What a wonderful day for a trip to the beach. Godfather and Titty Galore had arranged for us to use the new fales at the far right end of Tafatafa (I meant to write it down but forgot), and we were greeted by warm sunshine and blue waters as we entered the beach. Lovely warm day and perfect for the beach, but not for a 2 PM run in the sunshine. It was ok while we were shaded by the trees coming off the beach, but when we hit the main road the baking or roasting started. A false trail led off to the right, while the slower Hashers got to turn left. On we went for a couple of kilometres of energy sapping and sweat drenching. Some confusion reigned as dehydration made Hashers see things, but eventually we headed left down to the beach, albeit through a clever path marked by Crime – literally, he was hanging in the tree above. Down to the waters edge and all we had to do was follow the beach back on home. Godfather’s sweet nuts never tasted better. If only the sun had been lower the run would have been perfect, but nevermind, all good.
SOTB was present, although not as lucid having been sampling the keg with the Vailima crew. He called those new to Apia Hash to step forward, and these were Jackie (Raggamuffin organizer) brought by Dumass, Anya (enjoying the sun) and Lynn (apple picker) brought by Godfather. Cockblocker tricked him into using Godfather’s real name, but the GM ruled that CB needed to join the newbies for his slimy trickyness on that one. Rethreads were Silia, Dev, Dave, Sexpot, Desperate Housewife who all had some sort of excuse.
Celebrity Awards went to Sassygirl BJ for being on TV (SOTB), FBI and Lezzie in the paper (Crash Bandicoot), Sexpot for Westpac ad, and Pussysnatcher for famous mother-in-law (Hot Nuts). This Day in History went to Transporter (1977 mass murderer Son of Sam arrested), Crime (1934 first criminals arrive on Alcatraz), Tallyho (1964 last people hanged in Britain, much to Tallyho’s disappointment) and Wahoo (International Lefthanders Day – Poumuli had to take that one).
As mentioned the GM had ensured that he was not in touch with reality, and commenced an utterly libellous tale of how one Hasher had brought his beast of a dog to the run, and said dog had his balls licked by another male dog. The no poofters on the hash rule was applied mutatis mutandis, so Poumuli had to take the My Little Pony Award.
It had also been noticed that the Hash had started somewhat late due to the slack arrival of some Hashers, hence Late for Own Funeral Award to Swinger, Hot Nuts and Nutcracker. Then a couple of Hashers had actually gotten lost on the trail, so a, well, Lost Award to Today and Tomorrow.
Opening up for nominations, Desperate Housewife had observed Tasi kicking sand in the face of one of the Lewinsky sisters, and in a fashion faux pas was wearing her shirt inside out. While most would approve of kicking sand and sundry other hard objects at Lewinsky’s face, we draw the line at the adorable ones. While taking this Missing the Goal Award Tasi was wearing sunnies, so Dumass had to step in for the repeat.
Silia and others had been waiting outside Ynot trying to get a cab, and CB had driven past, with no passengers, and had not even slowed down to offer them a ride. Not that it is anywhere near healthy to accept a “ride” from CB, but nevertheless there was some discussion if this was hashman-like behaviour or living up to hashname, or simply being a douchebag. A vote was taken, and CB reluctantly received his down-down.
While your Scribe can be a glutton for punishment, he is not dumb enough to bring the headline “Tala overvalued” to the Hash. Bruce on the other hand had no such compunction and gleefully pointed this out. Ah, the treachery, as he knew Poumuli would have to take this one. Transporter wanted an early nomination for Father of the Year Award, as he and others had to search for Crash and Lewinsky. This was doubled as Lewinsky had arrived at the beach with a baby carrier in one hand and a large Vailima in the other.
Hot Flush felt that the Scribe had not been observant enough in relation to the Alcatraz award, noting that said prison was in San Francisco. Since Skidmark was wearing a shirt from there and Wahoo grew up there, this Sitting on the Dock of the Bay Award was handed to Skidmark and Poumuli. Getting back to the run report Silia had been looking for some Hashers apparently missing, only to find Transporter and Too’ai emerging from the undergrowth with sore knees. The Lost in the Bush Award was repeated by Transporter for the ongoing difficulty of removing sunnies from head!
Poumuli had a quite hilarious clipping, which is being saved for later, but before that had asked the GM if he knew of any closest living relatives – and he had pointed to Transporter as a candidate. Upon doing some due diligence, it was discovered that this was entirely untrue, so the GM got a Racial Profiling Award.
Tallyho, with his usual loud aplomb described the glorious Hashday on the beach, delighted to see so many wearing Hash Gear, with the glaring exception of one, who “looked like a bloody tourist”! Ladyfinger did admit he was attired not for running but for impressing the impressionable. Dumass then nominated Sexpot for the Greatest Father’s Day Shirt for wearing one hand painted by his son, joined by Gianluca for unknown reasons. Speaking of observances, Hot Nuts demanded that Poumuli get a Dereliction of Duty Award for not mentioning that Hot Nuts had forgotten his wedding anniversary – I was getting to that, dammit!
Now the Olympics are over, Sexpot wished the Poms well for a good job in hosting and also for their medal count. Knowing where this was heading Tallyho interjected that the Ozzies had performed miserably. A bit confused how this ended, but Transporter, Weathercock, Skidmark and Godfather all shared this Olympic Gold Award. Lewinsky had stepped in as whipping boy, but stepped in it for wearing sunnies.
At the request of the Pacific Harbour Hash, Poumuli nominated Weathercock for a Dereliction Award for not coming to their National Hash, even though he was 10 minutes away. Final set of nominations involved Dumass and Sexpot, something about there being No Flame On, and some lazy Dumass only steering no paddling.
The Hares and the Hosts, Godfather, Crime and Titty G were saluted before a veritable feast – there was two roast pigs, umu, bbq, salads. All went down tremendously well.
Lewinsky announced that on 25 August ProBoner will have her 30th Birthday at Samoa Hideaway. We were not sure if he was inviting the Hash, or telling us to stay the f%$@ away.
Watch the blog for next week’s run location.
Poumuli, IKA Slit