Friday, September 25, 2015

Hash Run 1796

Talofa all
Monday's run will be hosted by Wet Pussy and Offspring at the Clitorial Mansion in Siusega. This is basically over the hedge from where Screamer used to live.
So, go towards the Faleata sports grounds, take the road towards Tafaigata past the big cake like church on the corner. Take the second tar sealed road on the right, just after the dirt track that led to Screamer's. Go past the road side entrance to Screamer's, then you can either turn in through the fence at the next opening, or go  down the next dirt track on right and turn right. Apparently there is a big fale or something on that corner.
Apologies, cant be more specific but these directions were given in Afrikaans by a deaf diver with the attention span of a small rodent.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1795

The Hash was hosted by Claudia and Aaron at the Casa del Italianos on Bank Street in Vaoala. It was a great day for a run, not too hot, but the trail was one that the regulars knew regularly. We have run it a hundred times. This time we went down the cross island road first then cut in above Mynas. There was some confusion as to where we should cut through to the river, but it was found in a sort of hash like organised way by POD and Poumuli. The hard slog up that bloody hill to Bank street was sufficient for many to become walkers. Someone had forgotten to chill Godfather’s nuts, so they were less glistening than usual.

POD opened the circle, and invited the newbies forward. There was Kat who had come from Melbourne to be with Daz. A cellphonus interruptus started Twin Peaks on his early demise.
Retreads were Wet Pussy, Offspring, Aaron and Katy. Useless explanations not annotated. Speedhumper was appointed Shoe Inspector, and while she was on to a good thing with Offspring’s taped up boots hiding new shoes underneath, this was an overall fail. Starting early on her down down, she demonstrated an albatrossic spit back with alacrity.

Celebrity Awards went to Crime for the Tafaigata prison story, and Poumuli for finding about 8 celebrities who were not even present.

This Day in History Awards went to Witch Doctor (1872 – King Oscar II accedes to the throne of Sweden–Norway), Titty Galore (1893 – Women's suffrage: In New Zealand, the Electoral Act of 1893 is consented to by the governor giving all women in New Zealand the right to vote), Eveready (2011 – The United States military ends its "don't ask, don't tell" policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time), Daz (International Talk Like A Pirate Day) and Twin Peaks (World Car Free Day).

The GM’s Awards are always inventive, and no less so this night. Cunning Linguist was given an Impersonator Award for trying to look like Strap On and for not declaring his new straps. Offspring was brought in to celebrate South Africa’s loss to Japan, along with proxy Japanese Strap On, in the absence of the disgruntled Korean housewife.

Daz was called forward for the explanation of how, when Heloise had given him a hug that resulted in a face plant in his crotch, he had exclaimed watch out you might take your eye out. This was described as a Twin Peaks Award. Cunning Linguist wanted to include POD in this award, as he had overheard her say that she was going so fast she didn’t know she was coming. While much chuckling at Lewinsky’s grin was making the rounds, POD decreed that CL should have an award for going to the podiatrist for the sheer pleasure.

Opening up for nominations, Alex had been at Home Café and seen POD and Lewinsky, when Lewinsky had introduced himself. After how many hashes? Strap On then nominated the Ozzies for listening to his prophetic words last week to get rid of Abbot – Jill, Daz and Twin Peaks.
Poumuli then related an incident that had befallen Twin Peaks at On the Rocks, involving his lost wallet and phone, the fruitless search and questioning of waitresses, the offer of a reward, and the miraculous finding of said treasures. Lewinsky for Hiring the Stupidest Women on Earth Award, Crime for the No Crime Committed Award, and Twin Peaks for Sheer Spite Award.

There was no Mad Monk of the Apia Hash present, but POD did the honours. Beckoning Aaron to assume the position, she related how he had complained of his tendency to start out too fast and self-injure. Henceforth he shall be known as Too Hard Too Soon.

Godfather was saluted for his birthday, and a Slow Learner Award went to Twin Peaks for yet another cellphonus. The Hare and Hosts, Claudia and Too Hard Too Soon were saluted before we feasted on Italian treats, er, pizza and couscous.

Next week’s run will be at Wet Pussy’s.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, September 18, 2015

Hash Run 1795

Greetings Hashers
Monday's run will be hosted by Claudia in Vaoala, specifically newly-named Atoa Avenue off Bank Street. Co-host will be Aaron. Run starts at 17.30, so bring your 20 tala Hash Cash. The hosts will cater. No theme has been set, so come dressed as your favourite pasta or Bunga Bunga character! I have placed an old map from one of Zsa Zsa's runs from the same venue below.
Note - the host recommends that you park on the road so as not to get blocked in.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1794

And welcome to this edition of Runners and Running World, brought to you on WFKU, in this prestigious time slot of 4 AM just after the world famous Norwegian hit show Burning Log Fire, featuring a burning log in a fireplace. We were invited this week to join the Apia Hash House Harriers on their weekly run, and we had a chuckle at their slogan – drinkers with a running problem. Assuming that they were referring to Gatorade we merrily tagged along. Apparently the group had not been able to decide on a route aforehand, thus we were to experience what they called a live hare. I should explain that this group is most friendly, and in order to welcome visitors they all presented themselves by their running names, as Sahmowern names are just not pronounceable. However, even some of these nicknames I am sure I misunderstood. The live hare was a gentleman called Cockblocker, not so named for his possession of a large chicken, who set us off out through the parking lot to the back streets of the charming Mulivai Cathedral. Musing at its lofty spires, the charm of the streets was soon overtaken by the trash liberally strewn. As we neared our first halt near a Chinese eatery a strange earthy cooking smell could be sensed, and upon my enquiry was informed that it was likely sweet and sour cat from that gay place. Thoroughly confused by the odd Samhmowern humour, on we went through a back yard, a loading dock and some more trash. Upon reaching the airport road a choice was given for a longer run up Palisi to the hospital or simply back. Running simply back was not quite so easy, as one of the runners named Godfather, because he looks like he was in at least one of those movies, had to genuflect to the Sahmowern Prime Minister who nearly ran him over. Pleased to have completed the run, we went looking for the Gatorade, only to be told that there were only two items on offer: some hairy wet large brown objects that we were told were Godfather’s nuts, or beer. Having seen Godfather run, we opted for the beer. Next week we will be joining another running group in New Zealand made up we are told entirely by sheepshaggers – I am sure this is another example of that quaint antipodal humour. Stay tuned to this channel as the next program features the telephone numbers of local sex chat lines.

Ah so no one had bothered to host or set the run. All good, and POD as GM called the circle hastily to order during one of the band breaks. It was more of a huddle really. The retreads were Murray, Witch Doctor and Imelda da Welda. Murray explained that he had been visiting the missus in Vancouver to check whether he had lost her love to Bob the Robot Vacuum, only to discover that Bob insisted on running over his feet.

ProBoner was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed, but she had also not come forward as a retread. Poumuli joined for false accusation that Strap On was wearing new strap ons. Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (in the paper again!) and Sunny Side Up for the coverage of the Perimeter Relay donation to FLO of 15,000 tala!

This Day in History Awards went to Mr Whippy (1814 – In a turning point in the War of 1812, the British fail to capture Baltimore. During the battle, Francis Scott Key composes his poem "Defence of Fort McHenry", which is later set to music and becomes the United States' national anthem. What a godawful song that is!), Twin Peaks (1848 – Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage survives a 3-foot 7-inch (1.1 m) iron rod being driven through his head; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions), Strap On (Programmers Day), Titty Galore (International Chocolate Day) and Daz (Feast Day of St Nicholas).

Latecummer award went to Daz for his friend Kate from the UK. The GM had been looking for dirt and had overheard Slim Shady in full conversational flow declaring that she would make sure she wore underwear on that night – a Colourful Exposure Award.

Then there was a complaint received from Titty G who had been ditched at home on Saturday night so Godfather could go and watch the Ms Samoa – Hashmanlike Behaviour Award was gratefully accepted. Crime was given a Leaning Award. A further complaint had been received from CB that Kristiane had arrived late at office one day and also wearing a man’s shirt. After some deliberation both of them got a down down – doubled for CB as he had his hat on.

There followed some debate about what was happening with the internets in Samoa, and whether Bluesky was deliberately cockblocking CB. Consensus ruled that Strap On should have a www Award. Poumuli tried to join this bandwagon with a Internet Dummy Award to Sassygirl BJ for replying to a POD email with the wrong moniker, but this was deemed to FBIish and a Just Unfunny Award was given.

Like Bush said, seldom is the question asked, is our children learning, and similarly – what the f was Lewinsky trying to prove standing on a bar chair. Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady had been invited to a birthday at 7 PM, only to find the guest of honour showing up at 9 PM, tired. While she intended for ProBoner to get the Stop Dragging Me To Your Shit Award, instead Slim Shady got the Dummy Award for thinking that Horny Ho would be on time for anything.

Strap On nominated all the Ozzies for the Abbot and Dutton Non-Comedy Show – Daz, Kristiane, Jill, POD, Julie and Slim Shady. Rather precipitous, noting what happened later in Canberra. This was thus a Curse of the Strap On Award.

Poumuli had been visiting SOTB and Alcatraz in Oz, and they had taken him to a pub where they served a label called My Wife’s Bitter. Trying to implicate Sassy in this one was fraught with difficulties as the evil bastard SOTB had sent Lewinsky a text purporting that Poumuli had been a complete bludger and not paid for any drinks.

Gayboy was a latecummer, arriving with his selection of tasty feline and assorted anthropodic delights, and received an Only Here for the Money Award.

Claudia wanted to give any Yanks the Tennis Award, as an Italian had won the US Open for the first time. No need to explain how that one ended. Not knowing when to stop, Murray wanted to give an award for the first Korean Kiwi to win a Golf title, thus adding Disgruntled Korean Woman to his list of nationalities.

CB then did a Hash Appreciation Award to Sassy and Godfather for the check handover to FLO.
Next week’s run will be hosted by Claudia and Aaron on Atoa Avenue off Bank Street, at Zsa Zsa’s old place.

The Hare and Hosts, CB, POD and Lewinsky were saluted in the usual manner, and a reminder was given to put on our collective thinking caps for Hash Run 1800, coming up at the end of October.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Fa'afetai tele lava to our Running Sponsors

We wish to extend a big fa'afetai tele to our 4 Running Sponsors who answered the call at the outset for some help to ready our running teams. It is through their generosity that the runners and support crews could just focus on getting around that grueling course.

The following thank yous have gone out to our sponsors with a public acknowledgement to go out shortly to all our wonderful and generous family, friends and supporters who donated so kindly to this worthy cause!!

Faafetai tele lava.

AHHH Mismanagment & Hashers

Monday, September 14, 2015

Hash Run 1794

Afternoon all
With no host volunteering tonight's run will be held at On The Rocks on Beach Road. Run starts at 17.30, bring 20 tala Hash Cash and 10 tala for some food if you want.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

AHHH Run for Life Results in $16,000 pledge of support for FLO

Our feisty meres and hashmen put up three teams to circumnavigate Upolu island as part of the grueling annual event - The Samoa Perimeter Relay.

This morning the "Run for Life" culminated in a massive collection and chq for Fa'ataua le Ola / Samoa Lifeline of SAT16,000.00

     "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." William Arthur Ward 

A big Faamalo and thank you to all our runners, support crews, and Hash Family for rallying behind this deserving cause.

If this can save a life, then it has not been in vain.

Our Running Teams for 2015

Team 1 – Night Hawks – running strips by Bluesky Samoa
1.       Tuatagaloa Joe Annandale
2.       Filifilia Iosefa
3.       James Atherton
4.       Jaap Jaspers
5.       Gene Barker

Support Team: Rachel Dempsey, Fogavai, Nicolas

Team 2 – “Fia Ola”, running strips by Bluesky Samoa
1.       Darryl Baker
2.       Sam Saili
3.       Aaron Stone
4.       Erica Reeve
5.       Alexandra Langley
6.       Katy Woollery

Support Team: 

Team 3 -“Samoan Sheilas” running strips by Sa’Moana Resort
1.       Ariane Stevenson
2.       Ally Drake (NZ)
3.       Nicola Mills
4.       Schannel van Dijken
5.       Courtney Stevenson
6.       Darryl Drake(NZ

Support Team:  Nynette Sass & Nessa Heschmat

ON ON!!!


Monday, September 07, 2015

Hash Trash 1792

Superstition is a funny thing, and this day started out with me taking Happy to the vets. I watched like a Roman augur as her guts were opened and the ovaries laid out. Predicting omens is not my forte but it moved me to think about how that was done in the olden days. There are of course several candidates for being chosen as the supplier of guts to be opened for the superstitious to satisfy their curiosity. But enough of that. The Hash was hosted by Elle McJr and Da Head, who superstitiously neither of whom had arranged for food, softies or a Hare. We showed up at Palusami thinking that this was going to be a good one, but alas we had to settle for Cockblocker as a Live Hare. According to POD rule 24 would be in effect, thus giving CB the incentive to run very slow, knowing his penchant for the Full Monty. There were no, er takers however. We set out right around Vaiala  Beach, up to the UN offices, into town and back along the Beach Road. We had a high turnout so there was a dearth of coconuts unfortunately.

POD as GM called the circle to order and the newbies introduced themselves, well only Jill, a volunteer from Melbourne here for a year, brought by Daz and Alex. The retreads were numerous – Mr Whippy (drunk), Eveready (organising), Blowfish (in NZ), FBI (babysitting), Hornithologist (?), Potu (Oz), Strangler (doctors orders to avoid), Transporter (making babies – with whom?), Faumuina and Aaron.

Gayboy was a latecummer and a retread, who claimed he was trying to make a baby too, but sorry wrong hole.

This Day In History Awards went to Nicolas (410 – The sacking of Rome by the Visigoths ends after three days), Poumuli (1314 – King Håkon V Magnusson moves the capital of Norway from Bergen to Oslo), Twin Peaks and Jill (1835 – Melbourne is founded), Tallyho (1883 – Eruption of Krakatoa: Four enormous explosions destroy the island of Krakatoa and cause years of climate change), Sunny Side Up (1901 – Silliman University is founded in the Philippines. The first American private school in the country), FBI (1957 – U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond begins a filibuster to prevent the Senate from voting on Civil Rights Act of 1957; he stopped speaking 24 hours and 18 minutes later, the longest filibuster ever conducted by a single Senator), Wahoo (2013 – The new eastern span of the San Francisco–Oakland Bay Bridge opened to traffic, being the widest bridge in the world) and Lewinsky (Feast Day of St Monica of Hippo).

Celebrity Awards went to AC/DC, Swinger, Sassygirl BJ, Faumuina and Slim Shady – they all had photos in the paper, with Swinger also taking one of the photos. Poumuli suggested that the award be renamed the Slim Shady Award, given her proclivity for appearing in all and sundry editions of the paper.

Turning to the GM Awards, Swinger was first asked to name some key incidents from his team on the Perimeter Relay. First of was the Irrational Exubarerance Award to Cunning Linguist, who after reaching the top of the mountain had jumped up with joy and fallen flat on his face. Then there was the Bad Supporter Award to Crime, who had gotten paralytic on tequila and Drambuie – who in their right mind drinks that combination?

Next up was Daz, who gave the Dumbass Driver Award to Kristiane for missing 4 out of 5 checkpoints. Speedhumper thought she was being discrete when she went in the bush for a pee, but instead she got a Public Urination Award for doing her business in front of a flabbergasted family. Alex got the Sacrilege Award for not spotting a speed bump and spilling all the beer in the back, while Strapon got the Lazy Award for walking during the first leg.

POD for her team nominated Nessa for loosing Lewinsky (would have thought that would have made her happy), and drove over Blowfish and CB. CB got the Irate Bastard Award for getting totally insane when a kind soul sprayed him with a water gun, yet he threw a banana peel at POD. Finally Rufie, who hadn’t trained, and needed to take a pain killer to go for his recovery massage, living up to his chemically induced name.

After all that a Heartfelt Thanks Award went to Swinger for his efforts at getting the teams organised. At this stage we had collected 10k tala for FLO.

The night after the relay, Prince had been dispatched by his wife to get some loud bastards to shut up, but when he realised it was the Hash he earned the Cant Beat Them Join Them Award. Godfather had of course left the party early with Titty Galore, who fell asleep in the ride home. Godfather promptly left her to sleep in the car and earned a Hashmanlike Behaviour Award.

On the Sunday, Godfather had held a bbq at his house, and the GM had been told that ardent environmentalist Poumuli had burned plastic on the grill. This was a blatant lie, but as Lewinsky backed it up there was no choice.

Cunning Linguist was joined in the Titillation Award by IRA who had gotten all excited when she had to write his name down in the Hash Cash. Slim Shady had been talking avocadoes with Eveready, whose current crop was small and hard, but would, he claimed, get bigger when it rained. Said with a leering wink, this was too much for Slim Shady who nominated him for the Dirty Man Award. CB opined that perhaps this was a case of Dirty Mind, and Eveready vigorously defended that he had only complimented her on the photos in the paper. When this brought the response that “my tits look too huge” the circle voted for the Dirty Mind Award for Slim Shady.

Sassy nominated Strangler for doing the whole island on his bike, and Sunny Side Up for most Vociferous Supporter Award. Strangler passed a Very Demotivational Award to Godfather for announcing he was throwing a morning party for the night crew when Strangler had another 100 km left to ride. FBI took it for Godfather.

Poumuli nominated Lewinsky. When asked is there a cause, well no, but Lewinsky lied, they both took the down down. Sassy nominated Rufie who pissed on her when she was trying to ice her down. Slim Shady told all that some people paid good money in Thailand to be pissed on, but in the end Sassy joined Rufie for putting ice where its not supposed to go. Lewinsky joined for having pissed on Sassy for no obvious reason.

Tallyho called for the Hash Shrine to be placed in the centre and after finding Soft Landing, got a down down for losing his bauble and for putting a blue ribbon spoon on the Shrine that he actually found last week.

Swinger gave a Hash Loyalty Award to FBI for pulling out of running for the Hash Team a week before, then through the enormous persuasive powers of Swinger was brought back to the team, so of course both of them took the award.

Speedhumper nominated Daz for using up all the talcum powder on his balls on the run, while Daz nominated Claudia as the only user of the team 1st aid kit – she cut her finger on a coconut!
Eveready expressed his appreciation on behalf of the US Vets Association, and was glad that he could count on the Hash for volunteers and support. Thus the GM drank. Godfather also thanked the Hash for the tremendous efforts and was really proud, and after a soliloquy to rival Shakespeare noted that maybe Hash should take over the effort in coming years. Er, what, we organise something???

The Hare and the Hosts, Da Head, Elle McJr and CB were saluted. Then we fed on a scrumptious meal prepared at Palusami.

Nicolas and Nessa will host at Swinger’s house next week.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Run 1793 at Swingers - hosted by Nic and Nessa

Hi all

As mentioned last week, Nic and Nessa will be hosting this evening's trot from Swinger's place  at Siusega.

Bring your gorgeous selves and your $20 and be on time..

We hear the darn monk is in the country again for the Commonwealth Youth Games so may be spotted at the hash this evening!!