Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Hash Run 1557

Talofa Hashers
Apologies for the confusion in the Hash Trash about next week's run which will now be hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Delicious and Crash Bandicoot at their home in Lotopa. While it is in celebration of Delicious' birthday, I can bet you that the theme for the run will again be PINK.
So get out your best Pink outfits and get ready to run! Unless we hear otherwise!

Directions: Head towards the airport past the Mormon Temple at Pesega and turn up to Lotopa to the RLSS Primary school (turn-off points to the Sliding Rocks), the house is on the left hand side just after and behind Adria's cakes.

Run will start normal time at 1730 hrs and the Keg will be there as well as a yummy feed!

And this time the Apia Hash Mad Monk will really, really be there!

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1556

The Hash was hosted by Bruce and Annie at their home in Vailima, opposite Le Manumea. It was a nice sunny day and not too hot, although waiting for the run to start there were a few perspiring. The Hare was Ring Ring, and she had excelled yet again. The trail set off to the left down the unpaved road, then straight into the bush. It was a slippery descent down the track, and several used a bit too much caution. Your Scribe was stuck behind and as soon as the opportunity arose sprinted ahead, but down a false trail. Back on track, we came down to a lovely waterfall and dam, then up through some taro patches and gardens until we reached a new access road. This was just a track in the past, and will need a lot of work to become a proper road, but it was a nice slippery and steep challenge. As we reached the Cross Island Road there was a check mark, but this had been ignored by the front running bastards, who just went straight home. Tallyho, Wane and Poumuli took the longer route, leading to a false trail by the Stevenson Museum. A great trail and good sweat, plus entertainment from the hollering Tallyho. Back at the house Godfather’s sweet nuts awaited.

Tallyho was roped in as guest GM, which he took to with his usual aplomb. Calling the circle together by appealing to our gentle souls, actually he called us a bunch of no-good lazy bastards, he welcomed us to run 1556. New to Apia Hash we had Robert and Tina from Switzerland, here for 3 weeks who had been brought by someone called Yoe. A double down down was shared by Godfather and nearest kin Swinger. (Wonder if we will see the newbies next week!)

The rethreads was only Hot Nuts, who had been travelling all over. He had not overseas hashed as the timing was off. He tried to clarify about a previous award about forgetting his nationality, trying to dob in Pussysnatcher for getting him lost. The GM retorted that he couldn’t have been properly lost as the bastard was back home again, and decreed that both Hot Nuts and PS take the award.

New shoes had been observed earlier, but none of the Shoe Inspectors were present, so the GM asked PS to do the checking, which he failed. Grumbling that this wasn’t his job, PS took another award. The GM called for comments on the run, to which Do Me Twice stated that Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein had been at that waterfall on their second date. A Romantic Award was given, sealed by a chaste kiss. Sassygirl BJ pointed out that the Captain hadn’t removed his sunnies but this was overlooked, as he was busy stopping his daughter flying off the balcony.

The GM called forth the sundry front running bastards who hadn’t done a proper check on the Cross Island Road – Jeff, PS, Dan and Hot Nuts – who should know better or at least learn the rules. He made them demonstrate their On On calls before drinking. Dan raised his hand to say that in all honesty it was Hot Nuts fault! The GM then magnanimously ordered those who had done the check to take a Congratulations Morons Award for running the extra bit.

Celebrity Awards went to Snatch (article in Observer), Cockblocker’s closest relative (for being quoted in article) somehow escaped, Sassy (in paper), Godfather (huge photo with PM Key), Wane for Brazilian Wax (something about a Brazilian clown elected to Parliament), Wahoo (Aunty Tala is in town with the Laughing Samoans) and Ophelie (I forget why), and Screamer for her SPREP boss and for being a pain in the butt for the Scribe that day.

This Day in History Awards went to Swinger (King James of Scotland died 1437), Dan, Spanky, PS and Wane for US Presidents Day and for the shooting of Malcolm X, and Poumuli for Norway using Shetland and Orkneys as dowry for marrying off Margaret of Denmark to the Scottish Crown Prince (which somehow Captain Mortein managed to sneak off from). The International Mother Language Day (used to be Mother Tongue, but some say this was changed after Clinton) was somehow also lost.

Calling for nominations, the GM recognized Poumuli with a yes I thought you would have one, and DMT was nominated for the If Its On The Internet It Must Be True Award for circulating scam articles to the Hash email list. DMT nominated someone called Fren who would be leaving us on the va’a (not vaka, DMT), and joined Kiss My Butt in the award. Sassy nominated Tooth Fairy for the Checking Orifices in Savaii Award, while Screamer felt obliged to nominate Captain Mortein for leaning (after numerous warnings) and for stealing from Bruce’s garden.

Swinger chimed in that he had narrowly prevented previously mentioned daughter from siphoning off her own beer, but as the Captain was by now incoherently mumbling and growling, Pirate Princess reluctantly accepted. The GM had been watching the depressing news on TV from the Middle East, and had only found entertainment in the ongoing travails of the Italian PM. Calling forth Carin to take the award, he told her to lay back and think of Berlusconi. Ophelie then caught Sassy smoking in the circle.

Hot Nuts wanted to set the record straight about his trip to Pohnpei with PS, that he had received the wrong suitcase from lost luggage, which he found to contain women’s clothes. PS he felt had let the side down by not recounting the full juicy details. The GM had quite enough of juicy details, and all agreed that the vision of Hot Nuts wearing women’s tights warranted him joining PS in the award.

Sassy was by now out for revenge, and called on the last people to use the garden hose to own up for wasting water – Ophelie, Carin and Screamer got the Useless Non-Opposable Thumbs Award. Sassy tried one more, in that she had been speaking earlier to the GM, but he was busy rearranging his buttocks in his shorts. The GM ruled that 1(b) took precedence, and that Sassy take the award, which she said should be annotated on the blog as being on behalf of Single Desperate Brit lost in Paradise.
The Hosts and the Hare, Bruce, Annie and Ring Ring were saluted. Some great food had been prepared and many thanks to all who brought goodies.

Next week’s run will posted on the blog, as there is some confusion as to whether Eveready and Karaoke offered to host that week. Your Scribe will be absent so Snatch has been appointed Associate Assistant Trainee Intern Scribe.

A final note – please remember to bring your own drinking cups to Hash so we can reduce the number of plastic cups that get wasted, per order of Ms Spanky.

Finally a warning video relating to disturbing Hashers watching Super 15.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hash Run 1556

Talofa Hashers
Monday 21 February our run will be hosted by Bruce and Annie at their house in Vailima. Not having SOTB's map drawing skills, I shall describe the location instead. Go up the Cross Island Road towards Vailima. When you pass Eugene Road on your right just before Le Mamumea, you should take the left hand turn instead, just before the yellow shack that was a kindergarten for a while. The house is then the first on the left. If you see the Chinese Embassy you have gone too far and are about to pull into Pussysnatcher's house.
Our hosts have limited parking and are suggesting that hashers park on Eugene road if possible.
This is going to be a BYO run so please bring something for the communal table.

It is also possible that the Apia Hash Mad Monk will be there!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Hash Trash 1555

The hash was hosted by Screamer at her house in Siusega, with Ring Ring as the Hare, never a good combination. The instructions were mucked up a bit, as there was a false trail on the turn right out of the gate, but too much excitement led the pack to follow Poumuli and Tallyho to the left. At the next cross road, Tallyho took the left, and being so fleet of foot he was miles away by the time Poumuli found the trail. This took us down towards the Tafaigata area, but turned up into the back roads of Aleisa. It was mostly road and track with quite a few gentle hills, until we turned back past the Orator Hotel and on home to Siusega. Not too long, bit tough, good cool weather, and Godfather’s sweet nuts awaiting us.

Princess of Darkness had returned and took up her GM duties with relish. There was only one new to Apia Hash and that was Kaylen, a Peace Corps volunteer, who has been here for a whole year and only now made it! She said she had been brought by someone called Spunky, so both she and Spanky took the inaugural award of the evening. The Rethreads were Tallyho (in Fjij), Godfather (in NZ), Allan (skiving), Susan (probably blueskying), Jenny (US), Screamer (something mind bogglingly dull) and Lewinsky (family concerns).

The GM recoiled in blinded horror at the sight of Spanky’s bright new shoes, so they were quickly filled and gulped from after Lewinsky confirmed their non-smelliness. Allan was asked why he wasn’t wearing his new shoes, as these had been spotted, so the GM made him drink from Spanky’s shoe also. Turning to other events, the GM had been told that Do Me Twice had arranged for a traffic light party at Y-Not (colours indicating stop or go status), only to see Cockblocker show up in a yellow top, red shorts and green underpants. The GM gave him the Mixed Messages Award, only to be joined by Swinger who was by now wearing a garish lei and the flower in the wrong ear.

As today was St. Valentine’s Day, the GM asked if any hashers had given flowers to persons other than their special one. Apparently Lewinsky was guilty of this one. Celebrity Awards went to Tiger Woody for spitting (closest relative was found, but not remembered), Wax for Observer Story on Samoans in Germany, Zsa Zsa for Hot Nuts being in the Waitangi photo, Tallyho for being a Pom, Poumuli for the PIFS SG, Snatch for media blunder (Hang Your HRPP Candidate) and Susan for not consulting all Samoatel employees (SOTB is missing of course). (For next week we will also need to note this celebrity below!)

This Year in History – Gresham’s School was founded in 1555 (Poumuli is alumnus). This Day in History, in 842 Charles the Bald and Louis the German swore the Oath of Strasbourg in French and German, so Ophelie and Wax did the honors, joined by the follicle-challenged, less than hirsute Brazilian Wax and Godfather. Latecummer Award went to Kiss My Butt and a telephones interruptus to a va’a crewmember. The GM demanded that Crime now wears the Dome of Silence as he was chattering the whole time! Godfather, who had wished Ophelie a Happy Valentine’s Day, asked if any hashers who had not asked anyone of such to step forward – Lewinsky and Jeff the AYAB!

Opening up to nominations from the floor, Dan the Bonebreaker was nominated by his wife for not announcing his Pom background earlier, while he tried to get someone called James implicated. In the end both took the Deceptive Silence Award, with a double for Dan. Poumuli nominated DMT for the Eager Beaver Award for finding out about National Toothache Day. Wane and Jenny joined in this US-conspired celebration in light of Hershey’s chocolates coming from their country. Swinger then wanted all the singles to come forward for a Valentines Special, but Brazilian spotted another confused flower wearer, so Bruce took it all alone.

A final nomination went to Snatch, who had been shocked by CB criticizing Screamer’s ability to shoo away dogs (the old alu trick). After a lengthy demonstration and much mirth it was decided that Screamer didn’t know what she was doing, and Slippery was too much of an alleycat to pass for a Samoan dog.

The host and the hare, Screamer and Ring Ring were saluted, and the feast of curry, salads and bbq was snarfled up.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Bruce and Annie opposite Manumea in Vailima.

On On Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, February 11, 2011

Hash Run 1555

Talofa to all. Monday 14th February Hash Run will be hosted by Screamer at her place in Siusega. See map for directions. This will be a BYO run so please bring some food for the table or the BBQ. If I got that wrong I will correct it later on the weekend!

As you will have seen from the GM's magnanimous decree, the theme for this run will be St. Valentine's Day! So wear what would be an appropriate celebration of that, however tenuously linked in your mind.

Please note that Screamer has also asked that you bring your own drinking vessel, so bring some appropriate cupware so you may enjoy the nectar of life.

UPDATE! Screamer informs that the track leading down to her house is way too muddy due to the rain, and is asking all of us to park on the next road after. She will ensure that the gate is open through the hedge, so that no goolies will be left on the fence trying to "swing" over.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1554

The Hash was hosted at Y-Not by Jay and Patrick. It was a cool day for the season, what with all the rain and clouds, but that didn’t deter a good sized crowd from turning out. The trail had been set on flour, a bit of a risk in this area with all those pigs around, but it turned out alright. Didn’t catch any of them snuffling around to see what it was. Over the bridge at Vaisigiano with Cockblocker in the charge, the trail looked like a sea wall run for a while. But we broke off down Ififi Street, where there were a few false trails and eventually a circled sign at the four corners. After a bit of searching by the pack the trail was found on Faatoia Road, but the trail just stopped. Quick minds found the trail again along the Vaisigiano river, and they were quickly overtaken by CB, who was not at the start of this sentence. Then it was an easy run back to Y-Not. Some more dedicated runners took an extra loop around the Vaiala/Matautu block. Good hard run, but definitely a short one.

Eveready stepped in as GM for the evening, noting that Lewinsky and POD were at a family emergency and that we should all hope and pray for them.

The GM called forth those new to Apia Hash, and that was Jay from Eire, who has no idea how long he will be here, and was made to show Irish skills on the down down. The Rethreads were Spanky (in Minnesodar), Crime (working, huh?), Popeye (back here on a UN contract). The Shoe Inspector was absent, but CB had clearly witnessed some new shoes on Jay, but for some reason he was let off the hook.

Celebrity Awards went to Zsa Zsa (for speedy recovery from illness as reported in American Samoa News), Sassygirl BJ (smiley face in Chamber of Commerce training ad), Swinger, Crown of Thorns and CB (smiley faces in a crowd of Whale Group Meets in Samoa – Swinger should have been doubled for the va’a ad, but escaped).
As we had to have a quick change of venue which the GM gratefully acknowledged, he did also point out that the intended occasion was to celebrate Happy Feet’s birthday. So in honour of the little people present, he requested Captain Mortein to take this one, but he was accompanied by a reluctant Pirate Princess who was trying to hold Y-Not up. It was also COT’s last run with us for a while, and she was asked if she had any words of wisdom for us. Not! Spanky had to help her.

For the On This Day in History Awards there were many. In 1554 (25 Jan) Sao Paulo, Brazil was founded, so that one was for Brazilian Wax. 7 February 1497 was the original Bonfire of the Vanities when a bunch of religious freaks burned books, cosmetics, art etc in Firenze, Italy – Carin of course. On 6 February 1685, James II was crowned King of England and Scotland – Swinger, 1840 was of course the signing of the Waitangi Treaty – Popeye as token Kiwi. And finally it was the International Day for Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation – obviously CB is doing a good job.

Opening up for nominations, the GM recognized CB, who had had a bet on rugby with someone called James – a Foolish Gamble Award to Swinger and CB. Pussysnatcher nominated the Hare for the Worst Warm-Up Run Ever Award (oh, getting close to competitive sportsmanship here!).

At this point the Apia Hash’s Mad Monk appeared, having swum to her plane in Queensland, to punish some naughty people here at the Apia Hash. She called forth Anton, man of hot metal, loves cars, who shall now be known as Hot Rod. Patrick was called forth, who tells girls to open wide. He shall henceforth be known as Tooth Fairy. Finally, Jay was dragged before the Mad Monk, Jay who brags and talks about hisself, shall now be known as Dumass. The Mad Monk is not leaving yet and will be back next week for the naughty girls with no names!

At that point latecummers Crash Bandicoot and Delicious arrived with Baby Desirable, and while they blamed SOTB on the Hash Mugs absence, still took the down down. Swinger returned us to the normal Hash practice of ridiculing authority, which could take on a whole new meaning if Greenie wins the Parliamentary seat he is seeking – Cash/Beer for Votes Scandal Award!

Sassy nominated CB for being a good mate to a fellow hasher, getting him home and ready for his flight. This should probably be the Belligerently Stinky Puking Swearing I-Know-What-Time-It-Is Rescue of SOTB Award. Kiss My Butt had been kept awake by a lot of ukulele practicing last week, since we all knew Godfather would be away. Non-Duelling Ukulele Awards to Zsa Zsa and Josh.

The Dome of Silence was awarded to COT who couldn’t stop talking even after the song started! Another latecummer Do Me Twice got hauled up for another Traffic Violation Award by Sassy, this time for gyrating (yes!) while driving and talking on the cellphone. Pirate Princess nominated Vulture for Chariot Riding. Sassy claimed that a theme was supposed to be posted by Poumuli (what, me?), so a Dumbo Award to Poumuli.

The GM had been watching what he claims is an actual sport, the Super Bowl that is and got Spanky to do the honors for the Green Bay Packers. Sassy though Strangler was back, instead it was PS who got the Stranglers Tone Deaf Award. Dumass nominated PS for a Fidelity Award, by choosing to send Snatch in a taxi to the airport instead of driving her. Poumuli got Sassy back for advertising SOTB’s IT skills on the blog, which Brazilian put a dent in by reminding us that today was also Bob Marley’s birthday, and the only one wearing reggae colours was Poumuli (the Bob Marlin in Key West actually).

The host and the hare – Dumass and Tooth Fairy – were saluted appropriately, and they were warmly thanked for their generous hosting. It was a tremendous feast of bbq and roast pork with lots of trimmings.

Next week’s Hash will be hosted by Screamer in Siusega. Your Scribe informed that she had indicated that a theme would be announced, but that no way in hell would it be a Valentine’s Day run. The GM took this information as the delicately balanced information that it was, called for a vote, and guess what, next week’s run will have a Valentine’s Day theme! It’s a miracle! Jehovah, Jehovah!
The GM had to take one though for forgetting what Screamer’s name was.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Hash 1554

Dear all Hashers
Monday the 7th of February the Hash will be hosted at Y-Not - a well known establishment in town. Just head onto Beach Road going west past Aggie Grey's and across the Vaisigano bridge, turn left at the junction and head towards the wharf. Y-Not is on the right well before you get to the wharf.
The Hash Monk is going to be there, so beware, enjoy and see you Monday.

On On

Hash Trash 1553

The Hash was hosted by Wahoo and Poumuli on the grounds of the Paul Compound in Vaoala. Dawn Raid was the Hare, assisted by Cole, and they set a run that would be familiar to many. Up towards Bank Street, down to the cow pastures, into the ravine and up through the bananas until we hit the Cross-Island Road above Mynas for the long slog up the hill on home. Godfather was absent but had graciously arranged for Brazilian Wax to bring the sweet nuts.

Princess of Darkness was GM, and due to the rain arranged the circle on the balcony, more in the form of a boomerang. There were three newbies – Necro from the Tajikistan Hash, but a Yank visiting, Jeff from Oz who is an AYAB, and Petelo from NUS. There were many rethreads – Ring Ring (sick from the weather), Shelly (none), Mustang Sally (in NZ as a, erm, street worker), Slippery (none) Patrick (in Savaii), Anton (at Uni in Auckland), Brazilian (IN Germany) and Crash Bandicoot (busy with baby, yeah right).

The GM couldn’t spot any new shoes, but Shelly’s daughter had spied her Mother’s bright shoes hidden in the car, so Shelly had to do a big one. Greenie was leaning right in front of the GM. Sassygirl BJ interjected that Ring Ring had her cap on during the rethreads award, but Slippery’s camera had been in action, and a quick zoom resulted in a False Accusation Award to Sassy.

Celebrity Awards went to Wahoo (closest relative to famous diplomat on front page), SOTB (trying to sneak out of VERTS award photo), Cockblocker (closest relative to AC/DC – another VERTS story), Snatch (Mum in the paper again!) and Crown of Thorns. Since the circus is in town, Sassy told of how a hasher had went to look, yet could only describe the huge pendulous breasts he had seen. Perving Award to Swinger.
The GM had a few Traffic Offenses Awards, first of all to Lewinsky for apparently putting COTs life at risk trying to get out of a diner, and Do Me Twice for talking on a cell phone while driving, gesticulating wildly. In her absence, employer Jay took the award. Lewinsky’s was doubled as an incident with the unsafe transportation of roofing irons was added to the long list of why he should not be allowed on the road.

This Day in History was a remarkable one, in that on 31st January, the US had managed to free the slaves (1865), force the Native Americans onto reservations one and all ( 1876), sent a monkey into space (1961) and opened a McDonalds in Moscow (1990), so all the Yanks drank. SOTB demanded that Poumuli join as he was the closest living relative to the monkey.

The GM had been informed that the Dome of Silence had been lost in CBs car. In her defence Ophelie retorted that she had only been trying to shut him up, but took the award none the less. Pussysnatcher had been on a trip to Pohnpei with Hot Nuts, who when asked where he was from said Australia, no New Zealand. While he claimed to have been ill and lost the plot, Mistaken Identity Award to Hot Nuts.

COT, who is here to organize a conference, was told by the wife of the conference chair that she had booked her hotel through the Samoa Hotel Association, only to be told upon arrival that there was no booking. Upon complaining to both the hotel and SHA, who claimed no recollection, the wife said that she had spoken to someone called Nynette! Sassy got a Drunk At the Desk Award.

SOTB tried to get Poumuli for not doing his job in bringing the clipping of Godfather to the circle, but it was pointed out that he should have raised that during the Celebrity Awards – both had to endure. Zsa Zsa told of how he had gone kite surfing with Dawn Raid, only to find him later being dragged at high speed down the beach, sans trunks. Dawn Raid got a big one for the Ball Dragging Award. Zsa Zsa kindly supplied the photo below.

Sassy, who has had extensive bar training, called attention to the cracked hash mug she had been given. Crash stated that it had been perfectly fine when he had given them to Lewinsky. In the confusion, both of them took the award for Shoddy Hashmugmanship.

Getting back to the trail, Snatch described her dangerous descent into the ravine and how she had fallen when crossing the river, and her accompanying Hash Mere, Jo the Doctor, had merely laughed. In her Solomonic wisdom, the GM decreed that Snatch should get a Whingeing Award, Jo a Hapless Doctor Award, and SOTB for not being present to show off his new VERTS skills. Startled from his dreams of pendulous circus breasts, Swinger demanded an Environmental Award to the Hare for the liberal use of paper on the trail.

Sassy brought to the Hash’s attention the extremely high IQ of Shelly’s daughter River, for passing exams at an astronomically high score, although Sassy’s explanation of said scores was fairly confusing – a somewhat different IQ score perhaps? Shelly took the award for Maternal Brilliance. On this note, CB wanted a Fertility Award given to COT, as since she returned to the island there has been a massive outbreak of Crown of Thorns around the south. Poumuli noted that the fertilization may have been caused by Dawn Raid free-balling his way around those beaches, and Dawn Raid joined Greenie as COT’s whipping boy.

Jeff the newbie, complained at the poor signage on the trail (shurely shome mistake?), as he had gotten lost in the bush. Rather incredulously the GM enquired who had brought him to Hash, which was Josh, and then berated both of them for not knowing the rules and for obviously needing the services of an optometrist. SOTB wanted to give another Wannabe Kiwi Award to Poumuli for wearing Auckland Blues shorts. When it was pointed out that Poumuli’s Brother-in-Law plays for the Blues, SOTB had to join. At this point Greenie’s son dropped the chip bowl, so a Parental Supervision Award was given.

COT was at a ceremony for Crash and Delicious’s Baby, when the one person who shouldn’t bungle his job did so, namely Lewinsky. For the Baptism Bubu Award he was joined by Mustang and Crash. Pussysnatcher had been at the beach at Lupe’s only to see Brazilian sneak into a fale with a big smile on his face. A Honeymoon Award went to Brazilian and Wax. Finally, after having been berated on the blog for changing the venue twice, Poumuli described how he had looked up the appropriate patron saint for safer weather, only to find that this was St Antonius of the Desert. SOTB and Anton got the Saintly Award.

The hosts and the hare, Poumuli and Cole were saluted and the hashers descended upon the bbq that had been provided.

Next week’s hash will be at Y-Not. Be advised that the Hash Monk has threatened to be there, so we should have some fun.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit