Friday, February 27, 2015

Hash Run 1766

Monday’s Hash will be hosted by IRA at her house in Palisi. If heading towards the airport, turn left at Chickalicious. Turn left again towards the Prayer House, and her house is the first on the left after the Catholic Church.
IRA will be catering the event, so bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1765

Another glorious Pink Run was hosted by Eveready and Karaoke in Lotopa. A rather warm day for a run, but the Hash turned out in numbers, gloriously festooned in pink as well as pink-related regalia. Crime had set the run, and we suspected little as he was not noticeably dripping. Off we went down the Papasea road to the main airport road. Turning left with no one checking the trail took us to the next road turning left (Tulaele street I think) and we proceeded straight to the Talimatau road. There was a turnoff over the ford for the walkers but not all took it as it was rather slippery. The main trail then turned down left and on home. So the walkers did a square and the runners a rectangle. Godfather is overseas, so Lewinsky had procured (he claimed) somewhat larger than usual nuts.
Eveready took on the role as GM, and called the newbies into the circle. These were Vanya and Morten from Norway (guests of Witch Doctor), Steve and Gillian (new at Apia Fish Exporters), Pologo and Jill (from Hawaii, cousins of Eveready) who had been brought by someone called Dolf. Down down for the GM.

The retreads were also numerous – Screamer (busy packing), Twin Peaks (excruciating medicals), Mr Whippy (babysitting), Crash Bandicoot (looking after Cougar), Offspring (researching the Kama Sutra), Junior (math test) and Cougar (tried to blend into the furniture).
Celebrity Awards went to Vai Vai (letter to the editor) taken by that other, elderly antipodean Murray, Gayboy (headline about the Michelangelo of buttock injections) taken by Lewinsky, and Poumuli for missing the photo of IRA.

No shoe inspector was sent around, and Poumuli avoided an award as he had to drink twice from his shoes in Vanuatu where they strain the beer first through your sock! But Twin Peaks and Mr Whippy were both found guilty as charged.

This Day In History Awards went to the Norwegians (1472 – Orkney and Shetland are pawned by Norway to Scotland in lieu of a dowry for Margaret of Denmark), Cockblocker (1649 – The Second Battle of Guararapes takes place, effectively ending Dutch colonization efforts in Brazil), Slippery (1739 – Richard Palmer is identified at York Castle, by his former schoolteacher, as the outlaw Dick Turpin – a slippery dick indeed) and Offspring (India beat South Africa in cricket for the first time in history).

The GM had several awards ready but none of his victims were present so he opened it up for nominations. Sassygirl BJ started off with a tribute to the two hash meres who had come to her aid even on Valentine’s Day and installed her new trash can – Witch Doctor and Imelda da Welda. The GM noted there were many returnees to Hash, but that one in particular had come to all the Pink Runs and had always implored the GM to sell him his motorbike, and after he relented had never come back. For some reason Poumuli was deemed to be the closest living relative.

POD nominated IRA for the Indecent Exposure Award for stripping down and swimming at the Marina during a business function. Poumuli nominated Crime for the Alzheimers Award, for forgetting about the road side change and setting the run with traffic not against. POD pointed out that Crash was supposed to have helped but also forgot so he joined in.

Poumuli and the GM nominated Lewinsky. No reason. He was joined by Hobbes and Mrs Hobbes who had skipped the retreads. Murray had stressed over the need to wear pink and was upset that many had not made similar efforts  so Screamer and Titty Galore were given the award.

Poumuli nominated CB for not owning up to being a retread, while Sassy nominated Poumuli for usurping her role as maestro. The Hare and the Hosts were saluted – Eveready, Karaoke, Cougar and Crime. We also sang Happy Birthday for Cougar and Junior.

Next week’s run is will be at IRA’s in Palisi, then the week after at Sassy’s for the Return of the Son of The Bitch – watch the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, February 20, 2015

Hash Run 1765 - Pink Run

Kia ora Hashers
Monday's run will be hosted by Karaoke and Eveready in Lotopa, and will be a Pink Run. You must wear something pink or be severely punished.
The house is located in Lotopa behind Adria's cakes. Take airport road, turn left at light past Strickland Bros which is after the big Mormon temple, and continue a mile or so. You will have Adria's cakes on the left and turn left just after. House is at the end of the road. Found the below map in the archives.
Run starts at 6 PM, bring 20 tala Hash Cash, and wear pink!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Hash Trash 1764

Kia Ora from Aotearoa, where your Scribe is enjoying some kiwi govt hospitality while trying to save the planet.

The Hash was hosted at HQ 1, On the Rocks, on Beach Road. Many hashers were overseas or absent so it was a smallish group that did a canter around the streets of Apia. We went past the cop shop, to the 4 corners at Malifa and took the broken bridge road. It was then on to the UN building and down past Vaiala beach and on home along the sea wall. The day was rather hot still so it was a bit of an ordeal even with such a short run. 

POD the GM started the circle, and there were two newbies, Sophie and Angela who were there with someone called Mat, so Potu did a down down for not telling his guests the rules. The retreads consisted of Potu, who worked at SPREP some years ago and had been busy in Oz. He was back working with someone normally called Swinger at Hash, thus his re-introduction to the Hash became a double. 

Poumuli had found no celebrities this week and was forced to accept the Hashers were keeping out of the News Award. This Day in History Awards went to Lewinsky (1999 – United States President Bill Clinton is acquitted by the United States Senate in his impeachment trial) and POD (Valentine’s Day – Poumuli enthused that surely she must have had the most romantic of celebrations!).
Slippery let it be known that he was leaving in June. Since this was a Premature Announcement it was made double. Lewinsky nominated Poumuli for short cutting, and the defence of a medical condition (bad knee/utmost stupidity – take your pick) was unrecognized.

Sam tried to nominate someone for the delayed announcement on the blog, but since this could easily be directed at POD she quickly pointed out that this was because we could not find anyone to host and was thus a rich charge coming from someone who has not hosted. Sam was joined by Murray.
Latecummer Awards went to Witch Doctor and Imelda da Welda, who had been working on Sassygirl BJs and Poumuli’s trash cans. Sam was asked if he was tired, no, Leaning Award, again joined by Murray.

The Hare and the Host, POD and Lewinsky were saluted before we sort of enjoyed the sweet and sour cat from Sunrise. By request see below:

Next week’s run is likely to be a Pink Run from Eveready and Karaoke’s house in Lotopa – watch the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, February 16, 2015

Hash Run 1764

Talofa Hashers
Apologies for the late post - today's Hash Run will be held from HQ1, On The Rocks Bar on Beach Road.
Run starts at 6 PM. The Hash Cash will be reduced to 10 tala today as there will be no food, but we can chip in to buy something after.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Hash Trash 1763

Made from 100% recycled electrons

Hello boys and girls and welcome to story time. Today we are going to hear a fabulous funny tale about a little panda called Lewinsky and his adventures with the Hash. Does anyone know what a panda looks like? Yes Ari, they are cuddly. No Antony they are not fat little pricks. Ok we’ll get back to that one. Anyway, Lewinsky was so excited because all his friends from the Hash were coming. Yes Antony he has friends, and stop molesting Chi. Yes I know he probably likes it, but this is a children’s show. So Lewinsky was very excited about, crap I said that already. His close friend Crime was coming around to help him. Crime is a hare – has anyone seen a hare? Yes Nyn, they have long fluffy ears. No Antony they are not bouncy little bastards. Crime was going to set a trail for the Hashers to follow, by putting out white paper in a line for them to follow. No Antony why would the Hashers sniff the trail just because it’s a white line? Stop interrupting. So Crime went out of the gate, and down past Apia Park. No Antony Chi does not hang out in the toilets there, not anymore. He went past the UN building and around the back to Apia Park. Antony one more word from you and you’ll get it. Crime laid his trail into the little village of Vini and followed the track until he got to the Vaivase Road. Here he had planned to go all the way to the Fagalii golf course, but instead went straight down over the causeway in the Moataa wetlands. No Antony they are not wet because he pissed himself there. Then it was on home to the Lewinsky house, where all the Hashers would enjoy the succulent nuts brought by Godfather. What was that Antony? Allright, that’s it, I’ll get you you little bastard, they don’t pay me enough to put up with your shite. Beep beep beep beep…

POD the GM called the circle to order, when Poumuli made a Point of Order and handed the GM a rather devilish insignia of office that he had found in a Halloween store in Peru. This act earned him an instant down down. The GM continued finding no newbies, but retreads in ProBoner and Prince. Murray was appointed Shoe Inspector, but was so slovenly that he missed Godfather’s spanking new Nikes. While Godfather guzzled from the shoe, Murray took a large one.

Celebrity Awards went to Prince (story about some nightime stabbin’ in Siusega), Murray (NZ doesn’t rank Samoa higher than 8 out 10 for tourism) and Godfather (robbery at an Annandale brothel).
This Day In History Awards went to Prince (1840 – Signing of the Treaty of Waitangi, establishing New Zealand as a British colony) and Slippery (Feast Day of St Richard the Pilgrim).

Last week there had been some drama with a Hash couple, Gayboy and Tia, the latter becoming tired and emotional (that is, blisteringly drunk) and broke a wine glass. There was some back and forth whether this led to an attack of the Sudden Horniness Syndrome, but in the end, Tia took this award. Following on from this, Gayboy had nearly crashed Godfather’s car, and it had somehow ended in the ravine. He also nearly ran over Godfather, hence a Don’t Mess With Titty G’s Stash Award. Poumuli nominated Sassygirl BJ for the Humanly Inaccessible Residence Award.

Godfather did acknowledge that there were scratches, but that the honesty of the culprit would prevent him from handing a huge bill to the Hash. He did mention overhearing Tia at the time say, who let the Chinaman drive, so Tia was back in the middle.

Before the Hash one of the Hash Meres had shown off her malu, and fearful of a re-enactment the GM called forth Rachael for a Culturally Inappropriate Award, whereupon said feared re-enactment was enacted.

We then welcomed Lucas, and ProBoner did the down down on his behalf. Well he is only an infant. Fearing a further re-enactment, the GM called on Iapi for scaring the meres with his budgie smuggler, and sure enough, re-enactment followed. Iapi got his revenge in through an Incompetence Award to Poumuli for not checking the Sunday Observer for celebrities. Poumuli repeated the gesture with a Spiritual Concern Award, as Iapi had expressed worries that the hash trash was becoming too blasphemous.

Sassy gave a Beautiful Conniving Bitch Award to IRA for tricking her hubby to go to Las Vegas, with the ulterior motive of a similar trip for herself. Gayboy nominated Crime for grunting encouragement to Tia on the drive home after the last Hash. Not sure but a bit of a voyeur is or Crime, who claimed he was merely cheering on Gayboy.

Poumuli nominated Lewinsky. What for asked the GM? Dunno, but it was a good charge, as Godfather picked up on this and stated that he couldn’t keep up. Lewinsky countered that he had seen something inspirational on the run, meaning by the bathing pools, thus a Self Nomination Award.

We were all aware that the BBQ had arrived from Crash without gas, but not that Sassy had offered to cook the sausages by sitting on them, well one at a time. Hot Dog Award.

Godfather then nominated Titty Galore for a Wannabe Award, as she had been holding Lucas with a happy face, not knowing that he is firing blanks!

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted, and then we enjoyed the bangers and mash.

Watch the blog for next week’s run. And here are some new songs Your Scribe is proposing for the Hash:

Melody – Do, Re, Mi (Sound of Music)
Dough the stuff that buys me beer,
Gay, the Boy who buys me beer, (Thanks Gayboy!),
Me, the guy, he buys beer,
Far, a long way for a beer
So, I think I’ll have a beer!
La, la la la la la la,
Tea, no thanks I’ll have a beer,
And that brings us back to Down, Down, Down, Down…

Melody – Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Down Down Down your beer,
To pay for your crime.
Quit complaining about the taste,
There’s no cum this time.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, February 09, 2015

Hash Run 1763

Morning Hashers
Tonight's run will be hosted by Happy Feet at the Lewinsky banlieue in Taumeasina. It will be a Bangers and Mash event catered by Happy Feet. Run starts at 6 PM, bring Hash Cash of 20 tala, and swim gear if you want a dip after the run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, February 05, 2015

Hash Trash 1762

Street Talk
Last week the Apia Hash House Harriers were hosted to a run in Letogo. This worldwide phenomenon has been in Samoa for a long time, but what impact has it had on the local population, and what do they know of the Hash. Your Scribe took to the streets of Apia to see what people knew and what their reactions to the run were.

Alifereti, taxi driver, Valea-uta
I am against it. Why are these people running? It is bad for business. I was confusing when I passed them and one shouted on on. What is that – do you want to get on or not? There is just one on, and that is on. Not on on. Get on, or leave me alone. Why run when you can go in my taxi for just 5 tala, depending on where you are going. It would have been extra to go up that hill and through the mud.

Peni, labourer, Manutagi
These are signs that show us that Jesus Christ is coming back. When people run up a hill and down a hill for no reason, surely these are signs as written in Holy Scripture. Those who have the holy spirit in them will surely know. Just last week our Pastor told us the story of the rich man and the beggar, and how it was easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel to. So we must all repent. Actually, I have not heard of this Hash.

Sina, maid, Lei
Thank you for the question. It is important to us as a country founded on God – Sa-Mo-A – to make sure that even as our world changes, rapidly and in so many ways, we can still, all of us, give thanks and praise and rejoice. In Samoa we don’t want our leaders to equip us with weapons of mass destruction such as this Hash that you said. We need the Government to step in and I support them in what they do, as they have been put in their place by the Lord. Something needs to be done.

Pule, bargirl, Beach Road
I don’t support it. We should not be changing the way we were founded. Its like these people are using their power to control and do whatever they please. This is against the sa, and these concerns must be listened to by our Member of Parliament so our voices are not strip away, and what are they running from. I support the Government, as we are progressing because of Government, which is more that I can say for this Hash. They ended up exactly where they started. I have a bad feeling about this Hash. I am sure that the next time there will be drinking involved, and all sorts of bad things happen. I know this is true, as I work in a terrible place where loud old men sit and drink beer until dark, and my boss beats me.

Basically, we ran out of the house, down the slippery slope, up a farm track, down a slipperier slope, on home.

There were no newbies, but the retreads were Iapi (freezing in his Netherlands), Screamer (too drunk) and Hot Nuts (in demand paddler/piddler). Celebrity Awards went to Sam for Ring Ring (in paper at Oz Day), Gayboy for Lezzie (some donation celebration in the paper) and Titty Galore for looking like the new Disney character Moana. A special had been on TV for World Wetlands Day, so for Being Wet Award went to Swinger and Screamer.

This Day In History Awards went to Wahoo (1966 – The Soviet Union launches the unmanned Luna 9 spacecraft as part of the Luna program), Godfather (2004 – Janet Jackson's breast is exposed during the half-time show of Super Bowl XXXVIII, resulting in US broadcasters adopting a stronger adherence to Federal Communications Commission censorship guidelines. This he opposed!), Sassygirl BJ (2004 – Facebook, a mainstream online social networking site, is founded by Mark Zuckerberg) and Swinger (World Wetlands Day).

There was no need for a shoe inspector as Iapi’s shoes were gleaming even after that mud bath on the way home. He gamely took his Award. The GM then turned to a diving trip that had occurred on the weekend, with Cockblocker, Swinger and Hot Nuts. Apparently Hot Nuts, always a stickler for efficiency and neatness, had forgotten everything. In addition, one hasher did a bathroom stop off the front of the boat, number 2s, and Swinger happened to snorkel through it! Alzheimer Award to Hot Nuts, Don’t Swallow Award to Swinger and WTF Award to CB.

Since Westpac is deserting us for BSP, Tia got the Bankers Award. Crash Bandicoot was called up as his beloved South Sydney Rabbitohs (WTF are those?) won the Auckland 9s. He narrowly avoided a double for his hat. While on sports, the Super Bowl had just been won by the New England Patriots, so token Yank Rachael was called on, as well as Gayboy who thought he could hide being a Seattle Seahawks aficionado.

Everyone had noticed how well dressed Cougar and IRA were and neither had done the run, thus the GM turned her attention to their reasoning, which Cougar summed up as Keeping Her Man Interested Award. And last week the GM had gotten a text that Hot Nuts was in the hospital. Which he was not. Misleading the GM Award to IRA.

Opening up for nominations, Screamer had been looking in abject wonder at the lack of parking abilities from one of the Hashers, and it turned out that Cougar hadn’t even been assisting Crash with directions. A Lady Driver Award to Crash, doubled as this time he did forget the hat.

Sam had of course twisted his ankle on the run last and thus gave a Florence Nightingale Award to Rachael. The story reminded the GM of Hot Nuts on the run, who had done a bit of an environmental study of the horrendous landfill by the beach. Tia had stopped to stretch, whereupon Hot Nuts had basically been blown away. Tia joined for provococating and Godfather said he was proud of Hot Nuts.

Rachael then, as self appointed medic, nominated the apparently sick Lewinsky for effortlessly carrying boxes up the steep drive to Sassy’s. POD unfortunately had to take this one. In responding to the check email on who was coming to Hash, Godfather had responded that he would be present with bells on. Immediately Titty Galore responded that this would be acceptable as long as he didn’t give them away! Another version of the Chinese Wallet Award.

BB was serenaded with the farewell song, and the hosts and hare were saluted. BB did her down down in neat whiskey. A fabulous meal awaited us. Many compliments to the chef!

Check the blog for next week’s run

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit