Monday, December 28, 2009

End of Year Hash Run

Mahalo to you all. Hope you all had a great Xmas weekend. As there are no hosts for today, the run will be a BYO End of year Run at the STA Fale in town. Run starts normal time at 1730hrs.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Hash Party Later Saturday

After Shafter's unveiling in Vailele followed by some of his favorite ice cold drafts at headquarter's (See the announcement and map below), take a break, hose down, then come out to the Tropicana nightclub at 8 PM and dance. Join your hash mates for some cold drinks, fun dancing, and great company.

On On!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Shafters Gravestone Unveiling- Saturday 20th December 2009

Talofa AHHH,

This coming Saturday, 20th December 2009 will be Shafter's Gravestone Unveiling at 4pm. This will be done up at the grave site and it would be great to see you all there. This will be followed by a few drinks at HQ at approx 5pm onwards.

Also, Flo is asking if anyone has access to a tent that we could use on the day. If you have a small tent/marquee, please contact Flo on 7268765. It would be much appreciated. If Ive missed anything out, please contact Flo or POD for more details.

Map is below.
On On

Hash Trash- Run 1495

Hash Trash 1495

Being a creature of the night, your scribe rarely manages to make it to Hash on time. Yet somehow this week I managed to turn up early, only to be greeted by a shirtless Hot Nuts encouraging all and sundry to do stretches, which he then demonstrated. Note to self: turn up at the usual 5:35pm next week.

Hosted by POD, Lewinsky, Happy Feet and Pro Boner, Taumeasina is always a good venue for Hash, and a reasonable pack of about twenty five Hashers did the run. Many more turned up for the circle and BBQ only. Sure it’s near Christmas, but that’s no excuse! It’s all the more reason to exercise before all the drinking and debauchery. Down downs for all those who don’t do the run next time GM?

After the run I enjoyed a swim at twilight with cousin-of-vampire Mele, and must thank the lovely Zsa Zsa for bringing us beer while we swam.

The circle, led by GM POD, was raucous and rowdy.

New boots were Tamlyn, a volunteer whose been in Samoa for nine months doing permaculture (‘Is that like a hairdresser?’ SOTB quipped), and three girls on holiday from New Zealand, all brought along by SOTB. It was not clear if these were new girls or part of the ten that earned him last week’s slut award.

Retreads were Delicious, Lezzie, Flash, Emmy and JC.

As there were no new boots, AC/DC took a down down. He was fast, even by my standards!

Incredibly enough, your Lesbian Vampire Killer took out the celebrity award for the second week in a row for having a picture in the paper. Poumuli, come back! I’m not used to this attention. I dragged in Tamlyn for having been in the same picture, giving Tam her first, and perhaps only, down down.

Reaching new lows for the Hash House Harriers, Vai Vai once again lashed out at a fellow Hash man. Last week it was throwing stones at a Hash man, this week it was dirt. What’s next Vai Vai? Let him without sin cast the first stone, etc, etc.

One of the Hash Marys, Emmy, had celebrated a birthday in the last week, and made the mistake of trying to keep up the pace set by JC, a seasoned drinker. Cue to Emmy throwing up, with JC rubbing her back in support. Emmy’s boyfriend Flash comes along... and rubs JC’s back! Down downs for all three.

The GM asked if any Hashers had ever been asked by SOTB if they’d like a drink. No one could remember such a momentous occasion occurring. Yet there he was, asking his female guests if they would like drinks. A large down down was awarded to SOTB for ‘playing waitress to the ladies’.

For neglect in the line of duty, Lewinsky was given a down down for a situation where a patron of headquarters was hit in the head by a flying beer bottle.

Slippery awarded Mr Whippy a t-shirt from the boutique retail outlet that is Mr Lava Lava which said ‘Beer Delivery Guy’. He awarded your scribe an extra large men’s t-shit from the same boutique announcing me as a ‘Chuggin’ Monkey’. I think I prefer being a vampire to a monkey. Find me a vampire t-shirt in a ladies size 12 Slippery! Down downs for all three.

Sassy gave Vai Vai and Slippery down downs for being inappropriate on the run and discussing her virginity! One Hash man told her how to become a virgin again, while the other offered to ‘test out her virginity’.

SOTB awarded Ray Charles the dangerous driving award for driving some Hash men home from Le Manumea in the wee hours of Friday morning on the wrong side of the road. Taking the right of reply, Ray Charles said, ‘they made me do it!’ Lewinsky retorted that Ray Charles never leaves his red pick up anywhere but at home or at work. Case closed.

AC/DC was given an award for failing his ethics exam at work – allegedly the pass rate was 80%, while AC got 20%. He re-sat the exam, and somehow passed. Sassy asked ‘Who did you copy off?’ Madam GM retorted, ‘Not you!’

SOTB tried to accuse Sassy of leading him astray from his efforts to lose weight by suggesting fatty curry for lunch. This backfired and SOTB was made to drink.

AC/DC awarded FBI an award for ‘the only idiot who looks like he’s in the sun’ for wearing sunglasses. FBI challenged AC/DC as ‘a guy who’s passed his ethics exam yet calls people idiots’. FBI refused to remove his sunnies on the first down down and was made to keep drinking until he did.

Sassy gave Lezzie a down down for being irresponsible and not booking a meeting room.

Flash gave Delicious an award for failing to deliver a keg which she drank at her usual fast speed. Sensational, as Lewinsky would say.

SOTB gave Crash a down down for hiding last week and avoiding his down downs.

To wrap up the circle, the hares Sassy and SOTB and hosts Lewinsky and Pro Boner drank.

Our beloved Godfather was sad to announce that for the first time in Apia Hash history, he will not be able to attend the Christmas run. He was given a down down while AC/DC played maestro and a few carols were sung after the circle.

Post circle our hosts put on a delicious feed and Slippery managed to terrorise even our youngest Hash Marys – Happy Feet and Annalisa – by taking 380 photos during the night. A new personal record apparently.

This week’s run is the Christmas Run. Dress up in your finest Christmas costume, bring salads, pupu (nibbles) and if you’d like to help out, turn up at the Snake Pit from 3pm Monday.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Hash Christmas Run- 1496 @ The Snake Pit

Ho Ho Ho...Next weeks run will be the Hash Xmas run at the Snake Pit. Dress up in your best X-mas Gear and as per the norm, we will be doing our visits (Pub Crawl) to a few other establishments around the town area, singing a few Christmas Carols and having a few beverages.

Hash will be providing the meats for the BBQ/Dinner, and if the Hasher's could bring something to accompany the Meats, be it a Salad, or something else, that would be much appreciated. (much like the Thanks Giving Run)

GM has also advised that its best to take a taxi on this night or car pool with a sober driver as we have a SPECIAL BREW on Monday! Snake will provide transport for all others that come by taxi on the night...except for those who live out by the airport...You have been warned..hehe

Map is below if you don't know where the Snake Pit is. See you there!

On On

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

A little something from Poumuli

Heres a little note from Poumuli. Happy Reading..looks like he wont be back for some time!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbours as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty titbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down , if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

Friday, December 04, 2009

Hash Run 1495 - Lewinsky, POD, Happy Feet, & Probona

G'day to you all. Next weeks run will be hosted by Lewinsky, Probona, Princess of Darkness, and Happy feet at their home in Taumeasina. Head out towards Moataa and turn into the Taumeasina Reserve and head over to their house. Bring a change of clothes if you fancy a dip in the ocean after the run. You may already be wet from the run so bring some dry clothes. Run starts normal time: 1730 hrs.

On On.

Late note: Saw Lewinski Sunday morning. Said, "Bring some togs and a smile." Later adding, "...grumpy people can stay home!" :) It should be another fantastic Hash.

Hash Trash - Run 1494

As your trusty scribe Poumuli is away, he has passed over his taser quill to Lesbian Vampire Killer, who is honoured to take on the role of sub-assistant-vice-trainee-scribe in his absence.

Hosted by Tony Blair and Selena at Tuaefu, and attended by a pack of close to forty, the trail was notable for a huge amount of dogs and a trail no one managed to find successfully. Hailing as I do from Transylvania (or is it Lesbos?) your scribe enjoyed the slightly cooler weather and bit of rain that occurred during the run.

GM for the night was initially POD, and later SOTB.

Newbies were Nat and Matt from Australia, brought along by Sassy Girl and here for a bit of business, a bit of a holiday; Karen from Queensland who is visiting Ros; Mele from New York who has just moved to Samoa; and Emmanuel from Bolivia, who is here to visit his family and get married.

The retreads were Long Dong Silver, Pro Boner and Cocaine. Cocaine announced she was here to have a holiday and get married. Eveready questioned Cocaine as to why she has two kids already and is only getting married now.

Retread Anton was pulled up for not declaring himself as a retread and made to drink.

There were no new shoes.

Hare Cocaine declared that everyone shortcutted on the run. Rather than having a mass down down and a prematurely ended Hash circle, leaders of the pack Hot Nuts, Swinger and Larry were made to drink.

Cocaine and Ring Ring were dobbed in by Madam GM for breaking the first rule of trail setting – don’t double up on the trail. Ring Ring tried and failed to deny the accusation.

Luke and Zsa Zsa were then accused of breaking another rule of Hash – don’t swim in Tony Blair and Selena’s pool before the circle. Zsa Zsa replied “It was a very nice swim. I was swimming doggy style!”

The lovely Pirate Princess was nominated by the GM for a 21st birthday award, which occurs on the 1st of December. Lewinsky presented her with a beer and declared her “finally legal”.

The celebrity award went to myself, a double for being in the newspaper and on TV. As Poumuli gets this award pretty much every week, while I never do, your scribe is now slightly concerned that in taking on Poumuli’s role as scribe she is slowly taking on the characteristics of Poumuli. Don’t be surprised to see me speaking Norwegian and tasering puppies at next week’s run.

The Christmas party season has begun, surely a breeding ground for down-down worthy incidents.

The One the Rocks Christmas Party had been held on the weekend and Crash was given the living-up-to-your-Hash-name award for crashing a car. In Crash’s absence, Pro Boner and Lewinsky were made to drink.

Your scribe was nominated by Zsa Zsa for attending the movie star themed SPREP Christmas Party yet not dressing up as a Lesbian Vampire Killer. I responded that with such that hash name it is hard to know exactly what to dress up as. Vampire? Lesbian? Killer Lesbian? By vote, Zsa Zsa was made to drink, but ended up passing half of it the whipping girl with the notebook anyway.

Sassy gave Mr Whippy a down down for having a matai title yet not being able to crack a nut. Tony Blair then accused Mr Whippy of drinking with the pumpkin hat on, but this backfired as apparently the pumpkin hat can be worn during the circle. “Rule 69E” according to Lewinsky.
Your Lesbian Vampire Killer then invited her cousin Mele to partake in her first down down, to see if fast skolling runs in the blood (pun intended). Turns out it does! Yours truly was made to drink as well.

Larry gave Bits and Pieces the Whinging Dutchman award for turning up late to Hash, not doing the run, and not singing the Hash song.

A knife-wielding Eveready nominated Tony Blair for asking him to do some work for him on a Sunday, which Eveready then completed, only for Tony Blair to say they didn’t need it anymore. Tony Blair declared him a knife-wielding maniac and Tony Blair, Selena and Eveready were all made to drink.

Sassy gave the slut award to SOTB, who started off in Savaii with five girls and ended up with ten.

Tony Blair gave Zsa Zsa an award after he found a sugar packet out at Stevenson’s with a quote from Zsa Zsa Gabor herself: “I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.” Zsa Zsa drank, accompanied by Pro Boner and Lewinsky. Zsa Zsa amazed everyone, most of all himself, by finishing his drink first.

Swinger gave Larry an award for throwing rocks at other Hash men.

Ros noted that it was the Slapper’s 13th birthday, and that in her absence her closest relative, the Mad Hatter, should drink. Mad Hatter sneakily evaded this award, leaving Ros to drink, accompanied by Lewinsky for trying to take over as GM.

Eveready noted that for the first time in Hash history, people turned up with ready-made Hash names - Matt and Nat. “So let’s see if they’re Hash material,” he said. Nat showed she is certainly Hash Mary material, by finishing her drink first. Matt was made to drink again for practice.

Tony Blair was made to wear the pumpkin hat for falsely accusing Mr Whippy. Under torchlight interrogation from the GM, it was exposed that while Tony Blair’s top matched the hat, he was in fact wearing the hat around the wrong way. Epic fail from Tony Blair.

The monkette then announced that “the monk is here” and the monk arrived to dish out a large round of initiations into the cult that is the Apia hash.

The monk had heard Larry had been causing problems and chaos with the water people, and also that he loves Vailima. Hence he was christened Vai Vai. Vai for water, and Vai for Vailima.
The monk had heard that Emmanuelle was famous, a genius, and addicted to Cocaine. He was named Maradona.

Mandy was named Chook because she loves shopping and gets up to mischief while doing it. The Monk was particularly harsh on chook, cracking eggs on her head that Chook later noted “felt like they were hard boiled”.

Next up was the “beautiful young man Noel” who loves to mediate. He was named Yogi Bear.
Yogi Bear’s brother Gabriel was next, named the Sundance Kid.

The Monk than announced she was off to find her reindeer, and promptly departed into the night.

AC/DC had turned up by this time and was given a latecomer award.

Crash was given another award, this time from Eveready, for failing to produce fish for the Toonai. After some discussion, Lewinsky was left holding the down down.

Hot Nuts berated Swinger for having no sense of adventure after deciding not to go on a waterfall walk because it was raining. They ended up having coffee at a beach resort instead. Swinger declared it was Hot Nuts who didn’t want to walk in the rain. The GM justifiably awarded both men the Mangina award.

In something your scribe had never seen in her time at Hash, Zsa Zsa dobbed himself in for a down down. He had been driving Dawn Raid and Poumuli to the airport in the rain and they had hit their heads on the roof when Zsa Zsa went over a speed hump. Wear your seatbelts next time boys!

To wrap up, hares Ring Ring and Cocaine, hosts Tony Blair, Selena and Maradona all drank.
Next week’s run will be hosted by POD and Lewinsky at Taumasina.

On On,

Lesbian Vampire Killer.