Greetings Hashers from Port Moresby - or appinoon. An excellent trash from Assistant Trainee Scribe, Desperate Housewife. Enjoy and see you next week
Poumuli, IKA Slit
After no offers of hosting the Hash, Lewinsky kindly stepped up to the plate and allowed his establishment to be the location of Hash Run 1613. As this was a last minute location, no run was set. So the Hashers arrived, waiting for the ever so jolly Tallyho to be the Hare. Unfortunately Tallyho was running late and the Hashers could wait no longer. Ring Ring came to the rescue, becoming the Hare. She set off at a lightning pace through the back of the Cop Shop and onto Cross Island Rd. After a few twists and turns, we were then heading quite precariously over the 4 lanes to the other side of the road. It was a bit like the video game “Frogger” [Ed note – hm that ages the Scribe!] as we dodged the Peak Hour traffic of Apia. Luckily no fatalities occurred and on we went.
One street got some of the Hashers feeling a bit “high” due to the smoke of a “home grown plant” some taxi drivers were toking. After we came “down”, and as it was quite a warm day, Ring Ring took a breather (much to the relief of her followers) and so for a while it was a nice walk through the town. The walk got one of the Hashers edgy and he decided to run past the Hare at one stage. No one must have told him the rules when he was in Honiara Hash. We ended up passing JP’s Fitness Centre and then back across the 4 lanes (this time with the aid of the traffic lights). Then resumed running back down Vaea Street and finished back at On The Rocks. Not a very long run, but with the temperature as it was, the Hashers were not too fussed and were happy to sit in the shady rubble of what used to be Crabbers and enjoy a nice cold Vailima. It was then that we saw Tallyho heading back from his run (from the opposite direction).
Not long after, the Hash Circle was called to order. Only one rethread - being Hot Rod, who was just turning up to say hi to the fellow Hashers and got himself caught up in the circle taking his down down. His excuse for not coming to Hash, pretty lame, “I’ve been working”.
No new shoes, but Tallyho commented on how clean Slim Shady’s jandalled feet were and so she had to drink.
Celebrity award went to Witch Doctor (on behalf of Poumuli) for being in the Observer on Monday (SPREP climate change workshop). Arsewipe or Skidmark (on behalf of Sexpot) for some Westpac related media; and Sassygirl for being in the Observer that day (Leadership Samoa Graduation).
This Day in History went to the following: 1876 – Alexander Graeme Bell made his first phone call – GM and Ring Ring;
1928 - St Francis Dam in California collapses – Lewinsky took on behalf of Crash who was absent;
1933 - Pres. Roosevelt orders banks re-opened after his enforced bank holiday during Great Depression – Skidmark the banker;
1994 - Church of England ordains female priests – well we’ve had a female hash monk for years – Sassy took on her behalf being the closest living relative of the Hash Monk plus Tallyho who was at a Church of England service with GF and there was a female priest conducting the service;
2011 – 1 year anniversary of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant explosion – Toko and Ninja drank in remembrance.
GM Award went to Tallyho – who picked up a piece of metal whilst the Hash Circle was happening from the demolition site we were congregating at. It was a dirty old spoon. Tallyho countered stating that he wants to start up a “Hash Shrine” in which Hashers can pick up mementos from runs and then look upon them and reminisce. GM just thought Tallyho was short on cutlery and so he had to drink up.
Assistant Scribe, DH, got done for leaning as she was so focused on her scribing, she was in the zone and didn’t realise it was happening. She thinks Lewinsky set her up by telling her to stand by the wall in the first place.
Latecummers included Tooth Fairy, Snatched and Pro Bono.
Lewinsky got called up for coming to the rescue and providing the venue.
Nominations then began. Desperate Housewife got in first (before Sassygirl!) and nominated Slim Shady for lung poisoning after blowing a mouthful of cigarette smoke staight into DH’s face who was still in need of oxygen after just coming back from the run. Sassygirl nominated Wahoo for protecting the keg whilst we were all running, although the keg was somewhat emptier than how we left it – interesting!
Slim Shady nominated Sassygirl for making SS talk to a drunken old man all night at Ynot after Sassy had done all the flirting in the first place. Sassygirl then called up Tallyho into the Hash Circle for suggesting all the Grumpy Old Bastards patronizing OTR’s should be drowned out to sea (even though one of them was the GMs father). Tallyho appealed for right of reply saying that Sassy at the time had agreed with him. In the end, it was voted that Lewinsky take the down down as the owner of the establishment where the GOBs drink.
Tallyho then chose Godfather for, as the bible states, “bearing false witness” against him. When GF asked what false witness he was suggesting, Tallyho had no reply. However, GF took it on the chin and drank up. A nomination went to soon to be father, Tooth Fairy, who’ll be off island in lead up to his baby’s birth – an early wetting of the baby’s head.
Sassygirl nominated Hooker Lua for going to the gym too much that she is too tired to participate in the Hash Run/Walk. Right of reply was that she wants to keep fit and likes to come for the drinking part. She took a double spin class down down.
GM nominated Titty G for asking him to get her name tattooed on his body – making GF jealous and to make matters worse she passed on her glass to Crime instead of her man. Crime then had to do another scull for accepting Titty G’s offloads.
Sassygirl then called Slim Shady up for calling GM’s tatt an Avaava instead of a shark (which it is meant to be).
Witchdoctor called Wahoo up as she was turning 14 the next day – underage drinking!! [Ed note – this is incorrect, it was on 6th of March!)
The Mata Aitu Award went to two recipients. First, a non-Hasher, a patron of On the Rocks, Fritz, who said that Hooker Lua’s malu wasn’t traditional but was really only saying it so he could perv on her sexy legs. Second, to Slippery for taking his camera on the run.
Ring Ring nominated Skidmark who overtook the Hare during the run. The poor guy is trying to lay off the beers – Monday isn’t a day to begin that!
The Pedophilia Award went to ponytailed Dave who was chatting up underage locals whilst on the run.
Sassygirl then called Lewinsky to the circle for holding Titty G’s keys away from her so he could get close to her tits. His right of reply was that she asked him to drop the keys on her tits and said “I got ya!” so Titty G was given the Entrapment Award for enticing a married man who is expecting his third child. [Ed note – is that Lewinsky expecting or POD?]
In lieu of the demolition of the Fale Fono, Tallyho said it was a crime against history pulling the fale down so Crime was called up to take the scull. There was also eye witness accounts of Crime stealing stuff from the demolition site after the Fale Fono was pulled down – but unfortunately that is all “hearsay”.
The Slutty Leadership Award went to Sassy on behalf of Snatched who said Sassy made a conservative uniform look slutty (at the Leadership Samoa Graduation).
Hooker Lua called up GM for joining the land of ink with his new tatt.
Slim Shady nominated Ninja for telling her that she must come topless to work in her new job. She is now even thinking of a career change – porn star? During this conversation, Tallyho’s spoon (which was stuck down his pants) started moving erratically. Ninja couldn’t finish his down down so gave it to Tallyho for the second time of the night – we think Ninja is becoming Tallyho’s new drinks bitch.
Tallyho then proceeded to call up Snatched for rubbing a stick up and down his leg during most of the proceedings. Snatched then confided that she actually was meant to be rubbing Hot Rod’s leg instead. Tallyho wished it was Harry Potter’s wand – not sure why – you’ll have to ask him.
Snatched then called up DH for being studious and taking notes on such a big pad, DH replied that little ones weren’t as good. Double entendre?
Pro Bono was then called up by Lewinsky and had a down down for winning her first court case. 100% success rate. Although it took a long time to down her drink, we were up to the third chorus by the time she finished.
Finally the Hare and Host, Ring Ring and Lewinsky were called into the circle and that concluded the Hash ceremony for the night.
Next week is still open and those who have not yet hosted or haven’t hosted in a while are encouraged to put their hand up, as it’s unfair for the same people to keep hosting.