Friday, September 18, 2015

Hash Trash 1794

And welcome to this edition of Runners and Running World, brought to you on WFKU, in this prestigious time slot of 4 AM just after the world famous Norwegian hit show Burning Log Fire, featuring a burning log in a fireplace. We were invited this week to join the Apia Hash House Harriers on their weekly run, and we had a chuckle at their slogan – drinkers with a running problem. Assuming that they were referring to Gatorade we merrily tagged along. Apparently the group had not been able to decide on a route aforehand, thus we were to experience what they called a live hare. I should explain that this group is most friendly, and in order to welcome visitors they all presented themselves by their running names, as Sahmowern names are just not pronounceable. However, even some of these nicknames I am sure I misunderstood. The live hare was a gentleman called Cockblocker, not so named for his possession of a large chicken, who set us off out through the parking lot to the back streets of the charming Mulivai Cathedral. Musing at its lofty spires, the charm of the streets was soon overtaken by the trash liberally strewn. As we neared our first halt near a Chinese eatery a strange earthy cooking smell could be sensed, and upon my enquiry was informed that it was likely sweet and sour cat from that gay place. Thoroughly confused by the odd Samhmowern humour, on we went through a back yard, a loading dock and some more trash. Upon reaching the airport road a choice was given for a longer run up Palisi to the hospital or simply back. Running simply back was not quite so easy, as one of the runners named Godfather, because he looks like he was in at least one of those movies, had to genuflect to the Sahmowern Prime Minister who nearly ran him over. Pleased to have completed the run, we went looking for the Gatorade, only to be told that there were only two items on offer: some hairy wet large brown objects that we were told were Godfather’s nuts, or beer. Having seen Godfather run, we opted for the beer. Next week we will be joining another running group in New Zealand made up we are told entirely by sheepshaggers – I am sure this is another example of that quaint antipodal humour. Stay tuned to this channel as the next program features the telephone numbers of local sex chat lines.

Ah so no one had bothered to host or set the run. All good, and POD as GM called the circle hastily to order during one of the band breaks. It was more of a huddle really. The retreads were Murray, Witch Doctor and Imelda da Welda. Murray explained that he had been visiting the missus in Vancouver to check whether he had lost her love to Bob the Robot Vacuum, only to discover that Bob insisted on running over his feet.

ProBoner was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed, but she had also not come forward as a retread. Poumuli joined for false accusation that Strap On was wearing new strap ons. Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (in the paper again!) and Sunny Side Up for the coverage of the Perimeter Relay donation to FLO of 15,000 tala!

This Day in History Awards went to Mr Whippy (1814 – In a turning point in the War of 1812, the British fail to capture Baltimore. During the battle, Francis Scott Key composes his poem "Defence of Fort McHenry", which is later set to music and becomes the United States' national anthem. What a godawful song that is!), Twin Peaks (1848 – Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage survives a 3-foot 7-inch (1.1 m) iron rod being driven through his head; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions), Strap On (Programmers Day), Titty Galore (International Chocolate Day) and Daz (Feast Day of St Nicholas).

Latecummer award went to Daz for his friend Kate from the UK. The GM had been looking for dirt and had overheard Slim Shady in full conversational flow declaring that she would make sure she wore underwear on that night – a Colourful Exposure Award.

Then there was a complaint received from Titty G who had been ditched at home on Saturday night so Godfather could go and watch the Ms Samoa – Hashmanlike Behaviour Award was gratefully accepted. Crime was given a Leaning Award. A further complaint had been received from CB that Kristiane had arrived late at office one day and also wearing a man’s shirt. After some deliberation both of them got a down down – doubled for CB as he had his hat on.

There followed some debate about what was happening with the internets in Samoa, and whether Bluesky was deliberately cockblocking CB. Consensus ruled that Strap On should have a www Award. Poumuli tried to join this bandwagon with a Internet Dummy Award to Sassygirl BJ for replying to a POD email with the wrong moniker, but this was deemed to FBIish and a Just Unfunny Award was given.

Like Bush said, seldom is the question asked, is our children learning, and similarly – what the f was Lewinsky trying to prove standing on a bar chair. Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady had been invited to a birthday at 7 PM, only to find the guest of honour showing up at 9 PM, tired. While she intended for ProBoner to get the Stop Dragging Me To Your Shit Award, instead Slim Shady got the Dummy Award for thinking that Horny Ho would be on time for anything.

Strap On nominated all the Ozzies for the Abbot and Dutton Non-Comedy Show – Daz, Kristiane, Jill, POD, Julie and Slim Shady. Rather precipitous, noting what happened later in Canberra. This was thus a Curse of the Strap On Award.

Poumuli had been visiting SOTB and Alcatraz in Oz, and they had taken him to a pub where they served a label called My Wife’s Bitter. Trying to implicate Sassy in this one was fraught with difficulties as the evil bastard SOTB had sent Lewinsky a text purporting that Poumuli had been a complete bludger and not paid for any drinks.

Gayboy was a latecummer, arriving with his selection of tasty feline and assorted anthropodic delights, and received an Only Here for the Money Award.

Claudia wanted to give any Yanks the Tennis Award, as an Italian had won the US Open for the first time. No need to explain how that one ended. Not knowing when to stop, Murray wanted to give an award for the first Korean Kiwi to win a Golf title, thus adding Disgruntled Korean Woman to his list of nationalities.

CB then did a Hash Appreciation Award to Sassy and Godfather for the check handover to FLO.
Next week’s run will be hosted by Claudia and Aaron on Atoa Avenue off Bank Street, at Zsa Zsa’s old place.

The Hare and Hosts, CB, POD and Lewinsky were saluted in the usual manner, and a reminder was given to put on our collective thinking caps for Hash Run 1800, coming up at the end of October.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

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