Friday, December 15, 2017

Hash Run 1912

Hope you all recovered from Christmas Hash. 

Hash next week, 18th Dec will be hosted by BB, Swinger and StrapOn at Papauta.

Theme: Heroines

Venue - StrapOn's house: Same road to Mailelani Soap Factory/Le Petite Cafe, it's the second house on the right. The house has a white deck in the front. 

Run starts: 6pm on the dot!



Hash Run 1912

Hope you all recovered from Christmas Hash. 

Hash next week, 18th Dec will be hosted by BB, Swinger and StrapOn at Papauta.

Theme: Heroines

Venue - StrapOn's house: Same road to Mailelani Soap Factory/Le Petite Cafe, it's the second house on the right. The house has a white deck in the front. 

Run starts: 6pm on the dot!



Hash Trash 1911

The Christmas Hash was hosted by Gayboy at Sunrise Restaurant in Matautu. It had been a really rainy Monday, but we were blessed by a lull in the deluge as the pack set out for what is really a pub crawl. The Hash kids safely ensconced in a red Hilux, the trail went down Beach Road to Amanaki, then back via CVs, OTR and sundry other places. Bemused locals and tourists were regaled by bawdy versions of classic Christmas carols, belted out with gusto and accompanied by Godfather’s ukulele. The pack meandered slightly on the return, but we were finally able to muster a very large and loud circle.

Slim Shady was our GM, and invited the newbies to enter the circle. These were Soopuka brought by Gabby, Tanya brought by someone called Tammy, Paulie, Peter and Taz brought by Skull, Coinsave’s brother, Talai brought by someone called Courtney, and Nicholai Taulelei brought by Poumuli and Wahoo. All got a down down, joined by Titty Galore and Lewinsky.
Retreads were Wahoo (mummying), Captain Bolitos (doing things with balls), Cunning Linguist, Swinger (world tour), Coinsave, Nom Nom, Cunning, Skull, GBH, Gayboy and Captain Mortein.
Shoe Inspector Gayboy found Kiwi and Coinsave’s brother.

Celebrity Awards went to Princess Fantapants, GBH, Gabby, Peeping Clam (all in photos in the paper) and Lewinsky for Sassygirl BJ (numerous stories from Vanuatu Games).

This Day in History Awards went to Captain Mortein (902 – Battle of the Holme: Anglo-Saxon forces are defeated by Danish Vikings under Æthelwold (a son of Æthelred of Wessex) who is killed in battle), Godfather (1996 – Gwen Jacob is acquitted of committing an indecent act, giving women the right to be topfree in Ontario, Canada – GF approved), Poumuli (1997 – The Kyoto Protocol opens for signature), Nom Nom and Skull (2005 – Cronulla riots: Thousands of White Australians demonstrate against ethnic violence resulting in a riot against anyone thought to be Lebanese in Cronulla, New South Wales; these are followed up by retaliatory ethnic attacks on Cronulla), Princess Fantapants (2017 – Marriage Amendment Bill to recognize same-sex marriage passes in Australia) and Pervert (Human Rights Day).

The GM had some awards, and started with POD for a Child Abuse Award for making Happy Feet run all the way from Amanaki. Then there was a Mean Aunty Award to Titty Galore who stopped a couple handholding on the run.

Next Princess Fantapants for the Not So Secret Award – apparently he had been revealing a bit too much of himself in the Santa suit. Karaoke got a Balldropper Award, and Smashlee for asking why run with the kids.

Opening up for nominations, Coinsave quickly got Crime for leaning. Poumuli tried to add in another for Crime, but failed.

Cunning Linguist, piqued that Swinger had been posting all these photos from his world tour, updating the minutiae of his progress, gave him the Rubbing It In Award. He was joined by Coinsave who had also been on part of the tour.

Skull’s son Peter nominated his sister for running in a strapless bra, and running faster than her mascara. Both of them took the down down, while Godfather’s interest was perked. Cunning nominated Snake for hiding in the bushes, joined by Pervert.

Princess Fantapants nonimaned Nom Nom for the Libra Award, as the running colours of his get up suggested immediate ovulation. Noms was joined by Coinsave for leaning.
The GM then recognized Junior and Richard Wetzell who had snuck in to the Hash. Karaoke gave the Master Chef Award to Crash Bandicoot. Lewinsky was supposed to get a pig, and got a cow instead. Both Crash and Lewinsky had a down down, with Soopuka for leaning.

Coinsave then asked for a Subterfuge Award for Cockblocker – he has been walking around with a black eye and giving different reasons each time asked. Transporter and Lowrider got the Missed Retreads Award. Swinger nominated Coinsave for giving influenza to an entire cruise ship.

Smashlee tried to nominate Captain Bolitas, but named Paul instead, but in the midst of this failure Godfather asked for Happy Bunny to join because of her smile when Captain is on shore. Prince was asked the rhetorical question, why the facial hair? Burt Reynolds Award.
Gayboy nominated Captain Mortein for the down down he hadn’t had yet, but this was false, so both took it. They were soon joined by chattering nabobs Gabby and Soopuka.

Godfather made an impassioned speech about not missing 30 odd years of Christmas Hashes. This was followed by the Pricks of the Year Award – Poumuli for missing the birth of his son, and Nom Nom, Godfather and Snake for the dead cat and pig run. Tit of the Year Award went to POD for her excessive running.

The Hare and Host were saluted. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, December 11, 2017

Hash Run 1911 - Christmas Hash

Talofa all
Tonight's Christmas Hash will be hosted by Gayboy at Sunrise Restaurant in Matautu. Come on down to the home of sweet and sour cat for some carolling and fun. Its locate by the Samoa Ports Authority building.
Run starts at 6 PM rain or shine.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1910

The Hash was hosted by the King and Karaoke in Lotopa. It was an incredibly rainy day, so it was surprising that so many actually made it out. The rain had precluded any sort of trail to be set, so StrapOn volunteered as live hare. Out the gate we went on a perambular run around Lotopa, with the faster runners going all the way over to the Mormon temple and back.

StrapOn came in as GM, and called the circle to order. New to Hash was Gabby who is a UN volunteer, and came with someone called Pru and Mark. Down downs for Peeping Clam, Princess Fantapants and Gabby.

The retreads were Poumuli (away in Fiji and Germany), Overstayer (in Savaii but based in Upolu now), Witch Doctor, Tom, Crime, Peeping Clam and Princess Fantapants.
Shoe inspector Snip and Tuck failed, as she falsely accused POD.
This Day in History Awards went to StrapOn for Gayboy (977 – Emperor Otto II lifts the siege at Paris and withdraws. His rearguard is defeated while crossing the Aisne River by Frankish forces under King Lothair III), Crash Bandicoot (2006 – Commodore Frank Bainimarama overthrows the government in Fiji), King (1726 – King Adolph of Sweden dies), and Lewinsky (International Day for People with Disabilities).

Celebrity Awards went to Princess Fantapants (for FBI who was in the paper), Godfather and Cockblocker (SVS in the paper), Peeping Clam (not happy about Prince Harry), Lewinsky (30 year anniversary of RLS, of which his dad was a founder), the King (did not enter world’s best guacamole competition), and Cockblocker for World Aids Day.

Turning to the GM’s awards, we saw some improvements in the 7s, with vocal support from Karaoke. Then there had been the Queen’s Baton Relay, with numerous indiscretions including Sassygirl BJ driving too slow, Godfather taking a short-cut, POD running in front of the Baton-bearer and Poumuli trying to us the baton as a bat.

Opening up for nominations, Princess Fantapants nominated Peeping Clam for the Not Samoan Award, as she was peeling more than a chimpanzee from her sunburn. Then Lewinsky nominated the GM for his speedy side step of a charging dog on the run. Lewinsky joined him as he had been laughing about the incident.

POD nominated Titty Galore for her nesting skills in fashioning a sling for Godfather out of a bikini top. Lewinsky nominated Crash for the bad son in law award for not wearing pink to the run. POD had been listening to the radio when the bodybuilding contest was on, and apparently the commentary from the ladies watching would have been illegal if men had uttered them during Ms Samoa. To top it off, the King had been abused by Karaoke upon her return from the contest.

Godfather noted that the Hash has been around for 30 odd years, and that a long time ago at a Togitogia run Snake had found a snake in the bush, for which he is named. This week they found a snake at Sinalei, and after that was disposed of, he began to look for the parent snakes. Then he remembered that Snake had been his electrician.
Princess Fantapants joined him for sitting during this story. Finally, Karaoke nominated Snake for getting upset that someone called him old at last week’s Hash.

The Hosts and Hare were saluted. Next week’s Hash is at Sunrise Restaurant, Christmas Hash 6PM, rain or shine.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, August 11, 2017

Hash Trash 1893

The Hash was hosted by AC/DC at the Tokelau compound in Moamoa. A cool day it was with blustery winds. The perfect day to set a run on flour. Yes, for a change he had actually set a run. We went off the usual way though, to the left towards the big ford. But here there was a circle and we went deeper into Moamoa heartland. Apart from some lazy dogs and curious locals it was all good. We crossed the ford, and realised what the laughter was about – we went into a small loop and returned to the ford. So on back we went to where we had come. We explored the ford for flour, but in the end several just ran back and up to Chanel College. All good.

POD called the circle to order, and new to Hash was Johnny who had been brought by FBI. The retreads were FBI (small operation), Overstayer (work), Tom (on Savaii) and Lucy (back for a week). Screamer as Shoe Inspector failed.

This Day in History Awards went to Il Capo (1173 – Construction of the campanile of the Cathedral of Pisa (now known as the Leaning Tower of Pisa) begins; it will take two centuries to complete – Italian efficiency and skill!), Crash Bandicoot (1947 – Thor Heyerdahl's balsa wood raft the Kon-Tiki, crashes into the reef at Raroia in the Tuamotu Islands after a 101-day, 7,000 kilometres (4,300 mi) journey across the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to prove that pre-historic peoples could have traveled from South America), AC/DC (1971 – The first Pacific Islands Forum (then known as the "South Pacific Forum") is held in Wellington, New Zealand, with the aim of enhancing cooperation between the independent countries of the Pacific Ocean), Tom (Feast Day of St Sithney, patron saint of mad dogs) and POD for Happy Feet (Happiness Happens Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Nom Nom for Peeping Clam (peeping out of an Observer photo), Eveready for Slim Shady’s dad, and FBI for the crime headline accompanying it.

Cunning Linguist then did a special celebrity award for the Norwegians, as the new tram seats in Oslo, in twilight, looked as if the tram was full of burka wearers, freaking the people out. Witch Doctor and Poumuli went up.

Turning to the theme for the run, babies, the GM had to ponder the meaning of Snip & Tuck’s carnevalesque outfit – was she ready for babies? Nom Nom and Lewinsky were given the Worst Nappy Ever Awards, Mark the Best Nappy Award, and Screamer, whose definition of babies as a collection of orifices that produce biohazards was acclaimed.

It had been an active weekend in sports so Lucy and Cunning were given awards for the Lions and Crusaders respectively. We also had Neymar sign the highest transfer fee in history, so for the Best Brazilian she brought up Johnny, Snake and second best FBI.

Returning to the crappy nappies theme, Il Capo obviously approaches that as an Italian architect approaches building towers, as her son had crapped all over the deck at a weekend Perimeter training set.

She also pointed out that this was a nice venue for the Hash, but that AC/DC must enjoy Christmas too much as the decorations were still up. For some reason this went to Snake and Poumuli.
FBI nominated the failing barmen Lewinsky and AC/DC, and when all said aye for AC/DC he failed to notice that he was dobbing himself in.

Latecummers Godfather and Peeping Clam were greeted. Cunning nominated Snip & Tuck, as she had arranged for them to go for a walk on Saturday, but when ready there was no sign, no sight or sound. Obviously practicing her costume. Lewinsky nominated the GM for winning the 21 K, and Poumuli for rescuing Godfather from a second by taking his hat.

Il Capo nominated Crash as someone had crashed into her car. Slim Shady was latecummer, and AC/DC gave her a second one for pulling out of hosting.

Turning to announcements, we need drivers and supporters for the Perimeter Relay. Godfather mentioned the 2018 Inter Hash in Nadi and urged a group of us to go.

The Hare and Hosts were saluted before a magnificent island style feast was served up.

Next week will be Father’s Day run at Godfather’s and Titty G’s in Poutasi. Your Scribe will be in Honiara with the Hash there.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1892

The Hash was hosted at On The Rocks by Lewinsky and POD in the absence of a suitable host. Cockblocker was live hare and took us on a jaunt on the seawall to Mulinuu, back into town and on home through the back roads of Apia. Not the most interesting run, but whatever. There were sweet nuts awaiting.

POD called the circle to order, trying to be heard over the infernal catervauling of the OTR band. There were no newbies or retreads. While Richie was fined for leaning, Shoe Inspector Snakebite struck gold with Prince.

This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (1030 – Ladejarl-Fairhair succession wars: Battle of Stiklestad: King Olaf II fights and dies trying to regain his Norwegian throne from the Danes), a British
Medic (1900 – Kaiser Wilhelm II makes a speech comparing Germans to Huns; for years afterwards, "Hun" would be a disparaging name for Germans), Snake (1970 – Black Tot Day: The last day of the officially sanctioned rum ration in the Royal Navy), StrapOn (1976 – In New York City, David Berkowitz (a.k.a. the "Son of Sam") kills one person and seriously wounds another in the first of a series of attacks), Crash Bandicoot (World Hepatitis Day) and Lewinsky (International Beer Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Coinsave (for pro and anti Sinalei stories), Nom Nom (for Snatched story), POD (for being the “darling of Samoan running”) and Poumuli (for giving his real name to the WHO Expanded Special Project on the Elimination of Neglected tropical diseases).
On the run Mark and Coinsave ran past his building and he didn’t pay homage, while Mark was chasing Danielle. POD joined for being vindictive. Screamer was nominated for partying wildly on the south side.

Snake nominated Lewinsky, as he had asked for an extension cord at OTR, and it was so filthy he had to unlock it somehow, and somehow broke something. Anyway both of them took the award as it was incomprehensible.  Prince gave the hero award to Lewinsky for his role in the paddling regatta and the provision of an after race keg. He then tried to blame Titty Galore and went from hero to zero, but she joined in.

Nom Nom nominated POD and Lewinsky who as last week’s hosts had not provided us with a safe space for Hash. Because THERE WERE PEOPLE HAVING SEX IN THEIR TOILET. In the end it was agreed that this must have been Nom Nom and Peeping Clam.

StrapOn nominated Poumuli for Wahoo’s FB posts about pregnant women needing to have sex every day. He then nominated Godfather for showing off his tattoo to someone from the Suva Hash that StrapOn had met in the Port Vila Hash.

For the 50th Anniversary of the Peace Corps, Eveready and Louisa were nominated. Peeping Clam made Mark join them for having made out with one during the celebration party. Crash was made to join for looking Mexican.

The Hare and Hosts were saluted and then PIZZA!

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, July 31, 2017

Hash Trash 1891

The Hash was hosted by Godfather, Titty Galore, Speedhumper and Aaron at the Lewinsky compound in Taumeasina. It was a warm day for a run, but we got off to a late start so the heat was bearable. The run went out the front and left, with a false trail almost immediately. We backtracked and the trail led along the river bank – because of high tide the water was now up to our knees. Really rather disgusting. We re-joined the trail on the road, which led to another false trail, before the trail was reacquired. A significant run, and we were well met back with Godfather’s cool glistening nuts.

POD as GM announced that this would be a special Hash, as we were going to have a Hash Wedding. At that, the Celebrant – Elvis – actually Eveready, stepped forward and assumed his position at the altar helpfully provided by the Lewinskies. The Bride’s entrance was presaged by Speedhumper, joyfully flinging plastic forks in front of her. Titty G was escorted by Snake, with his “daughter” Chanel acting as the veil carrier.

Elvisready began the proceedings by welcoming the dearly beloved, that we had gathered together to join this Hasher and Hash Mere. And although there had been some milking of the cow through the fence, the King would forgive such trivial sins. Snake was invited to speak, and he talked of the best way to strengthen the family was to keep it in the Hash family. He mentioned that there had been a secret wedding in New Zealand, but that the secret to a happy marriage remains a secret. Elvisready then asked Godfather if he would take Titty G for his awful wedded wife, and more along the same lines. He then asked Titty G if she would take Godfather as her husband, promise to love him when he is cranky, has had too many down-downs, or lost his hearing aid. He added that Godfather would in return promise to put the seat down when he was finished. A ring was produced for Titty G, and a ball and chain for Godfather. By the power vested in him by the City of Las Vegas, Elvisready then pronounced them husband and wife, to loud cheers. He then asked them to chastely kiss, no toungue, and to much cheers he said, you may now have your way with her. The ceremony was finished off with singing and dancing to Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours).

The circle was called to a semblance of order, and those new to Hash were called forward. These were Chanel (Snakebite in drag), Charlie (from Auckland on holiday), Louisa, Lara, Will, Tara (medicos), David from Nigeria (where do I send my money, asked Snake), and Connor (UK).

The retreads were Curly, Pro Boner, Transporter, Cougar, Snip & Tuck, Lexi, Crash Bandicoot, Lowrider and Rottweiler. The GM then called in Pool Boy for not declaring. Shoe Inspector Pool Boy then failed in his inspection.

Celebrity Awards went to Sassygirl BJ (story in the paper about the deliberate release of farmed minks by activists, which all died. Sassy had referred to herself in an email as the Hash Mink). Gayboy accused Lewinsky of investing secretly in Rarotonga as he had found himself in a bar there called On The Rocks.

This Day in History Awards went to Snake (1645 – Qing dynasty regent Dorgon issues an edict ordering all Han Chinese men to shave their forehead and braid the rest of their hair into a queue identical to those of the Manchus), Poumuli (1814 – The Swedish–Norwegian War begins), Il Capo (1866 – Austro-Prussian War: Battle of Lissa: The Austrian Navy, led by Admiral Wilhelm von Tegetthoff, defeats the Italian Navy near the island of Vis in the Adriatic Sea), Cunning Linguist (National Day, celebrates the inauguration of Léopold I, the first king of the Belgians, after its independence from the Netherlands on October 4, 1830), Snakebite (Feast Day of St Margaret the Virgin), Gayboy (International Ratcatcher Day) and Lewinsky (Monica Lewinsky’s birthday).

Warning Snip & Tuck of the leaning rule, the GM reminded her of the story of yellow dress at the yellow house, where Cunning Linguist ripped it off her. Pervert was then caught leaning.
The medicos Charlie and Connor had arrived saying they were friends with Tom, but they must surely be impostors for not running. She went on to remark how in Samoa its usually the youngest who becomes a fa’fa, and this was clearly not the case with Chanel/Snakebite.

Lewinsky then nominated Snake for coming to the rescue and fixing the wiring of the lights, but Poumuli pointed out that Snake had done the original wiring. Snake then nominated Lewinsky for something he would not reveal.

The Hash Monk arrived and started naming. First there was Jessica, who will now be called Happy Bunny. Then there was fighting smackdown Lexi, who will now be known as GBH. Then the excitable under-age Hash Mere Marcella was named Princess Snip, while her smart sister was named Einstein. Aaron for being loud at work but silent at home was called Mute Button, while super flexible Rachel will be known as Bendy.

The Hare and the Hosts were saluted before we sang and ate.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, July 24, 2017

Hash Trash 1890

The Hash was hosted at the Yellow House up from Giordano’s on Cross Island Road by Ginger Mark. Brutally hot day it was and we were threatened with a long run, but with a river crossing. The run was ostensibly set on flour, but as we soon found out you needed a microscope to see it. The run went down Cross Island Road, and there the front running bastards made a big mistake, dodging cars, and missing the turn to the river. They instead went to the seawall, along and back up via the hospital. The slower ones led by Godfather, actually found the trail and did do a river crossing but took a shortcut back. There were plenty of Godfather’s cool succulent nuts to savour as we awaited the Hash Circle.

POD was GM again, having been in training for her marathon Marathon. She called those new to Hash forward, and they were legion. First there was Simon and Richie  who had been brought by Godfather. Then there was apparently the entire Swinburne Uni from Melbourne.

The retreads were Poumuli (in Bula Land), Snakebite (working), Speedhumper (busy) and Crime (likely at Tafaigata). Shoe Inspector Screamer tried but failed, and was joined by Snake who interfered in her duties (imposting?).

Celebrity Awards went to Mark for Prince (in the paper) and POD and Lewinsky for Marathon story.
This Day in History Awards went to Cockblocker (1938 – Douglas Corrigan takes off from Brooklyn to fly the "wrong way" to Ireland and becomes known as "Wrong Way" Corrigan), the Swinburne All Black (1976 – The opening of the Summer Olympics in Montreal is marred by 25 African teams boycotting the games because of New Zealand's participation. Contrary to rulings by other international sports organizations, the IOC had declined to exclude New Zealand because of their participation in South African sporting events during apartheid), Lewinsky (1998 – A diplomatic conference adopts the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, establishing a permanent international court to prosecute individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression) and Eveready (Feast Day of St Francis Solanus).

Turning to the run, a Hash Mere had stumbled on the run, and had stopped to wash her hands at the dive shop, and even scored some antiseptic. Screamer was joined by Richie who had a scooter accident on the weekend. He hadn’t hit a dog, he hadn’t hit a pig – he had hit the accelerator! A Road Toast Award to the two of them.

The Host who was also the Hare, had used such a tiny amount of flour that it must have been the most valuable ever. Gold Dust Award to Mark. Latecummer Gayboy was welcomed with a down down.

Snake had been sharing his sob story before the run about ex-rays and pain, when all seriousness aside, the grand conclusion is that he is getting old. Grumpy Old Man Award to Snake. He was joined by Il Capo, who as always was whingeing, but this time was actually sick, yet came to Hash. Dedication to Hash Award.

Opening up for nominations, Snake wanted to thank Lewinsky for not wasting our beer by drinking vodka. Il Capo nominated Jessica for always missing the theme, and she was joined by the Hareraiser Nom Nom for not posting it.

Poumuli nominated CB for forgetting his son’s food, and then poisoning the rest of the kids with his konzentrationslager fumes from his truck. Gayboy nominated Snake for Worst Boss of the Year for sending an employee to fix a gate. Snake said the employee was more skilled so both took the award.
Mark nominated Lewinsky for his support to the ginger people, while Snake nominated Godfather to atone for the deploring state of rugby in Samoa. Lewinsky then nominated POD for breaking the Lalomanu record. She clarified that she had only done so because of Godfather’s pestering, and he was of course proud of her.

Non Nom had been out with Peeping Clam’s gay uncles, when one of them had ordered a vodka tonic, to which the other exclaimed that this is the gayest drink ever. As it is also Lewinsky’s current choice, he joined Peeping Clam.

Il Capo was nominated for leaning and Genora as a latecummer.
Next week will be hosted by Godfather, Titty Galore and Speedhumper at the Lewinsky compound.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, May 29, 2017

Hash Run 1883

Tonight's hash will be hosted by Yahoo, Wahoo and Poumuli at their place on Atoa Avenue, off Bank Street in Vaoala.

Theme: Be Independent!

On On

Hash Trash 1882

The Hash was hosted by Nom Nom and Peeping Clam at the Yellow Collective in Motootua. A nice day for a run set on flour, and we had been spared the rain splattering it everywhere. It was on out the gate and down to the Beach Road, then a circle around the Leone Bridge construction, with a straight back run via the Hospital Road. Godfather had again provided us access to his sweet cool nuts, but they seem to be getting smaller by the day. Curious…

POD was our GM as usual, and called the newbies forward, and they were legion: Genora (SPREP intern), Gareth (WIBDI), Heather, Ziyun (SPREP intern), Gavin (Scot med student), James (med student), Bridget (CI), Tibo (France) and Malia (Samoa). Down downs were given Crown of Thorns and Cockblocker for forgotten names.

The retreads were Do Me Twice (following dreams), Poumuli (climate changing), Crown of Thorns (stuck in Waiheke), Nom Nom (embezzling Nepal) and Cockblocker (busy not working). Screamer was appointed Shoe Inspector, and made a valiant attempt but failed. She was joined by Tibo for smoking in the circle.

Celebrity Awards went to Strap On for numerous photos in the paper, and Lewinsky for the similarities to Trump’s current ails.

This Day in History Awards went to POD (491 – Empress Ariane marries Anastasius I. The widowed Augusta is able to choose her successor for the Byzantine throne, after Zeno (late emperor) dies of dysentery), James the med (844 – Battle of Clavijo: The Apostle Saint James the Greater is said to have miraculously appeared to a force of outnumbered Asturians and aided them against the forces of the Emir of Cordoba), Cunning Linguist (1568 – Dutch rebels led by Louis of Nassau, defeat Jean de Ligne, Duke of Arenberg, and his loyalist troops in the Battle of Heiligerlee, opening the Eighty Years' War), Nom Nom (1840 – The transportation of British convicts to the New South Wales colony is abolished), Slim Shady (1936 – Sada Abe is arrested after wandering the streets of Tokyo for days with her dead lover's severed genitals in her handbag. Her story soon becomes one of Japan's most notorious scandals), Do Me Twice (1953 – Jackie Cochran becomes the first woman to break the sound barrier), Il Capo (1992 – Italy's most prominent anti-mafia judge Giovanni Falcone, his wife and three body guards are killed by the Corleonesi clan with a half-ton bomb near Capaci, Sicily. His friend and colleague Paolo Borsellino will be assassinated less than two months later, making 1992 a turning point in the history of Italian Mafia prosecutions), Lewinsky (1998 – A U.S. federal judge rules that U.S. Secret Service agents can be compelled to testify before a grand jury concerning the Lewinsky scandal involving President Bill Clinton) and Crown of Thorns (International Day for Biological Diversity).

Turning to celebrations, Poumuli had his on a plane, and was joined by Cunning Linguist and Snip & Tuck for their recent engagement (please not another Hash Wedding like Ali Bin Shaggin!)

Tonight’s theme had of course bee

Thursday, April 27, 2017

HASH RUN 1879 - StrapOn is hosting a Sa Moana Folau themed Run at Papauta

Location - Go on the road to Mailelani Soap Factory/Le Petite Cafe, the house will be the second on your right with the white deck in the front. 

Theme: Sa Moana Folau. Protecting the Mountains to the Oceans. So dress up as a character representing the Forests or the Ocean. If can combine both you will get a prize! Those not in costume will need to sing a song from Moana the cartoon.


Start time: 5.30pm


Friday, April 07, 2017

Hash Run 1876

Hash Run 1876 is kindly hosted by Lewinsky and POD at Tameasina. You go towards Tameasina Island Resort and straight after you take the turn from the Main East Costal Road, you take a right at the 1st right fork in the road, and then the 1st left.
Bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala, and some swimmies if you want to have a dip after the run.

We are back to running at 5.30 PM or 1730

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1875

The Hash was hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva inside the Keil compound in Motootua. We were back to normal time, so it was a relatively cool afternoon. The run went out the gate and up Cross Island Road, then turning right onwards past the hospital. Almost at the bottom, we realised we had no trail, and cut back up to find the trail cutting back to the Cross Island Road. The trail then headed over towards NUS, and cut back to the broken bridge – then it was on home up the Cross Island Road.

POD was our GM as usual, and she called for those new to Hash to step forward. These were Luca (but friends of Crown of Thorns) and Eric, brought by Cockblocker.  Alex came to Hash because he lives there, while Sam and Morgan had been brought by Prue. Peeping Clam and CB took one each.
The retreads were Slim Shady (drinking rum), Ring Ring (busy), Snip & Tuck (snipping and tucking).

This Day in History Awards went to Slim Shady (1917 – The United States takes possession of the Danish West Indies after paying $25 million to Denmark, and renames the territory the United States Virgin Islands), CB (1947 – The only mutiny in the history of the Royal New Zealand Navy begins), Alex (1981 – U.S. President Ronald Reagan is shot outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John Hinckley, Jr.; three others are wounded in the same incident), Lewinsky (2002 – Monica Lewinsky, no longer bound by the terms of her immunity agreement, appeared in the HBO special, "Monica in Black and White", part of the America Undercover series. In it she answered a studio audience's questions about her life and the Clinton affair) and Lewinsky (2004 – Google announces Gmail to the public).

Celebrity Awards went to Il Capo (present at the Vavu wreck scene), Peeing Clam for Sassygirl BJ (twice in the paper), Poumuli (Ele fundraising) and Godfather (story about Poutasi).
Shoe Inspector Screamer at first was told to look at Snip & Tuck but this was a false accusation as verified by Screamer, so Ring Ring took the down down. Turning to the GM’s nominations Slim Shady was anonymously nominated for sharing the chips with her breasts. A discombobulated Godfather asked “what was wrong with that?” Gagging Diva was nominated for seeing phantom dogs and ninja bombs. Morgan was asked if she was half in the circle, as she had been doing a yoga pose the whole time – she did the Yoga Award doing the same pose.

Il Capo nominated the GM, for usually being in front and talking a lot of bla bla. Poumuli noted that it was the Year of the Rooster, which CB had on his t-shirt and is the birth year of Alex as well, so a Cockfight Award was given to both of them.

Slim Shady nominated Poumuli for the Shitty Recommendation Award for advising her to bring rice and beans to Cuba, where they instead ogled her phone and other accoutrements. Poumuli nominated StrapOn for making fun of his needing a strap on, but both got this one, erm, Lewinsky was whipping boy for StrapOn.

Peeping Clam nominated Poumuli for not picking out Gagging Diva in the Celebrity Awards, nor Cunning Linguist for the many Tokelau stories, and Snatched was added in as a Media rep, which Alex took.

Next week’s run is at Taumeasina for Lewinsky’s birthday. Easter Hash will be somewhere on the South Side care of Godfather and Titty Galore.

Godfather also recounted the story of Kamaka – the legendary ukulele maker from Hawaii, who was a leper, which is where Godfather got his ukulele from. He is now opening a ukulele factory in Poutasi, using all local materials except the strings (er, wait, what about cat gut?).

The Hares and Hosts were saluted before we had the first ever all vegetarian Hash meal.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, March 31, 2017

Hash Run 1875

Talofa Hashers
Monday's run will be hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva off Cross Island Road in Motootua. Directly opposite Scallini restaurant, and if coming from town just before Insel Fehmarn Hotel. There are two entrances. If you take the first one, head down the driveway and turn right when it splits into three. Park in front of the house in the back corner (Gagging Diva's house). You can also take the second entrance which will bring you to Screamer's house and there is a bit of parking there too. Hash will be held on the tennis court in the middle of the compound. Map attached.

NOTE: Food will be vegetarian 
We will be back to normal time so run will start at 17.30 or 5.30 PM. Bring your 20 tala Hash Cash and enjoy a new venue for our runs.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1874

The Hash was again hosted at Nafanua restaurant by Witch Doctor and Black Pussy. POD was the de facto live hare and took us on a run out back up to Leififi, across towards the UN and then back home through Vaiala.

POD was GM, and new to Hash were Tui from NZ and Tavita (trying to keep up with the ladies, and then advertising – down down). Retreads were Tua (his dad was an original Hasher – Dr Blunt – brought by someone called Joe), Jess (watching cows in NZ), Phil (fishing) and of course Godfather joined for breach of Hash Rules.

Godfather then recounted the fundraiser he and Dr Blunt had done in the late 70’s running past the soon-to-be-burned to the ground Tivoli Theatre, and raising some $3000 for a sick child’s medevac by running the entire island in one day.

Screamer was appointed Shoe Inspector who found Tua’s spanking new ones. His disbelief lasted until Gayboy filled his shoe, but he drank it.

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady in whose absence Peeping Clam and latecummer Gayboy partook instead. (The press clipping described the Shape of Mele’s Quilt – which made the GM gag).

This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (845 – Paris is sacked by Viking raiders, probably under Ragnar Lodbrok, who collects a huge ransom in exchange for leaving), Crime (Feast Day of St Dismas the Good Thief), Screamer (Feast Day of St Margaret Clitherow) and Peeping Clam (International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing UN Staff Members).

Turning to the GM Awards, Il Capo has again had the tendency to run so hard that she gets the shivers and shakes, so a Stress Award. Keeping on the subject, Il Capo had been talking about her students, and mentioned that one named Tavita was her stupidest student. Thus for all Tavitas everywhere Tavita got the Stupid Award.

Driving from home, the GM had passed the UN building and saw googly eyed Jess run towards Phil, and promptly fell over – Arse over Tit Award. And also at the UN building, while she and Peeping Clam were going to go the long way, Tua decided on the shorter route. While Tua was peeing, Tui helpfully demonstrated how to make him go the long way – by setting off! Tui got the Well Done Award.

Il Capo nominated Nelson for the Criminal Award as she had to call him four times to get his Hash Cash. She also nominated Lewinsky for wearing a sexy skin tight black shirt – Lewinsky joined her in the Helen Keller Award.

Tua then nominated POD, as he had managed to get her number after 5 minutes of making her acquaintance. Gayboy nominated Lewinsky for being too cheap to have ready phone credit. Wahoo hadn’t had a down down so  Poumuli had to take this.

Hosts and hare were saluted, then we had lots of pizza.

Next week will be hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva in Motootua, and we will be back to 5.30 
PM runs.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1873

The Hash was hosted at Nafanua restaurant by Witch Doctor and Black Pussy. Cockblocker was chosen as the live hare and took us on a yomp along the sea wall to Mulinuu and back. Nuff said, it was hot.

POD was GM, and there were no newbies. Retreads were Sassygirl BJ (off to look for rich men), Lambada and Pavarotti (here ten years ago, back for a break), and Cunning (trying to sort out the son and the man). Shoe inspection failed.

This Day in History Awards went to Sassy (1963: Alcatraz closes), Poumuli (1978: First UNIFIL deployment in Lebanon), POD (International Day of Happiness), Cunning Linguist (1602: Dutch East India Company established), Godfather (1727: Isaac Newton dies), and Lewinsky (St Patrick’s Day – he drove the snakes out of Ireland).

Celebrity Awards went  to Crime (Sheraton paddle race), Il Capo and Peeping Clam (Mt Vaea run).
Turning to the GM Awards, Lewinsky had gotten home late, and no one was ready to go to Hash, when his daughter said “don’t rush me, genius takes time”. Then a Party Pooper Award with Ireland raining on England’s rugby parade – Gagging Diva.

Birthday Awards went to CB and Swinger, the latter accepted by Cunning Linguist. Finally, it was a sad day for the music world, with the death of Chuck Berry. Godfather was asked to play one of his tunes. Poumuli helpfully pointed out the details of the scandal that Berry had been involved in, taking pictures with a spy cam of ladies urinating, surely Peeping Clam. They both took the award to the sounds of Johnny B Goode.

Opening up for nominations, and Sassy was rearing to go. She nominated Mr Whippy for Dedication to Hash – he had come late because he had run from home, then gone on the run trailing the Hashers. Il Capo nominated Pavarotti and Lambada for having been away too long and forgetting about the leaning rule. Witch Doctor was added in for having a faulty tree that needed supporting.
Pavarotti will be leaving again soon, but he demonstrated the origin of his Hash name with a belting rendition of O Sole Mio. Poumuli nominated Sassy for eating her way through New Zealand, as per her Facebook posts.

Poumuli tried to nominate Lewinsky, then had to justify this with a rationale, it being that Lewinsky had ably defused the kerfuffle between the Hash sprogs and the local boys. Both got it. StrapOn upped the ante by reflecting on his Savaii trip where  he had seen the one lorry on the island, dangerously overloaded and unsafe. Proprietor – one Lewinsky.

Nelson got a down down for the hell of it, before the hosts and hare were saluted.
We ate a lot of Nafanua meat in gravy with potatoes.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Hash Trash 1871

The Hash was hosted by Wahoo, Poumuli and Yahoo at their place in Vaoala. It was a sunny and hot day, so the run had been set mostly in the bush. The trail started out behind the house, with a false trail leading up the hill. The trail then went down a similar path to a previous run but it was drier so less slippery. That was until Poumuli’s dog Murdoch decided to follow the pack and throw his 50 kg frame around, causing small avalanches. The trail went across the river and up to the top of the cattle yards, then followed the ridge back down to the corner of Bank Street. A gentle road run down the hill, until the turn and the ford crossing. The trail followed the stream upwards at this point, with several instances where the trail was the stream. Over a small bridge and into an abandoned household we took the dirt road up to Bank Street and on home.

POD was our GM, and called forth the newbies, Erik (brought by Mr Whippy) and Tom (med student from Wales). The retreads were Snip & Tuck, Cunning Linguist, Bubbsy and Mertin.
Shoe Inspector Il Capo zeroed in on Cunning Linguist’s new shiny ones, and he had some tasty river water with the beer.

This Day in History Awards went to Nelson (363 – Roman Emperor Julian moves from Antioch with an army of 90,000 to attack the Sasanian Empire, in a campaign which would bring about his own death), Peeping Clam (1941 – World War II: The United Kingdom launches Operation Claymore on the Lofoten Islands; the first large scale British Commando raid), Screamer (1986 – The Australia Act 1986 commences, causing Australia to become fully independent from the United Kingdom), Gagging Diva (2005 – Margaret Wilson is elected as Speaker of the New Zealand House of Representatives, beginning a period lasting until August 23, 2006 where all the highest political offices (including Elizabeth II as Head of State), were occupied by women, making New Zealand the first country for this to occur) and Witch Doctor (World Wildlife Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Pussysnatcher (Snatched in the paper) and Il Capo (also in paper). Speaking of new shoes cleaned by river water, the GM called forth StrapOn to show off the barbed wire stuck in his shoe. Cunning Linguist attempted to defray this as a false accusation but failed.

On the run, Crime had been swinging from the lianas as the Apeman himself, only to fall arse over tit as it ripped. An Almost Tarzan Award from Cunning Linguist. Sassygirl BJ was absent, but while Marco Polo was in hospital she had visited and also entertained the kids there with some pole dancing! Pirate Princess and other close supporter Il Capo received this one. Godfather commented that he had been asking at what age should breast feeding stop – NEVER!

The GM congratulated Witch Doctor for hosting the Norwegian Deputy Foreign Minister, and asked if meatballs was on the menu. Turning back to the run, the hares were nominated for attempted murder on Godfather and the near crippling of StrapOn. This was narrowed down to the dog owner, so bastard Lewinsky gave him a respectable one.

Witch Doctor nominated Lewinsky for not helping POD down the hill, merely cooing “slide down, wifey”. She also added Gagging Diva who always helps POD and Mertin for not helping at all. Cunning Linguist was then asked to explain what he had been telling the kids, something about “I have big thumbs that go in small holes”.

Il Capo nominated Godfather for offering to wash her bum, and Black Pussy for suggesting she should get a name change to Black Bummy. Godfather was ok with the nomination, but noted that all the Meres had forgot rule number 7 on health and safety, that the most effective cure for bruised ribs was a blowjob. No one had administered this as he lay gasping after his fall which had been caused by Il Capo’s derriere. This caused way too much laughter, so Il Capo and Black Pussy took the award.

Nelson, astounded of this behaviour in a Welshman, nominated Tom for sitting on his glass, and Peeping Clam for bad training. StrapOn nominated Hash businessman Lewinsky for being in business with no email address. This was doubled as wifey had just signed him up on Viber. StrapOn then expressed his admiration and respect for Lewinsky, and while discussing the subject had heard Peeping Clam opine that no one enjoyed Hash unless you disrespected Lewinsky. Poumuli tried to add in Lewinsky but failed.

Gagging Diva attempted a nomination for Bubbsy but failed to get either real or Hash name right. Nelson nominated Lewinsky for helping out with the parking, while Wahoo’s birthday down down was taken by Poumuli.

StrapOn nominated Mr Whippy for coming late yet finishing the run, Captain Mortein for shortcutting and Wahoo’s dad Norman for latecumming.

The hares and hosts, Pussysnatcher, Poumuli and Wahoo were saluted, amidst murmurs that Pussysnatcher should be certified as a weapon of run destruction. We then feasted on all sorts of curry and homemade roti.

No hosts for next week as yet.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Hash Run 1871

Monday's Hash will be hosted by Wahoo, Poumuli and Yahoo at their place in Vaoala. Take Cross Island Road past Mynas, then take a right on Bank Street. Follow Bank Street until it dips down sharply, and take the left onto Atoa Avenue - there is a sign up on the light pole. The house is the last on the right at the top before the great gates.
The hosts will cater, so bring your 20 tala Hash Cash for the keg, and swimwear if you want to take a dip in the pool after the run. Run starts at 1800 hours or 6 PM.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1870

The Hash was hosted by Witch Doctor and Black Pussy at Nafanua Steakhouse. Crime had been bribed into setting the run. It was a rather hot day in town, but as the trail turned into the back roads, most of us were melting freely. We ran through the fire station parking lot and they were helpfully testing their water cannon as well as washing down a parked fire-truck. Several hashers got the French riot treatment. We turned right on the first back road, then left again at Pinatis. On we slogged in the wet and humid and sweaty and dripping heat, passing the original Sunrise Restaurant, purveyors of fine sweet and sour cat, then another right and left again on the clocktower road up to the airport road. From thence we shall judge the quicken and sweaty, as the trail then led up to Rokos, and off over to the Cross Island Road. The human hashers ran straight back from there, while the super-wenches ran over to the UN and then back along Beach Road. Oh lord those nuts tasted sweet.

Nelson was dobbed in as GM to a sitting circle. There were no newbies, but the retreads were Slim Shady, Nelson and Black Pussy. Screamer was appointed Shoe Inspector, and Godfather brought forth his new work shoes on the off chance that he may need to use them for Hash. Screamer joined him for her efficient persuasion in convincing Titty Galore for giving up the goods on Godfather.

This day in History Awards went to Titty Galore (1692 – Sarah Good, Sarah Osborne and Tituba are brought before local magistrates in Salem Village, Massachusetts, beginning what would become known as the Salem witch trials), Poumuli for Yahoo (1995 – Yahoo! is incorporated), Lewinsky (for his godfather - 2003 – The International Criminal Court holds its inaugural session in The Hague), Il Capo (2010 – Unknown criminals pour more than 2.5 million liters of diesel oil and other hydrocarbons into the river Lambro, in northern Italy, sparking an environmental disaster), POD (Feast Day of St Isabelle), Slim Shady (International Anosmia Awareness Day) and Witch Doctor (International Polar Bear Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (photo in the paper with FLO). Snatched had also been in the paper, but was not present, so since it was for a code of ethics Crime took the award.

The GM opened for his awards, noting that we can all look after our parents and for some reason straying into Brooklyn teenage girls shopping, where apparently a shop called Screaming Mimis had been the haberdasher of choice for Slim Shady.

The GM asked Witch Doctor to step forward to show off Black Pussy’s shirt that she was wearing, noting that there was a white triangle where the mimi should be. They both took this award as Poumuli explained the reaction of the Moroccan print shop to his request for the embossment.

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Godfather for the Safety Conscious Award for putting on the child safety locks while Titty Galore was in the back seat. Frances stepped in and showed everyone the programme for the Disability Forum, at which she had been told by Poumuli that he would be a speaker. But he was not in the program, yet bullied his way onto the panel and nearly made the moderator cry. In his defence he stated that he thought the lady was deaf and not blind, hence his loud voice, which made it a double.

Speedhumper was then called forth by the GM for causing so much distress in the Tauese area with her stretching mimi exercises. She then demonstrated.
Slim Shady had been concerned for the well being of Lewinsky after the run, to the point of giving him cold compresses and sweet nothings, and gave him the Don’t Die Before The Wife Returns Award.

He also had a Gorgeous Snobs Award (your Scribe had this down as Knobs initially), which went to Titty Galore for only wanting the VIP seats at the circus, and Slim Shady for refusing to frequent Sienna’s due to the faeces on the toilet walls. She noted that she had already invited the National Geographic Channel for a tour there.

POD gave a Commiseration Award to Peeping Clam, who was so bored without Noms that she went for a run by herself on Sunday morning. Nelson then tried to get a down down for Lewinsky for his performance at the Sinalei Beach Bash, not knowing that this had been awarded last week, but nevertheless POD scored one for not keeping Lewinsky stiff.

Crime had been our Hare, but was deeply unhappy about the Taula that was on tap, as was your Scribe, so he was given a Grumpy Award which went down at the usual speed. We thanked Nelson as our GM for the evening, and saluted the hosts and hare. Mr Whippy got one for not getting one. We also sang the Hash Anthem for Frances and Slippery who are going back to Tonga to wear black for a year.

Witch Doctor then invited us for a feast of meatballs, pasta, chicken, and schnitzel, as well as the multi-coloured sausages from Speedhumper.

Next week will be hosted by Poumuli, Wahoo and Yahoo at Vaoala.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, February 27, 2017

Hash Run 1870

Apologies for the late post but tonight's Hash will be hosted by Witch Doctor at Nafanua Steakhouse on Beach Road. She will cater the event so just bring your 20 tala Hash Cash. Run starts at 6 PM or 1800 hours.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, February 24, 2017

Hash Trash 1869

The Hash was hosted by Karaoke and Eveready at their place in Lotopa. As ever, it was a Pink Run, and fearful hashers arrived under the cloud of a threatened spanking by Karaoke for not complying with this stricture. Announcing that this would be an A to B run, Eveready extended that fearfulness. Lewinsky arrived with his cattle truck and we all mounted up. Now bear in mind that this had been a wet day, and we were grateful that the weather had held in Lotopa. Yet we descended into wet despair as Lewinsky drove us straight into the rainclouds. He took us past the sports grounds where it was drizzling, and all the way past the gaol to the Tafaigata dump, where it was indeed raining cats and dogs. The runners were let off here, while the walkers were taken back to more clement climes. So we trudged off on the road home, all knowing exactly where we were and how far we had to go. Finally back home, we drowned our thirst with Godfather’s cold moist nuts.

POD as GM called for the newbies of which there were none. The retreads were Slippery (away for 20 months, now in Tonga), Frances (been working while Slippery slipped off as home dad), Prince (skiing in Switzerland), Ring Ring (being lazy) and Speedhumper (been here but single).
Witch Doctor was appointed Shoe Inspector, and lasered in on Wahoo. Despite the Scribe’s assurance that she has drunk from them already, the honour went to Poumuli as she is preggers. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (being on TV for the church service) and Captain Mortein (for spotting it, no doubt brushing up on his ecclesiastical edification).

This day in history awards went to The Margarets Gagging Diva and Screamer (1472 – Orkney and Shetland are pawned by Norway to Scotland in lieu of a dowry for Margaret of Denmark), Jessica as the nicest person in Hash (Random Acts of Kindness Day) and Il Capo (International Mother Language Day).

The GM turned to the festivities at Sinalei past Sunday, and noted some great and poor performances. She pulled out Gagging Diva, Frances and Lewinsky for the good, and Sassygirl BJ for her poledancing.

Turning to the run, there had been comments about parents letting their kids ride in Lewinsky’s salmonella truck, with one hasher being overly glad that it was his wife’s idea, so he couldn’t be blamed – this one went to Snatched.
Then it was Mr Whippy, exceptional in his pink running vest, last here then first back. There had also been complaints that the ride out had seen us stuck behind a septic truck, when a bit of gas could have seen us ahead at the outset. Since Lewinsky was having enough, the GM used a bit of Aussie slang, septic tank – yank – thus Bitt.

On the run we had gone past the gaol, but no one had suggested going to visit Bad Investment. Well we couldn’t have anyhow. Anyway this one went to Crime.

Turning to nominations, Il Capo had been in line to pay hash cash when she overheard Titty Galore re-checking a hash mere’s name as Gagging Vagina. Lewinsky then nominated Godfather for the great function on Sunday, a respectable one deserving a respectable down-down. Godfather thanked the Hash for its support.

Sassy wanted the owners of the dog-like animals that had attacked her upon arrival rewarded, but in targeting Eveready was informed that they belonged to Karaoke, who was dragged from the kitchen. Sassy also nominated the Hansen’s – namely Pirate Princess and Princess Tiger for winning consecutive draws at the prize at Sinalei – bribery and corruption.

Eveready told us that he had gone to his farm to pick some avocadoes, but had cut his finger. He had called Karaoke to check whether there were band-aids on hand, and she asked, had he cut the (w)hole finger – no the one next to it. Karaoke got the Censored Award.

Poumuli had been playing in the water with Yahoo at Sinalei, when a couple of Hash Meres had assigned him babysitting duties for their delightful sprogs. Yes indeed, and they had proceeded to attempt to drown him. Snatched challenged that  Poumuli was too weak to counter some four year old girls – but these are Samoan girls. Pirate Princess and Snatched took the Frankensprog Award, joined by weakling Poumuli.

This was Nom Nom’s last run at Apia Hash, so we need a new Hare-raiser. Godfather averred that he would do it but has no hair, so a respectable glass was given to Nom Nom. Prince joined for cheering on Daz. This was followed by the Hash Anthem and Goodbye My Feleni. Sassy then nominated Speedhumper for the most colourful motions during the Hash Anthem and Gagging Diva for a move that looked like an NFL touchdown move.

We saluted the Hosts and the Hare, Karaoke, Eveready and Lewinsky for the run, then those not wearing pink (they all got a spank) – Jessica, Prince, StrapOn.

A feast of pork awaited us, with some crackling that was beyond belief.
No host yet for next week so watch the blog and Facebook.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Hash Run 1869

Monday's Hash will be hosted by Eveready and Karaoke at their home in Lotopa. Take the airport road, first turn after the great big Mormon pile, Strickland brothers sign, then look for a cake shop on the left, turn left straight after, not into.

It will be a pink run!

Bring your 20 tala hash cash and enjoy, We will start the run at 6 given this godforsaken daylight savings time crap.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1868

This epic Hash was hosted by StrapOn with Nom Nom and Peeping Clam.  It was a live-hare run given that AC/DC had once again cancelled at the last minute. Nom Nom gave some cryptic instructions as to the general route. We did not yet know that they had scouted it using Skyeye. Fairly mundane trot then up the Cross Island Road to the corner of Ray’s Taxis. Mundane but very much uphill! At the corner the walkers were given the choice of a return straight back or a yomp through the Stevenson’s Museum garden. The runners went down to the Vaoloa water works, and were assured that the path by the river would eventually get to an open gate. It wasn’t so much as an open gate but a gaping hole in the undergrowth. As we prepared to cross the river, a bemused local woman was bathing her little boy and washing clothes on the other side. Again we were assured that the road did lead somewhere, but Godfather had second thoughts about Nom Nom’s intention to cross the next ridge. Having ascertained that we could cross below the next set of houses, some of us abandoned the hare-brained idea to climb up the new feeder pipe. It basically went straight up! Stories were later told of near death moments, but the length those hasher s actually ran, 8.1 km and mostly uphill rates it as even grittier than the worst Pussysnatcher ever took us through. The Godfather led runners were guided across a deep ford, but we got to see a marvellous waterfall and have now found a way to set a new trail. We came out on the road that goes past Samoa Butchers, and then on home. Godfather’s nuts were most welcome.

POD as GM called the circle together. Newbies to Hash was Mark, brought by Rachel (palagi with an office in Samoa). The retreads were Matt & Nat (returnees, stuck in Oz), Silent But Deadly (in Oz), Eveready and Karaoke (in Vegas!) and Rachel (in Oz). They were joined by a representative of Sinalei (the name of Eveready’s granddaughter) – Godfather.
The GM asked Rachel how many runs she had missed – enough runs to forget about the glasses on her head apparently. StrapOn was also called in for missing the retreads – he had been making sure someone got married.

Celebrity Awards went to Il Capo (for her race photo) and Poumuli (useless in gathering celebrities).

This Day in History Awards went to POD (1990 – Carmen Lawrence becomes the first female Premier in Australian history when she becomes Premier of Western Australia), Screamer (1994 – Four thieves break into the National Gallery of Norway and steal Edvard Munch's iconic painting The Scream), Lewinsky (1999 – United States President Bill Clinton is acquitted by the United States Senate in his impeachment trial), Crime (2008 – Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd makes a historic apology to the Indigenous Australians and the Stolen Generations), Nom Nom (World Day of the Sick), and Eveready and Karaoke (Valentine’s Day).

Shoe Inspector Il Capo made a beeline for Peeping Clam and Eveready who were guilty as charged. Turning to the run, Lewinsky had been a knight in shining armour trying to rescue POD – er POD’s watch. Eveready gave him a new naughty shot glass. He was joined by StrapOn for a respectable one for the run that we had all, er, enjoyed.

Also on the run there had been a a bit of a wardrobe malfunction, with Peeping Clam playing a bit of peek-a-boo, commando style. She was joined by Il Capo who had helpfully declaimed that we were all going to die.

Il Capo rejoindered that this had been a run for heroes, and that the superheroes Peeping Clam and POD should get an award. Nom Nom then started a convoluted tale of Lewinsky, calling to him that his girlfriend was weeping, apparently while swinging from the branches (not clear who was swinging). Eveready opined that he would have cried if Karaoke was weeping. In any event it was decided that Nom Nom, Weeping Clam and Lewinsky should take this one.

We had not seen Eveready for 6 weeks, so when images appeared on Facebook of their stay in Vegas, with Eveready basically draped in a young lady of no bra, which Cougar showed to her mother in law, who responded why-does-Karaoke-have-no-clothes-on, resulted in so much hilarity that Karaoke had to re-enact it.

Witch Doctor nominated Mark for leaning, and Rachel for not telling him the rules. Nom Nom nomnominated Gagging Diva for doing the longest run ever, and that she had to drink 4 glasses of water after. Poumuli said that in that case Lewinsky should join as he had had to drink 8 glasses of water. So it was.
Sassygirl BJ nominated Silent But Deadly for just sitting there quietly after the run, 1000 mile stare in amazement, living up to hash name. Sassy also nominated persistent promising leaver Sunny Side Up.

Il Capo nominated Mr Whippy for cutting the trail, while Witch Doctor nominated Poumuli for working with some guy who decided to visit Bad Investment in gaol. Poumuli suggested, and got, the inclusion of Lewinsky in this, as he needs to be in jail.

Sassy brought in Titty Galore for complaining that she was not getting any exercise, yet she was motoring away in the run. She also brought in those yet sans down down – Jessica, Witch Doctor, Pirate Princess and Sassy.

StrapOn had been in Suva, and had earlier discussed going to Hash there with Poumuli, but his emailed directions arrived a day late. Accepting, Poumuli countered that it was down to StrapOn’s piss-poor email service.
Not being exactly sure of the translation here, but last week Il Capo had gotten terribly drunk, and Crime had caught a crab, possibly for her, that somehow was then stuck in the toilet. Witch Doctor then called for a Hash Blessing for Poumuli and Wahoo, for her expectancy.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Eveready and Karaoke – PINK RUN.

We saluted the hosts and hare and enjoyed some stir-fried cat from Sunrise.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, February 13, 2017

Hash Run 1868

Malo Hashers

Tonight's run will be hosted by Strap-On, Peeping Clam and myself at Strap-on and Tina's house in Papauta (on the road of the soap factory). The run could get a little wet so maybe bring a change. Meat-loving and vegetarian options will be provided.

This will be my last chance to host before I leave Samoa for at least 18 months so I'd love to see you all there.

We'll be looking for a new hare-raiser!

Run starts at 6pm sharp - don't forget your hash cash! 



Monday, February 06, 2017

Hash Trash 1866

An epic Hash requires epic words to describe it, and we in the Hash have the best words, believe me. All others are total losers. So the Hash was hosted by Swinger, great guy, Godfather, staunch man, and Nelson, someone you can hang with. All solid Hashers. They follow me on Twitter. The run was set against a vast clearing sky over the sports grounds, and with the still hot sun baking the humidity up into the multiple hundreds – it was yuge. The pack went out left and after finding the first false trail, turned right past the fire station and the horse races. These are the best horses, you can ride them, you can pet the horses, you can grab them by the horses. Following the road on, at the t-junction by the golf course we had a false trail to the left, and the trail went right. Hitting the main road at the top, there was again a false trail towards Tradition Resort, with the real trail going towards the Head of State’s house. Never met him, have never heard of him. While some runners thought the trail would head up the river, and ran too far, POD found the trail leading into the old livestock track. This was an uphill muddy track that soon took on riparian qualities, given the overflowing waterfall. Soon we were ankle deep in a mixture of run-off water and cowdung, and then all of a sudden the trail took an even steeper turn up a hillock. At the halfway point there was a horse tethered, in the same way that most Samoan dogs are “secured” on their properties – there was a rope around its neck that was not fastened to anything. It became more and more feisty and agitated as the pack passed, and obviously wanted its horse to be grabbed. Under a fallen tree trunk, and up and over the hill, we entered  some sort of Water Board facility, but it was easy to spot that it was out the bottom gate and downhill towards the sports fields again. Nice to come back to the house for Godfather’s cool refreshing nuts. He has the best nuts. The most refreshing nuts. I would date his nuts.

POD was GM, fruitlessly trying to persuade others to take a turn. She invited the newbies to step forward and these were Bitta (intern at MoH) brought by someone called Darrel, and Davina (at Ministry of Commerce) brought by Gagging Diva. Nom Nom then took the Name Recognition Award.

Retreads were Il Capo and Angry Bird (Italy), Potu (at his other home), Jessica (food poisoning), Swingmother (felt like she died for the last 12 months) and Captain Mortein tried to hide away so received a righteous serving of down down.

Shoe Inspector Jessica nearly failed, until Captain Mortein accused Swinger of having new shoes. Indeed he did have new shoes, but he hasn’t worn them to Hash yet, thus a false accusation and the start of a long evening for the Captain.

Celebrity Awards went to Davina and Screamer (for being in the paper for Oz Day), Cockblocker (headline proclaiming that a woman had sliced off her lover’s manhood with a sickle), Mr Whippy (story in paper about computer training) and Swinger and Slim Shady for not being in the paper.

This Day In History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1959 – MS Hans Hedtoft, said to be the safest ship afloat and "unsinkable" like the RMS Titanic, strikes an iceberg on her maiden voyage and sinks, killing all 95 aboard – Danish construction), Poumuli for Gayboy (1967 – The United States, United Kingdom, and Soviet Union sign the Outer Space Treaty in Washington, D.C., banning deployment of nuclear weapons in space, and limiting use of the Moon and other celestial bodies to peaceful purposes – no explosions around Uranus), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: On American television, U.S. President Bill Clinton denies having had "sexual relations" with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky), Tall Story (Australia Day) and Mr Whippy (Data Privacy Day).

Turning to the run, the GM had seen a lot of animal interactions, particularly the horse, which had been calm until Il Capo touched it. Whence upon it attacked Mr Whippy. But then he also fended off 5 dogs by himself. She also awarded two front  running bastards for not finding the false trail – CB and Prue.

Opening for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick to announce the Valet Parker of the Year, who had blocked all other cars. But then, thinking about it she was sure it was the bitching wives that had caused it, and gave the award to Pirate Princess and Wahoo.
Next, Sassy was appalled that instead of looking out for Titty Galore getting welts from insect bites, but focussing instead of such welts increasing her bosom size, Godfather was given the I’m Proud Of You Award.

The GM had an award from last week, as Nom Nom had said he couldn’t come on the run, but they had run past his house where he was having a beer on the deck. He tried to explain but failed. Il Capo had been shocked on the run, first of all by Lewinsky running, but also that he had touched the GM’s bum. POD took this with good grace, showing of said derriere.
Screamer had had some difficulty parking, and blamed this on improper gardening by Swinger, which became Inadequate Shaving of the Bush Award.

The Mad Monk of Apia Hash then appeared out of the blue, and called forth a lady proficient in sharp things, cutting and stitching. Henceforth, Malu will be known as Snip & Tuck.
She then called forth a lady who even in the cold air conditioning, as well as elsewhere, compromises the Samoan heat by wearing short stuff – and being unable to find the clam sanctuary on the south side. Henceforth, Prue will be known as Peeping Clam.

Latecummers Witch Doctor and Black Pussy got their down downs, and Nelson nominated Captain Mortein for offering to paint the house, great guy that he is, but that he painted around the photos and paintings. He had also offered to build some new frames, but these had the screws visibly sticking out. Respectable one for Not Bob The Builder.

CB then nominated Poumuli for giving the Hash food poisoning two weeks ago. He followed up by inviting Hash to the Samoa Voyaging Society do on Thursday at the Club X. Sassy announced that there was also some old stock of shirts for sale to support Queen Bee, while Godfather announced that it was Sinalei’s 21st anniversary and that there would be a Sunday beach bash for 20 tala.

The Hares and Hosts were saluted before we ate a lot of pizza, sausages and bbq.

Next week’s Hash will be at AC/DC’s in Moamoa.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, January 30, 2017

Hash Run 1866

Malo Hashers

This week's run will be hosted by Godfather, Swinger and Nelson at Swinger's house in Suisega.

The house is opposite the tuanaimato cricket oval. A map can be seen below.

The following week will be hosted by AC/DC.

Run starts at 6pm sharp! Don't forget your hash cash! 



Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Hash Trash 1864

The Hash was hosted in Vaoala by Poumuli, Wahoo, Yahoo, Snatched and Toa, with Pussysnatcher as lead Hare. We had not announced this ahead of time so that we would have sufficient numbers for the run! When the trail had been scouted it had been a clear day, but after two days of downpour the plans were in jeopardy. But Pussysnatcher was so enthusiastic we went ahead and set the trail, which would be known as “Hold onto a tree for dear life”. The runners set out on the access road above the house and entered the deep forest. The Hares had cut back as much as possible, while leaving trees for handholds, but there was a lot of sliding, rockfalls and general hubbub as the pack descended towards the river. A false trail led up towards two minor waterfalls, then the pack continued down river and crossed twice before emerging through the bushes at the bottom of Bank Street. Most avoided the second false trail, but it is certainly also worth exploring for future trails. Some over-keen runners then went down towards SPREP and up again past Mynas, with the rest staggering in for some of Godfather’s cool refreshing nuts.

POD as our GM called the circle to order and invited the newbies to introduce themselves. These were Hetti from Sweden, Dean from New Orleans who came with Uncle Swinger, and Lola from Pago brought by Godfather and Titty Galore. Poumuli got an immediate Cunning Linguist Impersonator Award for greeting Hetti in loud Swedish.

The retreads were Do Me Twice (trying to wean her family off her), Chez (waiting for weaning), Nelson (in Oz), Swinger (in Oz), Spellcheck (migrated), Stewart (aliens), Pussysnatcher (NZ) and Crime (I couldn’t hear him so lets say Tafaigata).

Shoe inspector was not needed to be appointed as Nelson’s new boots were so glaring. Poumuli noted that this was a family with long Hash experiences, so how come Nelson didn’t know this rule, and was rewarded by Swinger joining Nelson.

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (maid of honour) and Cockblocker (in paper with Moana).
This Day in History Awards went to Hetti from Sweden (1814 – Treaty of Kiel: Frederick VI of Denmark cedes Norway to Sweden in return for Pomerania), Lola from Pago (1900 – The United States Senate accepts the Anglo-German treaty of 1899 in which the United Kingdom renounces its claims to the Samoan islands), Cockblocker (1917 – The United States pays Denmark $25 million for the Virgin Islands), Witch Doctor (1938 – Norway claims Queen Maud Land in Antarctica), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: Matt Drudge breaks the story of the Bill Clinton–Monica Lewinsky affair on his Drudge Report website), Gayboy (Feast of the Ass), Pussysnatcher (Feast Day of St Paul the Hermit) and StrapOn (International Fetish Day).

The GM had some doozy awards, starting with StrapOn for dobbing himself in via Facebook for the Tooth Fairy Fail Award, made respectful for trying to explain to child that the Tooth Fairy’s GPS wasn’t working.

Turning to Godfather, who had been presented with some fish by Titty G, and presuming them dead he proceeded to clean them when lo and behold one swam away – a Lazarus Fish Award for Godfather. Then there was a congratulatory award for Gayboy for coming 4th in the Army of Two competition.

Turning to the run, there had been complaints of excessive environmental destruction and deforestation on the part of some runners. While directed at Sassygirl BJ and Godfather, it became clear that all the runners had in some part contributed.

Thus the GM turned to Slim Shady for her posting of her eyebrow extensions, er, eyelash extensions, and for her sexy new outfit.

Opening up for nominations, Gagging Diva had asked Nom Nom why he was turning down the offer of a beer. He had a fever. What kind of fever? Beaver fever! Sassy then nominated CB for the Unhygiene Award for washing his underarms in the pool and blocking the pump. Sassy also nominated Poumuli for the selective deck washing with the water blaster.

Clark accused Pussysnatcher and Cockblocker for not taking the road less travelled, in that they had ended up below rather than above Mynas, and as the GM had said that those runners were hardcore, a Softcore Award went to PS and CB.

Sassy also nominated Black Pussy for not only running in jandals but for chariot riding with Malu and Crime. DMT nominated Chez for being a born and bred Hash Mere, as she had recounted a story from her youth whereby she would sit under the keg and grab the drips.

Poumuli had been asked to get a football shirt for Black Pussy and had located a Palestine soccer shirt in Morocco. However they refused to print Black Pussy on it, so he had to take it to the US for printing. After all that she is still not wearing it to Hash. Coz I am too fat! Both took this down down.
Slim Shady made the announcement regarding Leilani Jackson’s fundraiser for cancer in April and encouraged donations.

The Hares and Hosts were saluted, and a whole lot of goulash was consumed.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit