Friday, March 27, 2015

Hash Run 1770 at the Nut House

Talofa Hashers
Hot Nuts and Nutcracker have graciously offered to host Monday's run. Run starts at 6 PM, bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala. See map below for details.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1769

… and unto Eunoch was born Balti: and Balti begat Haquebaqueskogen: and Haquebaqueskogen begat Methusamasala: and Methusamasala begat Lubna. And Lubna took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Alassi, and the name of the other Zillah. And Alassi bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle, and smells thereof. And Er, famous for his stuttering halting speech, the firstborn of Judah, was evil in the sight of the LORD; and he slew him. And there was much more begatting until Screamer was found under a bushel from whence came her characteristic squeal. From thence she travelled unto the shores of Samoa, yea verily unto Siusega, the land of hard tarmac and howling three legged hounds. As the time came close for her departure into the wilderness of the land of Bulavinaka, she sent a message far and wide through the Net of Inter that she would be preparing a host to host the Hash. And from far and wide the Hash gathered, verily from as far away as Nukunono in the isles of Mikadom, and from the shores of Siumu they gathered. The Grand Master called forth and thus instructed the pack to turn right; thou shalt not turn left, unless thou turnest right twice more; nor shall thou turn three times, as that would be bloody silly. And on the brave and obedient ventured, down trails not so often tread, following the trail of shredded parchment scented with asparagus infused urine. Through the village of Siusega and almost to the town of Vaitele, the pack travelled in a shape that is called square, having passed the houses of worship along the way. Upon returning to the house of Screamer there was much rejoicing and gnashing of nuts, and unto Crime went the call that verily that was a bloody good run, do you do childrens parties.

POD called the circle to order, claiming that this was run 1770 – no its not! New to Hash was Faumina, who was a friend of Sima, which led to a down down for her and Screamer. Retreads were Nutcracker, Slippery, and Hot Nuts.

Shoe inspection by Iapi failed, and he needs to bring a torch or new glasses.
Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady for Snatched (in Observer), Godfather for Uncle Fred (dancing at the SVSG function) and Lewinsky (Monica was on BBC).

This Day in History went to Pirate Princess (871 – Æthelred of Wessex defeats a Danish invasion army at the Battle of Marton – Pirate Princess has been less successful in defeating Danish invasions), Sassygirl BJ (1963 – Alcatraz, a federal penitentiary on an island in San Francisco Bay, closes) POD (International Day of Happiness – all three sprogs have Happy as part of their Hash names) and Crime (Feast Day of St Dismas the Good Thief – crucified next to Our Lord). Sunny Side Up joined them for being a latecummer.

The GM had a few awards, and started with the Unusual Fishing Gear Award for Poumuli. While there are many adept fishermen in the Hash, none of them have ever tried using their nipples for bait. This was due to Poumuli being attacked by a Triggerfish that attached itself to his tutu.

Hot Nuts got the International Woman’s Day Award for yelling “I want a good woman” on the beach within earshot of Nutcracker. Screamer got the Offensive Furniture Award for setting out chairs from where arses could not be removed, although Sassy claimed there were no issues.
On the run there had been some unseemly un-Hashman like gallantry exhibited by Prince and Iapi, stopping and halting to ensure everyone found their way. This was doubled for using IRA’s real name who had assisted them. Then IRA and Charlie got a Sporting Award for Ireland winning the 6 Nations, joined by Murray for the NZ cricket semis (he was happy not to be described as an elderly Aussie this time).

Opening up for nominations, Sassy nominated Godfather, who although complaining of hip pains completed the whole trail (no you didn’t!). She joined Godfather as this was the first time she had beaten him back. Slippery was also made to join as he too had been tagging along for a change. Iapi opined that Murray was not a retread but a flat tire, in that he never goes on the run.
Sassy nominated Rona for the employee of the week award, for her tireless service at Palusami. Poumuli had seen a cool sign on the run for the Hash Shrine (Tire 4 Sale) and urged Crime to “do something about it”, and then nominated IRA for allowing her daughter to float off into the strong tide at Vavau, dangerous man-nipple-eating fish and all. For saving the sprog Poumuli got the Hero Award.

Slim Shady on the heroics theme nominated Hot Nuts for the Necessitating Air Ambulance Award, for walking along a high crumbling cliff and nearly falling down. She also nominated Screamer and Nutcracker for not caring an iota and enjoying their yum cha instead.

Sassy nominated a Hash Mere for some domestic violence, argy bargy, 5o shades of grey and wanting to get slapped around – Titty Galore and Godfather for some rough canoodling in the circle. Poumuli nominated Lewinsky, and this time it resulted in an assault, so both got a down down.
The Host and the Hare were saluted. Slim Shady made the appeal to attend the Voices 4 Vanuatu event at Home Café on the 31st.

Here would be Poumuli’s entry in the sung poetry category:

Last night I dreamt a dreadful dream, a dream of woe and fear
I dreamt Vailima went on strike and there was no more beer
I dreamt of empty bottles, crates, as everyone had quit
I know there’s Taula in the shops, but boy it tastes like shit

We do not have a venue or a Scribe for next week, so watch the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Hash Run 1769

Talofa Hashers
Monday's run will be hosted by Screamer at her house in Siusega. The run will commence at 6 PM. Screamer will cater the food, and the theme will be her leaving, as it will be her Farewell Run, at least for now.

Please do not park in the neighbors yard, try and park inside the gate. You may want to swim so bring some togs, but no diving into the pool without showering off first - CB!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1768

Every journey begins with a first step. And so it was that the time came for everyone to stand up and be counted. One, I am one. And because we don’t want to find ourselves like the blind man in the dark room, looking for the black cat, that isn’t there, POD called the circle and instructed us to bugger off out the gate before the lights were too low. Perhaps she knew something. Was there a cunning plan. Iapi was hosting the Hash at his place in Vaivase-uta, which roughly translates as “where the fuck are we”, and Crime had set the trail. Miffed at not being recognized for his trailblazing trailsetting he had devised a revenge of Bloofeldian proportions. So we started down Settlement Road, and rejoined the Vaivase-uta Road. Sometimes a hill is just a hill, but this road is so deceptively not flat that you only notice the incline because of the sweat pouring off Lewinsky’s back. Some climbed it, because it was there. Others decided that a walk was more suited. Ever up, we finally hit the point where “oh no we cant go any further up” and we turned right. Now we had the long way down into Maagiagi, when several had an o woe me moment. This was going to be a long one. Lo and behold, the trail veered suddenly right up someone’s driveway. Pausing for the occasional malo, we meandered through a group of houses that miraculously opened up to the gates of NUS. This saved us about a mile, but when the chips are down the salt and vinegar are close by. Turning right by the cemetery we followed the road past Samoa College, into Fagalii-uta and on back to Iapi’s house. Measuring some 7 km this was a rather hefty run by most standards, even those of Crime. Unfortunately there were so many non-runners who had helped themselves to the engorged nuts that your Scribe, being last, got none.

POD called the circle to order and asked the newbies to step forward. These were Noel and Amanda friends of Iapi, Joe, Edwina, Amelia all brought by Alcatraz, Jeremy and Dylan brought by Lewinsky, Josie brought by Top Shelf, and JICA volunteers Kenta and Naoko. The retreads were just as manifold – Top Shelf, Slim Shady, Rufie, Blowfish, Mr Whippy, Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess, The Box and Stiletto.

Celebrity Awards went to Mr Whippy (photo in paper), Damien (tourism statistics), Crash (closest living relative to Da Head, who looked like the robber caught on camera) and Lewinsky (Monica in Norwegian paper), and Poumuli for insulting the memory of the Mau leader Nelson by comparing his visage to that of SOTB.

This Day in History Awards went to Cockblocker and Iapi (1815 – Prince Willem proclaims himself King of the United Kingdom of the Netherlands, the first constitutional monarch in the Netherlands), Lewinsky (1997 – Alleged last sexual encounter between Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton), Crash Bandicoot (2013 – Pope Francis is elected, in the papal conclave, as the 266th Pope of the Catholic Church) and IRA (St Patrick’s Day).

The GM had a whole bunch of awards, but limited herself as the keg was now floating. Overstayer go the Inappropriate Quote of the Week Award, as Full Moon and Manwhore were debating the merits or not of child rearing, her advice on family planning was “just rape her”.

Rufie and Godfather got the joint Lack of Support to Meres Award, as some of the hashers had told Blowfish she “was growing a friend”, and for when Titty Galore had an allergic reaction to some lipstick GF had said “well if we miss the boat we can float back on those””.

CB then brought out the Angry Bird, and this went to a Hasher who was so angry with his missus he dragged her back to the fale and broke the bed – Crash. Poumuli attempted to get Swinger for the Worst Tourguide Award for basically abandoning his charges on Namua. SOTB pointed out that Poumuli had had difficulty even finding Namua, so both took this one.

Latecummers Kiwi and Gayboy were awarded and Gayboy returned the Hash Shrine. Godfather was quick to enquire about a certain item being still there as a lot of stuff had gone missing, probably now being served in someone’s chop suey.

Sassygirl BJ self-nominated for the Rocking Mother-in-Law speech, while CB regaled us with tales of Sexpot rocking the dance floor, which thus went to his Ukrainian brother Transporter. Alcatraz nominated Lewinsky and POD for the awesome venue for their wedding.

Slim Shady had been to Namua and there had been a women’s circle during which various topics of lady talk came up. Swinger had also been present and had claimed to have “no sexual regrets”, thus earning the Biggest Bullshit Award, alternatively the Honorary Ovary Award.

Sassy wanted to nominate the person who had travelled the furthest for the wedding, but ended up with a Failed Geography Award. Alcatraz nominated Sunny Side Up for the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Award, for helping trucking people to the ferry.

The Hash then saluted the Sassanid Empire – aka SOTB and Alcatraz, who had brought the top tier of their wedding cake. The Hash Anthem was solemnly sung and enacted.

The Hare and Host, Crime and Iapi were saluted and the food was eventually brought out – lovely!

Next weeks at Screamer’s in Siusega.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Hash Run 1768

Greetings Hashers
For the benefit of Top Shelf here is the Hash announcement early. Monday's run will be hosted by Iapi in Vaivase. See map and directions below. The theme for the run will be orange - the colour, the fruit, or the otherwise.
Run starts at 6 PM, bring your 20 tala hash cash. If you get lost call Iapi on 7294913
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1767

(Democratic People’s Republic News Agency – Letogopyaong) 인사말 자본주의 개를 실행!

The Dear Leader summoned the Hash to the Great Hall of the Peoples Sassanid Palace in Letogopyaong this Monday. Flanked by Party Chairman, Dear Brother Damien-Un, and the First Mother, The Dear Leader offered fraternal greetings to the Hashers and pledged continued cooperation and development for mutual benefit. He stressed that greater efforts would be made on poverty eradication, by eradicating crime (Crime was shot), and on implementing the “Four Comprehensives”- comprehensively building a moderately prosperous Hash, deepening reform of Mismanagement, advancing the rule of law (Crime was shot again), and strictly governing the Hash partying. He noted that in adhering to and improving the system of the Hash, we must unwaveringly uphold Mismanagement leadership and develop it through practice to ensure that it advances with the times. 

An offering of food would later be brought from the Peoples Workers Cooperative Bakery in Lotopa-do. In a related incident the Chairman of that Cooperatives Workers Committee was later tried and executed for treason to the state by not supplying enough guacamole to reach the mandates set by the current five year development plan. The Dear Leader commended the leadership of the current Troika of Mismanagement for its clear vision of cooperatively progressing in a fraternal and social manner the Vision of the Dear Leader in laying a trail down for the peoples masses to follow, leading down the East Coast Road and into the setting sun of prosperity. Rewarded by the refreshment of their own sweat, the masses were guided by the benign wisdom of the Dear Leader to turn to the left as determined by socialist history. They turned left and they travelled ever upward until the main tar sealed road was replaced by the workers ideal – the muddy track. It is through connecting to the soil in a figurative (and in this case literal) manner that we will cast aside the bourgeois manners of the capitalist running dogs. Steadfastly moving ever upwards the masses were led across three workers fords, were the patriotic leaches assisted in removing excess mud and blood from the masses. Summary executions were meted out to stragglers to the cause of moving ever upwards downwards towards the 5th Workers Cooperative Council for Bovine Extraction. Unfortunately some of the masses lost their way, and were shot (Crime was shot yet again). Guided by the trail of the vision, the masses were led ever upwards downwards. Upon re-entering the Great Hall of the Peoples Sassanid Palace, the assembled partying officials who had not joined the Great March of Hash Prosperity hailed the returning Hash masses as successful proponents of workers dignity and progenitors for further cooperation and development for mutual benefit. The Dear Leader then dispensed gifts in the form of the Fruits of the Loins of the Chairman of the Workers and Intelligentsia Cooperative Retreat who is also the Democratic People’s Naming Ceremony Officiator.

POD as GM called the circle to order, and as there were so many new to Hash laid out some of the rules. Then she called the newbies forward – these were Tony (Canadian in Cambodia brought by Murray), Andrew and Clare brought by Alcatraz, and Jeff and Elizabeth the parents of Alcatraz. The retreads were Alcatraz (preparing wedding), Bonecrusher and Jo (living the Kiwi dream, in Oz), Snatched (pants wearing), Strangler (long holiday), Overstayer (returned to Oz), Desperate Housewife and Sexpot (over in Fiji), Mad Hatter (out of India), SOTB (sex slave), Damien (big appleing), Fox and Hornithologist.

Iapi was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed, in lieu of Alcatraz bringing her shoes back next week. Celebrity Awards went to Hooker Lua (cancer society story, taken by Sassygirl BJ), Prince and Poumuli (for story on SPREP workshop) and Lewinsky (Clinton portrait and the blue dress).

This Day in History Awards went to Sassy, SOTB and Damien (363 – Roman Emperor Julian moves from Antioch with an army of 90,000 to attack the Sassanid Empire, in a campaign which would bring about his own death), Twin Peaks (1977 – Rings of Uranus: Astronomers discover rings around Uranus – should have been for Gayboy, but Poumuli pointed out the Yahoo calls Twin Peaks Aunty Bruce).

The GM turned to her awards for the run itself, and if you could decipher my North Korean, it was indeed a rather muddy end with some treacherous fords to cross. For Hashmanlike Behaviour Award – Strangler for not stopping to help Mad Hatter across, and Lewinsky for the Chivalry Award for showing how its done.

SOTB had had his stag night and there were a few awards for that. Party Foul Award to SOTB for taking on three bouncers and expecting the boys to help him out; Damien for the Better Out Than In Award for puking in the rental; Dumass/Spellcheck for stealing keys; Lewinsky for the Organizational Skills Award for not letting Transporter know that this pack of fools was coming to his house; and Poumuli for the Does My Ass Look Big In This Award for asking if SOTB had stolen his dress from POD.

Overstayer had taken ProBoner out to dinner and on the way had speeded past the car with the HOS1 plates (that is the Head of State’s car) and then nearly crashed outside Home Café. This was clearly a How Not To Get To Stay in Samoa Award.

The Mad Monk of the Apia Hash then appeared, dressed as a Ninja. She proceeded to name young Alyssa after commending her tap skills – Beer Wench. Then it was Jacob’s turn, who takes after his banker father – Piggy Bank. Sexpot endured the eggs and sauce, but this may have been too much to bear for Alcatraz’s mum who quickly decamped.

Turning to Cockblocker, whose son Jax was not there but who also takes after his dad – Babyblocker. And then turning to Rachael, who had shown off more than her tattoo – Sunny Side Up.
Opening up for nominations, Fox nominated CB on behalf of the PM speaking out against family planning, while Latecummer Award went to Gayboy.

SOTB described how his festive weekend had nearly started with a really big bang, and that the Best Man had nearly written off the taxi van, as well as SOTB. While under normal circumcisions this would be commendable behaviour in this case Lewinsky was given the Worst Man Award.
Sexpot was glad to be back in Samoa and at the airport was getting into the groove, only to find that the parking ticket system didn’t work. Transporter retorted that this was now the property of the Airport Authority, opening up for the GM to decree that he was still Closest Living Relative and recipient of the Faulty F’ing Merchandise Award.

CB nominated Prince for living up to his Hash name, in ensuring that his queen was escorted safely across the fords. Beer Wench then nominated her parents for letting her drink from the keg! (surely this was a stitch-up)

The Hare and Hosts – Crime, Sassy, SOTB, Alcatraz, Damien and Magda were saluted, and Sassy thanked the Hash for the great turnout and for all the support. She concluded with noting that she had called for the run theme to be white (Godfather had wanted white t-shirts, braless and wet), so Gillian (who was wearing white) and Poumuli (who was deaf and stupid) got the last award.
We had a huge feast – awesome contribution by the Sassanid Empire!

Next weeks run will be hosted by Iapi in Vaivase. Map will be posted. Wear orange!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, March 09, 2015

Hash Run 1767 - the return of the Son of The Bitch

Morning all
the run will be hosted by Sassygirl BJ, SOTB and Alcatraz out in Letogo, and will cater the food. So bring your 20 tala hash cash and change of clothes if this weather keeps up. Map below, and run starts at 6 PM.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Hash Trash 1766

The Hash was hosted by IRA at her house in Palisi, and several geographically challenged Hashers took their sweet time in finding their way. It had been a scorcher of a day and there we were so close to sea level, yet with a marvellous view of the departing rear of Queen Victoria. Musing over whether to forego the whole thing, Your Scribe was jolted into action by POD the GM. Apparently the run was out left and, oh no, straight up the hill. For those who haven’t run it, this would be a suitable yomp if you were a Nepalese Sherpa, or had been born and trained in a 5-G simulator, or were simply a bleeding masochist. The road itself is steep, windy and featured a number of bemused locals wondering who these idiots were. 

At the top the trail is more off road in nature, but adorned with multiple loose and slippery pebbles placed there to create maximum risk of slippage and dislocations. We all remember how Lewinsky had cunningly placed just such a pebble that caused Poumuli’s pratfall and subsequent dislocated shoulder at the 2013 Tafaigata run. In any case Crime had only gone part of the way up, so the papers ended at about 1/3 of the way. Many went as far as 1/2 way, with some like POD reaching the nosebleed section at the top of radio mast. Going downhill was equally cringeworthy and Your Scribe’s survival and lack of serious injury was not believed by Wahoo who insisted he couldn’t have gone too far. So it was with some relief that Godfather’s trusty nut supply was cracked and sucked down.

The GM called the circle to order and invited the newbies to step forward. They were Kathy (started at APTC on early childhood education – she could just work with the hashers, as they mostly fit in at that maturity level) and her manbag Dan. They had been brought by Slippery and got their first down down.

The retreads were Wahoo (dancing), Godfather (in NZ), Swinger (working). Shoe Inspector Screamer failed, but was joined by Lewinsky who falsely accused Godfather of having new shoes.
Celebrity Awards went to Cougar for Snatched (in paper galore), Sassygirl BJ for Hooker Lua (also in paper) and for the VERTS in Letogo, Swinger for BB’s brother Sam (Bluesky and Cook Islands story), Twin Peaks for outrageous rental price on his house, Poumuli  (SPREP story) and IRA (iron man contest story).

This Day in History Awards went to Titty Galore (1692 – Sarah Good, Sarah Osborne and Tituba are brought before local magistrates in Salem Village, Massachusetts, beginning what would become known as the Salem witch trials – Tituba is of course Iroquois for “abundant breasts”), Murray (1921 – The Australian cricket team captained by Warwick Armstrong becomes the first team to complete a whitewash of The Ashes, something that would not be repeated for 86 years – since he is now described as an elderly Aussie!), Twin Peaks for Yahoo (1995 – Yahoo! is incorporated – she was wearing her hair in twin peaks), IRA (2001 – 4 March 2001 BBC bombing: a massive car bomb explodes in front of the BBC Television Centre in London, seriously injuring one person. The attack was attributed to the Real IRA), Lewinsky and Crime (2003 – The International Criminal Court holds its inaugural session in The Hague – Lewinsky’s godfather was a judge at that session) and POD (Self Injury Awareness Day – for running to top of mountain).

The GM noted that Slippery’s guests were sitting and rewarded him for that. She then reminded that at the HQ1 run last week Potu had turned up and had expecting Swinger to be there, and then being informed by Swinger that he would only turn up to “real hashes”. Insulting the HQ1 Venue Award.
The GM then gave Lewinsky the Parenting Award for criticising Happy Face’s crayon drawings. Kathy got a Slow Learners Award for leaning again.

There had been some sort of cricketing event that Your Scribe had missed, but suffice it to say that Slippery took this  one for Oz and Steve for the Black Caps (silly name – why not Black Heads, or Shouldawornacap). Godfather had been to Napier in NZ, and Lewinsky had provided him with phone numbers for Rufie and Blowfish. After some conversation and asking to meet up, Godfather was informed that they were in Whanganui, not Napier, which is miles away. Try Looking At The Map Award to Lewinsky.

Sassy gave Iapi a Showing Off Award for going to the top and bragging about it. Poumuli nominated Wahoo for a Birthday Award. Godfather had been on the motorway in NZ when his phone rings and its Eveready asking if he is coming to Hash and to bring his ukulele. No I am in NZ. Swinger was nominated as an alternate but failed. Cougar also had known of the travel and had not told Eveready, so she joined Swinger in the Failing Award.

The Hare and the Hosts were saluted.

Next week will be the Return of the Son of The Bitch Run at Sassy’s. Following week will be at Iapi’s in Vaivase – a Dutch or Orange run, I forget. Then Screamer’s Farewell Run in Siusega.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit