Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hash Run 1616 - Hookerlure & GM SOTB are co-hosting at Vaoala!!!

Talofa lava you wonderful vibrant hashmen and hash meres!!!

Just stopping by with some more info for next Monday's run up at Vaoala. Map to come from GM!

  • This is a BYO - BRING YOUR OWN (for those who are not familiar with the acronym) and refers to food stuff like meats, a salad, a loaf of bread...just don't all turn up with a loaf of bread each, unless you prefer bbq bread! So if you enjoy a bit of kaikai, then bring it along to share!
  • The Theme is "NATURE LOVERS RUN" - wear some leaves, a leaf, or if you are allergic to leaves then wear some clothing that has images of leaves and animals!
  • Hash Run is SAT15/person, free for children up to 10 years, above 10-15yrs: SAT10@ and above that, well i guess you are on SAT15!
  • Bring change in case it rains!
  • If it rains, please keep off the lawn!!!


Monday, March 26, 2012

Hash Run 1615 - Godfather & Pool Boy @ Faleata Horse Racing Grounds

Good morning to you all on this wet but exciting hash Monday!

Tonight's run will be up at the Faleata Turf Club (Horse Racing Course) and its being kindly hosted by Godfather, Pool Boy & Queen-B. Tonight promises to be another fun run and with weather like this, it is best that you bring a change of clothes, or two.

The hosts will be providing a spread tonight so just come with your change of clothes, your hash cash and your drinking boots! ( I hear it's a certain hash man's birthday today too)

Run will start at 1730Hrs, there will be a keg and all the goodies so see you all there!

On On

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Hash Trash 1614

The Hash was hosted by Chi at the house behind Sunrise restaurant. It had been a rainy day, so the weather was quite cool. The run had been set on paper and on chalk, the pink kind as Chi said he was too cheap to get the proper stuff! Dollar store advertisement! Off we went out the gate and down the road to Togafuafua, hitting the Vaitele road, with a few false trails leading down Ifififi Street, and a tempting one up to Apaula heights. The real trail was found by Tallyho, who not only shouted On On, but also his name, presumably to stave off imminent dementia and loss of self-recognition. Anyway, this went UP Ififi, until we found the trail again off the cross road to Falealili. We headed further along the road when we got to the bridge and the old hydro plant pipe, and followed the Vaisigano river. This was a bit of a challenge for some – it was possible to do this dry-shod, if you could spot the flat rocks under the clumpy grass. Others just jumped into the water and waded. The trail went back and forth across the river, but the back runners could see where the FRBs were, so stayed on one side of the river, jumping into the bushes rather than the river. While this precipitated a wasp attack on some of the Hashers, at least their feet were dry! Until we really HAD to cross the river – this included jumping into a nice pool for some, while others took a lengthier detour to save their reek for later sharing. Then it was up to Faatoia and back home. The last bit of the run was quite heavy, with water sodden footwear and running gear, lots of traffic and dogs. But Godfather’s sweet nuts were waiting!

SOTB was not too exhausted and called the circle to order. A moment of silence was observed for the recently departed GM of the Suva Hash. Taskala had passed away in the night after last week’s hash in Suva, and was a great hasher and a friend of many in the Apia Hash. There were mutterings both pro and con on whether this should be used as a precedent to smother our own GM in his sleep.

There were two who were new to Apia Hash – Keiko (JICA volunteer at the hospital) and Veta (helping Chi as co-hare). The rethreads were Poolboy (fixing pools), Queen Biatch (busy bossing the poolboy), Top Shelf (dogbite), Fang (on parole). They were the first to suffer the unusually large Hash Mugs (more like pints) that Lewinsky had procured.

Celebrity Awards went to Captain Mortein (spotted by the GM on TV), Sassygirl BJ (spotted by Chi in the Observer), and Tiger Woody (something about a golf club presented to the Head of State – Crime nearest living relative). This Day in History Award was thwarted by many intended victims being absent, but we got Lewinsky (St Patricks Day and he looks Irish), and Tallyho (1649 – England House of Commons abolish temporarily the House of Lords, declaring it useless and dangerous to the people of England – Tallyho objected, saying he was neither as he was in Samoa and not England). After some grumbling he noted that the Poms and the Welsh were united against the Vikings – mistaking the Paddies due to Lewinsky’s red shirt.

The GM began his awards with a Survival Port Moresby Award to Poumuli, who needed to throw a third of it over his shoulder. Then there was a DIY Fail Award to Captain Mortein, who’s self constructed towbar arrangement had disintegrated.

He also noted that the runs had seen the “real men” of the Hash jump without hesitation into the pool, except one – Tallyho, who now looked like he had peed himself. After a quick fondling by Fang, he declared that he was a Pom, and didn’t even jump into a bath!

Driving along Beach Road, the GM had spotted some modifications to HQ1, then discovered that these had been done without permit from the landlord nor with any environmental impact assessments – Lewinsky stepped forward for the Toilet Venting Award. On the theme of modification, the GM had received complaints that the venue was in fact an undercover brothel, and that this had not been transmitted to the single Hashers, so Chi go the Red Light Award.

Opening up for nominations, Sassy of course was eager to try her hand, but messed up a bit between the not living up to name or bad parenting, as Horny Ho had entrusted her kids to run with Sassy. This was more a What The Hell Were You Thinking Award.
Chi nominated all those wearing green for St Patricks to take one – GM, Crime, Queen B, Hideo, Sam, Poolboy – with Tallyho escaping as his knee braces were not green naturally, but had taken on the teal hue from the various effluents that had coursed down upon them.

Bruce then launched an all-out FBI ramble about unsafe parking and disobeying regulations aimed at Lewinsky through POD. Apparently he had spotted their vehicle by the Government buildings next to a do not park sign with an angry security guard in attendance. Before Lewinsky could utter “blasphemy” POD calmly explained that she had parked there at the instruction of the kind security guard, who had taken gentlemanly concern at her state of inflation into account. Boomerang Award for Bruce.

On a roll from guarding the keg, Chi rambled on about a church burning down and the fire department not getting there quick enough. Sam tried his best to get out of it, but a vote doomed them both. POD then nominated the GM for flaunting his dongle in front of the government buildings, an event that had been captured on the news!
Sassy sought to nominate the Hares for reckless endangerment, viz the wasp attack on the trail. When Chi pointed out that this had occurred on an unauthorized short-cut Sassy got the False Accusation Award in return. She was joined by Godfather and Crime for their blatant shortcutting, with GF gamely stepping in to drink from his until now hidden new shoe! What a Hasher – phenomenal!

While all this was going on, Poumuli had been shocked rigid by the spectacle of the little girls doing poledancing in the living room, which he pointed out to the GM. A Bad Parenting Award to Lewinsky. Chi and Crime had gone to a paddling contest, after or during which Crime had disappeared, which led to a Chi Abandonment Award. Also, the Captain’s daughter was next spotted poledancing.

Tallyho nominated all those who were quietly maintaining a low profile in the circle – Skidmark and Dave. Bruce, well known for his dedication to women’s rights, decried the fact that poledancing had been invented in Norway. While Poumuli justly denied any responsibility for what the hell Norwegian girls get up to, he had to join Witch Doctor in this award. [Quick check – poledancing probably started in the US in the 1920s, but the first poledancing contests were held in 2005 – in Australia! Pleas note this GM.]

Karaoke was supposed to take Ring Ring home from last hash, but she was late coming home – she had been driven home by Tallyho. As the GM had spotted Karaoke turning up to the hash with Tallyho, he quickly deduced that this was a Jealousy Award for the entire threesome.

Poumuli reminded the GM, and Tallyho confirmed, that rule number 1 of the Hash was “no poofters on the Hash”, which sort of contradicted the sign erected over Chi’s venue, offering “gatering – you name it”. Spelling and punctuation are very important! This was obviously confusing but Chi took it anyway.

The Host and Hares were saluted, with Sassy joining in for her persistent pushiness in getting Chi to host, and Lewinsky for something unintelligible.

Next week’s hash will be hosted by Godfather and Poolboy at the racetrack, and will be catered. Bring a change of clothes – oh no not again! The week after will be hosted by Hooker Lua and SOTB in Vaoala, with the Easter Hash being hosted at Aqua Samoa.

Your Scribe will be in Tokyo, so a volunteer Scribe is needed. Please Desperate Housewife!!!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Hash Run 1614 - Chi (Behind Sunrise Restaurant)

Afternoon All,

Next week's Run (19th March 2012) will be hosted by Chi, just behind Sunrise Restaurant in town (Togafu'a fu'a). The host is putting on some food but has asked if you could also bring something extra to throw on the bbq.

You will need a change of clothes as the host has told me you will most likely be getting wet during the run (not that kind of wet...get your mind out of the gutter) bring a change of clothes and a towel.

There will be a keg, softies and Godfather's sweet starts 1730Hrs, dont forget your hash cash of $15 tala

On On

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Hash Trash 1613

Greetings Hashers from Port Moresby - or appinoon. An excellent trash from Assistant Trainee Scribe, Desperate Housewife. Enjoy and see you next week
Poumuli, IKA Slit

After no offers of hosting the Hash, Lewinsky kindly stepped up to the plate and allowed his establishment to be the location of Hash Run 1613. As this was a last minute location, no run was set. So the Hashers arrived, waiting for the ever so jolly Tallyho to be the Hare. Unfortunately Tallyho was running late and the Hashers could wait no longer. Ring Ring came to the rescue, becoming the Hare. She set off at a lightning pace through the back of the Cop Shop and onto Cross Island Rd. After a few twists and turns, we were then heading quite precariously over the 4 lanes to the other side of the road. It was a bit like the video game “Frogger” [Ed note – hm that ages the Scribe!] as we dodged the Peak Hour traffic of Apia. Luckily no fatalities occurred and on we went.

One street got some of the Hashers feeling a bit “high” due to the smoke of a “home grown plant” some taxi drivers were toking. After we came “down”, and as it was quite a warm day, Ring Ring took a breather (much to the relief of her followers) and so for a while it was a nice walk through the town. The walk got one of the Hashers edgy and he decided to run past the Hare at one stage. No one must have told him the rules when he was in Honiara Hash. We ended up passing JP’s Fitness Centre and then back across the 4 lanes (this time with the aid of the traffic lights). Then resumed running back down Vaea Street and finished back at On The Rocks. Not a very long run, but with the temperature as it was, the Hashers were not too fussed and were happy to sit in the shady rubble of what used to be Crabbers and enjoy a nice cold Vailima. It was then that we saw Tallyho heading back from his run (from the opposite direction).

Not long after, the Hash Circle was called to order. Only one rethread - being Hot Rod, who was just turning up to say hi to the fellow Hashers and got himself caught up in the circle taking his down down. His excuse for not coming to Hash, pretty lame, “I’ve been working”.
No new shoes, but Tallyho commented on how clean Slim Shady’s jandalled feet were and so she had to drink.
Celebrity award went to Witch Doctor (on behalf of Poumuli) for being in the Observer on Monday (SPREP climate change workshop). Arsewipe or Skidmark (on behalf of Sexpot) for some Westpac related media; and Sassygirl for being in the Observer that day (Leadership Samoa Graduation).

This Day in History went to the following: 1876 – Alexander Graeme Bell made his first phone call – GM and Ring Ring;
1928 - St Francis Dam in California collapses – Lewinsky took on behalf of Crash who was absent;
1933 - Pres. Roosevelt orders banks re-opened after his enforced bank holiday during Great Depression – Skidmark the banker;
1994 - Church of England ordains female priests – well we’ve had a female hash monk for years – Sassy took on her behalf being the closest living relative of the Hash Monk plus Tallyho who was at a Church of England service with GF and there was a female priest conducting the service;
2011 – 1 year anniversary of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant explosion – Toko and Ninja drank in remembrance.

GM Award went to Tallyho – who picked up a piece of metal whilst the Hash Circle was happening from the demolition site we were congregating at. It was a dirty old spoon. Tallyho countered stating that he wants to start up a “Hash Shrine” in which Hashers can pick up mementos from runs and then look upon them and reminisce. GM just thought Tallyho was short on cutlery and so he had to drink up.

Assistant Scribe, DH, got done for leaning as she was so focused on her scribing, she was in the zone and didn’t realise it was happening. She thinks Lewinsky set her up by telling her to stand by the wall in the first place.

Latecummers included Tooth Fairy, Snatched and Pro Bono.

Lewinsky got called up for coming to the rescue and providing the venue.

Nominations then began. Desperate Housewife got in first (before Sassygirl!) and nominated Slim Shady for lung poisoning after blowing a mouthful of cigarette smoke staight into DH’s face who was still in need of oxygen after just coming back from the run. Sassygirl nominated Wahoo for protecting the keg whilst we were all running, although the keg was somewhat emptier than how we left it – interesting!

Slim Shady nominated Sassygirl for making SS talk to a drunken old man all night at Ynot after Sassy had done all the flirting in the first place. Sassygirl then called up Tallyho into the Hash Circle for suggesting all the Grumpy Old Bastards patronizing OTR’s should be drowned out to sea (even though one of them was the GMs father). Tallyho appealed for right of reply saying that Sassy at the time had agreed with him. In the end, it was voted that Lewinsky take the down down as the owner of the establishment where the GOBs drink.

Tallyho then chose Godfather for, as the bible states, “bearing false witness” against him. When GF asked what false witness he was suggesting, Tallyho had no reply. However, GF took it on the chin and drank up. A nomination went to soon to be father, Tooth Fairy, who’ll be off island in lead up to his baby’s birth – an early wetting of the baby’s head.

Sassygirl nominated Hooker Lua for going to the gym too much that she is too tired to participate in the Hash Run/Walk. Right of reply was that she wants to keep fit and likes to come for the drinking part. She took a double spin class down down.

GM nominated Titty G for asking him to get her name tattooed on his body – making GF jealous and to make matters worse she passed on her glass to Crime instead of her man. Crime then had to do another scull for accepting Titty G’s offloads.

Sassygirl then called Slim Shady up for calling GM’s tatt an Avaava instead of a shark (which it is meant to be).

Witchdoctor called Wahoo up as she was turning 14 the next day – underage drinking!! [Ed note – this is incorrect, it was on 6th of March!)

The Mata Aitu Award went to two recipients. First, a non-Hasher, a patron of On the Rocks, Fritz, who said that Hooker Lua’s malu wasn’t traditional but was really only saying it so he could perv on her sexy legs. Second, to Slippery for taking his camera on the run.

Ring Ring nominated Skidmark who overtook the Hare during the run. The poor guy is trying to lay off the beers – Monday isn’t a day to begin that!

The Pedophilia Award went to ponytailed Dave who was chatting up underage locals whilst on the run.

Sassygirl then called Lewinsky to the circle for holding Titty G’s keys away from her so he could get close to her tits. His right of reply was that she asked him to drop the keys on her tits and said “I got ya!” so Titty G was given the Entrapment Award for enticing a married man who is expecting his third child. [Ed note – is that Lewinsky expecting or POD?]

In lieu of the demolition of the Fale Fono, Tallyho said it was a crime against history pulling the fale down so Crime was called up to take the scull. There was also eye witness accounts of Crime stealing stuff from the demolition site after the Fale Fono was pulled down – but unfortunately that is all “hearsay”.

The Slutty Leadership Award went to Sassy on behalf of Snatched who said Sassy made a conservative uniform look slutty (at the Leadership Samoa Graduation).

Hooker Lua called up GM for joining the land of ink with his new tatt.

Slim Shady nominated Ninja for telling her that she must come topless to work in her new job. She is now even thinking of a career change – porn star? During this conversation, Tallyho’s spoon (which was stuck down his pants) started moving erratically. Ninja couldn’t finish his down down so gave it to Tallyho for the second time of the night – we think Ninja is becoming Tallyho’s new drinks bitch.

Tallyho then proceeded to call up Snatched for rubbing a stick up and down his leg during most of the proceedings. Snatched then confided that she actually was meant to be rubbing Hot Rod’s leg instead. Tallyho wished it was Harry Potter’s wand – not sure why – you’ll have to ask him.

Snatched then called up DH for being studious and taking notes on such a big pad, DH replied that little ones weren’t as good. Double entendre?

Pro Bono was then called up by Lewinsky and had a down down for winning her first court case. 100% success rate. Although it took a long time to down her drink, we were up to the third chorus by the time she finished.

Finally the Hare and Host, Ring Ring and Lewinsky were called into the circle and that concluded the Hash ceremony for the night.

Next week is still open and those who have not yet hosted or haven’t hosted in a while are encouraged to put their hand up, as it’s unfair for the same people to keep hosting.

On On
Desperate Housewife

Monday, March 12, 2012

Hash Run 12th March 2012

Hello all you wonderful hashers

Today's run will be from second headquarters, On the Rocks (OTR) so bring your good selves, your SAT15 and a bit extra to chip in for the pizzas afterwards. We have decided to avoid the BYO BBQ today as there is no where to do it!!!

Also advise the GM if you can set the run 7500767



Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Hash Trash 1612

Greetings Hashers. That was such an epic run that one needs to go biblical again.

Yea verily it came to pass, in the days of the rule of the GM SOTB, son of mad monk of Hash, that the Hash was called forth to gather at the dwelling of Ladyfinger, grand merchant of bendy yellow fruit. And the Hash arrived in twos and threes, and the rain poured down, verily like canines and felines. Fearing that he would have to pack the Hashers into an ark in twos, leporidean Pussysnatcher ventured into the wilderness to find the markings that are known as trail, to vouchsafe their integrity. Being familiar with the PS style of venturing forth, many Hashers were silently wailing and gnashing their teeth, fearful of the trail of tears that would surely befall us. And so it came to pass, that the rains halted, and the sun shone forth in glory, that the brave and petulant Hashers set out from the gates of Vaoala. They clawed their way over the wire that is barbed, and set their apostles’ horses into an ungainly trot. This trail of tears brought them first past the citadel of the tribe called the huggers of trees, and of whales, many of whom have secreted themselves into the Hash. The pack was led by the rail known as the Captain Mortein, whose fearless forays into the isles of Samoa had brought forth not one but two issues. Closely pursued by Tallyho the Albionite and Scribe the Witless, it was soon time for the Hashers to throw themselves at the mercy of mighty rivers, withering waterfalls and scratchy grasses. And so the Hashers found themselves not at one or two mighty crossings, but four, and this not being Greek mythology there was no Charon to be found. The leporidean had girded his loins mightily for this foray, and the weary Hashers were confounded to find themselves up against a barrier like the walls of Jericho. Having not Kiwi the Hornblower in their midst, the Hashers despaired, and wailing, threw shekels and dung at PS. “O ye of little faith” he cried, as he pointed to a mighty sheaf of hempen rope that he and his trusted handservant Trevor had constructed. “Take thoust this rope that riseth into the heights of heaven (or Vaoala as it is known to the tribespeople of that region) into thine hands and ascend with a mighty cry in the wilderness.” And many a Hasher did cry, as the nails on their fingers, yea verily unto the cuticles were ripped from their grasp, and in their mud and toil they struggled mightily to climb the unscalable wall. And many did speak in tongues unintelligibly cursing the very ground upon which PS walked. As if that was not enough, further horrors awaited the Hashers, as upon the trail had been constructed an unholy altar of the undergarments of the little people, whose soilings were still evident upon the ground. After what seemed like many days and nights spent in the wilderness, the embattled Hashers gratefully ascended on the dwelling of Ladyfinger, to draw succour from the milk and honey that is found in Godfather’s cool nuts. The sweet smells of the feast that Dried Nuts, good lady of Ladyfinger was preparing also sated the homicidal curses that were set to reign free upon PS. The golden nectar that flows from Vailima was tapped, and it was agreed all around that it is good. Let that be a lesson for ye.

After such an epic run it took several hours before the GM was ready to call the circle together. Stragglers were even coming in afterwards. But SOTB called for those new to Apia Hash, and that was Skidmark of the Honiara Hash, brought by Sexpot. The rethreads were Desperate Housewife, Slippery, Sam, Sexpot, Karaoke and Ring Ring. No new shoes were spotted.

Celebrity Awards went to Sassy (Samoa Tourism Circular) and fireman Sam (Observer headline regarding top fireman). None took Lezzie’s (pictured twice in Observer) as closest living relative. This Day in History Awards went to Hiro (Hinamatsuri Day in Japan – girls day), Poumuli (1912 Amundsen announces that his expedition reached South Pole December the year before), Strangler and David (1989 EU bans CFCs by end of decade – both are in refrigeration, but rule 17 was invoked – when one ponytail drinks, all ponytails drink), Captain Mortein (Beer Day in Iceland, after a long prohibition period started under Danish rule) and Tallyho (St David’s Day).
The GM had some nominations of his own, as emergency forces had been called to an establishment in town where a couple had been fighting and causing a disturbance, and one had nearly drowned, but it would appear that it was all a ploy to avoid a costly bar tab from the owner of the Establishment – Lewinsky.

Also in the news had been stories of drug busts and notorious criminals escaping from prison – Crime got the Lookalike Award. Poumuli was given the Impressing the Ladies Award for his splits on the run and avoiding harm to the family jewels. The GM briefly interrupted the proceedings to bring in Speedhumper on charges of disrupting the circle, and she had an assist from Ladyfinger.

A Fail Award went to Rambo lookalike (not) Tallyho for his bandana and tight vest. Godfather and Sassygirl BJ both got a cellphonus interruptus award.

Opening up for nominations, Sassy informed the circle that in the panic to try and get the BBQ started before Horny Ho returned they had attempted to break into her car only to find that Chee’s key fit. Fast and Furious Keys of the Dragon Award.
Sassy also tried to get SOTB for indecent exposure to the kids, and while he tried to get off this as a false accusation, Slim Shady corroborated that she too had witnessed this, while looking into his eyes. BTW, this would appear to be Google translate’s idea of Happy Nipple Mondays with Ninja:


Tallyho had been the FRB at the start, but had been overtaken at a false trail that wasn’t there by Captain Mortein, and fretting that we would loose the pack had called a hash halt that the Captain had ignored. Moreover, he hadn’t called any on-ons until we caught up to him by the rope. The usual curmudgeonly down-down was taken.

Poumuli nominated Sexpot for the Surrogate Good Parent Award for looking out for the kids when a dangerous truck exit was made, and this was made a Suckass Parent Award to Lewinsky whose child it was. Slim Shady nominated the GM for the False Expectations/Fluttering Heart Award for promising and failing to bring the 7s players to Hash. Chee nominated PS for the Dangerous Tree Award that had nearly claimed Tallyho’s family jewels (left that one out above as it became way too blasphemous).

Desperate Housewife nominated Sue for daintily taking her shoes off at the first crossing, but giving up at the next one. Lewinsky was added in on this one by Poumuli for the Gentleman Fail Award for letting Sue fall in on her behind instead of helping. Sassy gave the Girl Pride Award to Horny Ho for completing the whole run.
Latecummer and rethread AC/DC was welcomed back and then farewelled.

Lewinsky nominated Poumuli for breach of rule 22 d, no peeing on the Hare’s trail, and after an initial protest, he accepted the Intimidation That Can Be Seen From Space Award.

On this theme Sassy wanted to get Strangler for imitating a Hash Mere for screaming at the kids, with Sexpot being added for some reason. Tallyho was dobbed in by Chee for scaring the kids when he stripped off his togs and making all and sundry cry.

Regaining his wits, Tallyho spoke of the log that had nearly ended his proclivity, and as he was trying to get a legover, some young chap leapt over the log and carried on without offering to assist. Trevor received the first Keep Away from Moving Old Farts Award.

Sassy tried to nominate Horny Ho for not explaining the Hash Rules to the kids, but had to join for her taxi ride on home. The Hosts and the Hares were saluted – Ladyfinger, Dried Nuts, Claire, PS, Trevor and Hornithologist, as various run ratings were called in such as excellent, good to lame - that is many of us were by now.

Watch the blog for next week’s host.

Desperate Housewife will be Assistant Trainee Scribe while I wing off to PNG.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, March 05, 2012

Hash Run 1612

Morning Hashers
Tonight's run will be hosted by Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts at their house in Vaoala, off the Cross-Island Road just before Mynah's. Please see map below. There will be a sign posted on the entrance. Please drive in and park on the lawn. Should be plenty space.
No theme has been announced, but Pussysnatcher as Hare advises to bring a change of clothes, towels, etc. Sounds ominous? Don't worry, just bring your Hash Cash ($15) and enjoy. There will be a keg and the hosts are catering.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, March 02, 2012

Hash Trash 1611

The Hash was hosted by Eveready, Crash Bandicoot and Delicious in honor of Luana’s birthday. We had all been warned to wear pink, and most complied, albeit by scavenging flowers from the garden. Crash had set the run, and we were misled by his apparent unruffled and non-sweaty demeanour. Turns out it had taken him 90 minutes to set the run, and we felt that in due course. It was out the gate and up and around the back roads of Lotopa. Many false trails were found, and the sweating got intense. Tallyho and Strangler were FRBs for the most part, sometimes joined by Poumuli, and once overtaken by Captain Mortein pushing a pram! The last section down to the back of the school was particularly disheartening for those familiar with the area. Special note that Mustang must have been training, or something, in NZ, as she was giving the FRBs a good chase throughout. Back at the homestead we were greeted by the cool sweet nuts of Godfather, and the sweating Hashers could relax.

The GM, SOTB had returned, having been bailed out of jail in Las Vegas. He called the circle to order and called forth those new to Apia Hash. They were Ross (invited by Sassygirl BJ), Ruth and Jean Bertrand (from the EU, also by Sassy), Jim (at MoH, but a returned resident, brought by Screamed) and Claire (daughter of Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts). Since all got their lines right, the GM ordered a round for them all, though Screamer had to assist her guest. Rethreads were Mustang, SOTB, Hooker Lua, Top Shelf, Hot Rod, Bruce and Crash. Excuses were made, ignored, then the down-down was served.

Tallyho was appointed temporary Shoe Inspector, much to his surprise, and he utterly failed in his mission, as well as in his attempt to get newly painted toe-nails to count as new shoes! Comments also rained on him for his rather, well poofy shirt. His explanation that he had spent 30 minutes getting it off a mere on the road, and the great lengths to which he had extended himself, only raised the danger level for a doubling of the award.

Celebrity Awards went to Witch Doctor (Aqua Samoa in the news), Captain Mortein (deemed to be Ali’s closest living relative – wow that was pushing the envelope), and ProBoner (closest living relative to Do Me Twice). This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (1658 Treaty of Roskilde, after 6 year war, Denmark-Norway loses half its territory to Sweden to save the rest), Ninja (1870 current Japan flag first introduced for use on merchant ships) and Tallyho , Slim Shady and Lewinsky (Rare Diseases Day – these include respectively copralalia (uncontrollable urge to talk crap), Tourette’s syndrome (uncontrollable swearing) and clintonophobia (the fear of becoming an intern in the White House)).

The GM then turned to his, non-negotiable, non-deniable GM Awards. He started with an Alzheimer Award to Godfather, who had left a bunch of his stuff at a meeting. When another hasher had helpfully called him and asked if he had left anything behind at the meeting, he merely responded with a muddled huh?

One of the newcomers had run the Hash in jeans! Were you born on the sun? Ruth, joined by Sassy for not explaining the rules, or lending her a pair of shorts. We could have killed an EU consultant! Then there was the call for a bad parenting award to Crash for leaving a large gun on the swing set when the sundry kids arrived to play. While claiming that it was Lewinsky’s gun, Eveready, Crash and Hot Rod all got the NRA Award – start them young.

During the run some of us had observed even been overtaken by a mad macho man – or was it a bad parent? The Captain, pushing the pram was an example of great physical endurance, but the pram was only rated to below 25 kmh, so a Child Endangerment Award was given. Just before the run, a Hash Mere had been heard to exclaim that when she looked at the calendar she always got excited because it was Nipple Monday with Ninja. Slim Shady tried to explain that this was said in mock levity, but it didn’t work.

A special Comes and Goes Award went to Mustang for departing us yet again. Opening up for nominations, Strangler accused Tallyho for going up too many false trails. Tallyho loudly declaimed that this was not true, that Strangler had been following him around like a little sheep and that this was a false accusation. The tone of voice made the large canine present lie down, so Strangler was joined by the owners of the dog, Crash and Hot Rod.

Bruce invited Crash to return to the circle for advertising with his company logo, which Tallyho countered by noting that the accuser didn’t have a Hash Shirt. Slim Shady pointed to the text on Ninja’s shirt as being Nipple Monday in Japanese, but that one failed. But she did manage to get one for Top Shelf for bringing, lord save us, cotton candy flavoured vodka to a Christmas party. None would touch the stuff so she alone drank it!

Poumuli nominated the GM for getting successfully bailed out of jail in Las Vegas. Strangler nominated the non-pink wearers, Emily, Charlie and Hobbs. Hobbs claimed to be wearing pink undies but no one wanted to see the proof. Then the Mad Hash Monk arrived, and although she looked like she had taken a Lewinsky on the outfit, called forth Mana, who was known as a bit of a slave driver. From hence forth she shall be known as Queen Biyatch.

As always there is someone at the end of a slave driver’s whip, and in this case it is the somewhat Hispanic looking Alan, who shall henceforth be known as Poolboy.

The father of Luana was called forth to take her naming, and keeping with tradition she will be known as Divine.

Latecummers Snatch and Pussysnatcher were awarded and we got to see the dance-and-spill trick for avoiding a down-down. Horny Ho had been at Ynot until they closed and saw a person asleep in his car, music on and lots of people surrounding it. At 12.25 calls were made and DMT had to take SOTB home, exhausted from chasing Mustang around.

We then had a birthday cake for Divine, followed by down-down for the parents. The hosts and the hares were saluted, being joined by Tallyho for being a “loudmouth, lying lazy old bastard pom” (SOTB – we hope this one will be responded to at Hash 1612).

Next week’s hash will be at Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts up in Vaoala – close by Mynahs. Look for the map on the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit