Greetings Hashers. That was such an epic run that one needs to go biblical again.
Yea verily it came to pass, in the days of the rule of the GM SOTB, son of mad monk of Hash, that the Hash was called forth to gather at the dwelling of Ladyfinger, grand merchant of bendy yellow fruit. And the Hash arrived in twos and threes, and the rain poured down, verily like canines and felines. Fearing that he would have to pack the Hashers into an ark in twos, leporidean Pussysnatcher ventured into the wilderness to find the markings that are known as trail, to vouchsafe their integrity. Being familiar with the PS style of venturing forth, many Hashers were silently wailing and gnashing their teeth, fearful of the trail of tears that would surely befall us. And so it came to pass, that the rains halted, and the sun shone forth in glory, that the brave and petulant Hashers set out from the gates of Vaoala. They clawed their way over the wire that is barbed, and set their apostles’ horses into an ungainly trot. This trail of tears brought them first past the citadel of the tribe called the huggers of trees, and of whales, many of whom have secreted themselves into the Hash. The pack was led by the rail known as the Captain Mortein, whose fearless forays into the isles of Samoa had brought forth not one but two issues. Closely pursued by Tallyho the Albionite and Scribe the Witless, it was soon time for the Hashers to throw themselves at the mercy of mighty rivers, withering waterfalls and scratchy grasses. And so the Hashers found themselves not at one or two mighty crossings, but four, and this not being Greek mythology there was no Charon to be found. The leporidean had girded his loins mightily for this foray, and the weary Hashers were confounded to find themselves up against a barrier like the walls of Jericho. Having not Kiwi the Hornblower in their midst, the Hashers despaired, and wailing, threw shekels and dung at PS. “O ye of little faith” he cried, as he pointed to a mighty sheaf of hempen rope that he and his trusted handservant Trevor had constructed. “Take thoust this rope that riseth into the heights of heaven (or Vaoala as it is known to the tribespeople of that region) into thine hands and ascend with a mighty cry in the wilderness.” And many a Hasher did cry, as the nails on their fingers, yea verily unto the cuticles were ripped from their grasp, and in their mud and toil they struggled mightily to climb the unscalable wall. And many did speak in tongues unintelligibly cursing the very ground upon which PS walked. As if that was not enough, further horrors awaited the Hashers, as upon the trail had been constructed an unholy altar of the undergarments of the little people, whose soilings were still evident upon the ground. After what seemed like many days and nights spent in the wilderness, the embattled Hashers gratefully ascended on the dwelling of Ladyfinger, to draw succour from the milk and honey that is found in Godfather’s cool nuts. The sweet smells of the feast that Dried Nuts, good lady of Ladyfinger was preparing also sated the homicidal curses that were set to reign free upon PS. The golden nectar that flows from Vailima was tapped, and it was agreed all around that it is good. Let that be a lesson for ye.
After such an epic run it took several hours before the GM was ready to call the circle together. Stragglers were even coming in afterwards. But SOTB called for those new to Apia Hash, and that was Skidmark of the Honiara Hash, brought by Sexpot. The rethreads were Desperate Housewife, Slippery, Sam, Sexpot, Karaoke and Ring Ring. No new shoes were spotted.
Celebrity Awards went to Sassy (Samoa Tourism Circular) and fireman Sam (Observer headline regarding top fireman). None took Lezzie’s (pictured twice in Observer) as closest living relative. This Day in History Awards went to Hiro (Hinamatsuri Day in Japan – girls day), Poumuli (1912 Amundsen announces that his expedition reached South Pole December the year before), Strangler and David (1989 EU bans CFCs by end of decade – both are in refrigeration, but rule 17 was invoked – when one ponytail drinks, all ponytails drink), Captain Mortein (Beer Day in Iceland, after a long prohibition period started under Danish rule) and Tallyho (St David’s Day).
The GM had some nominations of his own, as emergency forces had been called to an establishment in town where a couple had been fighting and causing a disturbance, and one had nearly drowned, but it would appear that it was all a ploy to avoid a costly bar tab from the owner of the Establishment – Lewinsky.
Also in the news had been stories of drug busts and notorious criminals escaping from prison – Crime got the Lookalike Award. Poumuli was given the Impressing the Ladies Award for his splits on the run and avoiding harm to the family jewels. The GM briefly interrupted the proceedings to bring in Speedhumper on charges of disrupting the circle, and she had an assist from Ladyfinger.
A Fail Award went to Rambo lookalike (not) Tallyho for his bandana and tight vest. Godfather and Sassygirl BJ both got a cellphonus interruptus award.
Opening up for nominations, Sassy informed the circle that in the panic to try and get the BBQ started before Horny Ho returned they had attempted to break into her car only to find that Chee’s key fit. Fast and Furious Keys of the Dragon Award.
Sassy also tried to get SOTB for indecent exposure to the kids, and while he tried to get off this as a false accusation, Slim Shady corroborated that she too had witnessed this, while looking into his eyes. BTW, this would appear to be Google translate’s idea of Happy Nipple Mondays with Ninja:
Tallyho had been the FRB at the start, but had been overtaken at a false trail that wasn’t there by Captain Mortein, and fretting that we would loose the pack had called a hash halt that the Captain had ignored. Moreover, he hadn’t called any on-ons until we caught up to him by the rope. The usual curmudgeonly down-down was taken.
Poumuli nominated Sexpot for the Surrogate Good Parent Award for looking out for the kids when a dangerous truck exit was made, and this was made a Suckass Parent Award to Lewinsky whose child it was. Slim Shady nominated the GM for the False Expectations/Fluttering Heart Award for promising and failing to bring the 7s players to Hash. Chee nominated PS for the Dangerous Tree Award that had nearly claimed Tallyho’s family jewels (left that one out above as it became way too blasphemous).
Desperate Housewife nominated Sue for daintily taking her shoes off at the first crossing, but giving up at the next one. Lewinsky was added in on this one by Poumuli for the Gentleman Fail Award for letting Sue fall in on her behind instead of helping. Sassy gave the Girl Pride Award to Horny Ho for completing the whole run.
Latecummer and rethread AC/DC was welcomed back and then farewelled.
Lewinsky nominated Poumuli for breach of rule 22 d, no peeing on the Hare’s trail, and after an initial protest, he accepted the Intimidation That Can Be Seen From Space Award.
On this theme Sassy wanted to get Strangler for imitating a Hash Mere for screaming at the kids, with Sexpot being added for some reason. Tallyho was dobbed in by Chee for scaring the kids when he stripped off his togs and making all and sundry cry.
Regaining his wits, Tallyho spoke of the log that had nearly ended his proclivity, and as he was trying to get a legover, some young chap leapt over the log and carried on without offering to assist. Trevor received the first Keep Away from Moving Old Farts Award.
Sassy tried to nominate Horny Ho for not explaining the Hash Rules to the kids, but had to join for her taxi ride on home. The Hosts and the Hares were saluted – Ladyfinger, Dried Nuts, Claire, PS, Trevor and Hornithologist, as various run ratings were called in such as excellent, good to lame - that is many of us were by now.
Watch the blog for next week’s host.
Desperate Housewife will be Assistant Trainee Scribe while I wing off to PNG.
Poumuli, IKA Slit