Thursday, February 28, 2013

Hash Trash 1661

Editors note - apologies for late posting and many thanks to Tallyho.
On On from Aoteara
Poumuli, IKA Slit

As usual on Monday morning the hash-o-sphere was filled with plaintive exhortations from the GM for someone, anyone, to offer to host or provide a venue for the afternoon’s run. But after the previous week’s run-of-the-year to-date set at the swallow-of-a-hashman’s beer by Tallyho no-one offered. What a miserable bunch of lazy hashmen and meres you lot are. So this week it was back to AHHH HQ at OTR for another live-hare around the town. Much to everyone’s relief it was rumoured that CB, our usual live-hare, was incapacitated having stubbed his toe on his baby’s rattle and had gone lame. Fortunately since everyone seems to have got a taste for real lame-horse meat, CB had not been turned into a meat pie, well not yet anyway.
So the GM turned to the next best thing for a live hare, that ageing but still dashing pommy stallion Tallyho, nothing lame about him, feel his fetlocks anytime if you don’t believe the Scribe. So taking his lead from that old nursery rhyme about The Grand Old Duke of York the pack set off across the Police parade-ground cum car park and up towards Malifa. A right turn took the pack through some muddy bits round the old cemetery and out into Togafuafua.  Out onto the airport road, left at the old exchange at Lalovaea, and up towards Palisi and the masts.  At this point several of the pack (reportedly led by Godfather in his over-size shorts – see below for the full story) decided that uphill hashing was not their thing so they ducked right down into Vaimea while the more intrepid headed higher and higher past the prayer house, past a game of touch and up to the first mast. By this stage the pack had thinned to comprise Tallyho, Swinger, Ozzie, DawnRaid, the two new footprints Rory and Megan and a couple of others. Looking at the top mast, still several hundred feet higher and disappearing into cloud, and thinking of all the other SCB hashmen who were probably already getting stuck into the keg, discretion was the better part of more uphill slogging, so the hare turned-tail and headed back down and on-home. The top mast could wait for another day. DawnRaid was off like a flash and that was the last to be seen of him, a clear case of over-exuberance and failing to stick with the hare. His name was in the book.
And so like the Grand Old Duke of York who had ten thousand men, Tallyho marched them up to the top of the hill and marched them down again, and when they were up they were up and when they were down they were down and when they are neither half way up they were neither up nor down. So on this occasion the pack was only ever half-way up, and that’s not a good place to be for any hashman.
And so the GM called the circle to order, as usual the pack had difficulty arranging itself in any semblance of a circle, it was more like one of those petrie dishes they show on tv when something slimy is growing and moving around in circle, bits split off, swallow other bits and reform again into one big blob. But of course as with every hash there is a good deal of swallowing going and not a few who might loosely be described as blobs… but enough of this… we had three new footprints this evening: Rory a fine pommy chappy working with UNESCO, Megan from LAX doing something with microfinance, and hashman Julia Gillard from Moresby Hash here to set up yet another car dealership.
A regular crop of regular failures was next: Crash.. is he a failure or just a perennial late-cummer; Swinger back from an asset inspection and servicing visit to BB in Fiji; Johnno had been fishing… for what was not specified, and finally Pirate Princess who had been working, n waiting for the Captain to return. In the absence of either Lewinsky and Snake the GM has been busy looking for new shoes and had spotted staka this evening, bright orange ones (Julia Gillard), bright blue ones (Prince) and shiny white ones (Megan).
Poumouli had managed to send some history and first up was Fang as Snake’s nearest living relative for something to do with a cow in a plane in 1930; then it was Da Head and Transporter for the end of prohibition in 1933, and Da Head was doubled-up for leaving the empty keg at Tallyho’s place all week; the signing of Kyoto in 2005 brought DawnRaid to the centre as the NLR of Poumouli who was, as usual, creating his carbon footprint to add to global warming and his self-fulfilling prophesy, unfortunately DawnRaid was getting over-excited and forgot to remove his sunnies and was also doubled-up. The GM demonstrating his dictatorial and megalomaniac tendencies then brazenly stepped forward to celebrate the birthday of Kim Jon Ill, clearly a person who he aspired to be like.
There were no celebrities in the circle but Transporter was the NLR of Low-rider who appeared yet again, and he had one for himself in the report of a Ukrainian Gangster gate-crashing some celebrity award ceremony; and Ring Ring got the non-celebrity award for failing to get her picture in the paper as a trinket seller when the cruise ships were in port.
On to the GM’s awards; Godfather had arrived to find that TTG had forgotten his shorts so he had to borrow some shorts from the GM, this left many pondering how could a slim and fit looking Godfather have managed to stop the GM’s shorts, at least three sizes too big for him, falling down, this is maybe why Godfather was slower than usual on the run. Nicola was next on the GM’s hit list for complaining about the pair of fancy shoes she won the previous week in GayBoy’s farewell raffle.. non-alco DD. HotFlush was spotted coming in late and Sassy had a Phonus-interuptus before DawnRaid and Ozzie got the Lazy-Bastards-of the Week award for getting one of the OTR staff to pour their beers from the hash keg, it was murmured by others that the award should have been for the perverts-of-week as they had been seen studying her techniques closely as she bent over the pull the fluid for them. But the latter award went to Swinger who had difficulty in looking Irene in the eye while having a deep and meaningful discussion about the finer points of the plumage of the greater spotted booby, and this after spending three weeks conjugating with BB. (In case BB is reading this we have it on good authority that he went straight home to a cold shower).
Throwing the floor open for everyone to dob their mates, Witchdoctor was the first to try her luck with a Poofter-of-the-Week dob on CB for calling DawnRaid on Valentine’s Day asking him if he would like to meet for a drink, but the circle noted a touch of jealousy in this as Witchdoctor had not received any valentine’s calls from anyone, male or female and so Witchdoctor and DawnRaid took it together like bro & sis.
Tallyho then pointed the shrine-stick at those who had left their belongings at his place the previous week, Sassy’s shoes and Witchdoctor’s water bottle. In the same breath DawnRaid was dobbed for showing undue-athleticism on the run by getting ahead of the hare and not following the trail. Fang and Pirate Princess were called to the centre for gossiping and not paying attention, and Zsa Zsa joined them as ever-the-late-cummer, this time complaining of a sore toe….. Sassy dobbed Johnno for doing good work on cyclone relief and then Megan, Rory and Sassy were done for some false accusation which your scribe failed to note.  This was followed by a very confusing dob, at least confusing to your scribe, from HotFlush and something to do with Hornithologist leaving, bird-shit, Kiwis not being able to fly and ended with Prince, Johnno and Karen in the circle. And finally the hare and hosts, Tallyho, GM and Crash.

Toodle pip and On On

Monday, February 25, 2013

Hash Run 1662 - Swinger & Brent at Swingers Pad - Siusega

Good Morning All,

Hope you had a wonderful weekend and made the most of the lovely weather. Tonight's run is being hosted by Swinger and Brent at Swingers Pad in Siusega (Across the Road from the Cricket Grounds).

The hosts have kindly offered to put on a spread for us tonight, so you wont need to bring anything unless you wish to. We will have our usual Keg and Softies, unfortunately Godfathers sweet nuts are still out of season so if you want, bring some extra water.

The run will start at 1745Hrs. Map is posted below. Bring a change of clothes and your hash cash :)

On On

Monday, February 18, 2013

Hash Run 1661 - On The Rocks Bar - BYO Food for the BBQ

Good Afternoon All,

Due to not being able to find a suitable venue or host for tonight, we will have our hash run from HQ1 at On The Rocks bar on the verandah at the back. Our run will start at 1745 and we will have a live hare or if we have a volunteer to set a trail for us, then we will have a set run.

Please note this is a BYO Food for the BBQ so please bring something to throw on the BBQ tonight or something to contribute to the spread.

Also a reminder for your hash cash. We will have our nectar of life and softies there too.

On On

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Hash Trash 1660

The Hash was hosted by Tallyho at his Palais de Siusega. Hashers had probably got the notice late so they arrived in dribs and drabs, but not to worry, Tallyho was nowhere to be seen. He had been spotted out on the drive there setting the run, and the time consumed should have been a concern to all around, which it was. A message was sent to the GM, and off the pack went, through the bushes outside the drive, down someone’s entryway, past angry dogs and out onto the back of the sports fields at Faleata. We then meandered down past the Fire Station and the inter-section, where after numerous false trails we found our way into the thickest bush. This part had been used in the other direction for a previous run, but that was before Evan had decided to play bowling with the trees and undergrowth. It was a mad scramble to get over all the fallen branches, and numerous cuts were administered to bare legs and shoulders. In addition, some of the Hash Meres had acquired the company of a small black puppy that miraculously followed the pack for the rest of the run all the way to Tallyho’s! After the scramble there was a Hash Halt called, and while we waited said puppy showed its nous for character by refusing Dawn Raid’s entreaties. Off again down to a paved road we returned up to the sports fields, and a circuitous path was taken on those dull straight roads. Some carefully extrapolated where the route must take us and decided that enough was enough and cut across a back road to get back early. So for the full run this was indeed an arduous one, with heat, bugs and various  obstacles – so many thanks Tallyho!

SOTB the GM called the circle to some sort of ordure, and found that there was not a single new person to Apia Hash! The rethreads were many – Fang (on parole), Seismic (working), Xavier (not sure) and 9’er (eating ice cream). Snake was Shoe Inspector for the day and found Pearl to be wearing a distinctly shiny and non-smelly pair. She bravely took the award.

Celebrity Awards went to Prince (in Observer, CLR Transformer), Lowrider (in paper for emerging as a leader), Cockblocker (for looking like some transgender person), and Poumuli (father-in-law in the paper). This Day in History Awards went to AC/DC (Bob Marley’s birthday), SOTB (1870 US establishes Weather Service), Sexpot and Desperate Housewife (1879 England cricket team attacked by rioting Aussies), Screamer (1994 Munch’s The Scream stolen, CLR Snake) and Seismic (2013 Solomon Islands earthquake).

The GM’s Awards are usually evil and cruel, but this time he gave a Valentines Award to birthday boy Sexpot. And that was it!
Opening up the floor, Sassygirl BJ was quick off the mark to recount the fabulous tale of a Hasher who had been playing with four tits and then nearly been run over by a car. Bovine Fondling Award to Snake.

Snake had heard that Transporter was going to learn the Ukrainian alphabet and demanded to hear this as well as to see Dumbas do the Ukrainian folk dancing, but sadly he had slipped away. Transporter actually did it, so поздоровлення нагороди to Transporter.
Keeping it in the family, Sexpot had been observing the BBQ and how Lowrider had so demurely and clumsily handled the large sausages, so she got the Haven’t Seen Them That Size Award. SOTB suddenly remembered that Sassy had written a letter to the Editor and this required a further celebrity award (this should be raised at the next hash – there is an order to the madness!).

Sexpot had been watching the 7’s avidly, and congratulated the Poms for winning Wellington, and then performing like some girls blouses in Las Vegas. Tallyho countered that England was always in favour of giving the underdog a chance (tell that to the various tribes colonized), but to no awail – a Whingeing Pom Award was agreed by vote.
Generosity in the Hash is always welcomed, especially marketing gimmicks pilfered at company functions. But Transporter was incensed that SOTB had finally brought something useful from Bluesky but not enough for everyone. After some back and forth this became the Mumbled Explanation Award.

After the run Sassy had almost had an accident slipping on a loose rug and demanded that Tallyho be given the Residential Unsafety Award. Au contraire said Tallyho, he was a tenant and not responsible, but the landlord should be accountable and he is a relative of Godfather. Snake had also gotten a very up close and personal view of Sassy’s derriere, and felt aggrieved, but Sassy wanted his skin for ogling the moonrise. This proved all too much for the GM to keep track of so he engineered a vote for all four to take this award.

Transporter then engaged in some FBI story about not being able to rely on the GM – yes we know – but SOTB took it anyway, quickly joined by AC/DC and Ring Ring for leaning, and Pearl and Xavier for smoking. Witch Doctor nominated Poumuli for locking his Mum out of the house, or the I Cant Remember That Award. 

In the annals of Apia Hash there have been many strange costumes and accoutrements worn, but nobody had noticed that Godfather was wearing pyjama shorts, even having told Sexpot about it. CB had apparently said something rude, so in the end Titty Galore got the award for bringing the pyjamas and CB because.

Sassy nominated Karen for not bringing her little piglet Murdoch’s Girlfriend on the run, while the GM called her housemate Witch Doctor for getting the premise of Amsterdam wrong with her t-shirt – get stoned, drink wet cement. Having heard complaints that the circle at YNot last week had been too long, Sassy proceeded to make this week’s circle equally long by nominating Weathercock for a Whingeing In The Circle Award, which went to CLR Snake.
Poumuli had picked up on the allusions in the GM’s award to Witch Dr and noted that the Hash was always a substance abuse free organization, or not AC/DC and Dawn Raid, hows about a Just Say No Award?

Punting the Hash Shrine into the circle, Tallyho presented us with a bundle of twigs, or kindling, which he had placed strategically on the run to guide us all safely if darkness came. He was joined in the Who Carries Matches On the Run Award by CB for leading the way.

Lowrider gave a Sneaky Award to DH for helping them with the phonetics of the Ukrainian alphabet, although all it was in fact were Ukrainian Muppets. We were all astounded that Lewinsky’s hounds had been abducted, and Poumuli opined that this must be the fault of the breeder of these dogs, hence a Best In Show Award to Fang. Finally, an obscure one to 60 for wearing Fijian style shorts in the pattern that Air Pacific is trying to patent.

Tallyho as Hare and Host was saluted and the BYO feast was devoured.

Watch the blog for next week’s run, and we’ll need a Scribe for next week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, February 11, 2013

Hash Run 1660 - BYO Food @ Tally Ho's Castle at Siusega

Good morning All,

Tonight's run will be at Tally Ho's castle in Siusega. He has kindly offered his Castle as our venue for tonight's run. Please note that this is a BYO Food run, so please bring something to throw on the BBQ or something to contribute to the spread tonight.

Run will start at 1745Hrs. A keg will be there as well as softies. See you all there and please don't forget your hash cash and possibly, a change of clothes :)

On On

Friday, February 08, 2013

Hash Trash 1659

The Hash was hosted at YNot Bar by Dumbass and Jordan. As it was the final ticks on the Super Bowl time clock the start was somewhat delayed. Nevertheless a trail had been set on flour and off we trotted. Across the intersection we ran down a well familiar trail along the Vaisigano river, only to be turned back at a false trail marker. The trail was reacquired and led past Aggies and turned in just past Apia Protestant Church, which made some wary of heading further. Indeed another false trail was spotted. At this stage the FRBs and the SCBs were suitably mashed up, and finally we ran down the road by the Cop Shop, with some further confusion along which way to take. Tallyho headed up to the hospital, for some “treatment” no doubt, but swiftly returned to the centre of the pack. As we hit the Cross Island Road, some opted for a longer run up towards NUS, while the rest of us headed across the destroyed bridge, past the UN complex and over to Vaiala beach for the on home past the wharf. There were numerous SCBs at this point. Shortish run, complex falsies and a need for finding new trails in this oft-used locale. 

No coconuts were to be found so we headed straight for the keg, with the usual consequences.
SOTB the GM called the circle to order and requested those new to Apia Hash to present themselves, so we met Sosene (brought by Horny Ho), Todd, Luke and 2 other med students who had been brought by some geezer masquerading as Lewinsky – hence a down-down for their gracious patron. Rethreads were Brent, Skunk, Snake, Jordan, Tribal and Stripper. The Shoe Inspector, much to his excessive delight, found two shiny victims in Transporter and Karen, who dutifully obliged after a sniff test had been completed. 

Celebrity Awards went to Tomorrow (was in the paper), Sexpot (on TV), Lowrider (forget) and Poumuli (Minister of Forestry urging locals to plant more poumuli). This Day in History Awards went to SOTB (1884 – first volume of Oxford English Dictionary (A to Ant) published), Twin Peaks (1918 – Twin Peaks Tunnel opens in San Francisco, longest in the world, then), Witch Doctor (1942 – Quisling installed as Minister President – she had a dog with the same hairstyle), Lewinsky (National Wear Red Day) and Gayboy, 60 and 9’er (LGBT History Month).

The GM launched into his various awards for the day, starting with a Chariot Rider Award to Cougar, followed by a Birthday Award for Eveready. In a rather convoluted story, a hash car had been broken into on the weekend (well it had been left open) and a search party dispatched found the thief to be a 12-year old. Age being no concern to Lewinsky he recommended and commenced a complete removal of said thief’s crap through the application of the medium of clenched fists. A Crime and Punishment Award to Lewinsky and the owner of the vehicle – Godfather.

The GM then decided to blame his piss-poor email service for the late arrival of last weeks history lesson, so Poumuli had to step in. This was quickly followed by a Sore Loser Award for Brent for yelling at Gayboy, which was accompanied by several derogatory catcalls. Continuing the weekend stories, a Safe Driver Award went to Cougar for dropping off two comatose Hashers, Lewinsky and Crash Bandicoot.

At the start of the run there had been an eager hasher ready to dash off, but  Godfather was held back by the non-arrival of his running gear. Titty Galore got the Disorganized Award. Opening up for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick to spot Horny Ho leaning. We were a bit amused at Godfather not striking up the tune, but as he had been rightfully so distracted by AC/DC, he was let off – not Ac/DC though – it was doubled for his sunnies.

Brent wanted to congratulate Gayboy for the Ravens win, but wanted to ask two questions – in which state is Baltimore and why the Ravens. The incomprehensible response was put to a vote, which was then voted as a double. Poumuli noted that there had been a plethora of SCBs, but that this time we also had some who ran extra long. For bringing Hash into disrepute (we are not a sporting organization) Tallyho got the LCB Award.

Lewinsky wanted to get Poumuli for wearing Argentinean garb during the 7’s, as he claimed to have seen him on TV. This False Accusation was quickly rebutted. Tooth Fairy showed up late and was given a double in honour of his birthday.

Eveready had been wanting to get something special in honour of last weeks announcements, but his present, a g-string, had been purloined by Tallyho. Claiming that this was a lost and found item bound for the Hash Shrine, it was eventually decided that Tallyho gets the down down. Quoting the famous “it takes a village”, Poumuli had seen a whole village in Leone grind to a halt in their volleyball activities as a small dog took a crap right outside their field. Owner of said canine, Karen, got the Murdoch’s Girlfriend Award.

Cougar nominated Lewinsky for sending his poor wife to pick up the keg in the rain. While we all know POD is a good sport, she rebutted that she would not be addressed as the poor wife, and made Cougar take the Slipped Tongue Award. Sassy called in 9’er for having a private circle, while Cougar successfully got Tooth Fairy the Knight in Shining Armour Award for taking her to the hospital. Presumably this was during Crash’s comatose phase.

The Apia Hash Mad Monk, sans her official uniform, called forth Jordan, who for being a bit of a Mummy’s boy henceforth shall be known as Bugsy. His naming award was doubled so we could all appreciate the speed again.

Gayboy arranged for a special gift to be drawn, namely two pairs of sneakers, from which the winners then had to drink. Your Scribe missed this, but one was Ozzie Osbourne. Tallyho then officially added the little man from Crime’s run, while Witch Doctor added an NFL ball from this run. He also led the Hash in farewelling Gayboy and Bugsy with the Hash Anthem, complete with lugubrious gestures. 

Gayboy thanked the Hash for being his 2nd family – well he does get to eat well when he is with us – and donated the Ravens shirt to the Hash Shrine. Finally Poumuli got Lowrider the Eminent Persons Award for being selected by no less than the US Ambassador to attend a Pacific Emerging Leaders meeting in Pago.

The hosts and the hare were saluted. Watch this space for next week’s run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, February 04, 2013

Hash Run 1659 - Dumass, Gay Boy, Jordan and the Y-not Team @ Ynot Bar, Matautu

Good morning All,

Trust you had a lovely weekend! Tonight's run will be hosted down at the Y-not Bar at Matautu, next door to Paddles Restaurant. Tonight's run will also be a farewell run for Gayboy & Jordan as they head back abroad to study and work.

The hosts have offered to provide the spread for this nights festivities so you won't need to bring anything in the food department. What you will need however is a change of clothes as you may be getting a little wet on the run as well as your hash cash of $15.

Tonight, there will also be a special raffle/draw as a farewell present from Gayboy to the hashers. When you pay your hash cash, your name goes into the draw to win one of the following.

1 x Size 11US- Nike Running Shoes (Mens)
1 x Size 9US- Nike Running Shoes (Women)

So please make sure to get your name in the draw. We will have our nectar of life and softies available and if you wish to carry on, you can purchase from the bar afterwards.

ALSO, for any NFL Fans, Ynot bar will be opening at mid day to show the Superbowl Finals this afternoon before the hash run! Be sure to head down, have a few beers and watch some NFL!

See you all there, run starts at 1745hrs.

On On