Monday, February 27, 2017

Hash Run 1870

Apologies for the late post but tonight's Hash will be hosted by Witch Doctor at Nafanua Steakhouse on Beach Road. She will cater the event so just bring your 20 tala Hash Cash. Run starts at 6 PM or 1800 hours.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, February 24, 2017

Hash Trash 1869

The Hash was hosted by Karaoke and Eveready at their place in Lotopa. As ever, it was a Pink Run, and fearful hashers arrived under the cloud of a threatened spanking by Karaoke for not complying with this stricture. Announcing that this would be an A to B run, Eveready extended that fearfulness. Lewinsky arrived with his cattle truck and we all mounted up. Now bear in mind that this had been a wet day, and we were grateful that the weather had held in Lotopa. Yet we descended into wet despair as Lewinsky drove us straight into the rainclouds. He took us past the sports grounds where it was drizzling, and all the way past the gaol to the Tafaigata dump, where it was indeed raining cats and dogs. The runners were let off here, while the walkers were taken back to more clement climes. So we trudged off on the road home, all knowing exactly where we were and how far we had to go. Finally back home, we drowned our thirst with Godfather’s cold moist nuts.

POD as GM called for the newbies of which there were none. The retreads were Slippery (away for 20 months, now in Tonga), Frances (been working while Slippery slipped off as home dad), Prince (skiing in Switzerland), Ring Ring (being lazy) and Speedhumper (been here but single).
Witch Doctor was appointed Shoe Inspector, and lasered in on Wahoo. Despite the Scribe’s assurance that she has drunk from them already, the honour went to Poumuli as she is preggers. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (being on TV for the church service) and Captain Mortein (for spotting it, no doubt brushing up on his ecclesiastical edification).

This day in history awards went to The Margarets Gagging Diva and Screamer (1472 – Orkney and Shetland are pawned by Norway to Scotland in lieu of a dowry for Margaret of Denmark), Jessica as the nicest person in Hash (Random Acts of Kindness Day) and Il Capo (International Mother Language Day).

The GM turned to the festivities at Sinalei past Sunday, and noted some great and poor performances. She pulled out Gagging Diva, Frances and Lewinsky for the good, and Sassygirl BJ for her poledancing.

Turning to the run, there had been comments about parents letting their kids ride in Lewinsky’s salmonella truck, with one hasher being overly glad that it was his wife’s idea, so he couldn’t be blamed – this one went to Snatched.
Then it was Mr Whippy, exceptional in his pink running vest, last here then first back. There had also been complaints that the ride out had seen us stuck behind a septic truck, when a bit of gas could have seen us ahead at the outset. Since Lewinsky was having enough, the GM used a bit of Aussie slang, septic tank – yank – thus Bitt.

On the run we had gone past the gaol, but no one had suggested going to visit Bad Investment. Well we couldn’t have anyhow. Anyway this one went to Crime.

Turning to nominations, Il Capo had been in line to pay hash cash when she overheard Titty Galore re-checking a hash mere’s name as Gagging Vagina. Lewinsky then nominated Godfather for the great function on Sunday, a respectable one deserving a respectable down-down. Godfather thanked the Hash for its support.

Sassy wanted the owners of the dog-like animals that had attacked her upon arrival rewarded, but in targeting Eveready was informed that they belonged to Karaoke, who was dragged from the kitchen. Sassy also nominated the Hansen’s – namely Pirate Princess and Princess Tiger for winning consecutive draws at the prize at Sinalei – bribery and corruption.

Eveready told us that he had gone to his farm to pick some avocadoes, but had cut his finger. He had called Karaoke to check whether there were band-aids on hand, and she asked, had he cut the (w)hole finger – no the one next to it. Karaoke got the Censored Award.

Poumuli had been playing in the water with Yahoo at Sinalei, when a couple of Hash Meres had assigned him babysitting duties for their delightful sprogs. Yes indeed, and they had proceeded to attempt to drown him. Snatched challenged that  Poumuli was too weak to counter some four year old girls – but these are Samoan girls. Pirate Princess and Snatched took the Frankensprog Award, joined by weakling Poumuli.

This was Nom Nom’s last run at Apia Hash, so we need a new Hare-raiser. Godfather averred that he would do it but has no hair, so a respectable glass was given to Nom Nom. Prince joined for cheering on Daz. This was followed by the Hash Anthem and Goodbye My Feleni. Sassy then nominated Speedhumper for the most colourful motions during the Hash Anthem and Gagging Diva for a move that looked like an NFL touchdown move.

We saluted the Hosts and the Hare, Karaoke, Eveready and Lewinsky for the run, then those not wearing pink (they all got a spank) – Jessica, Prince, StrapOn.

A feast of pork awaited us, with some crackling that was beyond belief.
No host yet for next week so watch the blog and Facebook.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Hash Run 1869

Monday's Hash will be hosted by Eveready and Karaoke at their home in Lotopa. Take the airport road, first turn after the great big Mormon pile, Strickland brothers sign, then look for a cake shop on the left, turn left straight after, not into.

It will be a pink run!

Bring your 20 tala hash cash and enjoy, We will start the run at 6 given this godforsaken daylight savings time crap.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1868

This epic Hash was hosted by StrapOn with Nom Nom and Peeping Clam.  It was a live-hare run given that AC/DC had once again cancelled at the last minute. Nom Nom gave some cryptic instructions as to the general route. We did not yet know that they had scouted it using Skyeye. Fairly mundane trot then up the Cross Island Road to the corner of Ray’s Taxis. Mundane but very much uphill! At the corner the walkers were given the choice of a return straight back or a yomp through the Stevenson’s Museum garden. The runners went down to the Vaoloa water works, and were assured that the path by the river would eventually get to an open gate. It wasn’t so much as an open gate but a gaping hole in the undergrowth. As we prepared to cross the river, a bemused local woman was bathing her little boy and washing clothes on the other side. Again we were assured that the road did lead somewhere, but Godfather had second thoughts about Nom Nom’s intention to cross the next ridge. Having ascertained that we could cross below the next set of houses, some of us abandoned the hare-brained idea to climb up the new feeder pipe. It basically went straight up! Stories were later told of near death moments, but the length those hasher s actually ran, 8.1 km and mostly uphill rates it as even grittier than the worst Pussysnatcher ever took us through. The Godfather led runners were guided across a deep ford, but we got to see a marvellous waterfall and have now found a way to set a new trail. We came out on the road that goes past Samoa Butchers, and then on home. Godfather’s nuts were most welcome.

POD as GM called the circle together. Newbies to Hash was Mark, brought by Rachel (palagi with an office in Samoa). The retreads were Matt & Nat (returnees, stuck in Oz), Silent But Deadly (in Oz), Eveready and Karaoke (in Vegas!) and Rachel (in Oz). They were joined by a representative of Sinalei (the name of Eveready’s granddaughter) – Godfather.
The GM asked Rachel how many runs she had missed – enough runs to forget about the glasses on her head apparently. StrapOn was also called in for missing the retreads – he had been making sure someone got married.

Celebrity Awards went to Il Capo (for her race photo) and Poumuli (useless in gathering celebrities).

This Day in History Awards went to POD (1990 – Carmen Lawrence becomes the first female Premier in Australian history when she becomes Premier of Western Australia), Screamer (1994 – Four thieves break into the National Gallery of Norway and steal Edvard Munch's iconic painting The Scream), Lewinsky (1999 – United States President Bill Clinton is acquitted by the United States Senate in his impeachment trial), Crime (2008 – Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd makes a historic apology to the Indigenous Australians and the Stolen Generations), Nom Nom (World Day of the Sick), and Eveready and Karaoke (Valentine’s Day).

Shoe Inspector Il Capo made a beeline for Peeping Clam and Eveready who were guilty as charged. Turning to the run, Lewinsky had been a knight in shining armour trying to rescue POD – er POD’s watch. Eveready gave him a new naughty shot glass. He was joined by StrapOn for a respectable one for the run that we had all, er, enjoyed.

Also on the run there had been a a bit of a wardrobe malfunction, with Peeping Clam playing a bit of peek-a-boo, commando style. She was joined by Il Capo who had helpfully declaimed that we were all going to die.

Il Capo rejoindered that this had been a run for heroes, and that the superheroes Peeping Clam and POD should get an award. Nom Nom then started a convoluted tale of Lewinsky, calling to him that his girlfriend was weeping, apparently while swinging from the branches (not clear who was swinging). Eveready opined that he would have cried if Karaoke was weeping. In any event it was decided that Nom Nom, Weeping Clam and Lewinsky should take this one.

We had not seen Eveready for 6 weeks, so when images appeared on Facebook of their stay in Vegas, with Eveready basically draped in a young lady of no bra, which Cougar showed to her mother in law, who responded why-does-Karaoke-have-no-clothes-on, resulted in so much hilarity that Karaoke had to re-enact it.

Witch Doctor nominated Mark for leaning, and Rachel for not telling him the rules. Nom Nom nomnominated Gagging Diva for doing the longest run ever, and that she had to drink 4 glasses of water after. Poumuli said that in that case Lewinsky should join as he had had to drink 8 glasses of water. So it was.
Sassygirl BJ nominated Silent But Deadly for just sitting there quietly after the run, 1000 mile stare in amazement, living up to hash name. Sassy also nominated persistent promising leaver Sunny Side Up.

Il Capo nominated Mr Whippy for cutting the trail, while Witch Doctor nominated Poumuli for working with some guy who decided to visit Bad Investment in gaol. Poumuli suggested, and got, the inclusion of Lewinsky in this, as he needs to be in jail.

Sassy brought in Titty Galore for complaining that she was not getting any exercise, yet she was motoring away in the run. She also brought in those yet sans down down – Jessica, Witch Doctor, Pirate Princess and Sassy.

StrapOn had been in Suva, and had earlier discussed going to Hash there with Poumuli, but his emailed directions arrived a day late. Accepting, Poumuli countered that it was down to StrapOn’s piss-poor email service.
Not being exactly sure of the translation here, but last week Il Capo had gotten terribly drunk, and Crime had caught a crab, possibly for her, that somehow was then stuck in the toilet. Witch Doctor then called for a Hash Blessing for Poumuli and Wahoo, for her expectancy.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Eveready and Karaoke – PINK RUN.

We saluted the hosts and hare and enjoyed some stir-fried cat from Sunrise.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, February 13, 2017

Hash Run 1868

Malo Hashers

Tonight's run will be hosted by Strap-On, Peeping Clam and myself at Strap-on and Tina's house in Papauta (on the road of the soap factory). The run could get a little wet so maybe bring a change. Meat-loving and vegetarian options will be provided.

This will be my last chance to host before I leave Samoa for at least 18 months so I'd love to see you all there.

We'll be looking for a new hare-raiser!

Run starts at 6pm sharp - don't forget your hash cash! 



Monday, February 06, 2017

Hash Trash 1866

An epic Hash requires epic words to describe it, and we in the Hash have the best words, believe me. All others are total losers. So the Hash was hosted by Swinger, great guy, Godfather, staunch man, and Nelson, someone you can hang with. All solid Hashers. They follow me on Twitter. The run was set against a vast clearing sky over the sports grounds, and with the still hot sun baking the humidity up into the multiple hundreds – it was yuge. The pack went out left and after finding the first false trail, turned right past the fire station and the horse races. These are the best horses, you can ride them, you can pet the horses, you can grab them by the horses. Following the road on, at the t-junction by the golf course we had a false trail to the left, and the trail went right. Hitting the main road at the top, there was again a false trail towards Tradition Resort, with the real trail going towards the Head of State’s house. Never met him, have never heard of him. While some runners thought the trail would head up the river, and ran too far, POD found the trail leading into the old livestock track. This was an uphill muddy track that soon took on riparian qualities, given the overflowing waterfall. Soon we were ankle deep in a mixture of run-off water and cowdung, and then all of a sudden the trail took an even steeper turn up a hillock. At the halfway point there was a horse tethered, in the same way that most Samoan dogs are “secured” on their properties – there was a rope around its neck that was not fastened to anything. It became more and more feisty and agitated as the pack passed, and obviously wanted its horse to be grabbed. Under a fallen tree trunk, and up and over the hill, we entered  some sort of Water Board facility, but it was easy to spot that it was out the bottom gate and downhill towards the sports fields again. Nice to come back to the house for Godfather’s cool refreshing nuts. He has the best nuts. The most refreshing nuts. I would date his nuts.

POD was GM, fruitlessly trying to persuade others to take a turn. She invited the newbies to step forward and these were Bitta (intern at MoH) brought by someone called Darrel, and Davina (at Ministry of Commerce) brought by Gagging Diva. Nom Nom then took the Name Recognition Award.

Retreads were Il Capo and Angry Bird (Italy), Potu (at his other home), Jessica (food poisoning), Swingmother (felt like she died for the last 12 months) and Captain Mortein tried to hide away so received a righteous serving of down down.

Shoe Inspector Jessica nearly failed, until Captain Mortein accused Swinger of having new shoes. Indeed he did have new shoes, but he hasn’t worn them to Hash yet, thus a false accusation and the start of a long evening for the Captain.

Celebrity Awards went to Davina and Screamer (for being in the paper for Oz Day), Cockblocker (headline proclaiming that a woman had sliced off her lover’s manhood with a sickle), Mr Whippy (story in paper about computer training) and Swinger and Slim Shady for not being in the paper.

This Day In History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1959 – MS Hans Hedtoft, said to be the safest ship afloat and "unsinkable" like the RMS Titanic, strikes an iceberg on her maiden voyage and sinks, killing all 95 aboard – Danish construction), Poumuli for Gayboy (1967 – The United States, United Kingdom, and Soviet Union sign the Outer Space Treaty in Washington, D.C., banning deployment of nuclear weapons in space, and limiting use of the Moon and other celestial bodies to peaceful purposes – no explosions around Uranus), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: On American television, U.S. President Bill Clinton denies having had "sexual relations" with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky), Tall Story (Australia Day) and Mr Whippy (Data Privacy Day).

Turning to the run, the GM had seen a lot of animal interactions, particularly the horse, which had been calm until Il Capo touched it. Whence upon it attacked Mr Whippy. But then he also fended off 5 dogs by himself. She also awarded two front  running bastards for not finding the false trail – CB and Prue.

Opening for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick to announce the Valet Parker of the Year, who had blocked all other cars. But then, thinking about it she was sure it was the bitching wives that had caused it, and gave the award to Pirate Princess and Wahoo.
Next, Sassy was appalled that instead of looking out for Titty Galore getting welts from insect bites, but focussing instead of such welts increasing her bosom size, Godfather was given the I’m Proud Of You Award.

The GM had an award from last week, as Nom Nom had said he couldn’t come on the run, but they had run past his house where he was having a beer on the deck. He tried to explain but failed. Il Capo had been shocked on the run, first of all by Lewinsky running, but also that he had touched the GM’s bum. POD took this with good grace, showing of said derriere.
Screamer had had some difficulty parking, and blamed this on improper gardening by Swinger, which became Inadequate Shaving of the Bush Award.

The Mad Monk of Apia Hash then appeared out of the blue, and called forth a lady proficient in sharp things, cutting and stitching. Henceforth, Malu will be known as Snip & Tuck.
She then called forth a lady who even in the cold air conditioning, as well as elsewhere, compromises the Samoan heat by wearing short stuff – and being unable to find the clam sanctuary on the south side. Henceforth, Prue will be known as Peeping Clam.

Latecummers Witch Doctor and Black Pussy got their down downs, and Nelson nominated Captain Mortein for offering to paint the house, great guy that he is, but that he painted around the photos and paintings. He had also offered to build some new frames, but these had the screws visibly sticking out. Respectable one for Not Bob The Builder.

CB then nominated Poumuli for giving the Hash food poisoning two weeks ago. He followed up by inviting Hash to the Samoa Voyaging Society do on Thursday at the Club X. Sassy announced that there was also some old stock of shirts for sale to support Queen Bee, while Godfather announced that it was Sinalei’s 21st anniversary and that there would be a Sunday beach bash for 20 tala.

The Hares and Hosts were saluted before we ate a lot of pizza, sausages and bbq.

Next week’s Hash will be at AC/DC’s in Moamoa.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit