Thursday, December 22, 2016

Hash Trash 1860

The Hash was hosted by AC/DC and Slim Shady at the Tokelau outpost in Moamoa. A hot and extremely muggy day for a run, so when the Hashers had assembled, AC/DC announced what he called a maze run (loose translation: I was too lazy to set a run), into his bush. This involved following AC/DC around the neighbourhood while he carried his son, pursued by his nephew. As we were all bedecked in the Moana theme of the run, this was perhaps a blessing given the mugginess. Your Scribe was basically wearing a massive coconut frond skirt. The run went out of the compound and into the bush, not AC/DCs, then navigated around the fence, past the little bacons that were squealing in fear, down to the road, and up the neighbour’s track, much to their bemusement. Some Hashers went for an extra trot but others had enough, looking forward to the keg. But horror of horrors – it was Taula! This was going to be hard in the circle.

POD was GM as usual, and called the newbies into the circle. This was AC/DC’s nephew Delino. The retreads were Sassygirl BJ (looking for a husband), Prue (holiday), Eveready (mechanical tune-up), AC/DCs future brother in law, plus AC/DC for lack of instructions on the names. Shoe Inspector Nom Nom failed.

Celebrity Awards went to Sunny Side Up (author of story about Clark), Godfather (for feeling up Ms South Pacific), and Cockblocker for Snatched (in paper).

This Day In History Awards went to Nom Nom (1892 – Premiere performance of The Nutcracker by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky in Saint Petersburg, Russia), Godfather (1970 – Soviet spacecraft Venera 7 successfully lands on Venus. It is the first successful soft landing on another planet), Lewinsky (1998 – President Bill Clinton is impeached by the United States House of Representatives over the Lewinsky scandal, becoming the second President of the United States to be impeached), Eveready (International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers) and Poumuli (International Migrants Day).

The GM had a Facebook Award for the World’s Proudest Grandma (Sassy), joined by proud Grandpa Eveready, as well as Slim Shady who was dressed as a mad Grandma.

During the Christmas Run, AC/DC had been so tired from the running that he could not utter the “Heigh Ho”, only Ho, so he got a Ho Award. Godfather had missed Hash so he could go to the Parker fight, but all who had watched had been unable to spot him. Dismissing claims that he had been elsewhere, the GM declared this an Avoiding Celebrity Awards Award, as there had been another Tuatagaloa on the TV.

Finally the GM nominated Slim Shady, proprietor of her own biosphere, for having an amulet from Moana, and for trying to nominate Snake after she saw a snake in the grass. He joined her.
Slim Shady started the nominations with one for Poumuli. She had been chatting about the visitors from Norway who had brought him fish balls and sauerkraut – much to Wahoo’s distinct lack of enthusiasm. For Poor Choice in Requests Award, she joined Poumuli for her pervasive and intense interest in all things testicular.

Sassy then nominated the good looking youths from Tokelau, followed by a complaint from Eveready about the supply of gas for the BBQ on Christmas Hash. This was followed by a long explanation from Lewinsky, supposedly in his defence, that turned into an FBI Award. For the revelation that there is apparently a gas powered vibrator in their compound, Karaoke joined him.

StrapOn had been at Black Swan’s farewell, and had been shook rigid by a Hash Mere displaying her wares right in front of him and Mrs Strap. Godfather was immediately proud of him. The displayer, Gagging Diva, sought to extract herself from this, but when Lewinsky corroborated the sequence of events, the GM decided that both should take the Boobgazing Award, joined by Lewinsky for being a prick.

Poumuli had noted that one of the Happies had been getting progressively pinker due to the cheap colouring on her Moana feathers, and nominated POD for Child Abuse, joined by the Ginger Chicken who more aptly demonstrated colour fastness.

Godfather launched himself into a long, and in all likelihood made-up story about his sojourn in Nadi, and his encounter with the ladies of the night there. He claimed that he had asked if there was a discount if he had been recommended by his friends, and named Cockblocker (50% discount) and Poumuli (only 30% discount).

Godfather also challenged the Hash to attend the 2018 Interhash in Nadi, Fiji and called for Mismanagement to look into hosting Interhash in 2020.

Eveready thanked the Hash for the best wishes, messages and prayers for his trip down South to have his mechanics looked at. The upholstery may be worn, but the engine is working well – Eveready is back!

We then saluted the Hosts and the Hares, and accepted AC/DCs apologies for cancelling hosting twice with his offer of an immense amount of food.

Next week is Boxing Day, so run is likely to be set on a beach somewhere. Watch emails or the blog for any news.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, December 19, 2016

Hash Run 1860

Tonight's run will be hosted by Slim Shady and AC/DC at the Tokelau compound in Moamoa. From the airport road, turn left at the electrical supply company. Head down the road until you see the Talanoa Fales sign then turn right. The compound is just past the small bridge.
Run starts at 1800 or 6 PM, so bring your 20 tala Hash Cash.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Hash Trash 1859

The Hash was hosted by Do Me Twice, Babyblocker, Greg and Chez at Moamoa. There were several difficulties in finding the place, and the run being set on paper was a wet slog after the massive rain. We went down the trail from the house and on to the road, leading down to the Tokelau compound. It was obviously a false trail, but we thought maybe something had been found – alas with a huge grin AC/DC stood by the huge paper cross, the bastard. We went back on to the Moamoa road, and followed it around, chased by snarling dogs. We couldn’t find the trail after a bit, so we used the old AC/DC trail.

POD was our GM as usual, and there were none new to the Hash. The retreads were DMT (bad virus), Clark, Tall Story (or Erectus Maximus), and Chez. Nom Nom had to take one for being called Numb Nuts by Clark.

Shoe Inspector Silent But Deadly failed. We also greeted latecumming retreads Cockblocker and Curly. CB had another one for making us start the run late.

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (closest living relative Prince), Lewinsky (his godfather was in the paper at the Parker fight) and Nom Nom (photo with Oz Minister and the PM). Clark was added in for again calling him Numb Nuts.

This Day in History Awards went to Cockblocker (1642 – Abel Tasman reaches New Zealand), Snake (1907 – The worst night of the Brown Dog riots in London, when 1,000 medical students clash with 400 police officers over the existence of a memorial for animals that have been vivisected), Witch Doctor (1911 – Roald Amundsen's team, comprising himself, Olav Bjaaland, Helmer Hanssen, Sverre Hassel, and Oscar Wisting, becomes the first to reach the South Pole), Silent But Deadly (2008 – Muntadhar al-Zaidi throws his shoes at then-U.S. President George W. Bush during a press conference in Baghdad, Iraq – presumably to get him to drink from it – shoe  inspector fail), Lewinsky (Human Rights Day and International Monkey Day).

The GM’s awards started with Pusiapa for flashing her students as a farewell, followed by a Fail Award to Curly for the trail and CB for not helping out.  Pusiapa had also been yawning and hiccupping, and admitted having taken shots with a priest. Lewinsky was added for inaudible reasons.
StrapOn was nominated for not wearing a strap on, as well as Sunny Side Up for calling him an impossonator. On the run, we had gone through a vicious dog area, and StrapOn had kindly waited to ensure that all got through. Poumuli was the last, yet he managed to silence the dogs. He got a Dog Whisperer Award, joined by StrapOn for Smelling Like A Bitch’s Ass.

Also on the run, Lewinsky had displayed undue athleticism by suggesting the pack run over the river to reacquire the trail. The GM then turned to Tall Story, who is an avid landscape gardener, but not a decorator, hence the GM’s dismay at the display of a rat trap, saw and a Rabitohs sign.
The big news of course was the Parker-Ruiz fight, so Clark repped Parker, Venom repped Ruiz, and Prince the dismal head of NZ Boxing. In relation to the fight, StrapOn had been invited to Lewinsky’s, but the moment he sat down the TV broke – some sort of PMP reaction. Poumuli had to join him for being a Sony shareholder!

Pusiapa had gone to SBD’s matai title ceremony, and had been asked repeatedly if she was his wife, sister, wife etc. Anyway Mailo SBD got the award, but his faletua was added in.

Do Me Twice, on setting the run with Curly and Babyblocker, reported that Curly had said they should do this every week. But it turned out they had set the run with Babyblocker on the bonnet! It was agreed that DMT should take this, as well as CB for not preventing it.

The next one involved StrapOn and Pusiapa discussing tattoos and spanking, the result being StrapOn for the spanking and Pusiapa for calling him daddy. DMT then nominated Tall Story for forgetting the gas for the bbq, and making mum go get it, and he was joined by Poumuli for wasting time on a silent but deadly joke.

StrapOn nominated Snake for the after-Hash drinks – he had been pouring from a bottle and nothing was coming out, but the cap was on. Not Coming Award.

Nom Nom our Hareraiser, noted that he relies on good clear directions from the hosts, and in this case it was an abject failure by DMT. However since a correction had been forwarded by the GM, Nom Nom joined her.

We then farewelled Pusiapa with the Hash Anthem, and saluted the Hosts and Hares.

No host yet for next week so watch the blog or FB posts.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1858 – Christmas Hash

The Christmas Hash was hosted by Snake and Fang at the Snakepit in town. There was a good turnout and we went jogging and carolling after StrapOn’s converted Santa’s Truck, with Cougar acting as Santa. We first stopped at the alleyway by the old Sydneyside, then on to Amanaki, then On the Rocks, followed by Paddles. On home to the Snakepit.

POD was GM as usual, and called the newbies into the circle. These were Kendall and Michael from Oz and Maria from Germany (hospital volunteer). The retreads were too numerous to recount their excuses, but were Twin Peaks (dog sitting), Snakebite and Venom (in NZ), BB (trying to be Moana), Poumuli (in Marrakech), Slim Shady (getting a Brazilian), Wahoo (in San Francisco), Transporter (making mommy happy), Fang, Anita, Da Head, Pussysnatcher and Cupless.
Shoe Inspector Pusiapa was appointed and failed.

This Day in History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1918 – The Kingdom of Iceland becomes a sovereign state, yet remains a part of the Danish kingdom – blatant theft from Norway), BB (Feast Day of St Bibiana), Crash Bandicoot (Feast Day of St Francis), and AC/DC (World Soil Day).
Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (for NOT being in the paper), Transporter and Prince (for being in the Pound 4 Pound)  and Sunny Side Up.

The GM started her awards with congratulating Ms Fiji for the Ms South Pacific title, so this went to Crash, and the visiting Ms Fiji BB. A late retread went to Suzanne who had been suffering the heat at the start of the circle.

Nominations from the run included Godfather for causing accidents (too much interest in girl in short skirt), Nom Nom and Captain Mortein for racing. Lewinsky added in Cupless for tripping up Little Crash Pinto, but also included Cougar and Lewinsky for uncharacteristically spotting poor parenting.
Slim Shady nominated Poumuli for booking his female boss into a brothel in Marrakech. Meg nominated Il Capo for eating a candy cake that she took from a small child, with Lewinsky added in for not stealing from the child also.

Twin Peaks had been away for 12 months and had expected at least some upgrades to Cocktails on the Rocks, but there had been none. Lewinsky countered that he was a prick for saying that, which swayed the crowd. Fang then nominated BB for something that also ended up including Swinger.
Poumuli nominated Slim Shady for drinking all his beer and eating all the food at a picnic, while Nom Nom had tried to get Happy Face a vai kipolo, to find that she thought it was a beer. Noms felt that this was all down to bad parenting, but had to join the parents.

Pusiapa had gone on a trip to the waterfall and apparently Black Swan and StrapOn had dived in – in the buff. Both got the Streakers Award. Then the Mad Monk of Apia Hash arrived, in order to name two people of the Hash. Kieran assumed the position and will henceforth be known as Silent But Deadly.

Then Meg assumed the position, and will henceforth be known as Gagging Diva.

StrapOn had received a puzzling text message last week, stating the sender’s love for him, and that she would miss his sweet ass, but then Ms StrapOn saw the message – Pusiapa for Reckless Endangerment Award.

Black Swan nominated a whole bunch of people for the International Day of Volunteers. Lewinsky nominated Kiwi for advertising Stihl, even though he no longer works for Gold Star. There was then another confusing moment involving Lewinsky, Prince, Transporter that led to numerous down downs.

StrapOn nominated Swinger for not picking up BB from arrivals from Fiji, but this backfired as the flight had been an hour early. Then there was a convoluted story of how Il Capo had been fanning herself in a certain manner, basically also getting a blow job from StrapOn, but Il Capo got it.
We then turned to the Prick and Tit of the Year Awards, and the GM having scrolled through the Hash Trash nominated the following Pricks – Bad Investment – closest living relative Swinger; Cockblocker for bad parenting; Lewinsky – no explanation needed; StrapOn for secret WikiLeaks; Snake for never doing enough; Lewinsky for no beer. Prick of the Year went to Swinger!

For Tit of the Year there was Loose Lips for bad bad texting; Pusiapa for mimicking bad texter; and Il Capo for drunk and disorderly bride who cant keep tits to herself. Tit of the Year went to Il Capo!
Finally, for the best run of the year, the most unique, went to Slim Shady for the garbage patrol up Mt Vaea. She also added in Mismanagement – Nom Nom, Poumuli, Pusiapa, StrapOn, Titty Galore, Cougar, Godfather and Prince.

We then celebrated what may be our last run from the Snakepit with a boat race for the hosts – which Venom won. We also farewelled Black Swan and Cupless with the Hash Anthem.
We then had a fantastic Christmas feast thanks to Naval Base.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Hash Trash 1856

Twas a warm and balmy night as the hashers made their way up to El Capo and Angry Birds mansion near the top of the hill.  It was a clear night, so the view from the deck was clear and many had fun pointing out (arguing) about different sites in Apia….  Panic almost struck --- it was 6pm and THERE WAS NO BEER….. thankfully – due to Lewinsky and Nom Nom showing the way, the Vailima made  home safe….
There were quite a number of re-treads this week…. Including a return from the short short wearing kiwi himself – HOT NUTS! (who wears short shorts ---- Hotnuts wears short shorts!). Others included Slim Shady who had been bula’ing it up in Fiji, Pavarotti who was a Hasher between 04-07 and was very excited to be back.  DMT and her Mum came along as well as Nelson who had apparently been ‘off massaging’ – who we would like to know.  Prince scored himself a down down for someone not using his correct name.
Newbies for the evening included Meg’s best best best friend in the whole world (The guy at Karaoke couldn’t say Dian’s name), Cunning’s friend and also a new playmate, err.. sorry! Housemate for Nom Nom’s   big yellow house – Mark.
Shoe inspector Malu, did a tremendous job, and quickly found Witch Doctor to be in ownership of some brand new (lovely) shoes.
Only two celebs this week – Slim Shady for being in the paper – Don’t forget the ‘Orange fun run’ on Friday at 6.30 outside the STA Fale.  Rachel was on the front page of the observer this week, but as she was not there, her bumchum Prue, took the down down.
There was a ‘sneaky snake’ award given to Godfather this evening,  fas he tried to dodge a down down.
This Day in History had some unreadable explanations and also some unfamiliar words, however:
in 1636 – something something something….unreadable – Cunning Linguist
1863 – German/Danish war – As Captain Mortein was not there, CB took the down down for his surname…
1965 – Prince something of Norway – Witch doctor
1977 – NZ was to include ‘God Defend New Zealand’ as well as something else – Hot Nuts.
1998 – Lewinsky scandal hit the courts – Lewinsky
Feast Day of St Gregs – Snake
International Student day – Mark
World Toilet Day – Nelson
Transgender day – Kiran for looking the best in his ie faitaga (Too flash for hash)
Exemption for punishment – Crime

GM awards were fast and furious tonight, and began with the GM expressing her shock and concern that Ring Ring had accidently struck fear into her families hearts because she did not tell anyone she was going to Pago. It wasn’t until a few days later when Ring Ring had been MIA for two days and her son had posted a status of Facebook asking if anyone had seen his Mum, that one of her sons friend said ‘Don’t worry bro, I saw her at the airport going to Pago!’.  The next award was to Meg, who’s friend Dian had given her a tour guide rating of 4 out of 5. Dian too was given a down down for being ungreatful as who doesn’t want to spend their afternoon whilst on holiday making garlic bread for hungry hungry hashers?.  Hotnuts was in the firing line next – and although initially was given a down down for purchasing a new home gym which takes up a lot of space – that he never uses because he’d rather go to the gym and watch all the ‘hot girls’. It was at this point that Hot nuts and Snake were caught ‘discussing hot girls’ mid circle – and both earned a down down for being dirty old me – (typical hash men?).  Meg was nominated again for admitting that she has bad thoughts 27/7 or bad ideas, but when she’s asked about them for down down purposes  fails to remember.  Speaking of failing to rememeber, Kiran too got lumped with a down down for not being able to remember the reasons or amount of down downs the previous week.
The floor was then opened for group nominations.
Pusiapa tried to nail Snake for failure to give good directions, and sending the walkers through dense grassy bushland,  even though he promised her, Malu and Black Swan that the route they’d take was safe.  Pusiapa scored the down down for failure to navigate through bush and Snake too took one for mis-direction. 
Black Pussy was heard to be complaining quite loudly about her name – instant down down.
Pusiapa having missed the previous run, decided to pull out the big guns on her perimeter team, especially El Capo and Kiran for drinking all the ‘team beer’ and an extra one for Kiran for ‘hair pulling’.
CB was nominated for complete mismanagement, where he was found out to have taken women to the beach but neglected to pack any food or drink and was close to running out of fuel –  He was forced to call Swinger for  SOS HELP!
Prue was up next, being nominated for her squeaky ‘OnOn!’ when she saw the paper and was trying to relay the ‘on on’ message to those behind her.  Pavarotti and El Capo had quite the conversation before the run had started, but it took both of them at least 10 minutes to wonder why they were both speaking in English, when both CLEARLY Italian.  Screamer got the hero award , because she has been spotted walking from her house near Scalinis all they way up to Mt Vaea and back down again. Pavarotti gave himself a down down, and said it was for pure gratitude of being back with the Apia Hash aiga. At Godfathers request, he also gave us a demonstration of why he was called Pavarotti and sang part of a beautiful aria – Magnifio, Pavarotti! As previously mentioned, Hotnuts had returnth..with his short shorts in toe… which means – INSTANT DOWN DOWN!

The final nomination was for our beloved GM – POD! For her outstanding organisational skills and speech at the Goshen Trust cheque hand over. Malo to all the Hashers who collected, donated, walked, ran, supported during the Perimeter Relay!
Before the circle closed, it was a final down down for our hosts and hares -  El Capo, Kiran, Meg and Dian.


Hash Trash 1851

This weeks hash was hosted at the prime location of Gayboy’s  parents restaurant near the wharf. Although it was a smaller hash, lots of fun and laughter was still had.

Newbies – Matt (son of Blackswan) , Anne and Rachel (all friends of Blackswan). Black Swan was given a down down for not telling her son about Hash etiquette and allowing him to wear his hat AND glasses whilst in the circle.

Retreads – Kiran claims he’s been working hard – or hardly working, Allesandro had been at home, and Wrongway Roger had been gone for 18 years.

Shoe inspector was a happy hashman this week as he found TWO people with new kicks. Both Wrongway Roger (18 years away wasn’t an excuse) and Trish both drank out of their new shoes.
Celebrities – The entire Hash group who were at Slim Shady’s run the week prior, and a special one for the ‘old decrepit snake’  who had taken the photo.

This day in history:
1931 – All capone was sent to jail – El Capo
There was a civil war at some point in America  - Sunnyside Up
A German shoemaker lead a robber in oil – Crime and Prince (for being a sheik/greasy)

The tightass whinger award – Was given to Gayboy for whinging about how much the cashpower for beer dispenser was going to cost him. For the record it was $1.80. Snake flipped Gayboy a $5 to shut him up.
Swinger was nominated for having a goat? Petting a goat?  Marco Polo got a down down for turning two which was taken by his Dad, Captain Mortein. To celebrate his birthday, Pirate Princess also took a down down for teaching her son to boogie.

Latecummers this week were Crash and Delicious – apparently had been tied up elsewhere before coming to hash. Pusiapa was presented with a down down for not teaching her boys  to come on time to job interviews with Snake and Lewinsky.

Over zealous award was given to Prince for hiking to Lake Lano’to with his stand up paddle board.  We were all disappointed there was no video footage to record this.

A fight had broken out at Cocks on the Rocks which resulted Lewinsky being in a fight with women, Crime ending up with Lewinky’s shirt.  Lewinsky was nominated for lack of security, Witch Doctor was dragged in for cooking the steak that caused the fight and Gayboy too because it was his sister that was the main woman in the fight.
The GM was given a down down for overtaking the hare – and complaining loudly that he wasn’t fast enough. Prue was also given one for ‘being ride behind her’.

Matt had forgotten to take off his hat in the circle -s o he and Black Swan did a double down down together.
Cunning Linguist was given a down down for  groping Trump or was it Trump groping – either way, keep your hands to yourself CL!

Kiran was punished for not replying to messages about upcoming events, Gayboy was brought in for fungus growing in his restaurant and Captain Mortein joined the hash men for making up stories about fluff.

It was time to thank the host and hare – Gayboy and Prince. Rachel was asked to join them as she’d done a marvellous job as bar wench as too was Slim Shady even though she was accused of ‘too much head’. Just before the down downs were taken, Lewinsky piped up with ‘ You gotta make sure you pull it all the way otherwise it doesn’t cum’ .


HASH 1850 – White Sunday (36 Year Milestone)

A very special hash 36 Year milestone! This was hosted by Godfather and Titty G down at Coconuts beach. A sunny, beautiful and glorious day – Until the run began and it started to rain a little… as pointed out by a certain Hashman ‘nothing better than watching the Hash Meres get wet…’.
New Hashers for the week included:  A (not so wee) leprechaun called Martin (Meg’s lover boy). Kat (Nom Nom), Andrew, Olivia and Uta all brought by Godfather.

Retreads were plentiful this week -  Stella, who was in the Hash back in the 90s, Granny Smith who had been MIA for 2.5 years,  Mona  had been taking night classes for University, Matt was lost in Europe  but has been dragged back to Samoa to marry the wife. Cupless – had no excuses, Robert had been in Switzerland and Frederick had been running amok on the south side of the island.
Celebs – Sassygirl for being in the paper, Swinger and El Capo took one for Angry Bird.
Cunning Linguist was spotted taking his down down with a hat on, which had been passed over by El Capo. Tut tut tut!

The shoe inspector did well this week, both Mona and Swinger took turns at drinking their Vailima out of their brand new shoes… mmmmm tasty sweat!

There were a lot of whingers out on the run today, and the GM decided punishment must be imminent. It must be noted that it wasn’t just Hash Meres that were whinging, in fact – it was mostly Hashmen --  El Capo, Snake, Captain Mortein,  Snake, Lewinsky.

Running and walking on the hash run is sometimes considered to be an achievement in itself, but this week our new friend Andrew took this achievement to new heights – he wore Thongs (I’m Australian – therefore, I get creative licence to not call them Jandals) for the entire run – however I must concede that the award he was given was the ‘Palagi Jandal’ award.

Godfather is known for being a kind and generous man, however this week he was nominated for ‘severely over preparing’ in preparation for the special run.
Due to some unfriendly creatures in the sea, medical assistance was required following the run. Dr Sneaky Snake and his able assistants Strapon and Cupless were able to assist with the help of a trust knife or two.

There was an impersonator in Apia during the week – it was ROBERT! Actual accusation of what he was doing is unknown.

Nominations were soon to begin – hold onto your running shoes peeps, there are quite a few!
1) Lewinsky  - was given the show pony award for holding – and I quote ‘Onto Pod’s ponytail when he goes for a ride’.
2) Titty G scored one for working too hard, but was quickly joined by Godfather for not being happy with her performance and wearing her out too often.
3) Meg and her ‘Irish Prick’ for letting Sassy down in the gym, and creating their own workouts in the bedroom without her.  – Sassy was told to join them for being ‘A green eyed monster’.
4) Cupless gave Karaoke a compliment telling her that she’d lost weight, and Karaoke replied with ‘Oh, you’ve gained weight’. – Both scored a down down.
5) Pusiapa was nominated for sitting down
6) El Capo was given a down down for tripping over a mouse cord and pulling a muscle in her quad, thus impacting on her perimeter training.8
7) Parents award – Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess, Pod, Lewinsky,  and Cupless were all punished with a down down from Sassy due to damages caused to her Fijian lavalava whilst babysitting their children in the water.
8) Vailima Breweries award was giving to Godfather for being a good friend of the board
9) Nom Nom was givien one for breaking his drinking ban – but he claimed ‘It’s a public holiday – it needs a beer!’
10) Sassy got one for perving on Nom Nom and was joined by Prue for helping NomNom look so good with some good ol’ sexercise.
11) Meg was nominated for blowing her own horn on her birthday

To celebrate the 36 Hashing Milestone – Anyone under 36 was required to take a down down – Stand up: Gayboy, Nom Nom, Snakebite, Meg, Prue, Mona, Pirate Princess, Martin, Pusiapa, Kat and Granny Smith.

To celebrate the mismanagement Hash team – Godfather, Titty G, Pod, Nom Nom, Sassy, Lewinsky, Crime and Eveready took a down down together.
Finally, last but not least, a special down down for our amazing GM – POD who to date is the longest standing Hash GM and Godfather noted ‘How proud of her’ he was.

With a  quick rendition of ‘Can’t help falling in love’ it was time to eat and party!


Hash Trash 1849

Hosts tonight were Slim Shady and Strap On – Hare – Slim Shady.  This was a Hash with a difference – the goal was to clean up the areas between Slim Shady’s house on Cross island Road and up and around Mt Vaea.  85.26kg

Newbies for the evening included – Elizabeth and Chris who had been brought by Snake as a ‘legal couple from Australia’, Snake was given the down down however as he did not clearly explain the rules.

Retreads this week included: Swinger for trying to organise his liver transplant, Iron Lady for looking for love in all the wrong places , Titty G for chasing Godfather around, Godfather because Titty G finally caught him, Speedhumper has been cumming and going a lot.

Shoe inspector cunning linguist failed – so was forced to take the down down himself.
Nomations were fast and heavy this week:
- The ‘Climaxing together award’ was presented to El Capo and Speedhumper for climaxing together, and Strap On got one too for ‘Climaxing twice!’.  It was also noted that all the newbies climaxed too.
- Cougar received a down down for talking in the circle and Godfather was also nominated for finding a pair of kids undies…

Went to Lewinsky because he told someone they were going to host Hash, they were all ready but then poor Gayboy told some convoluted story about Pod, a pub and hair pulling.
- CL was nominated for hiding in the bushes after he drank too much niu and was nominated for pulling his pants down and ‘advertising’. This was reported by two shocked Hash Meres.
- Slim Shady was nominated for her ‘22nd Birthday’ and setting us a ‘run to remember’.  Her down down was presented in a giant cock class, which Iron Lady helped her swallow…err drink? She was also given a present from Snake and Fang – vibrating jewels  for he rmini. It was noted it was also Malu’s birthday too.
- Godfather was nominated for emulating Snake – and slinking away to NZ for his 70th birthday! Not a chance Godfather – both he and Mele were presented with three glorious cakes include a giant red bra’s susu cake.

The whole premise of Slim Shady’s run was to collect rubbish – With 33 adults and two children a whopping grand total of 85.26kg was collected!!! MALO LAVA HASH!  


Thursday, October 27, 2016

Hash Trash 1852

The Hash was hosted at Samoa Minigolf in Faleata by Ring Ring, Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess (not Pirate Bay Princess as reported by Nom Nom). It had been a rainy day up top of the island, but was quite sultry down here in the flats. Te run had been set on paper the day before, when indeed it had rained, so it was with some trepidation that we set out for the run. Your Scribe has been suffering from bronchitis and had to fall out of the pack with a coughing attack. But from the map that StrapOn produced it looked like a figure of 8 through Siusega and Faleata. Lovely nuts were on hand after the run.

POD as GM stepped in and convened the circle. There were no newbies, but the retreads were DMT, DMT’s Mum, Mr Whippy, Angry Bird and Poumuli. Cockblocker was brought in later having sought to escape.
Prince was appointed Shoe Inspector and zeroed in on Wahoo’s new shoes.

This Day In History Awards went to Cunning Linguist and Cockblocker (1616 – Dutch sea-captain Dirk Hartog makes second recorded landfall by a European on Australian soil, at the later-named Dirk Hartog Island off the West Australian coast), Il Capo (1990 – Italian prime minister Giulio Andreotti reveals to the Italian parliament the existence of Gladio, the Italian "stay-behind" clandestine paramilitary NATO army, which was implicated in false flag terrorist attacks implicating communists and anarchists as part of the strategy of tension from the late 1960s to early 1980s), Eveready (International Day of the Nacho), Prue and Prince (United Nations Day) and Poumuli (International Day for Climate Change Action).

Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (his Godfather was in the paper), Poumuli (in the paper with China contribution to SPREP), Swinger (double for picture in the paper and congratulatory letter to the Editor).

Turning to the GM’s Awards, the first went to Wahoo for Wife of the Year Award for forgetting their wedding anniversary – it wasn’t until she sat down in church and read the church bulletin that she realised with a start that she had forgotten.

Next up was an award for Lewinsky, all around good guy but apparently an ardent female genitaliarist – he called someone a See You Next Tuesday. Lastly, she called on Il Capo, who having lost her voice, was unable to counter anything.

Opening up for nominations, DMT basically self-nominated by complaining that now she was a radio star there should have been a celebrity award. Since Poumuli doesn’t listen to the radio, for some reason the GM, DMT and Poumuli took this one.
Il Capo, in a stunning display of mime/charades nominated StrapOn for basically misleading her that he was some hot young guy running up Cross Island Road – both of course. Then there were the Hashers who had helped out Pusiapa with her school careers orientation, which went great until someone used her Hash Name – which is now being utilised by 100 giggling boys. Godfather, the culprit, said he was proud of her, hence both took this one.

Lewinsky wanted to nominate Godfather for forgetting to bring his Palolo. Godfather claimed that he had never promised such and hadn’t caught any. Snake tried to intervene, but in the end both Snake and Lewinsky got the Disrespecting Godfather Award.

Angry Bird had seen in the news that Madonna had promised oral sex to anyone who voted for Hillary, noting that Prue is a huge Madonna fan and impersonator. The GM ruled that Cunning Linguist should take this one, and added in Lewinsky when he was overheard asking for said BJ.
Swinger thought it had been a great run, but was disappointed with the large swathes of paperless trail. Before Ring Ring had even entered the circle she was joined by Cockblocker for wrong-naming Swinger. The Dome of Silence was placed on DMT at this point.

This weekend the All Blacks had set a new world record in test wins, so Prince and Black Pussy were rewarded on their behalf. Sunny Side Up nominated Crime as he hadn’t had one yet. The GM was at this point becoming disturbed by the growing fire that had been lit in the corner and requested Captain Mortein to step forward.

In announcement, Godfather asked if there was any interest from walkers to join the Nighthawks team for the Perimeter relay prequel, and also that there would be the Jazz Festival starting at the Marina the night before. He also offered breakfast at Sinalei for the Nighthawks and walkers.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Slim Shady with a Halloween theme, and the week after at Taumeasina. Post-perimeter party will be either hosted by Mr Whippy or Il Capo.

The Hosts and Hare were saluted – Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess, assistant Pusiapa, and Ring 
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, September 26, 2016

Hash Trash 1847

This weeks run was hosted by Captain 'No Beard but i'm going to wave around my scary double hook' Nom Nom, and his buxom wenches Rachel and Prue.  

Many pirates young and old rose to the occasion and got decked out in their finest attire. To ensure nobody had to walk the  plank too early, the hosts provided eye patches for everyone! 

The run was set by the Captain himself, who seemed to have forgotten his compass as he set the trail to the pirate booty on his map, as he left way too many options for the lazier pirates to cheat and get back early. 

Upon return from the run, 'HASH CASH' was called by the wenches POD and Slim Shady. Following presentations by many $50 tala notes (who got paid this week?) The words were quickly changed to 'hand over your booty! Gold bouillons and jewelry happily accepted!' .

The circle began with Admiral Black Swan, as GM and her first mate Pusiapa taking notes as Poumouli our usual scribe was noted to be off pillaging and plundering elsewhere. 

Newbie pirates included  Trish, Matt, Vicki's Mum Mamisita, and Selena (Pirate Lesters better half).
Only Captain Nom Nom scored a downdown as his first mate did not know his Hash name. 

Retreads for the week: Pirate CB, was apparently 'working'. Pirate Kiran had got lost at sea and found himself on the big island of Australia - thanks to some kind mermaids he made his way safely back home. Desperate Housewife  and her daughter 'Beer Wench' claim that living in Fiji had prevented them coming, however they missed everyone so came tonight.  Pirate Lester was on a secret rendezvous.....

Buxom wench Meg was appointed shoe inspector and failed dismally as she was not able to identify anyone to walk the plank, therefore having to do it herself.  

Pirates of the Caribbean stars this week (Celebrities) included
Buxom Wench Sunnyside up, Buxom Wench Witch Doctor for being on the radio, Slim Shady was on the news and Pirate Lewinksy was seen 'tossin' his rocks' in the paper. Pirate Strap On was nominated for an article in the Guardian newspaper about 'dreadlocked strap ons'. 

This day in history:
In 1356 Edward the Black Prince was captured by France, as Prince was too busy with buxom wenches elsewhere, Gayboy took the award for being the closest living relative. The 'full of hot air award' was given to Captain Nom Nom and CB in place of Snake. Wench Il Capo took the award for being the most beautiful wench in Italy, Wench Prue took the downdown to celebrate NZ allowing all wenches to vote. 

Run Nominations: 
Buxom wench Sassy nominated Richard for paying too close attention to Captain Nom Noms navigational skills and being unable to follow directions and 'read the signs'.  Captain Mortein and his first mate Kiran were caught leaning, and Gayboy was forced to walk the plank after bragging about how big and strong his sword was. 

Buxom Wench Slim Shady was nominated for the 'piece of shit award' after neglecting Screamer and forcing her to taxi all the way to the pirate ship dock (airport) by herself.  Buxom Wench DHW was nominated for excessive use, but deemed by the pirate crew as 'good Hase mere behaviour' and was quickly deflected to the Buxom Wench Sassy Girl for being a 'whinging bitch'. 

Buxom wench Rachel was nominated by Slim Shady for the two of them  'entering through the back door' at the fashion show, proving that the girls will do anything for a free show! 

Pirate Cunning Linguist was caught proving he knew how to 'Shiver a girls timbers' and he and Malu were  quickly given the get a room below deck award - come on! There were little pirates present!

Captain Nom Nom was nominated for his small hook, but maintained it was  'all the better to explore the island with'. 

Pirate Lewinsky was given a double - phone award and ungrateful pirate husband as he did not feel the costume that his wife POD was suitable and or good enough for the occasion. Buxom Wench POD was quickly asked to join her knave of a pirate husband for being a 'consummate wife after all'. 

Yet again, Buxom Wench Sassy was again nominated, this time for her obscene physical gestures in front of the little pirates. Don't forget, Sass, if you salute your Captain, it's four fingers, not one. She was quickly joined by Slim Shady for her maestro skills, and Strap On for his pepelo about ''conveniently losing his uke' in the lead up to the hash run. 

Buxom wench Vicki was caught leaning,  and Wench Prue was nominated for her Madonnaesque but excellentl piratey costume - which was followed quickly by a rendition of 'Like a Virign'. 

Buxom wench - Pusiapa was forced to walk the plank for being lazy and not standing up to take notes, even after she claimed she was vertically reading map challenged. 

The final nomination went to CB for living up to his name and cock blocking Gayboy with his own girlfriend.  CB had prevented Gayboy from being able to get some pirate booty on board his ship, because he needed a ride home from the airport. 

A final downdown for our hare and hosts - Captain Nom Nom, Rachel and Prue!


 Pusiapa :) 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Hash Run 1848

Hash this Monday is being hosted by Crash Bandicoot and Cougar at their house in Alafua. Theme as always is 'pink' . Run starts at 6 PM given the daylight savings time absurdity. The GM advised that only the senile amongst us would forget where it was.  

Directions: head out of town towards the airport. Turn left at Lepea to go towards Adrias cakes (AA rentals is on the corner). Go past RLS Primary School approx 250m and take the road on the left immediately after Mauga Folau fast food (it is the small road that joins across to the St Josephs road and comes out at Tommy Scanlans house at the other end). The house is on the right where the Quality Furnishing sign is.

Please bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala and enjoy a good run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Hash Trash 1846

The Hash was hosted by Speedhumper and Aaron at their place in Vaoala. It was a bit complicated to find parking, but we all managed in the end. Speedhumper had stepped in at the last minute to host, so it was a bit organised as normal. The trail had only been set in her head, so she explained the various options to walkers, slowpokes and her own class of runner! Thus the walkers set off towards a dirt trail into the valley, while the runners went down to Bank Street, then up to Lamosa Road, then followed the walkers. The first part was sort of paved, past a herd of cows munching and farting. A rougher track then took over, with the first surprise being a malevolent looking bull, wearing an unattached chain. Into the bush there was a well defined path, most likely trodden by the cows given the amount of bovine excreta around, fertilising well the invasive but nice smelling Hawaiian roses. After some 200 metres the track actually split, and most took the upward path, when we should have gone the other way. The upward path led through some more glades, until a full stop in front of thick bush that we suspected bordered Lamosa. So a potential trail there for the future if we can combat the nasty dogs on Lamosa. On back to the house where the this time varied sized nuts of Godfather were waiting.

Il Capo was volunteered as GM for the evening, and called on the newbies. That was Aaron, brother of Arthur who works at Nafanua. He is a mechanic and has been here a long time. Then there was Malu, guest of Cunning Linguist.

Retreads were Pusiapa (taupo for 46 boys in Oz), Speedhumper and Aaron (busy), Ring Ring (Hawaii), Titty Galore (busy) and Angry Bird (birding). Vikki was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed, even though Nom Nom’s jandals were too big.
Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (in the paper) and Poumuli (for false accusation on Lewinsky see below).

This Day in History Awards went to Speedhumper, Poumuli, Godfather and Eveready (as former marathon runners for 490 BC – Battle of Marathon: The conventionally accepted date for the Battle of Marathon. The Athenians and their Plataean allies, defeat the first Persian invasion force of Greece), Nom Nom (International Literacy Day), Godfather (World Suicide Prevention Day) and Eveready (International Chocolate Day).

Turning to the GM’s Awards, she called forth Lewinsky and StrapOn, and asked if Lewinsky had played with his ball, and then thrown it too hard and away. Conceding the point, the bastards got away with small glasses.

Pusiapa was then awarded for taking 46 Samoan boys to Australia and getting them all back safely, making lots of money for the school. Crime was then awarded for getting lost on the trail, while Nom Nom got the Water Bitch Award for doing the King of Mt Vaea and not running. Finally, the GM rewarded Witch Doctor and Arthur for the best fries ever!
POD nominated Snake for the Sympathy Award, as he always gets excited when Il Capo bends over or rubs herself, but when Rachel comes to Hash she always grabs Prue which sets him no end on edge.

Cunning Linguist wanted to give a Disrespecting the GM Award to the Hash Mere who called out “in English please!”, but because he called her Ling Ling, he got to take it himself. Poumuli then nominated Lewinsky for the Medical Miracle Award, in that when he stopped drinking beer for a month and re-started, he gave himself a yeast infection.

Speedhumper nominated Aaron and Angry Bird for dropping the sausages and then mixing them back in with the rest. Nom Nom gave Crime a Congratulatory Award for paddling to Savaii and then making it back to work at 5. Vikki tried to nominate the two german brothers for angering the bull, but got the names mixed up and took it herself.

Poumuli tried to nominate Lewinsky and was rescued by POD who said he had been on the news. But for Ms Samoa Poumuli had to join, as he is her supervisor at SPREP. POD nominated Il Capo for running Mt Vaea and beating her own record, and then not going into her usual dehydration shock afterwards. Snake commended POD for her most entertaining dobs this evening, but instead took a Sucking Up Award.

Eveready reminded of the anniversary of 11 September, a dark day in US history, and the demise of the Twin Towers. He called for Sunny Side Up to take this one, joined by Latecummer Alex, as well as Angry Bird for some reason.

Cunning Linguist had noted the common fashion theme of several Hash Meres, and ascribed it to identity crisis, as they were all wearing white and black stripes – Pusiapa, Black Swan and Titty Galore got the Dead Zebras Award.

Poumuli then did the Chicken Action Dance for another down down, joined by Pusiapa for leaning.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Nom Nom, Prue, Rachel at somewhere in Apia Park. Note that its International Talk like A Pirate Day. The Assistant Trainee Scribe will be Pusiapa.

The hosts and hare were saluted and then we scarfed sausages.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, September 12, 2016

Hash Run 1846

Talofa Hashers
Tonight's run will be hosted by Speedhumper and Aaron at their place in Vaoala. Take the Cross Island Road up to Vaoala, go past the Shrine of the 3 Hearts on left, and big Mormon Church on the right. Go another 400 meters, then take a small new street on the right. Entrance is just after a big pink house. Park anywhere, the house is the second one in. If you mistakenly turn in on Lamosa Road, then go 200 meters back down Cross Island Road.

While the hosts will put on some BBQ it would be great if we could all bring something to share or cook. Bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala for the keg, and prepare for what may be a serious bush run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, September 09, 2016

Hash Trash 1845 – the return of Tallyho!

The Hash was hosted by AC/DC at the Tokelau compound in Moamoa. A rainy and overcast day it was the perfect day for a run if you like running in a sauna, since the humidity at least locally was over 100%. We nevertheless bravely made our way out on the by now familiar route. Some Hashers decided that going all the way down to the Vaitele road was a bridge too far, and opted for a gentler return that took us past Don Bosco’s and up the familiar dirt trail. Over the surprisingly dry river, it was on home. Godfather was absent, but had sent his ever-shrinking nuts via Coconut Fedex and Poumuli. Thanks to StrapOn for the route of the  run below.

Tallyho, returned for a week, was unanimously elected GM for the night, or ad interim as they say in UN parlance. He congratulated AC/DC for becoming a fine upstanding member of the Tokelau administration, which was also attributed to less beer.

The GM called for the newbies to present themselves, and added a bunch of further request for detailed information from the new lady, Marie, a French medico. When asked what she specialised in, would it be old men, she replied – well what is wrong with you. Replying, well we’ll just have to find out she was given her first down down.

Retreads were Tallyho (been around, came back to check on us), AC/DC (planting), Jessica (with Tallyho?), Gayboy (working. Working what exactly?). Snake was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed – even to observe AC/DC jr.’s new shoes.

This Day in History Awards went to Snake (590 – Consecration of Pope Gregory I (Gregory the Great)), Silver Bullet (1698 – In an effort to Westernize his nobility, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on beards for all men except the clergy and peasantry – this was deemed a fine rule for the Hash), Captain Mortein (1807 – The Royal Navy bombards Copenhagen with fire bombs and phosphorus rockets to prevent Denmark from surrendering its fleet to Napoleon), Lewinsky (1981 – Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women enters into force – he called his wife a bitch after the run), Nom Nom (Flag Day in Australia), Pirate Princess (Random Acts of Kindness Day) and Il Capo (Beyonce’s birthday).

Celebrity Awards went to Prue (for Slim Shady NOT being in the paper), Wahoo (photo claiming to be largest wahoo caught in Fiji), Lewinsky and Witch Doctor (menu at Nafanua), with Poumuli getting an accidental advertising award.

POD opined that we should also mention the 60 year anniversary of St Mary’s and nominated Karaoke for the award, joined by Eveready whose absence from the festivities had caused, erm, greater festivity.

Poumuli nominated Snake for Encouraging Underage Illegality, as Snake had opined that Captain Mortein should have done something nice to Pirate Princess 15 years ago. The GM then nominated StrapOn and Cunning Linguist for their scrambling in the river bed when there was a perfectly useful crossing 10 metres up.

Snake had been disturbed by the arriving Gayboy and his very sticky handshake. The GM advised him that he needed to change hands occasionally to avoid callus formation. The GM was then given a Facebook Celebrity Award by POD.

Sassy thought she had been the first to complete the Colour Run, only to be beat by Il Capo and Screamer. Il Capo explained that she had come late because of Nom Nom and Prue arriving late and hugover, and as they had walked the run they had let her win.

Sassy then nominated Captain Morten for Father of the Week for the several beatings and smackdowns administered on Marco Polo. Heather had been quietly working in her office when a large bang had set off, and nearly resulted in the assassination of her colleague Kerry – the Black Swan strikes again.

Gayboy nominated Prue for not recognising him on a drunken Friday night, but POD and Poumuli also backed this up with further anecdotal evidence.
The Hare and Hosts were saluted, before we sang the Hash Anthem for the departing Silver Bullet and Tallyho.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Ray Charles at AC/DCs place.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, September 05, 2016

Hash Run 1845

Hash is being hosted by ACDC tonight at Moamoa Fou

See you there at 5:30


When heading out of town in the direction of the airport, turn left at the Chanel College Rd (the road opposite AST Taufusi) . Drive up that road a few km. Turn right after the last Ford going to Chanel College (there is a sign for Talanoa Fales on that intersection and a church on the left- if you reach Chanel College you've gone too far!). The house is the first gate to the left after the bridge.

Bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala and enjoy the run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1844

The Hash was hosted by Crash Bandicoot and Cougar at their new house, somewhere between Lotopa and Alafua. A nice day for a run, but your Scribe arrived late so went on his own. But apparently the run was pretty much a tour of the sports complex and fairly lengthy.

POD stepped in as our usual GM, and called the Newbies forward. These were Priya, Ad – medicos, Ephraim from NZ doing GIS with StrapOn. The retreads were Sassygirl BJ (being grandma), Slim Shady (attempting to create life), Heather (drinking in other places).
The GM then asked Rachel if she had explained the Hash Rules to Ephraim, so she got a leaning award shared with StrapOn. Black Swan was appointed Shoe Inspector, and found Ephraim and Crime!

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (twice in paper) and Lewinsky (Clinton dubious photo).
This Day in History Awards went to Black Swan and Heather (1835 – Melbourne is founded), Il Capo (1916 – World War I: Italy declares war on Germany), the Screamers (2006 – Edvard Munch's famous painting The Scream, stolen on August 22, 2004, is recovered in a raid by Norwegian police), Snake and Wahoo (Feast Day of St Gregory), Lewinsky (Feast Day of St Monica of Hippo) and Slim Shady (National Banana Lovers Day).

Starting the GM’s awards, at the start of the run Il Capo had asked Eveready where she could get changed, and he had told her – right here, as he was not wearing glasses. This was deemed a Hero Award, and Godfather was proud of him!

After last week’s run one of the medicos, Mike, and done an Austin Powers by taking all the UK awards on his own, hence another one this week. It was also discovered that Priya had brushed her teeth with Vagisil, and Silver Bullet joined for leaning. The GM then turned on Poumuli, stating that he was a great dog owner, washing the beast at the beach, but a shit father for leaving his daughter Yahoo in the waves. His excuse that she was learning to swim was not accepted.

Since this was another pink run, Nom Nom and Ephraim were invited to a down down for their very special efforts, through their, erm, shirts. The GM then gave a special Cant Follow Instructions Award to Il Capo and the medicos – Jack and Kate took this one.

Opening up for nominations, Sassy nominated two Hash Meres for the Wussy Award for taking the shortest route possible – Black Swan and Sunny Side Up. Eveready was then nominated for making his 6-yr old granddaughter set the trail.

Poumuli made a nomination for the Dedication to Hash Award. He had been told that  Swinger was 
crook and had stayed home, and the Screamer (Fiji version) was similarly crook, but “she had made herself come”. And that was why and how she was at Hash!

Lewinsky nominated Sassy for the Grandma Award, which was a large one. This prompted Poumuli to nominate Lewinsky for the Grandma Abuse Award. Eveready then introduced his visitors Greg and Colin. Something then happened with Crash’s shoes.

Slim Shady had been excited about going to eat at Nafanua, but the place is closed on Tuesdays. Poumuli appealed to Witch Doctor, but this meant she had to join him for the Hero Award. Il Capo had been visited by Alex (the Italian), and he had been a little tipsy, so upon leaving had tried to drive away in her similar looking car. Il Capo joined in the award for Aiding and Abetting.

StrapOn noted that there was such a thing as Go Topless Day, and was sure that Godfather would be in favour of this event, as an ardent supporter of women’s rights to go topless. There was some discussion about whether Slim Shady would make his day, but in the end it was just a down down for the two of them.

The Hosts and Hare – Crash Bandicoot, Cougar and Eveready were saluted, before we brought out Divine’s cake. She was given an extra long birthday song at her request. And then a great feast was had.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, August 29, 2016

Hash Run 1844

Hash tonight is being hosted by Crash Bandicoot and Cougar at their house in Alafua to celebrate Devine's birthday. Theme is 'pretty in pink' . Run starts at 5:30 

Directions: head out of town towards the airport. Turn left at Lepea to go towards Adrias cakes (AA rentals is on the corner). Go past RLS Primary School approx 250m and take the road on the left immediately after Mauga Folau fast food (it is the small road that joins across to the St Josephs road and comes out at Tommy Scanlans house at the other end). The house is on the right where the Quality Furnishing sign is.

Please bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala and enjoy a good run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Hash Trash 1843

And yet again the Hash was gathered at the Nafanua Steakhouse, hosted by Witch Doctor and Vikki, on a very warm day. Inspiring mixed metaphors abounded, so all seriousness aside, the run will be scribed, not televised. With the awfuluality of the heat, the Hashers were rorting to go and get it over with so that nuts could be sucked down. Crime had set the run, so we turned left away from the Police station. The trail went right at ANZ, then crossed over to continue down towards the airport road. With ingenuity born of literacy, POD led the pack as it meandered lonely as a cloud through the Apia streets down to the Vaitele road. Literally the road to nowhere, it goes around the island entirely, which for some seemed to be whence we were headed. Not I, brown cow, the on on sounded, and the pack continued towards the hospital road. Upon being the recipient of great hospitality with another Hash, one Hasher had welcomed a reciprocal visit, during which we would hospitalise you. The trail now turned to Beach Road, and on home.

POD was our GM, and stepped into the tight circle, framed by the necessity to see from the single light, and fear from combustion from the open spitting BBQ flames being manned by Crime. Those new to Apia Hash were summoned first. These were Jarrod, Simon, Kate, Jack and Mike – medicos, Alex (Italian), Marcel and Wim (brought by Cunning Linguist) and Kavon brought by someone named James. Swinger was joined by Silver Bullet (David medico’s childhood Hash name) for cellphonus.

Retreads were Screamer (in Suva), Cunning Linguist (Tokelau), Skunk (NZ) and Angry Bird (chasing birds). Karaoke was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed but passed it on to Snake for poor torch handling.

Celebrity awards went to Godfather (photo of Slim Shady “launching the torpedoes” in the words of Eveready), Cunning Linguist (expose on Tokelau’s eating habits) and Angry Bird (story about him making local birds miffed).

This Day In History Awards went to Witch Doctor (1612 – The trial of the Pendle witches, one of England's most famous witch trials, begins at Lancaster Assizes), Swinger (1770 – James Cook formally claims eastern Australia for Great Britain, naming it New South Wales), one of the medicos (1942 – World War II: Operation Jubilee: The 2nd Canadian Infantry Division leads an amphibious assault by allied forces on Dieppe, France and fails, many Canadians are killed or captured. The operation was intended to develop and try new amphibious landing tactics for the coming full invasion in Normandy), Poumuli and Screamer (2004 – Versions of The Scream and Madonna, two paintings by Edvard Munch, are stolen at gunpoint from a museum in Oslo, Norway) and Cockblocker (World Humanitarian Day).

A Facebook Award to Alcatraz and Son Of The Bitch for the birth of their daughter Sophia Elizabeth – to the Best Man (?) Lewinsky, Prue and Alex for being good swimmers.

Turning to the Olympics, Skunk got a medal for leaning, then for the youngest Olympian – Wahoo for Yahoo, for oldest Olympian winner (with one lung missing) – our prime smoker Crime. For the host Rio, the best Brazilian Wax went to Snake, with a special mention for Sunny Side Up for the dastardly Yank swimmer.

Godfather was asked to step forward for an explanation as to why, being the High Matai of the Hash he was unable to read in Samoan? Apparently he had gone straight into the ladies room. His explanation that at his age he can only read the first four letters of anything, while amusing, did not save him from the award.

The GM had been fishing for dirt before the circle and had asked Captain Mortein who responded that no, he had been a loving caring husband all week. But apparently his definition of this would allow him to swim up to his wife and pee on her, thus a Golden Shower Award. Finally, Prue had some trouble opening the coconut, and when the GM demonstrated and pointed where she should hit, she pummelled the GM’s finger.

Opening up for nominations, Cunning Linguist congratulated Crime for excellent delegation of service. StrapOn nominated Il Capo for getting stung by so many bees on Sunday, yet making it to the run. Poumuli wanted to include Captain Mortein for being derelict in administering the more traditional ant-bee sting method, seeing that he had been rather full of the necessary means to do so. Didn’t work.

Poumuli then nominated Lewinsky. Why spake the GM? Guilty came the cry from the circle.
Angry Bird recounted how he had been babysitting Marco Polo on Sunday and had asked the father if he was allergic to nuts. No no no, until Pirate Princess came running over to stop it from a real disaster. Swinger defended the Captain by mentioning that Angry Bird had lost Leo on the beach.

Cunning Linguist nominated Wim for having hosted many Hash runs in Indonesia but never getting a name, and Marcel for never going to one of them – they are brothers. StrapOn wanted to nominate Godfather for the amazing spread that he and Titty Galore had put on for the Father’s Day Hash. While grateful for the recognition, Godfather pointed out that all Hashes he has been to have had amazing food. Thus StrapOn got the Picking on Godfather Award.

Next week’s run will be at Cougar and Crash Bandicoot’s in Alofua. Watch the blog.
The hosts and hare – Witch Doctor, Vikki and Crime were saluted before we enjoyed a good spread of what Nafanua has to offer.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, August 19, 2016

Hash Run 1843

The Hash will be hosted by Crime at the Nafanua Steakhouse on Beach Road, next to the grumpy old men at On the Rocks. Its a catered BBQ so please just remember your 20 tala for the Hash Cash and keg.

Run starts at 5.30 PM or 17.30.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1842

The Hash was hosted on this glorious Father’s Day by Godfather and Titty Galore at the beach in front of Lupe’s Bar in Siumu. We were all invited out early to enjoy the beach and a swim, and the crowd was significant. Godfather and Swinger had ambled off to set the run, so we started up the driveway to the main road. It was starting to get hot already. We reached the main road, and the trail went up one of the newly cut and covered roads – not. False trail. We then turned left on the main road, for quite a distance. It was by now bloody hot, as we reached the summit by the church in the next village over (sorry the sweat was clouding your Scribe’s vision) – false trail. The trail was reacquired heading through someone’s garden plots and into the forest. Did it get any cooler – no, as there was now no breeze and the humidity had risen. We waded through a river in the mangroves that appeared out of the heat haze, and then we were at the beach. Well, a mile away from our intended beach at Lupe’s anyway. The run along the water’s edge was a bit of a struggle as the tide was coming in. This mean that we had to wade up to our hips to get over the mangrove entrance by Coconuts, and continue along the beach. At Coconuts we took a turn through the woods, before re-entering Lupe’s whence we had come. By now we were so hot we evaporated the ocean when several Hashers jumped in at once. Godfather’s glistening nuts were appreciated by all.

POD as GM called the circle to order, having had to await Lewinsky’s attempts to get the keg flowing. New to Hash were David (med student from London), Mel from Auckland, and Rachel (local yogi). StrapOn and Nom Nom got the first awards because of names. Retreads were Jessica, Swinger, Lowrider, Transporter, Mona, joined by Lewinsky for inefficiency and Cockblocker for names.

Celebrity Awards went to Meg (on TV), Swinger (invasive species story in paper), and Lewinsky for ProBoner (front page photo).

This Day in History Awards went to a German (1248 – The foundation stone of Cologne Cathedral, built to house the relics of the Three Wise Men, is laid. (Construction is eventually completed in 1880.) – German efficiency, eh?), Captain Mortein (1843 – Tivoli Gardens, one of the oldest still intact amusement parks in the world, opens in Copenhagen, Denmark), StrapOn (1858 – U.S. President James Buchanan inaugurates the new transatlantic telegraph cable by exchanging greetings with Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom. However, a weak signal forces a shutdown of the service in a few weeks), Swinger (1916 – The Migratory Bird Treaty between Canada and the United States signed), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: US President Bill Clinton admits in taped testimony that he had an "improper physical relationship" with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. On the same day he admits before the nation that he "misled people" about the relationship), and Poumuli for Wahoo (International Lefthanders Day).

Prince was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed. The GM then nominated Il Capo for living up to Hash name, as there had never been 7 Italians in the vicinity of Hash before. This was doubled for accoutrements – sunglasses.

Speaking of Italians, she called on the parents of Marco Polo who had been flirting with Sara – Pirate Princess took this one. A Parenting Award also went to Robert’s parents, Transporter and Lowrider, for bringing him to Hash and for his first saltwater swim. Rachel then got the Dome Of Silence for talking too much.

Sunny Side Up nominated Crime for the Heroes Award for his role in stopping the house fire on Beach Road. Godfather was proud of him. The GM wanted to give a Phelps Award for the prolific number of medals. She started off with Lewinsky, who swims, but settled on David for being a look-alike. Transporter joined for looking like young medallist Schooling.

Swinger nominated Crash for the Fiji 7s Award. Nom Nom then wanted to nominate Rachel for removing the Dome, but since David and Mel had not brought running gear, were on antibiotics, this one went to Nom Nom for not explaining the rules.

The GM had been digging for dirt, and had discovered that Black Swan had been out very late, there was something about Meg in rollers, and Jessica locking her out – no further information. Eveready was caught leaning.

StrapOn nominated CB for the fastest runner in the awful heat – or was it awful CB in the running heat? Meg nominated the Father’s Day Award for the Hasher with the most kids – Crime and Godfather.

We saluted the Hosts and Hares – Godfather, Titty Galore and Swinger, before descending on a scrumptious feast.

Next week will be hosted by Crime at Nafanua for BYO BBQ.
The week after will be hosted by Crash, and the week after by AC/DC.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, August 12, 2016

Hash Run 1842 - Father's Day @ Lupe's

Top of the morning Hashers
This is the long Father's Day weekend and Monday's run will be hosted by Godfather and Titty Galore at Lupe's on the South side. Take the Cross Island Road, all the way over. When you get to the four corners, turn right, go past Sinalei and the turn off will be on the left shortly thereafter, and it is the entrance for Coconuts resort. When you get to the fork in the road where the Coconuts resort starts, veer left into Lupe's.
It will be 10 tala per car. Do bring some salads or food to share.

Run will start at 2 PM, or 1400 hours, but do come early to enjoy the beach.

On On and Go Fiji Go!

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1841

And as the prodigal son also returned, so upon us returneth the prodigal snake. As with so many of his recent visits he prodigiously and generously hosted the Hash at Snakepit 1, with Fang, amidst the detritus of moving out. The Hashers were directed to go whence the petrol station fumes at the corner, and this would turn out to be the more delightful of scents encountered on the run. As we moved down the rocky path, we recalled with gutsy woe the many woeful paths that Snake had led us down in the past. The breathtaking miasma of fumes that greeted us around the corner from the burned down warehouse soon put paid to any nostalgia. Around this stinking pile of malodorous sepsis we headed straight up to the Vaitele road, and followed the trail to the left. At the corner of the Hospital road we heard a hissing yell that it was on back. This led us to a small cut in the bushes, into a swampy mosquito filled warren of muck. Up and out of this stygian armpit it was up the Palisi road towards the Prayer House, but thankfully turning down for the on home towards the clock tower. It took many a nut from Godfather’s bountiful supply to rinse away the sheer pong of the run.

POD stood up as GM as usual. Calling the circle to order, and ordered those new to Hash to step forward. There was Prue who works at the UN and had googled us. Then there was Moana from NZ who had been brought by someone called Daz. Nom Nom took a first.

Retreads were Poumuli (Casablanca and Christchurch), Hot Nuts (not yet retired), Il Capo (biorap), Kieran (Savaii), Sunny Side Up (jolly somewhere), Cockblocker (biorap) and Titty Galore (resting). Wahoo missed her retread so was given a large one with balls. Shoe Inspector Pusiapa failed.

This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (1030 – Ladejarl-Fairhair succession wars: Battle of Stiklestad: King Olaf II fights and dies trying to regain his Norwegian throne from the Danes. In 1031 – Olaf II of Norway is canonized as Saint Olaf by Grimketel, the English Bishop of Selsey), Godfather for Swinger (1800 – The Acts of Union 1800 are passed which merge the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Kingdom of Ireland into the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland), Moana (1860 – The Second Maori War begins in New Zealand), Lewinsky (1973 – Monica Lewinsky’s birthday), Slim Shady (2014 – Convention on preventing and combating violence against women and domestic violence entered into force) and Nettie (International Beer Day).

Celebrity awards went to Titty Galore for Spellcheck (in paper), Slim Shady (in the paper), Wahoo (on TV) and Lewinsky for the below:

The GM pointed out that there had been no celebrity award for the Tongan flag bearer, who apparently broke the internet. She selected CB as the greasiest hasher, Mr Whippy for his sheen and for oiling boys, Meg. On the Rio theme, the GM congratulated Snake for bringing Rio to hash, with Zika swamps and polluted waters. She also called up relative of Samoan sprinter Jeremy Dobson, Titty Galore, and for slow swimmer Brandon Schuster – Heather.

We also had the Super Rugby finals, and for traitorous behaviour, Lewinsky had been cheering for the Lions, the ICE was brought out. Lewinsky had to sit there as Godfather slowed down the song to a crawl. Opening up for nominations, Sassy nominated Hot Nuts for being an awesome Hashman, as she had been getting repeated messages from Nutcracker to keep him out of trouble. Hot Nuts tried the defence that he had a reputation to uphold, so Godfather did the song slowly again, much to Lewinsky’s shrinkage. He was eventually allowed off the ice, but a ball was observed rolling away.
Back to the game, Crime was awarded for sticking with his team, and Godfather for having attended Victoria Uni in Wellington. Karaoke had baked a cake for a Hens Night, in the shape of a massive penis, and had such merriment that she had given lots of advice to the ladies present on topics such as ball balancing.

Il Capo nominated Strap On for the brilliant party he had thrown for his daughter, complete with water slide, but he had forbidden the adults from sliding. Sassy then nominated Sunny Side Up for finally getting her boat back. Poumuli wanted to nominate Slim Shady for allowing her puppy to be nearly eaten by Murdoch, but she countered that Poumuli had exposed himself. In fact Il Capo’s daughter had yanked his shorts down. In the end all the beach revellers – including Wahoo, Sean and Nettie took the down down.

Prue got a down down for trying to pick up a married republican Yank, and Sassy nominated Screamer for streaming past Sean and Godfather. Black Swan got a hasherlike behaviour for being at the Melbourne Olympics.

The hosts and hare – Snake, Fang, guests Fred and Yvonne, Mike, Morena and Lee were saluted.

Next week is Father’s Day so Godfather will host at Lupe’s. Run will start at 2 PM.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit