Saturday, December 31, 2011

Hash Run 1603 - 2nd Jan 2012 - ACP Compound - Vaitele

Afternoon All,

Apologies for not having a run last week. Hope you have all recovered from the change of days/dates and you didn't miss out on too much when we skipped Friday.

This weeks run will be a BYO Run at ACP (Apia Concrete Products) in Vaitele. Run will start at 1730Hrs and we have managed to get a Keg for Monday. We will be at the back next to the big Shed so please park around the back.

Dont forget your $15 hash cash and see you all then.

On On

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Samoa loses a day and switches sides of the Dateline

After switching sides of the road to drive on in 2008, Samoa is making waves again in the global media as we countdown to losing a day come midnite tonite, 29th December. It has been approved that Samoa will switch from the eastern side of the dateline to the western side thereby effectively making Samoa the first country to see the sunrise each day. We kinda liked being the last country to see each day, and don't see the need to rush into another one!!! O yeah, we are taking our brothers and sisters on Tokelau Is., with us on this journey given that their main administrative headquarter is located in the city of Apia.

Trade-wise, it makes a lot of sense given our biggest trading partners are Australia and New Zealand, well if and when they sporadically allow exports citing phytosanitary restrictions etc., Let's not forget Asia as well and more specifically big brother China. China exports are flooding the local markets with their cheap goods. Samoa's accession to WTO means more imports which will greatly increase the trade deficit whilst we continue to be studied, surveyed and reviewed to kingdom come, as to how to increase agriculture production for the export market. The manufacturing sector will continue to have its woes where others get on with building their businesses and others continue to talk grandiose ideas of what can be done and how to do it, if only someone will give us the money to make it happen!!!!

Another plus to the change is the removal of confusion in the tourism industry!!! As one who has been in this industry, i can't recall the number of times, people messed up their bookings because they didn't realise they were arriving yesterday after they left Aussie or NZ today!!! How the heck does that happen??

Our country is so generous that all the employees will also be paid for a day that doesnt exist and they did not work!!! Whilst all employees don't have any qualm with this arrangement, the poor private sector is again hit with another non productive cost that they did not budget for.

There has been a lot of expressions of disappointment and others have reached new heights of "pissedoffedness" that they will miss out their birthdays and anniversaries.

It is but a day, but it still means something to everyone! So happy Birthday/anniversary to those that will miss theirs for 2011 and let us hope that 2012 will be a bit kinder to our country and our people!!

And a thought to end the year, let's shift side of the equator!! Some may ask, why the hell would we want to do that for?? Well it really is simple..."because we can do it!!!"

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Hash Trash 1602

The Hash was hosted at Swinger’s house in Siusega by Swinger and BB. The run we were forewarned was a long one, and so it came to pass. Two long false trails were needed before we began to ascertain the deviousness of the Hare in using flour to set the trail. We ran up the hill towards the Orator, then through some back roads and familiar bush until we finally emerged on Aleisa road. At this point we came down to the sports facilities, and the unshaded road was blisteringly brutally hot. Were you born on the sun, was a question oft asked of Swinger, who to his credit was tagging along. So through the facilities we went, past the golf clubhouse, and that is where the Short Cutting Basterds started peeling off. For your Scribe the camel got broken by the final straw of seeing Tallyho in the distance move to the botanical gardens. Dehydrated and steaming, and with the assent of SOTB, we simply turned in an up by the horse race track.

Well done Swinger, torturer in chief, you can get a job in Syria! Good preparations for the pending Christmas feasts.

SOTB was too tired and emotional to be GM, so by popular demand we asked our irrepressible yet highly combustible Pom Tallyho to step in. This can be a mistake sometimes! He berated the stolid crowd for their perseverance in doing the run, meaning those basterds who did the whole thing! There were none new to Hash, but the Rethreads were BB, Mana, Swinger’s dog and Cockblocker. Mana forgot her hat, so had to re-do.

Celebrity Awards went to FBI (in the paper), Vai Vai (mentioned in letter to Editor), and Pat (modelling). These were taken by closest living relatives, Sam, Sexpot and CB, the latter for his penchant for dressing up. Mana joined in for having been on TV as a former Miss Samoa.

This Day in History went to Offspring (armed wing of ANC founded in 1961), Horny Ho (its Feast Day of Our Lady of Expectation), SOTB (in recognition as the only non-human in Hash for Human Solidarity Day), Seismic (1642 Tasman lands in NZ) and Lewinsky (2007 - to get a Lewinsky is given an entry in the US Concise Dictionary of Slang).

A wedding anniversary had been held this week, and Sassy was saluted, although when she said she wanted a small one, the GM retorted tartly that he hoped that hadn’t been the situation on her wedding night!
Turning to his practice of asking for a run report, he asked (actually lectured) the two front running basterds where the run actually went. This caused great consternation from CB and Sexpot who had been berated about it for quite a while. After much ado, with DMT trying to implicate Swinger, the two FRBs took their award at the insistence of the GM. However, they deliberately spilled their beer on him, and for this sacrilegious act of GM abuse they were made to re-do. All behind the GM moved aside until they were done!

Tallyho recounted how Christmas was such a festive season but during the 1600 run we had tried to cheer up the most miserable bastards, etc. sitting outside that place of ill repute On the Rocks. Lewinsky tried to defend himself by bringing in SOTB on the issue of the miserable git status of his old man, but this got nowhere.
Opening up for nominations, DMT wanted to give SOTB the Fun Nazi Award for shushing them away during the Friday Bluesky Fireworks. Turned out that SOTB was only the Skipper, and it was the Fire Chief himself who had been yelling. Since that is Sam’s boss, he got the Adhering To Fire Safety Award, but was joined by SOTB.

Witch Doctor was chided for letting the small child Pirate play with her cigarette pack, and she shared the Child Endangerment Award with Seismic. A Terrible Parenting Award went to Captain Mortein, thanks to SOTB, for making same child slave away with the food and nearly getting run over in the driveway (by Sassy by the way!). Sassy saw that one coming and quickly nominated the Scribe for being too drunk and leaving his notes behind at the 1600th (she stole them!).

Sexpot recalled that we had had this wedding anniversary noted already, but wanted a Good Son Award to SOTB for his extreme filial affection in arranging that fireworks to coincide with the celebration of his parents nuptial bliss. Sassy nominated the two hashers who had refused to be named, Hideo and Yoko.

Offspring in her own timid way, asked the whole Hash to do a down-down for Springbok. Recognizing that the keg was sagging the GM and Godfather took that one, while we all cheered to Springbok and for her hasty return to hashing with us.
The GM, suitably revived and lubricated now, suddenly remembered that our theme had been red and green for Christmas, and called for the two matching couples Captain and Pirate, Swinger and BB. DMT had been running with Offspring, and she had asked what the On On shouts were all about. She thus also wanted to nominate Godfather for not explaining the rules properly. Poumuli helpfully disagreed, that Godfather should not be held culpable, as Offspring has the attention span of a small rodent. For some inexplicable reason this caused an outcry, resulting in a down down for all three.

Sexpot had been having some trouble getting advertising space in the paper, since Bluesky had dominated all the pages recently. While this was deemed too close to commercial business, which is outside of Hash, the GM relented when Horny Ho told the heart rendering story of her visitors being blocked by a Bluesky car. As the sole representative of that telephonic outfit, SOTB reluctantly stepped forth.
Poumuli nominated BB for only going to the Suva Hash twice in all the time she has been there. In her defence she called the Suva Hash a bunch of old farts, which was an ill-advised tone to take with Tallyho, stalwart that he is of the Suva Hash! Compounding it was the fact that when several Apia Hashers went to Suva, we could only meet up with BB in a bar!

Swinger informed the Hash of the sad news of a fellow hasher being seriously injured on Friday. Ben is in the hospital with a badly broken leg, but is recovering. But the one Hasher who heard first and went to check up on him didn’t tell anyone. Incommunicado Award for Captain Mortein.

CB had been listening to former President Clinton at a Summit in Abu Dhabi – nice speech, but he demurred on a question because “he didn’t have his aide with him”. Missing in Action Award to Lewinsky.

The GM picked up on the jet setting earth saving work of CB, and asked Poumuli to join him in a Carbon Footprint Award. Sexpot then spotted Swinger’s cleaning our rivers t-shirt, which all agreed was misadvertisement. This was followed by a Dumbass Award to Sam for parking outside the Hash Gate and calling to ask for directions. Witch Doctor tried to get a rebuttal in regarding the ciggie butts, since Swinger had refused to put out any ashtrays, and SOTB spotted the GM leaning. The GM therefore hastily closed off proceedings and we saluted the hosts and the hare.

We have no idea where we will run next week, although a suggestion was made that we could have it before the Horse Races. Stay tuned to the Blog

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1600

The Hash was hosted out at the Snake Pit, and we had a jolly good turnout. Tallyho was dressed up as Santa (Bad/Skinny/Mean – take your pick!) and proceeded to climb up on the Fire Truck with assorted kids and parents too lazy to run. We set off first to Amanaki, where we sang for what appeared to be the entire Japanese contingent in Samoa. On we went to Cappuccino Vineyard where the pack serenaded all and sundry in the streets, and we were joined by Pirate Princess skipping off from work. On on we went to On The Rocks, where the guests were not too happy for the interruption. We stopped off at Aggie Greys, where Godfather led the Hash in a moment of silence and a prayer for good health and continued blessings for the Grey family in this time of distress for them. It was then down to Paddles and the Marina, followed by a stop at Y-Not. Since most of the Hashers had not heeded the call to take it easy on the down-downs, the run back was a sorry affair, with many struggling to keep up with the rabbit feet of Vai Vai, Crime and Mike who were leading going back in a very athletic display.

SOTB our GM had made it back from Pago just in time, and while somewhat frazzled called the hash circle to order. This was not going to be easy with sheer numbers that we had present, including screaming kids high off all the lollies that Tallyho had scattered about. First off SOTB thanked all the sponsors – Aqua Samoa, Westpac, Pure Blonde, Sinalei, Vailima, Y-Not for their generous support, especially for the cool new Hash shirts. He also thanked the Fire Department for bringing the truck.
The GM then called forth those new to Hash – there was Pati, Sam, a friend of Steve’s, a friend of Tiger Woody – too many, will need to look at the Hash Cash sheet to clear this up! The same thing with the Rethreads – I counted in Do Me Twice, Ali, Soprano, Seismic, Tooth Fairy, Swinger, but lost track after Auntie Bev. Could not hear what the excuses were – choice between light to write by, or screaming kids!

New Shoes were found on Karaoke, who under protest drank them clean with much aplomb.
This Day in History we had Michael being crowned Eastern Roman Emperor in 1041, and in 2006 Monica got her MA in psychology. There was also the 1941 declaration of war by Hungary on the US – that worked out real well for them! Closest living relative to Zsa Zsa was deemed to be Captain Mortein, surprise. But Lewinsky had his own retaliatory list of historic dates, and dobbed in Pirate Princess (for the Captain), Tallyho, Tiger Woody, Ninja, Poumuli, and I can’t recall who got the Oldsmobile going off the market to be non-discriminatory against old people – check the photos from Slippery!

Celebrity Awards went to Vai Vai (letter to the Editor) and Ring Ring (on TV). Some firemen who arrived late were given a taste of hash. The GM then sought to honour one of the Hash Teams that had participated in the Perimeter Relay, and those present were joined by closest living relatives to receive Das Boot! Cocktails on the Rocks team – Mike, Captain Mortein, Josh, Alan, Swinger, DMT and Horny Ho. It was a struggle to complete the task but they did it.

Turning to the GM’s Awards, he had noticed that there was a star missing from the Southern Cross in the new Hash Logo, so the Prime Minister Award went to Slim Shady. A Showing Off Award went to Vai Vai and Crime for running so fast at the end. The GM had also been watching TV in Pago, and had seen a dance crew from On The Rocks that were frankly poofters, and thus awarded Lewinsky the Gay Sponsor of the Year Award. Poumuli felt strongly that the GM should join in for watching a gay TV channel while overseas, but this was sadly reversed, and he was joined by loud chattering nabobs Rottweiler, Kiwi and Soprano.

On the run back the GM had noticed that Santa had joined in the running, and Tallyho defended this by saying he was bothered by all the chariot riding and the lack of suitably aged Hash Meres to sit on his lap. In another GM award, a Hasher had left the keg tap open – dumbass award to Mike. The GM then called on the Band of Angels team to try their luck at Das Boot, which they did in 45 seconds, much speedier than that other lot. Crime apparently had been doing his bit for internationalism – that is partying with the Christchurch Hash Meres, so they all got a special Hash gift thanks to Ring Ring, who joined them in the down-down. But before that the Christchurchers in turn had a gift for Crime, even though two of them had dropped out, and for some reason the girls got the glass prick.

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Tallyho for the Bad Santa Award for encouraging dysentery by dropping the lollies in puddles. Tallyho defended this practice vigorously, that he was only trying to toughen up their immune systems. After a vote, Tallyho succumbed.

Slim Shady nominated the GM for dedication to duty for coming back on time for the Hash, and for some reason Witch Doctor joined in. Princess of Darkness nominated Snake for hosting this 25th Anniversary of Hash in Samoa, and got the GM to join in for not mentioning this earlier. POD had also been updating the run lists, and had found that Captain Mortein had come to the most runs in 2011.

Tallyho nominated Seismic for not chiming in on the carol singing. Then for the Annual Awards, we had Celebrity of the Week of the Year Award was then given to Godfather, Sassy and Poumuli (need to check up on that one next year!). Front Running Hash Meres of the Year went to Ring Ring, Moa, Beck and Nicole. Front Running Hasher of the Year went to Cockblocker (through DMT), Captain Mortein, Vai Vai, with the add-ons of Lewinsky and SOTB for their Perimeter Relay performance. Most Down-Downs for the Year Award went to Captain Mortein, while Hashers with most Unexcused Absence Award went to Poumuli, Slippery and Titty Galore. The Best Run of the Year Award went to Snake. Hussy of the Year Award went to Horny Ho, and Prick of the Year went to CB, and this was taken by Sam.

At that point the Apia Hash Mad Monk appeared, and called forward Beck, who henceforth shall be known as Desperate Housewife. Mike was also made to kneel, and he shall henceforth be known as Sexpot.

Unfortunately Hideo and Yoko declined the honour of being named, probably something lost in translation.

Mismanagement was called forth and saluted, followed by the Hosts.
All in all this was a great celebration for Apia Hash – 25 years and 1600 runs. While having that amount of additional people and that many kegs was a recipe for disaster, we managed to pull it off and get through. Hopefully we haven’t offended too many people, but hey that’s Hash.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1599B

The Hash was hosted out at Tafatafa Beach. Your Scribe had arrived at 6 AM that morning so was a bit worse for wear. Consequently the notes do not make any sense. The run apparently was quite a tough one according to Godfather and Tallyho, so big thanks to Crime. Your Scribe was asleep in the fale for all of that.
Tallyho stepped in as GM for the afternoon, and called forth those new to Hash – none. Then there were the rethreads, namely Poumuli. New shoes were found on Moa and one of the Christchurch visitors.

No celebrity awards were recorded, but on this day in history we had International Mountain Day, which went to Captain Mortein (Denmark is devoid of mountains), and in 1995 Monica was transferred out of the White House.

There then followed an incomprehensible gibberish in my notes, but Sassy nominated Vai Vai for something, as well as the Christchurch girls. Poumuli and Lewinsky were dobbed in twice, which kind of explains the unreadable pages. Tallyho was also rather upset with the lack of an appropriate run report, and the final entry says that Crime #$%$.

Sorry, should have asked for a replacement Scribe, but that is what you get for coming straight to Hash from the airport!
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, December 16, 2011

Hash Run 1602

Talofa All...
Yes, the next run will technically be the 1602nd run!

The run is being hosted by Swinger and BB in Siusega at Swinger's pad. The hosts have requested that this be a BYO BBQ, so please bring something to share. The theme for the run will be to wear something green or red.

There will be a keg on Monday too as well as softies and Godfathers "sweet nuts"...

Run starts 1730HRS and please bring your hash cash ($15 SAT)

See the map for directions
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Hash Trash 1599

Dear all
a belated post from Spanky for the the run 1599.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hosted by Mike and Becks at Yacht Club
Live hare – Godfather
GM was Tallyho, which is always an adventure!
New to Apia Hash was the Christchurch Hashers: Worker Shirker, Labrat, MILF and Flapper, Spanky’s friend Alice visiting for 2 weeks and Greeny’s friend Ella visiting for 1 night!
Retreads FBI and River were welcomed back.
Shoe Inspector found 2 new boots! Happy Feet and Ella – Lewinsky took Happy Feet’s out of his own shoes and Ella was a trooper and dranks hers out of her new shoes!
Celebrities included Mike for publishing helpful information on saving money – so you can buy more beer! And of course Sassy, who is in contention for most times mentioned in Samoan Observer. Ever.
GM Tallyho proceeded with This Day in History by assuming something must have happened in Denmark and with Monica. Also, it’s actually International Volunteer Day so Spanky represented the amazingly hard working volunteers in Samoa and Captain Mortein and Lewinsky represented Denmark and Monica, respectively.
No GM awards opened the floor right up to Sassy Girl, who welcomed the well dressed, matching CHCH Christchurch Hasher ladies! They all wore pink shirts that said they like to “shake it all night long” and matching skirts. Looking forward to 1600 because we’ve been told they have a new outfit for 1600 as well! They came all the way from Garden City to be here for the week of the 1600 and enjoy a short Samoa vacation as well. When they went for the downdown, they started singing B-I-M-B-O and the circle joined enthusiastically to welcome Labrat, WorkerShirker, MILF and Flapper!
Fast hands award to GM for spilling some beersky. Sassy nominated Mike for dropping a sausage on the ground but then putting it back on the grill. Right of Reply – 3 second rule. GM agrees and Sassy drinks. Remind me not to eat at GM nor Mike’s house any time soon!
FBI nominated Dev who has been around for a few years and came to Hash on his last night to say goodbye! He took his downdown right before heading to the airport. You will be missed, Devster!!
Mike noticed history repeating itself when more articles have been published about huge fish being caught – but none of our hash fisherpeople caught them! Shame. Hooker Lua and Lewinsky take the blame.
GM is in LOVE with the necklace mugs that Ringring made. He says they are great! Everyone should have one! They are great! Everyone should have 2! They are great! Tallyho and Ringring get a downdown to demonstrate and Ringring pours hers into Tallyho’s necklace mug putting it to good use!
They are nice cocout drinking vessels, by the way. 1600 comemorative coconut drinking vessels – it’s what all the cool kids are drinking from these days!
Tiger Woody arrived! Downdown. Snake adds that it should be a double because he thought the 1600 run was today. Silly Tiger.
Hooker Lua has it on good authority that Godfather forgot his girlfriend’s birthday, took her to someone else’s birthday party, gave her takeaway and said it was her present. Poor form! Godfather had no response.
Downdowns for the enthusiastic first time hosts Becks and Mike!
Malo lava and see you at the 1600 next week!

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Hash Run 1599A - Tafatafa Beach - Sunday 11th Dec 2011

Good Evening All,

Sunday's hash run will be at Tafatafa Beach on the South Coast. The Run will start at 11am followed by a traditional Umu for lunch around 12:30pm. We have 4 Fales booked for Monday so don't worry about booking yourself a fale unless you plan to go early and spend the weekend there.

We will collect hash cash of $10 per person on the day and we will have some drinks down there at the beach on the day (Beers, Coconuts, Softies) but feel free to bring some more of your own if you plan on getting completely plastered.

It is advisable to car pool and then head down so as to limit the number of "drunk" hashers driving back to town after the run. For those who are driving down, there will be a $10-$15 charge for your vehicles.

If you have any more questions about the day, please call Lewinsky on 7528604, POD on 7528605 or Sassy on 7574250

On On

Monday, December 05, 2011

Hash Run 1599 - Mike and Becks- Apia Yacht Club, Mulinu'u

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be hosted by Mike and Becks from the Apia Yacht Club. There is no theme for today, but bring a change of clothes if you are keen for a swim after the run...I am sure you will want to jump into the ocean after tonight's run.

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food for tonight and we will also have our Keg, Softies and sweet nuts.

Run starts at 1730Hrs...
See you all there

On On

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hash Trash 1598

Sabuwona from Durban, where your Scribe is hanging out. Hash Trash from Spanky below, which still needs more spell-checking.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hosts: Top Shelf, Thong Hunter, Bungabunga with special thanks to the Y Not crew for providing the great venue
Theme: 16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women – The UN Women are in the middle of a 16 days of events to increase awareness and end violence against women. All the Hash runners were provided with t-shirts from UN.

What a great hash – there were two runs! The hosts set a run on paper but GM forgot and asked Dumass to set one on flour too! Flour was longer so the walkers took the paper and it was enjoyed by all.
The new runners this week were Bronwyn, Lucas, Pauline and Tim and Claire, who accidentally came because paddling was cancelled. Welcome!
Retreads were Bungabunga (too busy having bungabunga parties and getting kicked out of power), CB and DMT (they were both “working”), Bubsy (“studying” in NZ), and Lily and Rachel (been on Savaii).

New Boots: Eveready had new shoes! As he went to drink, Zsa Zsa said what were all thinking – “those are huge!”
Celebrity Awards: Marta was on TV, Niner is on the back page of the new Samoa Tourist Guidebook, Sassy was in the Observer – Again! – maybe will be renamed Sassy Observer. And finally for the best article ever – Double H was featured in an article called “Simply Creamy Goodness.”

GM Awards: TLC award to snake who took time off work to make the BBQ look like new. Piggy Back award to Mike who came back on the run to carry his wife across the water, “she’s always on my back!” Best P Party costume awards were for Porn Star CB and Pirate Chili. Dumass and Bubsy who took their dog on the run. Birthday downdown for Crash who is 31! Final GM award is for a bank man who travels a lot and came back to a bank function where his wife got crabs! (She was sitting at the party and a crab walked up between her legs!)

Lily the librarian found a nice kids book called pirate princess! It’s pages were stuck together but… our own Pirate Princess took her downdown.
Sassy Girl – who was dearly missed last week when there were so few nominations – was back in full force! First award was miscommunication award for the hosts – Lily and Rachel were the hosts and hares, but Dumass also set a run! Rachel dobbed in Spanky as the hareraiser. Spanky reminded GM that she told him the run was taken care of but GM was not in a good mood. Double for Spanky!

Tally Ho nominated the frontrunning bastards for not stopping at the Xs, but then it turns out Tally Ho was one of them! Backfired.
Sassy nominated Godfather for bringing friends but not preparing them – they had to run in sandals! Dumass added that CB also came without shoes! CB said it’s not his fault because his girl was supposed to pack them and forgot. I have yet to hear of anything ever that IS CB’s fault, but apparently DMY agreed to take the blame yet again on this one.

Random guy in black shirt was also dobbed in because we don’t know who he is but he didn’t come up for newbies and didn’t come for retreads. Who are you?
Tally Ho was upset that Vaivai made his nomination backfire, so he came up with another nomination. Something about frontrunning or something but hard to tell with the way Tally Ho talks.

Mr Whippy is on his way out again for an extended break away from Samoa after coming for only two weeks. He hosted a great Thanksgiving Hash last week and took his time with his downdown to give a farewell speech. He commented on how special Apia Hash is and that there is nowhere else like it in the world that he has seen. He remembered his first times at Apia Hash, when some of the older members took their time to welcome him and introduce him to the way it works, if anyone is interested you can read more about how Apia Hash works on the blog. Not one to let something nice be the last note, SOTB made Mr Whippy’s award a double for FBI.

Then the Monk Came! She heard about two girls who had been causing lots of trouble on Savaii for the last two years. She called up Lily and Rachel to assume the position. For Lily the librarian, who is very short but like to reach up high and read Samoan boys, will forever now be known as TOP SHELF. For Rachel, the Monk hears she goes running around her village wearing shortshorts and sometimes a thong – she says she runs for exercise but we hear she’s just running to check out prospective prey. She will forever now be known as THONG HUNTER. Downdown for the monk for making the trip!

Discrimination Award for the owner of a bar that offers happy hour specials on all drinks except Margaritas! How rude!
Maybe from Mr Whippy’s comments about introducing new members to Hash, Tally Ho recommends we do the hash anthem and a rousing version of it followed!

The Cake came out for Crash’s birthday – a delicious chocolate rum cake with a hula dancer. It was rectangular and CB was disappointed it wasn’t in the shape of goodies. Karaoke says Crash is a goodygoody so he doesn’t need a goody cake.
This week American Samoa not only scored their first soccer goal ever in a FIFA match, but they even won their first match ever against Toga! They were ranked dead last in the FIFA rankings but the coach hopes they will move up to be ranked in the top hundred. Wacko from AmSam took the downdown to represent. Wacko later shared with me that AmSam lost their game against the Cook Islands because one of their players scored a goal for the opposing team… good thing we didn’t know this at the time or it would have been a double!

Party foul - Niner scraped her knee on Friday night and continued to mope in the corner all night and refused to enjoy girls night! Boo. Titty G almost accidentally nominated herself for a blonde award but it ended up with Bubsy for taking the car keys but not the car.

Lastly, GM got nominated by Sassy Girl for withholding Greeny’s t-shirt money. Then GM got nominated by Sula via Sassy Girl for promising to sponsor her dance group but then not following through!
Big thank you to hosts and hares – all of them!

Announcements –
1600 Run Schedule:
Saturday Dec 10 – Nafanua Regatta. Hash will enter some teams in the social paddling race
Sunday Dec 11 – Beach run at Tafatafa
Monday Dec 12 – Christmas 1600 Run at SnakePit

On On

Monday, November 28, 2011

Hash Run 1598 - Y-Not Bar - Violence against women Run

Morning All,

Today's run will be at Y-not Bar in Matautu. The hosts (Bunga x2 and Spanky) are providing some meats for the BBQ, but if you could all bring something else along; salad, some other meat, etc for the bbq, that would be much appreciated.

All hasher's running today will get free t-shirts also, so please be on time if you want a shirt. Run will start at 1730HRS and there will be a keg there as well as softies and sweet nuts.

Please remember to bring your hash cash ($15) and your t-shirt money as today is the last day to collect the money for shirts. No map today, you should all know where this is.

Directions: Head down beach road to the Marina/Wharf, and look out for Y-not Bar and Paddles Restaurant. You cant miss it!

On On

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hash Run 1597- Thanksgiving Run @ Mr Whippy's - Lotopa

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be a BYO/Pot Luck run at Mr Whippy's in Lotopa to celebrate Thanksgiving. Please bring a dish or something to throw on the BBQ. This applies to "all" hasher's coming tonight. Lets all contribute to make this a fun evening. No food, no eat :)

There is no theme for tonight. There will be a Keg there as usual and softies.

Map is below for those who don't know where Mr Whippy lives. If you have not yet paid for your hash shirts, please bring your money with you tonight as we want to get them to the printer's this week (shirt is $25) and don't forget your hash cash ($15)

The Map is posted below but note that we will be in the first house, not the 2nd as stated on the map.

On On

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hash Trash 1596

Welcome to this episode of Living Planet where we will be visiting a long lost tribe of misfortunate runners wearing illusions of grandeur. The Apia Hash has been running for 30 years in a strange ritual of following bits of paper strewn by a carefully selected member of the tribe, known as the lepus samoaensis, or hare. The paper, made from carefully selected and processed cellulose, is shredded to a certain quality before being strewn. Oh, I am being told that there has been a processing fault in the tribe’s workshop so that for this run they will be using the bare woodchips. It’s a rare honour for us to witness this more primitive form of the ritual. And they are off, lets try and keep up with them, watch out for that branch, ouch. Oh dear, it seems like we have found a so-called false trail, and we are being showed aside by the massed tribe. A particularly massive individual greeted me just then with the famous one finger salute of the tribe. Now we are running through what appears to be someone’s garden, and you will notice the tribe daintily sidestepping the plants, except that one there that slipped. It’s a fascinating display, combined mystery with their guttural chant of “on gong” by the sounds of it. The trail appears to be culminating in a climax now and the speed appears to be picking up, evidently the scent of their reward – the golden nectar of Vailima – is so powerful that these lowly creatures have honed their senses to the maximum. And there we are – the tribe slowly reunites around the prized keg and await being called into a circle for the devotions.

Ah well. The GM, SOTB called the circle to order and asked if there were anyone new to Hash. There was Scott here on holiday who had just met a random guy in the pub and been brought to Hash by Rohan. Then there was Lewinsky’s cousin Alex from NZ, so the GM ordered a round for them both. The rethreads were Dizzy, Curly, Ramo, Buzzed, Hooker Lua and Olsen. Pitiful excuses so they all had to drink.

Celebrity Awards went to 9’er (famous father in the paper – taken by Kat), FBI (Rock the Boat ad – taken by Crash Bandicoot), Swinger (longwinded letter to the editor – taken by Snake) and Mike (full page ad with photo-shopped picture). For this day in history we celebrated the feast day of St Malo (token Samoan Eveready), the feast day of St Margaret (by spouse Snake), 1938 LSD was first produced in Switzerland (Ben), 2000 Bill Clinton is first US president to visit Vietnam after war but without Lewinsky (Lewinsky), and in honour of World Kindness Day the GM took the award for being the least kind in the hash.

Turning to his long list of dubious awards, the GM had been informed by the bouncers at Ynot that two ladies, one a hasher, had been departing the club late one evening, still dressed to the nines, and had been accosted by calls for “hey baby wanna have a good time” from from young men across the street. While the hash mere was seriously considering the offers on hand, however, her friend shooed them away with a tirade of Samoan swearing. A Cradlesnatching Blocked Award to Hooker Lua.
At the start of the run one new hash mere had shown up without shoes and had borrowed some from the host. These were clearly brand spanking new, so Alex and Ring Ring had to drink from them, with Ring Ring doing a double for forgetting her hat was on. Then there was the utterly spurious allegation that Poumuli had been strip searched by the customs officials for bringing in the 217 t-shirts. This is untrue, as they were told that your Scribe is a heavy sweater and these were all for personal use.

We had all read in the papers that two new police stations were being established around the country, and what for? Surely to stop Crime and Crash! Get In Gaol Awards for the two of them. Then there was the article about the really huge marlin, but which had none of the accomplished hash fishers involved. Hooker Lua and Lewinsky got the Bad Luck Award.

Godfather was sadly absent this week, and his scrumptious sweet nuts were sorely missed, but none so more than the absence of the ukulele. At least that partially drowns out the caterwauling of Strangler, but this week he was standing next to the equally sonically impaired Dizzy. The combined effect of their efforts drove Mini-Ninja to dash for the street and scared the wits out of the already muted hound chained at the back. Roll Over Beethoven Awards to the lot.

