Friday, August 31, 2012

Hash Trash 1637

Delving into the archives of hash-words of runs from the distant past your Scribe discovered that probably the last time we ventured into the heights of Tapatapa’o was on run 884, in March 1998, set by Greenie. On that evening the hash covered a good deal of this trail when the river was a raging torrent of “greenie”-brown water rather than the scenic scramble over the large dry boulders that we enjoyed this week. Well of course that doesn’t include TTG who managed to almost drown herself in the two inches of very smelly stagnant water that pretended to be a stream. Even hashmen who normally flock to perve any hashmere in a wet T-shirt were put off by the monster-from-the-marsh apparition that was TTG as she lay spread-eagled in foetid water. But more of that later. First a succession chariots roared up the long-winding road to Tapatapa’o, no-doubt leading many of the usual residents to think that either someone very important had died or that there was to be big function at Dave Barkers Cloud 9 bar. But the chariots raced past the entrance to Cloud9 screeched to a halt and did a hard left-hand-down-a-bit to Toa’i and Cecilia’s parent’s garden. The pack sniffed the cool, clean mountain air, listened to the birds in the trees and thought how wonderful it would be to live up here – until they remembered that it was probably 10km to the nearest shop selling beer, fags or bread. Anyway a large crowd of hash chariots had made the journey and even Today and Tomorrow found their way to the start which was something of a miracle since they were lost in Vaitele last week.  Finally the GM called the pack to order and the instructions were to follow paper out of the gate and on-right. Well that was clear enough, certainly there was plenty of paper as we headed towards Cloud9 where the trail to a right through the hedge and through a newly cut bush area and down into the stream-bed. And that was about a clear as the trail got. No paper anywhere but than a whisper passed up the long line of hashmen vainly looking for some sign of the trail, that the trail was now set on red ribbons!!!  Red ribbons!! What are we, a Morris Dancing team or hashmen….. maybe the hare thought there would be a sudden flood to wash away the paper but by the looks of the grass growing between the rocks in the stream there had been no water in it for weeks… finally a piece of red ribbon was spotted on a fallen tree we plodded, scrambled and stumbled over the rocks and boulders. Toothfairy was seen clutching his ankle and we thought we might have to call Sam the Fireman to come and rescue him, but the thought that the ESA response time was probably several days he gamely staggered to his feet and pressed on. Finally we came upon some water which seemed to just disappear into the ground leaving us to wonder where it might reappear since there had been no sign of any water in the stream so far. TTG obviously decided to make a closer inspection and promptly fell flat on her face in the water which turned out to be exceedingly smelly and probably full of all sorts of nasty bacteria. Even the prospect of hashmere in a wet T-shirt could not stop nearby hashmen from backing away from the ghastly apparition that was now TTG. Those of the pack who have been watching the endless replays of MIB on tv3 will have some idea of what TTG looked like. After another few hundred metres of slipping and sliding and trying to avoid putting feet, let alone bodies in the stagnant water, we came to a broken weir and finally some paper again. The paper led up the right but then was no more, Swinger, Owen and sundry other FRBs disappeared up the hill, while the rest of the pack checked around the various other trails; and then from the back of the pack appeared Transporter strewing paper hither and thither and calling on on as he too headed up the hill. There were serious mutterings about live hares, failing to set clear trails, leaving bits of Cecilia’s knicker-elastic tied to tree roots and sundry other offences that would need to be dealt with later. And so the pack came up out of the valley and gathered outside the small church that marks the end of the road and a steady down-hill run on home.
Not much running on the first part of the trail but a great venue and some new country for most of the pack. And so to the Circle.

New Footprints and virgins: Charlotte from OZ brought by Nina; John from NZ brought by Lady Finger who we were told was otherwise known in NZ as Gold Finger & Greasy Finger.
Next up were the usual retread culprits: Prince had been in NZ being briefed for his new job in the Australian High Commission; Nina had been doing “other things”; Snake had been keeping the home fires stoked in NZ celebrating Fang’s 50th birthday and had brought Skunk back with him after also celebrating Skunk’s 90th (?) birthday in NZ. Rod also made a return to the hash having been away for 30 years. 

This week’s celebrity award went to Swinger whose mum had been featured as an expert witness in a much publicized indecency case in which she had explained in some detail to the CJ how to rummage around in ladies’ naughty bits in a way that does not arouse any suspicion of naughtiness. All hashmen should take note.
As usual Poumouli had sent in his dubious selection of history and the days of St Monica and St Gregory were celebrated by Lewinsky and the various Gregs in the circle.  It was also the birthday anniversaries of Donald Bradman (b1908) which brought forth Ozzie as a budding cricketer; Mother Teresa (b1910) was represented as a saintly mere by Ring Ring (who probably needs the patience of a saint to live with Insecurity); the Mary Poppins film was first released in 1964 and Hornithologist was chosen as the hash’s most-like Poppins character; and in 1993 some medical records were discovered which showed that doctors had prescribed large quantities of cocaine and heroin solutions to Queen Victoria, so our resident doctor Toa’i took the DD. I can’t understand why Queen Vic always looked so miserable, she must have been between prescriptions. Finally from the hash archives it was 16 years to the day that Weathercock had his farewell run (797) from the old Outrigger at Vaiala beach. And now he is leaving again tonight.

Snake was nominated as Shoe Inspector and after some desperate attempts to find someone to dob he picked on Nina, who refused to drink from her shoe as her foot had been inside it ……. Yes and soooo, better your own foot than someone else’s. The GM offered his boot but at this she almost went into a faint. Up steps gallant “uncle Lewinsky” to let her drink from a mug lodged inside her new boot. At this a great cry of accusation went up from the circle, “uncle” Lewinsky, in the absence of POD, up to his usual tricks trying (and failing as usual) to impress the meres …. So the pair of them did a DD.  Hornithologist then dobbed herself by talking about “Neville”.
Transporter was next to be dragged forward for failing to tell the GM that the run was set on red-ribbons (red knicker-elastic, a souvenir piece of which has been kept for the Hash Shrine when we finally find a suitable Ark), as well as paper, this lack of information led Weathercock and sundry BWBs to lose the trail as soon as we hit the stream bed and so they wandered aimlessly around for half an hour trying to find a way out. Fortunately it seems that Today and Tomorrow had just about managed to keep the tail end of the pack in sight as they slowly climbed through the rocks so we didn’t lose them this week.

Godfather was up next for failing to stop TTG from falling into the stagnant water and then telling her that whilst she looked good in the wet T-shirt, she did not smell too nice from the swamp.
Tallyho was then the subject of much mirth and derision as his GPS didn’t work on the run cos we were so far from civilization there was no mobile signal and his head-lights weren’t needed cos we were back in daylight. One day you lot will be sorry for this ……

For the weekend rugby results Prince stepped forward for the winning ABs, Weathercock for the zero-scoring Wallabies and Owen was the surrogate Springbok. Next those who remembered Transporter’s run a few weeks ago recalled that his “workshop” was mainly full of old wrecks used as props for a certain mobile phone advert. It seemed to the hash tonight that his business empire must be expanding as the “in-laws” garden was also full of wrecks for which he was awarded a congratulatory DD. Sassy then dobbed Rob for trying to fondle TTG, fortunately for him Godfather wasn’t watching and the DD was taken by Lady Finger. Sassy was on a roll with this dob (she’s probably not getting much other sort of rolling at the moment with a crook hubby) and so called Brent into the circle for standing in the road watching in hope for his missus to appear in the distance – it was not clear whether he was hoping she would appear or hoping otherwise. After this Toa’i was dobbed by the GM for failing to pay him for services rendered (or something like that anyway) and then the GM himself ended up with a Double for something to do with the BBQ. Snake then spotted Owen leaning, and this prompted Lewinsky to call for a congratulatory DD for Snake who had fixed the wiring in Lewinsky’s den of iniquity after many years of dodgy wiring when patrons were at risk of being electrocuted every-time they bought a beer. This caused uproar in the circle; Lewinsky using hash beer to pay Snake for work done in his bar, what a tight bastard, the wrath of the hash was great, and Lewinsky was also in the circle with Snake.
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
For I can't help falling in love with you

Like all SPREP staff Weathercock has nothing to do each day except surf-the-net and wait for the climate to change; today in his surfing he had spotted that Neil Armstrong had gone on another journey, presumably even beyond the moon this time, and called for all those born-after the first moon-landing on July 20 1969 to step forward. Although this probably applied to most of the circle Brent, missus Brent, Owen and Toa’i stepped forward to represent the rest.
The thought of long journey’s stirred Sassy again and she called Toothfairy into the circle for sending his missus and ankle-biter off to NZ so he could play more golf….. Transporter then dobbed Lewinsky for something or other but the pack was as confused as your scribe (and Transporter) and both ended up with mugs in their hands. The Hares and Hosts, Cecilia, Toa’I (and mum n dad), Prince and Transporter, were commended for a great venue and run in new ground for most of the pack, and for the even greater spread of food that could be seen on the table, a veritable feast with two pua’a doing their bit for the gratification of the hash. Finally Owen, Brent & Swinger, members of the hash team for the perimeter run on Saturday, were sent on their way with mugs of the fluid of sustenance.

Next week’s run will be at Snake Pit 2, opposite Senese  School in Vaitele.
And for those that like to sing-along with Godfather this week we have the words to “only fools rush in”, an apt summary of the hash.
On On and Toodle Pip

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Hash Run 1638 - Snake and Skunk @ Snake Pit 2 Vaitele (Senese)

Good Morning All,

Hope you are all recovered from Mondays fantastic run! Next weeks run is being hosted by Snake and Skunk at the Snake Pit 2 in Vaitele (Senese School). We have had a few runs from this location so you shouldn't have any problems finding your way there.

The Hosts have kindly offered to put on the spread for us so just bring your running gear, drinking boots and hash cash on the day. There will be a Keg and softies and sweet nuts.
Run starts normal time: 1730Hrs

See you all then!
On On

Monday, August 27, 2012

Hash Run 1637 - Cecilia & Toa'i @ Tapatapao (up by Aleisa)

Good morning All,

Trust you all had a great weekend. Tonight's Hash run is being hosted by Cecilia & Toa'i at their family home in Tapatapao (Up on the way to Aleisa and Cloud9). The hosts have kindly offered to put on a spread for this evenings run so bring a change of clothes and something warm as it gets a little bit chilly up there in the evenings.

We will have our Keg, softies and sweet nuts as per usual and please bring your hash cash $15.

Run will start at 1730hrs so try be early as we want to get back before it gets too dark.

Directions: Head up to Aleisa, and when you reach the intersection to Aleisa, carry on straight up the Cloud 9 Road. The house will be on your left hand side when you head up that road just after the 2nd "Dave Parker Eco Lodge" road sign. Look out for the Hash Sign just after Cloud 9.

Call the GM on 7600800 if you get lost..

On On

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Hash Trash 1636

Sawassdee from Bangkok. The Hash was rescued from a boring town run by Ring Ring who decided to bring us out to the hills behind Vaitele. A cool evening promised a good run, but we had not thought about the deviousness of our Hare in setting false trails. As a result, after setting off at a good pace, Tallyho went one way and Poumuli the other, and lo and behold, Tallyho was going the right way. Through the back roads the trail led, with one very tricky off the road trail that turned to be a false one. Trailing along the roads thankfully deplete of dogs, we made our way up and down the back roads, but by now the false trails had been discovered by the Front Running Bastards, supplemented by new blood this time. There was however plenty of shenanigans that happened on the trail, to be reported. Back to the house the welcome sight of Godfathers sweet nuts awaited and all was well.
SOTB was present and as he had run was reasonably coherent. Those new to Apia Hash were asked to step forward, and these were Annie, wife of Brent who ran with us some years ago, and Jerry from Samoa who had been brought by Gayboy. They were quickly introduced to the down down principle. Rethreads were of course Brent (back for a year or so), Sassygirl BJ, Slippery, Gayboy, Siv, Lucy and Wall. AC/DC turned up late so was given a double for him to contemplate on the rocky ride to Tokelau.
Lewinsky as Shoe Inspector came up horribly empty, and tried his hand at a false accusation that the GM rebuffed. Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (dad in the paper), Swinger (mom in the paper), Transporter and Tooa’I, with a special one for Gayboy.

This Day in History Awards went to Lewinsky (1998 Clinton tried to redefine the meaning of the word “is”), Ozzie (1980 Dingo took my baby incident), Tallyho (1783 huge fireball rockets across UK skies to disappear in the southern seas, obviously a harbinger to Tallyho coming here) and Poumuli (1993 Oslo Peace Accords – yeah those worked out real well).

The GM proceeded with his awards, starting with a Hasher leaving us for unknown duration. Captain Mortein nearly had to drink from the big bowl, but in the end took a large glass. Bon voyage Captain, and see you soon. Turning to the run, one hasher had “found” an item by the side of the road and had proudly brought back a vicegrip, so Godfather got the Finders Keepers Award.

At the close of the run we observed a certain grandfather bringing in the girl in a souped up carriage, but whose wheels looked like they had been through a septic tank. Eveready claimed the I Am Innocent Award. Slippery, in a moment of misplaced gallantry went to his aid, but forgot his cap so it was doubled. A special graduation award went to Gayboy for finally completing his studies in the hiding of cats. Finally, one hasher had been bragging that he had beat the GM on the run when in fact he was a short cutting bastard, so a SCB Award went to Transporter.

As always when she is present nominations from the floor were quickly taken up by Sassy – she had come to the rescue of a hasher who needed jumper cables. Instead she put hers and the weight of her passengers to use and gave him a push start. Gallantry Received Award to Poumuli.

Hornithologist then awarded Becky something relating to Air NZ, and she was joined by Lewinsky for dropping the beer. Sassy got back in there and nominated a hasher for bragging how big his nuts were, when in fact we had all been struggling to open the soft ones that Godfather had brought. He offered to disprove this statement, quickly declined by the Hash.

Ozzie had been observing some romance in the circle, and how one hasher fancying a certain mere had killed a pig to show his affection. While Becky could be excused from this, as we are in Samoa, she did however take the award.
Continuing on her automotive theme, Sassy nominated Neil for the Non Fast Track Award for his lack of luck with his rear lights. She also got Today and Tomorrow for nearly crashing all and sundry’s cars upon their arrival at the Hash. In yet another libellous nomination, Tallyho described at great length how a certain hasher had been ravaged by his gay dog, and there being no poofters allowed on the hash, when in fact this happened on the weekend and said dog was using Poumuli as a rock to stand on. The details were not going to help so your Scribe took his award.

Gayboy had been in town and had observed how a certain hasher had made his granddaughter walk on the hot road with no shoes. Eveready claimed this was some sort of parental guidance required for the girl losing her shoes, but the GM felt this to be too cruel. Yet more from Gayboy as he had been out with the GM on the weekend and pissed as a newt, the GM had been able to get out of a police breathalyser test by using his VERTS jacket. Apparently that evening had also included the GM being too scared to go to the RSA, so Transporter added to his misery.

Hot Flush recalled that at a recent hash when Godfather was absent another hasher had picked up the ukulele, but had played no real notes, hence a Milli Vanilli Award went to Crime. Returning to our departing hasher, Tallyho informed that Weathercock had agreed to take over the care of Captain Mortein’s dog, but after just a few days the canine had already run away, no doubt because of poor cooking abilities of the new host.

Gayboy had been out on a boat with the GM and a rather hot chick, with the upshot being that the GM had cockblocked Gayboy. The absurdity of the tale, and the lack of CB being present resulted in the GM taking this one himself. Pirate Princess turned up late at this point and was immediately caught leaning.

We are all looking forward to the Perimeter Relay, yet some of the runners are even more so, and had been enquiring diligently from Godfather whether the masseuses would be provided again. Weathercock had overheard Swinger describe how he wanted his inner thighs massaged, so a Prurient Interest Award was given.

The Hare and the Hosts were saluted, before Tallyho led us in a vigorous rendition of the Hash Anthem in honour of Captain Mortein.

Check the blog for details of the run, and Tallyho will be scribing next week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Sunday, August 19, 2012

HASH RUN 20th August

Talofa Hashers

just in case you are checking this blog, Ring Ring has offered to host tomorrow's run at her place at Vaitele...i do not have details of the map yet but hopefully we will have them by tomorrow, Monday and GM can post it then..

Map is Posted below for tonight's run. Run will start at 1730Hrs and please remember to bring your hash cash. We will have our Keg, Softies and sweet nuts tonight.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Hash Trash 1635

What a wonderful day for a trip to the beach. Godfather and Titty Galore had arranged for us to use the new fales at the far right end of Tafatafa (I meant to write it down but forgot), and we were greeted by warm sunshine and blue waters as we entered the beach. Lovely warm day and perfect for the beach, but not for a 2 PM run in the sunshine. It was ok while we were shaded by the trees coming off the beach, but when we hit the main road the baking or roasting started. A false trail led off to the right, while the slower Hashers got to turn left. On we went for a couple of kilometres of energy sapping and sweat drenching. Some confusion reigned as dehydration made Hashers see things, but eventually we headed left down to the beach, albeit through a clever path marked by Crime – literally, he was hanging in the tree above. Down to the waters edge and all we had to do was follow the beach back on home. Godfather’s sweet nuts never tasted better. If only the sun had been lower the run would have been perfect, but nevermind, all good.

SOTB was present, although not as lucid having been sampling the keg with the Vailima crew. He called those new to Apia Hash to step forward, and these were Jackie (Raggamuffin organizer) brought by Dumass, Anya (enjoying the sun) and Lynn (apple picker) brought by Godfather. Cockblocker tricked him into using Godfather’s real name, but the GM ruled that CB needed to join the newbies for his slimy trickyness on that one. Rethreads were Silia, Dev, Dave, Sexpot, Desperate Housewife who all had some sort of excuse.

Celebrity Awards went to Sassygirl BJ for being on TV (SOTB), FBI and Lezzie in the paper (Crash Bandicoot), Sexpot for Westpac ad, and Pussysnatcher for famous mother-in-law (Hot Nuts). This Day in History went to Transporter (1977 mass murderer Son of Sam arrested), Crime (1934 first criminals arrive on Alcatraz), Tallyho (1964 last people hanged in Britain, much to Tallyho’s disappointment) and Wahoo (International Lefthanders Day – Poumuli had to take that one).

As mentioned the GM had ensured that he was not in touch with reality, and commenced an utterly libellous tale of how one Hasher had brought his beast of a dog to the run, and said dog had his balls licked by another male dog. The no poofters on the hash rule was applied mutatis mutandis, so Poumuli had to take the My Little Pony Award.

It had also been noticed that the Hash had started somewhat late due to the slack arrival of some Hashers, hence Late for Own Funeral Award to Swinger, Hot Nuts and Nutcracker. Then a couple of Hashers had actually gotten lost on the trail, so a, well, Lost Award to Today and Tomorrow.
Opening up for nominations, Desperate Housewife had observed Tasi kicking sand in the face of one of the Lewinsky sisters, and in a fashion faux pas was wearing her shirt inside out. While most would approve of kicking sand and sundry other hard objects at Lewinsky’s face, we draw the line at the adorable ones. While taking this Missing the Goal Award Tasi was wearing sunnies, so Dumass had to step in for the repeat.

Silia and others had been waiting outside Ynot trying to get a cab, and CB had driven past, with no passengers, and had not even slowed down to offer them a ride. Not that it is anywhere near healthy to accept a “ride” from CB, but nevertheless there was some discussion if this was hashman-like behaviour or living up to hashname, or simply being a douchebag. A vote was taken, and CB reluctantly received his down-down.

While your Scribe can be a glutton for punishment, he is not dumb enough to bring the headline “Tala overvalued” to the Hash. Bruce on the other hand had no such compunction and gleefully pointed this out. Ah, the treachery, as he knew Poumuli would have to take this one. Transporter wanted an early nomination for Father of the Year Award, as he and others had to search for Crash and Lewinsky. This was doubled as Lewinsky had arrived at the beach with a baby carrier in one hand and a large Vailima in the other. 

Hot Flush felt that the Scribe had not been observant enough in relation to the Alcatraz award, noting that said prison was in San Francisco. Since Skidmark was wearing a shirt from there and Wahoo grew up there, this Sitting on the Dock of the Bay Award was handed to Skidmark and Poumuli. Getting back to the run report Silia had been looking for some Hashers apparently missing, only to find Transporter and Too’ai emerging from the undergrowth with sore knees. The Lost in the Bush Award was repeated by Transporter for the ongoing difficulty of removing sunnies from head!

Poumuli had a quite hilarious clipping, which is being saved for later, but before that had asked the GM if he knew of any closest living relatives – and he had pointed to Transporter as a candidate. Upon doing some due diligence, it was discovered that this was entirely untrue, so the GM got a Racial Profiling Award.

Tallyho, with his usual loud aplomb described the glorious Hashday on the beach, delighted to see so many wearing Hash Gear, with the glaring exception of one, who “looked like a bloody tourist”! Ladyfinger did admit he was attired not for running but for impressing the impressionable. Dumass then nominated Sexpot for the Greatest Father’s Day Shirt for wearing one hand painted by his son, joined by Gianluca for unknown reasons. Speaking of observances, Hot Nuts demanded that Poumuli get a Dereliction of Duty Award for not mentioning that Hot Nuts had forgotten his wedding anniversary – I was getting to that, dammit!

Now the Olympics are over, Sexpot wished the Poms well for a good job in hosting and also for their medal count. Knowing where this was heading Tallyho interjected that the Ozzies had performed miserably. A bit confused how this ended, but Transporter, Weathercock, Skidmark and Godfather all shared this Olympic Gold Award. Lewinsky had stepped in as whipping boy, but stepped in it for wearing sunnies.

At the request of the Pacific Harbour Hash, Poumuli nominated Weathercock for a Dereliction Award for not coming to their National Hash, even though he was 10 minutes away. Final set of nominations involved Dumass and Sexpot, something about there being No Flame On, and some lazy Dumass only steering no paddling.

The Hares and the Hosts, Godfather, Crime and Titty G were saluted before a veritable feast – there was two roast pigs, umu, bbq, salads. All went down tremendously well.

Lewinsky announced that on 25 August ProBoner will have her 30th Birthday at Samoa Hideaway. We were not sure if he was inviting the Hash, or telling us to stay the f%$@ away.

Watch the blog for next week’s run location.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Hash Run 1635

Greetings to all Hashers.

This is Father's Day Weekend so we'll have a free day at the beach. Godfather and Titty Galore will be hosting us at Tafatafa Beach (does that make it GodFather's Day?). It will be a catered event so just bring your Hash Cash (WST 15) and a change of clothes or swimwear. Run will start at 2 PM, but come on down anytime you want.

