to the bottom of what he meant by that by latecummers Ray Charles and Mermaid.

The GM tried to wrap things up, but Swinger interrupted with an award for Macho Man AC/DC for running barefoot. Swinger joined him for being so macho he thought he could interrupt the GM. Sassy nominated the chefs SOTB, Crash and Lewinsky.

We then had some announcements for events next weekend. DMT brought up the paddling regatta and Sassy that there will be a 70’s party on Saturday (tickets from Sassy or Ring Ring). Eveready informed us that there was a beer drinking contest at the Gekko’s Bar (Sassy said the prize was a 2 week date with Horny Ho). There is also a special fundraiser for Christchurch that weekend, and due to the clashes Godfather requested that the Hash still make a donation. This was duly done, results of which will be communicated by Sassy when she wakes up.

After wishing Malvern a Happy Birthday we saluted the Host and Hare, with a promise that Godfather would do his Elvis impersonation at the next Hash. The spread that Godfather, Titty G and the extended family had put on was quite simply amazing, delicious, super-tasty, stupendous.

Next week’s Hash is scheduled for Greenie’s new house in Siusega. SOTB will get us a map and directions.

A completely gratuitous joke attached below relating to some poor sod who won the lotto.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1565

2011-04-21T10:01:00.004-11:00

Easter Monday run at Lupe's Bar

Morning to all Hashers.There has been a change in plans for Monday's Easter Run. Godfather had offered to host at Sinalei but there is now a Wedding Booked for Monday so Hash will now be at Lupe's Bar (Next door to Coconuts Beach Resort) Dont worry, its next to Sinalei, so your beach plans aren't all screwed yet!

We are meeting at Lupe's at 12noon and the run will start at 2pm. Also bring your change of clothes and swim gear.

Same Directions, Head down to the south coast via the cross island road and make a right turn at the bottom. Head past Sinalei and look out for the turn off on the left to Coconuts Beach Resort. Head down this road and you will see Lupe's Bar.

If you get lost, dont bother calling me as I will be surfing.

On On
GM

Hash Trash 1564

2011-04-19T15:32:00.002-11:00

The Hash was hosted by Hash at Snakepit #2, in Vaitele. A bright day with some rain threatening, but it didn’t appear. So it was off for a hot slog down the roads of Vaitele, courtesy of the Hare – Tiger Woody (AKA Kiwi).He had set the run on flour and there was a lot of space between the marks, seeking to ensure that the pack stayed together. And boy did Cockblocker and the paddlers find lots of false trails. Basically the trail took us all around the backstreets of Vaitele until we came back down the hill past Moata Samoa. A fairly arduous run that got the heart pumping – malo Kiwi.

The GM, SOTB was absent with undisclosed diseases ravaging him, so Hot Nuts stepped in for the evening. He called forth those new to Hash, and that was Diane from the Cook Islands, with us for at least 3 years. The rethreads were Hot Nuts, Screamer, Swinger and Fang. They had been travelling all. After the award, POD made a point of order, as Dev had not fessed up to being a rethread, for which he was suitably rewarded.

On this day in history, Poumuli could inform that Brazilian armed forces had liberated the town of Montese in Italy (1945), and this one went to Wax as closest living relative. It was also Bicycle Day which went to Swinger and Hot Nuts. Opening up for nominations from the floor, Swinger was nominated for not running Hash while in Fiji.

Vai Vai opined that a letter written to the Observer some weeks ago had to be a work of fiction, as it referenced Poumuli as a responsible drinker and dabbler in witchcraft. Protests that this had caused a down down at the time didn’t stick, so Poumuli took it like a man, so fast the GM missed it.

Tasha nominated Alfred for breaking off the knob again on the Hash BBQ. Do Me Twice tried to back her up but inadvertently used Lewinsky’s other name, and joined Tasha and Alfred in the Knob Fixation Award. Lewinsky nominated Screamer for taking a seductive phone call during the circle, which turned out to also include best wishes from the va’a crew.

Karaoke nominated Nutcracker for the Freakout Award, as she had screamed “no vagina cake” should be made for Hot Nuts birthday! As if she would create something like that. Well she did make a Barney Cake for Lewinsky so its not a far cry from that, after all Barney is a real C@#&. The GM was joined by POD for his birthday award. At this stage we couldn’t sing too loud as the family next door were having their sa.
Tasha had been on Rock the Boat, no surprises there, and then Ynot and had observed the very public argumentation between CB and DMT. POD informed us that SOTB had promised to bring the gas for the BBQ but hadn’t, so Lack of Gas Award went to closest living relative, former flatmate DMT, who staggered back in the circle.

Swinger nominated Dev for the Leaning on Fa’fafine Award – that’s just not on! Latecummers Spanky and Proboner were then greeted into the circle, but drank so damned slow the GM nearly fell asleep. CB then nominated Proboner for the Anti-conservation Award for her Exxon Mobil t-shirt.

Screamer explained how she and Spanky had been having a nice quiet dinner at the Yacht Club, when they were rudely interrupted by Poumuli and Wahoo seeking a place to sit. CB tried to explain his side of the story as they had also had free seats at their table. Poumuli chose to stab him in the back by concocting a story on DMT and CB.

The GM awarded the Troopers Award to Eveready and Snake for getting the gas. DMT nominated Dev for his “Getting High At Hash”t-shirt, and he was joined by Eveready for his extraordinary flashing t-shirt. Vai Vai was about to make a nomination based on the run, but then caught newbies Mike and Rene snuggling in the circle. This is not on – they should look to examples of such prudish self-restraint as Hot Nuts and Nutcracker, POD and Lewinsky, or even Poumuli who hadn’t even brought Wahoo! Rene had to take two for wearing sunglasses.

Eveready nominated Wax for driving her roommate home due to some undisclosed ailments – not quite sure about that one. Poumuli nominated Diane for the Preservation of Marriage Award for taking on so much of his work travel. Snake exclaimed that she must be a Hasher as she warmed the beer! ProBoner caught Tasha with cellphonus interruptus. POD nominated Karaoke and Eveready for the Cutest Couple Ever, but Karaoke claimed the flasher didn’t work! Eveready also nominated Screamer for the violated house sitter award. Lewinsky and CB were also brought in for their incessant chatter. We must retrieve the Dome of Silence!

Proboner nominated Lewinsky for leaving the GM hanging with no beer, but Lewinsky claimed that his runner CB wasn’t working. After calling Lewinsky a dick, the sole award went to CB. Mike nominated Tiger Woody for constantly breaking out of the circle, and this was doubled for his services to CB exhaustion for making him run all those extra false trails. As we had no Hosts per se, Spanky, Snake and Fang were saluted for their efforts.

Next week’s run will be on Easter Monday at Sinalei. Godfather has asked that we arrive by 12 and run by 2 PM.

The GM closed the circle with the piece of advice to any would be acting GMs in the future – always keep POD by your side!

Video clip below in honor of Bicycle Day!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1564

2011-04-14T13:43:00.003-11:00

Greetings Hashers

Monday's run will be hosted by Snake at Snakepit#2, which is by the Senese School in Vaitele. Head towards the airport road, past the brewery and when you get to Vaitele, turn left opposite BOC Gases and head up the road about 1 - 1.5km and look out for the Senese School on the left hand side.

This will be a BYO run so you are all requested to bring some food, salads, BBQ etc.

No theme has been announced, but stay tuned in case this changes.

There will be a special Hare coming on Monday so make sure that you are prepared. This cryptic message supplied by the GM, Son of The Bitch.

Directions in the map below

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1563

2011-04-12T11:59:00.001-11:00

Your Scribe is back from overseas purgatory, and will endeavour to produce the Trash on time.

The Hash was hosted by Slippery in To’omatagi up by the National University of Samoa. A kerfuffle had been caused by the non-appearance of Crime to set the trail, but Strangler was on hand to give it a go as Hare. Slippery explained that the trail was set on paper and on on we went out the gate. We followed the To’omatagi road up for a bit before launching us through someone’s garden and down a slippery hill. We have run this way before, but ended up in a dead-end. Strangler had found a connection to another garden which eventually took us out onto the Vaimauga Road. We went up and down a bit here, as Cockblocker and the hyper-fit bunch brought by Dumas couldn’t spot the trail. We ended up doing far more exercise keeping up, but eventually we headed down to Vaivase-uta Road, then Vaivase-tai and back. A good and interesting run made all the better by the light rain.

Back at Slippery’s Princess of Darkness filled in for a hopelessly hung-over GM. She called forth those new to Hash, they were Hans, Moana who had been brought by Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein (he whooped at her diligent response), and Bruce from APTC who had come with someone called Mike. The GM made him drink for disrespecting and being a cheeky bastard. The rethreads were Poumuli, Wahoo, Chook, CB and Hot Rod. Poumuli then made a point of order since the Assistant Maestro Slim Shady had started the song before explanations of absence could be made.

Snake the Shoe Inspector couldn’t find anything initially, but Pirate Princess yelled out that CB was hiding his shoes and that they looked very new. CB protested that he had drunk from them before, but went along with it anyway. Pirate Princess joined for false accusation. On the topic of shoes, the GM was told that one of the Hash Meres lost a shoe on the trail, only to pick up a stray jandal and continuing merrily along. Wild Turkey got the Islander Award. Spanky pointed out the nice hat she was wearing during the award, so it was doubled. But in helping her as whipping girl, Spanky was wearing same said hat, so she also got another.

On this day in history, Poumuli informed the Hash that in 1775 it was the last time that they burned a witch in Germany – this one went to SOTB, Johanna, joined by Tasha for bitchcraft, and it was also the day in 1999 that Clinton got indicted for contempt of court for giving intentionally false statements about – Lewinsky. Tiger Woody had to join him as he was not blowing Monica.

Celebrity Awards were brought to us by SOTB. There was Ninja (in the Observer), Spanky (TV?), Wahoo (Rotary at Manumea story) and Lewinsky for story on HQ (your Scribe couldn’t get the whole story). Bunga Bunga was also in the paper, but nearest living relative was forgotten. During this CB dropped a full cup of golden nectar, and Pirate Princess pointed out Karaoke’s hip-shaking butt-swinging.

Opening up for nominations, Vai Vai was too quick off the mark in trying to get Hot Rod one for running in jandals. Total utter backfire! We are in Samoa, hello! Tasha nominated Karaoke and Eveready for leaving her behind on the trail, reducing her to tears behind someone’s toilet (“well that’s been known to happen” noted SOTB). Eveready launched into a vigorous FBI defence, culminating in his counter that Snake should get it as he was behind, and that he only shouts out On On at home! The defence breasts. The GM decreed that Snake join Eveready and Tasha in a Hash Sandwich. Poumuli tried to get a repeat as the sandwich re-enactment had been faulty – Snake should have been the meat, but was turned down.

We then had a Birthday Award for Lewinsky, accompanied by the most horrific caterwauling of Happy Birthday, probably thanks to Strangler and Slim Shady. Bruce got a Sour Grapes Award for something. Chook tried to get two chariot riders punished but mistook Pirate Princess for Princess of Darkness, and had to Join her and Moana for the award. There was also a Master Chef Award for the BBQ masters, who joined the Host and the Hares for the salute.

Trying to wrap things up, the GM was interrupted by Tiger Woody’s cellphone. The glitch in setting the run went to Crime, who tried the I Have No Car defence. Poumuli tried to get SOTB for Dereliction of Duty in not getting an Assistant Scribe the last two weeks, but this instead went to Slim Shady and Poumuli.

Next week’s run was supposed to be hosted by Dave and Theresa in Vailima, but they cancelled towards the end of the evening. Instead this will now be a BYO run at Snakepit #2, details will be posted on the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1563 - Slippery @ To'omatagi

2011-04-08T10:35:00.002-11:00

Morning All,
Next week, Slippery has kindly offered to host hash at his house in To'omatagi. There is no theme for Monday, but stay tuned and check back on Monday in case it changes.

Head up to NUS and go past the NUS Main gate and its the 4th (Last) house on the left hand side.

Run starts at 1730 HRS Sharp as it now gets dark earlier in the day.

See map below for directions

ON ON

Hash Run 1562- Snake Pit

2011-03-31T15:34:00.003-10:00

Afternoon all...Hopefully you enjoyed the run on Monday...Next weeks run will be at the Snake Pit and being the first Monday of the month, it will be a BYO Food Run. So please don't all bring sausages..and try and mix it up a bit.. :)

Run starts normal time (1730 Hrs) and there will be a keg. Snake has also told me to put this on the Blog. "Bring a change of Clothes as chances are you will get wet"...now don't pike out just because of that little message from Snake...At the moment, there is no theme for this run but check back on Monday just in case its been updated.

See you all on Monday.

On On

Hash Run 1561- SOTB & Tooth Fairy - Letogo

2011-03-23T09:48:00.004-10:00

Morning All,

Next weeks run will be Hosted by SOTB and Tooth Fairy (and Sassy, in spirit) at Letogo at Sassy's house...he he. Head out along the east coast road and follow the maps....its not that difficult!

The hosts will be providing food/bbq so no need to bring anything. There will also be a keg as per the norm and an interesting run...bring a change of clothes :)

When you get to the house, pls park your cars down on the road and walk up and don't block the driveway :) Make sure your cars is nicely parked on the side and not in the ditch..

Run will start normal time: 1730Hrs
If you get lost, and you don't know how to read a map, call SOTB on 7500767

On On

Hash Trash 1560

2011-03-23T08:01:00.001-10:00

Greetings Hashers. Wahoo and I are back from Niue and were pleasantly surprised to have a new venue to run from. The Hash was hosted by Slim Shady, Tasha and Catherine in Moamoa. It was a bit tricky to find, but most showed up on time. The run had been set on flour which is always a bit risky when we have inclement rain. I also noticed some dogs licking it up when they weren’t busy barking at the hashers. So a bit tough but we found the trail, which took us mostly by road up towards the Chanel College. There we ground to a halt as the next village was under curfew for sa. We actually had that problem once before a year or so ago, and then only half the runners cleared the village in time. So we set off back again, found a crossroad that eventually took us back to the house. No dog bites on anyone but a close call for some. The run was on the theme of Lesbian Vampire Killer, and several Hashers had permanent stains administered by Snake to resemble blood. He should get an award next week for making us look like idiots at work the next day.

Son of the Bitch has taken over as GM as per last Hash, and called the large circle to order. There was one new to Hash, Sala from Japan, brought by Ninja and was apparently lesbian, or maybe it was lost in translation? There were many Rethreads – Fang, Tooth Fairy, Slippery, Kiwi, Skunk, Mana, Trina, Buzzer and Schumacher. Since we had two kegs the GM ordered them all to drink for slackness. The Shoe Inspector Snake nearly had to drink from his very new looking shoes, but was saved by Pussysnatcher’s wrinkled nose. Snake was made to take the award for not spotting any new shoes.

Celebrity Awards went to Wahoo (on TV during the Blues-Hurricanes game), Swinger (for false accusation on Trina) and Don (for not producing evidence that Godfather had been in the paper. Poumuli had to join in for not scanning the papers when in Niue.

The GM gave a Sneaky Fishing Award to Captain Mortein for illegally catching snakes in the harbour, which was doubled because of his sunglasses. Strangler got a Violated Award for having his house broken into and only to be told to go see the officer in the Sex Crimes Unit. It was pointed out that with pants like those he was wearing he should be violated.

The Hash Mugs were yet again absent, so closest living relative to Crash Bandicoot, Lewinsky, had to step up. Another GM award, the Nut Case Driver Award went to Do Me Twice for driving with a ciggy, cellphone and slamming the wheel. That is NOT multi-tasking. A Dereliction of Duty Award went to newly appointed Hash BBQ Captain Mortein who was rather getting grumpy. PS had been bopping about during the Hash Song and got a Lack of Rhythm Award.

On to the Hare – 1000 dogs, sa in the middle of the trail, and poorly laid flour in the middle of the road, so Slim Shady was joined by Crime who hadn’t turned up to help like he said he would. It was also the first time in ages that the Hash Horn Monica had been on the trail, so Tiger Woody got a Lousy Blower Award.
The GM had been informed that a certain Hashman had tried to chat up Wahoo’s married sister during an after-game festivity, in front of the rather large husband. Cockblocker was overseas, so Wahoo had to do the award for him, joined by a Vicious Dogkicking Award to Tasha for nearly booting a mangy one out of the yard. Pro Bona has now also passed the NZ Bar and got the Sue Your Ass in 2 Countries Award. Snake and Fang got the Hash Gratitude Award for finally donating the BBQ to Hash.

Schumacher got the FOB Award for not being able to open a coconut after all these years and making his wife do it. A more disturbing bit of news was that Wane knew the legal age for intercourse for girls around the world – Clear Perving Award. Latecummer Christina took the award for not following own directions and for leaving Hash that night.

Zsa Zsa handed over the Dome of Silence to Snake, although competition for over-chattiness was fierce. He neglected to mention how stinky the Dome has become. Zsa Zsa was called back in the circle for interfering where he shouldn’t – something about boobies falling out – Transylvanian Pervert Award. Schumacher nominated Spanky for the Optimistic Persistence Award for not listening to his advice on availability of a young man, but getting the job done!

Strangler nominated Slim Shady for denigrating Hash by hanging over the side of Rock the Boat and huckering, who then tried to implicate Chilindrina for feeding her all that tequila in the first place. You can respect Mexican culture without tequila, methinks.

Snatch nominated Jo for referring to PS as hot, young and muscular. Wonder which one of them needs glasses. Poumuli nominated POD for dinging Lewinsky on the run, or body slamming as she called it and demonstrated. Snake felt that not all of Hash had lived up to the spirit of the theme. Eveready thought Snatch had dressed as a Lesbian, and joined her in the award. Eveready had been called three times by Wax for directions, but she had been following Strangler. For Poor Sense of Direction the GM had to step up, especially since his cellphone went off at that exact moment. Snatch nominated Dan for offering bone-breaking treatments in exchange for free food. Tasha gave Tooth Fairy the Hiding Food Award for insisting that the BBQ should be out back.

Spanky, who by now was singing loudly, noticed that DMT wasn’t even trying. She was joined by serial leaner Captain Mortein. Snatch nominated Ninja for trying to dob in his jealous wife, when he was at Hash with two girls. Snatch had to join them out of lesbian solidarity.

We then had a naming ceremony for departing Hashers Jo and Dan. Henceforth they will be known as Cockjockey and Bonecrusher. They were farewelled together with Christine.

As the beer was still flowing, Slim Shady nominated Alfred for being a good host, but he can’t light a fire! On that note the GM felt compelled to congratulate the Brewmaster with a big one. Fang got the Garlic Thief Award for trying to get her hands on POD’s ula (made from garlic to ward off vampires).

Latecummer Sassygirl BJ was saluted and then the Host and the Hare, with only Slim Shady and Tasha remaining standing.

Spanky will be starting a more proactive calendar for our upcumming runs, specifically for Mondays. So our next two confirmed runs are next week at Sassy’s house (theme should be cat’s away, SOTB will play) hosted by Tooth Fairy and SOTB. The week thereafter will be at Slippery’s by NUS.

SOTB will be posting the directions, and your Scribe will be absent for two Hashes, so hope the GM can convince someone to do this.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1560 - Moamoa

2011-03-18T11:50:00.003-10:00

Morning All,
Hash next week is being hosted by Slim Shady, Tasha and Catherine in Moamoa. The Theme for the run will be "Vampires", so wear a vampire outfit if you have one, or dress in black or purple.

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food so this is NOT a byo run. There will also be a 2nd keg on tap as the hosts want to party it up...

Directions: Head up to Moamoa, go past the Sinamoga bridge, and keep heading up the road, on the right hand side, there will be a sign pointing out the turn off to the house. Below is also a map for those that cant figure it out... :) If you really get lost, call Tasha on 7721947

ON ON

Hash Trash- Run 1559

2011-03-17T08:29:00.002-10:00

Run#1559 was hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker at their beautiful home in Vaoala. We thank them for hosting last minute, as we were lost for a location (Thanks Do me Twice). The run was a steep jungly sweaty mess but all survived and made it home! POD was our sparkling GM for the last time this week and we are grateful for all her support throughout the time she GM'd.
We held a minute of silence for all the people who have suffered due to natural disaster in the recent past; Christchurch, Queensland, and Japan were foremost in our minds and hearts.
There were many new faces in the circle this time, Ninja brought half of Japan to the circle, and we were happy to welcome them and Swinger and CB brought a clutch of greenies from Conservation International (who have been drinking more than working). Andrew was visiting from Melbourne, as was Emma.
Retreads: Lesbian Vampire Killer made a resurrection and showed up after a one year hiatus, Home and Away won the prize for having missed three years worth of Hash, and Snake came out of the grass to take his down down like a man.
As for New Shoes, Yoshi still had the size stickers left on his shoes, which forced him to drink, but Ninja had not informed him of this very important rule and thus had to drink out of the other shoe- a very gross thing for us to watch.
Swinger was awarded “Lecherous Old Man” for telling a young attractive Blonde that he was turning 40 when in truth he was turning 44- He claims no memory of this, as any old man would. For the most inappropriate birthday gift, Hot Nuts presented Swinger with a “Wally Washer” supposed for washing dishes but most evidently for washing other bits too. Both drank.
CB drank for “Ring Abuse” and “Toilet Tantrums”, no one likes to be rubbed by a floatation device nor have pee dripping down their toilet. Karaoke was given the “Pussy Replicator” award for making a vagina cake, and Eveready was awarded the “Pussy Consultant award” for vagina critique. No celebrity awards because Poumuli was absent. Joe and Dan for dancing like freaks and for winning Chicken “For all the skinny white girls”. Latecomer award went to TittyG and Pussysnatcher.
Vampire nominated slimshady for getting her departure date wrong and throwing a Vampire party without her. Do me Twice for just being annoying. Gag me drank for “Chip Sandwich” and because she leaves soon. Rebecca, Wax, and Slimshady for not getting anyone’s name right. Snake for fixating on Pirate Princess’ breastfeeding. GM gave the new list of Mismanagement:

GM- SOTB
Hash Cash- Sassy/POD
Hash Trash- Poumuli
Hash Haberdash- Slimshady
Hash Flash- Slippery
Hare- Crime
Hare raiser- Spanky
Brew Master- Lewinsky
Hash Mugs- Crash
Hash BBQ- Captain Mortein
Captain Mortein was caught eating in the circle and then tried to pass it to his kids as if any of us believed that! He drank for his sin! Drinks were had for outgoing GM for a job well done. Drinks for the Hare and Host, Dan & Joe and DO Me Twice.
Food was had, vagina cake was eaten, and incoming GM reconvened the circle as his first act as “Cartman”. A farewell song was sung for Vampire and Brynne and then some of the burlier members of the circle chucked Vampire’s blood-sucking butt in the pool.
Fun was had by all!

Written by Slimshady & Vampire.

Hash Run 1559 - Bank Street

2011-03-14T10:40:00.002-10:00

Morning All, trust you all had a great weekend.

Today's run will be hosted by Do me twice, Dan and Jo up at Hot Nuts and Nut Crackers home in Vaoala (Bank Street). No theme for the run, just turn up with your running gear and a change of clothes.

Please note that it is also a BYO Food run. There will be a BBQ there, so pls bring something to contribute to throw on the BBQ or a salad or something. There will be a Keg as per the norm.

See the Map for Directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1558

2011-03-10T12:57:00.002-10:00

The Hash was hosted by Princess of Darkness and Lewinsky at their home in Taumeasina. It was a overcast day, which cleared up by the time the run started. A fully fledged marathon had been set by Ring Ring, who took us through the mangrove reserve and way up to the Fagalii airport road, then meandered back past angry mangy dogs and back to the house. Many were spent for breath and the ocean beckoned.

Eveready was ready to GM, and called forth the birthday girl, Happy Feet, which Snatch mistakenly mangled, so she got the first award of the evening. “Journalists should check their facts!”

There was one new visitor to Hash, Kathy who lives here, and was brought by Wild Turkey. The rethreads were Rebecca from NZ, Wax, and Nileema (who had been away on pleasure!). No new shoes were found, and no shoe inspector either.

The GM had noted that the music at Hash was somewhat more melodic, and demanded that Godfather take a Ukulele Award for his new strings. He demurred from drinking from the ukulele, but it was certainly dribbled upon. On the same (false) note, the GM demanded to know what was happening to the ukulele lessons that Godfather was graciously supplying, and the hapless stringers Cockblocker, Zsa Zsa and Swinger too the Useless Pupils Award. Zsa Zsa demonstrated the can’t play, can’t drink principle.
Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (Vanuatu Daily Post), Greenie (elections) and Snatch (apparently also known as ardent rock thrower from Savaii). This Day in History went to Captain Mortein (1st International Womens Day inaugurated in Copenhagen 1911), Wax (its St. John’s Day) and Jeff (Labour Day in WA). It was also Wahoo’s birthday on Sunday, and because your Scribe was busy she had to be helped by Dawn Raid.

In addition to Wahoo’s bash, the GM had been informed that another party had taken place, without the knowledge of the house occupants! Eager partiers had been calling Zsa Zsa in the Cook Islands to ask for directions to the party, at which apparently Bunga Bunga showed how Bunga Bunga was done, getting the natives to stand to attention. Fittingly she had to be assisted by Gag Me.

As we all know the GM is an avid and perfectionist guacamole producer, and he always brings some to Hash. But last week someone thieved his avocadoes, and he was also informed that the illicit party had resulted in similar purloining. Tasha and Zsa Zsa were the initial targets for this award. Screamer school-marmishly informed that Dawn Raid had abetted the crime, and eventually he, Slim Shady and Christine took the Award. On the same subject, the GM had been talking to Snatch who had complained of a bad stomach due to the guacamole produced by inferior chef Pussysnatcher, who got the Gordon Ramsey Award.

A belated Dummy Award was attempted served on Godfather for getting in the wrong line in Auckland (he was on Poly, not Air NZ), but this turned out to be Titty Galore’s fault. Godfather always looks forward to runs here at Taumeasina, but since Lewinsky didn’t set the run, he called for a Lazy Award. Sassygirl BJ nominated Dawn Raid for using the Hash run for ulterior purposes – “you take your hash seriously”, chimed Lewinsky. Greenie got a Leaning Award.

Pirate Princess nominated Captain Mortein for various traffic offenses and being stopped by the cops with an expired license, which earned her a muffled butt slap. Dan, irritated by the constant yapping across the circle, was only too happy to relinquish the Dome of Silence to Zsa Zsa, but it didn’t really work. Sassy nominated Dan for making her legs weak and seeing things, which Dan attributed to the medical condition of Severe Hangover. Sassy joined him for pre-empting the Hash Monk by calling him the Bonebreaker, courtesy of Poumuli.

Slim Shady, not wishing to be known as the Nipple Police had to confess her horror at first being told that the GM had waxed his chest, and then showing her. The GM complied. Sassy complained that Gag Me had short term memory loss for not remembering her name. She even talks to a snorkel underwater! On a roll, Sassy also nominated AC/DC for leaving. On that point, Poumuli nominated Dawn Raid for finally leaving, and himself for the lack of grief that this was finally coming to pass.
Sassy had arrived early and upon running out with the pack had heard Alan and Crime say – seriously, you’re starting on time? Poumuli assisted the GM by pointing out that the Dome of Silence wasn’t working properly. Slim Shady nominated Swinger for the Extremely Unhelpful Award for not delivering his video promise.

As far as the GM is concerned a Hash isn’t complete without an award for Screamer. Your befuddled Scribe helpfully pointed out that Screamer was making the SPREP staff look like a bunch of cheerleaders on their upcoming trip, and was forced to join. POD nominated Slim Shady for the Elevated Award for her new matai title (sorry, can’t read my writing). Poumuli got Snatch for the Dog Ate My Homework Award for no Trash. Spanky joined her for stating that no one reads the Trash.

On a serious note, Sassy nominated Greenie for his election efforts. Wild Turkey finally joined the circle and got the 5 Year Absence Award. Sassy managed to sneak in something for the BBQ assistants CB, Lewinsky and Do Me Twice, while Snatch got Sassy the Early Retardedment Award.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted and the we chowed.

Next weeks Hash will apparently be hosted by Do Me Twice, but for the life of me I can’t remember where she lives. Check the Blog as SOTB will post. Your Scribe will again be absent for a week, but Spanky has offered to do the Trash. Picture of SOTB's boot below.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit