The Hash was hosted by Nom Nom and Peeping Clam at the
Yellow Collective in Motootua. A nice day for a run set on flour, and we had
been spared the rain splattering it everywhere. It was on out the gate and down
to the Beach Road, then a circle around the Leone Bridge construction, with a
straight back run via the Hospital Road. Godfather had again provided us access
to his sweet cool nuts, but they seem to be getting smaller by the day.
POD was our GM as usual, and called the newbies forward, and
they were legion: Genora (SPREP intern), Gareth (WIBDI), Heather, Ziyun (SPREP
intern), Gavin (Scot med student), James (med student), Bridget (CI), Tibo
(France) and Malia (Samoa). Down downs were given Crown of Thorns and
Cockblocker for forgotten names.
The retreads were Do Me Twice (following dreams), Poumuli
(climate changing), Crown of Thorns (stuck in Waiheke), Nom Nom (embezzling
Nepal) and Cockblocker (busy not working). Screamer was appointed Shoe
Inspector, and made a valiant attempt but failed. She was joined by Tibo for
smoking in the circle.
Celebrity Awards went to Strap On for numerous photos in the
paper, and Lewinsky for the similarities to Trump’s current ails.
This Day in History Awards went to POD (491 – Empress Ariane
marries Anastasius I. The widowed Augusta is able to choose her successor for
the Byzantine throne, after Zeno (late emperor) dies of dysentery), James the
med (844 – Battle of Clavijo: The Apostle Saint James the Greater is said to
have miraculously appeared to a force of outnumbered Asturians and aided them
against the forces of the Emir of Cordoba), Cunning Linguist (1568 – Dutch
rebels led by Louis of Nassau, defeat Jean de Ligne, Duke of Arenberg, and his
loyalist troops in the Battle of Heiligerlee, opening the Eighty Years' War),
Nom Nom (1840 – The transportation of British convicts to the New South Wales
colony is abolished), Slim Shady (1936 – Sada Abe is arrested after wandering
the streets of Tokyo for days with her dead lover's severed genitals in her
handbag. Her story soon becomes one of Japan's most notorious scandals), Do Me
Twice (1953 – Jackie Cochran becomes the first woman to break the sound barrier),
Il Capo (1992 – Italy's most prominent anti-mafia judge Giovanni Falcone, his
wife and three body guards are killed by the Corleonesi clan with a half-ton
bomb near Capaci, Sicily. His friend and colleague Paolo Borsellino will be
assassinated less than two months later, making 1992 a turning point in the
history of Italian Mafia prosecutions), Lewinsky (1998 – A U.S. federal judge
rules that U.S. Secret Service agents can be compelled to testify before a
grand jury concerning the Lewinsky scandal involving President Bill Clinton)
and Crown of Thorns (International Day for Biological Diversity).
Turning to celebrations, Poumuli had his on a plane, and was
joined by Cunning Linguist and Snip & Tuck for their recent engagement
(please not another Hash Wedding like Ali Bin Shaggin!)
Location - Go on the road to Mailelani Soap Factory/Le Petite Cafe, the house will be the second on your right with the white deck in the front.
Theme: Sa Moana Folau. Protecting the Mountains to the Oceans. So dress up as a character representing the Forests or the Ocean. If can combine both you will get a prize! Those not in costume will need to sing a song from Moana the cartoon.
Hash Run 1876 is
kindly hosted by Lewinsky and POD at Tameasina. You go towards Tameasina Island
Resort and straight after you take the turn from the Main East Costal Road, you
take a right at the 1st right fork in the road, and then the 1st left.
Bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala, and some swimmies if you want to have a dip after the run.
The Hash was hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva inside the
Keil compound in Motootua. We were back to normal time, so it was a relatively
cool afternoon. The run went out the gate and up Cross Island Road, then
turning right onwards past the hospital. Almost at the bottom, we realised we
had no trail, and cut back up to find the trail cutting back to the Cross
Island Road. The trail then headed over towards NUS, and cut back to the broken
bridge – then it was on home up the Cross Island Road.
POD was our GM as usual, and she called for those new to
Hash to step forward. These were Luca (but friends of Crown of Thorns) and
Eric, brought by Cockblocker. Alex came
to Hash because he lives there, while Sam and Morgan had been brought by Prue.
Peeping Clam and CB took one each.
The retreads were Slim Shady (drinking rum), Ring Ring
(busy), Snip & Tuck (snipping and tucking).
This Day in History Awards went to Slim Shady (1917 – The
United States takes possession of the Danish West Indies after paying $25
million to Denmark, and renames the territory the United States Virgin Islands),
CB (1947 – The only mutiny in the history of the Royal New Zealand Navy begins),
Alex (1981 – U.S. President Ronald Reagan is shot outside a Washington, D.C.,
hotel by John Hinckley, Jr.; three others are wounded in the same incident), Lewinsky
(2002 – Monica Lewinsky, no longer bound by the terms of her immunity agreement,
appeared in the HBO special, "Monica in Black and White", part of the
America Undercover series. In it she answered a studio audience's questions
about her life and the Clinton affair) and Lewinsky (2004 – Google announces
Gmail to the public).
Celebrity Awards went to Il Capo (present at the Vavu wreck
scene), Peeing Clam for Sassygirl BJ (twice in the paper), Poumuli (Ele
fundraising) and Godfather (story about Poutasi).
Shoe Inspector Screamer at first was told to look at Snip
& Tuck but this was a false accusation as verified by Screamer, so Ring
Ring took the down down. Turning to the GM’s nominations Slim Shady was
anonymously nominated for sharing the chips with her breasts. A discombobulated
Godfather asked “what was wrong with that?” Gagging Diva was nominated for
seeing phantom dogs and ninja bombs. Morgan was asked if she was half in the
circle, as she had been doing a yoga pose the whole time – she did the Yoga
Award doing the same pose.
Il Capo nominated the GM, for usually being in front and
talking a lot of bla bla. Poumuli noted that it was the Year of the Rooster,
which CB had on his t-shirt and is the birth year of Alex as well, so a
Cockfight Award was given to both of them.
Slim Shady nominated Poumuli for the Shitty Recommendation
Award for advising her to bring rice and beans to Cuba, where they instead
ogled her phone and other accoutrements. Poumuli nominated StrapOn for making
fun of his needing a strap on, but both got this one, erm, Lewinsky was
whipping boy for StrapOn.
Peeping Clam nominated Poumuli for not picking out Gagging
Diva in the Celebrity Awards, nor Cunning Linguist for the many Tokelau
stories, and Snatched was added in as a Media rep, which Alex took.
Next week’s run is at Taumeasina for Lewinsky’s birthday.
Easter Hash will be somewhere on the South Side care of Godfather and Titty
Godfather also recounted the story of Kamaka – the legendary
ukulele maker from Hawaii, who was a leper, which is where Godfather got his
ukulele from. He is now opening a ukulele factory in Poutasi, using all local
materials except the strings (er, wait, what about cat gut?).
The Hares and Hosts were saluted before we had the first
ever all vegetarian Hash meal.
Monday's run will be hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva off Cross Island Road in Motootua. Directly opposite Scallini restaurant, and if coming from town just before Insel Fehmarn Hotel. There are two
entrances. If you take the first one, head down the driveway and turn right
when it splits into three. Park in front of the house in the back corner
(Gagging Diva's house). You can also take the second entrance which will bring
you to Screamer's house and there is a bit of parking there too. Hash will be
held on the tennis court in the middle of the compound. Map attached.
NOTE: Food will be vegetarian
We will be back to normal time so run will start at 17.30 or 5.30 PM. Bring your 20 tala Hash Cash and enjoy a new venue for our runs.
The Hash was again hosted at Nafanua restaurant by Witch
Doctor and Black Pussy. POD was the de facto live hare and took us on a run out
back up to Leififi, across towards the UN and then back home through Vaiala.
POD was GM, and new to Hash were Tui from NZ and Tavita
(trying to keep up with the ladies, and then advertising – down down). Retreads
were Tua (his dad was an original Hasher – Dr Blunt – brought by someone called
Joe), Jess (watching cows in NZ), Phil (fishing) and of course Godfather joined
for breach of Hash Rules.
Godfather then recounted the fundraiser he and Dr Blunt had
done in the late 70’s running past the soon-to-be-burned to the ground Tivoli
Theatre, and raising some $3000 for a sick child’s medevac by running the
entire island in one day.
Screamer was appointed Shoe Inspector who found Tua’s
spanking new ones. His disbelief lasted until Gayboy filled his shoe, but he
Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady in whose absence Peeping
Clam and latecummer Gayboy partook instead. (The press clipping described the
Shape of Mele’s Quilt – which made the GM gag).
This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (845 – Paris is
sacked by Viking raiders, probably under Ragnar Lodbrok, who collects a huge
ransom in exchange for leaving), Crime (Feast Day of St Dismas the Good Thief),
Screamer (Feast Day of St Margaret Clitherow) and Peeping Clam (International
Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing UN Staff Members).
Turning to the GM Awards, Il Capo has again had the tendency
to run so hard that she gets the shivers and shakes, so a Stress Award. Keeping
on the subject, Il Capo had been talking about her students, and mentioned that
one named Tavita was her stupidest student. Thus for all Tavitas everywhere Tavita
got the Stupid Award.
Driving from home, the GM had passed the UN building and saw
googly eyed Jess run towards Phil, and promptly fell over – Arse over Tit
Award. And also at the UN building, while she and Peeping Clam were going to go
the long way, Tua decided on the shorter route. While Tua was peeing, Tui
helpfully demonstrated how to make him go the long way – by setting off! Tui
got the Well Done Award.
Il Capo nominated Nelson for the Criminal Award as she had
to call him four times to get his Hash Cash. She also nominated Lewinsky for
wearing a sexy skin tight black shirt – Lewinsky joined her in the Helen Keller
Tua then nominated POD, as he had managed to get her number
after 5 minutes of making her acquaintance. Gayboy nominated Lewinsky for being
too cheap to have ready phone credit. Wahoo hadn’t had a down down so Poumuli had to take this.
Hosts and hare were saluted, then we had lots of pizza.
Next week will be hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva in
Motootua, and we will be back to 5.30
The Hash was hosted at Nafanua restaurant by Witch Doctor
and Black Pussy. Cockblocker was chosen as the live hare and took us on a yomp
along the sea wall to Mulinuu and back. Nuff said, it was hot.
POD was GM, and there were no newbies. Retreads were
Sassygirl BJ (off to look for rich men), Lambada and Pavarotti (here ten years
ago, back for a break), and Cunning (trying to sort out the son and the man).
Shoe inspection failed.
This Day in History Awards went to Sassy (1963: Alcatraz
closes), Poumuli (1978: First UNIFIL deployment in Lebanon), POD (International
Day of Happiness), Cunning Linguist (1602: Dutch East India Company
established), Godfather (1727: Isaac Newton dies), and Lewinsky (St Patrick’s
Day – he drove the snakes out of Ireland).
Celebrity Awards went
to Crime (Sheraton paddle race), Il Capo and Peeping Clam (Mt Vaea run).
Turning to the GM Awards, Lewinsky had gotten home late, and
no one was ready to go to Hash, when his daughter said “don’t rush me, genius
takes time”. Then a Party Pooper Award with Ireland raining on England’s rugby
parade – Gagging Diva.
Birthday Awards went to CB and Swinger, the latter accepted
by Cunning Linguist. Finally, it was a sad day for the music world, with the
death of Chuck Berry. Godfather was asked to play one of his tunes. Poumuli
helpfully pointed out the details of the scandal that Berry had been involved
in, taking pictures with a spy cam of ladies urinating, surely Peeping Clam.
They both took the award to the sounds of Johnny B Goode.
Opening up for nominations, and Sassy was rearing to go. She
nominated Mr Whippy for Dedication to Hash – he had come late because he had
run from home, then gone on the run trailing the Hashers. Il Capo nominated
Pavarotti and Lambada for having been away too long and forgetting about the
leaning rule. Witch Doctor was added in for having a faulty tree that needed
Pavarotti will be leaving again soon, but he demonstrated
the origin of his Hash name with a belting rendition of O Sole Mio. Poumuli
nominated Sassy for eating her way through New Zealand, as per her Facebook
Poumuli tried to nominate Lewinsky, then had to justify this
with a rationale, it being that Lewinsky had ably defused the kerfuffle between
the Hash sprogs and the local boys. Both got it. StrapOn upped the ante by
reflecting on his Savaii trip where he
had seen the one lorry on the island, dangerously overloaded and unsafe.