To get there, take the Cross Island Road out of Apia, up and over the hill until you reach the four corners crossroad on the other side. Turn left and continue for about 8km. Go past Poutasi village, the road to Vaovai until you get to Tafatafa. Take the first access road to the beach. If you get to the one that says Brenda's Beach Fales by the Mormon Church you have gone too far. There should be paper shreds to indicate the exact place.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1634

Talofa Hashers, and yes it was run number 1634 this week, and not as our innumerate GM SOTB would have you believe. The Hash was hosted at the very last minute by Tallyho at his Palace on Poles in Siusega. He also doubled up as the Hare, and we were greeted by his sweat stained visage as he returned from setting the trail – apparently he had set out at 5 PM so he must have set quite a pace, as we were about to find out! Anyway, it was quite a warm day, and the sun was still frolicking, so out we went – left at the gate, and through the driveways of his neighbours. Leading off were Hot Nuts and Poumuli, soon catching them were Cockblocker, Renee, Ozzie and Skidmark. We then did a circuitous route through the Faleata sports fields, keeping on the roads on the exceedingly well marked trail. A few falsies in this area, but the trail was quickly reacquired given the nimbleness of several FRBs. We then turned towards the lower Siusega area, and running straight into the setting sun created some near crashes with non-Hashing meres who would not vacate the pavement, Skidmark almost skid into the drain while Poumuli dodged a bullet in the form of a dopey taxi driver not paying attention. Tallyho waited at the lower corner of the sports fields and directed us deeper into the Siusega back roads. These roads are named, but your Scribe had had his eyeballs seared by the glare so was unable to read or remember them. Anyway, three blocks up and we turned left back towards Tallyho’s place, with only a slight 200m off road track to finish us up back at the house. Here the Godfathers sweet nuts awaited glistening, expertly chilled. A good longish run, very well marked, so no one could possibly get lost, although some princely morons did, but perhaps we should have run it in the opposite direction to avoid being blinded!

SOTB was absent, so Hot Nuts was dumb enough to take up GM duties. He called those new to Apia Hash to step forward, and these were Johnny Bermuda (with MNRE for 3 weeks) and Purdey (Oz climate change person based at SPREP. By popular vote they were given their first down-down. The Rethreads were Hot Nuts (away on leave), Andy (travel), Xavier, Owen, Renee and Nutcracker (cracking down on HN). CB was asked to do the shoe inspection and failed miserably, however the jandal wearers stepped forward to take it for him, prompting loud cries of pussy from Tallyho that CB didn’t also get one. Anyway, Frances, Buzzer, Bruce and Xavier took the shoe award for CB.
Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (Dad in the paper, Eveready chosen as closest living relative) and Godfather (was on TV 4 nights in a row). Godfather accepted that he should get 4 for that, but requested that it be shared by Snake, Swinger and Titty Galore (a loud noooo was heard from the kitchen). Tallyho piped up that we always have something for Westpac and they are never here, but this time we had Skidmark, who was joined by Crime. CB then nominated the GM for not knowing the rules, to which Tallyho added that CB should bloody well have one also for knowing the rules, for a change.

This Day in History Awards went to BB (1971 1st Pacific Islands Forum meeting held, Swinger took it), Dumass (International Beer Day), Tallyho (St. Sithney’s Day, patron saint of mad dogs) and Poumuli (St Olaf’s Day, patron saint of Norway).

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Tallyho for being deceitful in the blog as he had claimed that no history had been received, when in fact this had been sent in by Poumuli. Lying Through His Teeth Award to Tallyho.

Tallyho had been seeing off the pack, when a hasher who turned up late asked for directions, and set off in a totally different one. So a The Moron Formerly Known as Prince Award went to Prince. Godfather, who had been missing in action last week, but who had asked Frances to play the uke for him, had learned that there were several rude hashers who had complained about the playing. Thus Lewinsky and Pussysnatcher were due a Ukulele Disparagement Award, which went to closest living relatives Dumass and CB (who lived up to his intended hash moniker suggested by Slim Shady of Whiny Bitch).

Poumuli had been over at the Nash Hash in Pacific Harbour, and had met Tallyho’s mate Premium, who had pointed out Tallyho’s local property. Now while admittedly the property had been viewed from afar, and the facts didn’t quite match. But Tallyho’s riposte that his property had 39 erections on it and not a single brick brought the house down in favour of a single to Tallyho – Budding Stripclub Owner Award.

Frances had been reunited with her Hasher and they had arranged a romantic evening of dinner and games, only to be rudely gatecrashed by Pat and Johnny Bermuda, so they got a That’s Unspeakable Award after Tallyho made enquiries about the games part. Swinger had been helping a fellow hasher move house, only to arrive at the house to find that nothing had been packed, nothing organized, and then said hasher ran out of fuel on the way to the new house and had to be rescued. For this debacle, the Grossly Exaggerated Award went to Poumuli, only to be doubled by Wahoo for departing to Fiji the next day and leaving her to be pampered by sundry relatives and friends.

Like many Hashers, Tallyho suffers from Tuesdayitis, a strange affliction requiring more running after the Monday Hash to recover senses and so forth. So he set forth on a sally around the Beach road sea wall with Captain Mortein. Taking a small break for a chat, they observed CB come gallivanting along, only for him to fire a derogatory broadside of pusillanimous insults at them for not running. Well it all became so confusing that both of them had to take the We Are Not A Sporting Club Award, although Tallyho deftly used his Hash Coconut as a dribbling cup.

The Olympics came up and the lack of Australian medals was a subject for much hilarity. Compounding this was the faux pas in The Australian Newspaper describing North and South Korea as Naughty and Nice Korea respectively, so all the rednecks Bruce, Ozzie, Skidmark, Purdy and Owen took the Advance Australia Award. Poumuli suddenly had a brain wave that the Scots had won a first gold medal for GB in tennis, by a guy named Andy, so Andy the Scot got the Handy Award. Further on sports, CB had been watching the pounding that the Sharks had received at the hands of the Chiefs, so Frances was picked for the Poundee Award and Prince for the Doing the Pounding Award.

Hot Nuts thanked Tallyho for stepping in as Host and Hare, stepping into (or onto) the breach as it were, and the Hash saluted them both as they drank their fill from what can best be described as a specimen jar. Nutcracker also got the cooks – Snake, Karaoke, Titty G and Horny Ho – were given a down-down.

Next week is Father’s Day and the run will be at Tafatafa Beach. Details later.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, August 06, 2012

Hash Run 1634 - BYO @ Tally Ho's

Good Morning All,

Apologies for the late post. We've been trying to find a host. Tally Ho has kindly offered his Castle as a venue for tonight's run.

Tonight's run will be a BYO for the BBQ run so please bring something to throw onto the grill to contribute to tonight's spread.

There will be a keg there as well as softies and sweet nuts so please bring your hash cash with you.

Run starts 1730Hrs so see you all there.

On On

Hash Trash 1633


Where the Hash leads the real world follows:  this evening’s entertainment was every inch the lead-into the real Olympics in pommyland; we had confusion about the venue (the keg nearly got taken by the military next door), we had traffic jams and security checks to get into event, we had countries with funny-sounding names that only get heard of every four years or when they have a coup, we had cheating, we had dodgy umpires, we had even dodgier scoring, we had disqualification and reinstatement of winning teams, we had some hashmen and hashmeres trying not to win (well not to be involved at all come to that) and we had others who pushed themselves to the limit in search of that elusive medal, we had gloating winners, and losers in tears complaining to the organisers; the only thing that was different was that the marathon came at the beginning of the games and not at the end. With Pussy Snatcher as the hare no-one expected the marathon to be a flat road run, and how right we were. Down the road to RLS and through the botanic garden with Swinger and CB racing to the front. But the trail was lost; while the FRBs rooted around in the garden looking for paper another part of the pack crazily followed Tallyho up the track towards the tomb; then somewhere in the distance a cry of on-on was heard from  an unknown hashman and the trail was found through a hedge and down into the stream bed. At this point it was very hashman and mere for themselves as we slipped, tripped, staggered and generally risked life and limb clambering over, under and round the usual stuff of large rocks, fallen trees and muddy pools. At some point the trail had taken a right fork in the stream and instead of ending up below the forestry nursery we eventually came out of the stream on the other side of the cattle paddock. In the murky darkness it was hard to follow the paper and the pack was widely scattered through the jungle. As the second Hasheton cleared the bush Charlie was there to hold the barbed wire, Tallyho took over and finally when GayBoy arrived he held the wire while we waited for Transporter and his driver to adjust themselves as they came out of the bush from a completely different direction. Across the paddock and up past the forestry yard, although some later claimed the trail had actually gone further up the valley to the path below Orgy Georgy’s place, and on home past packs of baying hounds. As the pack staggered in they were met by the hosts, Slim Shady and Frances trying to organise the pack into country teams for the “games”; Transylvania, Buttavia, Republic of Vailima and France(??). Chaos ensued as the pack tried to decide who would be in which team and who would take the hoola hoop as the first leg of the relay; this was followed by eating a chocolate bar with no hands, somehow the hashmen, notably Snake, seemed to manage this better than the meres, maybe snake and perhaps a few other hashmen get to put their noses down and eat with no hands often; then the egg and spoon race, CB managed to drop his egg on the tennis court and from here it was to the archery where Emily had volunteered to have a target pasted to her boobs and to have a bunch of lecherous hashmen hurl arrows at  her; Eveready was clearly overcome and couldn’t get his arrow up; your Scribe thinks Emily has been scarred for life by this experience; then another no hands bobbing apple bowl saw Lady Finger nose down in the trough, later to be seen munching nonchalantly on his apple; then to the swimming where the AYADs appeared to have come prepared stripping off into their bathers and diving into the pool, well at least the Australians did well in this pool even if not in the Olympic pool. And finally the last leg of the relay saw GayBoy leap over the pool fence and try to grab the beer but Transporter had already grabbed his team’s beer before heading to the finish line. It was anyone’s guess who had won, everyone had cheated and Tomorrow was left standing vainly holding an apple and the egg and spoon asking who was in his team. And on to the circle.
There was a veritable swarm of Virgins and new footprints: Murray, Gloria from Italy, Lucy,  Mark, Tina, Megan, Siv, Ray, Alana, Fana and Ryan. For many of the new AYADs this was obviously part of their induction programme; did I overhear Frances saying to them afterwards to make sure that if they saw any of the hashmen in a bar they should be avoided at all costs.
There were also almost as many retreads, none of whom had a decent excuse to offer so they all got DDs for lack of initiative: Emily and Charlie, Hot Flush and Horny Ho, Slippery, Slim Shady, Ali Bin Shaggin, Buzzer and Popeye making a special reappearance after about 15 years.
Snake was then brought out of retirement to be the shoe inspector, after much futile searching he finally picked on Lucy for having the newest-looking shoes; when told that she must now drink from the said shoes her face took on a look of absolute horror…. the kids of today all brought up in sterile houses where no self-respecting germ can be found..… ahhh .. when your scribe was a boy we used to drink from jam-jars full of tadpoles when we was thirsty, and that gave us cast-iron constitutions so that we can now eat hash-snags without getting the runs… .
With no Poumuli and the GM forgetting the history stuff it was straight to celebrities, which funnily enough was the GM (double), as well as Lucy and Megan from the AYADs; Siv was also caught for this with a later dob cos she was hiding the first time round. Lewinsky also appeared in the fishing news, presumably for being a fisherman with no fish.
Now we came to the dobs, the part we all love to watch as long as we are not the target; first up were Transporter and his driver for not following the trail and appearing out of the bush together looking hot and flustered.  Next to feel the GM’s finger (figuratively speaking) was GayBoy who was seen getting a handful of coconut to throw at some dogs in the road when a small stone would have done the trick, GayBoy clearly likes having a good handful of nuts.
The circle was next regaled with the tale of a very “tired and emotional” CB who was so inebriated that he was unable to find his way home from Y-Not and apparently woke up next to Dumbass’ mother-in-law the next morning.  Snake then caught one for being the Closest Living Person to EPC for the 25% hike in power prices coming into effect on 1 August.
Slim Shady was next to try her luck by dobbing Eveready for aiming low at the target damsel on the archery range, it seems he has a limp wrist and was unable to toss the arrow towards the target and instead the arrow was a “low-blow”. Tallyho then got into this argument and tried to defend Eveready on the basis that he was a lucky hashman, but Karaoke was on the war-path and somehow both Eveready and Tallyho were in the circle. Lewinsky was next for trying to deliver the keg to the Australian Army next door, fortunately the security on the gate thought it was a bomb and told him to bugger-off so he brought the keg next door. Snatch then caught Lewinsky while he was in a weakened state relating a story that Lewinsky had told all the kids to “call me uncle” when all the young meres were around at the beach. No doubt both he and Eveready spent the night on the doorstep. Frances was called next for coercing all the young AYADs into coming to hash, but forewarned is forearmed if not foreskinned.
The GM next ordered a congratulatory for VaiVai and Moa for the Team Shark-Bait in the Swim-Samoa series. Unfortunately the sharks have good taste and didn’t want to eat VaiVai, pity really.
Gayboy was next to try his luck, he wanted to dob Prince because Prince had asked him if he was a real “Gay Boy” when GB was sitting next to his mum.. it seems that GB has not explained to his mum how he came to get his name. It’s quite likely that she still wouldn’t understand even if he did try to tell her.
ZsaZsa was next in the circle for coming late (as usual); and then Lewinsky dobbed the GM and GayBoy for being cheapskates at GB’s infamous half-star restaurant. In the absence of the Godfather hash-music tonight had been provided by that duet extraordinaire Slim Shady & Frances who received a congratulatory DD to the acclamation of the circle; but ZsaZsa got caught for failing to sing. The Alternative Olympic winners Crime, Snake, CB, Lucy, Snatch and Transporter’s Driver also got a congratulatory much to the annoyance of everyone else cos they had cheated the best.
Finally we had the hares and hosts; Frances, Slim Shady and PussySnatcher, great run, great fun, and a great hash evening as always.

On on and toodle pip