Friday, April 22, 2016

Hash Run 1826

Talofa all
Monday's run will be hosted by Eveready and Karaoke at their place in Lotopa. Take the Vaitele road towards the airport, turn left at the traffic light after the giant Mormon temple. You will see Adria's Cakes on the left after some 300 metres, take the immediate left after the shop and the house is at the end of the drive.

Your Scribe will be absent, so please we need a volunteer.

The theme will be PINK.

Run starts at 5.30 PM, bring your 20 tala Hash Cash

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1825

The Hash was hosted by Snake and Fang at Snakepit 1 in Saleufi on a rainy day, although by the time we were ready this had abated and we were in for a cool run. We were led straight out the gate – and into the parking lot. There awaited Vernon with a giant dump truck. We required a ladder to climb in. We drove about a bit aimlessly, then he suddenly turned and parked by the new hardware store opposite Mr Burger. While getting into the truck had been relatively easy, the ungainly procession that descended was anything but elegant. Covered with cement dust we gathered that the run was going up the road between Apoula and Palisi. This was basically straight up. Many fell behind, which was fortunate for them, as there was a false trail all the way up to the Prayer House. We set off back down the hill through the Palisi  Bronx, and as we crossed the Vaitele road, we were led on a path through the fales there. Numerous barking dogs attacked but Venom and Snakebite were vigilant defenders of the Hash Meres (apple, tree, don’t fall far etc). As we emerged from this urban semi-jungle it was opposite SMI and on home past the Market and Lucky’s. Some angel had procured nuts in Godfather’s absence which were heavenly.

POD as GM called the circle to order. There were no newbies, but several retreads. Snakebite and Venom had been to school, Soprano had no excuse, Karaoke and Eveready had been babysitting Crash, Kat had been doing something athletic, Mona was too lazy, Kuching Puti was stuck in front of a computer, while Lewinsky had been to a nunnery.

The Shoe Inspector quickly identified Kat and ProBoner as having new shoes, which were quickly filled but slowly drunk from. Hot Nuts opined that Hashers shouldn’t wear Nikes as these were too water/beer tight. This was deemed denigratory as neither wore Nikes, thus Hot Nuts was the first to get the Nipple Cup.

This Day in History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1080 – The King of Denmark, Harald III dies and is succeeded by Canute IV, who would later be the first Dane to be canonized – and we know there aren’t too many saints there), Nom Nom (1770 – Captain James Cook, still holding the rank of lieutenant, sights the eastern coast of what is now Australia), Cunning Linguist (1782 – John Adams secures the Dutch Republic's recognition of the United States as an independent government. The house which he had purchased in The Hague, Netherlands becomes the first American embassy – indeed caused by cunning linguistics), Il Capo (International Day for Monuments and Sites) and POD (Feast Day of St Isabella).

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (photo with distinguished ladies), Nom Nom and Kat (athletic photo), Alex and Wahoo as closest living relatives, and Crime (crimeheadline).

The GM then gave the Extraordinary Woman Award to ProBoner for coming 3rd in the recent ladies challenge. This prompted Poumuli to bring forward that fact that US newspaper the Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'. The requirements for the week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the  Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
 Third place:
 There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

 Second place:
 Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:
 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

Cunning Linguist nominated Kat for making an obscene gesture in the circle, and her down down was accompanied by a jello shot. Latecummers Dawn Raid and Marcus also got a shot.
Shitbags wanted to bring up the Sneaky Award, and requested that this be given to Witch Doctor for sneaking in with the runners and making it look like she had been on the run. She countered that she had been supporting the runners and giving them high fives, thus this boomeranged as a Full of Shitbags Award.

Alex, on the run had picked up a weird sort of cone, a sort of pine, of the genus pinus, and recounted how Il Capo, in front of her whole class, had pronounced pinus with an e. Dick Award to Il Capo but the shot went to Alex.

Slim Shady asked that we commemorate the passing of Black Box, and all those who went to his service did a down down. RIL Black Box, we will miss you.

Hot Nuts had been approached by Eveready at the service and been asked if he had been deputy GM at some stage, which he had, so Eveready had made him do the valedictory on behalf of the Hash. There was some back and forth on this, but in the end only Hot Nuts got the DPM Award for not even realising the DPM was present.

Slim Shady’s dad had told her that there had been a palagi man at the door with a book for her. When asking for more details, he said, he was palagi, and he was a man, and he had a book. This apparently was  Dawn Raid, and he still hasn’t given her the book. On this note Poumuli noted that he had lent a book to Snake 6 years ago, and he still hadn’t returned it.

Il Capo had been unable to open her coconut and had been assisted by Witch Doctor, who cracked it on her knee with such force that it flew everywhere. This award went to Shitbags for some reason.
Soprano had been enjoying the run, especially with 3 Hash Meres in front, chatting and blocking the road, totally oblivious to the fact that they made a taxi stop. POD pointed out that Kuching Puit is Bahasa for white pussy, and Samoan taxis will always stop for that. Poumuli added that they also would always stop for wet pussy. Thus Jill, Kat, Kuching Puti and Wet Pussy took this award.

Nom Nom nominated his friend James, who while preparing for ½ Marathon had been sleeping in a fale, and had stood up in such a fashion as to brain himself on the fale post. POD then nominated Hot Nuts for resisting the urge to wipe dust from various  butts, but since he is now 60 we gave him the Birthday Award instead.

Latecummers Crash and Cougar had some excuse, so Karaoke took this for them in the Crotch Glass which she drank from fondlingly. The GM got an award for getting her trip to Savaii wrong, joined by Eveready for his new effervescent running outfit.

Next week its at Lotopa at the Eveready and Karaoke place.

We saluted the hosts, and feasted on venison, rabbit, goat and a whole pig.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, April 18, 2016

Hash Run 1825

Greetings Hashers
The Hash will be hosted by Snake and Fang at Snakepit 1 in town. From Beach Road turn left at the clock tower, go past the lights at McDonalds, then its in on the left after 100 meters, between Leung Wai Arcade and Rimoni store.
Run starts at 5.30 PM so bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala for this catered event

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Hash Trash 1824

Our usual scribe Poumuli had gone AWOL but not before appointing yours truly as his deputy-assistant scribe – an undemocratic decision surely warranting a downdown next time, see below.

About 11 hardy pairs of soles turned up at Cocktails On The Rocks at the end of a very rainy day. Live hare Nom Nom took us to the lower slopes of Palisi for which among runners the term sado-masochism emerged: a topic in which P.O.D. showed a more than fleeting interest - inviting C.L. to display his encyclopaedic knowledge on the subject of pain (sados like to give and masos like to take it ;-). To his own relief, Swinger unsuccessfully tried to persuade the bunch to seek higher ground up Palisi. And so a lesser loop was completed in a total frontrunners’ time (less hash holds) of a mere (i.e. merely) 26 minutes and 25 seconds according to this cunning numerologist.

Our number was boosted by several non-running extras who helped attack the leftover keg of the previous day (at Godfather’s house, celebrating Lewinsky’s birthday and Snake’s survival of last week’s diesel tank disaster). Hash cash was successfully transmuted into pizza pieces at the suggestion of P.O.D. who hastily exited for good reason.

On forming the hash circle, C.L.’s status as scribe was disputed by Swinger and the yet-to-be-named Alex, both in an effort to duck out of being appointed G.M.: the latter did not succeed in this and our Grand Mistress took us very competently through the usual rituals. Swinger was on glass-filling duty but remained unfulfilled himself as he had a long drive ahead.

Newcomer James from Melbourne stated his intentions to run the Savaii half marathon on Saturday: this must have been on his mind when unwittingly overtaking the live hare at high speed, which of course earnt him a downdown. Retreads Octopussy, Swinger, Tom plus convinced non-runner David M paid their price for turning up again. Shoe inspector C.L. took the usual penalty for being unsuccessful in finding new shoes to be drunk from.

A day in history was dominated by the fact that Iowa was in 1921 the first entity (state) to raise a tax on smoking, which cost all the smokers present: Witchdoctor, WetPussy, Crime, Vicky (did DavidM escape this one I wonder). In 1814 Napoleon was sent in exile to Elba which island was proudly claimed by Il Capo as being Italian. 1721 saw the birth of Moravian missionary Zeisberger whose Dutch connection was claimed by C.L. for several valid reasons.

Noted celebrities were Nom Nom and P.O.D., the downdown for the latter taken by Snake who was perhaps not mentioned by name but surely featured extensively in the media as lucky survivor of the recent fire.

Shitbags reported back on his research on last week’s dispute between Cupless and C.L. He confirmed that drinking any 1 gram of alcohol results in an intake of 7 calories - thus busting the myth that there are none in whiskey. The good news about all this is that Shitbags’ source was a health magazine that stated you don’t have to give up booze if you want to live a healthy lives style, so we all took a sip to that. Penalty for Cupless unresolved, possibly a whiskey downdown next time? Unfairly C.L. was given a downdown instead, which visitor James gallantly took care of. It was noted that under some obscure hash rule only a mere was allowed to take a downdown for a hashman – C.L.’s  assurance that he would happily apply that immediately to a next round fell surprisingly flat.
Nominations from the floor resulted in a downdown to Snake – for fire survival – and to Tom for lack of telepathy as he had turned up at Palusami last week despite the area being evacuated. Illegible notes left unresolved whether Crime and/or anyone else got another downdown at this time: clearly your scribe was starting to be affected by some. This was not helped by the next round for all hashmen and meres who were to participate in Saturday’s half-marathon or 10km run in Savaii: Gill, Alex, Nom Nom, James and C.L. Barely legible notes (but by then who gives a s… anyway) record a geriatric award for Shitbags, for falling asleep in his chair with a beer on his lap at Godfather's the day before.

In the interest of “non-exclusion” (heaven knows why), further downdowns were had by Snake, Vicky, Nom Nom and Octopussy. The hosts and hare – G.M., Snake and Nom Nom - were thanked the usual way. Despite the absence of Godfather and his ukulele (Swinger, step up!) a valiant effort by the hash choir was made to out-noise the pub music with a short version of “Wise men say” and then it was pizza time.

The next hash is to be held at Snakepit (on the road leading from the town clock towards Mt Vaea, 100m past the first traffic light on your left). This is not for the vegetarians among us: venison, goat and rabbit promised to be on the menu!

Here you have it from Cunning Linguist: “Ein gutes Protokoll, ein genaues Protokoll” (as often heard in the excellent 1970s Werner Herzog movie The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser: still worth watching between runs :-).

Monday, April 04, 2016

Hash Run 1823 UPDATE

The tanker on fire at the wharf is still blazing away and we have been told an evacuation of the wharf area has commenced. There will then be an evacuation along the route of the underground pipes to the tanks, which is along Beach road.
In light of this the new Hash venue is now at Cupless's house up by Palisi. Turn off the main road at turn facing Chicalicious, bear left at fork in road. The first house past the Our Lady of the Hill Church. My house is first on the left. Cupless will host and try and cater for the masses.

On On 
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1823

Today's Hash will be hosted by Elle McJr at Palusami Restaurant in the wharf area. Now that this silly daylight savings time is over, the run will start at 5.30 PM. Please bring your Hash Cash of 20 tala, and enjoy a nice run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1822

The Hash was hosted by Godfather at Tafatafa Beach on this Easter public holiday. The day at the beach was beautiful and many opted to stay and swim, especially those who have been on a GF set mid-day run. You bake! But the run went up to the main road, with some diversions along the way, with a final dash back to the beach again for a swim.

POD was back again and called the circle to order. New to Hash was David brought by Alex. Retreads were Shitbags, Jessica, Strapon. Shoe inspector Kieran failed.

This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (1980 Norwegian oil rig disaster), Gayboy (1998 Viagra gets FDA approval) and Shitbags (1986 Loscoe gas explosion). Celebrity Awards went to Cupless (for Rory in the paper) and Poumuli (also in the paper).

On the run apparently the pack came across some wild pigs, not having been alerted to this by Godfather, which resulted in an award for Transporter, Prince and Godfather. Gayboy and Poumuli got a down down for not running.

A Super Athlete Award went to ProbBoner for her efforts last week even while injured. Poumuli nominated Lewinsky for the bestowal of his new title – Asiata. Shitbags nominated Cockblocker for the Sneaky Award. At this point it started raining so the notes hereon are illegible.

We had a great feast and a lovely day at the beach.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1821

The Hash was hosted by Captain Mortein and Pirate Princess the Samoa Mini Golf over at Faleata. A nice day for it, but the usual mismanagement meant that we made Nom Nom the live hare. He set off at a leisurely pace he thought, but soon left most behind. This led to a few stops to collect the pack. We basically ran around the back roads of Siusega, with short-cutters Godfather, Cupless, Ring Ring and Poumuli actually making it a much longer run for themselves. The nuts back at the golf were small again but very tasty.

Sassygirl BJ stepped in as GM and called the circle to order. New to Hash was Robin, a friend of Nom Nom. Retreads was only Captain Mortein.
Ring Ring was appointed Shoe Inspector and found Alex, but also joined in for getting Il Capo’s name wrong.

This Day in History Awards went to Sassy (1963 – Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary, on an island in San Francisco Bay, closes), Poumuli (1978 – The first UNIFIL troops arrived in Lebanon for peacekeeping mission along the Blue Line), Kat (International Day of Happiness) and Poumuli for trying to get Marcus the (International Colour Day).

On the run the GM felt that the live hare hadn’t done a good job, as he only brought back 3 runners. He was joined by Poumuli who tried to dob in Ring Ring. Dawn Raid was then given a Gratitude Award for pledging not to drive anymore in Samoa.

Also on the run a Hash Mere had been followed by a car, revving and yelling about the sa. Apparently this was a new faifeau, so Captain Mortein took the Not Clearing Run With Neighbours Award.

Opening up for nominations, Witch Doctor immediately got the Not Paying Attention Award. Alex told the woe tale of Il Capo having a rough day after totalling her car. She was joined by Dawn Raid in the Best Drivers (Not) On the Island Award.

Nom Nom nominated Robin (Ozzie) for the Traitor Award as she was wearing a kiwi shirt, joined by Kat and also Ring Ring for leaning. There then followed some mass confusion in which Poumuli got three more down downs.

Finally recovered (the scribbles can be read again), Poumuli nominated Marcus for the Misrepresentation Award for stating that he was a Chef on his Samoa drivers license.
There was an attempt by Kat to make a nomination, but she failed because of hiccups. Robin and Snake then tried their remedy of neck back, Snake pouring beer and Robin rubbing Kat’s tummy. This failed miserably. Useless Implementation Award to Snake, Robin and Nom Nom.

Witch Doctor then leaned over, did something to Robin’s knee and fixed it. Living Up To Hash Name Award to Witch Doctor.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted then we feasted.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit