Hash Trash 1638

Who let the dogs out; Who let the dogs out!!! The words of this completely inane one-hit-wonder song rang through your Scribe’s head as we fought our way, with pockets full of rocks, through the packs of mad-dogs in Vaitele. What the hell had Snake and Skunk got us into today…….

But as the pack had earlier gathered in the front yard of the Snake Pit 2 there was no sign of either Snake or Skunk, this evening’s hares. Then in a cloud of dust the Snakemobile screeched to a halt and out gets Snake in working boots and Skunk in a pair of runners…. Hmmm….. just a hint of suspicion that the run had been set at least in part from Snake’s chariot... With the (late) arrival of the GM the pack were milling-about like headless chooks waiting for a leader; finally Snake yells out “it’s set on paper out the gate and turn right”; and so off the pack shambled. Down the hill the shambles picked-up a bit of speed towards the sea led by FRBs Tallyho, Neil, and assorted new boots who were trying to understand what the hell it was we were all looking for.  Checking left, right and back-and-forth, and finally hanging-a-right and heading east, only to find that Godfather and Crime were already on the trail…. With a bit of zig-zagging we then turned left into an area that must be the mad-dog centre of Apia. Either that or the residents here are so threatened by burglars that they keep dozens of snarling-dogs to deter any would be intruders. One particular mutt took a particular dislike to Tallyho, but was sent into retreat by a well-aimed rock and it then proceeded to snap vigorously at the heels of Ozzie, who was surprisingly un-phased by the prospect of having his leg chewed. As the whole pack filed past just about every dog in the country seemed to be barking at once. Having reached the end of the cul-de-sac the trail went into the bush and finally, much to your Scribe’s surprise, we ended up in Vaiusu. It was then clear why there were so many dogs on the road, this trail had been used by all the rock-throwing youths in Vaiusu, Vaigaga and Vailoa for their recent raids into each-others villages and it had been on this bush-track that the police had nabbed several of the rock-throwers last weekend. Up Vaiusu road and right into a newly cleared area of subdivision at the top of which there was a magnificent view over the whole of Apia. In the middle of this plot was a large brown bull trying very hard to be frisky with a somewhat disinterested looking cow, which was standing contentedly chewing-the-cud and admiring the view. Eyeing Toothfairy and Tallyho, who were clearly looking for tips on mounting techniques, the bull decided it would demonstrate how it should be done……. green with envy the two voyeurs decided to beat a retreat before the bull decided it didn’t like being watched while getting its leg-over. Following paper through the bush brought everyone into the road somewhere at the back of Vaitele Primary. Here the pack seems to have lost the paper and there was checking in every direction. Although the paper was eventually found heading out onto the main road running past the race-course others including Owen, Brent and Tallyho disappeared in sundry other directions finally meeting-up with the rest of the pack at the top of the hill above Snake Pit 2. And so ended another long and eventful Apia hash run. There was no doubt that much of the run had been set from the Snakemobile (fresh tyre tracks in the sub-division) with Skunk being sent to scatter paper in the bush.

At the command of the GM the pack actually formed-up in a semblance of a real circle for once inside the Fale. It was fairly clear that the older more-experienced hashmen and meres stood pace-or-two inside the railings so as avoid any suspicion of leaning; the new-comers on the other hand all saw the posts and rails as the easy option. Some were to soon learn the error of their ways.

This week we had three new-boots in Charlotte, Joel and James a threesome from Oz all here to minister to the sick and suffering at the hospital; all introduced by Brent and Annie both of whom were perimeter runners the weekend.

A staka retreads were then called or dragged into the circle: Flash Gordon had been working; Stiletto had been on-the-job with FG; Frances, aka Obama for this evening by virtue of her very un-hash t-shirt, claimed to have been working in the OzHighCom; Slim Shady had been doing something with/for women and Neil had been holding-the-fort at SPREP while all the rest of the staff had been enjoying themselves in Noumea and other places on their usual travels.

The GM next anointed Snake as this evening’s shoe inspector. Usually a thankless task unless there are some unsuspecting retreads or new-boots, which fortunately (or unfortunately in Snake’s case cos he is known to appreciate a DD for any reason), he spotted Stiletto’s very clean flip-flops and Joel’s newish looking runners. Stiletto being a game hash-mere ready to take whatever a hash-man offers took her DD using the flip-flop as a funnel, and thanks to the steady hand of the GM and Stiletto’s amazing swallow not a drop was spilt.

This week’s press had yielded no celebrity foto’s but the tv was more promising with Transporter, Lewinsky and the GM all spotted trying to hide as the tv cameras panned the crowd at the celebrity boxing event at the weekend. Next the well-publicised near-miss (or not depending on the story-teller) between Samoa Air and Polynesian gave the GM the chance to get his revenge; Crime (Samoa Air ground control??);  Flash Gordon (ex-Poly pilot); Sassy & Skunk (ex-air traffic control) all featured as being accessories in some vague way. Sassy having had her tonsils lubricated by the DD then called on Snake for leaving the coconut tree full of brown nuts that could be dangerous and fall on unsuspecting hashman or pikinini at the Senese school. Snake’s right of reply digressed in pointing out that his nuts weren’t brown but they could be dangerous, witness his brood of snakelets that had accumulated over the years.

This day in history brought Slippery in the circle representing all the bankers for the anniversary of the first ATM machine (1969); Brent was happy to stand-in for Geronimo who had finally surrendered to the cavalry in 1886 and Transporter commemorated the production of the first tank and the nickname of “Uncle Sam” for the USA (1813). In 31BC Mark Antony and his mere Cleopatra were defeated at the Battle of Actium bringing an end to their period of lust and debauchery together, needless to say our own GM “Antony” was in the circle to celebrate this, although he was still available for the lust and debauchery stuff. Newboot James was keen to take the role of the Hobbit to mark the death of Tolkien, Ozzie took one for the anniversary of Michael Jackson’s last No1 hit in 1996 and Swinger took it for the poms, who on this day in 1752 changed their calendar by 11days, not just the miserly one-day as was the case here at the end of last year.

Pro-Boner was next in the circle to celebrate her 30^th birthday. The GM then called Sassy back into the circle for leaving the fire-truck’s lights on during the regatta in the afternoon so that they had to push the fire-truck to get it started; this proved more difficult than usual since Sassy had not put it into gear. Women drivers… so much for a fast response.

The Gasman Hashman Hero of the week then went to Transporter for rushing home to “borrow” his parents’ gas-bottle as Hash BBQ had forgotten to bring the gas.

The hash had been well represented in several teams & support crews in the perimeter run on Saturday; the hash team had completed the run in just under 10 hours which was a great achievement and had also raised more than $2300 for the Fiamalamalama Society; Swinger, Owen, Brent, Annie, Toa’i, Slim Shady, Slippery, Lucy were all involved in one-way-or-another in the run and Eveready was one of the organisers. Congratulations to all involved. But as in all events involving hash-mismanagement there always residues, or in this case dirty-linen, to be exposed. Slippery reached into his sporran and pulled out a pair of underpants and asked the owner to step forward to claim them; although blushing, Swinger was quite adamant they were not his as he only wore Y-fronts, it soon transpired that such skimpies could only belong to Zsa-Zsa, he will wait his fate when he next returns to a Monday run.  Obama was next with a dirty-linen story, apparently she had invited all the hash team back to her place to have a shower where some had also left items of clothing. This admission of having staka blokes soaped-up in the family shower caused something of a domestic with Owen who claimed to have been unaware of his missus entertaining the hash team in this way. Hornithologist got into the fray with another dob on Obama for putting ice down the underwear of Zsa-Zsa; your Scribe thinks there was a touch of envy in Hornithologist’s tone in making this dob……. But Obama claimed that this treatment had certainly perked-him-up, so-to-speak, as Zsa-Zsa’s time over the last leg was his best of the day. Maybe some ice down the jocks of all hashmen before the regular runs would raise their performance…..

From the start of a “domestic” to the commencement of domestic-bliss was next-up; this brought Stiletto and Flash Gordon into the circle again to celebrate their first hash after their nuptials. James and Charlotte nominated Joel for the same reason although his new bride was apparently resting at home preparing herself for his return from the run….. could be their first “domestic” too.

A congratulatory was next for Toa’i who is now apparently in charge of disasters, and the way things were going with DDs this evening Transporter could be her first disaster management case.  In the same congratulatory mood Sassy nominated the GM for the Captain Pugwash Seamanship award for rescuing a canoe full of little boys who had capsized, but according to the GM it was Gayboy who was first in the water to get to at the boys…  A Special Desperate Husband award went to Flash Gordon who had apparently hijacked a plane to get back to Samoa to have a deep and penetrating conversation with Stiletto.

There was then a hissy-fit between Hornithologist and Slim Shady over some girly thing which ended with Hornithologist being dobbed Whineging Mere of the week. Sassy followed this with a pissy-fit over the dunny light that she claimed Snake had not repaired since the last time the hash was at this venue. Snake took advantage of being centre stage to point the bone at Tallyho for losing the trail when he was watching the bonking-bull on the new house-site in the Vaiusu sub-division.

Whoa! My love, my darling,  I hunger for your touch,  Alone.  Lonely time.  And time goes by, so slowly,  And time can do so much,  Are you still mine?  I need your love.  I need your love.  God speed your love to me.  Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea,  To the open arms of the sea.  Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me,  I'll be coming home, wait for me.  Whoa! My love, my darling,  I hunger, hunger!, for your love,  For love.  Lonely time.  And time goes by, so slowly,  And time can do so much,  Are you still mine?  I need your love.  I need your love.  God speed your love to me. source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/r/righteousbrotherslyrics/unchainedmelodylyrics.html

In his right of reply Tallyho accused Snake and Skunk of endangering the lives of all hashmen and meres in taking the trail through packs of baying hounds in Vaitele and then down into Vaiusu village where the pack could have been arrested for being disorderly. Tallyho produced a rock from his pocket to demonstrate the necessity of being protected. During this altercation Godfather and Obama claimed to have become bored and had started to sing hymns or something. This disrespect for hash protocol made the GM very cross so Tallyho’s counter-dob to the hares was forgotten and Godfather and Obama were in the circle instead. Normal service was soon resumed with Lewinsky nominating Transporter for the FBI Fast-n-Furious-Noisy-Chariot Award for waking-up POD and offspring when delivering Lewinsky onto the front lawn after Saturday night. The previous week it seems Slim-Shady had asked Eveready if he could show her his “avocados” in the plantation at Tapatapa’o, but then she had not turned-up for their assignation, leaving Eveready to admire his avocados alone. Slim Shady tried to talk her way out of this Hussy-of-the-week award but the pack would have none of her lame excuses and both she and Eveready were in the circle. Lewinsky was in full dummy-spitting mode and again dobbed Transporter, this time for trying to sell him over-priced tickets for the boxing. At this point it looked like the keg was beginning to float so the GM called proceedings to a close with Hare and Host, Snake and Skunk doing the final DDs for the evening.

Next week the venue will be Transporter’s wrecking yard in Vaitele.

And on Saturday 15^th the Yacht Club will be holding a Fancy Dress Fund Raiser for Junior Sailors and Old Salts. Dress-up as your favourite Screen Super-Hero, your favourite Hash-Hero or just turn-up as yourself. Music by DJ Cory, with nibble and prizes. Tickets at $30 per adult& $15 per ankle-biter available from Tallyho & Ring Ring or on-the-door. Come and have fun on Saturday as well as Monday.

This week’s lyrics “unchained melody”; sing-along with Godfather and Obama

Tallyho and toodle pip