Proprietor – one Lewinsky.
Nelson got a down down for the hell of it, before the hosts
and hare were saluted.
We ate a lot of Nafanua meat in gravy with potatoes.
The Hash was hosted by Wahoo, Poumuli and Yahoo at their
place in Vaoala. It was a sunny and hot day, so the run had been set mostly in
the bush. The trail started out behind the house, with a false trail leading up
the hill. The trail then went down a similar path to a previous run but it was
drier so less slippery. That was until Poumuli’s dog Murdoch decided to follow the
pack and throw his 50 kg frame around, causing small avalanches. The trail went
across the river and up to the top of the cattle yards, then followed the ridge
back down to the corner of Bank Street. A gentle road run down the hill, until
the turn and the ford crossing. The trail followed the stream upwards at this
point, with several instances where the trail was the stream. Over a small
bridge and into an abandoned household we took the dirt road up to Bank Street
and on home.
POD was our GM, and called forth the newbies, Erik (brought
by Mr Whippy) and Tom (med student from Wales). The retreads were Snip &
Tuck, Cunning Linguist, Bubbsy and Mertin.
Shoe Inspector Il Capo zeroed in on Cunning Linguist’s new
shiny ones, and he had some tasty river water with the beer.
This Day in History Awards went to Nelson (363 – Roman
Emperor Julian moves from Antioch with an army of 90,000 to attack the Sasanian
Empire, in a campaign which would bring about his own death), Peeping Clam (1941
– World War II: The United Kingdom launches Operation Claymore on the Lofoten Islands;
the first large scale British Commando raid), Screamer (1986 – The Australia
Act 1986 commences, causing Australia to become fully independent from the
United Kingdom), Gagging Diva (2005 – Margaret Wilson is elected as Speaker of
the New Zealand House of Representatives, beginning a period lasting until
August 23, 2006 where all the highest political offices (including Elizabeth II
as Head of State), were occupied by women, making New Zealand the first country
for this to occur) and Witch Doctor (World Wildlife Day).
Celebrity Awards went to Pussysnatcher (Snatched in the
paper) and Il Capo (also in paper). Speaking of new shoes cleaned by river
water, the GM called forth StrapOn to show off the barbed wire stuck in his
shoe. Cunning Linguist attempted to defray this as a false accusation but
On the run, Crime had been swinging from the lianas as the
Apeman himself, only to fall arse over tit as it ripped. An Almost Tarzan Award
from Cunning Linguist. Sassygirl BJ was absent, but while Marco Polo was in
hospital she had visited and also entertained the kids there with some pole
dancing! Pirate Princess and other close supporter Il Capo received this one.
Godfather commented that he had been asking at what age should breast feeding
stop – NEVER!
The GM congratulated Witch Doctor for hosting the Norwegian
Deputy Foreign Minister, and asked if meatballs was on the menu. Turning back
to the run, the hares were nominated for attempted murder on Godfather and the
near crippling of StrapOn. This was narrowed down to the dog owner, so bastard
Lewinsky gave him a respectable one.
Witch Doctor nominated Lewinsky for not helping POD down the
hill, merely cooing “slide down, wifey”. She also added Gagging Diva who always
helps POD and Mertin for not helping at all. Cunning Linguist was then asked to
explain what he had been telling the kids, something about “I have big thumbs
that go in small holes”.
Il Capo nominated Godfather for offering to wash her bum,
and Black Pussy for suggesting she should get a name change to Black Bummy.
Godfather was ok with the nomination, but noted that all the Meres had forgot
rule number 7 on health and safety, that the most effective cure for bruised
ribs was a blowjob. No one had administered this as he lay gasping after his
fall which had been caused by Il Capo’s derriere. This caused way too much
laughter, so Il Capo and Black Pussy took the award.
Nelson, astounded of this behaviour in a Welshman, nominated
Tom for sitting on his glass, and Peeping Clam for bad training. StrapOn
nominated Hash businessman Lewinsky for being in business with no email
address. This was doubled as wifey had just signed him up on Viber. StrapOn
then expressed his admiration and respect for Lewinsky, and while discussing
the subject had heard Peeping Clam opine that no one enjoyed Hash unless you
disrespected Lewinsky. Poumuli tried to add in Lewinsky but failed.
Gagging Diva attempted a nomination for Bubbsy but failed to
get either real or Hash name right. Nelson nominated Lewinsky for helping out
with the parking, while Wahoo’s birthday down down was taken by Poumuli.
StrapOn nominated Mr Whippy for coming late yet finishing
the run, Captain Mortein for shortcutting and Wahoo’s dad Norman for
The hares and hosts, Pussysnatcher, Poumuli and Wahoo were
saluted, amidst murmurs that Pussysnatcher should be certified as a weapon of
run destruction. We then feasted on all sorts of curry and homemade roti.
Monday's Hash will be hosted by Wahoo, Poumuli and Yahoo at their place in Vaoala. Take Cross Island Road past Mynas, then take a right on Bank Street. Follow Bank Street until it dips down sharply, and take the left onto Atoa Avenue - there is a sign up on the light pole. The house is the last on the right at the top before the great gates.
The hosts will cater, so bring your 20 tala Hash Cash for the keg, and swimwear if you want to take a dip in the pool after the run. Run starts at 1800 hours or 6 PM.
The Hash was hosted by Witch Doctor and Black Pussy at
Nafanua Steakhouse. Crime had been bribed into setting the run. It was a rather
hot day in town, but as the trail turned into the back roads, most of us were
melting freely. We ran through the fire station parking lot and they were
helpfully testing their water cannon as well as washing down a parked
fire-truck. Several hashers got the French riot treatment. We turned right on
the first back road, then left again at Pinatis. On we slogged in the wet and
humid and sweaty and dripping heat, passing the original Sunrise Restaurant,
purveyors of fine sweet and sour cat, then another right and left again on the
clocktower road up to the airport road. From thence we shall judge the quicken
and sweaty, as the trail then led up to Rokos, and off over to the Cross Island
Road. The human hashers ran straight back from there, while the super-wenches
ran over to the UN and then back along Beach Road. Oh lord those nuts tasted
Nelson was dobbed in as GM to a sitting circle. There were
no newbies, but the retreads were Slim Shady, Nelson and Black Pussy. Screamer
was appointed Shoe Inspector, and Godfather brought forth his new work shoes on
the off chance that he may need to use them for Hash. Screamer joined him for
her efficient persuasion in convincing Titty Galore for giving up the goods on
This day in History Awards went to Titty Galore (1692 –
Sarah Good, Sarah Osborne and Tituba are brought before local magistrates in
Salem Village, Massachusetts, beginning what would become known as the Salem
witch trials), Poumuli for Yahoo (1995 – Yahoo! is incorporated), Lewinsky (for
his godfather - 2003 – The International Criminal Court holds its inaugural
session in The Hague), Il Capo (2010 – Unknown criminals pour more than 2.5
million liters of diesel oil and other hydrocarbons into the river Lambro, in
northern Italy, sparking an environmental disaster), POD (Feast Day of St
Isabelle), Slim Shady (International Anosmia Awareness Day) and Witch Doctor (International
Polar Bear Day).
Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (photo in the paper with
FLO). Snatched had also been in the paper, but was not present, so since it was
for a code of ethics Crime took the award.
The GM opened for his awards, noting that we can all look
after our parents and for some reason straying into Brooklyn teenage girls
shopping, where apparently a shop called Screaming Mimis had been the
haberdasher of choice for Slim Shady.
The GM asked Witch Doctor to step forward to show off Black
Pussy’s shirt that she was wearing, noting that there was a white triangle
where the mimi should be. They both took this award as Poumuli explained the
reaction of the Moroccan print shop to his request for the embossment.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Godfather for
the Safety Conscious Award for putting on the child safety locks while Titty
Galore was in the back seat. Frances stepped in and showed everyone the
programme for the Disability Forum, at which she had been told by Poumuli that
he would be a speaker. But he was not in the program, yet bullied his way onto
the panel and nearly made the moderator cry. In his defence he stated that he
thought the lady was deaf and not blind, hence his loud voice, which made it a
Speedhumper was then called forth by the GM for causing so
much distress in the Tauese area with her stretching mimi exercises. She then
Slim Shady had been concerned for the well being of Lewinsky
after the run, to the point of giving him cold compresses and sweet nothings,
and gave him the Don’t Die Before The Wife Returns Award.
He also had a Gorgeous Snobs Award (your Scribe had this
down as Knobs initially), which went to Titty Galore for only wanting the VIP
seats at the circus, and Slim Shady for refusing to frequent Sienna’s due to
the faeces on the toilet walls. She noted that she had already invited the
National Geographic Channel for a tour there.
POD gave a Commiseration Award to Peeping Clam, who was so
bored without Noms that she went for a run by herself on Sunday morning. Nelson
then tried to get a down down for Lewinsky for his performance at the Sinalei
Beach Bash, not knowing that this had been awarded last week, but nevertheless
POD scored one for not keeping Lewinsky stiff.
Crime had been our Hare, but was deeply unhappy about the
Taula that was on tap, as was your Scribe, so he was given a Grumpy Award which
went down at the usual speed. We thanked Nelson as our GM for the evening, and
saluted the hosts and hare. Mr Whippy got one for not getting one. We also sang
the Hash Anthem for Frances and Slippery who are going back to Tonga to wear
black for a year.
Witch Doctor then invited us for a feast of meatballs,
pasta, chicken, and schnitzel, as well as the multi-coloured sausages from
Next week will be hosted by Poumuli, Wahoo and Yahoo at
Apologies for the late post but tonight's Hash will be hosted by Witch Doctor at Nafanua Steakhouse on Beach Road. She will cater the event so just bring your 20 tala Hash Cash. Run starts at 6 PM or 1800 hours.
The Hash was hosted by Karaoke and Eveready at their place
in Lotopa. As ever, it was a Pink Run, and fearful hashers arrived under the
cloud of a threatened spanking by Karaoke for not complying with this
stricture. Announcing that this would be an A to B run, Eveready extended that
fearfulness. Lewinsky arrived with his cattle truck and we all mounted up. Now
bear in mind that this had been a wet day, and we were grateful that the
weather had held in Lotopa. Yet we descended into wet despair as Lewinsky drove
us straight into the rainclouds. He took us past the sports grounds where it
was drizzling, and all the way past the gaol to the Tafaigata dump, where it
was indeed raining cats and dogs. The runners were let off here, while the
walkers were taken back to more clement climes. So we trudged off on the road
home, all knowing exactly where we were and how far we had to go. Finally back
home, we drowned our thirst with Godfather’s cold moist nuts.
POD as GM called for the newbies of which there were none.
The retreads were Slippery (away for 20 months, now in Tonga), Frances (been
working while Slippery slipped off as home dad), Prince (skiing in
Switzerland), Ring Ring (being lazy) and Speedhumper (been here but single).
Witch Doctor was appointed Shoe Inspector, and lasered in on
Wahoo. Despite the Scribe’s assurance that she has drunk from them already, the
honour went to Poumuli as she is preggers. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli
(being on TV for the church service) and Captain Mortein (for spotting it, no
doubt brushing up on his ecclesiastical edification).
This day in history awards went to The Margarets Gagging
Diva and Screamer (1472 – Orkney and Shetland are pawned by Norway to Scotland
in lieu of a dowry for Margaret of Denmark), Jessica as the nicest person in
Hash (Random Acts of Kindness Day) and Il Capo (International Mother Language
The GM turned to the festivities at Sinalei past Sunday, and
noted some great and poor performances. She pulled out Gagging Diva, Frances
and Lewinsky for the good, and Sassygirl BJ for her poledancing.
Turning to the run, there had been comments about parents
letting their kids ride in Lewinsky’s salmonella truck, with one hasher being
overly glad that it was his wife’s idea, so he couldn’t be blamed – this one
went to Snatched.
Then it was Mr Whippy, exceptional in his pink running vest,
last here then first back. There had also been complaints that the ride out had
seen us stuck behind a septic truck, when a bit of gas could have seen us ahead
at the outset. Since Lewinsky was having enough, the GM used a bit of Aussie
slang, septic tank – yank – thus Bitt.
On the run we had gone past the gaol, but no one had
suggested going to visit Bad Investment. Well we couldn’t have anyhow. Anyway
this one went to Crime.
Turning to nominations, Il Capo had been in line to pay hash
cash when she overheard Titty Galore re-checking a hash mere’s name as Gagging
Vagina. Lewinsky then nominated Godfather for the great function on Sunday, a
respectable one deserving a respectable down-down. Godfather thanked the Hash
for its support.
Sassy wanted the owners of the dog-like animals that had
attacked her upon arrival rewarded, but in targeting Eveready was informed that
they belonged to Karaoke, who was dragged from the kitchen. Sassy also
nominated the Hansen’s – namely Pirate Princess and Princess Tiger for winning
consecutive draws at the prize at Sinalei – bribery and corruption.
Eveready told us that he had gone to his farm to pick some
avocadoes, but had cut his finger. He had called Karaoke to check whether there
were band-aids on hand, and she asked, had he cut the (w)hole finger – no the
one next to it. Karaoke got the Censored Award.
Poumuli had been playing in the water with Yahoo at Sinalei,
when a couple of Hash Meres had assigned him babysitting duties for their
delightful sprogs. Yes indeed, and they had proceeded to attempt to drown him.
Snatched challenged that Poumuli was too
weak to counter some four year old girls – but these are Samoan girls. Pirate
Princess and Snatched took the Frankensprog Award, joined by weakling Poumuli.
This was Nom Nom’s last run at Apia Hash, so we need a new
Hare-raiser. Godfather averred that he would do it but has no hair, so a
respectable glass was given to Nom Nom. Prince joined for cheering on Daz. This
was followed by the Hash Anthem and Goodbye My Feleni. Sassy then nominated
Speedhumper for the most colourful motions during the Hash Anthem and Gagging
Diva for a move that looked like an NFL touchdown move.
We saluted the Hosts and the Hare, Karaoke, Eveready and
Lewinsky for the run, then those not wearing pink (they all got a spank) –
Jessica, Prince, StrapOn.
A feast of pork awaited us, with some crackling that was
No host yet for next week so watch the blog and Facebook.
Monday's Hash will be hosted by Eveready and Karaoke at their home in Lotopa. Take the airport road, first turn after the great big Mormon pile, Strickland brothers sign, then look for a cake shop on the left, turn left straight after, not into.
It will be a pink run!
Bring your 20 tala hash cash and enjoy, We will start the run at 6 given this godforsaken daylight savings time crap.
This epic Hash was hosted by StrapOn with Nom Nom and
Peeping Clam. It was a live-hare run
given that AC/DC had once again cancelled at the last minute. Nom Nom gave some
cryptic instructions as to the general route. We did not yet know that they had
scouted it using Skyeye. Fairly mundane trot then up the Cross Island Road to
the corner of Ray’s Taxis. Mundane but very much uphill! At the corner the
walkers were given the choice of a return straight back or a yomp through the
Stevenson’s Museum garden. The runners went down to the Vaoloa water works, and
were assured that the path by the river would eventually get to an open gate.
It wasn’t so much as an open gate but a gaping hole in the undergrowth. As we
prepared to cross the river, a bemused local woman was bathing her little boy
and washing clothes on the other side. Again we were assured that the road did
lead somewhere, but Godfather had second thoughts about Nom Nom’s intention to
cross the next ridge. Having ascertained that we could cross below the next set
of houses, some of us abandoned the hare-brained idea to climb up the new
feeder pipe. It basically went straight up! Stories were later told of near death
moments, but the length those hasher s actually ran, 8.1 km and mostly uphill
rates it as even grittier than the worst Pussysnatcher ever took us through.
The Godfather led runners were guided across a deep ford, but we got to see a
marvellous waterfall and have now found a way to set a new trail. We came out
on the road that goes past Samoa Butchers, and then on home. Godfather’s nuts
were most welcome.
POD as GM called the circle together. Newbies to Hash was
Mark, brought by Rachel (palagi with an office in Samoa). The retreads were
Matt & Nat (returnees, stuck in Oz), Silent But Deadly (in Oz), Eveready
and Karaoke (in Vegas!) and Rachel (in Oz). They were joined by a
representative of Sinalei (the name of Eveready’s granddaughter) – Godfather.
The GM asked Rachel how many runs she had missed – enough
runs to forget about the glasses on her head apparently. StrapOn was also
called in for missing the retreads – he had been making sure someone got
Celebrity Awards went to Il Capo (for her race photo) and
Poumuli (useless in gathering celebrities).
This Day in History Awards went to POD (1990 – Carmen
Lawrence becomes the first female Premier in Australian history when she becomes
Premier of Western Australia), Screamer (1994 – Four thieves break into the
National Gallery of Norway and steal Edvard Munch's iconic painting The Scream),
Lewinsky (1999 – United States President Bill Clinton is acquitted by the
United States Senate in his impeachment trial), Crime (2008 – Australian Prime
Minister Kevin Rudd makes a historic apology to the Indigenous Australians and
the Stolen Generations), Nom Nom (World Day of the Sick), and Eveready and
Karaoke (Valentine’s Day).
Shoe Inspector Il Capo made a beeline for Peeping Clam and
Eveready who were guilty as charged. Turning to the run, Lewinsky had been a
knight in shining armour trying to rescue POD – er POD’s watch. Eveready gave
him a new naughty shot glass. He was joined by StrapOn for a respectable one
for the run that we had all, er, enjoyed.
Also on the run there had been a a bit of a wardrobe
malfunction, with Peeping Clam playing a bit of peek-a-boo, commando style. She
was joined by Il Capo who had helpfully declaimed that we were all going to
Il Capo rejoindered that this had been a run for heroes, and
that the superheroes Peeping Clam and POD should get an award. Nom Nom then
started a convoluted tale of Lewinsky, calling to him that his girlfriend was
weeping, apparently while swinging from the branches (not clear who was
swinging). Eveready opined that he would have cried if Karaoke was weeping. In
any event it was decided that Nom Nom, Weeping Clam and Lewinsky should take
We had not seen Eveready for 6 weeks, so when images
appeared on Facebook of their stay in Vegas, with Eveready basically draped in
a young lady of no bra, which Cougar showed to her mother in law, who responded
why-does-Karaoke-have-no-clothes-on, resulted in so much hilarity that Karaoke
had to re-enact it.
Witch Doctor nominated Mark for leaning, and Rachel for not
telling him the rules. Nom Nom nomnominated Gagging Diva for doing the longest
run ever, and that she had to drink 4 glasses of water after. Poumuli said that
in that case Lewinsky should join as he had had to drink 8 glasses of water. So
Sassygirl BJ nominated Silent But Deadly for just sitting
there quietly after the run, 1000 mile stare in amazement, living up to hash
name. Sassy also nominated persistent promising leaver Sunny Side Up.
Il Capo nominated Mr Whippy for cutting the trail, while
Witch Doctor nominated Poumuli for working with some guy who decided to visit
Bad Investment in gaol. Poumuli suggested, and got, the inclusion of Lewinsky
in this, as he needs to be in jail.
Sassy brought in Titty Galore for complaining that she was
not getting any exercise, yet she was motoring away in the run. She also
brought in those yet sans down down – Jessica, Witch Doctor, Pirate Princess
StrapOn had been in Suva, and had earlier discussed going to
Hash there with Poumuli, but his emailed directions arrived a day late.
Accepting, Poumuli countered that it was down to StrapOn’s piss-poor email
Not being exactly sure of the translation here, but last
week Il Capo had gotten terribly drunk, and Crime had caught a crab, possibly
for her, that somehow was then stuck in the toilet. Witch Doctor then called
for a Hash Blessing for Poumuli and Wahoo, for her expectancy.
Next week’s run will be hosted by Eveready and Karaoke –
We saluted the hosts and hare and enjoyed some stir-fried
cat from Sunrise.
Tonight's run will be hosted by Strap-On, Peeping Clam and
myself at Strap-on and Tina's house in Papauta (on the road of the soap
factory). The run could get a little wet so maybe bring a change. Meat-loving
and vegetarian options will be provided.
This will be my last chance to host before I leave Samoa for
at least 18 months so I'd love to see you all there.
We'll be looking for a new hare-raiser!
Run starts at 6pm sharp - don't forget your hash cash!
An epic Hash requires epic words to describe it, and we in
the Hash have the best words, believe me. All others are total losers. So the
Hash was hosted by Swinger, great guy, Godfather, staunch man, and Nelson,
someone you can hang with. All solid Hashers. They follow me on Twitter. The
run was set against a vast clearing sky over the sports grounds, and with the
still hot sun baking the humidity up into the multiple hundreds – it was yuge. The
pack went out left and after finding the first false trail, turned right past
the fire station and the horse races. These are the best horses, you can ride
them, you can pet the horses, you can grab them by the horses. Following the
road on, at the t-junction by the golf course we had a false trail to the left,
and the trail went right. Hitting the main road at the top, there was again a
false trail towards Tradition Resort, with the real trail going towards the
Head of State’s house. Never met him, have never heard of him. While some
runners thought the trail would head up the river, and ran too far, POD found
the trail leading into the old livestock track. This was an uphill muddy track
that soon took on riparian qualities, given the overflowing waterfall. Soon we
were ankle deep in a mixture of run-off water and cowdung, and then all of a
sudden the trail took an even steeper turn up a hillock. At the halfway point
there was a horse tethered, in the same way that most Samoan dogs are “secured”
on their properties – there was a rope around its neck that was not fastened to
anything. It became more and more feisty and agitated as the pack passed, and
obviously wanted its horse to be grabbed. Under a fallen tree trunk, and up and
over the hill, we entered some sort of
Water Board facility, but it was easy to spot that it was out the bottom gate
and downhill towards the sports fields again. Nice to come back to the house
for Godfather’s cool refreshing nuts. He has the best nuts. The most refreshing
nuts. I would date his nuts.
POD was GM, fruitlessly trying to persuade others to take a
turn. She invited the newbies to step forward and these were Bitta (intern at
MoH) brought by someone called Darrel, and Davina (at Ministry of Commerce)
brought by Gagging Diva. Nom Nom then took the Name Recognition Award.
Retreads were Il Capo and Angry Bird (Italy), Potu (at his
other home), Jessica (food poisoning), Swingmother (felt like she died for the
last 12 months) and Captain Mortein tried to hide away so received a righteous
serving of down down.
Shoe Inspector Jessica nearly failed, until Captain Mortein
accused Swinger of having new shoes. Indeed he did have new shoes, but he
hasn’t worn them to Hash yet, thus a false accusation and the start of a long
evening for the Captain.
Celebrity Awards went to Davina and Screamer (for being in
the paper for Oz Day), Cockblocker (headline proclaiming that a woman had
sliced off her lover’s manhood with a sickle), Mr Whippy (story in paper about
computer training) and Swinger and Slim Shady for not being in the paper.
This Day In History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1959 –
MS Hans Hedtoft, said to be the safest ship afloat and "unsinkable"
like the RMS Titanic, strikes an iceberg on her maiden voyage and sinks,
killing all 95 aboard – Danish construction), Poumuli for Gayboy (1967 – The
United States, United Kingdom, and Soviet Union sign the Outer Space Treaty in
Washington, D.C., banning deployment of nuclear weapons in space, and limiting
use of the Moon and other celestial bodies to peaceful purposes – no explosions
around Uranus), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: On American television, U.S.
President Bill Clinton denies having had "sexual relations" with
former White House intern Monica Lewinsky), Tall Story (Australia Day) and Mr
Whippy (Data Privacy Day).
Turning to the run, the GM had seen a lot of animal
interactions, particularly the horse, which had been calm until Il Capo touched
it. Whence upon it attacked Mr Whippy. But then he also fended off 5 dogs by
himself. She also awarded two front
running bastards for not finding the false trail – CB and Prue.
Opening for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick to announce
the Valet Parker of the Year, who had blocked all other cars. But then, thinking
about it she was sure it was the bitching wives that had caused it, and gave
the award to Pirate Princess and Wahoo.
Next, Sassy was appalled that instead of looking out for
Titty Galore getting welts from insect bites, but focussing instead of such
welts increasing her bosom size, Godfather was given the I’m Proud Of You
The GM had an award from last week, as Nom Nom had said he
couldn’t come on the run, but they had run past his house where he was having a
beer on the deck. He tried to explain but failed. Il Capo had been shocked on
the run, first of all by Lewinsky running, but also that he had touched the
GM’s bum. POD took this with good grace, showing of said derriere.
Screamer had had some difficulty parking, and blamed this on
improper gardening by Swinger, which became Inadequate Shaving of the Bush
The Mad Monk of Apia Hash then appeared out of the blue, and
called forth a lady proficient in sharp things, cutting and stitching.
Henceforth, Malu will be known as Snip & Tuck.
She then called forth a lady who even in the cold air
conditioning, as well as elsewhere, compromises the Samoan heat by wearing
short stuff – and being unable to find the clam sanctuary on the south side.
Henceforth, Prue will be known as Peeping Clam.
Latecummers Witch Doctor and Black Pussy got their down
downs, and Nelson nominated Captain Mortein for offering to paint the house,
great guy that he is, but that he painted around the photos and paintings. He
had also offered to build some new frames, but these had the screws visibly
sticking out. Respectable one for Not Bob The Builder.
CB then nominated Poumuli for giving the Hash food poisoning
two weeks ago. He followed up by inviting Hash to the Samoa Voyaging Society do
on Thursday at the Club X. Sassy announced that there was also some old stock
of shirts for sale to support Queen Bee, while Godfather announced that it was
Sinalei’s 21st anniversary and that there would be a Sunday beach
bash for 20 tala.
The Hares and Hosts were saluted before we ate a lot of
pizza, sausages and bbq.
The Hash was hosted in Vaoala by Poumuli, Wahoo, Yahoo,
Snatched and Toa, with Pussysnatcher as lead Hare. We had not announced this
ahead of time so that we would have sufficient numbers for the run! When the
trail had been scouted it had been a clear day, but after two days of downpour
the plans were in jeopardy. But Pussysnatcher was so enthusiastic we went ahead
and set the trail, which would be known as “Hold onto a tree for dear life”.
The runners set out on the access road above the house and entered the deep
forest. The Hares had cut back as much as possible, while leaving trees for
handholds, but there was a lot of sliding, rockfalls and general hubbub as the
pack descended towards the river. A false trail led up towards two minor
waterfalls, then the pack continued down river and crossed twice before
emerging through the bushes at the bottom of Bank Street. Most avoided the
second false trail, but it is certainly also worth exploring for future trails.
Some over-keen runners then went down towards SPREP and up again past Mynas, with
the rest staggering in for some of Godfather’s cool refreshing nuts.
POD as our GM called the circle to order and invited the
newbies to introduce themselves. These were Hetti from Sweden, Dean from New
Orleans who came with Uncle Swinger, and Lola from Pago brought by Godfather
and Titty Galore. Poumuli got an immediate Cunning Linguist Impersonator Award
for greeting Hetti in loud Swedish.
The retreads were Do Me Twice (trying to wean her family off
her), Chez (waiting for weaning), Nelson (in Oz), Swinger (in Oz), Spellcheck
(migrated), Stewart (aliens), Pussysnatcher (NZ) and Crime (I couldn’t hear him
so lets say Tafaigata).
Shoe inspector was not needed to be appointed as Nelson’s
new boots were so glaring. Poumuli noted that this was a family with long Hash
experiences, so how come Nelson didn’t know this rule, and was rewarded by
Swinger joining Nelson.
Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (maid of honour) and
Cockblocker (in paper with Moana).
This Day in History Awards went to Hetti from Sweden (1814 –
Treaty of Kiel: Frederick VI of Denmark cedes Norway to Sweden in return for
Pomerania), Lola from Pago (1900 – The United States Senate accepts the
Anglo-German treaty of 1899 in which the United Kingdom renounces its claims to
the Samoan islands), Cockblocker (1917 – The United States pays Denmark $25
million for the Virgin Islands), Witch Doctor (1938 – Norway claims Queen Maud
Land in Antarctica), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: Matt Drudge breaks the
story of the Bill Clinton–Monica Lewinsky affair on his Drudge Report website),
Gayboy (Feast of the Ass), Pussysnatcher (Feast Day of St Paul the Hermit) and
StrapOn (International Fetish Day).
The GM had some doozy awards, starting with StrapOn for
dobbing himself in via Facebook for the Tooth Fairy Fail Award, made respectful
for trying to explain to child that the Tooth Fairy’s GPS wasn’t working.
Turning to Godfather, who had been presented with some fish
by Titty G, and presuming them dead he proceeded to clean them when lo and
behold one swam away – a Lazarus Fish Award for Godfather. Then there was a
congratulatory award for Gayboy for coming 4th in the Army of Two
Turning to the run, there had been complaints of excessive
environmental destruction and deforestation on the part of some runners. While
directed at Sassygirl BJ and Godfather, it became clear that all the runners
had in some part contributed.
Thus the GM turned to Slim Shady for her posting of her
eyebrow extensions, er, eyelash extensions, and for her sexy new outfit.
Opening up for nominations, Gagging Diva had asked Nom Nom
why he was turning down the offer of a beer. He had a fever. What kind of
fever? Beaver fever! Sassy then nominated CB for the Unhygiene Award for
washing his underarms in the pool and blocking the pump. Sassy also nominated
Poumuli for the selective deck washing with the water blaster.
Clark accused Pussysnatcher and Cockblocker for not taking
the road less travelled, in that they had ended up below rather than above
Mynas, and as the GM had said that those runners were hardcore, a Softcore
Award went to PS and CB.
Sassy also nominated Black Pussy for not only running in
jandals but for chariot riding with Malu and Crime. DMT nominated Chez for
being a born and bred Hash Mere, as she had recounted a story from her youth
whereby she would sit under the keg and grab the drips.
Poumuli had been asked to get a football shirt for Black
Pussy and had located a Palestine soccer shirt in Morocco. However they refused
to print Black Pussy on it, so he had to take it to the US for printing. After
all that she is still not wearing it to Hash. Coz I am too fat! Both took this
Slim Shady made the announcement regarding Leilani Jackson’s
fundraiser for cancer in April and encouraged donations.
The Hares and Hosts were saluted, and a whole lot of goulash
The Hash will be hosted by Poumuli, Wahoo and Yahoo at their
place in Vaoala.
For those familiar, it is Twin Peaks’ old house.
Don't go to Poumuli's old house!
Take Cross-Island Road up past Mynas, turn right on
Bank Street, take the 2nd left turn – road is marked with a
sign saying Atoa Avenue. The house is the last on the right at the top, before
you get to the massive gate blocking the road.
For those who have run this area before, Poumuli will
be setting a completely new run. Hosts will cater, so just bring your $20 hash
cash, and a towel if you want to use the SWIMMING POOL after the run.
The Hash was hosted by Cunning Linguist and Malu at their
new place in Vaivase. So this was in a way a Hash House Warming Party. We were
certainly warm from the heat and from slapping mosquitoes. The run had
courageously been set on flour, given the bursts of rain we had been seeing of
recent. But the weather gods were on his side, so the only issue we had was his
parsimoniousness. Anyway, it was out the gate and following the road up to the sports
field, where a false trail leading up was discovered. So we continued right
around the sports field, in a gentle sloping run. But what goes down must come
up, or something like that. The walkers were able to soon turn, while the
runners continued down towards Samoa College, and got a very steep hill to
contend with on their way back to the house. A very good road run, but Cunning
Linguist has promised that next time there will be more bush.
POD as GM called the circle to order, and found there were
no newbies. Retreads were Poumuli and Wahoo (family reunion), Kiwi (lost his
running shoes), Gagging Diva (in Oz with intravenous cider and cheese) and
Clark (getting a matai title).
Poumuli had found no celebrities this week, but in a spot of
confusion, Clark noted that the Manu coach had been in paper, and that he himself
had been featured for his biography. Since this one had already been awarded to
co-author Sunny Side Up, Clark was made to take the Self-Incrimination Award,
with Nom Nom as whipping boy.
The Shoe Inspector was unnecessary as Clark’s new boots were
so so shiny. He declined Nom Nom’s offer of drinking from Nom Nom’s shoes.
This Day in History Awards went to Cockblocker for Gayboy (1787
– William Herschel discovers Titania and Oberon, two moons of Uranus), Prue (1946
– The first General Assembly of the United Nations opens in London. Fifty-one
nations are represented), Lewinsky (1999 – The Senate trial in the impeachment
of U.S. President Bill Clinton begins), Lewinsky (2015 – A mass poisoning at a
funeral in Mozambique involves beer that was deliberately contaminated with
crocodile bile leaving at least 56 dead and nearly 200 hospitalized – for ordering
Taula), Sassygirl BJ (Feast Day of Our Lady of Prompt Succor) and Poumuli (International
Turning to the GM’s awards, she asked the Hare if there was
some new extreme form of taxation on flour? We had struggled mightily in places
where the marks were so small and so far between. Cunning Linguist had no
credible defence so took the award. Poumuli wanted this blatant copying of
Scottish behaviour to be given to one of the Scots in the circle but was
The Tourism Awards had been held over the weekend and the GM
noted that a Hygiene Award had been given. She thus felt compelled to issue an
Unhygiene Award to Nom Nom for wringing out his dripping shirt in front of
everyone, scorching the earth.
The Hosts had announced that this would be an Orange themed
run, and most had complied, except a Colourblind Award was needed for StrapOn
who wore entirely blue. This was followed by a congratulatory Matai Award for
Cunning Linguist wanted to give a Confusion Award to
Godfather for introducing a new beat to the Hash song last week. Godfather
countered that since that circle had been a sit-down one, it was a one-off, and
we were now back to regulations. Nevertheless, he used the new beat for the
down down, a jazzy sort of off-beat.
Sassy nominated StrapOn for a good start to the Husband of
the Year award for taking Mrs Strap out to lunch, and for his meeting with two
distinguished Ministers the following day. However it was explained that the
luncheon was arranged because Lewinsky had got him into trouble over stepping
out for some drinks. When the GM heard all this she awarded both StrapOn and
Lewinsky the down down, as Lewinsky had told her he was at Cockblocker’s house.
StrapOn then nominated Nom Nom and Prue for New Year’s
celebrities, having celebrated it twice this year over in Pago, as well as
Gagging Diva for getting upset that they didn’t bring back gallons of liquid
We then had a Birthday Award for Yahoo (taken by Wahoo), POD
and Kiwi. This was followed by a Multiple Entry Award from Sassy to Pirate
Princes for being impressive on the run, CB for being sick all week yet coming
for the run, and Nom Nom for being first and fast up the last hill.
While awaiting the circle Poumuli had noticed that it
appeared that StrapOn had caused a minor landslide by the fence from sitting
there, which Lewinsky attributed to StrapOn’s testicular fortitude and the
presence of crabs. Lewinsky got the Extensive Knowledge of Crabs Award, joined
by Cunning Linguist as it was his dog who had actually caused the landslide.
Finally StrapOn nominated Cunning Linguist and Malu for
being forbidden to sleep close to the children at a fale due to the, er, noise
levels. We then saluted the Hosts and Hare, before eating a great housewarming
Next week will be hosted by Poumuli, Wahoo and Yahoo in
Apologies for not posting on the blog but have been busy with family reunion.
Linguist and Malu are hosting at their NEW ADDRESS on Vaivase Uta Road, just
before you get to the sports field "Tanoa le i'a"; it's at the end of
the next drive up from where Black Swan and Firstcummer lived least year. Look
for an orange cloth hanging from the rubbish stand by the road, at the
beginning of a longish muddy driveway. Suppliers excepted, please leave your
car at the main road. Start 6 pm sharp. Theme "orange" once again,
even it if it's not a Thursday!
forget your hash cash!
attached for the directionally challenged - as if that would help! - OnOn!