Thursday, February 23, 2012

Hash Run 1611

Afternoon All,
Next weeks run is being kindly hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Crash, Delicious and the theme for next weeks run is PINK! so slap on your best pink outfits and come down for what is bound to be a great hash run...

There will be a keg as well as a spread provided by the hosts. The run will be at Karaoke and Eveready's place behind Adria's Cakes. Bring your Hash Cash of $15.

Run starts 1730HRS so be on time. See map below for directions

On On

Hash Trash 1610

The hash was hosted by Tallyho at his grand lodgings in the lugubrious neighbourhood of Siusega, home to swingers, greenies and screamers! But we did not let that distract us, as the day had turned from blasting rain to blazing hot sunshine. The complete coverage of Tallyho’s sweat stains invited chortles when he said it wasn’t a challenging run. The run was set on chalk and paper, and after a brief explanation off we went. Strangler, Pussysnatcher and Poumuli mostly up front, but at the first false trail Tooth Fairy did his fair share in leading the pack. We basically took a long trek up into the neighbourhood of the Orator hotel, with a few off road diversions, before heading through the back roads to the Tafaigata road. It was a long run, with some daunting hillocks included, and the heat didn’t help – can’t wait for end of DST. Back at the lodgings we rejuvenated with the sweet nuts that had been brought by Alan.

Eveready was conned into being the GM, what with SOTB still languishing in some dank prison cell in the US. He called for those new to Apia Hash, and these were Helen from NZ, brought by Tallyho (he needed to whisper that!), and Emily and Charlie, the latter working with the Tokelau office. The GM decided that they should be tested, and a down-down was presented, in some rather unseemly jam-jars. Emily finished first! The rethreads was Screamer. The assistant Shoe Inspector PS could not find any new shoes so took the jam-jar himself.

Celebrity Awards went to the Publisher, Editor and contributing columnist of the newly launched Apia Financial Review – PS, Snatch and Sassygirl BJ. This Day in History Awards went to Emily (1957 last NZ legally executed – token Kiwi), Godfather (1979 it snowed in Sahara for the only time recorded ever – Godfather fell badly on the run, and there was no snow on his Sahara), Poumuli (1674 end of Anglo-Dutch war hands New Amsterdam to Brits who call it New York – Poumuli lived there for a number of years), and Captain Mortein (1472 Norway had to pawn off Shetlands and Orkneys to Scotland as dowry for Margaret of Denmark – not even the Captain would pay that much for some totty).

On the run a few hashers didn’t take the whole route, and when questioned by the GM admitted that they had been scared by the cows in the road. Slim Shady and Wahoo got the Bovine Intolerance Award.

In another incident, we had all seen the Captain take his little girl on the run, but when she had lost a shoe he continued running regardless! Parent of the Year Award to the Captain.

Even before the run started there had been complaints from some that could not find Tallyho’s house, but the worst offender was Horny Ho who didn’t even know what the helpful sign with “AHHH” on it meant – A Horny Horny Ho Award. A Bravery Award was issued to Godfather for not even issuing a whimper when he took his bad tumble. Godfather got the host included by insisting that it was Tallyho who had tripped him, to much grumbling protests.

After Horny Ho had arrived so did Slim Shady, who announced she was wearing a sports bra so she could run, but then of course she didn’t given her innate fear of cloven footed milk producers. She insisted that the GM should join in as he “never looks me in the eye. They are up here, dammit!” but this didn’t carry any water. Until later that is.

On a personal note, the GM had tried to order a car on-line from Japan, like we all do? Having had a major run around with the company he finally asked Ninja for assistance, and he fixed it toot sweet, so a Hero Award to Ninja. The GM was convinced that Tora! Tora! Tora! had been part of his instruction. Ninja gamely tried to get the GM one too by noting that he had been called by security guards about some suspicious looking characters on his grounds.

Last week Tallyho had warned that all must wear hash shirts at some point today, and POD had been there with the hash shirts for sale but had left early. Early Withdrawal Award for Lewinsky. The GM wanted to have at least one non-hash shirt wearing criminal sentenced, and launched on Snatch who was wearing suitable running clothes but hadn’t run. Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady had needed some help after the run from Ninja, and he had come to her assistance bare-chested, which gave her a full on view of some Nipponese hairy nipples. It was pointed out that this breached her earlier insistence of being looked in the eye!

Lewinsky was nominated for blocking the steps, according to him ostensibly to safeguard the kids from falling down from the balcony, but as he was observed several times not paying attention a Bad Parenting Award was given. Then there was the incident where Tooth Fairy had nearly brained baby Ninja with a falling cooler lid, and he was joined in his Clumsy Bugger Award by latecummer Pirate Princess.
Screamer was nominated for beating the crap out of a coconut in her attempt to get it open, while Lewinsky insisted that the Captain join in for repeatedly asking for help with the nut opening, even after so many years in Samoa. Horny Ho spotted Chi leaning. Wahoo gave a wholly unnecessary down-down to Poumuli for conking out sleeping after his long trip.

Some of us had observed what looked like a funky whip being dragged about by the kids, so Sassy nominated Tallyho for leaving his sex toys out. Tallyho took the award but pointed out that said whip was not a whip but in fact part of the furniture that the kids had by then destroyed.

Snatch tried to nominate Poumuli for leaving an empty condom packet for his wife to find. In fact this was a packet of chewing gum, so Snatch got a False Accusation Award. She was joined by Charlie for his extensive knowledge of NZ drug stores and the fact that he knew you could find the gum next to the condom section. Sassy nominated Alan for the Dedication to Hash Award, leaving his sick wife at home to come on the run.

Strangler had been at a coffee house in town, and had to wait interminably, with screaming kids running amok, only to find that his wait and torment was due to POD making a coffee for Lewinsky. This was doubled when Horny Ho pointed out that Lewinsky had brought a rusted gas bottle in lieu of the pristine Hash gas bottle. Wahoo got one for eating too early.

The Hare and Host Tallyho was saluted. We also signed a get well card for Curly who has had an unfortunate accident.

Next week’s run will be at Eveready’s. Dress in pink.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, February 17, 2012


Hash Run 1609 – Hot Nuts and Nut Cracker

Hot Nuts being the hare, called the circle to order, said the trail was set on paper, but that he had run out and there were pieces of plastic tied in trees towards the end. So it was out the gate, turn right. Tally Ho and Vai Vai, led the way down the paved road, sociably chatting through the green hills of Bank Street. The fearless leaders went down into a trough and back up, then splitting, with Tally Ho going one way and Strangler, Vai Vai and Phil the other, to check which way the trail went. Calls of On On by Tally Ho halted the latter and the whole group of hashers were called up to a dead end and shown what Tally Ho claimed to be a sacred hash site, being a dead end cross. He bellowed that we all needed to be brought off the real track to see it, before going back down and onto the right one. This brought much disdain from all and sundry, with shouts of “Let’s nail the bastard to a real cross,” and one expletive after another “Raucous” mumble, mumble “Old” mumble, “Antiquated” “Retard”, more mumbles “Yob.” (Roary) as he shall be referred to from now on in this report. With an incited mob around him, Roary thought escape was the better part of valour, from the clutches of a hostile crowd. Took off like a Pom threatened with a cake of soap, sensing there may be an early Easter for him, hanging around 2 pieces of timber for 4 days.

So off he scampered in his familiar short pyjamas. Down the road, with Pussy Snatcher, Strangler, Vai Vai and Phil in hot pursuit. The trail led down into the ravine and onto a familiar Hare Hot Nuts path. Out of the wilderness and obviously from ROARY, there came calls of “On across”, “On Up”, On down”, “On back”, “On On”, on something. Phil and Vai Vai were not sure of what it was he was on, but a smoky, herbal odour was in the air. They both crossed the river, but there was no Roary in sight.

The crowd soon gathered around looking for the trail but still no call of “On On” from Roary, who claims that he always does and berates others for not “On On’ing.” After much scouting around by the Captain and Pussy Snatcher, the group in the valley was complete. The river was crossed in many places, none of which saved anybody’s shoes from getting wet. Some giggly girls at the back were helped across by Tooth Fairy and Chi. All of a sudden good old Strangler, god bless his ponytail got the scent and off he flew calling “On On” with great gusto, becoming our FL (fearless leader), led us through thickets, brambles, up and down muddy slopes, yelling all the time, “On On” and Lewinsky joining in the excitement a little further back relaying the call to the back runners and at the same time running block down the muddy slopes to stop Vai Vai sliding down in to the ravine (what a guy). Pussy Snatcher was there, took a double take on the steepened slope of a near fatal fall of a year or so ago. Crime earned a chivalry nomination for helping Moa, some of the new hashers and others at one of the tricky bits.

Then nearing the top, in the misty light appeared a vision of a wild thing with grey flowing hair (and spectacles), stood ROARY, looking like some sort of phoenix rising out of smoke and ashes. After not hearing from him for some time and his disappearance, it was quite a mysterious vision. He shook his mane, cleared his throat and ordered in a great roar, “HASH HALT YOU BUNCH OF *^%#&@ !” mumbling like that of speaking in tongues, words that sounded such as -- “It Ain’t Half Hot Mum” – something about being a “Sergeant Major”, “Up the Jungle”, “What a bunch of Poofs”, then claiming leadership rights as said Sergeant Major, snapping out orders to the Captain and Vai Vai to hold ground and await further orders from HQ. Having had enough of Roary’s delirium, the good Captain threatened to take to him with his “custy rutlass” but Vai Vai intervening, realised that the dear old chap must have taken another puff, verbally slapped old Roary around, reminding him that it was not Burma 1943, but 2012 Samoa Hash, “You silly old stoned goat, you’ve overdosed on your meds again haven’t you.” With this old Roary bolted off again into a clearing the wrong way and was not seen again until found licking the tap of the cauldron back at base.

Even though Hot Nuts was standing pointing towards plastic wrapped trees there was no turning Roary to the right path, on which Captain, Lewinsky, Vai Vai, Phil and Pussy Snatcher went to the road and on home, to complete another excellent run set by H Nuts, which all the rest of the hashers completed and thoroughly enjoyed.

Acting GM Sassy Girl BJ called the circle to order. It was good to see a professional in full flight, as she flew into recalcitrants, criminals and hairy mongrels alike with great enthusiasm. A brilliant sight to behold. With her blood up, it was obvious to see that she is related to the Monk, as she ordered liquid lashes to the accused.

The GM welcomed and asked for those new to Hash to come forward. Chi (Vai Vai & Moa), Gloria & Gardenia (Tooth Fairy), Brendan, Frances & Michelle (absent Hornithologist), Jasmine (4WD). Tooth Fairy and 4WD drank for not sufficiently educating their guests. Rethreads were: Phil (visiting from Noumea), Slim Shady (slacking) and 4WD back from Aust/NZ with his fiancé (Jasmine).

With the highlight of the day having been the Manu’s win over NZ, 2 Manu reps – 4WD, Lewinsky and 2 NZ reps – Ladyfinger, Bruce were awarded down downs to celebrate. The GM also received an award for SOTB being spotted at the 7’s on TV. The GM called forth Whitney Houston fans, with Chi being the only one brave enough to admit it. The doctors in the hash (except Nut Cracker, who escaped to the kitchen), Tooth Fairy, Witch Doctor, Gardenia and Hot Nuts were accused of prescribing the wrong meds . All then took their medicine. Captain Mortein received his regular Bad Parenting award for going on the run, leaving his daughter in the vicinity of an unfenced pool and precipitous cliff. Similarly, Ninja received a Lousy Husband award for leaving Hiromi to look after the kids while he ran.

The GM asked for nominations from the run. Tally Ho was quick off the mark in accusing the hare of tying prophylactics to trees. Through the commotion of the hare’s defence and Ladyfinger receiving a Moron award from the GM for talking in the circle, Strangler accused Hot Nuts of Environmental Vandalism, using plastic to mark the trail after running out of paper. The false accusation defence then being that the plastic was recycled rubbish. It was pointed out that Hot Nuts had not in fact run out of paper and that another bag full was found in his house. Some dubious connection was also made to include Pussy Snatcher in this award. Chivalry awards went to Crime, Lewinsky and Chi for helping fellow Hashers through tricky spots on the run. Ladyfinger accused Tally Ho of deception after leading the Hash to the aforementioned “sign of the cross.” Tally Ho drank, as did Ladyfinger for being longwinded. Vai Vai accused Tally Ho of being militaristic when he’d declared a Hash Stop, ordered the Captain & V V to stay put, instead of finding the trail so they’d be ready to move on when all arrived. Hot Nuts then arrived to point to the right trail, which Tally Ho didn’t take anyway. Tally Ho’s defence that it was a Hash “Pause” was dismissed. Both drank, VV for being longwinded. In addition Strangler noted that the Captain had turned up to run with 2 left shoes and borrowed a pair from H Nuts. The false accusation defence that they were actually right shoes resulted in down downs for both. In actual fact they were both left (your Scribe and others witnessed that), so the good Cap’n scuttled the Strangler good. Tally Ho attacked Vai Vai and called him into the centre. He was reminded by V V that he wasn’t the GM, just another hasher like the rest of us. He then turned his attention to Strangler, accusing him of not calling On On (false accusation) which resulted in the GM telling Tally Ho to be quiet, she’d obviously had enough of his puff and wind.

Your scribe presented On This Day awards: 1909 sinking in NZ of SS Penguin - being a flightless bird, Frances as closest living relative of Hornithologist; 1978 Sydney Hilton Hotel bombing kills 2 garbage men – Capt Mortein and Strangler collecting bones for their dogs; 1994 theft of Munch’s Scream from Oslo Museum by Slippery (budding artist) – this was accompanied by visual representation of said painting by Vai Vai, providing full dental work display. Lastly, 1994 Bill Clinton was avoided impeachment, Lewinsky, naturally.

A celebrity award for the photo of the Laughing Samoans’ Aunty Tala in the Observer went to Wahoo. Lewinsky targeted Sexpot for his daughter’s photo in the paper at the fun run, plus his Westpac advert on TV trying to get all our money. Also on celebrities past (or passed), Vai Vai drank as closest living relative of Ben Vai, winner of the Elvis lookalike contest, nominated by Fireman Sam.

Slippery received a Not in Front of the Children award for stripping to his budgie smugglers for a swim and trying to provoke another Munch’s Scream. This became a double for failing to remove his hat. Then recognition of hash birthdays – Sexpot (40) and Desperate Housewife (25).

With a good sniff, shoe inspector Vai Vai declared Brendan’s shoes to be new, Pussy Snatcher came with nostrils flared to confirm same.

The GM accused Fireman Sam of Abuse of Govt Vehicles, when he used one to pick up an obese, dead pig from her place. He later countered with a Cruelty to Animals accusation for the GM electrocuting said pig (tasars & electric fences are one thing, but live 240v??). He also had the added trauma of later finding 9 unborn piglets (snacks for Walking Eagle).

Late-cummer award went ProBoner, followed by an accusation by Slim Shady regarding a conveniently lost phone when a walk up Mt Vaea was imminent. Another Late-cummer, Jerry, was recognised for dedication to Hash when he went back to Vailima for an extra thingummybob to prevent loss of Hash nectar.

A large down down went to Horny Ho for bringing the hash mugs back filthy. Tooth Fairy came to the rescue, but a small down down was immediately added for HH wearing a hat.

Hot Nuts as host, thanked Godfather for the niu, food contributors, Titty G and Nutcracker. Hare and host down downs were taken by Hot Nuts, Nut Cracker and Titty G. Godfather then finished off the circle with a rendition of “Cupid” for married couples to waltz to for Valentine’s Day.

Reminder that POD still has some 1600th Hash t shirts for $25. Sexpot modelled, working the poolside catwalk.

Next week’s Hash is to be hosted by Tally Ho (Roary) - byo ear plugs. See the blog for more details.

On On

This trash was prepared for you by acting scribe, Moa (Chook) in the absence of our climate change hero Poumuli!!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Hash Run 1610

Greeting Hashers from Sydney.

Next Monday's run will be hosted by Tallyho at his "castle" in Siusega. No theme has been announced yet.

Run starts at 17.30 as usual. Bring your hash cash of $15.

Will post more details if I get them. Will try and get the google map posted.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Friday, February 10, 2012

Hash Run 1609

Morning All, trust you all had a great weekend.

Monday's run will be hosted by Hot Nuts and Nut Cracker at their home in Vaoala (Bank Street). No theme for the run, just turn up with your running gear and a change of clothes.

Please note that it is also a BYO Food run. There will be a BBQ there, so pls bring something to contribute to throw on the BBQ or a salad or something. There will be a Keg as per the norm.

See the Map for Directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1608

It was good to be back in rainy Samoa, and the Hashers were in for a cool run for a change. Unfortunately for us, our host Slippery, had engaged the services of Tiger Woody (AKA Kiwi) to set the trail. We all shuddered collectively as we knew this would involve serious punishment and given the rain, a serious mud bath. We were not disappointed! The trail had been set on paper, kindly provided by Westpac, so now we know where all the drafts for those advertisements posing as news stories end up. Slippery sent us out the gate, led by Tallyho and Poumuli, and the trail was mysteriously clear and obvious. Then it was not. While Tallyho scouted ahead, Hot Nuts was sent to check out someone’s yard, and there, well hidden, was the trail. Under washing lines and out past a pig paddock, we realized we were going to get muddy. The steep hill down into the valley culled many Hashers, and there were few clean shoes and limbs at the bottom. We knew there were various ways out of this place, but initial forays brought us no closer to the trail. Finally the trail was discovered, forcing those of us who had climbed various parts of the opposing hill to get even more muddy and cut up by the branches. Following Crime, with loud hoots of on on, was also an occupational hazard, as the branches he passed would slam back at high speed to blind and sting. Further false trails were not so hard to discern, as the Hare’s footprints could be made out, that is if you got there ahead of the stomping Captain Mortein! While he was busy insulting one branch of the Viking lineage, Poumuli was actually tracking it pretty well. A hash halt was called by Hot Nuts to gather the stragglers, but this was ignored by some, who caught up on the trail as we emerged onto the back roads again. Then it was on home, past NUS and the cemetery and back to Slippery’s house. In short this was not the longest of our runs, but it was challenging, and the final race back to the house allowed some of us to open up the lungs.

Tallyho was dobbed in as GM, since the intrepid SOTB is in Yankee-land punishing his various organs of ill repute, supposedly watching the 7s. The GM called forth those new to Apia Hash, and that was Michael who had been invited by Snake. The rethreads were Flash Gordon and Emmy (in NZ and flying around), Hideo and Yoko (in Japan). Celebrity Awards had not been collected by the absent Poumuli, so he got a Dereliction of Duty Award (bastards!), while the GM had spotted Sassy in the paper so a closest living relative was found in Flash Gordon. New Shoes – well Wahoo’s were pretty obvious. Emmy had hidden hers, and the GM agreed with the baying crowd that her bare feet also constituted being new to Hash, so she joined in with a regular down-down.

This Day in History Awards went to Ninja (1703 – 46 of the 47 Ronin commit ritual suicide, who survived?), Fireman Sam (2004 – Facebook is founded – who is the most prolific user of this insidious medium?), Witch Doctor (1818 – King Karl Johan takes the joint throne of Norway-Sweden) and Denver and Kiwi (token Kiwis for 1840 Waitangi Treaty). Hot Nuts was forced to join in for not being invited to the NZ Waitangi Party, despite being the most senior NZ national in the UN in Samoa!
A latecummer appeared named Dave who said he had been invited by Michael and Bruce, so Strangler and Bruce had to join him. Tallyho also wanted a run report, which was judged to be about 69 out of 100, and called forth Eveready, who had been beating around in the wrong bush, and got himself a Whingeing Yank Award. But the run had been tough, and that called for strong FRBs, who in this case had actually performed – Tooth Fairy and Crime were awarded for their good leadership, while Poumuli joined in for whingeing about the stinging branches.

Then there was the issue of Hash Halts. While this had not been discussed up front, they are a good idea for keeping the pack together. Hot Nuts and Tallyho had called for such and had been pointedly ignored by Vai Vai and Captain Mortein. Their pretended deafness did not work as an excuse. Eveready chimed in that Snake had said he would wait for the rest, and had not, so he also joined in this Unhashmanlike Behaviour Award.

Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky nominated Flash for finally busting out some cash for an engagement ring. He was joined by Emmy for the Why-oh-why-did-she-say-yes Award. Then there were the latecummers who had taken off their shoes to hide that they were not muddy – Horny Ho and Fireman Sam got the Ludicrous Deception Award. They were joined by Lewinsky and Karaoke for the Keeping Clean and Poledancing Awards, respectively.

Greenie was called forth for coming late and for his mate leaning on a post. Flash got Lewinsky for an Advertisement Award, as he was wearing the upholstery firm logo. In the kerfuffle as to whether the Hash Shirts also constituted advertising, the GM got Vai Vai for not wearing a hash shirt and the Captain for eating, again!
A birthday award was given to Tooth Fairy and Eveready, both turning 16 apparently. Hot Nuts tried to complement Vai Vai for his biathlon initiative, but this turned to congratulatory waffling that landed them both on the GM’s (s)hitlist. This was expanded to include all those who had not yet received an award, Cassie, Moa, Mrs Ninja to name a few, for the Inclusiveness Award.

Strangler nominated Slippery for living up to his hash name, because he went arse over tit in his own driveway. Bruce tried to get an award for Strangler, but a name mishap meant that he joined in instead. Lewinsky had a tale to tell, of requests coming in to bring stuff to Karaoke from NZ, but that she had a specific request that it should be no shorter than 12 inches. Since this is a family hash no further explanation was deemed appropriate, and Karaoke, Eveready and Lewinsky took the Obscene Imports Award.

Flash Gordon had recovered his senses after the onslaught of down-downs, and called on the Brewmaster Lewinsky to produce the proper Hash Mugs. In his defence, Lewinsky stated that these were at Snake’s house, but he was joined by Lewinsky for the non-reminder.

Wahoo then rather lugubriously described being taken to a Sex Shop in NZ by Poumuli. His explanations were not accepted by the GM, but Strangler also insisted that anyone from Aqua Samoa join in. Captain Mortein regained his senses after eating all that food, and accused the GM of reneging on his promise to bring some cheese from Australia. However, the GM noted that he was bringing this to the Captain’s Tuesday run, hence a Calenderial Challenged Award to the Captain.

The ever watchful fireman spotted Slippery hanging on a clothesline, and while not exactly leaning was sufficient. Vai Vai attempted to dob Poumuli for not taking the challenge of running at a minefield, but since the GM was aware of his military training and NCO status, obviously he wasn’t going to follow such an order (never, ever volunteer!), and Vai Vai was waffling and a-shuffling, so a Backfire Award was required.

The Hare and the Hosts were then saluted before we ravaged the food.
Next week’s run may be hosted by Hot Nuts, but need to confirm that with the Powers That Be.

Also, next week Moa will be the Assistant Trainee Scribe.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Sunday, February 05, 2012

RUN 1608 - Slippery and Francis Howes at Toomatagi

Talofa All

Run 1608 is kindly hosted by Slippery and Kiwi from Slippery's home at Toomatagi. Hi place is the 4th house after the entrance to the National University of Samoa and directly opposite from the Primary School.

Run is hosted but feel free to bring a salad or whatever else you may like to eat to add to the spread. Remember your $15 for hash cash and some change as it may be wet!!!

Been trying to find the damn map for Slippery's place on the blog but not much luck... if you have google earth maps then click on the following link:

Good luck lol!, if all else fails, then post a comment on the chat and another hasher will assist you if you are new!!!

I will not be there tomorrow so can one of the older hashmen/mere stand in for GM please..

Let me know if you can host the following run, otherwise we will find a venue and have a BYO Run.



Thursday, February 02, 2012

Hash Trash 1607

Kia Ora Hashers, greetings from Wahoo and I in NZ. Here is the Trash courtesy of Desperate Housewife! We may retain her services. See you next week.

If we all thought it was hot during Hash Run 1606, this week’s run was torture. It was like running through Lucifer’s hot fiery hell hole. This was a run of “False Trails” with HH, Toothfairy, Fireman Sam and SOTB plotting a run with many twists and turns.

As soon as we left the Marina Hotel, we had a flour circle and had to look for the trail. Some FRBs headed towards Palolo Deep whilst the others went in the opposite direction towards YNot – the correct way much to the chagrin of the FRBs who went in the other direction. There was then a choice of heading towards Apia Park or going on past Aggie Grey’s. Those who went the Apia park way were again foiled by the false track. So everyone progressed past Aggie’s and then took a left through the carpark heading towards Coffee Bean, again if we had proceeded to run along Cross Island Road, we would have met with another False trail, however Vai Vai was on the ball and took us through the back of the Police Department. Although once we went through the police department and reached Lewinsky’s place of business, we had lost the flour trail altogether. Whilst we were waiting, pondering on which way to go, across the road – Karaoke and Eveready were having a lovely time walking along the sea wall in the shade whilst we mad folk were sweltering the hot sun just wanting to find the flour so we could end this torture.

We eventually went back the way we came and found the trail over a heap of mud and rocks where they are making a new road and we ended up near McDonald’s and then headed up past Snake and Fang’s place. The track the made a turn near Ah Liki’s and we headed on through til we again reached another flour circle (I would like to know what the technical term for this flour circle is). We again had to find the right track. Some went straight through whilst others took a right and headed up towards Airport Road. Incidentally at this time, Godfather was caught in the act of Chariot riding and joined the crew heading towards Airport Road. Unfortunately he joined the wrong crowd as they were again unknowingly leading him to another FALSE TRAIL!!!
Once everyone was back on track, the run headed towards the BlueSky Samoatel building and along the road heading back towards Apia Park way. We crossed the road at the big intersection near the ANZ (Sexpot is not going to be happy with me dropping that name!) and headed finally back to our destination where thank goodness there was a swimming pool for us all to cool down in. Although with all our hot bodies (temperature wise!), the pool soon turned into a heated pool.
All in all it was a very good run which, if we had not come across any false trails, would have been a nice 30 mins, but with all those road blocks we most of us finished around 40-45 mins. In that sweltering heat I reckon we all lost 5kgs in sweat alone!

After a delicious pre-hash circle appetizer of clams kindly provided to us by the hosts, GM called the Hash Circle to order.
Firstly there were a few newbies. Fireman Sam had his two lovely sisters Tasha and Margarita attending Hash. Denver was invited by Witch Doctor but called her by her real name so a down down went to Witch Doctor who tossed most of it over her shoulder – beer abuse!!! It should have been a double DD. Cassie was invited by Kat & Beyonce (Ted).

Rethreads were then called to front and centre. They included Top Shelf (visiting family in the US), Snake (Banging Fang), Urs (excuse was that he lives too far away) and Gian (same excuse). The last two lads were getting abused during the “down down” song as they were drinking before the “drink it down, down, down, down...” part.

New Shoe inspection was next. Ola and Dried Nuts were called up. Top Shelf had hers inspected but they were deemed too smelly go near, although her bright fluorescent socks made up for it. By the time the down down with the shoes happened, there was no beer left in Dried Nuts shoe as the specific model was those “easy breathing” shoes with lots of aeration. It was later overheard that Dried Nuts had actually done a practice run, filling her shoes with water and already knew that she wouldn’t have to drink out of them when the time came.

Celebrity Award was next on the cards and Sassy was nominated for being in the paper ( ), also Sexpot thought he had got away with no one calling him up for being on TV earlier in the week until Desperate Housewife dobbed him in.
This day in history awards went to: Top Shelf (US abolishes slavery), Titty G (exposing herself at a Hash Function a` la Janet Jackson at the Superbowl), Captain Mortein (Danish ship MS Hans Hedtoft, deemed to be unsinkable, hits iceberg and sinks) also Vai Vai had to join in the down down for calling Captain Mortein by his real name.

Angler award down down to Toothfairy who, whilst also being seasick managed to catch himself a 60kg Yellowfin Tuna.
Latecummers down down to Dumbass, Hans & Olsen.
Father of the Year Award went to Captain Mortein who almost let his daughter drown due to lack of supervision and too much attention to other Hash meres. This award soon got changed to Parents of the Year Award when Pirate Princess almost let the same thing happen later in the evening. Captain had a double DD whilst Pirate Princess was also forcing Captain to have hers (a triple!) – however this was kindly taken by Sassygirl instead.

Hashman Slippery had his 60th birthday last week and did not go to Hash but instead took his wife out to dinner so he was given a down down too.
Another incident resulted in Lewinsky taking a down down due to making Ben the Cripple hobble his way across the room to give Lewinsky his beer whilst he was lounging in the pool. Lewinsky countered saying that the beer was warm by the time Ben got it to him.

Godfather was given a down down for chariot riding. Sam also got a down down due to his sister leaning on a post and Sam not disclosing to her the Hash rules.
Snake then nominated the cripple, Ben for talking during the proceedings going on in the Hash circle.

Sassygirl nominated Sue for taking a Hash mere’s money but not remembering her name and confusing the hell out of Sassygirl.
SOTB then nominated Captain Mortein for using the excuse that his daughter was hungry so that he could eat a sausage.
Karaoke and Ring Ring accused Vai Vai of being a “mata aitu” (Peeping Tom) for perving on them for a whole hour whilst they were doing a Zumba class at the Aquatic Centre.

Sassygirl called Horny Ho to the front for de-motivating Sassygirl by telling her not to run but to hang back in the pool and drink beers with her. They ended up having a down down together.
Vaivai nominated a certain Hashman who was riding in the back of a pick up in a boat whilst drinking a beer while his poor pregnant wife was driving – Lewinsky. However Lewinsky managed to coerce the GM up too as he was witness to the incident so they had a down down together.

Sassygirl called up Beyonce as he now responds more to the name Beyonce than his real name Ted. Beyonce also calls up Kats as they had recently got married. Kats took way too long with the down down so Sexpot finished it for her.
Vai Vai got a done for abusing a hashman’s trust and property by putting a hole in Lewinsky’s kayak. Then Snake got a down down for the exact thing he caught out Ben doing – although this time Snake was also fondling fruit.
Hare and hosts – Horny Ho, Sam, Toothfairy and GM all came up and proceeded to down down their vailimas.

After the Hash Circle, a lavish spread was put out for the hungry Hashmen and meres, including Oka, Poke, Chicken, Sosisi (minus the one Capt Mortein pinched) salad and taro. A great night.

Next week’s run is hosted by Kiwi and Slippery past the NUS. No need to bring food as the Hosts are supplying (even though it is the 1st Monday of the month). But bring a change of clothing as this run could get messy.
Sassygirl will be standing in for the GM over the next two weeks whilst he’s in LA LA LAND.

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