An epic Hash requires epic words to describe it, and we in the Hash have the best words, believe me. All others are total losers. So the Hash was hosted by Swinger, great guy, Godfather, staunch man, and Nelson, someone you can hang with. All solid Hashers. They follow me on Twitter. The run was set against a vast clearing sky over the sports grounds, and with the still hot sun baking the humidity up into the multiple hundreds – it was yuge. The pack went out left and after finding the first false trail, turned right past the fire station and the horse races. These are the best horses, you can ride them, you can pet the horses, you can grab them by the horses. Following the road on, at the t-junction by the golf course we had a false trail to the left, and the trail went right. Hitting the main road at the top, there was again a false trail towards Tradition Resort, with the real trail going towards the Head of State’s house. Never met him, have never heard of him. While some runners thought the trail would head up the river, and ran too far, POD found the trail leading into the old livestock track. This was an uphill muddy track that soon took on riparian qualities, given the overflowing waterfall. Soon we were ankle deep in a mixture of run-off water and cowdung, and then all of a sudden the trail took an even steeper turn up a hillock. At the halfway point there was a horse tethered, in the same way that most Samoan dogs are “secured” on their properties – there was a rope around its neck that was not fastened to anything. It became more and more feisty and agitated as the pack passed, and obviously wanted its horse to be grabbed. Under a fallen tree trunk, and up and over the hill, we entered some sort of Water Board facility, but it was easy to spot that it was out the bottom gate and downhill towards the sports fields again. Nice to come back to the house for Godfather’s cool refreshing nuts. He has the best nuts. The most refreshing nuts. I would date his nuts.
POD was GM, fruitlessly trying to persuade others to take a turn. She invited the newbies to step forward and these were Bitta (intern at MoH) brought by someone called Darrel, and Davina (at Ministry of Commerce) brought by Gagging Diva. Nom Nom then took the Name Recognition Award.
Retreads were Il Capo and Angry Bird (Italy), Potu (at his other home), Jessica (food poisoning), Swingmother (felt like she died for the last 12 months) and Captain Mortein tried to hide away so received a righteous serving of down down.
Shoe Inspector Jessica nearly failed, until Captain Mortein accused Swinger of having new shoes. Indeed he did have new shoes, but he hasn’t worn them to Hash yet, thus a false accusation and the start of a long evening for the Captain.
Celebrity Awards went to Davina and Screamer (for being in the paper for Oz Day), Cockblocker (headline proclaiming that a woman had sliced off her lover’s manhood with a sickle), Mr Whippy (story in paper about computer training) and Swinger and Slim Shady for not being in the paper.
This Day In History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1959 – MS Hans Hedtoft, said to be the safest ship afloat and "unsinkable" like the RMS Titanic, strikes an iceberg on her maiden voyage and sinks, killing all 95 aboard – Danish construction), Poumuli for Gayboy (1967 – The United States, United Kingdom, and Soviet Union sign the Outer Space Treaty in Washington, D.C., banning deployment of nuclear weapons in space, and limiting use of the Moon and other celestial bodies to peaceful purposes – no explosions around Uranus), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: On American television, U.S. President Bill Clinton denies having had "sexual relations" with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky), Tall Story (Australia Day) and Mr Whippy (Data Privacy Day).
Turning to the run, the GM had seen a lot of animal interactions, particularly the horse, which had been calm until Il Capo touched it. Whence upon it attacked Mr Whippy. But then he also fended off 5 dogs by himself. She also awarded two front running bastards for not finding the false trail – CB and Prue.
Opening for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick to announce the Valet Parker of the Year, who had blocked all other cars. But then, thinking about it she was sure it was the bitching wives that had caused it, and gave the award to Pirate Princess and Wahoo.
Next, Sassy was appalled that instead of looking out for Titty Galore getting welts from insect bites, but focussing instead of such welts increasing her bosom size, Godfather was given the I’m Proud Of You Award.
The GM had an award from last week, as Nom Nom had said he couldn’t come on the run, but they had run past his house where he was having a beer on the deck. He tried to explain but failed. Il Capo had been shocked on the run, first of all by Lewinsky running, but also that he had touched the GM’s bum. POD took this with good grace, showing of said derriere.
Screamer had had some difficulty parking, and blamed this on improper gardening by Swinger, which became Inadequate Shaving of the Bush Award.
The Mad Monk of Apia Hash then appeared out of the blue, and called forth a lady proficient in sharp things, cutting and stitching. Henceforth, Malu will be known as Snip & Tuck.
She then called forth a lady who even in the cold air conditioning, as well as elsewhere, compromises the Samoan heat by wearing short stuff – and being unable to find the clam sanctuary on the south side. Henceforth, Prue will be known as Peeping Clam.
Latecummers Witch Doctor and Black Pussy got their down downs, and Nelson nominated Captain Mortein for offering to paint the house, great guy that he is, but that he painted around the photos and paintings. He had also offered to build some new frames, but these had the screws visibly sticking out. Respectable one for Not Bob The Builder.
CB then nominated Poumuli for giving the Hash food poisoning two weeks ago. He followed up by inviting Hash to the Samoa Voyaging Society do on Thursday at the Club X. Sassy announced that there was also some old stock of shirts for sale to support Queen Bee, while Godfather announced that it was Sinalei’s 21st anniversary and that there would be a Sunday beach bash for 20 tala.
The Hares and Hosts were saluted before we ate a lot of pizza, sausages and bbq.
Next week’s Hash will be at AC/DC’s in Moamoa.
Poumuli, IKA Slit