Thursday, March 19, 2015

Hash Trash 1768

Every journey begins with a first step. And so it was that the time came for everyone to stand up and be counted. One, I am one. And because we don’t want to find ourselves like the blind man in the dark room, looking for the black cat, that isn’t there, POD called the circle and instructed us to bugger off out the gate before the lights were too low. Perhaps she knew something. Was there a cunning plan. Iapi was hosting the Hash at his place in Vaivase-uta, which roughly translates as “where the fuck are we”, and Crime had set the trail. Miffed at not being recognized for his trailblazing trailsetting he had devised a revenge of Bloofeldian proportions. So we started down Settlement Road, and rejoined the Vaivase-uta Road. Sometimes a hill is just a hill, but this road is so deceptively not flat that you only notice the incline because of the sweat pouring off Lewinsky’s back. Some climbed it, because it was there. Others decided that a walk was more suited. Ever up, we finally hit the point where “oh no we cant go any further up” and we turned right. Now we had the long way down into Maagiagi, when several had an o woe me moment. This was going to be a long one. Lo and behold, the trail veered suddenly right up someone’s driveway. Pausing for the occasional malo, we meandered through a group of houses that miraculously opened up to the gates of NUS. This saved us about a mile, but when the chips are down the salt and vinegar are close by. Turning right by the cemetery we followed the road past Samoa College, into Fagalii-uta and on back to Iapi’s house. Measuring some 7 km this was a rather hefty run by most standards, even those of Crime. Unfortunately there were so many non-runners who had helped themselves to the engorged nuts that your Scribe, being last, got none.

POD called the circle to order and asked the newbies to step forward. These were Noel and Amanda friends of Iapi, Joe, Edwina, Amelia all brought by Alcatraz, Jeremy and Dylan brought by Lewinsky, Josie brought by Top Shelf, and JICA volunteers Kenta and Naoko. The retreads were just as manifold – Top Shelf, Slim Shady, Rufie, Blowfish, Mr Whippy, Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess, The Box and Stiletto.

Celebrity Awards went to Mr Whippy (photo in paper), Damien (tourism statistics), Crash (closest living relative to Da Head, who looked like the robber caught on camera) and Lewinsky (Monica in Norwegian paper), and Poumuli for insulting the memory of the Mau leader Nelson by comparing his visage to that of SOTB.

This Day in History Awards went to Cockblocker and Iapi (1815 – Prince Willem proclaims himself King of the United Kingdom of the Netherlands, the first constitutional monarch in the Netherlands), Lewinsky (1997 – Alleged last sexual encounter between Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton), Crash Bandicoot (2013 – Pope Francis is elected, in the papal conclave, as the 266th Pope of the Catholic Church) and IRA (St Patrick’s Day).

The GM had a whole bunch of awards, but limited herself as the keg was now floating. Overstayer go the Inappropriate Quote of the Week Award, as Full Moon and Manwhore were debating the merits or not of child rearing, her advice on family planning was “just rape her”.

Rufie and Godfather got the joint Lack of Support to Meres Award, as some of the hashers had told Blowfish she “was growing a friend”, and for when Titty Galore had an allergic reaction to some lipstick GF had said “well if we miss the boat we can float back on those””.

CB then brought out the Angry Bird, and this went to a Hasher who was so angry with his missus he dragged her back to the fale and broke the bed – Crash. Poumuli attempted to get Swinger for the Worst Tourguide Award for basically abandoning his charges on Namua. SOTB pointed out that Poumuli had had difficulty even finding Namua, so both took this one.

Latecummers Kiwi and Gayboy were awarded and Gayboy returned the Hash Shrine. Godfather was quick to enquire about a certain item being still there as a lot of stuff had gone missing, probably now being served in someone’s chop suey.

Sassygirl BJ self-nominated for the Rocking Mother-in-Law speech, while CB regaled us with tales of Sexpot rocking the dance floor, which thus went to his Ukrainian brother Transporter. Alcatraz nominated Lewinsky and POD for the awesome venue for their wedding.

Slim Shady had been to Namua and there had been a women’s circle during which various topics of lady talk came up. Swinger had also been present and had claimed to have “no sexual regrets”, thus earning the Biggest Bullshit Award, alternatively the Honorary Ovary Award.

Sassy wanted to nominate the person who had travelled the furthest for the wedding, but ended up with a Failed Geography Award. Alcatraz nominated Sunny Side Up for the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Award, for helping trucking people to the ferry.

The Hash then saluted the Sassanid Empire – aka SOTB and Alcatraz, who had brought the top tier of their wedding cake. The Hash Anthem was solemnly sung and enacted.

The Hare and Host, Crime and Iapi were saluted and the food was eventually brought out – lovely!

Next weeks at Screamer’s in Siusega.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

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