Sunday, November 29, 2015

#1805 Monday 30th November

Hash run #1805 is being hosted by Iron Lady in Ululoloa. Sadly I cannot be there so anyone willing to GM please? As usual, the run starts at 6 and bring your $20 hash cash!

Directions are as follows...
Go up Papaseea Rd and when you go over the bridge, it will be the first main road on the left hand side just past the Craigs compound (it has a sign for Samoa Tradition Resort). You will need to go past the next sign and turn off to the left for Samoa Tradition Resort and turn right at the next intersection. The house is in a compound of 2 yellow houses on the right side of the road. There will be balloons to mark the driveway

Friday, November 20, 2015

Hash Run 1804

Monday's run will be hosted by Gayboy at Sunrise Restaurant in Matauta in the Port. Drive towards the port, past the Marina, dodge the transvestites calling out Hello Sailor, and you will find it past the Ports Authority. Run starts at 6 PM, bring your 20 tala Hash Cash and enjoy the run to be followed by some yummy Sweet & Sour Cat.

We need a Scribe  volunteer as I will be in Paris for three weeks.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1800

This momentous occasion was characterised by what it was and what it was not – a quiet dignified affair, to reflect on the long history and achievements of Apia Hash, solicitous and retrospective discussion and analysis. Hell with 6 kegs this was going to be a good one!
We were again gracefully hosted by Apia Concrete Products, the Foundation of Samoa, and although we missed Uncle Fred’s presence, at least we only had one ukulele to contend with. There had been some missed smoke signals so two sets of hares had been out setting runs. Your Scribe fears that we actually ran both trails. It was on out the gate, with a long false trail towards the airport – we really need to codify the rules a bit better! Oh, no rules in Hash, so it was back and up the long slow climb of the road that has a name, but sweat was preventing its proper commitment to memory. For yes, while it was balmy by the shore at ACP, on these roads it was baking. It was pre-heat the oven, stick the silly fools in there and bake. Bake! At the top we veered right, into a false trail, then left, parallel for a while then up again. False trail, meandering through the side streets, for another false trail. The only benefit was that the Frontrunning Bastards were brought down a notch and the pack stayed remarkably together. However, derogatory comments were made about them when they eventually overtook the somewhat slower runners and walkers. This was totally forgotten by the time the circle started unfortunately. The trail eventually turned back towards Vaitele Road, and the common sentiment was to get back to ACP ASAP, no matter what f’ing idea for another false trail the Hares may have had in their addled minds. In this heat there is only one thing that works, and that is sucking down on Godfather’s succulent sweet nuts followed by Vailima!

With such a large turn-out, it was really hard to get the circle going. Sassygirl BJ had also just been pushed and shoved as she tried to sell the 1800 t-shirts, but she seemed to enjoy it. But when POD tried to get it all going, she was not only battling the voices of loud drunk lunatics (one Slim Shady), hyena-laughing brothers (Dawn Raid and AC/DC) and sundry others, but also the increasing pitch of the wind blowing in the wind. After resorting to using the voice normally reserved for Lewinsky malfeasances, she finally got us started.  New to Apia Hash was Mrs Whippy, although she has been present before but hiding in the kitchen. Then there was Fabian from Germany, one of a first of his kind not being able to follow orders, who dobbed in Sunny Side Up by using her real name.

The retreads were legion, so its appropriate to start with Dawn Raid (deported), Ozzy Osbourne (working late), Soprano (too lazy), Naval Base (cooking), Karaoke (babysitting motherless child), Kiwi AKA Tiger Woody (lost), Ring Ring (alone in the house), AC/DC (busy, or buzzing, couldn’t quite hear), Crash Bandicoot (looking after mother in law) and Xavier (paddling).

Katy was appointed shoe inspector and after a near fail, the absence of running shoes on FBI caught her attention. In what was obviously an attempt to pervert the cause of justice, a vote was set as to whether he had been hiding the evidence in the ocean. 99.8% of those present shouted their affirmation. It was then doubled as he was wearing a headband for non-religious purposes.
Celebrity Awards went to Captain Mortein (there is something rotten in the state of Denmark headline) and Crash and AC/DC as closest living relatives to Lezzie (seen in a photo chatting with the PM).

This Day in History Awards went to Katy and Swinger (1002 РEnglish king ̠thelred II orders the killing of all Danes in England, known today as the St. Brice's Day massacre Рthis was an entirely commendable act by the Poms), Witch Doctor (1905 РPrince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway), Snake and Hot Nuts (Feast Day of St Gregory of Tours), Gayboy (Feast Day of St Homobonus Рnot kidding, saint of handbag makers and business mens) and Poumuli (International Day for Tolerance Рout of tolerance for the previous saint).

