Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Hash Trash 1809

The Hash was hosted by Godfather, Sunny Side Up and Swinger up at the Ah Liki retreat in Malololelei. It was a rainy and extremely foggy day, so only the hard core of the Hash turned up. Swinger had set a lovely run through the nature reserve up there. There were numerous checks and false trails and the few runners were kept active. It was also damned slippery and hard to see in places, but we were treated to lots of birds and bats and flowers galore. This is a perfect place for a Hash run, but perhaps when the weather is more clement. There are numerous options for false trails and the view, when visible, is spectacular. In any case, we few hardy hearties made it safely around and had a great run, if wet.

Again Cupless agreed to be GM. There were no newbies but we had a surprise retread in Brazilian, back for a few weeks. He claimed to have been sent down the wrong trail three years ago.
This Day in History Awards went to Witch Doctor (1969 – The oil company Phillips Petroleum made the first oil discovery in the Norwegian sector of North Sea), Poumuli’s dog Happy (1997 – Hong Kong begins to kill all the nation's 1.25 million chickens to stop the spread of a potentially deadly influenza strain), Brazilian (2011 – Owing to a change of time zone the day is skipped in Samoa and Tokelau) and Swinger (Feast Day of St James the Just).

Celebrity Awards went to Rory for the numerous charity events and lawsuits in the paper. Poumuli tried to nominate the Hare for a Hazardous Trail Award, but this was voted down. However, at a past Mismanagement meeting Poumuli had proposed the establishment of the post of Religious Adviser, whose sole task it is to ensure that it doesn’t rain on the Hash. Godfather had been enthusiastic about this, thus the two of them took the award, with Swinger adding that Poumuli should be rewarded for the job well done in Paris.

Godfather pointed out that Rory had been in Samoa three years, and often attended the Hash late, but that this was the first time he had actually run. Witch Doctor then nominated all those who hadn’t had a down down – Eveready, Titty Galore, Sunny Side Up and Wahoo, joined by Cupless for using a wrong name.

Swinger reiterated the thoughts of the Scribe that this was indeed a perfect place for a Hash run, and a congratulatory award went to Godfather and Sunny Side Up for coming up with the idea. All then did a down down with the Hare.

Next week’s run will either be at Cupless and Rory’s place in Palisi or at Nafanua Restaurant. Watch the blog.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1808

The Hash was hosted at Palusami Restaurant by Elle Mc Jr. It was a modest turnout as many are off island for holidays, and others were too lazy. Poumuli was asked to be live hare and off we went down the Vaiala road stopping for a Hash View at the new sea wall, already loosing rocks to the waves. The walkers were left behind, and in the end it was only Godfather and the Hare running, thus we went back home, as the heat was too intense on the back roads. More hashers started turning up, and we soon had a good number present. Cupless agreed to be GM and called the circle to order.
There were no newbies, and the retreads were Poumuli and Lowrider – one had been in Paris the other babyraising. There was no need for a Shoe Inspector, yet Snake insisted that Poumuli’s shoes were too new – actually they were.

This Day in History Awards were a difficult affair as hardly any were present. Snake for Hot Nuts (1892 – Premiere performance of The Nutcracker by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky in Saint Petersburg, Russia), Transporter for Lewinsky (1998 – President Bill Clinton is impeached by the United States House of Representatives, becoming the second President of the United States to be impeached), Cupless for Crime (2004 – A gang of thieves steal £26.5 million worth of currency from the Donegall Square West headquarters of Northern Bank in Belfast, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom, one of the largest bank robberies in British history), Transporter for Gayboy (2010 – The repeal of the Don't ask, don't tell policy, the 17-year-old policy banning homosexuals serving openly in the United States military, is signed into law by President Barack Obama) and Dawn Raid (International Migrants Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Dawn Raid (Norway being best country to live in story), Wahoo (Janet’s ad), Witch Doctor (I forget), and Godfather for Swinger (Swingmother was in the paper).
Opening up for nominations, Sunny Side Up nominated Godfather for his eagerness to get to the Hash, to the point of running a light. When Godfather tried to explain that this was Hashmanlike Behaviour, Snake recounted how they had been broken down by the side of the road and saw Godfather approaching in his truck, only to have him speed past. In the end Sunny Side Up, Godfather (Snakebite was whipping boy) and Transporter took this award. Transporter had his sunglasses on, but handed it off to Venom.

Poumuli was impressed by the speed of the two boys and suggested a race with their dad, thus Snake, Snakebite and Venom lined up. Need less to say the boys triumphed.

Transporter nominated the only TV1 employee to refuse participating in the Christmas Thank You Show. Anchor defended that she wanted some more money to participate. Poumuli nominated Witch Doctor for getting her wheels back.

Transporter nominated Rory for a celebrity award as he had just arrived, for the Digicel lawsuit against Bluesky, but he joined as a closest living relative to Bluesky employees past and present. Godfather nominated Elle Mc Jr for the most beautiful proposal ever, which Anchor took as closest living relative.

Anchor then nominated Transporter for the Asshole of the Month Award for not taking better care of Lowrider, details were not forthcoming, with some confusion as to the relative assholiness compared to Cockblocker.

The Hare and Hosts were saluted, with Poumuli and the Snake boys doing the honors. Elle Mc Jr then put on some fabulous food for us.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, December 28, 2015

Hash Run 1809

Today's run will be hosted by Sunny Side Up, Godfather and Crime up at a new compound at the top of the island in Malololelei. Take Cross-Island Road and then turn off on Kelsey Lane (huge sign for a Catholic Church). Continue straight, past church compound and keep going as the road turns to dirt road. The compound is at the end of the road .

Bring your hash cash of 20 tala. It will be a BYO with BBQ a la Yahoo. Location below.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, December 21, 2015

Hash run 21st December

Hash tonight will be held at Palusami Restaurant. As there is no host, anyone who wants food will need to pay extra and we can organise Sunrise. Onon!

PS- we need a fill in GM please

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Three Apia Hashers and a Virgin take on Paris Hash

It was the best of times and the worst of times. Actually it was bloody cold and we were lost. Well FBI, AC/DC and the ni-Vanuatu Isso were lost, but Poumuli found the way. A small group of Paris Hashers, some visitors and your Scribe set off on the run, only to run straight into our lost boys. They had found a check point and were waiting there, thinking it was the start. So they joined the run, FBI in a greatcoat and backpack, AC/DC in jeans and thick jacket, and Isso wearing work boots. 

The run was through a picturesque forested park, and while cold it was quite stunning. We even had special Hash Halts, called Hash Views, to take in the scenery, including an old cemetery. There we sang Here’s To Brother Hashers Who Aren’t With Us Today.

There were too many false trails to count, with a bloody system that when you came cross you had to check back x amount of spots. It was also a very long run. Without the false trails it was 8 km. And at 7 km there was a beer stop!

There was also a boob check, where the women were supposed to find the trail, but only after baring their bras, or in one case, the real thing! Godfather would have enjoyed this.

The circle was livened up by the Apia boys, particularly when AC/DC tried to dob in FBI for crapping on the trail, but FBI had photographic evidence that it was the other way around.

Your Scribe cannot remember much more other than FBI and AC/DC doing an alternative version of the Siva Tau that involved some pelvic thrusts.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Christmas Card from Vai Vai

Money’s Short and Times are Hard, Here’s your Freakin’ Christmas Card

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt shitty
Even the mouse …..

Mum at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I’d just settle down
For a nice piece of arse …

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter …

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick …

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell …

He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer …

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart …

He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night!!!
Merry Friggin’ Christmas!

To all at Hash
From Vai Vai

Sunday, December 06, 2015


It is the festive season once again... my how time flies when one gets old lol

Following is a quick update for tomorrow's run!

  1. Starting from Sunrise Restaurant at Samoa Ports Authority location, Matautu
  2. Run will start sharp 5.30 given the many stops and drinking to be had along the way
  3. Santa will be in the house
  4. Santa's Ride 1: Eveready and if weather turns to custard, we will go to plan B.?? lol
  5. Hash cash of 20 tala applies which will go towards your food
  6. do get in to the spirit of the occassion - wear some xmassy decorations, by golly some of you need a lot of it lol and bring your vocal chords :)
  7. Any questions revert to the GM who will rule whichever way she sees fit!
  8. Monk has gone awol thank goodness so no discussions about name changes!
ON ON...bring it ON


Sunday, November 29, 2015

#1805 Monday 30th November

Hash run #1805 is being hosted by Iron Lady in Ululoloa. Sadly I cannot be there so anyone willing to GM please? As usual, the run starts at 6 and bring your $20 hash cash!

Directions are as follows...
Go up Papaseea Rd and when you go over the bridge, it will be the first main road on the left hand side just past the Craigs compound (it has a sign for Samoa Tradition Resort). You will need to go past the next sign and turn off to the left for Samoa Tradition Resort and turn right at the next intersection. The house is in a compound of 2 yellow houses on the right side of the road. There will be balloons to mark the driveway

Friday, November 20, 2015

Hash Run 1804

Monday's run will be hosted by Gayboy at Sunrise Restaurant in Matauta in the Port. Drive towards the port, past the Marina, dodge the transvestites calling out Hello Sailor, and you will find it past the Ports Authority. Run starts at 6 PM, bring your 20 tala Hash Cash and enjoy the run to be followed by some yummy Sweet & Sour Cat.

We need a Scribe  volunteer as I will be in Paris for three weeks.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1800

This momentous occasion was characterised by what it was and what it was not – a quiet dignified affair, to reflect on the long history and achievements of Apia Hash, solicitous and retrospective discussion and analysis. Hell with 6 kegs this was going to be a good one!
We were again gracefully hosted by Apia Concrete Products, the Foundation of Samoa, and although we missed Uncle Fred’s presence, at least we only had one ukulele to contend with. There had been some missed smoke signals so two sets of hares had been out setting runs. Your Scribe fears that we actually ran both trails. It was on out the gate, with a long false trail towards the airport – we really need to codify the rules a bit better! Oh, no rules in Hash, so it was back and up the long slow climb of the road that has a name, but sweat was preventing its proper commitment to memory. For yes, while it was balmy by the shore at ACP, on these roads it was baking. It was pre-heat the oven, stick the silly fools in there and bake. Bake! At the top we veered right, into a false trail, then left, parallel for a while then up again. False trail, meandering through the side streets, for another false trail. The only benefit was that the Frontrunning Bastards were brought down a notch and the pack stayed remarkably together. However, derogatory comments were made about them when they eventually overtook the somewhat slower runners and walkers. This was totally forgotten by the time the circle started unfortunately. The trail eventually turned back towards Vaitele Road, and the common sentiment was to get back to ACP ASAP, no matter what f’ing idea for another false trail the Hares may have had in their addled minds. In this heat there is only one thing that works, and that is sucking down on Godfather’s succulent sweet nuts followed by Vailima!

With such a large turn-out, it was really hard to get the circle going. Sassygirl BJ had also just been pushed and shoved as she tried to sell the 1800 t-shirts, but she seemed to enjoy it. But when POD tried to get it all going, she was not only battling the voices of loud drunk lunatics (one Slim Shady), hyena-laughing brothers (Dawn Raid and AC/DC) and sundry others, but also the increasing pitch of the wind blowing in the wind. After resorting to using the voice normally reserved for Lewinsky malfeasances, she finally got us started.  New to Apia Hash was Mrs Whippy, although she has been present before but hiding in the kitchen. Then there was Fabian from Germany, one of a first of his kind not being able to follow orders, who dobbed in Sunny Side Up by using her real name.

The retreads were legion, so its appropriate to start with Dawn Raid (deported), Ozzy Osbourne (working late), Soprano (too lazy), Naval Base (cooking), Karaoke (babysitting motherless child), Kiwi AKA Tiger Woody (lost), Ring Ring (alone in the house), AC/DC (busy, or buzzing, couldn’t quite hear), Crash Bandicoot (looking after mother in law) and Xavier (paddling).

