Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hash Trash 1598

Sabuwona from Durban, where your Scribe is hanging out. Hash Trash from Spanky below, which still needs more spell-checking.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hosts: Top Shelf, Thong Hunter, Bungabunga with special thanks to the Y Not crew for providing the great venue
Theme: 16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women – The UN Women are in the middle of a 16 days of events to increase awareness and end violence against women. All the Hash runners were provided with t-shirts from UN.

What a great hash – there were two runs! The hosts set a run on paper but GM forgot and asked Dumass to set one on flour too! Flour was longer so the walkers took the paper and it was enjoyed by all.
The new runners this week were Bronwyn, Lucas, Pauline and Tim and Claire, who accidentally came because paddling was cancelled. Welcome!
Retreads were Bungabunga (too busy having bungabunga parties and getting kicked out of power), CB and DMT (they were both “working”), Bubsy (“studying” in NZ), and Lily and Rachel (been on Savaii).

New Boots: Eveready had new shoes! As he went to drink, Zsa Zsa said what were all thinking – “those are huge!”
Celebrity Awards: Marta was on TV, Niner is on the back page of the new Samoa Tourist Guidebook, Sassy was in the Observer – Again! – maybe will be renamed Sassy Observer. And finally for the best article ever – Double H was featured in an article called “Simply Creamy Goodness.”

GM Awards: TLC award to snake who took time off work to make the BBQ look like new. Piggy Back award to Mike who came back on the run to carry his wife across the water, “she’s always on my back!” Best P Party costume awards were for Porn Star CB and Pirate Chili. Dumass and Bubsy who took their dog on the run. Birthday downdown for Crash who is 31! Final GM award is for a bank man who travels a lot and came back to a bank function where his wife got crabs! (She was sitting at the party and a crab walked up between her legs!)

Lily the librarian found a nice kids book called pirate princess! It’s pages were stuck together but… our own Pirate Princess took her downdown.
Sassy Girl – who was dearly missed last week when there were so few nominations – was back in full force! First award was miscommunication award for the hosts – Lily and Rachel were the hosts and hares, but Dumass also set a run! Rachel dobbed in Spanky as the hareraiser. Spanky reminded GM that she told him the run was taken care of but GM was not in a good mood. Double for Spanky!

Tally Ho nominated the frontrunning bastards for not stopping at the Xs, but then it turns out Tally Ho was one of them! Backfired.
Sassy nominated Godfather for bringing friends but not preparing them – they had to run in sandals! Dumass added that CB also came without shoes! CB said it’s not his fault because his girl was supposed to pack them and forgot. I have yet to hear of anything ever that IS CB’s fault, but apparently DMY agreed to take the blame yet again on this one.

Random guy in black shirt was also dobbed in because we don’t know who he is but he didn’t come up for newbies and didn’t come for retreads. Who are you?
Tally Ho was upset that Vaivai made his nomination backfire, so he came up with another nomination. Something about frontrunning or something but hard to tell with the way Tally Ho talks.

Mr Whippy is on his way out again for an extended break away from Samoa after coming for only two weeks. He hosted a great Thanksgiving Hash last week and took his time with his downdown to give a farewell speech. He commented on how special Apia Hash is and that there is nowhere else like it in the world that he has seen. He remembered his first times at Apia Hash, when some of the older members took their time to welcome him and introduce him to the way it works, if anyone is interested you can read more about how Apia Hash works on the blog. Not one to let something nice be the last note, SOTB made Mr Whippy’s award a double for FBI.

Then the Monk Came! She heard about two girls who had been causing lots of trouble on Savaii for the last two years. She called up Lily and Rachel to assume the position. For Lily the librarian, who is very short but like to reach up high and read Samoan boys, will forever now be known as TOP SHELF. For Rachel, the Monk hears she goes running around her village wearing shortshorts and sometimes a thong – she says she runs for exercise but we hear she’s just running to check out prospective prey. She will forever now be known as THONG HUNTER. Downdown for the monk for making the trip!

Discrimination Award for the owner of a bar that offers happy hour specials on all drinks except Margaritas! How rude!
Maybe from Mr Whippy’s comments about introducing new members to Hash, Tally Ho recommends we do the hash anthem and a rousing version of it followed!

The Cake came out for Crash’s birthday – a delicious chocolate rum cake with a hula dancer. It was rectangular and CB was disappointed it wasn’t in the shape of goodies. Karaoke says Crash is a goodygoody so he doesn’t need a goody cake.
This week American Samoa not only scored their first soccer goal ever in a FIFA match, but they even won their first match ever against Toga! They were ranked dead last in the FIFA rankings but the coach hopes they will move up to be ranked in the top hundred. Wacko from AmSam took the downdown to represent. Wacko later shared with me that AmSam lost their game against the Cook Islands because one of their players scored a goal for the opposing team… good thing we didn’t know this at the time or it would have been a double!

Party foul - Niner scraped her knee on Friday night and continued to mope in the corner all night and refused to enjoy girls night! Boo. Titty G almost accidentally nominated herself for a blonde award but it ended up with Bubsy for taking the car keys but not the car.

Lastly, GM got nominated by Sassy Girl for withholding Greeny’s t-shirt money. Then GM got nominated by Sula via Sassy Girl for promising to sponsor her dance group but then not following through!
Big thank you to hosts and hares – all of them!

Announcements –
1600 Run Schedule:
Saturday Dec 10 – Nafanua Regatta. Hash will enter some teams in the social paddling race
Sunday Dec 11 – Beach run at Tafatafa
Monday Dec 12 – Christmas 1600 Run at SnakePit

On On

Monday, November 28, 2011

Hash Run 1598 - Y-Not Bar - Violence against women Run

Morning All,

Today's run will be at Y-not Bar in Matautu. The hosts (Bunga x2 and Spanky) are providing some meats for the BBQ, but if you could all bring something else along; salad, some other meat, etc for the bbq, that would be much appreciated.

All hasher's running today will get free t-shirts also, so please be on time if you want a shirt. Run will start at 1730HRS and there will be a keg there as well as softies and sweet nuts.

Please remember to bring your hash cash ($15) and your t-shirt money as today is the last day to collect the money for shirts. No map today, you should all know where this is.

Directions: Head down beach road to the Marina/Wharf, and look out for Y-not Bar and Paddles Restaurant. You cant miss it!

On On

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hash Run 1597- Thanksgiving Run @ Mr Whippy's - Lotopa

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be a BYO/Pot Luck run at Mr Whippy's in Lotopa to celebrate Thanksgiving. Please bring a dish or something to throw on the BBQ. This applies to "all" hasher's coming tonight. Lets all contribute to make this a fun evening. No food, no eat :)

There is no theme for tonight. There will be a Keg there as usual and softies.

Map is below for those who don't know where Mr Whippy lives. If you have not yet paid for your hash shirts, please bring your money with you tonight as we want to get them to the printer's this week (shirt is $25) and don't forget your hash cash ($15)

The Map is posted below but note that we will be in the first house, not the 2nd as stated on the map.

On On

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hash Trash 1596

Welcome to this episode of Living Planet where we will be visiting a long lost tribe of misfortunate runners wearing illusions of grandeur. The Apia Hash has been running for 30 years in a strange ritual of following bits of paper strewn by a carefully selected member of the tribe, known as the lepus samoaensis, or hare. The paper, made from carefully selected and processed cellulose, is shredded to a certain quality before being strewn. Oh, I am being told that there has been a processing fault in the tribe’s workshop so that for this run they will be using the bare woodchips. It’s a rare honour for us to witness this more primitive form of the ritual. And they are off, lets try and keep up with them, watch out for that branch, ouch. Oh dear, it seems like we have found a so-called false trail, and we are being showed aside by the massed tribe. A particularly massive individual greeted me just then with the famous one finger salute of the tribe. Now we are running through what appears to be someone’s garden, and you will notice the tribe daintily sidestepping the plants, except that one there that slipped. It’s a fascinating display, combined mystery with their guttural chant of “on gong” by the sounds of it. The trail appears to be culminating in a climax now and the speed appears to be picking up, evidently the scent of their reward – the golden nectar of Vailima – is so powerful that these lowly creatures have honed their senses to the maximum. And there we are – the tribe slowly reunites around the prized keg and await being called into a circle for the devotions.

Ah well. The GM, SOTB called the circle to order and asked if there were anyone new to Hash. There was Scott here on holiday who had just met a random guy in the pub and been brought to Hash by Rohan. Then there was Lewinsky’s cousin Alex from NZ, so the GM ordered a round for them both. The rethreads were Dizzy, Curly, Ramo, Buzzed, Hooker Lua and Olsen. Pitiful excuses so they all had to drink.

Celebrity Awards went to 9’er (famous father in the paper – taken by Kat), FBI (Rock the Boat ad – taken by Crash Bandicoot), Swinger (longwinded letter to the editor – taken by Snake) and Mike (full page ad with photo-shopped picture). For this day in history we celebrated the feast day of St Malo (token Samoan Eveready), the feast day of St Margaret (by spouse Snake), 1938 LSD was first produced in Switzerland (Ben), 2000 Bill Clinton is first US president to visit Vietnam after war but without Lewinsky (Lewinsky), and in honour of World Kindness Day the GM took the award for being the least kind in the hash.

Turning to his long list of dubious awards, the GM had been informed by the bouncers at Ynot that two ladies, one a hasher, had been departing the club late one evening, still dressed to the nines, and had been accosted by calls for “hey baby wanna have a good time” from from young men across the street. While the hash mere was seriously considering the offers on hand, however, her friend shooed them away with a tirade of Samoan swearing. A Cradlesnatching Blocked Award to Hooker Lua.
At the start of the run one new hash mere had shown up without shoes and had borrowed some from the host. These were clearly brand spanking new, so Alex and Ring Ring had to drink from them, with Ring Ring doing a double for forgetting her hat was on. Then there was the utterly spurious allegation that Poumuli had been strip searched by the customs officials for bringing in the 217 t-shirts. This is untrue, as they were told that your Scribe is a heavy sweater and these were all for personal use.

We had all read in the papers that two new police stations were being established around the country, and what for? Surely to stop Crime and Crash! Get In Gaol Awards for the two of them. Then there was the article about the really huge marlin, but which had none of the accomplished hash fishers involved. Hooker Lua and Lewinsky got the Bad Luck Award.

Godfather was sadly absent this week, and his scrumptious sweet nuts were sorely missed, but none so more than the absence of the ukulele. At least that partially drowns out the caterwauling of Strangler, but this week he was standing next to the equally sonically impaired Dizzy. The combined effect of their efforts drove Mini-Ninja to dash for the street and scared the wits out of the already muted hound chained at the back. Roll Over Beethoven Awards to the lot.

Opening up for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick off the mark and nominated Crash for impinging on her maestro duties by starting the song too early. Poumuli nominated Mike for not being able to read biblical jargon, but then again he is Australian so this one should have been commuted. And a latecummer award to Hot Rod.
Screamer nominated Poumuli for leaving the Hash for several weeks, but she got added in for being jealous at being left out of the delegation. Several hand gestures were exchanged. Poumuli then nominated Eveready for being surprised that the Scribe knew bible jargon, but this ended up on the GM instead.

Sassy had observed one hasher arriving with some guests and then being late had run off while leaving them to wander in the bush. Unhashmanlike Behaviour Award to Zsa Zsa, who also saw the re-introduction of the ice seat for being the last to pay hash cash and for taking his money out of what appeared to be his bum crack. His friends were introduced, Ivana from Czech Republic and Antonio from Spain, who helpfully reinserted some of the ice that had fallen from Zsa Zsa’s seat.

The GM had found his wits again, apparently they had been lying in the melting pool of Zsa Zsa’s crack, and nominated Lewinsky for non-compliance with the new liquor laws. Kat nominated Sassy as no one else had – fair enough. Rohan got caught leaning and this was doubled as Sassy put her hat on his head.

Then the GM really outshone himself in terms of his STASI-like network of spies. Apparently the offspring of one hasher had groped a certain hash mere, without the husband reacting. Come on, it was a three-year old child. Anyway, Poumuli got the Ignorant Spouse Award while Ben scored another Father of the Year Award.
Spanky had been fascinated by Ida’s toe socks and slippers, and called for an award. However, this was deemed to be culturally insensitive, so she had to join in, and her protests garnered her the Dome of Silence.

Ninja, in proud possession of the Angry Chicken Hat, was finally able to bestow this upon Zsa Zsa, at the request of a fellow Hungarian. Zsa Zsa then accused the GM for playing with a dildo app on his phone during a hash mini circle in Suva, but the vote saw both of them take it. Nicole got a leaner award, while Poumuli snuck in a last award for Ted for rigging up a sail boat and it setting off – without him!

The Hare and Hosts, Buzzer and Ring Ring were saluted for a marvellous tough run through the bushes, before we ascended on the bulging table.

Finally, a t-shirt fit for Sassy!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, November 14, 2011

Hash Run 1596 - Ring Ring @ Alafua

Morning All,
Tonights run will be a BYO Meats for the BBQ run at Ring Ring's place in Alafua. Ring Ring is providing all the salads/Breads, etc and hasher's are to bring something to throw on the BBQ.

There is no theme so come with your normal hash gear. Run will start at 1730HRS with a Keg and softies.

For your hash t-Shirts, you need to bring your $25 (per shirt) today including your hash cash....No money, No shirt... :) so please pay up today as we need to recover funds.

Map is below.

On On

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hash Trash 1595

Yea, verily much has been written in the annals of Hash History, yet seldom has the vagaries of the GM, high priest of the flock, been as convoluted as this week. As the Hashers gathered in groups of twos and threes, in the Pit that is called Snake’s, in the Vale of Saleufi, or Place of the Giant Dogs, confusion reigned as the dutiful found no respite from the silent GM. Though upon the entrance of the man called Swinger, son of the renowned healers of Siusega, the GM called forth that the run required a virgin hare to be sacrificed, and that the run would have a living hare leading the followers. Amongst the gathered there was much muttering, as the man called Swinger was deemed as far removed from virginhood as the Lake of Lanoto is from the Ridge of Tuasivi. Reflecting upon the implications of this sacrifice, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, as none would wish to see the hare in its natural and unwholesome state, that is de-bagged and bare-arsed. The hashers went on bended knee afore the GM, and in high voices lamented their fate, and begged, even unto the lives of all their loved ones, to be spared this ultimate agony. Having conspired as to how he might smite them later, the GM spake thus “go, run into the land of Apia, through the alleyways and the middens, and pursue thoust the hare, who is live, but thou shallt not remove from the hare the garments that are called under.” And they did as they were bidden, and the man Swinger girded up his loins and set forth through the Gates of Venom and Snakebite, and it came to pass as it had been foretold by the GM. For this was a long pursuit, through the alleys of Saleufi, into the shadow of Togafuafua, until the hare that is live found a midden strewn path through the dwellings of the Aai o Niue, that lies by the banks of the river that is called Vaisigano, or bringer-of-sewer-to-the-ocean. The hashers returned to that Pit that is called Snake’s, conspiring and eagerly seeking out the child of Sassy, so they might slay him, verily into a stupor, with the mighty cups that are called Down and Down.

OK, enough blasphemy from your Scribe. The GM – SOTB of the Sass, called the Hash Circle to order an asked who might be new to Apia Hash. There was Ted from Oz, who could not name one Hasher that had brought him, so he was given a large one and certainly drank it like an Oz. The rethreads were Skunk, Horny Ho, Nicole and Crash Bandicoot.

Celebrity Awards went to Mike (wife in paper), Godfather (taken by Swinger), 9’er (kangaroo attacks in Oz), Strangler (was in paper, Rohan was a look alike) and Ali (for the Ali bin Shagger Laundromat photo).

This day in history went to Kat (1999 Oz votes to keep Queen as Head of State – Need Nanny Award), Sassy and Crime (1918 Spanish Flu kills 20% of Samoa) and SOTB (for being in a historic dive record book). Latecummers Pro Bona, Dumass and Sula were given their just rewards.

Opening up for nominations, Ali congratulated someone called J for the care and concern shown during the hosting of the paddling regatta, so Ali was joined by SOTB, Anita, Horny Ho, 9’er, Mike and Crime as well as the lauded Dumass. Sassygirl BJ nominated Ben for the Good Father Award for running with Lucas on his shoulders (he’s done that before, so we may need to find a better term).

Kat fabricated a story about how a certain hasher had been so keen on a soccer game that he had turned up a day early, so Confused By Time Zones Award to Poumuli. Our Japanese couple Ida and Kyoko had been picking some nice flowers and made a bouquet, so Sassy nominated them for the Newlyweds But Lost in Translation Award.

The GM noted that yet again we were sans the normal hash mugs, to which Crash tried to pass the buck to Sassy. This did not work for obvious reasons, so Crash took the Down Down. Sassy was on a roll as usual and thanked Snake for his impromptu hosting, while Poumuli got a false accusation award for intimating that Snake had something to do with the low beer levels in the keg. Nevertheless, the GM found someone that actually works for Vailima to take a Punishment Award – Delicious handed this over to Crash.

Sassy had noticed that while Snake is an electrician, he needed someone to set off to get him Cash Power to enable the opening of the gates. Trying to silence his mother, the GM recalled how a hasher had complained of a backache, and been assured that this could be fixed by Ali, had gone upstairs at Ynot for a LONG time, and looking blank and bewildered upon his return. Dodgy Digging Award to Ali and Dumass.

Your Scribe was not on his best behaviour so he tried to assist the shutting up of Sassy with an award for hiding the money for the 1600th shirts. This backfired tremendously. Swinger added that Crime was not living up to his name, so he joined in. A Leaning Award went to Ben, who wasn’t even paying attention as he was playing on his phone with Lucas, so this became a large one. Since there was a poumuli coming out of the fence, Dumass tried to make this lean, but it didn’t work.
Poumuli tried to get a Density Award for Witch Doctor for not finding Nemo, but she countered with a Needing to be Dragged by Dive Instructor Award. A cellphonus interruptus award went to Nicole, while Poumuli accused Mike of negligence for not debagging Swinger when he had the chance. Ali thought that your Scribe had messed up, so joined the trio.

Finally, Sassy nominated Skunk for the Flagrant Enthusiasm Award for getting all excited about setting the run, then skiving off. The hosts and the hare, Snake, Skunk, Horny Ho (for getting the pizzas) and Swinger were saluted.

Check the blog for details of next week’s run, but it will be hosted by Ring Ring in Alafua, and will be a BYO meat for the BBQ.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, November 07, 2011

Hash Run 1595 - SNAKE PIT

Hash tonight will be at the Snake pit in town.

Its a "chip in for pizza's" run and there will also be a keg on tonight.

Run starts 1730Hrs...sorry for the late change in Venue.

On On

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Hash Trash 1594

The Hash was hosted at Screamer’s house in Siusega by Spanky, Hornithologist, Colm and Beccy. The hare was Hornithologist who had set the run on flour, which had us worried given the recent rains and the predilection of the local dogs to eat such flour. Oh well, we bravely set out right out the gate – no no no, she meant left – women! On to the Tafagata road for a while, right into the back of Aleisa, when eventually we found a totally confusing false trail along the fence of the Orator Hotel. We realised we could have pushed through, but someone found a new trail on the tracks behind the hotel, and then it was largely on home down past the HUGE church at the corner in Siusega and into the yard for the tumescent sweet nuts of Godfather. All in all a good run, exhausting false trails, unsafe hash marking – we need to be running AGAINST the traffic, and it didn’t rain.

SOTB was to sweaty to wear his Cartman Mask for the circle, so it was an undisguised GM who called things to order. The newbies to Hash were Beccy from Canada, brought by Hornithologist. The rethreads were Tramp, Einstein, Tooth Fairy, Karaoke, Eveready and Slippery. Explanations were too long and your Scribe was swatting at the on-off light to see his writing.

Celebrity Awards went to FBI (Observer photo, Captain Mortein was deemed closest living relative), Ninja (also in the paper, taken by Yuki), and POD (looking like a lady at the ball, so SOTB had to take it with no Lewinsky in sight). This Day in History Awards went to Sondra and Spanky (JFK announced idea of Peace Corps, 1960), Einstein (Prussia stole Schelswig-Holstein from Denmark, 1864) and Captain Mortein (Congress of Vienna made Denmark give Norway to Sweden, 1814). A special Day of Remembrance for Victims of Political Repression went to the GM for all the pain he puts the entire Hash through.

The GM had some special awards to hand out namely a Shortcutting Bastard Award to Swinger for pushing through along the Orator fence. Then there was the unlikely story of a Hasher being caught red-handed ogling a voluptuous girl on the way to Hash, so a Perved But Got Busted Award went to Godfather. Hashmanlike Behaviour I say!

Then there was the Hash Mere who had acted without really thinking, stomping a coconut shell to get it open wearing jandals. Well the coconut bit back. A Stupidity Award to Witch Doctor, and an accompanying one for Poumuli for showing her the trick in the first place. Eveready and Karaoke had been to Las Vegas, and had brought back a Vegas mug, sold by Spanky’s twin, and she was joined by Sassygirl BJ for not bringing the Hash Mugs.

Last week we had the fake quack award for Ali, and this time he came in scrubs, so the Thieving Hospital Property Award went to Ali. Then there was the Bad Parenting Award to Ben for teaching Lucas to swim by means of throwing him into the pool. Poor boy was traumatized and spent the rest of the evening playing under the tarp with the little girls. Oh, more Hashmanlike Behaviour!

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli had received one of those scam emails offering heaps of money, and the identity was given away as the man, one Abdul Wahid, signed that he was Eveready! Nigerian Email Scam Award to Eveready. Sassy nominated Captain Mortein for the Sweeping Untrue Statement Award, claiming that he cooks every day, and noting the fact that Snake had to fix the BBQ.

Sassy also nominated Wahoo and Pirate Princess for chatting up the pool guard – Flagrant Hussy Vixens Award! The GM did a contest for the best dressed hasher at the circle, and nominated 60 and 9’er, Tooth Fairy, Colm and Hornithologist. Tooth Fairy got this one by far for impersonating an insane dentist. Wait a minute…
Ali wanted to nominate Ida and Shideo for not meeting him to go up Mt Vaea, but he couldn’t remember their names, called them Inky and Binky, and the GM decreed that Ali join for probably scaring them out of their wits. Yeah, a fake doctor, what pleasant company for a tramp in the dark forest! Poumuli nominated Screamer for going in the pool rather than running.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted as the food was finally ready.

Check the blog for next week’s run. There will be a sign up sheet for Hash 1600 Run, available in small, medium, large and XL, in cotton or microfiber, colours white, blue, green or red, so come prepared. They will be approximately 25 tala each.

Finally a photo of what Captain Mortein could look like if he pisses off Pirate Princess ever.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit