Sunday, September 30, 2012

Hash Run 1642 - Gay Boy @ Vaitele

Good Afternoon All,

Tomorrows run will be hosted by Gay Boy at Vaitele. This is not far from where we had the run at Ring Ring and Snake's places in Vaitele. The host has kindly offered to provide the spread for tomorrows run so you wont need to bring anything but your self and your hash cash.

Run will start at 1730Hrs and we will have a keg and will organise for some coconuts and softies.

Map is below for directions.

On On

Friday, September 28, 2012

Message from Blue Virgin & Tauranga Hash

Hi Sassy

Thank you so much for taking us out. It was so great to meet you all. Apia hash Rocks!!!!

I can't wait to see Slippery's photo's so I can show them to the girls at work.

It is one of the most fun runs I have been to and it made our trip.

If you are ever in the neighbour hood you know where we are. 

On On BV 

I have BV and Ablushin's email if u need it... and Slippery, do you have those photos for uploading??


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Hash Trash 1641

Once upon a time, on a little island far away, there was a small village called Lotopa, meaning “on the way to the fields of endurance”. Here resided Eveready, known for his exuberant preparedness, and his wife Karaoke, known for her precocious musical talent and for her special cakes she purveyed in the village. Eveready and Karaoke, as well as their family, were ardent members of a local group of idiots known as Apia Hash House Harriers, a drinking club with a running problem. Each year on special anniversaries for their dearly departed daughter Desirable, she was, they organized a special event and invited the Hash to their home. As an additional insult to injury, they also insist that all must wear pink in her memory, thus making the lads of the Hash a spectacular laughing stock for the many peasants that lined the roads to watch the Hash. A special trail of finely shredded cellulose would be set into the village and beyond by the faithful beverage strainer Crash Bandicoot, himself a fictional character, who would use a magic conveyance to take him hither and yon in setting the trail. The Hash gathered in twos and threes and descended upon the village of Lotopa, and at the appointed hour the Grand Master, an experienced torturer and wave hunter, gave the instructions. These were magically brief and concise, and elicited wonder and mirth from the Hash. Off they went into the streets of Lotopa, chanting appropriate verses of a poem dedicated to the finding of your bloody way back home. On On cried Poumuli. Ong Ong regurgitated Strangler. Look at me everyone, cooed Cockblocker. And the trail was found and it was no yellow brick road, but more like Kansas. The Hash would form and reform like the fishes in the sea, schooling and tooling around. At one point the Hash became confused, as we could not understand how the magical conveyance of Crash could have made it into a forested area. We soon discovered that those of little faith were wrong, and with a mighty push the jolly sweating swearers danced among the fallen leaves and brightly darkened trees to find the trail. Finally it veered off into the lower part of the fields of endurance, and it was Kansas all the way home. The house had been gifted by the fairies from Vailima, with not just 1 but 1 and ½ barrel of the most wondrous libation, and expectantly drew near. Only to be rudely interrupted as the shattering sounds of an angry troll appeared in our midst. It must have been unaware that trolls turn to stone in direct sunlight, but its charmed angry chicken hat and its trusty stick kept him going and going and going. Once warned of this venal noxious presence, the Hash quickly subdued the troll with a steady infusion of Vailima, until it was transformed before our eyes into the simply grumpy Tallyho. As the hosts began the preparations of the feast, the sun began to set, and all bar one was happy ever after.

As the fairy tail run ended, the GM took control once again and called the Hash Circle to order. A whole bunch of newbies were invited to introduce themselves – these included P (Pulashti), Tom (UK), Jeff, Butts, Cam and Ellie (NZ). Transporter then rudely disrupted the circle with a cellphonus interruptus and took his award.

The Rethreads were Desperate Housewife, Sexpot, Snake, Hot Flush, Weathercock, Strangler and Cockblocker. The Shoe Inspector, Snake, did a desperate sniffing tour until he descended on P, and decided that these were new enough to warrant drinking from, which P did with much determination.

Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (for writing memoirs about tryst with Clinton, thus making this a double for the use of difficult words) and CB for being on front page of Observer. There was also an award for our resident Fireman Sam for allowing a church to burn down, so this went to someone with a similar name, Transporter. Tallyho then stepped in and pointed out there were also some volunteer firemen in the Hash present, so Transporter was joined by SOTB, Sassygirl BJ and CB for the Desecration Award.

This Day in History Awards went to Gayboy (1999 1st celebration of Bisexuality Day in US, although Swinger could have joined), Snake (1893 NZ women given the right to vote), Brent and Annie (1952 US bars Charlie Chaplin to return to US after overseas trip), Ozzy (1991 Otzi the Iceman discovered by German tourists in the Alps), Strangler (1974 punk band Stranglers is formed) and Poumuli (1905 union of Norway and Sweden is FINALLY dissolved).

Tallyho was then dobbed in for leaning on his stick, while the angry chicken hat made him swear that this was all part of his costume. The GM, finally allowed to continue, mulled over the recent headlines suggesting that Jesus had a wife, so gave a Jesus Look Alike Award to Ozzy.

Then there was the famous wife that had been caught topless, so in a bow to the royal lineage Prince was given the QILF Award. This was doubled by cellphonus interruptus. Then there was the story of a reptile found somewhere on the island, so Snake got the Invasives Award.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli presented a press release from a significant birdwatching society, referencing WHO work on diesel and lung cancer and that this was worse for birds. Resident Hornithologist and ardent spewer of diesel fumes got the Irony Award.
The GM then relayed a text message that he had received from Deep Throat all the way in Kentucky, requesting a down down for Lewinsky for old times sake. Amidst cries that this should be cellphonus, Lewinsky struggled to do the award. To add insult to injury, Top Shelf nominated Lewinsky and Slippery for having a private circle in the Hash Circle.

Brent wanted to nominate the new med students, who had been raiding the hospital supplies to find something pink. Snake corroborated this, as they had told him “you don’t want to know where this came from”. But as usual the GM decided that this was dedication to Hash, so Brent got the Boomerang Award.
Sassy had observed some panicked text and blog traffic after the last Hash, as someone purloined a set of rental car keys that had been stupidly left on a table. So Lewinsky stepped in for being Mine Host in a Den of Iniquity Award, and Brent and Annie for the Abject Failure Award.

After many libations, Bruce now wanted an award for Poumuli for having a national cricket team made up entirely of imports (they were actually either 1st or 2nd generation Pakistanis) that also thrashed Samoa in their last game. But as always, Hash is brutal with long explanations, having regularly suffered the meandering “mind” of FBI, so the such-named award went to Bruce. Better luck next time!

Eveready made a special presentation to Slim Shady for her ardent interest in looking at his avocados, and gave her an elongated pod which she claimed would give her sweet dreams. Sexpot rather surprisingly noticed the eyes-on-a-stalk interest in this from DH and Goldfinger, which DH tried to obviate by pointing out Tallyho’s continued staff leaning.

Wahoo came late, which was dumbly pointed out by a thirsty Poumuli. A special bet had been made by Sassy and Sexpot during the Ragamuffin to run together, but Sexpot came late and messed it up for her, hence a Ruined Expectations Award.  Delicious then nominated Karaoke for the Sexy Grandma Award for her hot pink shorts, which she flaunted by demonstration using the medium of pole dancing.

As we continue to have crap weather for the runs, Poumuli nominated Weathercock for the Dereliction of Duty Award, joined by weather mere Lowrider. On the run Gayboy had been uncharacteristically chivalrous to Lucy, but she got his name wrong – Boomerang Backfire. The GM then gave the med students a down down for surreptitiously coming to Hash to study the psychology of group madness as part of their coursework.

In a rather confusing moment in Hash History, Tallyho awarded the Angry Chicken to Strangler. This will no doubt cause a precedence.

The Hare and the Hosts were saluted, doubled for Crash for setting it on wheels, while Eveready recalled to us the start of this tradition of the pink runs in memory of Desirable.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Gayboy so watch the blog.
On On

Friday, September 21, 2012

Hash Trash 1640

Woe unto us when we cannot find a host for the Hash, and we are reduced to mingling with the clientele of Lewinsky’s place! Anyhow, no one manned up, so we had to go to HQ 1 – On the Rocks. Anyhow. The GM rapidly appointed Tallyho to be the Live Hare, but decreed that there would be no debagging if he was caught. Huge sighs of relief as his shorts look like they have been around since Shakespearean times. Off he went at a rather steadily brutal pace, initially only followed by Poumuli, but soon Strangler, Zsa Zsa, Gayboy, Ozzie and Hornithologist caught up. Tallyho had some good ideas for the trail so we hung a left then a right, then through someone’s backyard, up on the airport road and into Palisi, or the Bronx, before we ended up at a dry river bed. At this stage Tallyho required the Sherpa-like qualities of Gayboy, who enticed a willing young lad to reveal the secrets of the path ahead. Tallyho being of advanced frailty allowed other FRBs to surge ahead down the pebbled embankment, and we ended up at the 4 corners before Farmer Joes where the big morm building is. It was on home as it started pissing cats and dogs, making the accumulated saliva from countless harkings a rather slippery affair. Back at HQ1 there was no Godfather, so no scintillating cold beady nuts to savour.
Well as far as a live run is concerned this was amongst the best, and it was certainly inventive use of what town has to offer in terms of trails. 6.9 out of 10.

The GM, SOTB had taken various shortcuts and was of course in an early stage of extreme inebriation. Staggeringly calling the crowd to order, much of a problem because of the horrendous din emanating from Lewinsky’s patrons, he asked those new to Hash to step into the circle. These were Blue Virgin and A-blue-Shin from the Mt Manganui Hash (recommended to come here by Bin Garden – he was here for the jazz and hash some years ago), Shari (brought by Tooth Fairy). The GM decided it was an opportunity to christen the new Hash Mugs brought from Bangkok by Poumuli, who reluctantly had to join them.

Blue Virgin then revealed that she had even further contacts with the Apia Hash and brought forth the Angry Chicken hat that the Christchurch Hussies had stolen in December, now lovingly embroidered with said facts. Some Kiwis were invited to do a proxy down down, namely the Manganuis. The rethreads were Poumuli, Strangler, Pirate Princess, Tina, Wahoo, Today, Tomorrow and Karaoke. The large number involved required too much mental calculation from the GM, so no explanations have been recorded.

As per usual, the Shoe Inspector Lewinsky failed and tasted the first of many. Celebrity Awards went to Pirate Princess and Deidry for the full on advertorial about Cappuccino Vineyard. Strangler joined them for a carry-over from the Perimeter Relay.

And in This Day In History, we had Brent and his wife (1814 – words to Star Spangled Banner composed), Tallyho (Battle of Britain Day), Sassygirl BJ (Feast Day of Our Lady of Sorrows – well look at the GM, he causes no end of sorrows!), Today (Respect of the Aged Day in Japan), Bruce (1987 Montreal Protocol signed – he has spent years trying to improve it), and Lewinsky (for POD – St Ariane’s Day).

Before the GM could introduce his awards, Tallyho wanted the Hash to be aware of all the letters to the Editor about broken down ambulances. Yet at the last run we had seen heaps of them up on whatever-those-things-are-called, so he strongly suspected that the proprietors of the last host establishment were doing some self-advertisement. Transporter, who could not follow what the hell Tallyho was saying, took the Reverse Ambulance Chase Award anyway.

As he shook himself out of his fog the GM finally got to his awards. He regaled the Hash with a tale of hashers lost and needing the services of a translator to get directions, and how one had bravely stepped into the fray, much like a sheep in New Zealand, and had brought the trail back on track. Sherpa Award to Gayboy. There was some muttering that Tallyho was only grumpy because he then only had Gayboy behind him.

Adding to this tale of the trail, Poumuli noted that Strangler, Hornithologist  and Ozzie had run ahead of the Hare, thus technically being on a false trail. Strangler tried to rebut this, but as he was leaning this failed. Sassy then caught two of our newcomers, James and Joel for leaning so they too joined in the down downs.

As mentioned, we had some crap weather towards the end of the run, and since our resident weather man Weathercock was absent, the GM needed to turn his ire at the lack of communications with the weather gods on someone. He decided that since Lowrider is employed at the Met Office that she should have been more perspicacious in imploring the lords above for better running weather.
Opening up for nominations, Strangler quickly jumped in and recounted his experience in a local comestibles shop, where he had found a can of fish that stated that it “tasted just like wahoo”. Opening up the can he demanded that Poumuli prove or disprove this statement. While admittedly the can tasted like crap, Poumuli decided that it was the more prudent course of action to take the award, take down names for future reference, and chive on.

In a moment of intense poetic justice, Joel caught Sassy leaning! Keeping it in the family, Poumuli nominated the GM for dereliction of duty, since he had charged Lowrider with a crime that should have been passed to Poumuli, him being Weathercock’s boss.

We sometimes have our Vailima reps join us for the circle, and this time Fred had stayed from the time of delivery of the keg. Transporter had observed what this securing of the gear entailed, namely inhaling several gallons of the lovely nectar. Poumuli added that Fred had tried to leave before the circle started, so he gamely took a double down down, smilingly calling his tormentors a bunch of mother#%#%s.

Gayboy, not normally coherent by this stage in the proceedings, did not dissuade us from our illusions, and made some screed about Prince Harry and Afghanistan. Boomerang Award. Tallyho then dobbed in Hornithologist for being too quiet. For the Tourist of the Year Award, Sassy nominated A-Blue-Shin for paying a taxi driver 300 tala for a ride from the airport. A few more of that and the economy will be in good shape.

Adam, who is leaving us, was dobbed in for a farewell toast, but this was doubled when it was found that he had been dabbling in burnt sausages.

As mentioned, the Angry Chicken Hat is back, and the GM decided that he wanted to award this to the grumpiest old bastard he could find, so that said grump could be bitter all week until he could pay someone back. After Poumuli explained the rules of the hat (bring it back next week and award it to anyone who is chicken, grumpy or altogether undesirable), Tallyho was asked to don the finely embroidered un-amused avian cap.

The Hare and the Host, Tallyho and Lewinsky were saluted. We then embarked on a sausage and chicken fest, only interspersed with some finely marinated teriyaki pork brought by Your Scribe.
Next week is at Eveready and Karaoke’s, so must wear pink!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hash Run 1641 - PINK RUN with Karaoke and Eveready @ Lotopa

Hello All,

Next weeks run will be hosted by Karaoke and Eveready at their home in Lotopa. The Theme for the run is PINK so make sure you wear something PINK to hash...We may put those who do not wear pink on the ice for the night... :)

The hosts have also kindly offered to provide the spread for Monday's Run, so you wont need to bring anything unless you want to. There will be a Keg and softies on Monday and we will try and organise some sweet nuts too.

Run starts at 1730Hrs, please bring your hash cash $15 and see you all there!

On On

Monday, September 17, 2012

Hash Trash 1639

Apologies for delayed posting - Poumuli, IKA Slit

There are probably many people who think that the Hash is made up of aliens, general misfits and those who are “other-worldly” in their pursuit of the true-trail, shredded-paper and the holy-grail of the fluid of sustenance.  This week it may indeed have seemed this way even to some of the hashmen and hashmeres as they plodded in the nether regions of Vaitele for the second week running; were we in a parallel universe, a mirror image of the one in which we had followed Snake & Skunk’s paper and trail the previous week. From Snakepit2 we had turned right, right again, zig-zagged about a bit, down the hill and then up again, we woke up all the dogs in the eastern bit of Vaitele, went through a bit of bush and then after a long run home finally ended up back at the keg. This week in Transporter’s wrecked car yard it was easy to imagine that we were in another world where the toiling workers worship a broken-down ambulance which could be seen lofted high in a citadel that was full of other such false-idols of broken-down vehicles, rusty machines and piles of twisted wires – was this where “transformers” are created, was the ambulance a new time-machine, the home of a new Time Lord to replace Dr Who’s phone-box; is Transporter an alien.
As the pack milled about in Transporter’s yard like a bunch of short-circuiting daleks, our own Time Lord, GM SOTB, on-time for once, called us to order. Out-of-the-gate turn left and follow the paper he commanded, with the added caveat that there would be no red-ribbons or other confusions on the trail this week. And so the pack went out of the gate turned left, turned left again, zig-zagged about a bit, up the hill and then down again, woke up all the dogs in the western half of Vaitele, went round the old quarry and a after another long run home we ended up back at the keg. It was as if we had followed the mirror image of last week’s trail warped only by a different space-time continuum, being the next Monday; and as the Time Lording GM called the circle after the run your scribe clearly saw a shooting-star flashing across the sky – it was no doubt a sign from Transporter’s alien masters; did anyone see the ambulance levitate I wonder …………..
And so to the ceremonials; first to come into the circle as usual were the new-footprints and hash virgins, Natalie, Charles, Adam (sister of Lucy), Dave from Westpac and Andrew and a young mere whose name your Scribe cannot decipher who were introduced by Brazilian. Following this lot were the usual bunch of failures and retreads: Top Shelf had been in US, Brazilian had been bobbing around on Gaualofa, GayBoy had been doing something with Dumbass and Prince who just a late-cummer again.
Although the perimeter run happened nearly two weeks ago the celebrities still keep appearing the paper, so this week is was Annie, Brent, Owen, Lucy, Sassy and Natalie for somehow all featuring somewhere.
Shoe -inspector Lewinsky was as desperate as ever to perve the legs of all the meres and demonstrate his macho ability to sniff a new boot at ten paces. Finally he picked on Annie, who claimed that she had already worn her runners on the perimeter run and the previous week, but Lewinsky would have none of this so Annie took her punishment. Next was the Bad Parenting Award to POD for leaving her mewling kids with ProBoner while she went to watch the boxing, no doubt hoping to get some tips in order to sort Lewinsky out when he comes home late wanting to be frisky. GayBoy was the next to have the bone pointed; according to unreliable reports he was the token “woman” in the one of Riggamuffin rowing crews…. Remember Rule 1.
In This Day in History this week we had Elvis Presley's 1st appearance on Ed Sullivan's Show in 1955 and a year later his first appearance on national tv in USA; Ozzie was the clear choice for this one. In 1895 Mike the headless chook finally died in USA after apparently choking on a pea; since there had been a lot of headless-chook checking by the inexperienced FRBs today by popular acclaim Neil was dobbed for this one. And if you lot of smirkers think your scribe makes this stuff up Top Shelf confirmed that in Colorado they have a public holiday to commemorate this headless chook… go figure but it is in the US after all. And finally this week it had been Pippa Middleton’s birthday. During the run your Scribe had been comparing Pippa’s well-known attributes with those of the meres in the pack. Since none was wearing a long white dress it had to be settled by the all-black ensemble worn by Cecilia; and any other similarities between Cecilia’s rear-end and Pippa’s rear-end were purely in your Scribe’s dreams for the rest of the night……..
Horny Ho was the next to try her luck with a dob; as ever she was unable to take her eyes off Tallyho’s air-conditioned shorts, what is it with HH. Everyone knows Tallyho has a wonderful physique and a sexy arse but every week HH gets excited. And while the circle was considering Tallyho’s attributes WestPac Dave was brought into the circle for apparently giving his missus Red Bull and Viagra to help their baby sleep. However since Lewinsky had failed to instruct Dave on the DD protocol he too took one for failure to instruct.
Nina, this week’s leaver was next in the circle, followed by Transporter for the definite suspicion of having set the run from a chariot, or more likely some sort of UFO from amongst the wrecks in his yard. Rod and GayBoy were next to feel the wrath of the circle for short-cutting, so what’s new. Brent then had a minor dummy-spit at Joel, James and Charlotte for asking to be picked-up but then not being ready so they almost missed the run.
By this time it seemed that Lewinsky was becoming “tired and emotional” and he became confused between Treasure Garden and Sunrise when trying to dob GayBoy for something or other. And having yet another DD did not improve Lewinsky’s performance for the rest of the evening. ProBoner next called Horny Ho into the circle for her birthday; Toa’i was now the one getting confused somehow confusing Tallyho with Horny Ho and she too ended up with a mug of the fluid of sustenance.
Suddenly there was a mighty rushing wind and the Hash Monk appeared as if dropped from a UFO or perhaps transmogrified in Transporter’s ambulance.
Hash Signs
Regular clumps or strands of hashpaper/flour or double chalk arrows; you’re on the trail, stick with it, you can’t go wrong if you are on-paper unless you cum across:-
Circle of paper; this is a hash check, check for the true trail in all directions, this will be signified by the reappearance of regular paper, but look out for:
X (Crossed paper); you are on a  False trail, check back to last sighting of paper or last hash check and search for the true trail; listen for cries of “On On”
HH; indicates a Hash Halt, stop and wait till the BRB’s and BWB’s have caught up, unless they make no effort to run, in which case leave the bastards behind. However breaking hashhalt before the on-on command is a dobbable offence
Paper stops, same as X you’re on a falsie, check back and search for the true trail,
Paper scattered all over the trail; some little kid has destroyed a check or X, (or a dog has eaten the flour) use initiative, or give up and return to keg
Single chalk arrow: take care Crime or Kiwi are around somewhere and are up to mischief, if the arrow points to the fluid of sustenance follow it, if not then head for the fluid of sustenance anyway
No paper and it’s getting dark; you’re lost; head for the setting sun or the keg of the fluid of sustenance, whichever is closer.
Hash Abbreviations
FRB   -   Front Running Bastards (e.g. CB, Pussy Snatcher, Prince, Sex Pot, Gay Boy, Strangler, Tallyho,  and other such fine hashmen)
FWB   -   Front Walking Bastards (only found at the start of the run as the pack shambles off in search of paper, e.g. Karaoke, Eveready, Sassy and most of the hash-meres; these usually becomes BWBs by the end of the run
MRB  -   Middle Running Bastards (solid hashmen all: including Godfather, Crime, SOTB & Lewinsky (occasionally), Ozzie, Swinger, Toothfairy and a few of the hash meres e.g. Desperate Housewife, POD, Hornithologist and Ring Ring)
BRB   -   Back Running Bastards (Snake, Weathercock, Tomorrow and some of the meres e.g. Today, Hippy and Sassy – when she’s not a NRB)
BWB  -   Back Walking Bastards (Eveready, and the rest of the hashmeres e.g. Horny Ho & Slim Shady)
SCB   -   Short Cutting Bastards (Snake, Transporter & Crime when they’re not BRB or MRB)
NRB   -   Non Running Bastards (usually found already lurking by the keg when the FRBs get back from the run, e.g. Slippery, SOTB when he’s not an MRB, ProBoner & Lewinsky.
After the Monk’s usual tirade telling the circle what a slack bunch of bastards we all are and what a pain-in-the-butt it is to have to come all the way to Apia Hash from the fleshpots of Khartoum or wherever it is Monks usually hang-out, it was announced that we had some namings today. In the background the sacred anointing oils were being prepared and the first to kneel before the Monk were Cecilia and Toa’i. The circle waited in a state of growing excitement as the Monk pronounced that from this day forward the AHHH’s very own doctor would be called “Goldfinger” …. No prizes for guessing why. Having seen her sister disappear in a cloud of the Monk’s magic powder Toa’i was now is a state of feverish excitement at the prospect of her own anointment…. From this day forward she would be known as “Low-rider” and would always be hitched to and getting a ride with “Transporter”.  All those in the circle without hashnames were now glancing round nervously… who would the Monk summon next to kneel and be anointed. The Monk’s beady eye alighted on Frances and Owen, there was a look of some anguish in their eyes, but they boldly stepped forward. First Frances; “thou shalt be called “Hippy” intoned the Monk as the sacred oil and flour were gently massaged into her hair, next was Owen “and you will henceforth be known as Stick”. The Monk then chanted some words to explain to the HashGods why these names had been chosen but the words were carried away into the night sky so we shall never probably know what was going on in the mind of the Monk. But then no-one ever knows what’s going on in the Monk’s mind, least of all the Monk.
GayBoy suddenly leapt on the Monk and then embraced Prince and all three drank of the fluid of sustenance. Finally as ever the Hare and Host entered the circle and Transporter did his bit for a good run and tasty snags as usual.
For the benefit of all the new hashmen and hashmeres your Scribe has included two information boxes on Hash Abbreviations and Hash Signs so next week there should be no headless-chook checking from the FRBs
On on and Toodle Pip