Katy was appointed shoe inspector and after a near fail, the absence of running shoes on FBI caught her attention. In what was obviously an attempt to pervert the cause of justice, a vote was set as to whether he had been hiding the evidence in the ocean. 99.8% of those present shouted their affirmation. It was then doubled as he was wearing a headband for non-religious purposes.
Celebrity Awards went to Captain Mortein (there is something rotten in the state of Denmark headline) and Crash and AC/DC as closest living relatives to Lezzie (seen in a photo chatting with the PM).

This Day in History Awards went to Katy and Swinger (1002 – English king Æthelred II orders the killing of all Danes in England, known today as the St. Brice's Day massacre – this was an entirely commendable act by the Poms), Witch Doctor (1905 – Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway), Snake and Hot Nuts (Feast Day of St Gregory of Tours), Gayboy (Feast Day of St Homobonus – not kidding, saint of handbag makers and business mens) and Poumuli (International Day for Tolerance – out of tolerance for the previous saint).

The GM had done some research on the year 1800, and noted that in this year the world population reached the 1 billion mark, and promptly called on Soprano for his contribution. Also Napoleon crossed the Alps and invaded Italy, this went to Gianluca and our little Napoleon Karaoke. Smallpox vaccines also became available in North America, so this one went to Cockblocker as he is a pox upon women. It was also the first time that Christmas Day became a public holiday in the US, so Pussysnatcher came to enjoy that one.

Turning to the GM’s awards, she had been informed that Poumuli had been pissed as newt and had missed his flight and forced colleagues to step in for him. After explaining his side of the story, Slim Shady joined him for not advocating for fellow hasher/vindictiveness.

Ozzie was then brought forward to explain a keg mishap. He had complained that he wasn’t “getting any head”, to which Daz had commented “don’t you hate that”, with return comment “I am used to it”. They were joined by CB who had told a Mere “you have to go down or it won’t come”. Slim Shady snorted that this was the first time CB had provided excellent advice.

At this point the Mad Monk of Apia Hash arrived, and called on a young lady who plays with fire. Katy will henceforth be known as Flaming Buns.

Then she called on a Hasher who has played with Hot Cross Buns, and as he has a gynaecologist friend who has been teaching him things, henceforth Daz will be known as Nom Nom.

Another Hasher was brought forward who delves in manure and smelly stuff, and also talks a lot of crap, so henceforth Murray will be known as Shit Bags.
A schooling Mere was brought forward, who like an albatross hangs around the neck, beautiful for sure, but that will teach’um, so Ronna shall henceforth be known as Anchor.
Another bossy young lady was called up, talks a lot, carries on in that accent, so Claudia will henceforth be known as Il Capo.

A very young Hasher has not been named, the offspring of Pussysnatcher and Snatched, who shall henceforth be known as Scratcher.

A named Hash Mere had been sending smoke signals about being renamed, and in light of what happened to the Poms at the RWC, IRA shall henceforth be known as Cupless.

Then the Mad Monk had a huge down down before flying off on her broomstick.

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Lewinsky. When cause was requested, he offered a Good Parenting Award for hurling one of his sprogs bodily out  of the circle.
FBI nominated Swinger for the Illegal Parking of the Week Award, for having made him squeeze through. Because he didn’t like a bit of squeeze, FBI joined Swinger in the award. Slim Shady nominated Shit Bags and Strap On for the Ungentlemanly Award for not getting Wahoo a drink, which Wahoo heartily joined. Eveready then opined that since Poumuli hadn’t poured for her either that he should have gotten this award, but since Eveready hadn’t poured for Karaoke they both received this one.

Poumuli nominated Prince for bringing the Hash into disrepute for his athletic performance at the end, sprinting past huffing Hashers and amused locals. Sassy then nominated Swingmother for not being dressed as a Hasher, which was then turned into some sort of evocative dance.

Swinger wanted to nominate Godfather and Crime for messing up the trail, but ultimately they were all being idiots, led by our GM, so those three took one. Lewinsky nominated Gayboy for his new cup, bought by his Mum, showing how he was embracing his lifestyle. Not sure why this ended up with Lewinsky, Gayboy and Shit Bags taking this one.

Strap On related how last week after finishing the keg, a frantic call had been received that someone was looking for a hearing aid, and an expensive one at that. When he slipped up that this was Tammy rather than Titty Galore he let out a groan. Not to let this one go, CB added that he had been ready to go home, and it was he who had to look for Godfather’s ears with Strap On, thus Titty G and Strap On got a Heroes Award, although Godfather also dobbed in CB.

Swinger  then got his goat up and lambasted those Hashers who still don’t know the rules, etc etc. CB and Poumuli for missing crosses, Eveready and Kiwi for good blowjobs on Monica.
As it was Shit Bags birthday, he was allowed to speak, and he noted that if you cant be with the ones you love, love the ones you are with. Gayboy smartly stepped away. POD then added a French tricolour to the Hash Shrine, inxsnay on the Mad Monks brassiere.

Mismanagement was saluted, then the Hosts and the Hares, before we feasted on a great buffet offered by Naval Base. Yum.

Next week’s run, number 1804 will be hosted by Gayboy at the Blue Oyster Bar, or Sunrise Restaurant in Matauta in the Port.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

1800th RUN - 16th November 2016 .... Finally!

Talofa lava merry hashers

Next week we will finally host the 1800th Run by the Apia Hash House Harriers!

It really is that long ago since Hash was introduced to Samoa in 1980, by a young and new hasher, Joe Annandale and two other Kiwi friends.

Uncle Tupua Fred Wetzell and his family have again offered up their beautiful seaside location for our big one!!

T-shirst are currently being sorted out so please refer to the email circulated and add your name and preferred shirt type/colour and size. All shirts are SAT30.00 @.

It is also rumored that the Monk will be in the house to do some namings so beware!

For catering purposes, you are kindly asked to confirm participation so we can make sure there is plenty of kaikai to share!

We know there are several old time hashers who usually join us during the big occasions so please let us know if you will be joining us! We hope you do!

More information will be shared via our emails and facebook page. If you are anti-social :) and do not have a facebook page nor a working email, then send us a smoke signal to nynette.sass@gmail.com  or ariane_vaai@hotmail.com 


Mismanagement Extraordinaire !

Thursday, November 05, 2015

Hash Trash 1799 C

The Hash was hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker at the Nuthouse in Vailima, set back on a scenic plateau. It had been raining a lot that day so it seemed relatively cool, but impressions were soon to be changed. Hot Nuts came back from the swim, er run, looking like he had been taken through a carwash backwards. He left puddles! So with some trepidation we set out on his Mt Vaea Magic Carpet Ride. Well marked trail led us up the Cross Island Road, down towards the botanical gardens and into the trail leading to the top. But the trail appeared to head off towards SPREP, so off we trudged. This was a false trail, so we tried the Forestry Station trail where no markers were found. This meant only one thing, or rather two. One, the true trail led up to Mt Vaea, and two, the shortcutters went towards SPREP and out through the bush to the Cross Island Road. Let’s recall that inside the forest the humidity was at least 150%. If you opened your water bottle the level went up. The heat and wet was far too much for some, thus a leisurely jomp down the hill seemed prudent. Godfather’s sweet nuts were awaiting in the slight breeze, precious relief after the wet heat of the woods.

Hot Nuts stepped in as GM and called the circle to order. New to Hash were Amalia, a Greek-American brought by Bad Investment, and Toaimatagialetagaloalagi introduced by parents Snatched and Pussysnatcher. Shoe Inspector Cunning Linguist failed.

Retreads were Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess (held hostage by Captain), Slim Shady (early Alzheimer), Swinger (retired), Cockblocker (chasing gazelles), Snake (no work in Samoa), Kristiane (working late), Robert (in Switzerland) and Gianluca (long story, awesome, great). After their down-down Kristiane had another for wearing her cap on and Slim Shady for her shadys.

Celebrity Awards went to Imelda da Welda for Roadrunner (in paper and on tv), Poumuli (on tv), Swinger (for being a huge celeb while away) and Hot Nuts (forget).

This Day in History Awards went to all the Oz Volunteers (1960 – While campaigning for President of the United States, John F. Kennedy announces his idea of the Peace Corps, later copied by Oz), Snake (World Vegan Day – biggest meat eater in Hash), Pussysnatcher (National Cat Day) and Swinger (Feast Day of St James).

Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady nominated Snake for the Piece of Shit Award – he had been on a cow farm in NZ, threw his boots in bag covered in cow dung, and stood by while poor Samoan customs guy  smelled then licked a piece off the boot.

Murray offered up the Biodiversity Geeks Award to Hot Nuts for interrupting his enjoyment of the Jazz Festival with his talk of the joy of maggots. Snatched gave an Indecent Award to Poumuli for showing up at a kids Halloween party looking like a S&M mass murderer.

Gayboy got his Latecummer Award, while Poumuli nominated Captain Mortein for the Catlike Reflexes Award for only spilling ¾ of his beer.

At the Jazz Festival Alex had been having a great time, but the classy event was somewhat diminished by a Hasher who claimed to be no good at dancing round and round, but excellent at the up and down – Crime. In this regard Godfather thanked all those who had helped out but especially Sunny Side Up for her dancing Red Hot Jazz Virgin.

Gayboy was deemed to also have been a retread, and apparently had been seeing the aiga in Hong Kong. Snatched then expressed her confusion at the varying lengths of shorts that Hot Nuts had been sporting, and while this should have boomeranged as a Nut Fixation Award, he gamely took it.

The GM then gave his confusing RWC Award, for Ozzies loosing, all the Samoans playing and the Kiwis for winning – this involved Murray, Faumuina, Daz, Gayboy, Lewinsky and Strap On.
Snake nominated Swinger for the Poor Pommy Loser Award, added to by Slim Shady for Gratuitous Promotion of World Tour Award – he brought her a kitchen magnet! She joined for the Ungrateful Award as Nutcracker was well pleased with her kitchen magnet.

Before the Hosts and the Hare were saluted we had a round of thanks, love and gratitude from Slim Shady, Swinger and Godfather, while Gayboy noted that his first Hash had been at the other Nuthouse. We were all invited to come to the Kapiti Coast in NZ, and Hot Nuts emphasized the benefits for people to get involved in the fellowship and community of Hash. Nutcracker, not one for speaking up in the circle, thanked the Hash for making their stay in Samoa special and for introducing them to community members and places they would normally not encounter.

Godfather then brought up his being approached by SBC, and a vote was taken as to whether we should switch. Unanimous to await. We then did Goodbye My Feleni and Swing Low. Then we feasted.

Check the blog for next week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, October 30, 2015

Hash Run 1799 C

Talofa Hashers
This Monday Hash Run 1799 C (or 1799 ter for Murray) will be hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker at the Nuthouse in Vailima, just past Chinese Embassy and Vaiala Beach School. Run will start at 6 PM, bring your 20 tala Hash Cash. Theme will be sackcloth and ashes for the loosing team in RWC with the winners wearing happy clown faces and glee. Just kidding - the host is requesting that we wear black or gold or both!
See map for directions below.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Samoa Jazz Festival this weekend!

The Festival has three parts.

On Friday night there is a 'teaser' show at the Edge. This will feature a number of the international bands.

The main day of the Festival is on Saturday and this will be held in the Marina Quarter. There will be local bands playing short sets at Annabelles, Ooh La La, Seafood Gourmet and Palusami from 5.00 pm. The main concert with international bands will be from 7.00 to about 11.00 on the outdoor stage area of Club X. 

Then some more local bands will do sets at SIPS, The Edge and Sheeshas to keep the night alive until after midnight.

The road will be closed from Ooh La La down to Palusami from about 4.30 through to the end. So there will be tables out on the road in front of Club X and other food/beverage vendors.

We are seeking a big turnout for this night of FANTASTIC LIVE MUSIC

This is all in the cause of trying to develop the jazz and live music scene in Samoa and support the Samoa Jazz Society to put on more events in the future. 

We truly appreciate the support of the Hash family to come on down for this Saturday event and to spread the word about it within your social circles.

The wind down event of the Festival will be over at Sinalei on Sunday afternoon. This will also be an opportunity to wind down after the World Cup Final (that starts at 6.00 a.m. that morning!)

Draft Apia Hash Rules

Again Mismanagement invites comments on the draft Apia Hash Rules, adopted from Hashes around the world. For your consideration...
  1. There are no rules. 
  2. No poofters. 
  3. See rule 1. 
  4. The Grand Master (GM) is always right.
  5. When the GM is wrong, rule 4 applies. 
  6. The Religious Adviser (RA) is always right except when rule 4 applies. 
  7. No poofters. 
  8. The Hash Cash and run numbers are always right. If there is a perceived discrepancy between the stats and reality then reality is warped. 
  9. No stealing (see hereunder - definition of stealing):
    Stealing - the covert removal of another Hasher's property with the intention of depriving said hasher of such property for an indefinite period of time. 
  10. No stealing, but borrowing is okay (see hereunder the definition of borrowing):
    Borrowing - the act of covert temporary removal of another Hasher's property (property in this instance is confined to items of a portable nature and directly related to hashing such as mugs, bugles and run books). Substantial items such as kegs whilst being directly related to hashing should never be borrowed. At all times the property borrowed is held for a relatively short period of time and always returned in good order. Often suitable engraving to record for posterity the guile of the borrower enhances such property. Borrowing is a complex issue and where any doubt exists the GM should be consulted. 
  11. No poofters. 
  12. Rain is not permitted during Hash runs. The RA is personally responsible for ensuring that fine conditions prevail for a period of not less than four hours each Hash day from 15:00. 
  13. No discrimination. Poms, Frogs, unemployed, dogs, women, NGO types, criminals, teachers, disabled, nymphomaniacs and even lawyers are all encouraged to run Hash. Alcoholics are particularly welcome. Athletes are tolerated in some Hashes. Athletes and dogs whilst permitted to run can never aspire to become Grand Master. 
  14. Definitely no poofters. 
  15. No competitiveness. 
  16. Under no circumstances are poofters permitted to run Hash. 
  17. No training. Hashers caught training will be deemed to have breached rule 15 and will be liable to punishment. A range of activities may be interpreted as training, and for guidance the following non-exhaustive list is provided:
    a) running other than official Hash runs
    b) cycling (fornication on a push bike is exempt)
    c) visiting a gymnasium for any other purpose than perving on the aerobics class
    d) using the stairs while lifts or escalators are available
    e) servicing the wife/girlfriend when so pissed it is a marathon effort. f) stretching of any kind (though exceptions may me made for particularly beautiful women).
  1. All Hashers must commit to memory rules 1, 2 and 3 and be able to recite them at any hour of the day or night regardless of their state of inebriation. 
  2. Poofterism will not be f**king tolerated under any conditions. 
  3. No fighting on the Hash. This rule is absolute and the entire culture of Hash relies on strict adherence to this rule. If a fellow Hasher causes you immense displeasure by stealing your car or impregnating your daughter (wives are exempt) then belt shit out of him at some other place than Hash and on some other day than Hashday which is a day of reverence and tranquility.
  4. Poofters will be shot on sight. No poofters. 
  5. Amendments to Rules 2, 7, 11, 14, 16, 19, 21 and 22 are illegal.
  6. The Shoe Inspector (SI) shall be called upon to seek out any new shoes at the appropriate time in the circle and perpetrator shall drink one down down from the shoe. If refusing to drink from own shoe, then this can be substituted for the SI or GM shoe. If no new shoes are found the SI shall take a down down. In the absence of the SI, the GM may appoint an interim SI at random.
  7. Live hares, if caught on the run, shall have their shorts pulled down. Unless the GM specifically states that rule 24 is not in effect.
  8. The Hash Shrine shall be placed in the middle of the circle at each Hash. The Shrine Master shall be responsible for adding Hash mementos to the Shrine.
  9. A Hashman shall not covet a fellow Hashman’s mere, nor his ass, nor anything that is his; see also rules 9, 10 & 20.
  10. No fondling shall be permitted on hash; fondling shall be deemed to be any sort of touching between a Hashman and a Hashmere, other than when retrieving car-keys or cash from pockets, bras or jock-straps; there can never be any touching between Hashmen or Hashmeres of the same gender, see Rules 2, 7, 11, 14, 16, 19, & 21.
  11. No chariot riding shall be permitted on a hashrun; ankle-biters under the age of 5years are exempt from this rule. A chariot shall be deemed to be any sort of vehicular perambulation that does not require a Hashman or Hashmere to propel him/herself forward by placing one foot in front of the other on the ground. This would however enable an otherwise incapacitated Hashman/Hashmere to join the hashrun by sitting astride a hobby-horse (or rigid inflatable doll) with wheels attached provided that it was propelled by foot-power.
  12. The Hash Shit shall be awarded by the incumbent Hash Shit, or if absent by the GM, to a Hasher who has committed a crime so heinous it exceeds punishment. The crime and the recipient shall be placed before the circle for a vote.
  13. No pissing on the Hare’s Trail.
* Poofter: 1) Somebody that should not be on the Hash 2) A Whiner or Winger 3) Somebody that lets other people find trail. 4) A Poofter.

Hash Trash 1799 B

Welcome to this edition of Loneliest Planet, reporting to you from Upper Vaoala in Apia, Samoa, where we were invited to attend a special socio-cultural event known as the Apia Hash. This is celebrated religiously every Monday by a disparate group of misfits, dyspeptics, over-the-hill sportsmen and the disabled, as they especially cater for sufferers of Tourette ’s syndrome. This is all overseen by their high council, known as Mismanagement. Our hosts were Katy and Speedhumper, who had also been out to set the run. There was very little warning for what was to come, save a shouted Hash Circle from a lady known as Sassygirl BJ. We were told that the run was set on flowers, which we thought was a nice touch, given the green and fragrant nature and flora of this island. We felt somewhat sheepish to discover that they meant the ground and milled variety used in baking. Nevertheless, we gamely followed the pack, as it had been foretold to us that there were some vicious dogs awaiting en route. Going up the soon-to-be paved Cross Island Road was a cultural delight, with scenic views marred only by the elevated garbage cans required to prevent canines making comestibles from the trash. Some lovely houses along the way, ranging from the humble Samoan fale to luxury villas that would not look out of place in Mogadishu. The trail took us down the Lamosa Road, which was so named as it is the Samoan  abbreviation for the London Missionaries who brought their no-tattoos, no-naked, no-dancing and culturally sensitive version of the gospel to these unsuspecting people. Apt that this is where the aforementioned canines resided. To call them rabid, slobbering, snapping bitches would be an insult to Lady Gagas everywhere. Thankfully the kind homeowner came out and beat several of them to a pulp with a stick, pour encourager les autres. We then emerged onto our starting road, but took a path less trodden, and we saw some lovely examples of Abelmoschus moschatus, so valued in India, which seemed to thrive here. We then crossed over a dried creek, to follow a trail through some thick healthy stands of Bambusa vulgaris, complemented by Casuarina equisetifolia which is an evergreen conifer-like angiosperm. We were then returned by way of what was called a false trail, which allowed the stragglers at the back to all of a sudden be at the front, and were first in line for some lovely local coconuts, procured by hand by the strapping lads of Poutasi. Next week we will be sampling the delights of a place called Tafaigata which we have been recommended to visit by some charming helpful expatriates here.

Sassygirl BJ stepped in as GM as POD has been stricken with the chicken. She called the circle to order, and asked the newbies to step forward. These were Simon (brought by some bird, more later) and Sandrine known as Kitty Kitty. They both got their first down-downs. Retreads were Snatched (making more Hashers), Pussysnatcher (breast feeding), Faumuina (holidays), Bad Investment (lazy), Titty Galore (with mum), Aaron (working) and Speedhumper (busy).

Shoe Inspector Sunny Side Up, tried but failed. Celebrity Awards went to Cunning Linguist for trying to disguise his journalist tag as The Tokelau Council and Pussysnatcher for Snatched for her story about men in skirts.

This Day in History Awards went to Murray for Gayboy (1851 – William Lassell discovers the moons Umbriel, and Ariel, orbiting Uranus), Witch Doctor (1905 – Sweden accepted the independence of Norway), Claudia (1917 – Battle of Caporetto; Italy suffers a catastrophic defeat by the forces of Austria-Hungary and Germany on the Austro-Italian front of World War I (lasts until 19 November - also called Twelfth Battle of the Isonzo) - The young unknown Oberleutnant Erwin Rommel captures Mount Matajur with only 100 Germans against a force of over 7000 Italians), Hot Nuts (1945 – Founding of the United Nations), Poumuli for Dawn Raid (1970 – Gary Gabelich sets a land speed record in a rocket-powered automobile called the Blue Flame, fueled with natural gas) and Godfather for Swinger (Feast Day of St James the Just).

Turning to the GM’s Awards, while this was a nice place for Hash, OSH would have had a field day with the low hanging garrottes used for clothes – Speedhumper, Aaron and Katy, helped by Daz, as this was the longest chorus to date!

The GM had met a new yoga instructor in town, who had been warned by IRA about hitchhiking and also sundry shady characters, but had disregarded the advice, had hitchhiked and been picked up by Bad Investment – A Chronicle of Disaster Foretold Award. Following on, after the run one of the Hashers had been a bit frisky, trying to get Titty G to come out into the bushes, to see, er, the tomatoes. Not only were these minuscule, but such hanky panky is against the Hash Rules, to be posted later. Eveready got the Wanna See My Bush Award.

Also this week, a Hasher had locked himself in his office, and had to phone someone to get the keys from his car to let him out – Hot Nuts for the Houdini Award. But Godfather stepped in and related how they had been watching the rugby, and Hot Nuts said, ok same time tomorrow? Which meant that Godfather sat up and waited for 3 hours before the game started. Thus the award was doubled.
A Hasher had approached some meres for help on the weekend, as he was afraid to go home. Apparently he had been helping himself too liberally (literally) with the local girls, and now one brother wanted to bash him up. As Cunning Linguist prepared, Alex noted that another Hasher had valiantly fought off a gorgeous local girl’s advances, and lucky for him as her boyfriend turned up a few minutes later. Daz got the Unhashmanlike Behaviour, while CL’s was really just Woozzing Out Award.

During the run some other unhashmanlike behaviour had been displayed by Poumuli according to Hot Nuts. Claiming he had steamed away from the pack, Poumuli replied that no, he had been last with Godfather, but the false trail found him at the front. And it was Hot Nuts who had shown undue athleticism by running fast to catch him up – people watching would think this was some sort of sporting club! In the end Simon, Hot Nuts and Poumuli took this one.

Hornithologist arrived and got the award for Simon missing her name. She also brought a friend, Glen, apparently also similarly erectile when around birds, and he was delegated to have a down-down for Hornithologist leaning.

Cunning Linguist wanted to award the GM for admitting on Facebook that she was inubriated, thereby implicating all that were with her. This failed on language alone, while Poumuli pointed out that CL had not been taught proper English enunciation in his adopted country, thus Murray got one more.

Poumuli also noted the large number of unsolved crimes recently, thus Crime. There then followed a discussion around the 1800th run, and it was agreed that it would be pushed back to the 16th of November. Vailima will be sponsoring and Sassy will be sending around order details for the shirts. Murray also made an announcement regarding the Jazz Festival on the weekend. And Claudia will have a birthday bash at the Edge on Thursday.

The Hares and Hosts were saluted, before we chowed on delicious home made burgers, WHO rulings be damned.

Check blog for next week’s run – likely to be at Hot Nuts’s.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Run 1799B - with Speedhumper and Katy Woolley

Mahalo Hashers

Monday, 26 Oct Run will be hosted by Speedhumper and Katy Woolley up Vailima way.
"We live on a small, newly paved road off of cross island road.
Go up past Bank st, past the Mormon church and past the 3 Hearts Church, and our street is on the right just after a big pink house on the right. If you get to Lamosa st you have gone 200m too far.
When you get onto the small, newly paved road, park around there. We are the second house on the right, it's army green coloured.
Run starts 6pm sharp, beer and burgers after. Bring bathers if you want a swim, welcome to bring the kids.
From Speedhumper and Katy.
763 4497 if you get lost!"

