Thursday, May 07, 2015

Hash Trash 1775

The Hash was hosted by Sassygirl BJ at the Eagle’s Nest in Letogo. Perched high above the hoi polloi, she sent Crime, a representative thereof, to do her bidding in setting a trail. Traffic coming out of town was not conducive to an orderly arrival, so it was a relatively modest sized pack that set out on the trail, marked with delightful swirls of gaily coloured shredded cellulose. As we observed the glorious clouds over the Pacific, perhaps pondering the futility of such passing beauty, we were confronted with the realization that the trail went straight up into a vertiginous verdant and luxuriant slope of grassland. Containing, we quickly surmised, a plethora of striking and keen edged plants known as Youfuckinbastard stickylongand cutyou samoensis grass. This spiteful lupus of the botanical muddle that makes up Samoan biodiversity quite literally cut us to pieces on the way up. The sole consolation was the fact that the pack stayed united in its misery and progressed upwards together, albeit only until Godfather spotted a shortcut familiar to him. This left Sam and Poumuli as lonely legionnaires in the fight to conquer this mordant prickly hill. Our pointed remarks were by no means indicative of any griping on the trail, soon to be made illegal once the provisional Hash Rules are adopted. Nevertheless, our relief at being relieved of the hellish foliage was terminated, as we realized it was soon to be replaced by a gooey combination of slime and gloopy detritus. Nevertheless the sun was shining bright upon our shoulders as we entered the leafy undergrowth and squelched through the ankle deep repositories of mire and muck. Sure footed we quickly caught up with the short cutters and walkers and ran the trail back. Inspired by the visualization of getting ones footwear removed and washed, Sam and Poumuli managed the final sprint up the zenith of a driveway. Thus exhausted and fragrantly malodorous, they watched from the balcony in sheer wonder – surely such speed in Lewinsky could only have been induced by speed? The pack was greeted warmly by the non-runners and decimated the succulent coco kernels, the sweet comestibles brought by Godfather.

Enough long words for you plebs?

The GM called the circle into sitting order as we were not that many and Sassy had enough chairs – well one was broken and she kept returning to it with much hilarity around. There were no newbies, and the retreads were Sam, Schumacher, who were joined by Gayboy for claiming he had attended a hash hosted by someone called Samm.

Murray was appointed Shoe Inspector, and as Poumuli was already volunteering his new shoe, this was deemed a failure so Murray had to join. Thank God that is out of the way now. Celebrity Awards went to the GM (photo in the paper for the ANZAC Challenge), Poumuli double (photo in full uniform at ANZAC – no those medals are real Lewinsky, and a SPREP one from Noumea), Slippery (his wife was in paper) and Eveready for managing to avoid a single photo on ANZAC Day.

This Day in History went to Sassy (1946 – The "Battle of Alcatraz" takes place; two guards and three inmates are killed, Lewinsky (1994 – Former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones files a lawsuit against United States President Bill Clinton, alleging that he had sexually harassed her in 1991), Godfather for Swinger (Feast Day of St James the Less), Crime (Feast Day of St Monica of Hippo) and Gayboy (Lei Day in Hawaii).

The GM started her nominations with a breath of fresh air, not, nominating Lewinsky who during their training run for the challenge had gone up Palisi, and on the way down his bolu fell out of his shorts. We were too incredulous with laughter to decide whether this was a Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction Award or Advertising Tiger Award, especially after the question was raised as to how far out the bolu had fallen.

She then called up Crime for the setting of the run, and that he should have taken a bush knife with him. Since he claimed he HAD taken a bush knife but it was blunt he was given the huge glass by Lewinsky. Karaoke was also called up for being the only smart one to wear tights – Lewinsky said he wished he had worn tights, but all and sundry were glad as no one wished to see his bolu.

In honour of their athletic achievement of being the only two that did the whole run, Sam and Poumuli were called forth. Since both are recovering from leg injuries this remarkable accomplishment was recognized by the huge glass being proffered on Poumuli.

Gayboy was asked where the Shrine was, as the GM wanted to add Sam’s commemorative shirt for the Manu Samoa-All Blacks game, and ignored his oft-repeated plea that he was on anti-biotics. Slippery was nominated for the official complaint from the US Vets that they had not been recognized in the ANZAC. Schumacher foolishly opined that Yanks never complain or litigate, and thus joined the accused in the dock.

A Commiseration Award was given to Manny Pacquiao, who unfortunately was not present, but his closest living resembler was given this instead – Sam – he does look a bit like him, but you’d need to break his nose, take away his vocabulary, add a few tasteless tattoos and make him speak more sing-songy.

The GM was made aware that Gayboy would have to leave, but needed to share the story of Tia having her car brake down and that he would have to drive her. Why not let her use your car? Because she lives in the village and someone will throw a car at my rock.

Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky called on the Ozzies for getting a hiding from the Kiwis in the ANZAC test – POD, Slippery and yes again Murray.

Godfather noted how proud he was of Lewinsky, who when he arrived had grabbed what looked like a heavy crate from POD and carried it up the slippery steep driveway. But apparently POD had seen the ogling wolf pack on the balcony and was ready to protect her husband. Murray interjected that normally expressions of pride from Godfather involved someone’s boobs, so Lewinsky jiggled it, just a little bit.

Poumuli nominated Murray for a Pre-emptive Strike Award, as he had explained the rationale for his being mislabelled the disgruntled Ozzie, and that said disgruntled Ozzie had replied – you’ve been impersonating me. As this would have been a perfect award, Murray had foiled the attempt. Since Poumuli, and Murray, were deemed guilty of using big words, they both got the award.

Gayboy, who had not left yet, nominated Lewinsky for telling the same old lie of the one that got away after the fishing tournament. He was forced to join for cellphonus interruptus, and POD doubled Lewinsky’s as he had for once come back safely, on the boat, and not on the esky.

Sam then nominated Godfather for initiating the shortcut. Sassy got Sam for the excellent service provided in getting her the pay-per-view sorted. Eveready congratulated and nominated the GM for the excellent roundtable setting of the circle. He was reminded that if he came to Hash more often he would have been familiar with this concept, but the vote gave it to both of them.

Poumuli, recalling that the Hash Rules had not yet been adopted, but noted the prohibition against training, and that he had seen Lewinsky doing just that. Lewinsky countered that he was just a lokoleaga and nominated Poumuli for the Discouraging A Hasher Award. Again the vote went to both.

Having noted that there was an accident at Sassy’s some days ago, Poumuli asked what would you do if you saw a serious accident outside – would you a) call the emergency services, b) go down and check all is allright or c) take a photo and post it on Facebook. Sassy did c) so got the Facebook Award, joined by Gayboy for driving skills and Karaoke for something related to potty training.
Next week’s run will be Mother’s Day Hash at Sinalei. Godfather’s request on parking and entrance will be relayed. He also noted that the Circus will be in Poutasi Thu-Sat and encouraged us all to attend.

We saluted the Hare and Host, Crime and Sassy, and went on to eat much more delicious food than we needed, but there was lots.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

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