Sunday, May 31, 2015

Independence Hash- 1st June - Hash 1779

Independence Day Hash will be hosted by Bogan Barbie at Sa'Moana Resort at Salamumu. Everyone is welcome to arrive from 11am onwards however the run will start at 2pm. See you South Side!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Hash Trash 1777

Do wot guvner, cor blimey, but writing this Hash Trash is well naff. Awrite, Ill giv it a crack. No fading daisy I aint. So the Hash was coming together over at Twin Peaks’s, ya know the geezer, Aussie fella, true blue, gets mistaken for some Kiwi tosser all the time. Don’t get me started on em an sheep an all. So there we wuz, hoping to get away from the ol ball an chain, but nah, she wanted to tag along. Keepin an eye or somethin. Anyways he lives over on that Bank street named after that rich wanker who owned the bank an all or sumthin. So Crime had been out an about, doin is old are and ounds stuff, but turns out he dun it wiv a car. So it was a well short one, bit like how long a skinhead would last in Brixton. We just went up the street, past some bloody vicious dogs, and I don’t mean the girls at on the rocks. Some farkin tosser had planted a bunch of green stuff in our way, but havin me noggin on I cottoned well fast that we better not step on any of it. When we got on to the mac again, we wuz well surprised that oi it was just straight back! Gave two fingers to them mormie buggers on the corner and stomped like a trooper down e ill. But mate, that crown china Godfather ad brought some of is nuts out, and that went down real well.

So POD called the circle to order and tried to sort out the by now bouncy circle. The only newbie Aaron was welcomed, while the plethora of retreads gave Lewinsky a headache. They were Moa, Vai Vai, Ozzie Osbourne, Ditch, Imelda da Welda, Witch Doctor, Gianluca, Prince and Chris.
Wahoo was appointed Shoe Inspector and she swooped on Poumuli, and even though he protested that he had drunk from the shoes at Hash 1775, it was to no avail. But at least Wahoo joined for false accusation. Yahoo was thrilled.

Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (in the Observer), Wahoo (for grandmum on front page, middle page all over) and Godfather (for Swinger’s mum).

This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (794 – King Æthelberht II of East Anglia visits the royal Mercian court at Sutton Walls, with a view to marrying princess Ælfthryth. He is taken captive and beheaded), Twin Peaks or Aunty Bruce (1990 – The General Assembly of the World Health Organization (WHO) eliminates homosexuality from the list of psychiatric diseases), Witch Doctor (Norway Constitution Day) and IRA for Slim Shady (International Museum Day (Slim Shady is now a landmark).

On the run, the GM had spotted Crime chariot riding, and this was doubled as he had also set the run on wheels. Lewinsky was also called for causing trouble, as he had taken off his wedding ring for some reason, misplaced it and proceeded to curse out his daughter for losing it. Well the ring was found where he had left it – Child Abuse Award.

Vai Vai was incensed to hear that Ditch hadn’t been coming to Hash as she “did her exercise elsewhere” – Hash is not exercise, we are not a sports club. But the GM decided that Vai Vai should join in this Unhasmanlike Behaviour Award for grasping at straws.

IRA nominated Aaron for joining the slim pickings of the cross-country run just after arriving in Samoa. Twin Peaks nominated Poumuli for being the only one in traditional costume, or dressed as a gay Viking as he put it, during the Norway Day Parade. Pointing out that this was sheer cultural confusion, Poumuli managed to get Twin Peaks to join him.

The GM suddenly recalled that there had been a historic win by Fiji in the 7s, and also that the US had won their first leg in London. Murray was called on behalf of Fiji and Eveready for the Yanks. Imelda was caught cellphonus interruptus, while Prince got the Racist Dog Award as Twin Peaks’ dog apparently dislikes Maoris more than Samoans.

Poumuli nominated Lewinsky for the Excessive Athleticism Award, joined by Aaron for his extra run with Speedhumper, and Twin Peaks and Crime for the very short run.

Godfather had been invited to Florence’s birthday but had been unable to attend, but was disappointed by reports that no mishaps had occurred, particularly one of those were assets and endowments could be put to good use by the Hash Meres. IRA took the Search and Rescue Award.

Poumuli gave a Hero Award to POD for running against doctors’ orders, while Witch Doctor gave him a Birthday Down Down. Godfather was surprised to see Moa and Vai Vai, as last time they had told him they were looking to settle in Tasmania – but it was too bloody cold.

Sassygirl BJ got a Latecummer Award.

We have no host for next week, and no Scribe for 4 weeks.

The Hare and the Host were saluted and on we went to chow.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, May 15, 2015

Hash Run 1777

Talofa Hashers
Twin Peaks will host Monday's run at his place on Bank Street, Vaoala. Take Cross Island Road and take Bank Street, go all the way to the end where it forks, take the left past the pinky-orangey house and up to the top, last house on the right.
Run will be catered, bring 20 tala Hash Cash, and be ready to start run at 5.30 PM

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1776

The Hash was hosted by Godfather and Titty Galore this beautiful Mother’s Day at Sinalei. Hashers started arriving in the morning to watch the outrigger regatta, and we set off on the run around 2 PM. It was not as hot as some other times at this venue, and the pack followed the trail up to the main road. The trail appeared to go left and we set off on a long amble in that direction, but a cross was found. Poumuli went to check the road down to Lupe’s and was sure he had found the trail, and went on home. The rest of the pack went back reacquired the trail and went for a somewhat longer run.

The GM called the circle to some sort of order and invited the newbies to introduce themselves. These were Aude from SPC, Alex and Kelly, volunteers brought by Sassygirl BJ. The retreads were Crash Bandicoot, Wahoo, Cougar, Swinger, Sunny Side Up, Luaao, Wacko, Captain Mortein, Titty G and Dumass/Spellcheck.

Cockblocker was reminded that he needed to inform his guests of the rules – forget what it was but he got his first down down. Celebrity Awards went to Gayboy (SHA considers “gay tourism”), Godfather (picture in paper of Godsister and quote from GF) and Hornithologist (photo from the Samoa Jazz Night).

This Day in History Awards went to Alex (he’s a Pom - 1386 – England and Portugal formally ratify their alliance with the signing of the Treaty of Windsor, making it the oldest diplomatic alliance in the world which is still in force), Captain Mortein (1864 – Second War of Schleswig: The Danish navy defeats the Austrian and Prussian fleets in the Battle of Heligoland), Twin Peaks (1901 – Australia opens its first parliament in Melbourne, and 1927 – The Australian Parliament first convenes in Canberra), Poumuli (1940 – The Norway Debate in the British House of Commons begins, and leads to the replacement of Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain with Winston Churchill three days later) and Aude and Kelly (Europe Day).

Murray then unveiled a Tittygram that he had procured for Godfather in the form of a t-shirt, but a From Russia With Love Award went to Titty G, joined by the tittygiver.

Swinger was appointed Shoe Inspector, and failed. The GM then gave Poumuli a False Trail Award, joined by Wacko and Crime.

Opening up for nominations, Twin Peaks had been annoyed at reading that there was a Kiwi impersonating him as a disgruntled Ozzie, this lead to an Unacceptable Gruntled Award. Karaoke was nominated for taking part in the Kids Regatta and loosing the 1st race.

Murray had overheard a disturbing conversation, and nominated Swinger for talking about kissing the Captain’s feet. Murray joined the Fetish Award for sharing  this grossness with the circle. Sassy nominated Slim Shady for nearly falling in the ditch, while Captain Mortein had a cellphonus interruptus moment.

While CB was awarded for calling Slim Shady by her real name, Sassy nominated for his No 1 Medal as offensive display on Mother’s Day. Godfather had been chatting with another proud father earlier, whose daughter had pood in the water. Poumuli got the CB Impersonator Award.

Bogun Barbie was awarded for dodging the retreads awards, while Murray failed to get IRA for dodging the EU Day. However Wahoo succeeded in getting an Indecent Bastard Award for Poumuli for leaving them that morning to go to a meeting in town.

Godfather was proud to welcome back Wacko and Luaao, since he had run with AH3 in the very early days, and it was their wedding anniversary. They had actually met at Hash. He also recounted how the name had been awarded, as Wacko had been lost on a run, the cops had to be called, and he only sauntered back at 5 AM the next day.

The Hash then sang Happy Birthday to Sassy, who was presented with a cake shaped as a blue penis.
The Hosts and Hare were saluted before a magnificent meal was consumed.

Next week’s run is at Twin Peaks on Bank Street in Vaoala.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Hash Run 1776 @ Sinalei

Talofa Hashers
The Mother's Day Hash on the holiday Monday will be hosted by Godfather and Titty Galore at Sinalei Resort on the south side. Take the Cross Island Road over the hill and turn right at the 4 corners. Please park over towards the right hand side and make your way down past the hotel on foot rather than go through the main entrance. You can see the path to the beach. Kids are welcome but need to stay in the beach area - loos are provided.
The hosts will cater the event. You can turn up from 11 AM onward and the run will start at 2 PM.
Dont forget your 20 tala Hash Cash

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1775

The Hash was hosted by Sassygirl BJ at the Eagle’s Nest in Letogo. Perched high above the hoi polloi, she sent Crime, a representative thereof, to do her bidding in setting a trail. Traffic coming out of town was not conducive to an orderly arrival, so it was a relatively modest sized pack that set out on the trail, marked with delightful swirls of gaily coloured shredded cellulose. As we observed the glorious clouds over the Pacific, perhaps pondering the futility of such passing beauty, we were confronted with the realization that the trail went straight up into a vertiginous verdant and luxuriant slope of grassland. Containing, we quickly surmised, a plethora of striking and keen edged plants known as Youfuckinbastard stickylongand cutyou samoensis grass. This spiteful lupus of the botanical muddle that makes up Samoan biodiversity quite literally cut us to pieces on the way up. The sole consolation was the fact that the pack stayed united in its misery and progressed upwards together, albeit only until Godfather spotted a shortcut familiar to him. This left Sam and Poumuli as lonely legionnaires in the fight to conquer this mordant prickly hill. Our pointed remarks were by no means indicative of any griping on the trail, soon to be made illegal once the provisional Hash Rules are adopted. Nevertheless, our relief at being relieved of the hellish foliage was terminated, as we realized it was soon to be replaced by a gooey combination of slime and gloopy detritus. Nevertheless the sun was shining bright upon our shoulders as we entered the leafy undergrowth and squelched through the ankle deep repositories of mire and muck. Sure footed we quickly caught up with the short cutters and walkers and ran the trail back. Inspired by the visualization of getting ones footwear removed and washed, Sam and Poumuli managed the final sprint up the zenith of a driveway. Thus exhausted and fragrantly malodorous, they watched from the balcony in sheer wonder – surely such speed in Lewinsky could only have been induced by speed? The pack was greeted warmly by the non-runners and decimated the succulent coco kernels, the sweet comestibles brought by Godfather.

Enough long words for you plebs?

The GM called the circle into sitting order as we were not that many and Sassy had enough chairs – well one was broken and she kept returning to it with much hilarity around. There were no newbies, and the retreads were Sam, Schumacher, who were joined by Gayboy for claiming he had attended a hash hosted by someone called Samm.

Murray was appointed Shoe Inspector, and as Poumuli was already volunteering his new shoe, this was deemed a failure so Murray had to join. Thank God that is out of the way now. Celebrity Awards went to the GM (photo in the paper for the ANZAC Challenge), Poumuli double (photo in full uniform at ANZAC – no those medals are real Lewinsky, and a SPREP one from Noumea), Slippery (his wife was in paper) and Eveready for managing to avoid a single photo on ANZAC Day.

This Day in History went to Sassy (1946 – The "Battle of Alcatraz" takes place; two guards and three inmates are killed, Lewinsky (1994 – Former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones files a lawsuit against United States President Bill Clinton, alleging that he had sexually harassed her in 1991), Godfather for Swinger (Feast Day of St James the Less), Crime (Feast Day of St Monica of Hippo) and Gayboy (Lei Day in Hawaii).

The GM started her nominations with a breath of fresh air, not, nominating Lewinsky who during their training run for the challenge had gone up Palisi, and on the way down his bolu fell out of his shorts. We were too incredulous with laughter to decide whether this was a Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction Award or Advertising Tiger Award, especially after the question was raised as to how far out the bolu had fallen.

She then called up Crime for the setting of the run, and that he should have taken a bush knife with him. Since he claimed he HAD taken a bush knife but it was blunt he was given the huge glass by Lewinsky. Karaoke was also called up for being the only smart one to wear tights – Lewinsky said he wished he had worn tights, but all and sundry were glad as no one wished to see his bolu.

In honour of their athletic achievement of being the only two that did the whole run, Sam and Poumuli were called forth. Since both are recovering from leg injuries this remarkable accomplishment was recognized by the huge glass being proffered on Poumuli.

Gayboy was asked where the Shrine was, as the GM wanted to add Sam’s commemorative shirt for the Manu Samoa-All Blacks game, and ignored his oft-repeated plea that he was on anti-biotics. Slippery was nominated for the official complaint from the US Vets that they had not been recognized in the ANZAC. Schumacher foolishly opined that Yanks never complain or litigate, and thus joined the accused in the dock.

A Commiseration Award was given to Manny Pacquiao, who unfortunately was not present, but his closest living resembler was given this instead – Sam – he does look a bit like him, but you’d need to break his nose, take away his vocabulary, add a few tasteless tattoos and make him speak more sing-songy.

The GM was made aware that Gayboy would have to leave, but needed to share the story of Tia having her car brake down and that he would have to drive her. Why not let her use your car? Because she lives in the village and someone will throw a car at my rock.

Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky called on the Ozzies for getting a hiding from the Kiwis in the ANZAC test – POD, Slippery and yes again Murray.

Godfather noted how proud he was of Lewinsky, who when he arrived had grabbed what looked like a heavy crate from POD and carried it up the slippery steep driveway. But apparently POD had seen the ogling wolf pack on the balcony and was ready to protect her husband. Murray interjected that normally expressions of pride from Godfather involved someone’s boobs, so Lewinsky jiggled it, just a little bit.

Poumuli nominated Murray for a Pre-emptive Strike Award, as he had explained the rationale for his being mislabelled the disgruntled Ozzie, and that said disgruntled Ozzie had replied – you’ve been impersonating me. As this would have been a perfect award, Murray had foiled the attempt. Since Poumuli, and Murray, were deemed guilty of using big words, they both got the award.

Gayboy, who had not left yet, nominated Lewinsky for telling the same old lie of the one that got away after the fishing tournament. He was forced to join for cellphonus interruptus, and POD doubled Lewinsky’s as he had for once come back safely, on the boat, and not on the esky.

Sam then nominated Godfather for initiating the shortcut. Sassy got Sam for the excellent service provided in getting her the pay-per-view sorted. Eveready congratulated and nominated the GM for the excellent roundtable setting of the circle. He was reminded that if he came to Hash more often he would have been familiar with this concept, but the vote gave it to both of them.

Poumuli, recalling that the Hash Rules had not yet been adopted, but noted the prohibition against training, and that he had seen Lewinsky doing just that. Lewinsky countered that he was just a lokoleaga and nominated Poumuli for the Discouraging A Hasher Award. Again the vote went to both.

Having noted that there was an accident at Sassy’s some days ago, Poumuli asked what would you do if you saw a serious accident outside – would you a) call the emergency services, b) go down and check all is allright or c) take a photo and post it on Facebook. Sassy did c) so got the Facebook Award, joined by Gayboy for driving skills and Karaoke for something related to potty training.
Next week’s run will be Mother’s Day Hash at Sinalei. Godfather’s request on parking and entrance will be relayed. He also noted that the Circus will be in Poutasi Thu-Sat and encouraged us all to attend.

We saluted the Hare and Host, Crime and Sassy, and went on to eat much more delicious food than we needed, but there was lots.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, May 04, 2015

Hash Run 1775

Dear all
Hash will be hosted by Sassygirl BJ at her place in Letogo, see map below. It will be a BYO run so please bring something for the BBQ or for sharing. Run starts at 5.30 PM, and bring your 20 tala Hash Cash
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Run 1775 - Trotting from Sassy at Letogo

Mahalo Meres and hashmen

As we could not find a host, Sassy is offering her place for this evening's trot. This is a BYO banger lol so bring a sosisi or two to share. Will have a fire going so you can roast merrily to your heart's content.

Run to start at 5.30 sharp thereby avoiding losing any stray runner in the dark :)

Bring your self, hash cash and we are good to go