The GM had done some research on the year 1800, and noted that in this year the world population reached the 1 billion mark, and promptly called on Soprano for his contribution. Also Napoleon crossed the Alps and invaded Italy, this went to Gianluca and our little Napoleon Karaoke. Smallpox vaccines also became available in North America, so this one went to Cockblocker as he is a pox upon women. It was also the first time that Christmas Day became a public holiday in the US, so Pussysnatcher came to enjoy that one.

Turning to the GM’s awards, she had been informed that Poumuli had been pissed as newt and had missed his flight and forced colleagues to step in for him. After explaining his side of the story, Slim Shady joined him for not advocating for fellow hasher/vindictiveness.

Ozzie was then brought forward to explain a keg mishap. He had complained that he wasn’t “getting any head”, to which Daz had commented “don’t you hate that”, with return comment “I am used to it”. They were joined by CB who had told a Mere “you have to go down or it won’t come”. Slim Shady snorted that this was the first time CB had provided excellent advice.

At this point the Mad Monk of Apia Hash arrived, and called on a young lady who plays with fire. Katy will henceforth be known as Flaming Buns.

Then she called on a Hasher who has played with Hot Cross Buns, and as he has a gynaecologist friend who has been teaching him things, henceforth Daz will be known as Nom Nom.

Another Hasher was brought forward who delves in manure and smelly stuff, and also talks a lot of crap, so henceforth Murray will be known as Shit Bags.
A schooling Mere was brought forward, who like an albatross hangs around the neck, beautiful for sure, but that will teach’um, so Ronna shall henceforth be known as Anchor.
Another bossy young lady was called up, talks a lot, carries on in that accent, so Claudia will henceforth be known as Il Capo.

A very young Hasher has not been named, the offspring of Pussysnatcher and Snatched, who shall henceforth be known as Scratcher.

A named Hash Mere had been sending smoke signals about being renamed, and in light of what happened to the Poms at the RWC, IRA shall henceforth be known as Cupless.

Then the Mad Monk had a huge down down before flying off on her broomstick.

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Lewinsky. When cause was requested, he offered a Good Parenting Award for hurling one of his sprogs bodily out  of the circle.
FBI nominated Swinger for the Illegal Parking of the Week Award, for having made him squeeze through. Because he didn’t like a bit of squeeze, FBI joined Swinger in the award. Slim Shady nominated Shit Bags and Strap On for the Ungentlemanly Award for not getting Wahoo a drink, which Wahoo heartily joined. Eveready then opined that since Poumuli hadn’t poured for her either that he should have gotten this award, but since Eveready hadn’t poured for Karaoke they both received this one.

Poumuli nominated Prince for bringing the Hash into disrepute for his athletic performance at the end, sprinting past huffing Hashers and amused locals. Sassy then nominated Swingmother for not being dressed as a Hasher, which was then turned into some sort of evocative dance.

Swinger wanted to nominate Godfather and Crime for messing up the trail, but ultimately they were all being idiots, led by our GM, so those three took one. Lewinsky nominated Gayboy for his new cup, bought by his Mum, showing how he was embracing his lifestyle. Not sure why this ended up with Lewinsky, Gayboy and Shit Bags taking this one.

Strap On related how last week after finishing the keg, a frantic call had been received that someone was looking for a hearing aid, and an expensive one at that. When he slipped up that this was Tammy rather than Titty Galore he let out a groan. Not to let this one go, CB added that he had been ready to go home, and it was he who had to look for Godfather’s ears with Strap On, thus Titty G and Strap On got a Heroes Award, although Godfather also dobbed in CB.

Swinger  then got his goat up and lambasted those Hashers who still don’t know the rules, etc etc. CB and Poumuli for missing crosses, Eveready and Kiwi for good blowjobs on Monica.
As it was Shit Bags birthday, he was allowed to speak, and he noted that if you cant be with the ones you love, love the ones you are with. Gayboy smartly stepped away. POD then added a French tricolour to the Hash Shrine, inxsnay on the Mad Monks brassiere.

Mismanagement was saluted, then the Hosts and the Hares, before we feasted on a great buffet offered by Naval Base. Yum.

Next week’s run, number 1804 will be hosted by Gayboy at the Blue Oyster Bar, or Sunrise Restaurant in Matauta in the Port.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

1800th RUN - 16th November 2016 .... Finally!

Talofa lava merry hashers

Next week we will finally host the 1800th Run by the Apia Hash House Harriers!

It really is that long ago since Hash was introduced to Samoa in 1980, by a young and new hasher, Joe Annandale and two other Kiwi friends.

Uncle Tupua Fred Wetzell and his family have again offered up their beautiful seaside location for our big one!!

T-shirst are currently being sorted out so please refer to the email circulated and add your name and preferred shirt type/colour and size. All shirts are SAT30.00 @.

It is also rumored that the Monk will be in the house to do some namings so beware!

For catering purposes, you are kindly asked to confirm participation so we can make sure there is plenty of kaikai to share!

We know there are several old time hashers who usually join us during the big occasions so please let us know if you will be joining us! We hope you do!

More information will be shared via our emails and facebook page. If you are anti-social :) and do not have a facebook page nor a working email, then send us a smoke signal to  or 


Mismanagement Extraordinaire !

Thursday, November 05, 2015

Hash Trash 1799 C

The Hash was hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker at the Nuthouse in Vailima, set back on a scenic plateau. It had been raining a lot that day so it seemed relatively cool, but impressions were soon to be changed. Hot Nuts came back from the swim, er run, looking like he had been taken through a carwash backwards. He left puddles! So with some trepidation we set out on his Mt Vaea Magic Carpet Ride. Well marked trail led us up the Cross Island Road, down towards the botanical gardens and into the trail leading to the top. But the trail appeared to head off towards SPREP, so off we trudged. This was a false trail, so we tried the Forestry Station trail where no markers were found. This meant only one thing, or rather two. One, the true trail led up to Mt Vaea, and two, the shortcutters went towards SPREP and out through the bush to the Cross Island Road. Let’s recall that inside the forest the humidity was at least 150%. If you opened your water bottle the level went up. The heat and wet was far too much for some, thus a leisurely jomp down the hill seemed prudent. Godfather’s sweet nuts were awaiting in the slight breeze, precious relief after the wet heat of the woods.

Hot Nuts stepped in as GM and called the circle to order. New to Hash were Amalia, a Greek-American brought by Bad Investment, and Toaimatagialetagaloalagi introduced by parents Snatched and Pussysnatcher. Shoe Inspector Cunning Linguist failed.

Retreads were Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess (held hostage by Captain), Slim Shady (early Alzheimer), Swinger (retired), Cockblocker (chasing gazelles), Snake (no work in Samoa), Kristiane (working late), Robert (in Switzerland) and Gianluca (long story, awesome, great). After their down-down Kristiane had another for wearing her cap on and Slim Shady for her shadys.

Celebrity Awards went to Imelda da Welda for Roadrunner (in paper and on tv), Poumuli (on tv), Swinger (for being a huge celeb while away) and Hot Nuts (forget).

This Day in History Awards went to all the Oz Volunteers (1960 – While campaigning for President of the United States, John F. Kennedy announces his idea of the Peace Corps, later copied by Oz), Snake (World Vegan Day – biggest meat eater in Hash), Pussysnatcher (National Cat Day) and Swinger (Feast Day of St James).

Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady nominated Snake for the Piece of Shit Award – he had been on a cow farm in NZ, threw his boots in bag covered in cow dung, and stood by while poor Samoan customs guy  smelled then licked a piece off the boot.

Murray offered up the Biodiversity Geeks Award to Hot Nuts for interrupting his enjoyment of the Jazz Festival with his talk of the joy of maggots. Snatched gave an Indecent Award to Poumuli for showing up at a kids Halloween party looking like a S&M mass murderer.

Gayboy got his Latecummer Award, while Poumuli nominated Captain Mortein for the Catlike Reflexes Award for only spilling ¾ of his beer.

At the Jazz Festival Alex had been having a great time, but the classy event was somewhat diminished by a Hasher who claimed to be no good at dancing round and round, but excellent at the up and down – Crime. In this regard Godfather thanked all those who had helped out but especially Sunny Side Up for her dancing Red Hot Jazz Virgin.

Gayboy was deemed to also have been a retread, and apparently had been seeing the aiga in Hong Kong. Snatched then expressed her confusion at the varying lengths of shorts that Hot Nuts had been sporting, and while this should have boomeranged as a Nut Fixation Award, he gamely took it.

The GM then gave his confusing RWC Award, for Ozzies loosing, all the Samoans playing and the Kiwis for winning – this involved Murray, Faumuina, Daz, Gayboy, Lewinsky and Strap On.
Snake nominated Swinger for the Poor Pommy Loser Award, added to by Slim Shady for Gratuitous Promotion of World Tour Award – he brought her a kitchen magnet! She joined for the Ungrateful Award as Nutcracker was well pleased with her kitchen magnet.

Before the Hosts and the Hare were saluted we had a round of thanks, love and gratitude from Slim Shady, Swinger and Godfather, while Gayboy noted that his first Hash had been at the other Nuthouse. We were all invited to come to the Kapiti Coast in NZ, and Hot Nuts emphasized the benefits for people to get involved in the fellowship and community of Hash. Nutcracker, not one for speaking up in the circle, thanked the Hash for making their stay in Samoa special and for introducing them to community members and places they would normally not encounter.

Godfather then brought up his being approached by SBC, and a vote was taken as to whether we should switch. Unanimous to await. We then did Goodbye My Feleni and Swing Low. Then we feasted.

Check the blog for next week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit