Monday, September 26, 2016

Hash Trash 1847

This weeks run was hosted by Captain 'No Beard but i'm going to wave around my scary double hook' Nom Nom, and his buxom wenches Rachel and Prue.  

Many pirates young and old rose to the occasion and got decked out in their finest attire. To ensure nobody had to walk the  plank too early, the hosts provided eye patches for everyone! 

The run was set by the Captain himself, who seemed to have forgotten his compass as he set the trail to the pirate booty on his map, as he left way too many options for the lazier pirates to cheat and get back early. 

Upon return from the run, 'HASH CASH' was called by the wenches POD and Slim Shady. Following presentations by many $50 tala notes (who got paid this week?) The words were quickly changed to 'hand over your booty! Gold bouillons and jewelry happily accepted!' .

The circle began with Admiral Black Swan, as GM and her first mate Pusiapa taking notes as Poumouli our usual scribe was noted to be off pillaging and plundering elsewhere. 

Newbie pirates included  Trish, Matt, Vicki's Mum Mamisita, and Selena (Pirate Lesters better half).
Only Captain Nom Nom scored a downdown as his first mate did not know his Hash name. 

Retreads for the week: Pirate CB, was apparently 'working'. Pirate Kiran had got lost at sea and found himself on the big island of Australia - thanks to some kind mermaids he made his way safely back home. Desperate Housewife  and her daughter 'Beer Wench' claim that living in Fiji had prevented them coming, however they missed everyone so came tonight.  Pirate Lester was on a secret rendezvous.....

Buxom wench Meg was appointed shoe inspector and failed dismally as she was not able to identify anyone to walk the plank, therefore having to do it herself.  

Pirates of the Caribbean stars this week (Celebrities) included
Buxom Wench Sunnyside up, Buxom Wench Witch Doctor for being on the radio, Slim Shady was on the news and Pirate Lewinksy was seen 'tossin' his rocks' in the paper. Pirate Strap On was nominated for an article in the Guardian newspaper about 'dreadlocked strap ons'. 

This day in history:
In 1356 Edward the Black Prince was captured by France, as Prince was too busy with buxom wenches elsewhere, Gayboy took the award for being the closest living relative. The 'full of hot air award' was given to Captain Nom Nom and CB in place of Snake. Wench Il Capo took the award for being the most beautiful wench in Italy, Wench Prue took the downdown to celebrate NZ allowing all wenches to vote. 

Run Nominations: 
Buxom wench Sassy nominated Richard for paying too close attention to Captain Nom Noms navigational skills and being unable to follow directions and 'read the signs'.  Captain Mortein and his first mate Kiran were caught leaning, and Gayboy was forced to walk the plank after bragging about how big and strong his sword was. 

Buxom Wench Slim Shady was nominated for the 'piece of shit award' after neglecting Screamer and forcing her to taxi all the way to the pirate ship dock (airport) by herself.  Buxom Wench DHW was nominated for excessive use, but deemed by the pirate crew as 'good Hase mere behaviour' and was quickly deflected to the Buxom Wench Sassy Girl for being a 'whinging bitch'. 

Buxom wench Rachel was nominated by Slim Shady for the two of them  'entering through the back door' at the fashion show, proving that the girls will do anything for a free show! 

Pirate Cunning Linguist was caught proving he knew how to 'Shiver a girls timbers' and he and Malu were  quickly given the get a room below deck award - come on! There were little pirates present!

Captain Nom Nom was nominated for his small hook, but maintained it was  'all the better to explore the island with'. 

Pirate Lewinsky was given a double - phone award and ungrateful pirate husband as he did not feel the costume that his wife POD was suitable and or good enough for the occasion. Buxom Wench POD was quickly asked to join her knave of a pirate husband for being a 'consummate wife after all'. 

Yet again, Buxom Wench Sassy was again nominated, this time for her obscene physical gestures in front of the little pirates. Don't forget, Sass, if you salute your Captain, it's four fingers, not one. She was quickly joined by Slim Shady for her maestro skills, and Strap On for his pepelo about ''conveniently losing his uke' in the lead up to the hash run. 

Buxom wench Vicki was caught leaning,  and Wench Prue was nominated for her Madonnaesque but excellentl piratey costume - which was followed quickly by a rendition of 'Like a Virign'. 

Buxom wench - Pusiapa was forced to walk the plank for being lazy and not standing up to take notes, even after she claimed she was vertically reading map challenged. 

The final nomination went to CB for living up to his name and cock blocking Gayboy with his own girlfriend.  CB had prevented Gayboy from being able to get some pirate booty on board his ship, because he needed a ride home from the airport. 

A final downdown for our hare and hosts - Captain Nom Nom, Rachel and Prue!


 Pusiapa :) 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Hash Run 1848

Hash this Monday is being hosted by Crash Bandicoot and Cougar at their house in Alafua. Theme as always is 'pink' . Run starts at 6 PM given the daylight savings time absurdity. The GM advised that only the senile amongst us would forget where it was.  

Directions: head out of town towards the airport. Turn left at Lepea to go towards Adrias cakes (AA rentals is on the corner). Go past RLS Primary School approx 250m and take the road on the left immediately after Mauga Folau fast food (it is the small road that joins across to the St Josephs road and comes out at Tommy Scanlans house at the other end). The house is on the right where the Quality Furnishing sign is.

Please bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala and enjoy a good run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Hash Trash 1846

The Hash was hosted by Speedhumper and Aaron at their place in Vaoala. It was a bit complicated to find parking, but we all managed in the end. Speedhumper had stepped in at the last minute to host, so it was a bit organised as normal. The trail had only been set in her head, so she explained the various options to walkers, slowpokes and her own class of runner! Thus the walkers set off towards a dirt trail into the valley, while the runners went down to Bank Street, then up to Lamosa Road, then followed the walkers. The first part was sort of paved, past a herd of cows munching and farting. A rougher track then took over, with the first surprise being a malevolent looking bull, wearing an unattached chain. Into the bush there was a well defined path, most likely trodden by the cows given the amount of bovine excreta around, fertilising well the invasive but nice smelling Hawaiian roses. After some 200 metres the track actually split, and most took the upward path, when we should have gone the other way. The upward path led through some more glades, until a full stop in front of thick bush that we suspected bordered Lamosa. So a potential trail there for the future if we can combat the nasty dogs on Lamosa. On back to the house where the this time varied sized nuts of Godfather were waiting.

Il Capo was volunteered as GM for the evening, and called on the newbies. That was Aaron, brother of Arthur who works at Nafanua. He is a mechanic and has been here a long time. Then there was Malu, guest of Cunning Linguist.

Retreads were Pusiapa (taupo for 46 boys in Oz), Speedhumper and Aaron (busy), Ring Ring (Hawaii), Titty Galore (busy) and Angry Bird (birding). Vikki was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed, even though Nom Nom’s jandals were too big.
Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (in the paper) and Poumuli (for false accusation on Lewinsky see below).

This Day in History Awards went to Speedhumper, Poumuli, Godfather and Eveready (as former marathon runners for 490 BC – Battle of Marathon: The conventionally accepted date for the Battle of Marathon. The Athenians and their Plataean allies, defeat the first Persian invasion force of Greece), Nom Nom (International Literacy Day), Godfather (World Suicide Prevention Day) and Eveready (International Chocolate Day).

Turning to the GM’s Awards, she called forth Lewinsky and StrapOn, and asked if Lewinsky had played with his ball, and then thrown it too hard and away. Conceding the point, the bastards got away with small glasses.

Pusiapa was then awarded for taking 46 Samoan boys to Australia and getting them all back safely, making lots of money for the school. Crime was then awarded for getting lost on the trail, while Nom Nom got the Water Bitch Award for doing the King of Mt Vaea and not running. Finally, the GM rewarded Witch Doctor and Arthur for the best fries ever!
POD nominated Snake for the Sympathy Award, as he always gets excited when Il Capo bends over or rubs herself, but when Rachel comes to Hash she always grabs Prue which sets him no end on edge.

Cunning Linguist wanted to give a Disrespecting the GM Award to the Hash Mere who called out “in English please!”, but because he called her Ling Ling, he got to take it himself. Poumuli then nominated Lewinsky for the Medical Miracle Award, in that when he stopped drinking beer for a month and re-started, he gave himself a yeast infection.

Speedhumper nominated Aaron and Angry Bird for dropping the sausages and then mixing them back in with the rest. Nom Nom gave Crime a Congratulatory Award for paddling to Savaii and then making it back to work at 5. Vikki tried to nominate the two german brothers for angering the bull, but got the names mixed up and took it herself.

Poumuli tried to nominate Lewinsky and was rescued by POD who said he had been on the news. But for Ms Samoa Poumuli had to join, as he is her supervisor at SPREP. POD nominated Il Capo for running Mt Vaea and beating her own record, and then not going into her usual dehydration shock afterwards. Snake commended POD for her most entertaining dobs this evening, but instead took a Sucking Up Award.

Eveready reminded of the anniversary of 11 September, a dark day in US history, and the demise of the Twin Towers. He called for Sunny Side Up to take this one, joined by Latecummer Alex, as well as Angry Bird for some reason.

Cunning Linguist had noted the common fashion theme of several Hash Meres, and ascribed it to identity crisis, as they were all wearing white and black stripes – Pusiapa, Black Swan and Titty Galore got the Dead Zebras Award.

Poumuli then did the Chicken Action Dance for another down down, joined by Pusiapa for leaning.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Nom Nom, Prue, Rachel at somewhere in Apia Park. Note that its International Talk like A Pirate Day. The Assistant Trainee Scribe will be Pusiapa.

The hosts and hare were saluted and then we scarfed sausages.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, September 12, 2016

Hash Run 1846

Talofa Hashers
Tonight's run will be hosted by Speedhumper and Aaron at their place in Vaoala. Take the Cross Island Road up to Vaoala, go past the Shrine of the 3 Hearts on left, and big Mormon Church on the right. Go another 400 meters, then take a small new street on the right. Entrance is just after a big pink house. Park anywhere, the house is the second one in. If you mistakenly turn in on Lamosa Road, then go 200 meters back down Cross Island Road.

While the hosts will put on some BBQ it would be great if we could all bring something to share or cook. Bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala for the keg, and prepare for what may be a serious bush run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, September 09, 2016

Hash Trash 1845 – the return of Tallyho!

The Hash was hosted by AC/DC at the Tokelau compound in Moamoa. A rainy and overcast day it was the perfect day for a run if you like running in a sauna, since the humidity at least locally was over 100%. We nevertheless bravely made our way out on the by now familiar route. Some Hashers decided that going all the way down to the Vaitele road was a bridge too far, and opted for a gentler return that took us past Don Bosco’s and up the familiar dirt trail. Over the surprisingly dry river, it was on home. Godfather was absent, but had sent his ever-shrinking nuts via Coconut Fedex and Poumuli. Thanks to StrapOn for the route of the  run below.

Tallyho, returned for a week, was unanimously elected GM for the night, or ad interim as they say in UN parlance. He congratulated AC/DC for becoming a fine upstanding member of the Tokelau administration, which was also attributed to less beer.

The GM called for the newbies to present themselves, and added a bunch of further request for detailed information from the new lady, Marie, a French medico. When asked what she specialised in, would it be old men, she replied – well what is wrong with you. Replying, well we’ll just have to find out she was given her first down down.

Retreads were Tallyho (been around, came back to check on us), AC/DC (planting), Jessica (with Tallyho?), Gayboy (working. Working what exactly?). Snake was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed – even to observe AC/DC jr.’s new shoes.

This Day in History Awards went to Snake (590 – Consecration of Pope Gregory I (Gregory the Great)), Silver Bullet (1698 – In an effort to Westernize his nobility, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on beards for all men except the clergy and peasantry – this was deemed a fine rule for the Hash), Captain Mortein (1807 – The Royal Navy bombards Copenhagen with fire bombs and phosphorus rockets to prevent Denmark from surrendering its fleet to Napoleon), Lewinsky (1981 – Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women enters into force – he called his wife a bitch after the run), Nom Nom (Flag Day in Australia), Pirate Princess (Random Acts of Kindness Day) and Il Capo (Beyonce’s birthday).

Celebrity Awards went to Prue (for Slim Shady NOT being in the paper), Wahoo (photo claiming to be largest wahoo caught in Fiji), Lewinsky and Witch Doctor (menu at Nafanua), with Poumuli getting an accidental advertising award.

POD opined that we should also mention the 60 year anniversary of St Mary’s and nominated Karaoke for the award, joined by Eveready whose absence from the festivities had caused, erm, greater festivity.

Poumuli nominated Snake for Encouraging Underage Illegality, as Snake had opined that Captain Mortein should have done something nice to Pirate Princess 15 years ago. The GM then nominated StrapOn and Cunning Linguist for their scrambling in the river bed when there was a perfectly useful crossing 10 metres up.

Snake had been disturbed by the arriving Gayboy and his very sticky handshake. The GM advised him that he needed to change hands occasionally to avoid callus formation. The GM was then given a Facebook Celebrity Award by POD.

Sassy thought she had been the first to complete the Colour Run, only to be beat by Il Capo and Screamer. Il Capo explained that she had come late because of Nom Nom and Prue arriving late and hugover, and as they had walked the run they had let her win.

Sassy then nominated Captain Morten for Father of the Week for the several beatings and smackdowns administered on Marco Polo. Heather had been quietly working in her office when a large bang had set off, and nearly resulted in the assassination of her colleague Kerry – the Black Swan strikes again.

Gayboy nominated Prue for not recognising him on a drunken Friday night, but POD and Poumuli also backed this up with further anecdotal evidence.
The Hare and Hosts were saluted, before we sang the Hash Anthem for the departing Silver Bullet and Tallyho.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Ray Charles at AC/DCs place.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, September 05, 2016

Hash Run 1845

Hash is being hosted by ACDC tonight at Moamoa Fou

See you there at 5:30


When heading out of town in the direction of the airport, turn left at the Chanel College Rd (the road opposite AST Taufusi) . Drive up that road a few km. Turn right after the last Ford going to Chanel College (there is a sign for Talanoa Fales on that intersection and a church on the left- if you reach Chanel College you've gone too far!). The house is the first gate to the left after the bridge.

Bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala and enjoy the run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1844

The Hash was hosted by Crash Bandicoot and Cougar at their new house, somewhere between Lotopa and Alafua. A nice day for a run, but your Scribe arrived late so went on his own. But apparently the run was pretty much a tour of the sports complex and fairly lengthy.

POD stepped in as our usual GM, and called the Newbies forward. These were Priya, Ad – medicos, Ephraim from NZ doing GIS with StrapOn. The retreads were Sassygirl BJ (being grandma), Slim Shady (attempting to create life), Heather (drinking in other places).
The GM then asked Rachel if she had explained the Hash Rules to Ephraim, so she got a leaning award shared with StrapOn. Black Swan was appointed Shoe Inspector, and found Ephraim and Crime!

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (twice in paper) and Lewinsky (Clinton dubious photo).
This Day in History Awards went to Black Swan and Heather (1835 – Melbourne is founded), Il Capo (1916 – World War I: Italy declares war on Germany), the Screamers (2006 – Edvard Munch's famous painting The Scream, stolen on August 22, 2004, is recovered in a raid by Norwegian police), Snake and Wahoo (Feast Day of St Gregory), Lewinsky (Feast Day of St Monica of Hippo) and Slim Shady (National Banana Lovers Day).

Starting the GM’s awards, at the start of the run Il Capo had asked Eveready where she could get changed, and he had told her – right here, as he was not wearing glasses. This was deemed a Hero Award, and Godfather was proud of him!

After last week’s run one of the medicos, Mike, and done an Austin Powers by taking all the UK awards on his own, hence another one this week. It was also discovered that Priya had brushed her teeth with Vagisil, and Silver Bullet joined for leaning. The GM then turned on Poumuli, stating that he was a great dog owner, washing the beast at the beach, but a shit father for leaving his daughter Yahoo in the waves. His excuse that she was learning to swim was not accepted.

Since this was another pink run, Nom Nom and Ephraim were invited to a down down for their very special efforts, through their, erm, shirts. The GM then gave a special Cant Follow Instructions Award to Il Capo and the medicos – Jack and Kate took this one.

Opening up for nominations, Sassy nominated two Hash Meres for the Wussy Award for taking the shortest route possible – Black Swan and Sunny Side Up. Eveready was then nominated for making his 6-yr old granddaughter set the trail.

Poumuli made a nomination for the Dedication to Hash Award. He had been told that  Swinger was 
crook and had stayed home, and the Screamer (Fiji version) was similarly crook, but “she had made herself come”. And that was why and how she was at Hash!

Lewinsky nominated Sassy for the Grandma Award, which was a large one. This prompted Poumuli to nominate Lewinsky for the Grandma Abuse Award. Eveready then introduced his visitors Greg and Colin. Something then happened with Crash’s shoes.

Slim Shady had been excited about going to eat at Nafanua, but the place is closed on Tuesdays. Poumuli appealed to Witch Doctor, but this meant she had to join him for the Hero Award. Il Capo had been visited by Alex (the Italian), and he had been a little tipsy, so upon leaving had tried to drive away in her similar looking car. Il Capo joined in the award for Aiding and Abetting.

StrapOn noted that there was such a thing as Go Topless Day, and was sure that Godfather would be in favour of this event, as an ardent supporter of women’s rights to go topless. There was some discussion about whether Slim Shady would make his day, but in the end it was just a down down for the two of them.

The Hosts and Hare – Crash Bandicoot, Cougar and Eveready were saluted, before we brought out Divine’s cake. She was given an extra long birthday song at her request. And then a great feast was had.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit