Friday, August 30, 2013

Hash Trash 1688

The Hash was hosted by Granny Smith and Mel at their house in Vaoala. After some complicated parking manouvers we were able to get everyone situated, although this eventuated in a major car movement after the run. It was a lovely afternoon, reasonably cool, and all were concerned when Granny Smith returned from setting the run in a state of disarray, if not disrepair. We set off down the hill, and were first led into the narrow road opposite the Kiwi compound. False trail spotted after 150 metres. Back onto the Cross Island Road, we ventured into the next road before Mynas. False trail again, but provided the FRBs with the joy of seeing the GM being a FRB for a change. Past Mynas we finally turned in past SPREP, waved at the security guards, past the Forestry Station and on down towards the dormant creek. Here Tallyho called a Hash Halt, before Swinger explored to the right and Pamela Anderson to the left. Left it was, so up the creek we lumbered, until the fluorescently marked trail took us over and across and up a shite of a hill. No quotidian run this, as we realized that we were in the old GIZ compound that is now overgrown. We also realized where we were – and had the two bastard hills up to Bank Street to contend with now. After much wailing and huffing the pack made it up and over, then it was down the hill and on home. There were not enough sweet nuts, but first come first served.

The GM, SOTB, had taken a shortcut so was in fine form for the circle. He first invited those new to Hash to introduce themselves. There was Elizabeth who is Granny Smith’s mother-in-law, and for some reason he chose to speak for her! There was Richard who had been invited by someone named Courts, Tracey from Manganui who had been invited by Darr-something and Jane invited by Ring Ring. Rufie and Lewinsky joined Elizabeth (she insisted on having one, and beat Lewinsky).
Rethreads were Poumuli, Gayboy, Flash Gordon, Stiletto, Anthony and Slippery. Snake the Shoe Inspector then performed his usual ophidian routine, but found none except Gayboy for leaning. Celebrity Awards went to Sassygirl BJ (double for being in both English and Samoan version of Observer) and Alcatraz and SOTB (also in the Observer).

This Day in History Awards:
1896 – Anglo-Zanzibar War: the shortest war in world history (09:00 to 09:45) between the United Kingdom and Zanzibar. – Tallyho and Gayboy (Zanzibar is on the spice trade route, and of course Sunrise uses lots of spices to hide the putrid meat.
1946 – Bill Clinton’s birthday, and we know how he celebrated that back in 1998 - Lewinsky
1991 – Ukraine declares itself independent from the Soviet Union. - Sexpot
International Day for the Remembrance of the Slave Trade and its Abolition – any Aussies due to blackbirding stories in press. Was taken by?
Feast Day of St Gregory – Hot Nuts and Snake
Feast Day of St Monica of Hippo – Lewinsky – double entry!

The GM then turned his attention to the various misdeeds of the week. He had learned that a Hash Mere had been attacked by a Seeing Eye Dog on the plane, and by attacked meaning more like seeking an attachment. Stiletto received the Canine Carnal Knowledge Award. She was quickly joined by Overstayer who was dripping blood all over the place. 

In celebration of the Bledisloe Cup, token Kiwis and Aussies were called up. Despite his protests that now he was Ukrainian, Sexpot joined Blowfish for this One Sided Contest Award. Then there was the Husband of the Week Award. Apparently this Hashman had been promising to fix up the house, and when he finally has time he goes and builds a boat ramp instead. Sleeping on the Couch Award to Lewinsky.

A Red Carpet Award went to Alcatraz for leaving the door wide open as an invitation to thievery, of course joined by Crime. Slippery made a big announcement about having dived at Bikini Atoll, where he had held the inaugural Bikini Hash as a Red Dress Run – by himself! This somewhat convoluted and slightly schizo story resulted in a Glowing in The Dark Award.

Overstayer had been talking to Russel and Kate about their dogs, and that Lewinsky had offered to put them down by shooting the puppies. While we would not put this beyond Lewinsky, he countered that he had been offered beer to shoot them, thus Overstayer and Russel got the How Could He Possibly Have Refused Award.

Tallyho recounted that on the run the siblings who were new to Hash had not been shown any correct instructions by their sponsors, to the point that they had run UP the hill towards the Shrine (of the broken hearted according to Tallyho). Rufie and Blowfish got the Bad Instructions Award, and were joined by Tracy and Richard for the Misunderstanding Gravity Award.

Poumuli then complained to the GM as he had missed a lot of that jolly repartee as Gayboy and Swinger had been talking non-stop. About what we shudder to think, at least your Scribe. Sassy thanked all who had supported the Commodore’s Ball and in particular the Hasher who had paid into the auction. His tightwad boss had not fronted up, to which Sexpot demanded a False Accusation for Sassy. But it seemed that Sexpot had been watching the rugby and got Granny Smith to work for him (which he does). In any event both of them took the award.

Speaking about the same Ball, Poumuli nominated Sassy for That Other Woman Award for the front page photo of her hubby. Godfather then passed on the Angry Bird Award to Mel for being angry with Granny Smith. (Ed note: Godfather had merely picked up the Bird after it was flung in Cockblockers angry display last week).

Sexpot nominated SOTB for receiving the Best Dressed Male at the Ball, in a suit that Gayboy would have loved. Stiletto dobbed in Flash Gordon for buying the suit. The rules of Hash being invoked Flash Gordon joined SOTB for the No Poofters At Hash (which man buys another man a suit), and also Lewinsky as he has the same suit (was for the wedding but nevermind). Poumuli tried to get the Hare for a road safety and toxic paint award, but this backfired hopelessly and a painted leaf was added to the Hash Shrine.

Sassy lamented the state of the Manu Samoa finances and picked on someone who looks like a rugby player, Pamela Anderson, to take the Mismanagement Award, joined by the Manu bankers Westpac in the form of Granny Smith. The latter then nominated Houdini for the Houdini Award as she had managed to sneak in to the house to steal a brownie.

Flash Gordon nominated Wahoo and Poumuli for the strange noises that Amalia had been making – no comment! Witch Doctor got a Latecummer Award while Tallyho gave the Hash Inclusiveness Award to Ring Ring, Jane and POD. Sexpot had been surfing the news only to find that the English Cricket Team had celebrated the Ashes victory by pissing on the turf, so a Shameful Award went to Tallyho.
The Hare and Hosts were saluted and a wonderful meal was consumed.

Next week will be at Karaoke and Eveready so wear pink. Desperate Housewife will scribe.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Peremiter Run Party - OTR 7pm

Morning All,
Tomorrow evening (Saturday), we will be having a little Perimeter Run Party at On the Rocks bar from about 6:45 / 7:00pm onwards to unwind and relax after the big day. We are getting a keg for our hashers and we're all chipping in $15 tala to cover the cost of the keg. This will be a great way to relax after a long hard slog around the island.
If you have the energy, come on down and have a few cold ones with your team mates and relax....God knows you will have earned it!

On On

Monday, August 26, 2013

Hash Run 1688 - Granny Smith, Nell and Family - Vaoala

Good Morning to you all on this bright sunny Monday! Hope you all had a great weekend.

Tonight's run is being hosted by Granny Smith, Nell and Family in Vaoala (Westpac Compound just past the NZ High Commission) We had a run here some time ago when Granny Smith first moved to Samoa. If you go past the NZ High Comm, where the newly tar sealed road begins, the house is on your right hand side at the start of the newly sealed road.

I've been told there is an amazing variety of food tonight so the hosts have surely got something special for us tonight :)

We will have our nectar of life, sweet nuts and softies. The run will start at 5:30pm so try be on time to avoid getting lost in the dark bushes of Vaoala..

Map is posted below for directions

On On

Friday, August 23, 2013

Hash Trash Run 1687

This week’s hash run was hosted by CB, DMT and Jax at Taumeasina.  CB the hare set a fairly long and arduous run (roughly 7.5km), which was welcomed by the many who were training for the upcoming 104km perimeter relay run. The run was set from Taumeasina and on right towards Apia Park.  After a few false trails and cuts backs the herd came trampling through Fogavai and Faatoia, up Faipule Rd, down Fuaiupolu Rd and then with a herd split off at Vaivase Rd...walkers and runners alike who had enough exercise continued down towards the old Blue marlin and on home, where as the battle hardened Front Running Bastards continued up towards Fagali'i airport and golf course. There was much trepidation in Tally Ho continuing with such a task as he tried to make many excuses why as not to go up and for everyone to go back down, one even including not to be running up through there if the Sa was on.  Of course Tally Ho should have known better that all hares in Samoa know their districts and villages and when the Sa times are...poor excuse but it exposed his fear of where the run may lead, but to his credit he ploughed on. After a run down past the airfield and alongside the edge of the golf course, the FRBs were all treated to a nice beachfront run home with the seabreeze proving some much needed cooling. Cold beers and nuts were well deserved that evening.  After Godfather’s sweet nuts were swallowed, the GM called the Hash circle to order.

Firstly the newcummers were up.  These included Jenny, a medical student from Germany and her partner Matt, also a medical student from Germany.  Kevin the Pom was a newcummer too, who is working for the Samoa Tourism Authority and was invited by Tallyho (or maybe I just thought that as they’re both Poms!).  As there were kegs a plenty, GM told them to take a down down.  CB had to also join them as he called Lewinsky by his non-Hash name.  During the down down Kevin wore half his Vailima on his head as he couldn’t finish his down down.

Retreads were next to be called up and included:  Crash, Dumbass, Seismic, Swinger, Alcatraz, Houdini, Offspring, Josh and Xavier.  The excuses were as follows:  Crash – can’t remember, Seismic – no excuse, Offspring – hiding, Josh – away working for STA, CB – away for work, Swinger – conjugal visit to Fiji (and work), Alcatraz – busting her buns working for STA, Houdini and Xavier were both sick (toughen up Princesses – don’t you know Vailima makes you better!).
Sexpot was the stand in shoe inspector and went around the circle.  He tried to accuse Granny Smith who vehemently refuted the call and therefore went to the only hashman that genuinely had a new pair of shoes on and that was the host, baby Jax who was wearing new baby booty shoes.  As the Hash circle didn’t want him to ruin his new shoes with Vailima, DMT was called up to have a down down for him in a normal Hash drinking vessel.

There was only one This Day in History and was when on this day, Bill Clinton finally admitted to have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.  So up Lewinsky went and had his down down.  He swallowed it well which made Granny Smith pipe up that Lewinsky was a good swallower (but much better when he wears the blue dress).

Next was the Celebrity awards and they went to Dumbass for being on TV in NZ for the Alo Pao Pao festival coming up, Julia Gillard for Ford Samoa, Fireman Sam also for the Alo Pao Pao festival (he wasn’t there so Pamela Anderson as closest living relative went up in his place) and Sexpot for being in the paper for Westpac Scholarships.
The GM’s awards were next.  First up was Seismic for having an orgasm and causing an earthquake that same morning.

The Pirate Award went to a Granny Smith for illegally downloading movies to give to Hashmeres.  Granny Smith wanted Lewinsky to join him in the down down as he was one of those people accepting his movies.
A down down went to Sexpot for playing golf instead of running with the Hashers.

The home wrecker award went to Pamela Anderson for firstly leaning on a statue of a lion and then making this statue crash to the floor.  At this point Tallyho quipped that the bloody Aussies are always trying to beat the Lions.

The GM then awarded the Banker’s Award to an unlikely Hashmere, Overstayer for swiping one of the Westpac safes and stowing it in the back of her car.
GM then mentioned another earthquake that happened in the carpark of On The Rocks by a Hash couple having a heavy petting session in the van, this being Cougar and Crash.  Cougar was at Hash but was chasing after the kids and so Crash had to take a double.

GM then announced it was baby Jax’s first birthday so the parents, CB and DMT had to take a down down and then the Hash circle sang Happy Birthday to the pint-sized birthday boy.

GM’s final nomination went to a Hashman who went for a fish with Lewinsky and when Lewinsky asked to invite GM (due to his good fishing ability), Roofie said no because it would be too much competition.  

The GM then opened nominations to the floor.  First up was Overstayer who was nominating all those people who didn’t turn up to the Father’s Day Hash even though they said they were originally coming.  Especially to DMT and CB who didn’t answer their phones.  Their right of reply was that their phones were stolen as they were sleeping.  So the GM put it to a vote – asking whether we should or should not give a down down to the family that doesn’t lock their house when going to bed.  A huge roar confirmed that CB and DMT would be having yet another down down.

Sassy then mentioned that she had been at a tourism workshop on the weekend and her colleagues were saying that they do not want ladies frolicking around in G-Strings on the beach.  At that point a distinguished Hashman aka Godfather, piped up saying “Who said that?”  Previous to the conversation, Godfather had been asleep but as soon as the word G-string was spoken he woke up. 

Sexpot nominated Lewinsky for cheering when the keg ran out last weekend at the Father’s Day hash – this was probably because there were only a few Hashers drinking it due to the no-shows so they were the only ones drinking it – but still it is a sacrilegious offence cheering when the keg ends!

Sassy nominated a Hashman who doesn’t know whether he’s married or not even though he was wearing a wedding ring and fondling his missus in the Hash circle.  This was Ali Bin Shaggin.  His right of reply was that Godfather has agreed to marry them at Hash and it hasn’t happened yet.  He almost caused himself a double down down for drinking too soon.

Witchdoctor gave a leaning down down to newcummer Matt who, due to his great heights, was leaning with his head against the ceiling of the awning.  Sexpot tried to get Lewinsky with this saying it is an OH&S hazard – Lewinsky not providing a safe Hash space for the Hashers.  Lewinsky said that Sexpot was jealous of this new tall Hashman, so Sexpot went to the lower side of the awning and went on tip toes to see if he could lean with his head too - unsuccessfully.

Pam Anderson nominated Alcatraz for not accurately describing the half iron man to the PM who thought they would be racing with irons in their hands.  Alcatraz was taking too long with her down down so Seismic took over for her.

The GM then mentioned the Bledisloe Cup and called both the winners and losers to come up.  So for the loser Australian team, those wearing gold were called up and included K-Rudd (who was actually wearing an Australian jersey), Sexpot and Naomi.  Also Blowfish was called up as she was wearing both black and gold (she couldn’t decide who to go for).  Finally Nell was called up representing Argentina for the Puma’s pitiful effort in letting the Springboks rack up 73 points in their game.

GM then mentioned how he got a message from a certain Hashman who was having trouble dialling a 1800 number.  When GM googled the number, he found out it was a Gay Dating Hotline.  Pamela Anderson tried to tell us all it was Telstra but no one believed him so he had to drink.

Ali Bin Shaggin – was trying to organise his Hash wedding when Swinger offered his place on the condition that he could watch on the wedding night.  Sexpot said he has also bought a ticket to the event.
The Inconsiderate Pervert Award went to Lewinsky as Granny Smith explained that at Hash last weekend in Savaii, his wife was going to the toilet when she was walked in on by Lewinsky and instead of Lewinsky apologising for barging in on her, he yelled out “down down!!”.  Nell was called up to for not telling Lewinsky she was in there after he knocked numerous times, and she actually beat Lewinsky in the down down.

Sassy then proceeded to nominate a hashmere who had to get rescued during the Swim Series – she wasn’t actually swimming, she was one of the kayakers there to rescue the swimmers!  Luckily her beau Pamela Anderson was there to save her – so Houdini had a down down.

It was at this point that Tallyho quietly whispered to Sexpot that he couldn’t believe he hadn’t had a down down yet.  This was quickly fixed when Sexpot brought this up to the Hash Circle.  The GM said that we all should vote on whether Tallyho has a down down or not.  Let’s just say we could hear crickets chirping when all asked “Nay”.  So Tallyho had a drink – finally!

The False Accusation Award went to Overstayer who tried to stitch Desperate Housewife and Nell up for being latecummers.  Both DH and Overstayer had arrived well before the Hash circle, DH even partaking in the hash run/walk.

DMT nominated the Masterchef Award to Josh for being the best apprentice chef ever.  Then both the BBQ cooks, Crime and Anthony both had a drink for their valiant efforts.

Granny Smith then had the task of passing on both the Rooter Hat and the Shit Award on behalf of Transporter.   The Rooter hat went to CB as he missed the boat to the Father’s Day Hash in Savaii having just returned from overseas and must have been rooting to make up for lost time.  CB was also the recipient of the Shit Award for disowning his son, saying he had never seen him before in his life.  CB was a bit overcome by getting all these awards.  So much so that he destroyed the Shit Award (decorated toilet seat), by slapping it out of Granny Smith’s hand (watch out CB, there was still the Angry Birds hat to go!).  Luckily for CB, it had to be a unanimous vote to receive the Shit Award.  It almost looked as though CB was going to cop it, but luckily Sexpot bailed him out by being the only Hasher to vote in CB’s favour.  This move prevented CB wearing the toilet seat around his neck for the rest of the night. 

Dumbass then was called up to award the much missed Angry Bird’s Hat.  Firstly he had a whinge about TTG not bringing it to previous Hashes on his behalf and then he awarded the hat to CB, not for breaking the Shit Award but for not getting any phone calls regarding paddling and having a big rant about it.

Tallyho was then talking about adding something to the Hash shrine, but then he went into a tirade about how it was such a hopeless hash run and that the FRB’s should have called Hash Halts and he was getting cross at POD for not exercising authority in telling people what to do.  At this point POD faced off with Tallyho and put him in his place.  In the end Tallyho found a golf ball that he said Sexpot must have been playing with, as his missed the Hash run for golf.  Little did Tallyho know that Sexpot was actually playing at Faleata – that must have been some drive!

POD then made an announcement about the recent tragic accident involving Imelda the Welder and her family members.  There is to be a collection to assist the family with medical costs and other expenses.  If any Hash members want to make a donation please see POD.

There was also an announcement by Sassy regarding this Saturday’s 24th Commodore’s Ball which is fundraising for the Mini Games.

Also CB announce that Jax is having his official birthday party this Saturday at CB and DMT’s place.
Finally the Hare & Host – CB, DMT and Jax all stepped up and took their down down.
Next week’s Hash is to be hosted by Granny Smith and Nell at Letava.
On On.

Desperate Housewife 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Hash Run 1687 - Jax @ Taumeasina

Talofa All, hope you are all having a good and wet weekend.. :)

This weeks run (19/08/2013) will be hosted by baby Jax to celebrate his 1st Birthday down at POD and Lewinsky's place in Taumeasina.
The host have offered to provide the spread for the evening so you just need to bring your running gear, a change of clothes if you fancy a swim after and your hash cash of $15.

On top of this, many of you may have heard that Imelda the welder was involved in a terrible car accident last week. She is still in a coma in the National Hospital and we are all praying for her for a speedy recovery. Mismanagement had discussed this over the weekend and decided that on top of your hash cash, we'd like to do a donation to go towards Imelda so if you would like to make a small donation on Monday to this, then we will collect this on the side to of our hash cash.

We will have our softies, sweet nuts and ice cold nectar of life on Monday. Looking forward to seeing you all there!
Run starts at 5:30pm

On On

Friday, August 16, 2013

Thinking of our dear friend Imelda the Welder

Dear Hash Family

You may have learnt by now that our friend  Imelda the Welder was involved in the tragic car accident last week at Lalomanu. She is still fighting for her life at the hospital. Please make time to drop by for a visit. Let's all rally behind her and send her positive vibes and warm thoughts that she may pull through.

With much alofas Imelda and thinking of you.

Your Hash family and friends

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Hash Trash 1685

Ah, the lazy dozy bugger virus was still in effect from last week so we had no hosts and no hares. Thus we were again privy to the hospitality of Lewinsky at On the Rocks, privy being the operative word. Again the services of Tallyho had to be cajoled. He led us out of the gate past his fellow grumpy old gits, into the Fire Station parking lot and around and about a bit. When he decided to take the back road of Apoula, your Scribe could hardly breathe, but was told the trail went past the mission house and back down to Palisi, then on home. So it was quite a long town run this one. Good that Godfather had left us some sweet nuts.

SOTB called the circle to order. New to Apia Hash were Ruby (Do Me Twice’s cousin), Steve from Wollongong, Josh from San Diego, all brought by and coached well by DMT, who then joined them for the down-down. The rethreads were Overstayer, DMT, Chilindrina, Titty Galore, Russel, Mel, Granny Smith and latecummer Sassygirl BJ.

The Shoe Inspector Snake initially thought he had found none, but was egged into accusing Russell and Rufie, Overstayer playing the part of Mata Hari, but this backfired, so both Snake and Overstayer took the award.

This Day in History Awards went to Tallyho (1763 – Pontiac's War: Battle of Bushy Run – British forces led by Henry Bouquet defeat Chief Pontiac's Indians at Bushy Run. – this was NOT a bushy run), Lewinsky (1971 – The first Pacific Islands Forum (then known as the "South Pacific Forum") is held in Wellington, New Zealand, with the aim of enhancing cooperation between the independent countries of the Pacific Ocean. – SG is Lewinsky’s Godfather) and Poumuli (not enough history!).
Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (secret sex tapes leaked in US), Granny Smith (for Westpac spam emails) and SOTB (closest living relative to AC/DC, in Observer with his new tats).

The GM started his awards with a lurid tale of a Hasher being up to no good and seducing a young lass to come home with him for some dirty dancing, only to end up lecturing her on the immoral ways she was pursuing. Elle McJr should have taken this Being A Dick Award but closest living relative Prince took it, confirming that this was indeed a horrible speechification by EMcJr.

Then there was the dinner being hosted up the hill, with a Hasher complaining about sweating over a hot stove, but burned the food. Granny Smith took the Not Gordon Ramsey Award. Starting off the nominations, Sassy wanted a Bathing Beauty Award for Pamela Anderson, but had to join in for leaning. POD then wanted the resident Poms to have a Royal Birth Award, but this backfired as we had already done that one.

DMT requested that the GM tell her and her visitors the history of the Hash, which the GM managed to stuff up – right year, wrong city, wrong reason why Hash is called Hash, etc. The GM gamely took the down-down but had DMT join him for being a nosy know-nothing. At this point Tallyho had had enough of the muttering around his starting of the Hash song with a heart mi-mi-mi-mi, and making reference to the Parliamentary discussions around whether pussy was feline, suggested that Transporter should get this Worthy of Westminster Award. Granny Smith interrupted by calling Tallyho a dirty old man for this dirge, but the GM took umbrage at this and gave GS the Don’t Take The GM’s Job Award.

Getting back to more normal incriminations, Rufie nominated sundry Ozzies for the Loser Award for the Brumbies performance on the weekend. This was taken by Steve, Russel and Pamela Anderson. Poumuli gave Karaoke the Michael Jackson Award for dangling Amalia over the balcony of the bar.
The GM had a juicy tale, but was demurring from sharing all the details. Suffice it to say, Anthony had been sexting a 16 year old, and was joined by Lewinsky for encouraging this, in what the GM called the Confucius Award.

Mel finally got to hand over the Rooter Award and this went to Transporter, who is now the Hash Shit Rooter, as he could not come up with a solid accusation. As we reeled with laughter, Tallyho asked Lowrider to make her presentation to the Hash Shrine, which was a Japanese version of Superman, except that it was female and had a pussy.

The Hosts and the Hare, Lewinsky and Tallyho were saluted and joined by the chefs Snake, Rufie and Crime. Next week’s Hash will be on the Father’s Day Weekend in Savaii. Watch the blog for details.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, August 05, 2013

Hash Run 1685 - BYO Run at OTR

Good Morning all,

As we don't have a host for tonight, we will have a BYO run at HQ1- On the Rocks Bar. Please bring a little something to throw on the BBQ to contribute to the spread. We will have our softies, Keg and Sweet nuts.

We also need a live hare so if you are feeling fit like the GM...*cough cough* then let us know.

Run starts at 5:30pm

On On