Will have some shirt samples for sizes so you can book your 1800 Tshirt for the order..



Friday, October 23, 2015

Hash Trash 1799 A

The Hash was hosted at the Nafanua Steakhouse. Live hares were provided by Daz and Hot Nuts. We set out through the CopShop parking lot, up to the 4 corners and then down towards Palisi. Several hash halts were called, but the walkers ended up doing their own thing. Up the hill towards the prayer house at Palisi, then back down the other side, into town again and on home to Nafanua.

Godfather was absent so there were no frosty nuts waiting for us. POD was also absent so Hot Nuts stepped in as GM. New to Hash were Jessica (friend of Katy’s) and Bedbitch (Samoan but from FSM Hash). Retreads were Poumuli, Hot Nuts, Mr Whippy, Wet Pussy, Offspring and Witch Doctor.
Celebrity Awards went to Katy who had been on TV, and Cunning Linguist for the story on Ac/DC in the paper. Swinger had bee spotted on TV as well so that one went to Strap On.

The GM buggered up on the history but no really good ones anyway. Shoe inspection was not carried out but Cunning Linguist tried to get this anyway for Poumuli – False Accusation Award.

Claudia nominated Daz for the Misleading Award for giving wrong instructions on the run, which Daz countered by nominating all those who had used the down-down glasses before the circle started – Claudia, Jill, Cunning Linguist and Lucy, and since this was a crime, Crime.

At this point Wet Pussy wanted to encourage someone to download some more hash songs, but it was pointed out that Godfather only knows 3 songs. Poumuli gave a rendition of one he had heard with the Nadi Hash – Here’s to Brother Hashers – and received an award for it.

Witch Doctor nominated the GM for the Internet Retard Award for not checking the blog, and we then saluted the Hares and the Hosts.

Next week’s run may be hosted by Katy and Speedhumper but check the blog.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, October 19, 2015

Run 1799 A - Nafanua Steak House - Apia

Hi Hashers

due to the fact that we have not secured a location for today, we will be trotting from Nafanua Steak House, next door to Italiano's Pizzeria.

Run at 6pm - do bring your hash cash and we can work out what to have for a feed depending on numbers. We an always arrange for one of those specials from Sunrise Restaurant for $10/head.



Thursday, October 08, 2015

Hash Trash - Run 1797

Thanks to Alex for the hash Trash

‘Twas, oddly enough, a night of Lion King and other Disney references.  And nuts.  Always nuts.  In answer to the question “can you feel the love tonight?” there was a resounding yes.  Except, perhaps, for Claudia and Jian Lucas.  Within the (Hash) circle of life were found coconuts, cat calls, jungle tales and nuts, cat calls, and even a Princess Jasmine cameo.
We were graced with the presence of two new would be hashers, one a former Manu Samoa player.   Perhaps it was the excesses of beer, or Speed Humper’s dance moves, but they didn’t last the night.
The down down’s round up:

·         Sassy was looking for a father, and Cock Blocker (CB) was looking for a mother, and they found each other.
·         Jian Lucas has been babysitting, and demonstrated a significant lack of beer guzzling technique.

New Shoes:
·         Coconut Hussy failed to find new treads*
*We’re all pretty sure Cunning Linguist’s (CL) shiny shoes got off scot-free, but CL didn’t due to his false accusations.

·         Wahoo and Sassy were this week’s newspaper celebrities.

GM Awards:
·         The karaoke krew were dragged in – Dazza for his suicidal song for suicide prevention; Speed Humper for dance demo-ing “feeling the love”; Kristiane aka Brad aka “Cock NOW” for being her mother’s daughter; and Katy for breaking hash name rules.

·         Sana and Bad Investment for wearing red – a tenuous link to the Japanese and rugby

·         Twin Peaks’ whipping boy Dazza for the questionable (and dated) bathroom decorations.  Twin Peaks, of course, knew nothing about the presence of Miss June or Princess Jasmine as he craps in the bush.  For Peaks’ chagrin, Dazza was gifted a full stein with the epithet “go hard or go home”.

·         Claudia and Jian Lucas for the cleaver pool attack and inappropriate references to “two heads”.  Hash name contender, JL?  Narrative voice: “Can you feel the love tonight?”

·         On the subject of Crime.   Not often are hashers mistaken for escaped prisoners**, but tonight was the night.  Separated from the Hash herd, Godfather and Crime scaled a mountain, climbed a sheer cliff in a downpour, fended of gun-toting residents and over 100 attack dogs to return bloody, but not beaten, to the fold.  Into the circle went GM for the false directions and false promise; CL the Hare for pissing off;  and CB and Dazza for being the beer-drinking search party that didn’t offer up a sip of their fare for the wounded warriors. 

Narrative voice: “Danger?  Hah!  I walk on the wild side.  I laugh in the face of danger.” – Simba.
*Fact check required.

·         At this point, Twin Peaks must have been getting thirsty, as he nominated himself for not setting the trail.  “Sick my arse” was the consensus.

·         Murray for being the Thurston look alike to acknowledge the Brisbane boys in the NRL bringing it home.

·         The birthday nominations – Coconut Hussy and Sassy in place of her son Son of the Bitch
·         A lively exchange between those that can’t keep a secret – Kristiane aka Brad aka Cock NOW and CB

·         And at this point, Sassy finds her stride (and her theme for the evening), nominating:
o   Lewinski whose dodgy patrons tended towards sexual harrasment of staff  
o   Wahoo for the White Sunday mother’s award.  While the cat’s away (Poumouli), the mice will play.
o   Dazza and Ever-Ready for problems with their nuts – Dazza’s for being too big*** and Ever-Ready’s for dragging up the stairs.
***According to Dazza.

·         And here the tables turn... Sassy for having nuts on her mind.

·         The remnant hashers are called in – Gill, Sunnyside up, and the humble scribe – for being thus far absent from the inner circle.

Next week – A BYO beach hash for White Sunday.  Watch this space.

Agreement was reached on acknowledgements for all those that donated through the Perimeter Run to Faatuaua Le Ola with the good grace of Godfather – a simple statement of thanks to friends, family and businesses for their support.

And with that, we broke into a serenade about wise men and ended with the cry “[Tagi mai  le pussy!”


Thursday, October 01, 2015

Hash Run 1797

Greetings Hashers
The Hash will be hosted on Monday by Twin Peaks at his place on Bank Street in Vaoala and co-hosted by Murray the Disgruntled South Korean Teenage Golfer. It will be Twin Peak's last time hosting for a while. Run starts at 18.00 or 6 PM due to daylight savings. Bring your 20 tala Hash Cash, and the host will cater.

Take the Cross Island Road from town, past Mynahs and take the road marked Bank Street. Then take the 2nd road to the left, marked Atoa Avenue. Its the last turn before the serious downhill starts. The house is at the top, the last house on the right.
Use the map below, but go up the hill two more driveways

We will need a Scribe as I will be in Bulaland, the Wantokland the following week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1796

The Hash was hosted at Wet Pussy’s in Siusega. The Hashers arrived through various transportative means, they all expressed the wish for enhanced cooperation with the Host. In order to improve mutual understanding and cooperation, the GM explained that the major global issue for their consideration was to turn left at the gates, being guided by the “3 Rights”. Inspired by this mutual trust and understanding the Hashers ran, meandered and walked their way forwards on the path to the road to Siusega. Expanded coordination between the front runners was exemplary, as befits the enriched and active role that these play, and it was ascertained that the path was again to the left. Through further people-to-people engagement, namely the calling of the on-on, the continued fostering of bilateral cooperation was assured as the Hashers re-gathered, then yet again turned left before reaching the capitalist-imperialist religious shrine at the corner of Faleata. Greeting the gathered proletariat along the route with a brotherly malo, and continued assurance of friendly relations, the Hashers were turned left yet again into a disused agrarian area, no doubt victim to anarcho-separatists plots fomented by opponents of multilateral frameworks for rural development. This was borne out by the large number of unfed dogs that sought to maul the group. Upon exiting back on the road, the Hashers pledged to continue onwards, working in line with the principles of common but differentiated responsibilities and respective capacities to achieve a balanced and fruitful end to the run. With further calls for on-on, and on-home, enhanced integration based on the foundation of bilateral partnership ensured that the Hashers all returned to Wet Pussy in accordance with their national priorities, through continuously deepening the friendly cooperative relationships.

You can read more along those lines in certain pages of the Observer.

As mentioned last week we are in daylight savings mode again, so the runs started at 6 PM, but it was still bloody hot. Godfather’s cool cool nuts were a lifesaver. But soon Hot Nuts as acting GM called the circle to a semblance of order, which would continue. He reminded us that we have the big 1800 run coming up, noted there were none new to Hash and called for the retreads. These were Beyonce, Hot Nuts, Wahoo and Roadrunner (who took it in Coke). The GM forgot to ask them for excuses.
Daz was appointed Shoe Inspector, tried hard, but failed.

Celebrity Awards went to Kristiane for Slim Shady (first time a UNWomen story in paper did NOT include Slim Shady), Godfather for Swinger/BB/Black Box (at RWC in UK), Wet Pussy (On The Street column), Cunning Linguist (two stories in the paper) and Strap On for Sassy (photo etc in paper). Kristianes was doubled for wearing a hat, and she had to be helped by Twin Peaks to finish. Then he got another as he too was wearing a hat!

This Day In History Awards went to Poumuli (1903 – The new Gresham's School is officially opened by Field Marshal Sir Evelyn Wood – he attended that school), Witch Doctor (1972 – In a referendum, the people of Norway reject membership of the European Community), Hot Nuts (2009 – An 8.0 magnitude earthquake near the Samoan Islands causes a tsunami; and Feast Day of St Gregory the Illuminator), Cunning Linguist (Dominion Day in New Zealand), Godfather (World Tourism Day) and Lewinsky (World Rabies Day).

Turning to the GM’s Awards, during the Mt Vaea challenge one Hash Mere had such a fright that she had to be wrapped in a blanket, but without someone wrapped with her to keep her warm – Claudia. Lewinsky then nominated the GM, as he had seen him using the mozzie spray, lifting his shorts up so high that the Hot Nuts popped out. Poumuli pointed out that Lewinsky shouldn’t have been looking at the GM’s crotch, but instead of Lewinsky copping one Hot Nuts got a large one for inciting Lewinsky to gay thoughts.

POD wanted to nominate someone Welsh, and thought to settle for a man wearing red (but this was Lewinsky) so she went instead for the NRL Queensland Maroons supporter Twin Peaks. She also mentioned the humiliation by Springboks at the hands of Japan, so reluctantly Offspring joined the middle. This took forever to finish, thus Hot Nuts opined that we need more verses. Twin Peaks offered something mumblingly, and obviously failed, to avoid another down-down.

POD nominated the GM for trying to feel her up, and Poumuli suggested that Lewinsky should also have one for not defending his wife’s virtue. In a classic example of misdirected justice POD Lewinsky and Hot Nuts took the award.
POD then recounted a story told by Claudia about getting stung by a jellyfish on her hoo-hah, which was re-enacted by Claudia. After much confusion it was believed that a Lip Service Award was in order.

Witch Doctor nominated Roadrunner for first of all not coming to Hash for a while, and secondly for setting the run using a busdriver mate of his – Inventive Chariotriding Award.

Strap On nominated Daz and Kristiane for not showing up to the Mt Vaea run. Then the Hare and Hosts were saluted – Roadrunner, Wet Pussy, Offspring, Imelda da Welda, Witch Doctor and Beyonce.
POD asked for support for the Pinktober Triathlon at the airport Sheraton, with all proceeds to the Cancer Society.
Next week’s run will be at Twin Peaks in Vaoala.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit