Once upon a time, on a little island far away, there was a small village called Lotopa, meaning “on the way to the fields of endurance”. Here resided Eveready, known for his exuberant preparedness, and his wife Karaoke, known for her precocious musical talent and for her special cakes she purveyed in the village. Eveready and Karaoke, as well as their family, were ardent members of a local group of idiots known as Apia Hash House Harriers, a drinking club with a running problem. Each year on special anniversaries for their dearly departed daughter Desirable, she was, they organized a special event and invited the Hash to their home. As an additional insult to injury, they also insist that all must wear pink in her memory, thus making the lads of the Hash a spectacular laughing stock for the many peasants that lined the roads to watch the Hash. A special trail of finely shredded cellulose would be set into the village and beyond by the faithful beverage strainer Crash Bandicoot, himself a fictional character, who would use a magic conveyance to take him hither and yon in setting the trail. The Hash gathered in twos and threes and descended upon the village of Lotopa, and at the appointed hour the Grand Master, an experienced torturer and wave hunter, gave the instructions. These were magically brief and concise, and elicited wonder and mirth from the Hash. Off they went into the streets of Lotopa, chanting appropriate verses of a poem dedicated to the finding of your bloody way back home. On On cried Poumuli. Ong Ong regurgitated Strangler. Look at me everyone, cooed Cockblocker. And the trail was found and it was no yellow brick road, but more like Kansas. The Hash would form and reform like the fishes in the sea, schooling and tooling around. At one point the Hash became confused, as we could not understand how the magical conveyance of Crash could have made it into a forested area. We soon discovered that those of little faith were wrong, and with a mighty push the jolly sweating swearers danced among the fallen leaves and brightly darkened trees to find the trail. Finally it veered off into the lower part of the fields of endurance, and it was Kansas all the way home. The house had been gifted by the fairies from Vailima, with not just 1 but 1 and ½ barrel of the most wondrous libation, and expectantly drew near. Only to be rudely interrupted as the shattering sounds of an angry troll appeared in our midst. It must have been unaware that trolls turn to stone in direct sunlight, but its charmed angry chicken hat and its trusty stick kept him going and going and going. Once warned of this venal noxious presence, the Hash quickly subdued the troll with a steady infusion of Vailima, until it was transformed before our eyes into the simply grumpy Tallyho. As the hosts began the preparations of the feast, the sun began to set, and all bar one was happy ever after.
As the fairy tail run ended, the GM took control once again and called the Hash Circle to order. A whole bunch of newbies were invited to introduce themselves – these included P (Pulashti), Tom (UK), Jeff, Butts, Cam and Ellie (NZ). Transporter then rudely disrupted the circle with a cellphonus interruptus and took his award.
The Rethreads were Desperate Housewife, Sexpot, Snake, Hot Flush, Weathercock, Strangler and Cockblocker. The Shoe Inspector, Snake, did a desperate sniffing tour until he descended on P, and decided that these were new enough to warrant drinking from, which P did with much determination.
Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (for writing memoirs about tryst with Clinton, thus making this a double for the use of difficult words) and CB for being on front page of Observer. There was also an award for our resident Fireman Sam for allowing a church to burn down, so this went to someone with a similar name, Transporter. Tallyho then stepped in and pointed out there were also some volunteer firemen in the Hash present, so Transporter was joined by SOTB, Sassygirl BJ and CB for the Desecration Award.
This Day in History Awards went to Gayboy (1999 1st celebration of Bisexuality Day in US, although Swinger could have joined), Snake (1893 NZ women given the right to vote), Brent and Annie (1952 US bars Charlie Chaplin to return to US after overseas trip), Ozzy (1991 Otzi the Iceman discovered by German tourists in the Alps), Strangler (1974 punk band Stranglers is formed) and Poumuli (1905 union of Norway and Sweden is FINALLY dissolved).
Tallyho was then dobbed in for leaning on his stick, while the angry chicken hat made him swear that this was all part of his costume. The GM, finally allowed to continue, mulled over the recent headlines suggesting that Jesus had a wife, so gave a Jesus Look Alike Award to Ozzy.
Then there was the famous wife that had been caught topless, so in a bow to the royal lineage Prince was given the QILF Award. This was doubled by cellphonus interruptus. Then there was the story of a reptile found somewhere on the island, so Snake got the Invasives Award.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli presented a press release from a significant birdwatching society, referencing WHO work on diesel and lung cancer and that this was worse for birds. Resident Hornithologist and ardent spewer of diesel fumes got the Irony Award.
The GM then relayed a text message that he had received from Deep Throat all the way in Kentucky, requesting a down down for Lewinsky for old times sake. Amidst cries that this should be cellphonus, Lewinsky struggled to do the award. To add insult to injury, Top Shelf nominated Lewinsky and Slippery for having a private circle in the Hash Circle.
Brent wanted to nominate the new med students, who had been raiding the hospital supplies to find something pink. Snake corroborated this, as they had told him “you don’t want to know where this came from”. But as usual the GM decided that this was dedication to Hash, so Brent got the Boomerang Award.
Sassy had observed some panicked text and blog traffic after the last Hash, as someone purloined a set of rental car keys that had been stupidly left on a table. So Lewinsky stepped in for being Mine Host in a Den of Iniquity Award, and Brent and Annie for the Abject Failure Award.
After many libations, Bruce now wanted an award for Poumuli for having a national cricket team made up entirely of imports (they were actually either 1st or 2nd generation Pakistanis) that also thrashed Samoa in their last game. But as always, Hash is brutal with long explanations, having regularly suffered the meandering “mind” of FBI, so the such-named award went to Bruce. Better luck next time!
Eveready made a special presentation to Slim Shady for her ardent interest in looking at his avocados, and gave her an elongated pod which she claimed would give her sweet dreams. Sexpot rather surprisingly noticed the eyes-on-a-stalk interest in this from DH and Goldfinger, which DH tried to obviate by pointing out Tallyho’s continued staff leaning.
Wahoo came late, which was dumbly pointed out by a thirsty Poumuli. A special bet had been made by Sassy and Sexpot during the Ragamuffin to run together, but Sexpot came late and messed it up for her, hence a Ruined Expectations Award. Delicious then nominated Karaoke for the Sexy Grandma Award for her hot pink shorts, which she flaunted by demonstration using the medium of pole dancing.
As we continue to have crap weather for the runs, Poumuli nominated Weathercock for the Dereliction of Duty Award, joined by weather mere Lowrider. On the run Gayboy had been uncharacteristically chivalrous to Lucy, but she got his name wrong – Boomerang Backfire. The GM then gave the med students a down down for surreptitiously coming to Hash to study the psychology of group madness as part of their coursework.
In a rather confusing moment in Hash History, Tallyho awarded the Angry Chicken to Strangler. This will no doubt cause a precedence.
The Hare and the Hosts were saluted, doubled for Crash for setting it on wheels, while Eveready recalled to us the start of this tradition of the pink runs in memory of Desirable.
Next week’s run will be hosted by Gayboy so watch the blog.