Apia Hash House Harriers: Hash Trash 1777

Do wot guvner, cor blimey, but writing this Hash Trash is well naff. Awrite, Ill giv it a crack. No fading daisy I aint. So the Hash was coming together over at Twin Peaks’s, ya know the geezer, Aussie fella, true blue, gets mistaken for some Kiwi tosser all the time. Don’t get me started on em an sheep an all. So there we wuz, hoping to get away from the ol ball an chain, but nah, she wanted to tag along. Keepin an eye or somethin. Anyways he lives over on that Bank street named after that rich wanker who owned the bank an all or sumthin. So Crime had been out an about, doin is old are and ounds stuff, but turns out he dun it wiv a car. So it was a well short one, bit like how long a skinhead would last in Brixton. We just went up the street, past some bloody vicious dogs, and I don’t mean the girls at on the rocks. Some farkin tosser had planted a bunch of green stuff in our way, but havin me noggin on I cottoned well fast that we better not step on any of it. When we got on to the mac again, we wuz well surprised that oi it was just straight back! Gave two fingers to them mormie buggers on the corner and stomped like a trooper down e ill. But mate, that crown china Godfather ad brought some of is nuts out, and that went down real well.

So POD called the circle to order and tried to sort out the by now bouncy circle. The only newbie Aaron was welcomed, while the plethora of retreads gave Lewinsky a headache. They were Moa, Vai Vai, Ozzie Osbourne, Ditch, Imelda da Welda, Witch Doctor, Gianluca, Prince and Chris.

Wahoo was appointed Shoe Inspector and she swooped on Poumuli, and even though he protested that he had drunk from the shoes at Hash 1775, it was to no avail. But at least Wahoo joined for false accusation. Yahoo was thrilled.

Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (in the Observer), Wahoo (for grandmum on front page, middle page all over) and Godfather (for Swinger’s mum).

This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (794 – King Æthelberht II of East Anglia visits the royal Mercian court at Sutton Walls, with a view to marrying princess Ælfthryth. He is taken captive and beheaded), Twin Peaks or Aunty Bruce (1990 – The General Assembly of the World Health Organization (WHO) eliminates homosexuality from the list of psychiatric diseases), Witch Doctor (Norway Constitution Day) and IRA for Slim Shady (International Museum Day (Slim Shady is now a landmark).

On the run, the GM had spotted Crime chariot riding, and this was doubled as he had also set the run on wheels. Lewinsky was also called for causing trouble, as he had taken off his wedding ring for some reason, misplaced it and proceeded to curse out his daughter for losing it. Well the ring was found where he had left it – Child Abuse Award.

Vai Vai was incensed to hear that Ditch hadn’t been coming to Hash as she “did her exercise elsewhere” – Hash is not exercise, we are not a sports club. But the GM decided that Vai Vai should join in this Unhasmanlike Behaviour Award for grasping at straws.

IRA nominated Aaron for joining the slim pickings of the cross-country run just after arriving in Samoa. Twin Peaks nominated Poumuli for being the only one in traditional costume, or dressed as a gay Viking as he put it, during the Norway Day Parade. Pointing out that this was sheer cultural confusion, Poumuli managed to get Twin Peaks to join him.

The GM suddenly recalled that there had been a historic win by Fiji in the 7s, and also that the US had won their first leg in London. Murray was called on behalf of Fiji and Eveready for the Yanks. Imelda was caught cellphonus interruptus, while Prince got the Racist Dog Award as Twin Peaks’ dog apparently dislikes Maoris more than Samoans.

Poumuli nominated Lewinsky for the Excessive Athleticism Award, joined by Aaron for his extra run with Speedhumper, and Twin Peaks and Crime for the very short run.

Godfather had been invited to Florence’s birthday but had been unable to attend, but was disappointed by reports that no mishaps had occurred, particularly one of those were assets and endowments could be put to good use by the Hash Meres. IRA took the Search and Rescue Award.

Poumuli gave a Hero Award to POD for running against doctors’ orders, while Witch Doctor gave him a Birthday Down Down. Godfather was surprised to see Moa and Vai Vai, as last time they had told him they were looking to settle in Tasmania – but it was too bloody cold.