Opening up for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick off the mark and nominated Crash for impinging on her maestro duties by starting the song too early. Poumuli nominated Mike for not being able to read biblical jargon, but then again he is Australian so this one should have been commuted. And a latecummer award to Hot Rod.
Screamer nominated Poumuli for leaving the Hash for several weeks, but she got added in for being jealous at being left out of the delegation. Several hand gestures were exchanged. Poumuli then nominated Eveready for being surprised that the Scribe knew bible jargon, but this ended up on the GM instead.

Sassy had observed one hasher arriving with some guests and then being late had run off while leaving them to wander in the bush. Unhashmanlike Behaviour Award to Zsa Zsa, who also saw the re-introduction of the ice seat for being the last to pay hash cash and for taking his money out of what appeared to be his bum crack. His friends were introduced, Ivana from Czech Republic and Antonio from Spain, who helpfully reinserted some of the ice that had fallen from Zsa Zsa’s seat.

The GM had found his wits again, apparently they had been lying in the melting pool of Zsa Zsa’s crack, and nominated Lewinsky for non-compliance with the new liquor laws. Kat nominated Sassy as no one else had – fair enough. Rohan got caught leaning and this was doubled as Sassy put her hat on his head.

Then the GM really outshone himself in terms of his STASI-like network of spies. Apparently the offspring of one hasher had groped a certain hash mere, without the husband reacting. Come on, it was a three-year old child. Anyway, Poumuli got the Ignorant Spouse Award while Ben scored another Father of the Year Award.
Spanky had been fascinated by Ida’s toe socks and slippers, and called for an award. However, this was deemed to be culturally insensitive, so she had to join in, and her protests garnered her the Dome of Silence.

Ninja, in proud possession of the Angry Chicken Hat, was finally able to bestow this upon Zsa Zsa, at the request of a fellow Hungarian. Zsa Zsa then accused the GM for playing with a dildo app on his phone during a hash mini circle in Suva, but the vote saw both of them take it. Nicole got a leaner award, while Poumuli snuck in a last award for Ted for rigging up a sail boat and it setting off – without him!

The Hare and Hosts, Buzzer and Ring Ring were saluted for a marvellous tough run through the bushes, before we ascended on the bulging table.

Finally, a t-shirt fit for Sassy!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, November 14, 2011

Hash Run 1596 - Ring Ring @ Alafua

Morning All,
Tonights run will be a BYO Meats for the BBQ run at Ring Ring's place in Alafua. Ring Ring is providing all the salads/Breads, etc and hasher's are to bring something to throw on the BBQ.

There is no theme so come with your normal hash gear. Run will start at 1730HRS with a Keg and softies.

For your hash t-Shirts, you need to bring your $25 (per shirt) today including your hash cash....No money, No shirt... :) so please pay up today as we need to recover funds.

Map is below.

On On

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hash Trash 1595

Yea, verily much has been written in the annals of Hash History, yet seldom has the vagaries of the GM, high priest of the flock, been as convoluted as this week. As the Hashers gathered in groups of twos and threes, in the Pit that is called Snake’s, in the Vale of Saleufi, or Place of the Giant Dogs, confusion reigned as the dutiful found no respite from the silent GM. Though upon the entrance of the man called Swinger, son of the renowned healers of Siusega, the GM called forth that the run required a virgin hare to be sacrificed, and that the run would have a living hare leading the followers. Amongst the gathered there was much muttering, as the man called Swinger was deemed as far removed from virginhood as the Lake of Lanoto is from the Ridge of Tuasivi. Reflecting upon the implications of this sacrifice, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, as none would wish to see the hare in its natural and unwholesome state, that is de-bagged and bare-arsed. The hashers went on bended knee afore the GM, and in high voices lamented their fate, and begged, even unto the lives of all their loved ones, to be spared this ultimate agony. Having conspired as to how he might smite them later, the GM spake thus “go, run into the land of Apia, through the alleyways and the middens, and pursue thoust the hare, who is live, but thou shallt not remove from the hare the garments that are called under.” And they did as they were bidden, and the man Swinger girded up his loins and set forth through the Gates of Venom and Snakebite, and it came to pass as it had been foretold by the GM. For this was a long pursuit, through the alleys of Saleufi, into the shadow of Togafuafua, until the hare that is live found a midden strewn path through the dwellings of the Aai o Niue, that lies by the banks of the river that is called Vaisigano, or bringer-of-sewer-to-the-ocean. The hashers returned to that Pit that is called Snake’s, conspiring and eagerly seeking out the child of Sassy, so they might slay him, verily into a stupor, with the mighty cups that are called Down and Down.

OK, enough blasphemy from your Scribe. The GM – SOTB of the Sass, called the Hash Circle to order an asked who might be new to Apia Hash. There was Ted from Oz, who could not name one Hasher that had brought him, so he was given a large one and certainly drank it like an Oz. The rethreads were Skunk, Horny Ho, Nicole and Crash Bandicoot.

Celebrity Awards went to Mike (wife in paper), Godfather (taken by Swinger), 9’er (kangaroo attacks in Oz), Strangler (was in paper, Rohan was a look alike) and Ali (for the Ali bin Shagger Laundromat photo).

This day in history went to Kat (1999 Oz votes to keep Queen as Head of State – Need Nanny Award), Sassy and Crime (1918 Spanish Flu kills 20% of Samoa) and SOTB (for being in a historic dive record book). Latecummers Pro Bona, Dumass and Sula were given their just rewards.

Opening up for nominations, Ali congratulated someone called J for the care and concern shown during the hosting of the paddling regatta, so Ali was joined by SOTB, Anita, Horny Ho, 9’er, Mike and Crime as well as the lauded Dumass. Sassygirl BJ nominated Ben for the Good Father Award for running with Lucas on his shoulders (he’s done that before, so we may need to find a better term).

Kat fabricated a story about how a certain hasher had been so keen on a soccer game that he had turned up a day early, so Confused By Time Zones Award to Poumuli. Our Japanese couple Ida and Kyoko had been picking some nice flowers and made a bouquet, so Sassy nominated them for the Newlyweds But Lost in Translation Award.

The GM noted that yet again we were sans the normal hash mugs, to which Crash tried to pass the buck to Sassy. This did not work for obvious reasons, so Crash took the Down Down. Sassy was on a roll as usual and thanked Snake for his impromptu hosting, while Poumuli got a false accusation award for intimating that Snake had something to do with the low beer levels in the keg. Nevertheless, the GM found someone that actually works for Vailima to take a Punishment Award – Delicious handed this over to Crash.

Sassy had noticed that while Snake is an electrician, he needed someone to set off to get him Cash Power to enable the opening of the gates. Trying to silence his mother, the GM recalled how a hasher had complained of a backache, and been assured that this could be fixed by Ali, had gone upstairs at Ynot for a LONG time, and looking blank and bewildered upon his return. Dodgy Digging Award to Ali and Dumass.

Your Scribe was not on his best behaviour so he tried to assist the shutting up of Sassy with an award for hiding the money for the 1600th shirts. This backfired tremendously. Swinger added that Crime was not living up to his name, so he joined in. A Leaning Award went to Ben, who wasn’t even paying attention as he was playing on his phone with Lucas, so this became a large one. Since there was a poumuli coming out of the fence, Dumass tried to make this lean, but it didn’t work.
Poumuli tried to get a Density Award for Witch Doctor for not finding Nemo, but she countered with a Needing to be Dragged by Dive Instructor Award. A cellphonus interruptus award went to Nicole, while Poumuli accused Mike of negligence for not debagging Swinger when he had the chance. Ali thought that your Scribe had messed up, so joined the trio.

Finally, Sassy nominated Skunk for the Flagrant Enthusiasm Award for getting all excited about setting the run, then skiving off. The hosts and the hare, Snake, Skunk, Horny Ho (for getting the pizzas) and Swinger were saluted.

Check the blog for details of next week’s run, but it will be hosted by Ring Ring in Alafua, and will be a BYO meat for the BBQ.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, November 07, 2011

Hash Run 1595 - SNAKE PIT

Hash tonight will be at the Snake pit in town.

Its a "chip in for pizza's" run and there will also be a keg on tonight.

Run starts 1730Hrs...sorry for the late change in Venue.

On On

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Hash Trash 1594

The Hash was hosted at Screamer’s house in Siusega by Spanky, Hornithologist, Colm and Beccy. The hare was Hornithologist who had set the run on flour, which had us worried given the recent rains and the predilection of the local dogs to eat such flour. Oh well, we bravely set out right out the gate – no no no, she meant left – women! On to the Tafagata road for a while, right into the back of Aleisa, when eventually we found a totally confusing false trail along the fence of the Orator Hotel. We realised we could have pushed through, but someone found a new trail on the tracks behind the hotel, and then it was largely on home down past the HUGE church at the corner in Siusega and into the yard for the tumescent sweet nuts of Godfather. All in all a good run, exhausting false trails, unsafe hash marking – we need to be running AGAINST the traffic, and it didn’t rain.

SOTB was to sweaty to wear his Cartman Mask for the circle, so it was an undisguised GM who called things to order. The newbies to Hash were Beccy from Canada, brought by Hornithologist. The rethreads were Tramp, Einstein, Tooth Fairy, Karaoke, Eveready and Slippery. Explanations were too long and your Scribe was swatting at the on-off light to see his writing.

Celebrity Awards went to FBI (Observer photo, Captain Mortein was deemed closest living relative), Ninja (also in the paper, taken by Yuki), and POD (looking like a lady at the ball, so SOTB had to take it with no Lewinsky in sight). This Day in History Awards went to Sondra and Spanky (JFK announced idea of Peace Corps, 1960), Einstein (Prussia stole Schelswig-Holstein from Denmark, 1864) and Captain Mortein (Congress of Vienna made Denmark give Norway to Sweden, 1814). A special Day of Remembrance for Victims of Political Repression went to the GM for all the pain he puts the entire Hash through.

The GM had some special awards to hand out namely a Shortcutting Bastard Award to Swinger for pushing through along the Orator fence. Then there was the unlikely story of a Hasher being caught red-handed ogling a voluptuous girl on the way to Hash, so a Perved But Got Busted Award went to Godfather. Hashmanlike Behaviour I say!

Then there was the Hash Mere who had acted without really thinking, stomping a coconut shell to get it open wearing jandals. Well the coconut bit back. A Stupidity Award to Witch Doctor, and an accompanying one for Poumuli for showing her the trick in the first place. Eveready and Karaoke had been to Las Vegas, and had brought back a Vegas mug, sold by Spanky’s twin, and she was joined by Sassygirl BJ for not bringing the Hash Mugs.

Last week we had the fake quack award for Ali, and this time he came in scrubs, so the Thieving Hospital Property Award went to Ali. Then there was the Bad Parenting Award to Ben for teaching Lucas to swim by means of throwing him into the pool. Poor boy was traumatized and spent the rest of the evening playing under the tarp with the little girls. Oh, more Hashmanlike Behaviour!

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli had received one of those scam emails offering heaps of money, and the identity was given away as the man, one Abdul Wahid, signed that he was Eveready! Nigerian Email Scam Award to Eveready. Sassy nominated Captain Mortein for the Sweeping Untrue Statement Award, claiming that he cooks every day, and noting the fact that Snake had to fix the BBQ.

Sassy also nominated Wahoo and Pirate Princess for chatting up the pool guard – Flagrant Hussy Vixens Award! The GM did a contest for the best dressed hasher at the circle, and nominated 60 and 9’er, Tooth Fairy, Colm and Hornithologist. Tooth Fairy got this one by far for impersonating an insane dentist. Wait a minute…
Ali wanted to nominate Ida and Shideo for not meeting him to go up Mt Vaea, but he couldn’t remember their names, called them Inky and Binky, and the GM decreed that Ali join for probably scaring them out of their wits. Yeah, a fake doctor, what pleasant company for a tramp in the dark forest! Poumuli nominated Screamer for going in the pool rather than running.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted as the food was finally ready.

Check the blog for next week’s run. There will be a sign up sheet for Hash 1600 Run, available in small, medium, large and XL, in cotton or microfiber, colours white, blue, green or red, so come prepared. They will be approximately 25 tala each.

Finally a photo of what Captain Mortein could look like if he pisses off Pirate Princess ever.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween Hash @ Screamers in Siusega

Morning All,

Tonight's Halloween Hash Run is going to be up at Screamers House in Siusega. Spanky, Hornithologist and Colm are hosting along with Screamer. The hosts have offered to provide the spread for this evenings run.

Theme: As you can tell, its Halloween, so wear a costume! those without a Costume will end up in the pool...

There will also be a Keg as well as softies and sweet nuts from Godfather.

Run starts 1730Hrs so be on time and please bring your $15 hash cash. Parking is at the Front gate only so Carpool if you can (not sure which gate is the front one) you can find that out when you get there.

On On

Friday, October 28, 2011

Hash Trash 1593

The Hash was hosted by the Ninja Family out in Vaigaga. A heavy rain the last few days and dark clouds made it a cool and pleasant evening for a run. A rather oblique instruction to head right was the first of many false trails. Finding the right trail we set off into the industrial zone past Yazaki, but we were soon tramping down little used paths and through a variety of household gardens. While Ninja had used an excessive amount of paper, when there were check points we were (un)helpfully guided by a bunch of local kids. Basically a good run with mostly road but some bush, and on home we went for a taste of Godfather’s ever-sweet nuts.

SOTB had hung back for most of the run, and was thirsty but coherent, and called the circle to order, bringing out the newbies to Hash. These were Takrea (UNESCO), Samuel (claimed to be Dusatrois), Philip, Rowan (brought by someone called Nobu?), Nao and Kano who both got Ninja’s name right. Rowan landed Ninja with a down down though.

There were no new shoes found, so Shoe Inspector Snake got his just rewards. The rethreads were Ladyfinger, Dried Nuts, Screamer, Strangler, Snake and Ben. Celebrity Awards went to FBI (closest living relative was deemed to be Captain Mortein), Pirate Princess (headline Angry Woman Shoots Man), and Lewinsky for being in the biography of Steve Jobs. Ladyfinger had been listening to the radio at 3 AM and heard a whingeing environmentalist woman blather on and on, and this had to be Screamer.

This Day in History saw a multitude of Hungarian events , the 1593 start of the Long War (only lasted ten years), the 1956 Hungarian revolt (no argument that they are), and the 1989 declaration of the Hungarian Republic – all for Zsa Zsa. In 42 BC the Roman general Marc Antony defeated Brutus, causing him to commit suicide, which was all too reminiscent of our feelings towards the GM – SOTB. Lewinsky had helpfully dug up the gem that in 1917 Denmark sold the Virgin Islands to the US for a pittance – Captain Mortein.

Before the GM could get warmed up, Ali was called forward for leaving his car lights on and for leaning. Not losing his thread, the GM had heard disturbing news of a hasher having lost his pussy. While a renaming was not immediately condoned, a Pussyloser Award went to Pussysnatcher. The GM had also been impressed with a hasher sporting a new Samoan tattoo, or as they are also known, hideously disfiguring coral gashes, and our Hungarian surfer Zsa Zsa was joined in the award by Slim Shady who had been chattering about someone called April.

In further news, the GM had been informed that a hash mere had been walking by the road, been offered a ride by a fellow hasher, declined and continued past a rugby practice filed. Intrigued by the muscular gents, she had girded her loins and watched intently. So much so that she was invited to dinner by Lolo Lui. But she DECLINED! Cockblocker Award to Spanky.

We have all seen the increasing spammage activity on the Hash Blog, and through investigative data specialist Lewinsky, the GM had determined that it had to be Slim Shady. She defended herself vigorously by pointing out that Lewinsky can’t even operate a calculator, so by popular vote Lewinsky joined in the Hacker Award. The GM then gave Fang the Wearing Husbands Clothes Award, as she had on Snake’s shirt, but we didn’t ask what else.

After continuous (or is it continual) chattering from Slim Shady, the Dome of Silence was awarded. Picking up again after a mutinous refusal, the GM wondered if after the RWC defeat if there were any Frenchies in the circle, or barring that anyone who’s had any French in them – Screamer and our local Dusatrois were given the Défaite Glorieuse Award. Not to be outdone, two Kiwi volunteers were needed for the Not Choked Award, and this went to Lewinsky and Ladyfinger. In fact a special request for this had been called in by Brazilian Wax!

Opening up for nominations, Spanky offered the Grandfather Award for Crime, while POD nominated Wahoo and Poumuli for the Wedding Anniversary Award. Sondra was trying to say something, but spilled her beer and was joined by Godfather for being overdressed at Hash. Poumuli gave an Environmental Award to Ninja for setting the trail with as much paper as we normally go through in a year. It didn’t end for Ninja there, as his mate Takrea was leaning and Ninja obviously hadn’t told him all the rules.

Hornithologist nominated Spanky for personally getting through 3 beer towers in 3 nights. This is commendable, but no one saw fit to point this out for a backfire. Happily SOTB was forced to join in as a shareholder in all 3 establishments.
Lewinsky had been waiting patiently for Snake to install a new generator, but for some reason the technological terms had puzzled him and it was actually an inverter. Poumuli had to join in for pointing out that this was pedantry, or in plain English pure fuckery. (yes Strangler they are both real words)

Snake wanted to know why we were gulping from pretty tea mugs, and where were the Hash Mugs? Crash Bandicoot was absent, and while we thought Captain Mortein was his closest living relative this instead was bestowed on SOTB. Ninja brought forth the Angry Bird Hat, and asked one of the newcomers who had declined to join the circle as the hashers appeared to her as weird and scary – so a true Chicken Award to Kyoko. Slim Shady joined in for her repeated escapes from the Dome of Silence.
Pirate Princess announced that Jasmine had turned 5 yesterday, and that Captain Mortein had made the perfect cake, so a Boulanger Award was required. Screamer tried to get Pirate for teaching daughters about down downs, but she went into FBI-mode, and since the girls have been to Hash since inception, it was decided that this one should backfire. Hornithologist joined because she is leaving Samoa.

Ali had been driving over the hill when he spotted two hashers beating some people who had crashed into their garbage – Sondra and Ben got a Waste Management (Reservoir Dogs style) Award. But Ben pointed out that Ali had presented himself as a Doctor to alleviate the suffering, so a Non-Doogie Howser Award was required. Further on medical issues, Witch Doctor was called forth to explain her grievous coral cut wounds, but was cut short and was joined by Kat for the Coral Mining Award.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted as we were salivating over what was a sumptuous Japanese meal.

And finally, we should all ask the question: Did Philip fart?

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, October 24, 2011

Hash Run 1593 - Vaigaga with Ninja and Family (aka Team Japan)

Morning All, Today's run will be hosted by Ninja and Family at their home in Vaigaga. The hosts have kindly offered to provide the spread for this evening, so I am sure there will be some scrumptious special treats tonight!

Directions: Head down towards Vaitele, and just before you get to Lotto Samoa and the Chinese Supermarket on the right hand side (just after One Stop Rentals) take the turn off on the right and head down the road. The house is the 3rd house on the right hand side with a green roof.

There will be a keg and softies as usual. There is no theme for the day, so come in your regular hash gear. Run starts at 1730HRS so try be on time and don't forget to bring your hash cash!

On On

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hash Trash 1592

The Hash was hosted by Tasha and Jade at YNot Bar, and Dumass was the Hare. He announced that he had set the trail on flour, an entirely unnecessary statement given the state of his shorts, cap, hair and shades. He looked like a disgruntled baker basically. His vague instructions turned out to have been based on some evil deviousness, as he had introduced heaps of false trails to a familiar neighbourhood. The first was well hidden behind a parked car, and Hot Nuts and Poumuli were already well on their way down the correct trail, but obediently backtracked towards YNot where the trail – false – went into some shitty overgrown garbage dump. Back out onto the Vaiala Beach Road, the trail was scantily marked for the most, but with a flurry of marks elsewhere – very erratic. Anyway, out past the UN offices and down Vaiala Vini Road, with a false trail down to the Apia Park tennis courts, back down into someone’s yard and along the creek. Such an intense stench of garbage and pig-poo, but we re-joined the road and went on-home along Beach Road. So inventive use of this part of town by Dumass, except that daylight savings time is making our low altitude runs bloody hot. Maybe we should start at 6PM?

The circle was called to order by SOTB the GM, who called forth any newbies to Apia Hash, these were Kat and Colum. The rethreads were Poumuli, Do Me Twice, Mike the Banker, Hooker Lua, Hornithologist and Anita. Titty Galore had been spotted running in new shoes, and had hidden them from sight. However the alternative of drinking from the GM’s shoes had the magical effect of their retrieval. She was later joined by Anita who did hers with amazing alacrity.

Celebrity Awards went to Godfather, SOTB, Sassygirl BJ, Poumuli, POD (Lewinsky) and Wahoo for being in the Observer. This Day in History Awards went to Hot Nuts and Ninja for being UN types on World Food Day, Captain Mortein for the 1016 defeat by the Danes of the Saxons and battle of Ashington, and Dumass and Lewinsky our two publicans for the 1814 London Beer Flood, in which 323,000 gallons of beer were released killing 9, mostly resisting rescuing. They were joined by Crime and Kirsten for leaning, shortly followed by Colum.

On the run one hasher had been observed playing soccer with some kids, and nearly getting run over in the process, so the Rooney Roadkill Award went to Ali. The GM had been watching something called Rugby League on the weekend, and called for two token Kiwis and Kangaroos – Mike and DMT. DMT had been nattering along the whole time, so the GM awarded her the new Dome of Silence, which is actually more of a Skeletor mouth guard, but seems to work.

Lewinsky was called forth for an explanation as to why his establishment would be the last bar standing on Beach Road, but no credible explanation came other than a reference to a vague shadowy character called Jay, so the Mafia Award was doubled. The GM had a further award for a Kiwi hasher who plays with an Ozzie – Cockblocker for the Quade Cooper Lookalike Award. There was much mumbling from the Dome of Silence and repeated knocks to the head were required.

Then there was the Hash Mere whose face is on the Rock the Boat billboard – Huge Celebrity Award to Tasha. Another Hasher had managed to get two tickets to the RWC Finals, and had not offered one to the GM, so a Sensible Move Award went to Mike.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli stepped forward having received numerous reports of the GM’s growing despotism and that he was acting like a two-headed demon, so he produced for him a 2-Headed Satan Cup for his future down downs.

Sassygirl nominated Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein for fighting in public, but after some explanation this was amended to the Foreplay Award. Lewinsky nominated Horny Ho for advertising, as she was wearing a Playboy Bunny hat, and with no reply forthcoming she got the Are You Ready For A Good Time Big Boy Award. Kat got one for false accusation – something about the GM and phones.

Poumuli recalled how the Perimeter Relay prize t-shirts were white, but that Lewinsky’s was pink. Seeing what he was wearing the explanation was obvious, as POD denied washing them together – Washing While Home Alone Award to Lewinsky. At this point Titty G was spotted trying to re-arrange Godfather’s garments but instead made it look like an exposition, so she was given the Wait Til You Get Home Award.
Dumass complained that at the last Hash the food had run out, yet he had seen Lewinsky tucking away at a whole meaty leg. Apparently this was a set-up by the GM, so both of them got it. Pirate Princess nominated Deirdry for breaking a glass. Horny Ho picked up her indignant tone to accuse Godfather of indecent exposure at Matareva for wearing his tight yellow budgie smugglers. This backfired as Horny Ho had obviously gotten excited about it. Godfather was then awarded an Angry Bird hat to go with his budgie smugglers.

The Apia Hash Mad Monk then made an appearance, and called forth Kirsten, who has voodoo magic tricks and sorcery skills of a medicinal nature. She shall henceforth be known as Witch Doctor.

Calling forth Tasha and Jade, the Mad Monk noted that there had been a lot of diving recently in Samoa, lots of it. Henceforth Tasha shall be known as 60 and Jade as 9’er.

CB then nominated our Japanese friends for pumping money into SPREP. Poumuli tried to get the GM for not being sufficiently skilled at SPAM blocking on the blog, but this backfired. Titty G nominated the cooks for doing a good job – indeed! And then Slim Shady turned up late.

Mike had a distressing story to tell of a young lady, left pregnant and barefoot while her husband took off to New Zealand. Yes, the Husband of the Year Award to Lewinsky, who was muttering incoherently by now.
Slim Shady nominated Ninja for losing the Chicken Hat. No he said, it was in his bedroom. While we all agreed that he should have a down-down, that particular chicken hat can be his forever now. Sassygirl was leaning and DMT was mumbling so we gave her a beer.

The Hare and the Hosts, 60, 9’er, Dumass and Tasi were saluted, and a fine feast of BBQ and assorted salads was consumed.
Next week will be with Team Japan out in Vaigaga somewhere, check the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, October 17, 2011

Hash Run 1592 - Ynot Bar - Rugby World Cup Run

Please note that I had to go in and edit the GM's post for spelling!
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Morning All,
Sorry for the late post. Today's run will be at the Y-Not Bar at Matautu. Tasha and Jade are kindly hosting the run tonight. The Theme for the run is Rugby World Cup Final so don your All Blacks or French Rugby gear for tonight's run. Or any other World Cup related gear.

Run starts at 1730Hrs and there will be a keg and food there....See you all then!

On On

Friday, October 07, 2011

White Sunday Hash Run - Matareva Beach

Next weeks run will be a BYO Run at Matareva Beach on the south coast...We aren't 100% sure if the beach is open, but we will head there for the run and if it is, then we will have it there, if not, then we will move to Tafatafa beach (backup)

Run starts at 2pm, so try and be there around lunch time to 1pm to give you sufficient time to head to Tafatafa if we have to. There will be beers there (no keg but crates) but if you want to party hard, then bring your extra beers/drinks. We will have the hash BBQ there so bring something to throw on the BBQ unless you have something else pre-prepared that you wish to bring.

Also, if anyone wants to set the run, please let me know as we're looking for a hare.

Map is below for directions

On On

If there are changes or you are lost, call SOTB on 7500767

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Hash Trash Run 1590

When HASH is hosted at Y Not Bar in Matautu, there are some pros and cons. The Pros are that it is a great venue and always a great feed but the cons are that your scribe ran into some friends visiting from Australia and got distracted for the first few rounds of downdowns!

Starting from this day in history – On October 3 a long long time ago, a Danish slave ship sank, killing everyone onboard. The resident Dane Captain Mortein took his first of many downdowns for the night due to his Danish ancestry and poor captaining skills.

GM Awards started with stories from the weekend. One Hashman was sleeping after attending a hash birthday party and heard dogs barking outside his house. Assuming they were howling at the moon, he thought nothing of it. In reality there was a new moon and the dogs were barking at the ninjas who broke in to his house! Downdowns for Ben for sleeping and Ninja for passing his ninja skills to the locals!

Latecomers Broboner, Pirate Princess and newbie Deidre took their turn in the middle and GM awards continued. Hotnutz caught his first marlin-80kgs! Dev was in the bar but didn’t come us as a retread! Titty G told the GM she bought new shoes and was going to try to run in them but then didn’t even walk AND didn’t bring the shoes! Not sure what happened but GM took off his shoes and I think Titty G begged forgiveness and promised to bring her own next week.

Before the run when Ninja Mom was rocking Ninja Baby in the pram as Sassy Girl was looking on adoringly, Captain remarked to SOTB that Sassy probably wants grandchildren. The truth though, is that POD heard Captain say he’d help her make them! We’re not sure Captain understands that just because he’s old, doesn’t mean his babies count as grandchildren, but we’ll give him a downdown and leave it at that.

Birthdays: Dumass, SOTB, Snake, Tasha, and Shafter 

Goodbye to ACDC who left later that night on his American Dance tour ( Hello to Deidre who was a latecomer so didn’t get to introduce herself the first time – she works at CV and was brought by people named Desh and Court? Downdowns for them whole lot of em!

On to awards from the floor: Sassy Girl dobbed in Ali for leaning and Godfather for not explaining the rules, but Godfather nominated Swinger as his whipping boy. Hotnutz nominated shortcutters Hideo and wife whose only excuse was, “we followed Sassy!”

Chili’s bag got stolen at ACDC’s semiengagement party last week so the two of them were nominated. Yours truly took her turn in the middle because I invited my friend on a walk today but didn’t exactly tell him we were walking to hash… oops! Ever since Captain said he wanted to make grandbabies with Sassy, Pirate Princess was latched on to her Captain. This did not escape Sassy’s attention. Wonder if it was Captain or Sassy who wanted those babies more?

With so few nominations from the floor, I nominated Wahoo for singing her little but off! Our side of the circle, which had more than 10 people, was barely singing except for Wahoo. This was painfully obvious when she was the one getting a downdown!

In honor of the epic game where Tonga kicked some Frog butt, everyone wearing Tonga Red represented them (Ben and Hot Nutz). More in sports, the Sea Eagles beat the Warriors in the Rugby League Championship and anyone with Australian blood stepped up to represent. That was Jade even though she claimed she’s from Melbourne, where people don’t watch that stuff.

Roadkill award to Kirsten for almost getting run over 4 times on the run. Shortcutter award from Sassy, the self proclaimed Queen of Shortcuts, who came back to find Wahoo and her friend already sitting down!

Loser award to GM who made the Nafanua team loose in their Regatta because he refused to paddle in the finals! Dumass followed that up with another award for GM – Dumass claimed GM offered to set the run but by 4:45 he still hadn’t set it. Dumass dragged his sad, flu ridden body out of bed and called him to see what was what. Right of reply, GM DID set the run! It was on flour with 4 false trails and a great run according to the front running bastards. Downdown awarded to Dumass for ungratefulness!

Finally, host and hare: ACDC had left already to catch his plane, but Tasi, Dumass and SOTB took their downdowns with grace. Dinner was a great spread prepared mostly by Tasi, including crab- seafood – curry -palusami! Delish!
Next week is White Sunday, so Monday is a Public Holiday. Run will be at 2 at a beach/swimming pool. Still looking for hosts so anyone who is interested please contact Spanky at 7262122!



Friday, September 30, 2011

Hash Run 1590 - Ynot Bar

Morning All,
Next weeks run is going to be down at Y-Not Bar in Matautu. Dumass AC/DC and the Nafanua Club will be hosting the run on Monday. Run will start at 1730 Hrs as normal and there will also be a keg there on the day.

There is no theme at the moment, but check back on Monday in case we update the blog...See you all then!

Other things happening this week:

Friday (5:30pm onwards) Tiafau Fale, Millenia, AC/DC's semi engagement Party
Saturday (1pm onwards) - Nafanua Paddling Regatta (Ynot Bar, Matautu)
Saturday (7:30pm onwards) - Zha Zha and Slim Shaddy's Birthday party at Zha Zha's place (Vaoala) Theme: G or M

On On

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Hash Trash 1589

Buenos Dias from Panama, and thanks to Spanky for the Hash Trash
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slt

Even with daylight savings giving us some extra sunlight, it was still chilly up in Afiamalu where Ben and Sondra hosted their first HASH last night. As it was their first time hosting, there was some confusion and nobody set a run. Pussy snatcher stepped up to lead the few hashers who managed to find the house on the top of the mountain.

New to Apia HASH were Trevor from Houston brought by Pussy Snatcher and Joey from Hawaii who is ACDC’s fiancé! ACDC joined them in their welcome down down because apparently in the few weeks he has known Joey he forgot to tell her to call him ACDC. Also, his belt buckle said ACDC.

Retreads were Yuki who has been scubadiving, Ninja and wife who went to Tokelau and ACDC who was busy looking after Ninja in Tokelau. And getting engaged!
With no Poumuli to bring evidence, Celebrity awards were considerably less reliable than usual. Godfather’s sister was seen on TV at Eden Park so closest living relative was deemed Captain Mortein. World Peace Day was Last Wednesday and there were beautiful pictures of Snatch’s mom (CLR Pussy Snatcher) and Slim Shady.
SOTB is such a technologically advanced GM that he has been storing his awards on his phone and reading them off, which is great unless Lewinsky calls the GM in the middle of the circle! First GM award of the night was telephones Interuptus for SOTB. This was not the last telephones interuptus from cheeky Lewinsky who was home sick but still managed to give out downdowns to those who forgot to turn off their phones in the circle.

Continuing with GM awards, someone claimed to see Spanky eating at Pinatis with a group of boys on Saturday night and not sharing her food! I took the downdown but for the record I did share!!! In the theme of superhero masks, ZsaZsa spent hours working on his Troy-inspired broom on cardboard helmet instead of doing important work at UN! DMT said this was a false accusation because she had seen GM wearing that helmet at a previous costume party, but GM didn’t care and sent them both to the middle. Earlier in the night Chilindrina kicked GM’s beer over on his feet and then refilled it with a cup of foam – how rude! Final GM award was for the closest living relative to Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu, who recently made comments about how unfair world cup scheduling was. Unfortunately for Pirate Princess, she is somehow related. Some in the circle thought this was an unfair downdown and GM was acting a bit Hitler.

A couple of birthdays in the group – ZsaZsa who took his downdown after inviting us all to his fantasy themed birthday party he is cohosting with Slim Shady (Dress as your fantasy starting with an M or a G– I’m thinking of dressing as our GM!). Sadly, it is Kareoke’s birthday too but she is home sick! Everready was sad that they couldn’t go out to Kokobanana for her birthday…so he left her at home to be sick and came to Hash alone!

On to awards from the floor- some burning plastic smells from the BBQ got Ben, Captain and Snake in the middle, CB’s marine life inspired tattoo got him one, ZsaZsa asked Slim Shady to buy him lubricant while she was in NZ and this inspired a round of downdowns as well. ACDC, who has been in Tokelau for a while, nominated the GM for “look good and do good GM. Better now.” This comment on GM’s improvement was graciously accepted, but the rebuttal was that ACDC left Samoa speaking English and came back having lost it! Double downdown because ACDC was also leaning… on his fiancé. They were, like, totally making out.

On to what we were all interested to hear – how did Joey and ACDC meet? She went on an archeological did in Tokelau and it was like two magnets drawn together in the night. And also, there’s not a lot of guys in Tokelau. We are all humbly invited to their engagement bbq at Milenia on Friday. In ACDC’s words, theme is “no fancy.”
Many nice costumes and masks were on display, but there were some who came with no mask and raided the garden. Jungle Raider award from Sassy to Dumass, Crime, Pussy Snatcher and Slim Shady for all the leaves on their heads. A double to Dumass who had two leaves pointing up and looked like a playboy bunny, err, bush bunny.
At least the jungle raiders had costumes though! Team Japan made the effort to come all the way up the mountain and yet made no effort to make a costume! This did not go unnoticed by Sassy.

Hookalua held up a white ie in the circle and nominated the one who had lost their skirt. ZsaZsa looked down to his shorts then up with a red face. He claimed the dogs grabbed it… but we think it might have had something to do with the excess of lube from NZ.

GM noticed however that Hookalua had only given one award but had been talking the whole time! And, he brought her a mask which she refused to wear. Downdown for Hookalua!

Slim Shady, in her lubrication obsessed state, shared a disturbing comment Pussy Snatcher made earlier about how he doesn’t like manufactured lube but prefers it natural…by using snails. She of course also got voted in because somehow all of Slim’s nominations seem to backfire on her as well.
ACDC had one more nomination, but to be honest I have no idea what he said. Something about “making chef” and all the bbq boys took their downdown (Captian Mortein and Snake).

At this point in the circle there was much chatter and neither GM nor Sassy appreciated the lack of respect for the circle! No Respect for Authority Double downdowns for DMT, Slim and Sondra. Sondra has gotten this a few weeks in a row but she hasn’t even been named yet so she better watch out or when she gets her name she’s not going to like it!

Last award was for Crime who stayed behind the front running bastards and did the whole run with Sassy, even encouraging her to complete the whole thing. Malo Crime!
Thanks to Hosts Ben and Sondra for putting on a great spread! Pussy Snatcher says it was the best oka he has ever tasted!

To recap, here is the schedule of upcoming events:
Friday – ACDC and Joey’s engagement party at Milenia. Theme is No Fancy.
Saturday day – Nafanua hosts a social paddling regatta. Anyone interested in rowing contact CB. Starts at noon.

Saturday night – Slim Shady and ZsaZsa’s birthday party at Zsazsa’s place. Theme is dress as your fantasy starting with an M or a G.
Monday Oct 3– Hash at Y Not Bar in Matautu – hosted by Dumass and ACDA. Also a farewell for ACDC (another one!) as he leaves Monday night for the Water Is Rising tour, dancing for climate change. ( THEME of run – WATER IS RISING.
Monday Oct 10 – Holiday run for White Sunday – still looking for hosts! Anyone interested can contact Spanky at 7262122 thanks!

On On

Friday, September 23, 2011

Hash Trash 1588

Kia Ora from Aotearoa. This is a bit rushed but hoping you all will have a good time next week. Look out for us in the Samoa Fiji game!

The Hash was hosted by Zsa Zaa, Chilindrina and Slim Shady up on Bank Street. It was a fine cool evening which was good as many runners were suffering since the Relay. The trail was a familiar one from Zsa Zsa, except he did it in reverse this time. It was really hard getting down the trail into the valley, and when there it was the usual straight back up the cow pastures and on home. Not too long but made us sweat.

SOTB was willing to be GM, probably as he had a bunch of revenge to mete out. He called forth the newbies and these were Yuko and Hide from Japan, Neil from Fiji guest of Horny Ho, and our famous singer Ben Vai and Rosabelle who claimed to be the hired help. The rethreads were Snake, Dumass and we warmly welcomed Mustang Sally. Celebrity Awards went to Zsa Zsa, Poumuli and Hot Nuts (SPREP meeting photo in Observer), Sassygirl BJ (full page story on leadership in Observer), Lewinsky (free advertising in Observer), Swinger (Mom’s letter to the Editor) and Lezzie (returning photo from SPG, which Captain Mortein took as closest living relative).

This Day in History Awards went to Zsa Zsa – Hungary admitted to League of Nations in 1922; POD for St Ariane of Phrygia Day which SOTB took; US Constitution Day to Spanky; International Talk Like A Pirate Day to Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein; and this was the day Monica Lewinsky started her psychology degree at Lewis and Clark College.

The GM started his awards, naming Swinger for excessive running today. He presented a Commitment Award to Mustang for coming to Hash straight from the airport instead of seeing her family. Apparently Dumass had blown away a bunch of kids during a school beach day run. Karaoke got the No Faith Award for thinking the teams wouldn’t finish the relay, while a Scandalous Rumour Award went to Hot Nuts and Cockblocker for being left alone in the house with Pauline playing doctors and nurses following her dramatic sprained ankle incident.

Poumuli then nominated Lewinsky for wanting a white stain on the blue running shirts, but was forced to join in for leaning towards an FBI award. Sassy nominated Ben for doing a good job keeping Sondra quiet this time – didn’t last. Captain Mortein noted that on October 5 a ruthless dictator in Italy was hung by his ankles and wondered if there was another ruthless dictator present whose birthday fell on the same day – SOTB accepted the Mussolini Honourable Mention Award.

CB wanted to recognize a hasher for all the help provided in support of the relay, and nominated Slippery for a Hero Award. Poumuli got this doubled with a Hiding Candle under the Bushel Award, as Francis’s photos were much better than Slippery’s and there were no boob-shots to edit out.

Hooker Lua nominated Neil and Crime for Knights in Shining Armour Award for rescuing her on the run. CB and Ben got an FRB Award for not calling On On, while Sassy nominated Slim Shady for the Poledancing Award for, well doing just that in the bushes on the run!

Poumuli nominated Sassy for the Good Parenting Award, because according to the blog she gave her offspring more than 4 down downs last hash. Damien stepped forward and nominated Ben for the Lost in Translation Award. He had asked whether the red hibiscus flowers were the flour we were supposed to follow. Lewinsky nominated Snake for the Services to Hash Award for sponsoring kegs to the after party, When it was pointed out that Godfather had sponsored the other one then Swinger was identified as closest living relative to his disdain.

We had some advertising awards that were lost to posterity before we thanked the hosts and hare, who had put on a great feast thanks to the Curry House plus hot dogs from Rosabelle and Ben. POD got in a Luckiest Hash Mere Award to Wahoo for her extensive travel schedule.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Next weeks run is going to be hosted by Ben and Sondra up at their home in Afiamalu (top of the Cross Island Road) They live 2 houses up from the infamous Taito Phillip Fields house on the top of the Cross Island Road.

Directions: Head up the Cross Is Rd and go past Kelsey Land and the Bahai Temple and look for the 2nd house after Taito's place. If you drive past the turn off to Lake Lanuto'o, then you have gone too far. Look out for the hash cars and paper on the Road...the house is opposite the Aggie Greys cattle farm

Hosts have offered to provide the spread and hash will also have a keg ready for Monday's run. There is a theme for the day...its MASKED SUPER HERO'S...prize for the most creative Masked Super Hero :)

Run starts at 1730HRS so be prompt and also bring your hash cash, and something warm to wear after the run as it will be quite cold up there.

Map is below for those that don't know where to go.
On On

Monday, September 19, 2011

Hash Trash 1587

Mismanagement had declared that since we had two Hash Teams running in the Samoa Perimeter Relay it would be counted as an official Hash Run. The teams – A Band of Angels and Cocktails on the Rocks – had been training hard, none more than SOTB and Lewinsky. Captain Mortein was convinced that they had lost over 50 kgs between them. Band of Angels consisted of SOTB, Lewinsky, Poumuli, Hot Nuts, Ben and Pauline, while Coctails had Captain Mortein, Pussysnatcher, Cockblocker, Zsa Zsa, young Mark and Mike. We had a wonderful support crew, amongst them Sassygirl BJ, Crash Bandicoot, POD, Wahoo, Damien, Swinger, Do Me Twice, Slim Shady, Pirate Princess and the two wonderful masseuses provided by Godfather. The Angels started its run at 5.15 AM and Cocktails at 5.50 AM. Can’t really say much about the actual run as it blurred into heat induced exhaustion after a while. The first two legs were alright but then the heat really began to make a difference. Cocktails passed the Angels at Le Mafa Pass and graciously encouraged the Angels, a big difference from the “we will take you down” taunting that Captain had engaged in when their team had first begun to catch up. Special mention should be made of the heroic efforts of SOTB and Lewinsky – especially the finish which SOTB actually sprinted. Damien was photographing the whole event and this should make for interesting viewing.

Most of us buggered off before the awards ceremony to shower and prepare for the Manu Samoa game, but apparently there was some confusion. Both teams won gift certificates for pizza, and of course there were the celebratory t-shirts. Angels had one error in that one, as we hadn’t notified that there was a size shift when Ben replaced POD on the team. No worries – the sponsor gave his up instead and gave the remaining small shirt to Wahoo.

POD was asked to be the GM as SOTB was too tired and emotional after the Manu Samoa loss. There were a few new to Hash, John and Toni from Oz brought by Strangler, and Bruce who couldn’t remember his own hash name (was in Divas or Dingo?) and took a down down. The rethreads were Spanky, Damien, Pauline, Sassy and Hornithologist. The GM then went through her awards for the run starting with Hot Nuts who had waited all this time for the opportunity to rub Pauline’s legs, or massaging as he called it. Before the start of the Hot Nuts had also strapped up SOTB’s knee, during which Poumuli enquired if he could also cover the mouth, to which Sassy replied that there wasn’t enough tape for that – Proud Mother Award for both of them. Then there was the incident with all and sundry searching for the paper marking the legs, and as it had been with Crash the whole time he got the Dumbass Award. Also, it had been noticed that while most of the runners had company on the massage truck, Lewinsky had managed to get himself a solo massage – Happy Ending Award.

Captain Mortein was dobbed in for his competitive taunting of the Band of Angels, while Zsa Zsa was given the Shit Goes Missing Award for leaving his sunglasses behind, and giving the instruction that they were next to the chicken. PS got the Unnecessary Exuberance Award for being way too chirpy and obviously on drugs or something. The GM then gave a Strangler Award to CB and Zsa Zsa – CB for singing awfully, and Zsa Zsa for running faster to get away from the caterwauling. DMT got a Special Merit Award for putting up with the sheer pong of the Cocktails team, and for the scratches received when surreptitiously peeing in the bushes.

Opening up for awards was going to be difficult as the circle was by now incredibly rowdy. She lamented that the Dome of Silence has gone missing and called forth Sondra to step forward with Ben in order to restore some order. Captain Mortein was given the Grumpy Award for sneering about Samoa’s chances and then sleeping through half the game. Further on the game we all agreed that the ref was a bastard, and being Irish a Leprechaun Award had to be handed to anyone resident in Eire – oh, yes Damien was given this one by Sassy. What a Mother to have, eh! A further rugby award went to anyone Australian for losing to Eire – Mike and Bruce the Diva Dingo.
Back on the run CB had been observed peeing in front of a family in a fale – Indecent Exposure Award. SOTB had obviously needed to dig deep for his motivation to run, and at a point of flagging spirits his mother gets off the truck to help him, but instead power walks him off the road. This earned Sassy a Poor Execution Award.

Spanky explained that she was late as there was no TV coverage at Cappuccino Vineyard, which earned Pro Boner and Pirate Princess a Poor Host Award.
Sassy demanded to do the down-down song solo as PS had been killing her ears softly during the circle. Poumuli and Lewinsky got one for sponsorship, while Poumuli got another for stretching his ass in front of Slim Shady. After a vote she joined him for being obsessed with asses.

Poumuli had been given the relay torch by the organizers, and decided that Pauline should have this as she was the only angel on the team. Pity she didn’t use it later that evening to find her way, as she fell into a ditch and seriously hurt herself. Pirate Princess then also got a Merit Award and for using coconuts in a suggestive manner to get the Captain to run faster, joined by Wahoo for downing two vodka & cranberry before 10 AM. Strangler got the Confused Award for doing the relay on a bicycle – he was the support for Slava who ran the whole damned 104 km by himself.
Eveready thanked the Hash on behalf of the US Vets who had organized the event, and then Hot Nuts said grace and we laid into the well prepared feast.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1588 - Vaoala, Bank St with Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy

Morning All,
Following from Saturdays special Perimeter Run/Hash Run, tonights run is being hosted by Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy up at Zsa Zsa's place in Vaoala on Bank Street, just down the road from where we had the On On on Saturday.

Congrats again to the two hash teams for completing the Perimeter Relay over the weekend...well done!

The hosts are providing a spread tonight so no need to bring anything for the BBQ. Run will start at 1730Hrs so be on time and dont forget your hash cash..there will also be a keg there tonight...

See you then.
On On.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Hash Trash 1586

The Hash was hosted by Slipppery at his house by NUS. The run was set on paper, and we were warned to closely follow the trail. Yes indeed, it had been trickily set by Buzzer. We went up left from the house, led off by Tallyho and Poumuli, who quickly missed the first turnoff. Tracking back we went through someone’s front yard, down the back into the gully, which saw a lot of slips and falls. Reaching the bottom the trail zigged and zagged through the bush, but this meant that the slower runners had an advantage in catching up to the front. Several incidents with barbed wire ensued, including Captain Mortein using Poumuli as a cushion. Out of the bush we raced up through a taro patch to reach the road. We then followed a country trail up and around to rejoin the parallel road to NUS. Thankfully we didn’t have to go all the way down and around as the trail had been arranged to go through someone else’s yard. Excellent effort by the Hare.

SOTB as GM called the circle to order, which was a tall one given the screaming offspring running around. He called on those new to Apia Hash, which were Nick and Janine from NZ, brought by Ladyfinger, and David and Alistair brought by Godfather – obviously the Hashers had given good instructions! Slight interruption from Do Me Twice who was caught for a cellphonus interruptus. The Rethreads were Strangler, DMT, Pussysnatcher, Cockblocker and Jeff. Reasons given were not heard by your Scribe over the screaming kids.

Celebrity Awards went to Swinger, Ben, Tallyho, Lewinsky and Slim Shady (large Observer free advertising for On the Rocks), Crime for the crime is not our culture headline, and Captain Mortein was deemed Lezzie’s closest living relative for the condemnation by SUNGO in the Observer.

For this year in history, in 1792 the French Crown Jewels and the Hope Diamond were stolen, so Ben being Swiss and closest neighbour got the Failure to Protect Family Jewels. In 1989 Hungary freed interned East German refugees, a major cause for the fall of the Iron Curtain – to Zsa Zsa. In the year 122 construction of Hadrian’s Wall begins in order to keep hairy-arsed Scots out of Roman England – Swinger should have got this one, but visitor Alistair was picked instead (your Scribe escaped detection, with a Scottish Great-great grandmother!). In 1899 the first person ever to be killed by an automobile, in the US – Lily and Rachel. In 1916 Mary the Elephant was hanged for stepping on her handler, cruelty by crane – this one went to Eveready.

The GM presented a Sabotaging the Hash Team Award to Lewinsky for knocking up the team’s fittest runner pregnant. When he took the award he said he hoped it was him, to which Eveready noted that if it was a girl then yes!
The GM awarded Ben the Changed Apparel Award for running in shoes rather than jandals, and Captain Mortein for getting a shiner from Pirate Princess that he had tried to hide with makeup. The GM had been chatting with Titty Galore, and noted something on her lip, looked like a bite mark, but she insisted it was a cold sore. The GM decreed that a Vampire Award go to the cause of the bite mark, namely Godfather. In terms of the Hash Cash he reminded Crime that it wasn’t enough to pay some cash!

A few months ago Hashers will recall that there was an act of selfless bravery at Lalomanu, and now that Strangler was back we could finally award this one. Turning to the run, Captain Mortein had bumped into the GM, then rolled in the dirt and used the GM to get up only to take off. Poumuli called for this to be made a double for the act of using Poumuli as a cushion against barbed wire.

Coming back to the screaming kids, a Mother’s Award went to Pirate Princess and Sondra. Opening up for nominations POD nominated DMT for her Vailima adverts. Swinger nominated PS for Wanting Ice in the Crotch Award, based on his comments on the relay. This prompted Captain Mortein to nominate the sponsors of the relay teams for the Generosity Award – Poumuli and Lewinsky.

Jeff and Buzzer were caught leaning, and then Tallyho had an absolute epi fit, roaring and ranting about lack of Hash t-shirts being worn in the circle, and generally berating the assembled miserable bastards, and Lewinsky hadn’t called an on-on, etc etc. The GM decided that this had gone on for long enough to bring Tallyho close to an aneurysm, and gave him an FBI Award.

Eveready spoke of creating a very special cake for the weekend party, which he had spent lots of time on only to hear the host telling the kids it was in the shape of a hammer! Susan step forward. Captain Mortein then nominated two hashers who had been training very hard for the relay and must surely collectively have lost 50 kilos – Relay Challenge Award to SOTB and Lewinsky. Poumuli tried to get this doubled as Lewinsky had stayed in front of him the whole way back, taking advantage of the zig zag and false trails, but this backfired. (I was not jealous of his fitness!)

The GM called forth Susan in the absence of the Apia Mad Hash Monk, or Mum as he calls her, and told the Hash that this former telecom worker was leaving us soon. She shall henceforth be known as Callgirl.
The Hares and the Hosts were thanked for an excellent run, with Ring Ring stepping in for Buzzer’s award together with Slippery.

The GM noted that the Perimeter Relay will be an official Hash Run and that those not in the teams should gather for the last leg and run along in support. He also noted that Hot Nuts has offered us his house for the post-relay BBQ, and that there would be a pig, a keg and possibly a lamb. Godfather who will not be with us, pledged two masseuses to slake the pain of the runners.

Watch the blog for next Monday’s run

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit