Hash Trash 1614

The Hash was hosted by Chi at the house behind Sunrise restaurant. It had been a rainy day, so the weather was quite cool. The run had been set on paper and on chalk, the pink kind as Chi said he was too cheap to get the proper stuff! Dollar store advertisement! Off we went out the gate and down the road to Togafuafua, hitting the Vaitele road, with a few false trails leading down Ifififi Street, and a tempting one up to Apaula heights. The real trail was found by Tallyho, who not only shouted On On, but also his name, presumably to stave off imminent dementia and loss of self-recognition. Anyway, this went UP Ififi, until we found the trail again off the cross road to Falealili. We headed further along the road when we got to the bridge and the old hydro plant pipe, and followed the Vaisigano river. This was a bit of a challenge for some – it was possible to do this dry-shod, if you could spot the flat rocks under the clumpy grass. Others just jumped into the water and waded. The trail went back and forth across the river, but the back runners could see where the FRBs were, so stayed on one side of the river, jumping into the bushes rather than the river. While this precipitated a wasp attack on some of the Hashers, at least their feet were dry! Until we really HAD to cross the river – this included jumping into a nice pool for some, while others took a lengthier detour to save their reek for later sharing. Then it was up to Faatoia and back home. The last bit of the run was quite heavy, with water sodden footwear and running gear, lots of traffic and dogs. But Godfather’s sweet nuts were waiting!

SOTB was not too exhausted and called the circle to order. A moment of silence was observed for the recently departed GM of the Suva Hash. Taskala had passed away in the night after last week’s hash in Suva, and was a great hasher and a friend of many in the Apia Hash. There were mutterings both pro and con on whether this should be used as a precedent to smother our own GM in his sleep.

There were two who were new to Apia Hash – Keiko (JICA volunteer at the hospital) and Veta (helping Chi as co-hare). The rethreads were Poolboy (fixing pools), Queen Biatch (busy bossing the poolboy), Top Shelf (dogbite), Fang (on parole). They were the first to suffer the unusually large Hash Mugs (more like pints) that Lewinsky had procured.

Celebrity Awards went to Captain Mortein (spotted by the GM on TV), Sassygirl BJ (spotted by Chi in the Observer), and Tiger Woody (something about a golf club presented to the Head of State – Crime nearest living relative). This Day in History Award was thwarted by many intended victims being absent, but we got Lewinsky (St Patricks Day and he looks Irish), and Tallyho (1649 – England House of Commons abolish temporarily the House of Lords, declaring it useless and dangerous to the people of England – Tallyho objected, saying he was neither as he was in Samoa and not England). After some grumbling he noted that the Poms and the Welsh were united against the Vikings – mistaking the Paddies due to Lewinsky’s red shirt.

The GM began his awards with a Survival Port Moresby Award to Poumuli, who needed to throw a third of it over his shoulder. Then there was a DIY Fail Award to Captain Mortein, who’s self constructed towbar arrangement had disintegrated.



He also noted that the runs had seen the “real men” of the Hash jump without hesitation into the pool, except one – Tallyho, who now looked like he had peed himself. After a quick fondling by Fang, he declared that he was a Pom, and didn’t even jump into a bath!

Driving along Beach Road, the GM had spotted some modifications to HQ1, then discovered that these had been done without permit from the landlord nor with any environmental impact assessments – Lewinsky stepped forward for the Toilet Venting Award. On the theme of modification, the GM had received complaints that the venue was in fact an undercover brothel, and that this had not been transmitted to the single Hashers, so Chi go the Red Light Award.

Opening up for nominations, Sassy of course was eager to try her hand, but messed up a bit between the not living up to name or bad parenting, as Horny Ho had entrusted her kids to run with Sassy. This was more a What The Hell Were You Thinking Award.
Chi nominated all those wearing green for St Patricks to take one – GM, Crime, Queen B, Hideo, Sam, Poolboy – with Tallyho escaping as his knee braces were not green naturally, but had taken on the teal hue from the various effluents that had coursed down upon them.

Bruce then launched an all-out FBI ramble about unsafe parking and disobeying regulations aimed at Lewinsky through POD. Apparently he had spotted their vehicle by the Government buildings next to a do not park sign with an angry security guard in attendance. Before Lewinsky could utter “blasphemy” POD calmly explained that she had parked there at the instruction of the kind security guard, who had taken gentlemanly concern at her state of inflation into account. Boomerang Award for Bruce.

On a roll from guarding the keg, Chi rambled on about a church burning down and the fire department not getting there quick enough. Sam tried his best to get out of it, but a vote doomed them both. POD then nominated the GM for flaunting his dongle in front of the government buildings, an event that had been captured on the news!
Sassy sought to nominate the Hares for reckless endangerment, viz the wasp attack on the trail. When Chi pointed out that this had occurred on an unauthorized short-cut Sassy got the False Accusation Award in return. She was joined by Godfather and Crime for their blatant shortcutting, with GF gamely stepping in to drink from his until now hidden new shoe! What a Hasher – phenomenal!

While all this was going on, Poumuli had been shocked rigid by the spectacle of the little girls doing poledancing in the living room, which he pointed out to the GM. A Bad Parenting Award to Lewinsky. Chi and Crime had gone to a paddling contest, after or during which Crime had disappeared, which led to a Chi Abandonment Award. Also, the Captain’s daughter was next spotted poledancing.



Tallyho nominated all those who were quietly maintaining a low profile in the circle – Skidmark and Dave. Bruce, well known for his dedication to women’s rights, decried the fact that poledancing had been invented in Norway. While Poumuli justly denied any responsibility for what the hell Norwegian girls get up to, he had to join Witch Doctor in this award. [Quick check – poledancing probably started in the US in the 1920s, but the first poledancing contests were held in 2005 – in Australia! Pleas note this GM.]



Karaoke was supposed to take Ring Ring home from last hash, but she was late coming home – she had been driven home by Tallyho. As the GM had spotted Karaoke turning up to the hash with Tallyho, he quickly deduced that this was a Jealousy Award for the entire threesome.



Poumuli reminded the GM, and Tallyho confirmed, that rule number 1 of the Hash was “no poofters on the Hash”, which sort of contradicted the sign erected over Chi’s venue, offering “gatering – you name it”. Spelling and punctuation are very important! This was obviously confusing but Chi took it anyway.



The Host and Hares were saluted, with Sassy joining in for her persistent pushiness in getting Chi to host, and Lewinsky for something unintelligible.

Next week’s hash will be hosted by Godfather and Poolboy at the racetrack, and will be catered. Bring a change of clothes – oh no not again! The week after will be hosted by Hooker Lua and SOTB in Vaoala, with the Easter Hash being hosted at Aqua Samoa.

Your Scribe will be in Tokyo, so a volunteer Scribe is needed. Please Desperate Housewife!!!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit