Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Hash Trash 1749

Once upon a time on an island far far away lived a man who sailed the seas. Of treacherous reefs and dastardly scoundrels, Hot Nuts navigated his ways through the shoals of red tape that are spread by the nefarious United Nations. When all was said and done he was going a bit dotty, so local Hashers (one Scribe) named his abode the Nuthouse. One day he decided to tell his tale, not through a story book, or pictures, but through the magical medium of a Hash Run. He sought the wise counsel of his wife, Nutcracker, who after serious thought and contemplation told him to get lost. In the bush. Which he did. And that is when the magical Hash Troll Dodraugen appeared to him in a mist of effluent vapours, and showed him the way through the forest to emerge at the little encampment of fales on the road to the haunted waterworks installed by mad Germans seeking to appease their salubrious totems. Having pleaded with the local villagers to let him pass – you simply do not pass – using his gift of mangled syntax and additional testiculation – and all at the fales agreed, yes indeed this man has heated testicular fortitude – he was allowed to set the magical trail that the Hashers would “enjoy” in a few days. Being a man of environmental sensibilities, Hot Nuts prudently strew the trail with paper shreds specially masticated by gnomes that live in the shadowy compound at Vailima known as Treehugger Central. Or Carbon Footprint Size 12, depending on which grump you talk to. To add to this highly environmentally surly behaviour he included lengths of the red tape sourced from the UN-shoals. These are also very friendly to the ecosystem and will disappear in approximately ten thousand years. The Hashers assembled for the wondrous story telling event at the appointed time, and all were about as excited as a Parisian crowd watching a mime performance. The Hash Troll had illuminated the mind of Hot Nuts well, as the trail went around the fence of the Nut House and up and down, up and down an old track that had been created thousands of seconds ago by a bovine dozer. Treacherous vines grappled at our ankles, but we were kept in grievous good spirits by Vai Vai blowing on Monica. The hills took their toll, so after much huffing and puffing it soon appeared that Monica was blowing Vai Vai. Entering the fales we respectfully made our obeisance to the dwellers, including Tallyho who softly said the magical words On On at the top of his voice – and by top we mean it could be heard on Mount Silisili. Out on the road some confusion reigned, perhaps it was the Hash Troll luring the pack down to the dreaded waterworks where Dick Cheney awaits with planks for some waterboarding. In the end we found our way, and while the dreaded Hound of the Raystaxis attempted to de-leg Vai Vai and your Scribe, all made it safely On Home. Appropriately as usual Godfather had provided that luxuriously refreshing drink that emanates from cracking open his succulent nuts.

As mentioned the Hash was hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker, and a herd of Australian Hashers and Newbies had also assembled to join us. POD the GM called the  circle to order and asked these visitors to step forward. They were Pete, Blake, Tom, Jewel, Nigel and Dan, and Hashers Grumpy, Tippy, Sticky and Cockfighter. They were over for Dan’s birthday which we will come back to.
The Retreads were Murray (slow learner), Captain Mortein (procreating), Ring Ring (injured), Snake (infesting NZ) and Eveready (he hadn’t owned up at run 1747). Ring Ring forgot her hat on, and had to be helped with her double by Murray.

Moa was asked to be Shoe Inspector and she hit a triple whammy – Nigel, Tom and Screamer all had new shoes. A double was given for hat wearing, with Nigel commenting on the superlative means of drinking beer and that this would now be his vessel of choice.

This Day in History Awards went to Hot Nuts for Gayboy (1851 – William Lassell, discovers the moons Umbriel, and Ariel, orbiting Uranus – while this would excite Gayboy, Hot Nuts was more excited by your Scribe’s enunciation), Poumuli (1905 – Sweden accepted the independence of Norway) and this included United Nations Day. Godfather took Swinger’s (Feast Day of St James the Just).

Celebrity Awards went to Hot Nuts for not being in the United Nations system photo of Pinktober, while POD took one for Lewinsky, at the announcement of the Lewinsky Twitter feed. Snake added that he had seen Godfather on NZ TV.

Turning to the run, the GM was grateful for the return of Monica, and awarded Vai Vai the Blowjob Award for a job well blown. Also, reports had come in that Grumpy had taken a tumble on the run and looked like a whale on land. Claiming that he had been pushed, he appealed to the deaf ears of the GM.

When Tallyho was here last he faithfully brought his coconut mug along. Well now he has a new mug, which he claims is superior and the next best thing to the Holy Grail. In his explanation of this to the GM he went way further, and claimed that it had a sticky bottom, attributable to the liberal application of haemorrhoid cream which explained why the GM reacted to his hands like he had Ebola. I believe this was a Too Much Information Award.

The GM had noted the inability of the Oz visitors to pour their beers properly, and that they needed Titty Galore’s assistance, so a Beer Abuse Award went to Sticky. Latecummers Crash Bandicoot and Cougar were greeted, before Tallyho launched into a tirade about the missing Hash Shrine. He claimed that when he left he had handed this to the most responsible Hasher of all – Eveready – only to find that he had handed it to the least responsible Hasher of all – Gayboy. He also presented the rock from last week's run by which Pussysnatcher smote the evil mutt, but now enveloped in the red tape that Hot Nuts had made him wear on the run. Eveready took this in his stride until Vai Vai handed him a diet Coke instead of beer!

Hot Nuts had been at a dinner, where Swinger had proclaimed that he would shout only to find that he didn’t have enough cash and had to borrow from his Mum! Eveready chimed in that it must run in the family, as Godfather was reported to have done something similar at a past Hash. Godfather offered the explanation that every morning he has to beg Titty G for money, obviously for services rendered, and thus the Chinese Wallet Award went to Titty G.

The birthday boy Dan was saluted with the English and Samoan birthday songs, followed by the Hash Anthem performed for Blowfish who is leaving us, but promised to come back next year for the wedding of SOTB and Alcatraz.

Watch the blog for next week’s run and Swinger will be asked to be Assistant Trainee Scribe again as your Scribe is off to Vanuatu for a week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Hash Run 1749

Monday's run will be held from the Nut House, the new abode of Hot Nuts and Nutcracker. See map below and togs instruction. Run will start at 6 PM because of the bloody daylight savings time. Bring your Hash Cash of $20 and prepare for an epic run - we hope!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1748

The Hash was hosted by Iron Lady at YNot, with Vai Vai setting the trail. We were still not sure on the ruling on the start time for the run so several of us where there early. Your Scribe now having studied the Book of After Liff, will continue to use it as a source for the Trash. Vai Vai, obviously a bit of a bankhead[1], had set off early to find the trail, and we were all rather halamanning[2] as we saw the extent of sweat he had conjured up, and the fact that he was looking quite tootgarrook[3]. The pack set off on left out on Beach Road with an initial falsie leading to Apia Park. Then it was alongside Vaisingano with its associated sundry smells. Out through the village and down the long lanes there was a Hash Halt where the walkers could take a short cut On Home looking nothing more than a bunch of Ypsilanti[4]. Joining the runners for the longer trail Poumuli felt a bit like a duckend green[5] as the trail then took the long stretches down towards the old Blue Marlin on the coastal road. Heading on back towards town the trail went off to the right at the UN building and along Vaiala Beach for the On Home. All and sundry agreed that this was a drongan[6] of a run set by Vai Vai, as we appreciatively downed the juices from Godfather’s perspiring nuts. 

POD the GM called the circle to order, and called in those new to Apia Hash. These were Marty and Cass on vacation, brought by Vai Vai and Moa, and Melanie and Stuart brought by Pussysnatcher and Snatched.

The Retreads were Poumuli (paying for Wahoo’s vacation), Wahoo (vacation), Pussysnatcher (overseas), Screamer (lazy), Horny Ho (doing her thang), Da Head (working on his “project”), Iron Lady (overseas), Possum and Bogun Barbie (running a resort).

Celebrity Awards went to Da Head for AC/DC (in paper and on BBC/ABC for climate change protest in Newcastle) and Crime for One Infection (all the Ebola stories). This Day in History Awards went to Transporter for Gayboy (1384 – Jadwiga is crowned King of Poland, although she is a woman), Lewinsky (not sure why, and GM was a bit miffed - 1844 – The Great Anticipation: Millerites, followers of William Miller, anticipate the end of the world in conjunction with the Second Advent of Christ. The following day became known as the Great Disappointment), Wahoo (her favourite food - International Day of the Nacho), Tallyho (World Statistics Day) and Possum (World Wombat Day – closest living relative I suppose).

Turning to the GM’s awards there had been a crash reported in the paper, which of course went to Crash Bandicoot, who was joined by Poumuli for missing it. She obviously felt he was being a bit brouchy[7]. She then declared that a Shoe Inspector was not needed as she had spotted Godfather, Iron Lady and Stuart. Iron Lady actually drank from Godfather’s other shoe and Stuart also was game for a laugh. Right away the GM called forth Pussysnatcher for not explaining all the Hash Rules to Stuart.

Opening up to the floor, Tallyho was back in his usual demeanour and claimed to have something important for the Hash Shrine – but lo – where was it? Claiming that Gayboy might have cooked and served it at Sunrise he was not inconsiderably upset that the stone by which Pussysnatcher had smote an angry mutt could not be included. Overstayer claimed to have seen Tallyho pick this blunt instrument up somewhere completely removed from the mutt-smoting site, which in the end became a False Accusation Award for Overstayer.

Many had also noted that on the run there had been a diversion on the trail, with Godfather dashing off into the bushes. Convinced that he had broken the draft rule about not pissing on the Hare’s Trail, Godfather took his Rulebreaker Award. Also on the run, many had commented on the polite considerate runner at the front who had constantly turned around to shout the On On. And while he also showed undue sportsmanship it was agreed that this would be a Not Tallyho Behaviour Award (he does shout On On, but in an annagry fashion[8]). 

Latecummer Blowfish was saluted and rewarded, as the GM recounted how a Hasher had been sightseeing behind bars in Pago, ie locked up in gaol, for a crime he didn’t commit. Possum was of course joined by Crime. Vai Vai presented the Scribe with a new dictionary – which has been sought used in this Trash.

Possum took the floor to clarify that he had been wrongly locked up by the bloody Yanks, and demanded justice from a closest living relative – Lewinsky. He had also met the Pago Godfather who was a bit of an oulton[9] and obviously an impostor. Godfather was seriously confused as to why he had to take this one.

Transporter nominated Bogun Barbie for being a pool shark and starting a ruckus, then buggering off. Overstayer is leaving again and it was Transporter’s last Hash as a free man, thus we gave them the Hash Anthem, ably led by a testiculating[10] Tallyho.

The Hare and the Host – Vai Vai and Iron Lady with Horny Ho stepping in for Tasi – were saluted in the traditional manner before we descended on a very nice feast laid on for us.

Next week’s run is at the Nut House, abode of Hot Nuts and Nutcracker.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

[1] Someone who gives up a good job in the city to do something meaningless, like set a Hash Trail
[2] Trembling violently , in the manned of a washing machine at the end of its cycle
[3] Someone very pleased with himself, re-tweeting praise given about self
[4] A group of recently discharged mental patients at a bus stop
[5] Lone vegetarian at a table of carnivores
[6] An encrustation on the wall of a cheap hotel that looks suspiciously like dried snot
[7] Looking at the world through dung-coloured spectacles
[8] Infuriated by the last crossword puzzle
[9] A person you get on with but wouldn’t want to socialize with
[10] This one is mine – gesturing wildly while talking absolute bollocks

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Venue change- Run #1748

Hi Folks
This coming Mondays run ie 20th October will be now be held at Y-Not. It is being hosted by Iron Lady. Hope to see you there! Onon,

Hash Trash 1747

The Hash was hosted by Godfather and TittyG at the Maotaoma’a beach fales at Tafatafa.  Since it was a public holiday (White Sunday Monday), the hash was set to start at 11am, but the run didn’t start until noon, which was perfect as that is the coolest time of the day. The run was set by Crime and Godfather and basically followed the usual rectangular route along the beach inland past to the main road then along the road and back to the start. A simple but effective hash to get everyone thirsty and ready for the amber nectar.

POD was the GM and brought the circle to order. The retreads were Vaivai, Moa, Hotnuts, Nutcracker and BB (who tried her best to remain un-noticed but failed). There were quite a few New Boots, invited by TittyG, but who tried to avoid the circle and ended up getting punished in the usual manner – Shannon and Chris from Salani, Charlie the Tongan (looking for a Samoan wife) and Kalita from Paddles.

The GM’s special award went to Prince for trying to burn his house down after the last hash by forgetting about a pot of chicken cooking on the stove. The celebrity award was won by Elle Mc Jr but I don’t remember exactly why …Charlie got an award for something to do with a Government car going to the plantation for some nookie or something….Vaivai was awarded for harassing other runners, in particular Tia. Latecummers were Crash, Delicious, Witchdoctor and Imelda da Welder. Delicious was awarded for advertising her new cake shop (which incidentally is at Malifa across the road from the new SLC apartments). Rufie was awarded the “hardman” award for drinking all night and still being able to run and drink more the next day… One Erection was awarded for trying to nominate Rufie but getting confused and taking far too long over it. Godfather nominated Lewinski for telling him that he had “forgotten his nuts” when in fact his golden nuts were simply being kept cool…

Since it was Rufie and Blowfish’s last Apia hash run and they were about to return to NZ, they were both presented with their 50th run t-shirts and then they and the kids (Jack Spratt and Catfish) were given the usual hash send-off with the hash anthem, “Swing low”. Tears were shed at the sad moment, but Godfather’s ukulele and singing, as well as some more gulps of the nectar, helped to lift spirits.

Hotnuts asked what had happened to the “this day in history” and Swinger was then given his opportunity but noted that since the keg was running low he would only give one “this day in history” fact. He informed the circle that today was “international no bra-day” and so he suggested that the hash meres take their bras off. Instead Kalita,who was wearing a revealing bikini, was nominated to take a down-down for the hash meres.

The Hosts (Godfather and TittyG) and Hare (crime) were saluted and we were then treated to a fine spread of pork, fish, BBQ chicken and sausages, taro, palusami etc etc. Delicious!

Check the blog for details on next Monday’s hash which will be at Ululoloa.

After 3 weeks I shall now sign off as the Trainee Assistant Scribe, and pass the poison pen back to Poumuli.

On On! Swinger

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Apia Hash Net Tools Under Construction

We are trying to move the Apia Hash House Harriers net resources into the modern age, with full mobile support and more. Please be patient. As we make this transition there will be growing pains (i.e. there's an issue with our new mailing list not delivering to and users).

Please let Mr. Whippy know if you're willing to be a lab rat and test the new stuff at:

On On!

PS: Once we're done, you will not have to be a member of Twitter or any other social network. Everything will be available to members via simple controls on:

Sunday, October 12, 2014

White Sunday Hash- Monday 13th October

White Sunday Hash will be at Maotamaa Fales, Tafatafa. The run will start at 11am so it's not too hot (10am in terms of heat due to daylight savings) and so we can make a day of it at the beach. Godfather is putting on some umu but feel free to add to the spread- the Hash BBQ will be there. Hope to see you there for Rufie, Jack Sprat and Catfish's last run... Onon!

Hash Trash #1746

The Hash was hosted by Prince and Rona at their love shack in the woods at Siusega.

Once again the day was hot and with daylight savings a 6pm run is a steamy affair. The trusty and reliable Crime set the run which was set on flour and looped up, up, up, past the Orator hotel then along, along, along past the PM’s home at Ululoloa then down, down, down….and finally back home. The pack led as usual by POD and Rufie arrived exhausted to enjoy GF’s sweet nuts.

After the run everyone was milling around while the kids tried to kill each other, but then someone realised that we were missing someone- the new boot, Steve, Lewinski’s cousin visiting from NZ… Steve had been clearly well briefed on the hash by Lewinski because he had been drinking before the run, had no shirt nor running shoes and didn’t know what “on-on” meant…. A search party duly went out to look for Steve with POD taking the lead on foot, and Lewinski, Transporter and others in vehicles (strange that)… After an exhaustive search, Transporter eventually found Steve at Vaitele fou loitering in someone’s garden and wondering what the fuss was all about…

At dusk the Princess of Darkness (GM) called the circle to order. Steve was the only newbie and said he had been introduced by Chi… (downdown for Gayboy). Retreads were Lowrider and Mataia.   Prince nominated Witch Doctor’s meatballs as the celebrity award and Swinger who had missed that story in the paper got the reward (or punishment) with her. Swinger read out the Day in History awards which went to Crime, Crash and Lewinski for various tenuous links and interpretations of pseudo facts/fictions…

POD gave a few GM’s awards- first for Transporter and Prince for something to do with modelling “exotic angles”, Steve for being lost in Samoa on his first visit, Crash for forgetting his son’s hash name (which I forget), Justine for not knowing that in hash you are supposed to follow a trail, and for Crime for not explaining hash rules, and finally for Transporter for a wearing a pink outfit on his Buck’s night and for leaving his pink panties in Lowrider’s bedroom and thereby getting Gayboy insanely jealous.

The floor was opened and Lewinsky tried to dob in Transporter for something that had to do with lunch and building up a sweat, but they both got done for it. Transporter got Swinger and Godfather for not helping to look for Steve, even though both protested that there were injured… Transporter got Lewinski for not looking after his cousin Steve and for Steve for not listening to the detailed hash briefing he was apparently given by Lewinski and in particular for not knowing the difference between flower and flour. Rufie and Prince got done for telefonus interreptus.

The Hare (Crime) and the Hosts (Prince and Rona) were saluted and we then had a scrumptious meal of chilli chicken, chop suey, salads and other yummy dishes.

Next week’s White Sunday run will be hosted by the Godfather at Maotaomaa at Tafatafa. Check the blog for details. On On, Swinger

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Daylight savings time change

Please note that due to daylight savings, the hash run now starts at 6pm

Hash Trash #1745

The Hash was hosted by Gayboy at his “Purple Oyster bar” at Vaivase Uta. The house had clearly been vacant for some time and Gayboy had obviously just cleaned it of all offending and illegal items specially for the occasion.

Since daylight savings had just commenced the day before, the run didn’t start until well past 6pm… The small pack set off on the hot, steamy and painful run (for everyone except POD) that basically went down, down, down to Vaitele St (Airport rd) then past Farmer Joes then up, up, up past the Maota Samoa and back to Gayboy’s palace. Crime had set the run on flour and was clearly too exhausted to repeat the run so short cutted on the way back.

Princess of Darkness our GM called the circle to order. There were no newbies or retreads. POD reminded all that today was the 5th Anniversary of the tsunami then Swinger read out the Day in History which went to Godfather (World Tourism Day), Crash (Ask a Stupid Question day), TittyG (World Rabies Day) and Gayboy (the anniversary of Alexander Fleming discovering penicillin for the treatment of nasty infections).

The hashers had obviously been very boring in the past week because trainee scribe Swinger could not find any stories or photos in the paper for the Celebrity Awards (and info promised by Poumili to Swinger never materialised), so he gave it to the Kiwis (taken by Blowfish) for the All Blacks record number of rugby wins (22) and to Gayboy for China’s 65th anniversary of its love affair with Samoa.

Special awards went to TittG for the “boning award (asking for a “huge” T-bone steak), to Gayboy for telephonus interreptus, to Crash for Sth Sydney Rabbitos being in the Rugby League Grand Final for the first time in 100 years (don’t ask me why Crash got that one), to Delicious for smoking in the circle in front of her kids,  and to Eveready (taken by Crash) for not looking after the hash shrine… Incidentally- we must apologise to Tallyho because the shrine is looking rather sad having lost most of its items when it was left in Eveready’s back yard … luckily Godfather’s prized purple bra remains…).

Other awards went to Rufie for an epic motorbike failure, to Delicious for cooking a great curry, to Crash for the lazy man award (taking 3 months to sew 6 inches), to Lewinski and Delicious for the dirty laundry award and to Sassy for going to the Gold Coast to see SOTB and Alcatraz… Justine also got a special award for it being her first hash run. Since there was only a small group there were numerous more down downs but the trainee scribe’s hearing and memory got a bit hazy at this point…

The Hare (Crime) and the Host (Gayboy) were saluted and we had a scrumptious meal of grilled snapper, chilli chicken, chop suey and other “Sunrise” treats courtesy of Gayboy.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Prince and Rona at Siusega starting at 6pm. Watch the blog for details. On On, Swinger

Directions to Prince & Ronna's house for Hash Run #1746 (Monday 6th October)

Directions to Prince & Ronna's house for Hash Run #1746 (Monday 6th October)

From town, make your way to Siusega/Ululoloa toward the big Catholic Church (the PM's church) located on the corner of the oddly shaped  four-corners.  If coming from Alafua, go straight past the four-corners toward Tafaigata landfill/prison (turn right at the 4-corners if coming from Vaitele). Our driveway is located 100m from the from the four-corners between Tallyho's old place and the recently built HousePac Accommodation. Parking is limited at our pad so it may be better to park on the main road. Check out the rough map. See you there and on-on.
Prince and Ronna will cater. See you there