Hash Trash 1608

It was good to be back in rainy Samoa, and the Hashers were in for a cool run for a change. Unfortunately for us, our host Slippery, had engaged the services of Tiger Woody (AKA Kiwi) to set the trail. We all shuddered collectively as we knew this would involve serious punishment and given the rain, a serious mud bath. We were not disappointed! The trail had been set on paper, kindly provided by Westpac, so now we know where all the drafts for those advertisements posing as news stories end up. Slippery sent us out the gate, led by Tallyho and Poumuli, and the trail was mysteriously clear and obvious. Then it was not. While Tallyho scouted ahead, Hot Nuts was sent to check out someone’s yard, and there, well hidden, was the trail. Under washing lines and out past a pig paddock, we realized we were going to get muddy. The steep hill down into the valley culled many Hashers, and there were few clean shoes and limbs at the bottom. We knew there were various ways out of this place, but initial forays brought us no closer to the trail. Finally the trail was discovered, forcing those of us who had climbed various parts of the opposing hill to get even more muddy and cut up by the branches. Following Crime, with loud hoots of on on, was also an occupational hazard, as the branches he passed would slam back at high speed to blind and sting. Further false trails were not so hard to discern, as the Hare’s footprints could be made out, that is if you got there ahead of the stomping Captain Mortein! While he was busy insulting one branch of the Viking lineage, Poumuli was actually tracking it pretty well. A hash halt was called by Hot Nuts to gather the stragglers, but this was ignored by some, who caught up on the trail as we emerged onto the back roads again. Then it was on home, past NUS and the cemetery and back to Slippery’s house. In short this was not the longest of our runs, but it was challenging, and the final race back to the house allowed some of us to open up the lungs.

Tallyho was dobbed in as GM, since the intrepid SOTB is in Yankee-land punishing his various organs of ill repute, supposedly watching the 7s. The GM called forth those new to Apia Hash, and that was Michael who had been invited by Snake. The rethreads were Flash Gordon and Emmy (in NZ and flying around), Hideo and Yoko (in Japan). Celebrity Awards had not been collected by the absent Poumuli, so he got a Dereliction of Duty Award (bastards!), while the GM had spotted Sassy in the paper so a closest living relative was found in Flash Gordon. New Shoes – well Wahoo’s were pretty obvious. Emmy had hidden hers, and the GM agreed with the baying crowd that her bare feet also constituted being new to Hash, so she joined in with a regular down-down.

This Day in History Awards went to Ninja (1703 – 46 of the 47 Ronin commit ritual suicide, who survived?), Fireman Sam (2004 – Facebook is founded – who is the most prolific user of this insidious medium?), Witch Doctor (1818 – King Karl Johan takes the joint throne of Norway-Sweden) and Denver and Kiwi (token Kiwis for 1840 Waitangi Treaty). Hot Nuts was forced to join in for not being invited to the NZ Waitangi Party, despite being the most senior NZ national in the UN in Samoa!
A latecummer appeared named Dave who said he had been invited by Michael and Bruce, so Strangler and Bruce had to join him. Tallyho also wanted a run report, which was judged to be about 69 out of 100, and called forth Eveready, who had been beating around in the wrong bush, and got himself a Whingeing Yank Award. But the run had been tough, and that called for strong FRBs, who in this case had actually performed – Tooth Fairy and Crime were awarded for their good leadership, while Poumuli joined in for whingeing about the stinging branches.

Then there was the issue of Hash Halts. While this had not been discussed up front, they are a good idea for keeping the pack together. Hot Nuts and Tallyho had called for such and had been pointedly ignored by Vai Vai and Captain Mortein. Their pretended deafness did not work as an excuse. Eveready chimed in that Snake had said he would wait for the rest, and had not, so he also joined in this Unhashmanlike Behaviour Award.

Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky nominated Flash for finally busting out some cash for an engagement ring. He was joined by Emmy for the Why-oh-why-did-she-say-yes Award. Then there were the latecummers who had taken off their shoes to hide that they were not muddy – Horny Ho and Fireman Sam got the Ludicrous Deception Award. They were joined by Lewinsky and Karaoke for the Keeping Clean and Poledancing Awards, respectively.

Greenie was called forth for coming late and for his mate leaning on a post. Flash got Lewinsky for an Advertisement Award, as he was wearing the upholstery firm logo. In the kerfuffle as to whether the Hash Shirts also constituted advertising, the GM got Vai Vai for not wearing a hash shirt and the Captain for eating, again!
A birthday award was given to Tooth Fairy and Eveready, both turning 16 apparently. Hot Nuts tried to complement Vai Vai for his biathlon initiative, but this turned to congratulatory waffling that landed them both on the GM’s (s)hitlist. This was expanded to include all those who had not yet received an award, Cassie, Moa, Mrs Ninja to name a few, for the Inclusiveness Award.



Strangler nominated Slippery for living up to his hash name, because he went arse over tit in his own driveway. Bruce tried to get an award for Strangler, but a name mishap meant that he joined in instead. Lewinsky had a tale to tell, of requests coming in to bring stuff to Karaoke from NZ, but that she had a specific request that it should be no shorter than 12 inches. Since this is a family hash no further explanation was deemed appropriate, and Karaoke, Eveready and Lewinsky took the Obscene Imports Award.

Flash Gordon had recovered his senses after the onslaught of down-downs, and called on the Brewmaster Lewinsky to produce the proper Hash Mugs. In his defence, Lewinsky stated that these were at Snake’s house, but he was joined by Lewinsky for the non-reminder.

Wahoo then rather lugubriously described being taken to a Sex Shop in NZ by Poumuli. His explanations were not accepted by the GM, but Strangler also insisted that anyone from Aqua Samoa join in. Captain Mortein regained his senses after eating all that food, and accused the GM of reneging on his promise to bring some cheese from Australia. However, the GM noted that he was bringing this to the Captain’s Tuesday run, hence a Calenderial Challenged Award to the Captain.

The ever watchful fireman spotted Slippery hanging on a clothesline, and while not exactly leaning was sufficient. Vai Vai attempted to dob Poumuli for not taking the challenge of running at a minefield, but since the GM was aware of his military training and NCO status, obviously he wasn’t going to follow such an order (never, ever volunteer!), and Vai Vai was waffling and a-shuffling, so a Backfire Award was required.

The Hare and the Hosts were then saluted before we ravaged the food.
Next week’s run may be hosted by Hot Nuts, but need to confirm that with the Powers That Be.

Also, next week Moa will be the Assistant Trainee Scribe.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit