Hash Run 1588 - Vaoala, Bank St with Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy

Morning All,
Following from Saturdays special Perimeter Run/Hash Run, tonights run is being hosted by Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy up at Zsa Zsa's place in Vaoala on Bank Street, just down the road from where we had the On On on Saturday.

Congrats again to the two hash teams for completing the Perimeter Relay over the weekend...well done!

The hosts are providing a spread tonight so no need to bring anything for the BBQ. Run will start at 1730Hrs so be on time and dont forget your hash cash..there will also be a keg there tonight...

See you then.
On On.

Hash Trash 1586

The Hash was hosted by Slipppery at his house by NUS. The run was set on paper, and we were warned to closely follow the trail. Yes indeed, it had been trickily set by Buzzer. We went up left from the house, led off by Tallyho and Poumuli, who quickly missed the first turnoff. Tracking back we went through someone’s front yard, down the back into the gully, which saw a lot of slips and falls. Reaching the bottom the trail zigged and zagged through the bush, but this meant that the slower runners had an advantage in catching up to the front. Several incidents with barbed wire ensued, including Captain Mortein using Poumuli as a cushion. Out of the bush we raced up through a taro patch to reach the road. We then followed a country trail up and around to rejoin the parallel road to NUS. Thankfully we didn’t have to go all the way down and around as the trail had been arranged to go through someone else’s yard. Excellent effort by the Hare.

SOTB as GM called the circle to order, which was a tall one given the screaming offspring running around. He called on those new to Apia Hash, which were Nick and Janine from NZ, brought by Ladyfinger, and David and Alistair brought by Godfather – obviously the Hashers had given good instructions! Slight interruption from Do Me Twice who was caught for a cellphonus interruptus. The Rethreads were Strangler, DMT, Pussysnatcher, Cockblocker and Jeff. Reasons given were not heard by your Scribe over the screaming kids.

Celebrity Awards went to Swinger, Ben, Tallyho, Lewinsky and Slim Shady (large Observer free advertising for On the Rocks), Crime for the crime is not our culture headline, and Captain Mortein was deemed Lezzie’s closest living relative for the condemnation by SUNGO in the Observer.

For this year in history, in 1792 the French Crown Jewels and the Hope Diamond were stolen, so Ben being Swiss and closest neighbour got the Failure to Protect Family Jewels. In 1989 Hungary freed interned East German refugees, a major cause for the fall of the Iron Curtain – to Zsa Zsa. In the year 122 construction of Hadrian’s Wall begins in order to keep hairy-arsed Scots out of Roman England – Swinger should have got this one, but visitor Alistair was picked instead (your Scribe escaped detection, with a Scottish Great-great grandmother!). In 1899 the first person ever to be killed by an automobile, in the US – Lily and Rachel. In 1916 Mary the Elephant was hanged for stepping on her handler, cruelty by crane – this one went to Eveready.

The GM presented a Sabotaging the Hash Team Award to Lewinsky for knocking up the team’s fittest runner pregnant. When he took the award he said he hoped it was him, to which Eveready noted that if it was a girl then yes!
The GM awarded Ben the Changed Apparel Award for running in shoes rather than jandals, and Captain Mortein for getting a shiner from Pirate Princess that he had tried to hide with makeup. The GM had been chatting with Titty Galore, and noted something on her lip, looked like a bite mark, but she insisted it was a cold sore. The GM decreed that a Vampire Award go to the cause of the bite mark, namely Godfather. In terms of the Hash Cash he reminded Crime that it wasn’t enough to pay some cash!

A few months ago Hashers will recall that there was an act of selfless bravery at Lalomanu, and now that Strangler was back we could finally award this one. Turning to the run, Captain Mortein had bumped into the GM, then rolled in the dirt and used the GM to get up only to take off. Poumuli called for this to be made a double for the act of using Poumuli as a cushion against barbed wire.

Coming back to the screaming kids, a Mother’s Award went to Pirate Princess and Sondra. Opening up for nominations POD nominated DMT for her Vailima adverts. Swinger nominated PS for Wanting Ice in the Crotch Award, based on his comments on the relay. This prompted Captain Mortein to nominate the sponsors of the relay teams for the Generosity Award – Poumuli and Lewinsky.

Jeff and Buzzer were caught leaning, and then Tallyho had an absolute epi fit, roaring and ranting about lack of Hash t-shirts being worn in the circle, and generally berating the assembled miserable bastards, and Lewinsky hadn’t called an on-on, etc etc. The GM decided that this had gone on for long enough to bring Tallyho close to an aneurysm, and gave him an FBI Award.

Eveready spoke of creating a very special cake for the weekend party, which he had spent lots of time on only to hear the host telling the kids it was in the shape of a hammer! Susan step forward. Captain Mortein then nominated two hashers who had been training very hard for the relay and must surely collectively have lost 50 kilos – Relay Challenge Award to SOTB and Lewinsky. Poumuli tried to get this doubled as Lewinsky had stayed in front of him the whole way back, taking advantage of the zig zag and false trails, but this backfired. (I was not jealous of his fitness!)

The GM called forth Susan in the absence of the Apia Mad Hash Monk, or Mum as he calls her, and told the Hash that this former telecom worker was leaving us soon. She shall henceforth be known as Callgirl.
The Hares and the Hosts were thanked for an excellent run, with Ring Ring stepping in for Buzzer’s award together with Slippery.

The GM noted that the Perimeter Relay will be an official Hash Run and that those not in the teams should gather for the last leg and run along in support. He also noted that Hot Nuts has offered us his house for the post-relay BBQ, and that there would be a pig, a keg and possibly a lamb. Godfather who will not be with us, pledged two masseuses to slake the pain of the runners.

Watch the blog for next Monday’s run

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1585

The Hash was hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Delicious and Crash Bandicoot in honour of Baby Luana’s birthday. The run – well I have no idea. Wahoo and I arrived late, and the trucks had already set off for the A to B run. Your Scribe went for a trot around the neighbourhood instead, and came back to find the pack trickling in to sample the sweet nuts of Godfather.

Oh well, praises be, SOTB was running and remarkably lucid and non-snarling. He called for anyone new to Apia Hash, and we got Carl from NZ, brought by Godfather, Pippa brought by Ladyfinger, and Adam who said he had been invited by someone called Yoh. Godfather joined in the welcoming down-downs. The rethreads were Chilindrina (in Mexico), Zsa Zsa (off somewhere), Lily and Rachel (buggered off to Savaii), Tooth Fairy (extracting in Savaii), and Michael (doctors orders – apparently you shouldn’t run if you have a social disease). Joining them were Hot Nuts and Susan for being chatty catties during the explanations.

Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky for winning the Rugby World Cup ticket and for going sans wife, Eveready and Karaoke were on TV, and Captain Mortein joined for leaning on the truck.
For this year in history all your Scribe could come up with was the fact that Monica was indeed working at the White House. However, Lewinsky again triumphed with a series of spurious Norwegian events, such as the restriction of women’s voting rights in 1907 (for retarded ones), 1194 death of King Magnus (I am not related) and 1992 the production of the world’s longest salami (well hung we are). Poumuli and Lewinsky accepted their mutually ridiculous accusations.

The GM had been busy at work looking at Facebook and had seen Poumuli complaining about being bankrupted by Wahoo in Singapore. Oh this was going to be a long night. The GM also had a case of a hasher avoiding phonecalls from all and sundry and hiding out in town, finally tracked down and hauled out by the ear – Crash got the Prodigal Husband Award.

A heinous crime had been observed by the GM – Ladyfinger had poured himself a beer and not turned off the tap! Double. On the run there was an incident of chariot riding by Snake, which was doubled for his confusing Poumuli with a left when he meant right. Pirate Princess had taken off before the run with the stroller, and not answering the phone. All agreed that Captain Mortein should take the Jealousy Award for this one.

The Good Samaritan Award went to a hasher who said he was off to work, but instead helped drive Manu Samoa to the airport – Crash. Tallyho was nominated for his erudite scribing, however he insisted that he was on a low beer diet because of antibiotics. Medical opinions were sought, and the consensus was that if he didn’t have a vagina then beer would not interfere with his prescriptions. After much grumbling, wailing and gnashing of teeth he took a double.
Opening up for nominations, POD had invited the inlaws over for a BBQ, lots of people came, and Lewinsky finished the keg at 1 AM. She found him in bed with an orange on his head insisting that he could consume it through osmosis. Arthropod Biology Award to Lewinsky.

Slim Shady nominated Wahoo and Poumuli for leaving her to care for their dog Murdoch, while POD had been on the Savaii ferry with Hot Nuts who was playing a game of shapes and couldn’t get anything to fit. Unable To Groove Award.
Poumuli had attended the Suva Hash and was regaled with complimentary stories about BB, but was also asked about that eurotrash budgie smuggler wearing former film star. The Failing To Make A Good Impression Award went to Zsa Zsa.
The GM noted that the theme was pink, but also that one hasher had taken the theme too far. Slippery got the Wearing Wife’s Clothes Award. Pirate Princess got a cellphonus interruptus award. She got the Captain back for his inability to tell his heroic rescue story in less than two weeks.

Slim Shady, who got the chicken hat two weeks ago, decided that it was a mark of bravery and that Ninja should get it! We also cheered for Crime’s birthday. Michael was nominated for going to the Rugby also sans wife – that should be known as the Lewinsky Sneaky Award.

Slim Shady spotted Horny Ho smoking in the circle and got her a Nicotine Award, while our two PC ladies Lily and Rachel were nominated for 2 years in a row running with the US team instead of Hash. Swinger got implicated for lack of communication, or mismanagement as its called. Lewinsky nominated Snake for the Malpractice Award for doing some electrical work that didn’t work, but it backfired.

On the theme of the run, Slim Shady nominated Swinger for the Shrek Award, wearing two flowers and bending both ways – well his name, duh! Pirate Princess was caught leaning, and then Lily nominated Rachel for singing like a Kiwi. We needed to hear this – so she sang, in a broken cockney-ish lilt. Probably a Tasmanian accent.
The Hosts and the Hare were saluted and dedicated the run to Baby Luana. We then had cake, pigs, lots of food and a never ending keg.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1586 - Slippery @ To'omatagi

Morning All,
Next weeks run is being hosted by Slippery at his home in Toomatagi (next to NUS). The host has kindly offered to provide a spread for the night and as usual, there will be a keg, softies and Godfathers sweet nuts.

There is no theme yet for the run, but check back later on this week in case we decide to have a theme.

Run starts at 1730Hrs so be on time and bring your hash cash :)

On On

Hash Trash 1584

Greetings Hashers from Singapore where I am enjoying a few moments of credit card peace! Tallyho has drafted his usually erudite, rude and browbeating Trash. Enjoy.
On On
Poumuli

AWOL: Absent without leave; not present when required; skiving when duty calls; afraid of a bit or rain; so where was the usual jostling throng of hashmen and meres all eager to join the weekly AHHH run and imbibing; what a complete bunch of fair-weather wussers you all are. There were no apologies, no lame excuses, no reports of having better offers for the evening, but what could there be that would be better than the hash on a Monday night – yes I know what you are thinking but there’s plenty of time for that after. Your stand-in scribe is ashamed of the lot of you.
But enough about those who failed to show; what about the small but hardy bunch of real hashmen and meres who were there, who braved the lowering clouds and gusting winds, who stood shoulder-to-shoulder blocking the pavement outside HQ1, annoying the regular imbibers who sit on the pavement-tables perving the meres wandering past.
The GM seemed very disappointed at the low turn-out and then he must have realised there would be staka fluid-of-sustenance after so he perked up a bit; the pack of about a dozen or so was called to order and Godfather led the way past the AHC on a guided-hare (as oppose to live-hare) run. A left by JICA found the pack face-to-face with a locked gate, so back to Beach Road and down through the Methodist Bookshop and then past Sunshine Restaurant, hang a few rights and lefts and eventually past Lucky’s down to the Tokelau Office to check on AC/DC but no sign of him. Another hang-left, which in the old days would have taken the pack through some of the shiggier bits of Sogi blocked-off, so back to the road, down the flea market and on home.
Not having to keep a watchful eye for the trail this week gave your scribe some time to let his thoughts do the wandering up false trails. It occurred to your scribe that there had been a lot of “letters to the editor” in the Observer about sodomy and adultery, and effectively this week the pack had been turned back as we tried to enter two back-passages that were blocked off. An omen indeed. I would therefore like to suggest that those who wrote those letters to the paper, and who are so against sodomy and adultery, should be invited to join the hash. After all, in-so-far as there are any rules on hash, Rule 1 says: No Poofters on hash; and Rule 2 says to refer to Rule 1, but if one goes to the original Hash Commandments (handed down on the back of a table-napkin –the original hashmen were gentlemen and the tradition continues - all those years ago in Kuala Lumpur), it also states quite clearly that “A Hashman shalt not covet a fellow hashman’s mere”. Now, of course, the hash is also all for good (if usually chaotic) governance, gender equality (especially in DDs), very open to democratic principles, (we elect our mismanagement every year even if it’s not exactly a secret ballot); we have no prejudices about people with strange habits (we shall always welcome Steakman back); we take exercise in healthy ways, we consume a very healthful and performance enhancing beverage, at least I am sure that was what Vailima told us in their advertising in the past; we all like apple pie and love our mums. The hash must therefore be the perfect place for all those grumpy old farts who appeared to be writing themselves into an almost orgasmic frenzy against sodomy and adulterers. They should feel perfectly at home with us. Perhaps we should write to the Observer offering them sanctuary. But of course the hash is also a place of inclusiveness and forgiveness and therefore the hash is happy to welcome all cummers including faafaafines and adulterers (just as well) as long as they are not rooting another hashman or another hashman’s mere or both, well at least not while they’re on the run.
By the time the pack returned a few of the usual late-cummers and out-of-the-woodwork-crawlers had arrived trying to pretend that they had been working or been on-the-job late in the office, so the pack had increased to about two dozen or so with a few others sneaking in during the proceedings. With a full keg and a relatively small turnout this was always set to be a big night for DDs.
Up first were virgins Sean, Shane and Nicki from NZ doing the cooking at Aggies, so the guests were obviously having sandwiches tonight.
The bunch of failures and retreads included Home & Away and Sudso (returning for the first time in ten years and surprised to find Snake, Godfather and Tallyho still looking so sprightly); Laurie, an original “first-footer” for AHHH from 1980 and therefore held in great reverence but the assembled pack, Sassy-girl, Crash, and Seismic who tried to sneak-in late.
There were celebrity awards for Slim Shady and for POD & Lewinsky for coupling in the grandstand at Apia Park.
The day-in-history involved some references to atomic bombs and Russia, awarded to Sean who said he was from Poland which is geographically next to Russia although your Scribe doubts there’s much other affinity; Crash for looking like Michael Jackson – don’t ask me I only record this stuff; Godfather for paddling backwards (or something like that) and Tallyho for representing some grand achievement by a great and glorious Englishman from the past.
The dobs and awards then started to come so thick and fast that your Scribe could hardly keep up with recording names let alone reasons; so we started with Lewinsky for the venue and GM for persuading Lewinsky to provide the venue; then came Snake, Home&Away, Hookalua, SassyGirl, Shane, Yuki, Ben and SassyGirl (again).
The New Shoe inspector spotted the GM (specially bought for the perimeter run), Laurie (not surprising if he last ran in 1980), Sudso (first new shoes Home&Away had bought her since 2001) and Yuki.
Awards for service to the hash went to: Tallyho (Acting Scribe), Slippery (Hashflash), Crash (for bringing the mugs), and Crash and Delicious for conceiving a junior hashman in the making.
Hideo and Kyoto were awarded an award for not having yet received an award when just about everyone-else had had at least two awards during the evening. The Samurai would have been proud of them.
An unsuspecting Aussie couple on holiday who had been staring wide-eyed at the proceedings were dragged into the circle and told by the GM that the hash was an ancient Samoan secret society (or something like that) and that if they wanted to get out they had to do a DD. It seemed a small price for them to pay to be able to observe such a culturally (in)sensitive spectacle.
There then followed a quick Double DD for Tallyho and DD for Lewinsky, Shane, Snake, Hookalua, Laurie and the Hare n Host, Snake, Home & Away, Sudso, Godfather and Armstrong (a late-cumming, non-running virgin working for UNDP).
The GM then called a final award and hash naming for Laurie (Ground Zero) and mere-blong-him Diane (9/11).
By this time the keg was finally beginning to float and many of those who had been called to account appeared to be in a similar state!!
On on and toodle pip

Tallyho

Hash Run 1611

Afternoon All,
Next weeks run is being kindly hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Crash, Delicious and the theme for next weeks run is PINK! so slap on your best pink outfits and come down for what is bound to be a great hash run...

There will be a keg/s as well as a spread provided by the hosts. The run will be at Karaoke and Eveready's place behind Adria's Cakes.

Run starts 1730HRS so be on time. See map below for directions

On On

Hash Run 1584 - HQ # 1 - Cocktails on the Rocks

Afternoon All,

Since no one has offered to host today, the run will be set from HQ #1 - Cocktails on the Rocks. There will still be a keg there and the BBQ will be there, so bring something to throw on the BBQ...and don't all bring Sausages and apples :)

Run starts at 1730 HRS...will see if we can get a hare in time to set the run, if not, then it will be a live run...if you catch the hare, you can do with them what you wish!

Location: Beach Road, next to Italiano's Pizza Bar and V-Bar/Crabbers...

See you all there and bring a change of clothes in case the heavens decide to open up this afternoon

On On

GM

Hash Trash 1583

The Hash was hosted by Screamer and Marc out in Siusega. Captain Mortein and Hot Nuts set out to be live hares, and this announcement was reminiscent of passengers on the Titanic thinking what could possibly go wrong… Lots!

We set out well enough, after the Hares had been given a decent lead, out the back gate, down to the Tafaigata, then we started a series of turns. The Hares were being chased by Cockblocker, Aaron, Road Humper and Poumuli, and a few others, but their vorsprung and speed were such that they were quickly leaving the next lot way behind. Captain Mortein negotiated passage through a garden, but only for the first group. The rest were apparently turned away by an angry lady awakened from her pre-sa’a slumber, and was having none of this. That’s when the trouble started. Your Scribe decided to hang back a bit as we emerged from the garden, and saw someone running through, waved and followed the Hares. This apparently was not a Hasher, but a young local sent to bash the trespassers. Luckily the training was paying off and by the time the next turn was spotted, your Scribe again halted, this time for an incredulous 5 minutes. Where the blazes was the pack? Your Scribe then realized that he too was hopelessly lost, but having run the area before set off on a long trot to train a bit for the perimeter relay. Catching up with Ladyfinger and others on the back road leading to Screamers was a relief, but what a completely buggering Alsatians screw-up of gigantic proportions this was. Thankfully the chilled sweet nuts of Godfather were on display.

Hot Nuts also stepped in as GM as SOTB, albeit present, had some unfortunate social disease. He called on anyone new to Apia Hash and these were Speed Humper from the Honiara Hash, who was joined by her husband Aaron who works at SPREP for Poumuli. They were given a down-down which they started early – poor starting form. The rethreads were Slippery (tired), Curly (working), Greenie (working, hardly), Nutcracker (busy), Horny Ho (seawalling) and Poumuli (hashing in Majuro and Suva). Greenie managed to outlast the singing!

Celebrity Awards went to SOTB, Slim Shady, CB, Horny Ho and FBI for their joint photo in the Observer post the Manu game, with Captain Mortein deemed to be FBI’s closest living relative, and Poumuli for being in the Marshall Islands Journal.
On this day in history there were many: 1770 Captain Cook claims NSW for Britain (Speed Humper), 1888 1st adding machine patented in the US (obviously not working is it – Slim Shady), 1914 in WWI Japan declares war on Germany and promptly bomb Tsingtao and wipe out the brewery for years (Ninja and friend), and finally 1998 Clinton finally admits an “improper physical relationship” with that woman (Lewinsky).

Having finished these awards, Lewinsky shuffled his feet and cleared his throat, and delivered a barrage of incendiary accusations about Norwegian perfidy – 1768 slave ship Fredensborg sinks off Norway (it was Danish!), 1940 Norway surrenders to Nazis (yes, but we held them off since 9 April, longer than most) and 1994 Norway votes against joining EU (I voted in favour, dammit!). A triple down-down was gleefully handed over by Cheshire cat SOTB.

The Shoe Inspector, Snake, was called forth but found no new shoes. Then someone remembered that SOTB’s friend had worn new shoes, hence he should take the award. He quickly turned to the Manu Samoa game, and related how a Hasher had asked him for the Gold Tickets, which he then arranged, only to see said Hasher, your Scribe, sitting on the grass instead. The rebuttal that the seats were god-awful, that you couldn’t get to the bar, and that SOTB should take it instead for touting faulty merchandise fell on deaf ears, so Poumuli again had a Dumbarse Award.

Screamer had gone to assist some Hashers who could not get through the back gate and couldn’t unlock it herself, then found that Snake and Crime had taken the gate off the hinges, as a remedial measure. This should have been a Living Up To Hash Name Award, but our GM was still confused as to where the pack was.

POD nominated Ben for the Human Rickshaw Award for having done the entire run with his offspring on his shoulders. Hornithologist noted that one of the newbies seemed in particular need of down-down training and nominated Aaron. And he still needs training. Slippery had received an email about someone receiving a bravery award, namely AC/DC, which was promptly handed to closest living relative Ladyfinger. Yes, we were all baffled by that one.

SOTB, in his usual ungrateful corner, called out Poumuli for getting some sample Apia Hash caps made – more on this below.
Lewinsky nominated Horny Ho for saying she would bring the BBQ and didn’t, and Hooker Lua for bringing the BBQ without being asked – a Dyslexia Award perhaps? The GM then noted that this would be Steakmans last run for a while and thanked him for setting an entirely new standard for misbehaviour at Hash. The largest glass was found. Captain Mortein was spotted on the cellphone, while Slim Shady brought Swinger up for Correct Samoan Pronunciation Award.

SOTB stepped in as Monk and called for Marc, famous explorer of regions far and nether, who always puts a smile on a certain Hash Mere’s face, who shall henceforth be known as Captain Stabbin’.

Swinger called for a down-down to the other Captain who had forced the Hash to run through sa’a. A new chicken hat had been procured, and as this is an angry chicken Poumuli decided to award it to the loudest squawker in the Hash namely Slim Shady – she had to interrupt her chat to take the award!

The Hosts Screamer, Captain Stabbin’ and chef Darren were thanked in the usual manner.

The GM called for sponsors for the 1st perimeter team, and this will be On The Rocks. Screamer will be Assistant Trainee Scribe for next week’s run. Watch the blog for venue.

In terms of the Apia Hash caps, they come in 4 colours (black, green, brown/grey and camouflage) and 3 sizes (small to medium, medium to large and large to xl). If we get enough orders they will be around 25 tala, with your name on the back. Orders to the GM who will pass to Poumuli. So far we have 23 and should try and reach 60 to get the discounts.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1582

Hash Father’s Day Run

It was a glorious sunny Monday for Father’s day Hash, hosted by Steakman (aka Dirty Old Fart). There were rounds of scrabble, drinks a plenty, and good vibes all round.
The run was set by Steakman (D.O.F.) with toilet paper which he generously recycled after the run. This made some Hasher’s uneasy about using the loo but it was recommended to not use the loo paper that already has shit on it. Minds were eased…
The Hash circle was about to begin when drama on the high seas occurred. Uki, frind of Ninja, was using a paopao for the first time and capsized. CB was encouraged by the entire audience (Hasher know when a good show is about to happen) to grab his paopao and save Uki’s butt. Begrudgingly he did so and hence the title “CB to the Rescue” was chosen for this part of the evening’s entertainment. Needless to say both Uki and CB made it back to shore where no one was given moth-to-mouth much to Steakman’s disappointment!
Newbies: Uki was initiated into the group with a downdown and reminded that he should stick to fa’apapa rather than fa’apaopao. Sondra, Ben’s wife was also introduced to the group and happily chugged her downdown.
Retreads: Ladyfinger and his lady, and Nija and Co all returned to the fold.
Hero Award: Godfather was given the hero award for bringing ice to Tafatafa to guarantee cold beverages! Bravo!
CB to the Rescue Award: CB was given a downdown for saving Uki when we all agreed it would have been more entertaining to watch him float off to Tonga.
Beer Queen Award: was given to Titty G. for bringing extra beers to keep the Hash crew hydrated.
Beach Bum Award: was given to Hookalua and Lorry for saving the fale in order for Hash to have some where to rest its feet.
Beefcake Award: was given to Slimshady for MC-ing Mr. Samoa Bodybuilding Contest.
Springbok Beating Award: Damon and Mark downdowned for Aussie’s triumph over SA deer.
Foul Hooker Award: was given to Lorry for a) ditching the GM’s butt and then going fishing without him only to catch a scrappy ass little fish.

Flex-a-Pec Award: Slim shady awarded Captain Mortein this award for flexing his pecs at her in hopes of being compared to the Mr. Samoa contestants. Good effort but no gold.
Beer Biyatch Award: CB awarded the GM this award for drinking a case of HASH beer “on purpose”.
Leaning Tower of Dirty Old Fart Award: was given to steakman for leaning on the Hash tent.
WTF??? AWARD: Godfather gave this award to Steakman for rambling on in an incoherent fashion.
Too Smart for His Own Good Award: was given to Ladyfingers for wining the Cancer Society Trivia Night (Slim was given a downdown for self-promotion).
Shut the F Up! Award: Was given to Steakman in hopes that he would be too drunk to ramble incessantly any more.
It wasn’t Me Award: false accusation given by GM for latent retread. GM drank begrudgingly (very unusual).
Show ME The Beans Award: was given to Slimshady from Eveready for not bringing her bean salad, scribe pen, and ass to Hash last week.
Hard Ass Award: Given to Susan for what else? Having a hard ass upon which she fell while running.
Pain in the Butt Award: Was given to GM for being a pain from entire Hash Circle.
Prick Award: Oddly, not given to GM this week but handed over to Steakman who is officially Hash’s biggest prick to date.
Are We there yet? Award: Given to Spanky from Slimshady because after noticing they were an hour late wondered “if they would get to Hash late”. Physics still works the same at Tafatafa.
Sleeping Beauty Award: Given to Ninja, Uki, and Koabayahis for falling asleep at Hash Circle.
Runners offered their names for the Perimeter run and Do Me Twice said to contact her for those who wish to offer support.
And a good Hash was had by all.
Slim Shady

Hash Run 1583 - Screamer and Mark @ Screamer's house, Siusega

Morning All,
Next weeks run will be hosted by Screamer and Mark..Mark kindly offered after a few too many beers at hash last week :) much like the GM saying he will run the relay..lol

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food for the run and there will be a keg, softies and God Fathers sweet nuts on Monday. Seeing as there is also a pool there, if you fancy a dip, bring a change of clothes too.

Screamers house is up in Siusega, and i believe its Mark's last run before he heads off again??? Map is below for directions.
Run starts 1730Hrs
On On

Fathers Day Hash Run- Tafatafa Beach with Steakman

Morning All,
Fathers day run next week is being hosted by Steakman down at Tafatafa Beach. As monday is a public holiday, the run will start at 2pm and not the normal 5:30pm. If you could be down there around lunch time...we can all settle in as steak man tells me he has a few extra fun things planned.

For those that want to go earlier...or spend the weekend down there..we will be at the beach fales on the right hand side where we had our last run at Tafatafa.

Steakman is putting on a small pig as well as an Umu and some other goodies...please feel free to also bring something else to contribute to this. There will also be beers on Monday..As its a lot of work to cart a Keg down, and it has to go a few days earlier, hash will supply 4 cases of Vailima instead...and everyone else can bring a little something extra if you feel the urge to party hard on Monday.

Map below for Directions. (Head down to the south coast, take a left when you get to the bottom of the cross island road, Look out for the turn off to Tafatafa, its next to a Mormon Church and the sign on the road reads "Brenda's Beach Fale's"

On On

Hash Run 1581 - CB & DMT

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be a BYO Run at CB's place in Vaoala, opposite the Chinese Embassy. CB is providing the venue but we will all need to bring something for the BBQ. There will be a keg and softies...

There is no theme for tonight, so just bring your running/drinking shoes with you.

Directions: Head up the cross island road and go past Manumea Hotel...take the turn off on the left hand side after the hotel that heads up to Vaiala Beach School...the house is opposite the Chinese Embassy

See map for more details...

OnOn

Hash Trash 1580

The hash was hosted by Hooker Lure and Lenora at the heights of Vaoala, opposite the Shrine. The run had been set by Ring Ring and Buzzer, so we were apprehensively eying her sweatiness when she returned. Didn’t seem too out of breath, so we calmly set off out the gate and around the familiar path by the fence. Except this time we didn’t go straight to the road, so Dave and Poumuli had to make an urgent retreat as the rest of the pack caught up, and Ring Ring berated the idiots who weren’t following her trail. Through the plantation we finally hit the road, followed by some road running, until we again cut through the jungle, across a volley ball game, replete with treacherous holes and toe-stubbing rocks. Upon hitting the next road (Lamosa?) there was a devious false trail, which several Hashers got taken in by. Instead we headed to the Cross-Island Road for a leisurely slog down the hill. There was a moment of surprise as Lewinsky exhibited some competitive spirit by sprinting – well, the Lewinsky version of sprinting, and passing your Scribe at the gate. This was kept in abeyance, as you will see that he got plenty of awards this Hash. A good run, lots of jungle and a nice finish, with innovative use of people’s plantations and properties to keep us on our toes.

SOTB didn’t run, but he was able to stand upright against the mild breeze that was buffeting him. Calling the circle to order, the GM didn’t see any new to Apia Hash, and went straight for the rethreads – Slim Shady (chasing cattle in Oz), Slippery (in Oz for treatments, diving in Vanuatu), and Josh (got sick). All got a down down.
The Shoe Inspector Lewinsky had caught Slim Shady wearing shiny new apparel, which she tried to hide. Complaining that she might have stepped in cow shit with them, she reluctantly took a small cup, yet finished it rather slowly. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli and Hooker Lure for being in the paper. Others were identified but the GM was too slow in calling forth closest living relatives.

On this day in history, slavery was abolished in the British Empire in 1834, but it took them exactly 6 years to actually fully implement it. For this Blatant Inefficiency Award we needed a token Pom, which fell on Swinger. It is also International Friendship Day, and the GM reckoned that Steakman had the fewest friends, so doubled his award. Roman General Mark Antony died this day in 30 BC, so SOTB took one for his namesake. Lastly, in 1998 Monica was granted immunity in return for Grand Jury testimony, so Lewinsky got the Gift That Keeps On Giving Award.
The GM had a special double award for Captain Mortein, first for child abandonment, secondly for being ridiculously attractive to a male cat that drooled on him. Male Pussy Award. As it was the last run for a while for Lenora and Josh, these were called back for a celebratory award – will miss you and please come back.

Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky was quick off the mark with an award for Snake, whom he had spotted by the side of the road in his van with the kids. When asked what he was waiting for, his response was that they were going swimming but he had forgot Fang! Wife Abandonment Award.

Swinger tried to get Hornithologist for fracturing her foot on the beach, but after some debate this was boomeranged on Swinger as an Un-chivalrous Award. POD nominated Spanky for her stellar performance in a dance troupe, and we were treated to a demo of the slap dance prior to the award.
Steakman nominated Stargasm for hushing him on the trail when he was shouting On On, but the GM decreed that Steakman join for the manner in which he shouts On On. Lewinsky then picked up again on his Snake tale, adding the Insult to Injury Award, since Fang had to join her family via taxi.

Poumuli nominated Slim Shady for the Genius Award for winning the quiz night at the Yacht Club. Lewinsky tried to get Poumuli for abandoning Wahoo to watch the rugby at HQ1, but upon clarification that this was not true, she then demanded that the award be given to both Lewinsky and her husband. This was noted for my Christmas List.
The GM noticed that Captain Mortein was shuffling a bit and asked him if he had something on his mind, to which he enquired whether he could nominate the GM for being a prick. The GM accepted graciously, as we don’t call him SOTB for nothing.

Steakman fulminated that the run had been set at short notice, and that this was unfair to Ring Ring. She defended herself by saying the GM had called her late, and she was busy doing something, to which Snake opined that this something was probably Charlie, so in the circle both of them took their award.

Screamer nominated Captain Marc for a Birthday Award (on the 4th). Poumuli nominated Wahoo for being jealous of their dog Murdoch’s success at being a chick magnet. Swinger nominated all the Yanks for not paying their debts – Orgy Georgie, Eveready, Dave, Josh and Spanky took the Debt Ceiling Award.

Eveready then nominated Poumuli for the flags hanging outside Manumea. In his right of reply, Poumuli noted that Eveready had not got the nationalities of the flags right and that they were not a new addition, having been there since the wedding and the scene of the infamous flaming nipple incident. Poumuli got the Norwegian Invasives Award while Eveready joined for the Flaming Nipples Award, amid threats that this might become his new Hash Name.

Curly had been to HQ1 after Hash 1579, had gotten plastered and had to be driven away by Tooth Fairy. He was in such bad shape that he was left in the car, only the next day Tooth Fairy found his car with the doors open, stereo and AC on and no Curly. While this is clearly Hashman like behaviour, it was also eligible for a Cruelty to Tooth Fairies Award for Curly.

Lewinsky has been abused for some time by Eveready for having a girly truck, but when Eveready got a flat tire on his monster vehicle it took him 3 hours to fix and required the help of Crash Bandicoot. Poumuli had brought some Hashshit that had been left behind by Spanky, who quickly retrieved the bag before anyone could see what was in it. Hornithologist informed that part of the bag was from Digicel as Spanky had admitted to washing her cellphone. While not disputing that he should also partake, Poumuli argued that anyone working for a phone company should join for not offering washing machine proof phones. After much ado, Spanky, Poumuli, SOTB and Lewinsky took the award.

Eveready, appreciating that Slim Shady had offered Karaoke her jacket to keep off the chills, but concerned at her statement that the jacket made her boobs bigger, demanded a demonstration, to which Steakman hungrily agreed to be the adjudicator. While the truth of the statement could not be ascertained in the dark by your Scribe, Steakman’s triumphant dancing was enough to seal the award for Slim Shady.
Curly was given a Leavers Award, joined by Captain Mortein trying to induce cellphonus interruptus for the GM, and several who had avoided awards that evening. The Hosts and the Hare were then saluted – Hooker Lure, Lawrie, Tiffany, Lenora and Ring Ring.

A couple of late awards went to Dave, for leaving on a court date, and Eveready for loudly maintaining that Lewinsky drove a woman’s truck.

Your Scribe will be absent for two runs, and we entrusted Slim Shady with Assistant Trainee Scribe duties once more.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1579

The Hash was hosted by Snake, Fang, Venom and Snakebite at the Snakepit #2 in Vaitele. The run had been set by Ring Ring which is always interesting. Out the gate, Hot Nuts and Poumuli led the way up the hill, which turned out to be the right way this time. Several checks had been placed and there was a great deal of back and forth that let the pack stick together for most of the time. While the run was strictly a road affair, there were numerous potential off-track routes that needed to be explored, for which CB was a useful tester. After much circuitous ambling about the backs of Vaitele, we came to a large cross roads, where unfortunately Ring Ring had set two false trails perilously conjoined. Hence a group spearheaded by Kamikaze simply ended up on the way home, while the rest, foolishly following CB had a much harsher end of run. But it was a nice day, not too hot and Godfather’s sweet nuts were beckoning.

SOTB was miraculously capable of standing up, so he called the Hash to order in a proper GM fashion. New to Apia Hash was Tiffany, Shelly’s daughter, who to Steakman’s distress was happily married. The Rethreads were Poumuli, Wahoo, Do Me Twice, Marc and Dave. Lewinsky immediately spotted the blaring new shoes on Wahoo, who un-reluctantly used them as a vessel. Need to stop buying her new boots!

On this day in history, in 864 King Charles the Bald of France ordered particular defensive measures against the marauding Vikings. Pirate Princes had obviously not taken such measures and took the award. It was also the day in 1579 when Sir Francis Drake landed in California and claimed the whole lot for Blighty, so a lone Yank had to be found in the shape of Fang. It was also the Feast Day of St James the Great, which Godfather obliged on behalf of Swinger.

Celebrity Awards went to Shelly (ad in paper), Ninja, Poumuli, Hot Nuts, CB, Zsa Zsa (by Chillindrina) for several photos in the Observer regarding the sustainable development meeting at Tanoa, and to Godfather for apparently being the focus of a Close to Home cartoon featuring short-short speedos.

A special celebrity award was given to Lewinsky for a) hosting a regional big-wig at On the Rocks, b) normally his guests are taken away by the cops, not brought there by the cops, and c) for the first time in history he turned the music down before the curfew!

The GM had noticed that one of the Hash Meres was acting a bit like a jolly happy bunny rabbit, and questioned Screamer as to why this was. A simple no comment sufficed. The GM had also arrived early, and finding a fellow Hasher who is normally accompanied by his wife, was informed that Eveready was here single so he could check out the women. But unfortunately Karaoke arrived after all. A special present in the form of a booby can cover was presented, which Eveready kept wearing under his shirt!

Captain Marc back from his va’a voyaging was welcomed back by the GM, and to celebrate had a down down with Captain Mortein – captains united indeed! Dumass introduced the Latecummers Tony, Diana and Mark who will be representing Samoa at the SPG in Noumea. The Keeper of the Hash Mugs was then questioned about their non-appearance, to which Lewinsky claimed to have been attacked by hooligans and robbed on the way to Hash. This was up there with my homework ate my dog.
Opening up for nominations, Princess of Darkness nominated Kamikaze for his imminent departure and for being the first Hasher to bring a suitcase to Hash. This dedication to Hash was deemed needing a large one, as Kamikaze was on his way to airport straight from Hash. Wouldn’t want to sit next to him on the plane! Hot Nuts joined him for a Sparking Confusion Award for trying to explain why the suitcase.
Sassygirl BJ nominated Steakman for the Early Bird Award for getting to Hash before everyone and then parking himself next to the keg – before the run! DMT nominated CB for his attempted airport pick-up in which he managed to break off his carkey in the petrol lock. Interrupting this flow, the GM nominated Horny Ho for the Pimping Award, for trying to set up a lady with a married man.

The Mad Hash Monk appeared out of nowhere, and called for a naughty Hash Mere, who was a bit of a hooker (in touch rugby, mind you) and an avid fisherwoman who plays with hooks and lures. From henceforth Shelly shall be known as HookerLua.(I noted that the GM has a different spelling for her - needs to be sorted)

Proboner was a latecummer again, and Captain Marc, in the French equivalent of an FBI speech, asked the Hash to send some good thoughts to the va’a crew – which the GM decided that Marc could do for us. The GM also called forth soon to be leaving Snake Family, with Snake taking a double for not checking that his offspring was capless during the award.

Poumuli presented some gifts he had picked up on his travels. Since Tiger Woody is less frequent, and Monica is blown even less frequently, he presented Lewinsky with an alternative On-On instrument, a whistle tastefully shaped like an organ. Lewinsky had POD blow it, but even she was complaining she couldn’t get her lips around it – oh dear. The GM who is known to undergo quite some stress, was given a special stress reliever squeeze to in the shape of a booby.

The Hare and the Hosts were then saluted in the traditional manner. There was also some discussion about the Father’s Day Run, which if it does turn out to be a public holiday will be organized at Tafatafa by Steakman.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1580 - Huka Lua & Lenora @ Vaoala

Morning All,
Apologies for the late posting. There's been a change of host's for next weeks run. It was originally supposed to be with Mike & Renee at Y-Not Bar, but now, it will be hosted by Huka Lua & Lenora up at Huka Lua's (Shelly's) Home in Vaoala.

Head up the Cross Island Rd and turn off where you see the sign for Le Spa Le Lalelei just before the entrance to the Shrine of 3 Hearts. Head right down to the end of the driveway.

There will be a keg as usual and the hosts will be providing the food. Make sure to bring a change of clothes as it gets a bit chilly up there in the evenings.

See Map below for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1578

Greetings all - another fine literary piece from Tallyho.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Know Your Fellow Hashmen and Meres
FRB - Front Running Bastards (eg,CB, Hotnuts, Seismic, Zsa Zsa, Pussysnatcher, and other such nose-in-air hashmen )
FWB - Front Walking Bastards, usually only found at the start of the run as the pack shambles off in search of paper, often gossiping hashmeres and tamaititis who only run 50 yards before getting puffed
MRB - Middle Running Bastards, solid hashmen all including Godfather, Swinger, Poumouli, Tallyho, Lewinsky, and hashmere Ring Ring as well as SOTB, Steakman, Kiwi and Crime (when they’re not SCBs)
BRB - Back Running Bastards, the Whippers-in of the BWBs, (Snake is usually the hashman here), and other mature hashman such as Orgy, EverReady, hashmeres SassyGirl and Karaoke on a good day)
BWB - Back Walking Bastards most of the hashmeres and the really old and decrepit hashmen
SCB - Short Cutting Bastards, e.g. Kiwi, Crime, Snake, when he isn’t a BRB, and Steakman when he can find another SCB who knows the trail
NRB - Non Running Bastards, aka Late Cumming Bastards usually found already lurking by the keg when the FRBs get back from the run, e.g. Crash & AC/DC.'

How long is a piece of string? How short is a short-bread biscuit? These are a just couple of the questions that have exercised the minds of the great philosophers for centuries. So here we were on Monday posed with a similar philosophical challenge by the hare SOTB; “when the FRBs get half way round the trail they should stop and call a hash-halt to let the BWBs catch-up”. So there we had a conundrum to exercise the collective minds of the assembled pack, well collectively the pack would be hard-pressed to make one single mind between them, as it shuffled, as ever, down the garden path into the unknown. So there was the question: the pack knew the start point for the run, and it knew the end point for the run, but the bit in the middle was hidden as if by Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility. So how would the FRBs know when the half-way point of the had been reached; the philosophers of old might have argued that since we knew the start point and we knew the end point and they were at the same place then the half-way point must also be at this point of singularity.

Therefore the hash-halt should happen at the moment we started the run, and if this was half-way then we simply needed to turn round and we were back at the keg of the fluid of sustenance without actually going anywhere. But since the keg was still warm this was not really an option for the true hashman and the pack headed-off in search of paper. Several smart-arse FRBs led by Tallyho headed to the main road and checked up and down before the cry of on-back was called and the pack staggered-off through the bush at the back of the petrol station. Clearly this area is not often visited by such a motley assortment of specimens; some dressed as pirates and some dressed as vagrants – well Steakman was just dressed as himself. The dogs were in a frenzy, the tamaititi were wide-eyed in fear, running away with cries of “palagi palagi” no doubt remembering the age-old threat that if they misbehaved the palagi would come and take them away and sell them into slavery in Peru, and the local-lads actually stopped playing touch and volleyball in amazement at seeing the hash pack appearing from the bush. So it was finally out into Vaiusu Road and left up towards the sports complex. Up Vaiusu Road, up the road some more and up the road even more until about half-way up the FRBs led by ZsaZsa with relatively new hashmen Mike and Ben took a right, followed by Hotnuts, Tallyho, Seismic, Kamikaze and hashmere Lenora. As ever the FFRBs were nose-in-the-air arse-in-gear running headlong into oblivion and would have been half-way to Vaitele if Hotnuts had not been keeping his beady little eyes open and spotted a cunningly hidden on-back “X” of paper behind a container.

So back down to Vaiusu Road and up ever more until the Talimatau Road was reached by the Sepp-Blatter-Vote soccer pitches. It was here that the philosophical question of whether this might be “half-way” was debated. Some said yes, others notably Hotnuts said no, and that in his opinion “SOTB was a responsible hare and would have marked the hash-halt properly”. This statement was met with general derision, and about as true as saying that Steakman could be a Tom Cruise lookalike; Swinger just kept checking looking for paper, but the majority really couldn’t care a stuff, they were just thankful for a breather after a very long climb up the road. And so on-down towards the Vailoa Road where even Hotnuts agreed a hash-halt should be called and the remnants of the pack gradually came together. By this time the pack was spread out from Vailoa Road to somewhere in Vaiusu and only about a dozen or so hashmen and meres reached this HH. Having been a road-run almost all the way so far, would the hare at least show some initiative and take the pack through the reserve to see the old hydropower station that was sadly missed last week too. No clearly not, it was straight down Vailoa Road. And was that paper from EverReady and Karaoke’s run from last week, who knows?? Somewhere down the road there was a deviation to the left but by this time the pack was heading for the by-now cold keg and the scent of the fluid of sustenance drove them on home.

Know Your Hash Trail
Regular clumps or strands of hash-paper; you’re on the trail, stick with it, you can’t go wrong if you are on-paper unless you cum across:-
Circle of paper; this is a hash check, check for the true trail in all directions, this will be signified by the reappearance of regular paper, or if you find a
X (Crossed paper); you are on a False trail, check back to last sighting of paper or last hash check and search for the true trail
HH; indicates a Hash Halt, stop and wait till the BRB’s and BWB’s have caught up, unless they make no effort to run, in which case leave the bastards behind. However breaking Hash Halt before the on-on command is a dobbable offence
HP; this is a Hash Pause, don’t wait for the BWBs to catch-up, just spot them in the distance get going again, leave the bastards to find their own way
Paper stops, same as X you’re on a falsie, check back and search for the true trail
Paper scattered all over the trail; some little tamaititi has destroyed a check or X, use initiative, or give up and return to keg
No paper; you’re lost; head for the setting sun or the keg of the fluid of sustenance, whichever is closer
On On

SOTB as the hare, clearly reckoned that he couldn’t handle the responsibility for the trail and the circle so Hotnuts was summarily called to be Guest GM for the evening. To start there were no new footprints/virgin runners but a gaggle of failures were called or pushed forward to explain themselves: Snake had been in NZ feeding the chooks, Snake Bite & Venom had been at school, Kamikaze had been in the land of the rising sun, and Ben and Mike had been in Oz… watching rugby?? Kamikaze had been away so long that he forgot to remove his hat and so got another DD to remind him next time he holidays in Samoa. Venom had new shoes, Sassy and SOTB got a media award for the family being on TV and Swinger nobly stepped forward to take the media award for Godfather, who had appeared on the radio, but had pulled a fetlock and gone lame on the run. Good job he’s no longer in the FRB racing-stable but more of a stud-stallion otherwise he would have been dispatched to the knackers yard.
For this day in history Captain Mortein, as usual, found himself being called forward as the nearest living relative to a Bolshevik for the execution of the Czar in 1918, and Ben as a Swiss Cheese was the nearest thing the hash had to a Frog for Bastille Day. Sassy celebrated Ted Kennedy’s crash at Chappaquiddick in 1969 by having a crash herself during the week, and Steakman got the Nelson Mandela birthday award for probably being the oldest hashman, well at least he looks like the oldest hashman. This week in history Monica started work at the Clinton White House and Lewinsky was proud to do a swallow for her, although he was standing and she, by all accounts, was probably kneeling when doing hers.

It was the International Day of Justice but since ProBoner was still AWOL at this point her closer living rellie stepped forward, who else but Lewinsky, and like his namesake always happy to do a swallow in the cause. In the same vein, so to speak, Orgy celebrated the mapping of the syphilis genome in 1998, thereby making the cure easier and making orgies less risky for all hashmen. Poumouli had advised your scribe not to forget that it was St Arsenesis’ Day, where he finds these saints days I have no idea, they must have very strange religions in darkest Norway, and how TG came to get the DD for this has been smudged on the scribes notes. For this day in AHHH history, 15 years ago Akira set the run (791) in Vaoala where the hash saw a wonderful sunset over Savaii from the top of the hill above Moamoa; Kamikaze as Akira’s nearest living rellie stood in for the DD; ten years ago the hash had a run (1062) at Afiamalu and made its one-and-so-far-only run to radio/tv masts the top of Mt Fiamoe; the veterans of that run were Karaoke, EverReady, Tallyho, Fang and Snake.

With the smell of fresh DD in the nostrils the pack was now baying for more dobs: Mike and Ben were first-up for being the FRBs failing to spot the paper, they claimed they were under instruction from ZsaZsa who had already buggered-off so Tallyho gave an exhibition of how FRBs should be looking-looking as well as running-running. Mike and POD were next-up, or rather sat-down on the ice, for the ignominy of being Australians to be gloated over for the loss to the Manu. Some perverted hashman was quick to study the relative rates of ice-melt from Mike and POD rear ends on the bags of ice; Mike’s arse was clearly hotter than POD’s, but I suppose only Lewinsky could comment on the latter so we’ll move on. Lenora was awarded a special for the being the FRBitch, as she began to flag in the swallow Hotnuts was quick to grab the mug to finish the DD. Crime got a good Samaritan award for leading the lame Godfather back to the stable and Snake and Steakman got the SCB-of-the-week award. SqueakyClean and Stargasm appeared in something called the Attway publication; your Scribe is not sure what this is but must have something to do with hasmeres. Hotnuts took a DD for being GM but not wearing a hash shirt, and Toothfairy, Tina and SOTB took their’s for the hosting and hares, and also for being “best-dressed” as pirates. At this point a fresh-looking ProBoner appeared and took a DD for being selected for the SPG Judo team, so she must be a good defence counsel in more ways than one. The keg was now beginning to float so the delicious food was most welcome, and most enjoyable so many thanks to the hosts for a great spread.

Toodle Pip and On On
Tallyho

Hash Run 1579 - Snake Family @ Snake Pit 2 in Vaitele

Morning All,

Next weeks run will be hosted by the Snake Family at the Snake Pit 2 at Vaitele (Senese School). We've done a few runs from here so you should all know the directions to the place. There is no theme for Monday but check back later on in case there is a change.

As usual, there will be a keg and food on Monday, so bring your Hash Cash and running shoes....There is also word that the hash Monk will be there on Monday...provided there are no ash clouds that will slow down the monks long journey.

Map is posted below for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1577

Ni hau from Shanghai. Below an excellent and amusing account from Tallyho.
On On Poumuli

If Cecil B De Mille had ever made a blockbuster movie about the Hash, a sort of Ben Hur without the chariots, I am sure the opening scene would have resembled Karaoke and EverReady’s garden on Monday evening. A motley throng of thousands of extras, ill-dressed in some sort of Maoist pink (more like poofter pink in CB’s case), milling about aimlessly as if waiting for a great leader to step forward, call them to order and to inspire them into some revolutionary action that would change the history of the world. And of course someone does step forward, not exactly Spartacus or Moses to lead the AHHH pack forward to glory, but AHHH has SOTB, our less-than-great-and-glorious GM: “Hashmen and meres”, he mumbled, “it’s set on paper, just wander down to the road and check it out from there”. And so the words that launched a thousand hash-feet on their way into the nether regions of Lotopa were not quite in the same league as King Henry before Agincourt or Churchill at the Battle of Britain, or even Peter Pan encouraging Wendy, Richard and Tinkerbell to fly, but it got the pack shuffling off down the driveway, more like Napoleon’s retreat from Moscow. Once on the Lotopa Road Tallyho checked left and everyone else turned right, guess who was right, not the one who went left. On down towards Lepea, past the beautiful and tidy Lepea Green and then left down over the bridge and into the dry bed of the Lepea stream. No wonder Lepea Green looks so neat and tidy, the villagers just throw all their rubbish into the stream-bed waiting for the rain to come and wash it away into Vaiusu Bay. What a mess; what about the Samoa Waste Management Policy, what about the Environment Policy; where are the guardians of the region’s environment those eco-warrior stalwarts of the South Pacific Recreation and Entertainment Programme, commonly known as SPREP?? At least one encouraging sign of enterprise was a couple of kids in the stream-bed sitting on a rock amongst all the rubbish with a small tray of cigarettes and lighters and what looked like bingo markers, soliciting for business from the hash-pack. Now if they had had an esky of cold beer they might have made a few sales. Anyway a kilometer of stumbling over dead nappies, dead dogs and empty eleni and corned beef cans brought the pack up onto a link road between Lotopa and Tulaele and out into Tulaele Road. Much to your scribe’s amazement SOTB was already there directing the pack across and into Vailoa Road, where even more amazingly Steakman was almost an FRB. I say “almost” because the real FRBs had done their usual arse-in-gear-nose-in-air caper and headed off into the dim distance with nary a call of “on-on” or checking of the false trails. By the time the Talimatau Road was reached the pack was spread out across every road in Lotopa, Tulaele, and Vailoa. Your scribe thinking that the hare might possibly have shown some initiative and taken the pack through the botanic reserve checked it out, but to no avail, it was left and left again and on home. As the pack neared home SCBs, BWBs and the generally lost could be seen returning to the fluid of substance from all points of compass as the sun set over Lotopa. Surely this run could not have been set by that upstanding hashman EverReady…. so who was really responsible …..

After allowing a suitable time for the pack to replace lost fluids the GM called the circle to order, and an impressive number of new footprints/hash virgins stepped or were thrust forward: Mike from HNL (brought by CB/Swinger); someone from WLG brought by Tickled/Seismic; Mike and Kane brought by Hotnuts and Nutcracker; Dori from AKL and Coney from US. If the scribe has misspelled your names it’s cos the lead in his pencil had gone soft and smudged his note book. Anyway welcome and hope you cum back again, especially you young (and not-so-young) meres.
Then we had a staka retreads and failures: Fang has been in Kiwiland being bitten by Snake; ZsaZsa had been trying to learn how to play in a band, Shelley, Dizzy, Lady Finger and Dry Nuts and a few others whose names also fell foul of the Scribe’s smudges.

After this we had few new boots too: SassyGirl. Molia, Lenora and Shelley, some expensive looking runners, and shiny white to... what sensible hashman ever buys new white shoes???

And then we could wait no longer to find out who was the hare….. step forward Crash…. Anyone surprised by this revelation…..???
Moving into the dobs the GM, much to everyone’s surprise (NOT) called up Captain Mortein and blamed him for the weekend’s riots, don’t ask me, I have no idea how the GM’s mind works, if indeed it does.

HornyHo was then dobbed for perving her (male) cousin’s nipples, or was it the male cousin perving HornyHo, or maybe it was female cousin…. Well you get the gist anyway
Screamer had another 24th (or was that 44th ) birthday and Lewinsky and ToothFairy were dobbed for wearing their wives’ pink T-shirts. Personally the Hash Scribe thought that Lewinsky was just a big-girls blouse anyway, his T-shirt would have been a tent on poor POD.

There followed a “kinky pornstar” dob from the GM to Godfather and TG, this seemed to take Godfather by surprise, although TG did look rather flushed….
Dumbarse was caught for dropping ginger hairs in everyone’s fluid of sustenance, and Hotnuts got dobbed by Mike, or was it the other way round. SassyGirl dobbed Mustang Sally and Seismic got one for not warning the hash before the earthquake on Sunday.
Captain Mortein was called forward by Spanky for allowing his daughter to wander round in knickers with holes, CaptainM blamed Pirate Princess who took the mug.
For this day in history Slippery took one for being the only Australian to celebrate the formation of federal Australia, EverReady was proud, sort of, to recognise the birth of the founder the Budweiser brewery, Captain Mortein celebrated (under much sufferance) being the nearest thing the hash has to a Swede to celebrate the anniversary of the Swedish navy’s victory over the Russian fleet in 1790, they hung-up their oars after that and became neutral so at least they went out on a win; Swinger stood up for King James III of Scotland who was born on this day in 1452 and Spanky, an inspired choice since her Dad was a doughnut vendor on some street corner in the states, took a big swallow for the inventor of the doughnut cutter in 1872. Yes the doughnut cutter it is a patented invention, who would believe it.
And finally on this day in history, ten years ago Wild Bill donated Monica to AHHH, unfortunately Kiwi and Monica were AWOL so this momentous event was celebrated by Lewinsky.

By this time the pack was getting into some serious dobbing, or score settling it seemed in some cases. But who could complain when the hash’s eco-warriors CB, Screamer, Pussysnatcher and Swinger were called forward in shame for failing to save the environment in the Lepea Stream.

Tallyho was dobbed for failing to spot any celebrities in the media, his defence that he didn’t work for SPREP and wasn’t able to spend all week reading the papers fell on stony ground; he was joined by Spanky, Snatch & Pussysnatcher who were all spotted in the foto of the 4 July party. Sassygirl was caught on Facebook admitting she had been unable to get herself up on Mt Vaea, and Hornyho had another dob for something to do with the GM’s nipples…. Don’t ask. Shelley was lauded as a welcome returner and she promised to cum again.

And finally (I think, at least that’s where the Scribe’s notes stop) EverReady and Karaoke stepped forward to loud acclamation from the assembled throng for a great evening as ever, including two kegs and delicious food, and a toast to absent friend and much missed hashmere Desirable, who was no doubt looking down with a smile from the great hash in the sky. For the rest of evening eating, drinking and music from AC/DC, Godfather and assorted other buskers and warblers held sway and another memorable Monday evening was had by AHHH.

On On - Tallyho

Hash Run 1578 - Tooth Fairy, SOTB & Tina - Vailoa

Hello All,
Next weeks run is being hosted by Tooth Fairy, SOTB & Tina at Tooth Fairy's home in Vailoa. The hosts will be providing the food for the evening, so no need to bring anything. There will be a theme for the run, and it is "Pirates of the Caribbean" so don your coolest Pirate Gear and see you all there.

There will be a keg as usual and the run starts at 1730HRS. Please also make sure you bring your hash cash on Monday :)

See map for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1576

God morgen Apia Hash from the mountains of Norway. Wahoo and I are enjoying our vacation and a good laugh at the Trash provided by Tallyho below. Enjoy

On On
Wahoo and Poumuli, IKA Slit



Our hare for tonight, Swinger, stood in his garden grinning like a Cheshire cat having just spent a month in Fiji attending various workshops, cocktail parties, creating large carbon footprints and ensuring that BB was being “taken care of”. No wonder he had solicited the assistance of various assistant hares for the evening, he must have been exhausted… After a short circle to tell the baying pack that it was out the gate turn right we were off. Hornithologist led way with another front-running mere and off they went right and right again towards Tafaigata. They quickly came to a halt as Hornithologist tried to decide whether the tangle of paper on the ground by the first EPC pole was a nest created by the Greater Spotted Hash Warbler or simply an “on-back”. As all good hashmen know “never follow a FRB hashmere” unless of course said hash mere is very nubile and wearing a pair of short-shorts. Thus following this sound advice Tallyho was already on his way on-paper up the Aleisa Road. CB, Hotnuts and various other assorted FRBs [that means Front Running Bastards – ed note] were soon way in front, noses in the air, arses in gear heading for Tanumapua. Fortunately some of the middle-running bastards were actually looking for paper and the true trail was down towards the Orator Hotel, left by the hotel gate and off the FRBs went again. Bugger-me these FRBs only go in straight lines and never see paper. It was Tallyho, a hashman with a good trail-sniffing nose, especially when his nose is leading the way into a bush, to find the trail off to the right. Under some dangerous head-high barbed wire, round a few corners and the pack was off towards Tafaigata on the back-road. Finally getting back onto the main road CB and the FRBs were off again not bothering to check any of the false trails down towards Vaitele. But some real hashmen and meres had to check them and Hotnuts, Lewinsky, Hornithologist were seen straggling back from the nether regions. For those who followed the paper, a long on home took the trail round the back of Swinger’s house and up then back from Siusega. A few misguided hashmen thought they could get in through Swinger’s back-passage but an encounter with Greenie’s pikininis, barbed wire fences, a white a stallion and a locked gate meant that these short-cutters ended up arriving back last.


In the absence of the GM and any other volunteers, Hotnuts was apparently elected as the guest GM for the evening. Much to everyone’s surprise there were no new footprints this week, but this was made-up for by a stack of retreads: Swinger had been servicing BB in Fiji; Hotrod had been somewhere; Very Busy had been very busy, as had been Nutcracker although it was not clear whether Nutcracker and Very Busy had been very busy together, and then there was CB who had been sailing somewhere.
AC/DC failed to finds any new shoes, but by general acclamation Screamer got a DD for her leather boots.

Swinger got the media award for something or other, and Orgy Georgy, Karaoke, Steakman and a few others got an SCB [short-cutting bastards, ed note] award for not following the trail round the back of Swinger’s estate.

For some reason many hash runs have recently had fancy dress themes, it’s a bit of a worry especially when some hash men seem to really like dressing-up, what’s wrong with wearing a regular hash shirt. Anyway DMT, Captain Mortein, Lewinsky, Very Busy, Hotrod and assorted others got dobbed for not dressing-up. On the other hand Screamer, Swinger, Wax, Hornithologist, and CB were all commended by the GM for looking like complete pillocks. Steakman also got a commendation but it’s so difficult to tell whether he is dressed-up or just dressed-normal, well normal for him anyway.

Being 4 July assorted Yankees were brought forth, including Orgy Georgy Senior and Junior and EverReady.
Screamer and Wax were dobbed by each other for something to do with watered down gin, that well known cause of mothers ruin, and both of these meres look pretty ruined already, watered down or not.

CB was dobbed for paddling backwards and going round in circles, AC/DC took the events in history for Samoa changing the dateline 110 years ago and now going back to the other side, captain Mortein is the only Dane to keep a slave in Pirate Princess after Denmark banned slavery on this day in 1848 and DMT was proud to take the Pamela Anderson and Gina Lolobridgida big boobs birthday award. In AHHH history Swinger stepped forward as Godfathers n-l-r to commemorate the thirteenth anniversary of AHHH 900th run on this day in 1998 held at Margeritas of blessed memory. Ring Ring thrust herself forward to commemorate setting the run exactly ten years ago when the hash was traumatized by the sight of Insecurity in a wrap-around tea-towel. It was a horrible sight then, just imagine how much worse it must be ten-years on, poor Ring Ring.

And almost finally it was farewell to Wax. With the 1600th coming up we need to practice our rendering of the hash anthem so this was a fitting occasion to start our practice. The rousing choruses of the Hash Anthem complete with actions wafted over Siusega,, but some of you bastards need to concentrate and shape-up. There’s not enough feeling being put into the actions. Anyway it’s on-on to Wax as she searches for her destiny in Kiwiland.

And so to the assorted hares; wax, Swinger and his mate Gretel with Wax. A good run, great kai and a fun evening as always.

On On
Tallyho