Sunday, July 29, 2012

Hash Run 1633 - Australian High Commission (Vailima) with Slim Shaddy and Frances - Theme: Olympic Ring Colors

Good Morning All,

Tomorrow's run will be up at the Australian High Commission compound up in Vailima/Vaoala area. Its the 2nd/main gate to the compound. The area will be marked off for parking and where we will have the hash run.

The theme for the day will be "Olympic Rings Colors" so don your best Olympic Colors and gear.
The hosts are also providing the spread for the evening.
We will have a keg and softies for the day and bring a change of clothes. Run starts normal time (1730 hrs) so see you all there!

On On

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Hash Trash 1632

The Hash was hosted by Crime, Godfather and Titty Galore behind Apia Park. It was deemed to be a need for a Hash Sports Day, so after a run around the block and into Apia Park, warming up with a lap on the track, Crime has arranged for a touch rugby match. This became the usual Hash mismanaged event, with great hilarity, cheating and grabbing of privates. We even had the attention of other teams playing, as Tallyho cried out “get a grip on it, Gayboy”. At his usual decibel level, this must have made them wonder what sort of team was playing in their midst. The overall score can best be described as inconclusive. It was on back to Crime’s place, where the sweet nuts of Godfather awaited next to the keg. The chefs were quick off the mark in cooking up a storm on the BBQ, and SOTB called the circle to order.

Those new to Apia Hash were called in – these were Maurie, Nicole and Margaret, brought by Pussysnatcher. All  got a taste of the down-downs. The rethreads were Frances and Anita. Celebrity Awards went to Lezzie (in the Observer, Crash Bandicoot took it), Weathercock (in Observer for the cyclone meeting) and Lewinsky (clipping describing Clinton Licking Beavers, and for being on a fishing show on TV – hence a double).

This Day in History Awards went to Transporter (1807 – first patent for an internal combustion engine, used for transporting a boat), Ladyfinger (1922 – League of Nations mandate of Samoa given to NZ), Swinger (1484 – Battle of Lochmaben Fair where James III defeated the rebels), Crime (1934 – Public Enemy Number 1 Dillinger shot by FBI), Tallyho (Ratcatcher’s Day – he had let one escape), Snake (St Margaret the Virgin’s Day) and Poumuli (1304 – Stirling Castle falls – family ties).

The GM turned to his awards, and had noticed that the sports day had been graced by the world’s best ref (surely shome mishtake), which went to Dumass, who will no doubt be hired by the IRB. Snake as Shoe Inspector found one set in the dashing rugby boots of Sione, during which Weathercock complained that Vailima had released the glue from his boots the last time.

We had all noticed a certain Hasher being a bit rough on the field, pushing meres and being cheeky to the ref. As the accusations flew, it was agreed that both Cockblocker and Lewinsky should get the Intentional Foul Groping Award. Tallyho wanted to add to this that there was another hasher who had also been groping the meres, namely Swinger. Tallyho was made to join for jumping the gun.
Quick off the mark as nominations were opened, Poumuli reminded how SOTB had invited Witch Doctor to come to Ynot for a last drink, and then not showing up. A No-Show Award to SOTB. 

Sassygirl BJ wanted to nominate those Hash Meres who had been enjoying the gropiness of the game, namely the Doctor, Hornithologist and Frances, so they got the Are You Just Happy To See Me Award.
Tallyho nominated Gayboy for not being able to hold on to the ball, obviously not Living Up to His Hash Name Award. Sassy quickly turned on Tallyho for his admission that no Viagra would get him up – a Weak At The Knees Award.

In a complete miscarriage of justice as usual, Tallyho managed to twist the facts surrounding the run back into an event whereby Poumuli had been eyeing up the local totty. This resulted in a Sleeping on the Couch Tonight Award for Poumuli. Hot off his success, Tallyho nominated Ozzie Osbourne for driving his chariot to and from the sports day, also joined by SOTB for giving rides in the VERTS vehicle.

During the game, Sassy had observed one Hasher sitting on the sidelines, not joining in and muttering that he was not abled. So since Today must have done something to Tomorrow, they were both given a down-down. Tallyho nominated Hot Flush and Strangler for staring at buxom circus performers, and in their absence this went to Ozzie.

Poumuli had been in a meeting with two other Hashers, one of whom (Screamer) was prolonging the meeting, while the other (Weathercock) was prompting it to shut down so he could go to Hash. A Dedication to Hash Award was therefore given to Weathercock, and a note taken to punish Screamer next week.
Finally, the hosts were saluted before we gobbled up the delicious BBQ spread.

Next week will be hosted by Slim Shady and Frances from the Australian Compound. The theme will be the Olympics, so watch the blog for map and details. Tallyho will be the Scribe.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, July 20, 2012

Hash Run 1632 - Sports day with Crime

Good Morning All,

Next week's run is being hosted by Crime, Godfather and Titty-G at Crimes home at Apia Park. We will have ourselves a fun sports day on Monday so bring your best sporting maneuvers with you on the day. The hosts will be providing the spread for us on the day (I hear there is an Umu as well as a BBQ).

Run starts at 1730Hrs and dont forget to bring your hash cash. We will have the Keg and softies and sweet nuts on the day also.

See you all then!

On On

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Hash Trash 1631

The Hash was hosted by Lewinsky, Princess of Darkness, ProBoner and the children out at Taumeasina. Several of us had spotted a panting and sweating Lewinsky on the road outside Apia Park, but none of us imagined the torture he had been planning! A calm and warm day, perfect for a run under normal circumcisions, or so we thought. Lewinsky directed us on left out the gate on to Matafagatele Street. We got to the entry to the mangroves by the bridge, and a few set out to check if there was a trail there, but to no avail. Trail continued down the dry and dusty road, cloaked with helpful rubbish fires. Another circle check at the Vaivase Road junction had some chugging further down towards Fagalii, but the trail was found and it was up into the back of Vaivase. Some had run so far ahead that when the true trail was found on lower Cemetery road, they figured they would continue around Vaivase primary and hit the road back at Faipule Road. So that is how Tallyho and Gayboy nearly ran over the rest of the pack in their eagerness to return to the beer. Down Faipule we went, right to the UN buildings and then on home past Apia Park. By my dead reckoning on the map I put that at a 6km run, without the false trails!

Back at Taumeasina, the GM and Crash Bandicoot were busying themselves with the BBQ while the rest of us rehydrated through the medium of Godfather’s sweet nuts.

The GM called the circle to order and asked those new to Apia Hash to step forward. Before that though he was caught out in cellphonus interruptus, and after tossing his phone to the floor did his award. The newcomers were Jane, Craig and JT who were brought by Godfather and who are engaged in some charitable work on the south side; Sara and Monique brought by Witch Doctor; Jamie from Vailele brought by Cockblocker; and Jamie from Jersey who had been brought by someone called Simma. Screamer was brought forward in honour of this slip-up.

The rethreads were Poumuli, Vai Vai, Moa, CB, Transporter, Skidmark and Crash. No explanations were asked, none given. Lewinsky the Shoe Inspector set about with vigour, as he was no doubt aware that he would receive his just rewards this evening. Remarkably he found two – Weathercock and Jamie, who both took this horror without a shred of dignity. The GM decided that Lewinsky should also get the Doing His Job Award for finally finding some new shoes.

Celebrity Awards went to Sexpot (infomercial in the Observer, taken by Skidmark) and DavidH (article in Marshall Islands Journal on waste, taken by closest living relative Screamer). Gayboy claimed to have seen Godfather in the paper, but had brought no evidence – but in the end Craig did the honours.
This Day in History Awards went to Crash (St Francis Day), Tallyho (1888 volcano Mt Bandai erupts, killing hundreds, much like Tallyho’s voice), and SOTB (1960 Jane Goodall begins her studies of chimpanzees, closest living relative being SOTB). Finally a Product Placement Award was given to Tallyho for lending his name to a brand of cigarette (yeah?) rolling paper. He protested this one vehemently, accusing Poumuli of using said paper for illegal use.

The GM started his awards by giving a Biggest Loser Award to Skidmark for shedding 13kg in the gym, which he intended to put back on him with the next few awards. The GM had also provided assistance to Vai Vai to get a Hash swim team (to be named team Sharkbait) for the local swim contest, but on the stipulation that the GM be gentle with him during the circle. This was of course the proverbial sharkbait, or chum, which led to a large one being poured for Vai Vai.

Claiming to be working in Savaii, the GM had stumbled across Sexpot and Desperate Housewife, who pointed out the peculiar menu at a certain resort. All the hamburgers were named after the Lewinsky/POD offspring! Which beggared the question why the ingredients for each were so different and why were they priced so far apart! This wasn’t even bad parenting – it’s a Child Traumatisation Award for when they learn to read!

Three leaners, Sara, Crime and Pirate Princess were spotted, before nominations were taken. Poumuli nominated Pirate Princess and ProBoner for the Gastronomically Confused Award, having taken Wahoo to CV for lunch, and instead of spring rolls got samosas and instead of a papaya smoothie got a tuna papaya salad. The two restaurateurs were joined by Deidra. Poumuli also had an Easy Rider Award for Strangler, having spotted him on his new motorbike, hair aflow from under a Nazi biker helmet.

The GM had enough of this, and nominated Poumuli for bringing back some deadly bug that had him spewing his lungs out on the run. Transporter had been wagering on a game at a local establishment of some ill repute, and was good to go until the TMO decision nearly derailed him. Anyway, the taker of the bet all but disappeared at that point, and when cornered Lewinsky refused to pay up as it was his bar! Then Transporter got a bit kerfuffled in his explanation which had diverted into Lewinsky paying for his butt, and as Tallyho pointed out – no poofters in the Hash, so Transporter, joined by Gayboy, received the Mangled Storyline Award. Get it straight next town (oh how we pun).

Sassygirl BJ nominated an over-excited visitor who had showered her with kisses earlier – Craig thus continued the downward spiral. This inspired the GM to relate how one Hash Mere had brought the softies and insisted that she had to go home to look after some kids, oh but have one beer, ok then, and she never left! Titty Galore stepped forward somewhat shyly for the No Child Left Behind Award.
Poumuli pointed out that Witch Doctor, Ninja and Hiromi were leaving, so a Leavers Award was given. Sassy waxed biblically for a while on the story of Samson and Delilah, and since Samson had cut his hair was brought forward for the Lost Mane Award. He was joined by CB for some sort of poofterism. Screamer tried to get Sassy for doing that nomination while leaning, which led to accusations of butt-looking, and the inevitable shared award for wearing the same colours of black and red.

Lewinsky had a gripe to pick with Prince for entertaining guests at previously mentioned lugubrious hellhole of an excuse for a bar, and claimed he hadn’t paid his tab.  A vigorous defence by Transporter turned out to no avail, but nor did it save Lewinsky!

Godfather’s visitors then did an unusual little raffle for us, leading to prizes being given to Neil, Pirate Princess, Witch Doctor, Transporter, Crime, Snatched, Monique, Deidra, Godfather and Prince. Since the latter was an All Blacks shirt, the GM demanded that all Kiwis do the Haka, and led by Prince this brought tears of horror to the eyes of many of the children present. All seriousness aside, the GM then decreed that the entire NZ visiting crew do a down-down.

The Hare and the Hosts, Lewinsky, POD, ProBoner, and chefs SOTB and Crash were honoured. A special Hash Anthem performance, led by the supremely masturbatory antics of Tallyho, was carried out in honour of the leavers.

A superb feast was consumed and the beer flowed well into the night.

Next week’s hash will be hosted by Crime in Togafuafua behind Apia Park. It will be a Hash Sports Day so watch the blog for details.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, July 16, 2012

Hash Trash 1630

Prance, prance wherever you maybe, I am the lord of the prance, said he!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be, And I'll lead you all in the prance, said he!
And so we, the small but dedicated band of hard core hashmen and hashmeres, rocked-up at OTR, favoured drinking place of all the Grumpiest Old Bastards in Apia; we hash in the rain, we hash in the sun, we hash wherever we may be, we even hash at OTR (helping to add to the grumpiness of the place by upsetting all the GOB), and we follow the hare whoever he may be. And tonight we followed that prancing, chancing, dancing hashman Swinger as he led us on a live-hare prancing and dancing promenade around the town. Out the back of OTR onto the most expensive bit of road in town, up Ififi Street, round the side of the cemetery, past a couple of rather unsavoury looking washing/bathing pools which being at least half-a-mile from the sea and about 20 yards from the cemetery might not be the best place to drink from, and eventually into Togafuafua Road. We then pranced gaily past GayBoy’s “gatering” emporium, danced quickly past a pack of very unhappy sounding dogs which were fortunately locked inside a compound, out into Clock Tower Road, down the road where the sound of running feet and cries of “on on” past the Snake Pit must have woken Snake and Fang from their afternoon nap, and across the Clock Tower circus, no chance of Azontoing happening there tonight despite Ozzie trying to look like the gut in the advert, and round the back of the government building and on home to OTR.  

Funny how the number of hashmen and meres had increased significantly by the time the pack returned, some claimed to have done the run, others said they lost the paper and took a short cut back and since there was no paper this was at least vaguely plausible, for a change.
Anyway after what seemed to be a very long wait the GM called the circle to order. First up was Ursula a visiting German via NZ, helping Hornithologist to chase birds of the feathered variety and not the birds of the fluffy variety normally chased by the GM. Since there was no Godfather with his ukulele and no Sassy with her Eartha Kitt alto, it was left to that ageing but angelic ex-choirboy Tallyho to set the key in A-Flat-Beer for the hash choir. A veritable swarm of retreads were next; Fang, Snake, Rattlesnake and Venom visiting yet again from Snake Pit 3, Rebecca (another of Hornithologist's bird-chasing birds) who was supported by Hornithologist for failing to instruct about something or other. Neil was next caught leaning, but the poor lad must be exhausted being the “volunteer” at SPREP who has to do everyone else’s work while they swan around the world emitting noxious gases and stamping enormous carbon footprints everywhere causing further damage to the environment so they can then get more money to repair the damage that they themselves have caused. 

Weathercock was the local celebrity having been quoted in the Observer as saying that we shall all be in an El Nino by Xmas, there will be droughts and pestilence, cyclones and Cyclops and very likely the end of the world by Easter. Snake then noted that Tallyho should have the global celebrity award for something or other that was on the BBC, the Olympics being in London, the poms beating the Australians at cricket AGAIN, the Queen’s jubilee or something like that; but quite what Snake was doing listening to the BBC in the first place left the circle baffled.

Lewinsky failed to find any new shoes so was duly served a DD; and Witchdoctor was dobbed for being Poumouli’s CLR for his failure to send any history lessons for the circle this week; apparently he was too busy flying between Samoa and Fiji three times in the week.
In the absence of Crime the GM then dobbed poor Tallyho for being burgled on Sunday and Weathercock was called forward for leaving the hash BBQ exposed on his deck so that could have been nicked by the burglar at Tallyho’s next door. TopShelf then dobbed Weathercock again for apparently having turds printed on his T-shirt, but it seems that TopShelf was the only one who was looking at Weathercock’s man-boobs to see this, as the actual design was of peanuts, but then TopShelf would heed a set of steps and grappling irons to get close to Weathercock’s upper-body to able to see anything clearly. Tallyho picked on Ozzie for trying to look like one of the “cool dudes” in the Azonto advert (sunglasses, b/b cap at rakish angle, board-shorts), what is the hash coming to. Snake and Lewinsky then dobbed each other for something to do with a generator, presumably this is the one that powered the bloody great wheel in the engineer’s song and kept everyone in their families happy.

The GM followed next with an award to Swinger for something indecipherable, and Lewinsky did for Tallyho again for his holy shorts, last week it was Horny Ho perving Tallyho’s holy shorts, it is a real worry when Lewinsky is also perving; remember Rule 1, and Rule 1a: thou shalt not covet a Hashman’s Ass. Lewinsky was on a roll, many wished he was under a roller, as he now dobbed the GM for a lack of tools to fix the BBQ. Then in the circle it was the turn of Prince with his leggings, TopShelf in her lavalava, Today and Tomorrow for being too quiet, and Neil for something or other. Lewinsky must have been sniffing something as he was off again with dobs to the BBQ chefs Prince and SOTB. Then TopShelf was called out to do her bit for Old Glory and the 4th of July, and Snake was caught fondling, Fang presumably. Lewinsky (yet again) jumped in to dob Prince who he said was so under-employed at Transporters place that he was always cruising around doing nothing. The circle was now getting so fed up with hearing Lewinsky that the GM dobbed him for taking unseemly pleasure in dobbing all his hash mates. This got the biggest cheer of the evening.
Weathercock and Swinger then traded dobs, Weathercock complained that when he called Swinger at 6am to get a phone number as his house was flooding from a burst pipe Swinger didn’t answer, so where was he when his mates needed him; Swinger then complained that Weathercock should know his landlady’s number and not bother him with such trivialities so early on the morning. Well your scribe thinks that was the story anyway. Weathercock then took his revenge on Lewinsky as he had failed to invite the Commissioner of Police to join the circle to give us all an excuse to avoid the breathalyser. And so finally we came to the live-hare Swinger, Neil who was page-like in following in Swinger’s footsteps and Snake who somehow got into the final DDs.
On On and Toodle Pip 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Hash Run 1631 - Probonner, Lewinsky, POD and Family at Taumeasina

Good Morning All,
Next weeks run is being hosted by Proboner, Lewinsky, POD and family at their home in Taumeasina. The hosts have kindly offered to put on a spread for the run so just turn up with your running gear, a change of clothes (If you wish to go for a swim in the ocean after the run) and your hash cash of $15.

We will have a keg, softies and coconuts on the day so see you all there.

On On

Monday, July 09, 2012

Fiji Nash Hash

Bula Apia Hashers
A national Hash (Nash Hash) will be held in Fiji in August this year. Attached is the document that will allow you to register etc if you are able to go. You can also get the form by email if you let Weathercock know.
On on
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1629

Bula from Nadi - your Scribe was whisked off for more work unfortunately, but below find a great accounting from last week from Tallyho
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Ah, the smell of new mown grass, the moon rising in a clear sky to the east, the sun-setting golden in the west, a balmy breeze blowing through Weathercock’s garden, it was like our resident weatherman had ordered this beautiful hashing weather from the great meteorologist and hashman in the sky, what better hashing conditions could we need. Bugger all this climate change nonsense, all we need do is get Weathercock to sort it and we shall have endless summer days with light showers in the early afternoon just to keep the dust down before the run.
Anyway, here we were, Hash Chariots filled the compound, some drivers demonstrating symptoms of AIDS (Acquired Inability to Drive Steadily), obviously learning the Samoan way of driving, if it is in-the-way try to drive-over-it rather than around, and demolishing several of Weathercock’s bushes in the process.
Weathercock explained that the run was set on flour and if no flour could be found then follow the trail on used diapers or empty twisty packets. On-on and on-flour, out the drive and up towards Tafaigata with gossiping hashmeres Karaoke and Sassy in the lead, for about twenty yards anyway. Then at the first junction Weathercock’s check signs had many scratching their heads, Tallyho Ho checked on-straight, found flour and convinced many to follow…… and others checked right and found the true trail leaving Tallyho and the first lot to catch-up. Much to their annoyance the trail then went left and left again, past Screamer’s place and then right, and we were back on the Tafaigata road about twenty yards from where the on-back had been… cunning.
Gayboy having boasted about his fitness training was now seen puffing and panting up the slight incline, and complaining loudly, as another falsie took him and few others off towards Vaitele Uta.  But the trail kept going and then took a left towards Falelauniu. The FRBs were now so far in front that it was hard to see who was there as they milled around at the next left turn back towards Siusega. Then like a bunch of lemmings they all followed Swinger, leaving the rest of the pack to make the check with Tallyho leading on paper towards Falelauniu. When the paper ran out it seems Tallyho remembered Weathercock’s advice to follow the trail of used diapers and stuff, and thus eventually found himself as the FRB at the back of the Orator. Calling on-on the FR lemmings finally came into view and headed on-up to the main road and then round to the long downhill on-home. The last to appear was ex-Suva hashman Porno who was totally stuffed and decided that on-home back the way he had come was the better part of going further uphill. A good run with a few falsies that had the FRBs checking hither and thither and had GayBoy complaining like a whingeing pom.

The GM, in rather subdued fashion called the circle to order; Hash virgins and visitors were first up with Mike, Pat (one-time Suva hashman hashname Porno) and Tom all working in MNRE, and Andy a Scotsman giving legal advice to SPREP, no doubt spends most of his time on legalities of lost luggage for all SPREP staff. Failures were Clare who is teaching Ukulele to youth in Godfather’s village, Horny Ho and Top Shelf who mumbled some sort of excuses and Gay Boy who claimed to have been training, but was seen puffing and panting on the trail. No doubt too much after-training exercise.
Lewinsky tried his best to find some new boots but failed miserably and took his punishment; and Screamer was the only celebrity with a full frontal (cheesy grin) in the day’s paper.
Strangler, GayBoy and Topshelf were the next to be dragged forward for some misdemeanor or other followed quite without reason by Weathercock (unusual trail markings) and Tallyho (not heeding on-back) at the final check. EverReady and Lewinsky were dobbed for failing to protect the meres from a pack of puppydogs and Andy was dobbed for a good Scottish trait of getting into a post-match fight after the Scots beat the Manu. Mike and Tom were chatting away to themselves and were dragged forward for failing to pay respect to the GM. TittyG was spotted hiding in the corner and was unceremoniously shoved forward for failing to declare herself a failure having been away for many weeks. The GM’s less than authorative performance this evening was picked on by Sassy who dobbed him for being a wimp (or something like that, mother/son stuff).  Horny Ho then dobbed poor Tallyho for having a hole in his hash shorts, but since she was obviously perving a hashman’s bum and not paying attention she was also dobbed for being fixated with Tallyho’s assets.
Strangler was the next up for hopeless-surfer-of-the-year award, Weathercock was caught holding up the house, Hot Flush was also doing something she shouldn’t and Karaoke was doing something with cocks, this bit got a bit muddled when scribes pencil started to fade.
Horny Ho, boosted by her earlier dobbing triumph, picked on Slippery for kicking Swinger’s dog, this then brought out some more shaggy-dog dobs, firstly on Screamer for having her dog’s leg amputated and Swinger for being an odd-dog man in driving the three-legged dog and Screamer to the vet.
Tallyho congratulated Karaoke and Eveready for being a miracle at church on Sunday as they had appeared in the doorway just as the Faifeau was declaring that miracles can happen even here in Samoa. Gayboy dobbed TopShelf for something to do with her arse, but your Scribes writing is not very clear exactly what this was about. Weathercock was chastised for only having one light on the deck and for having to get the combined efforts of Swinger and the GM to replace a light bulb. Your scribe can’t recall which of them was holding the bulb and which was doing the screwing-in. GayBoy then dobbed Horny Ho for the size of her sausage, and Strangler was dobbed for failing to turn-up at Ninja’s farewell after promising to be there.
Sassy called Today, Tomorrow and Ninja for the Bad-drivers-of-the-week award for demolishing trees in the garden and Emily and Charlie were dobbed for being too quiet and hiding in the background. Hornithologist, Witchdoctor, Frances and Ozzie were next to taste the coldness of the DDs for either being Australian, South African or American; or for other reasons undecipherable on the scribe’s back-of-an-envelope notes. Finally Weathercock as hare and host stepped forward declaring he was taking a DD for his 3rd son’s birthday as well.
Despite all this lot the keg was only just beginning to float as the pack slowly started to float away into the moonlight.
On on and toodle pip