Hash Run 1609 – Hot Nuts and Nut Cracker
Hot Nuts being the hare, called the circle to order, said the trail was set on paper, but that he had run out and there were pieces of plastic tied in trees towards the end. So it was out the gate, turn right. Tally Ho and Vai Vai, led the way down the paved road, sociably chatting through the green hills of Bank Street. The fearless leaders went down into a trough and back up, then splitting, with Tally Ho going one way and Strangler, Vai Vai and Phil the other, to check which way the trail went. Calls of On On by Tally Ho halted the latter and the whole group of hashers were called up to a dead end and shown what Tally Ho claimed to be a sacred hash site, being a dead end cross. He bellowed that we all needed to be brought off the real track to see it, before going back down and onto the right one. This brought much disdain from all and sundry, with shouts of “Let’s nail the bastard to a real cross,” and one expletive after another “Raucous” mumble, mumble “Old” mumble, “Antiquated” “Retard”, more mumbles “Yob.” (Roary) as he shall be referred to from now on in this report. With an incited mob around him, Roary thought escape was the better part of valour, from the clutches of a hostile crowd. Took off like a Pom threatened with a cake of soap, sensing there may be an early Easter for him, hanging around 2 pieces of timber for 4 days.
So off he scampered in his familiar short pyjamas. Down the road, with Pussy Snatcher, Strangler, Vai Vai and Phil in hot pursuit. The trail led down into the ravine and onto a familiar Hare Hot Nuts path. Out of the wilderness and obviously from ROARY, there came calls of “On across”, “On Up”, On down”, “On back”, “On On”, on something. Phil and Vai Vai were not sure of what it was he was on, but a smoky, herbal odour was in the air. They both crossed the river, but there was no Roary in sight.
The crowd soon gathered around looking for the trail but still no call of “On On” from Roary, who claims that he always does and berates others for not “On On’ing.” After much scouting around by the Captain and Pussy Snatcher, the group in the valley was complete. The river was crossed in many places, none of which saved anybody’s shoes from getting wet. Some giggly girls at the back were helped across by Tooth Fairy and Chi. All of a sudden good old Strangler, god bless his ponytail got the scent and off he flew calling “On On” with great gusto, becoming our FL (fearless leader), led us through thickets, brambles, up and down muddy slopes, yelling all the time, “On On” and Lewinsky joining in the excitement a little further back relaying the call to the back runners and at the same time running block down the muddy slopes to stop Vai Vai sliding down in to the ravine (what a guy). Pussy Snatcher was there, took a double take on the steepened slope of a near fatal fall of a year or so ago. Crime earned a chivalry nomination for helping Moa, some of the new hashers and others at one of the tricky bits.
Then nearing the top, in the misty light appeared a vision of a wild thing with grey flowing hair (and spectacles), stood ROARY, looking like some sort of phoenix rising out of smoke and ashes. After not hearing from him for some time and his disappearance, it was quite a mysterious vision. He shook his mane, cleared his throat and ordered in a great roar, “HASH HALT YOU BUNCH OF *^%#&@ !” mumbling like that of speaking in tongues, words that sounded such as -- “It Ain’t Half Hot Mum” – something about being a “Sergeant Major”, “Up the Jungle”, “What a bunch of Poofs”, then claiming leadership rights as said Sergeant Major, snapping out orders to the Captain and Vai Vai to hold ground and await further orders from HQ. Having had enough of Roary’s delirium, the good Captain threatened to take to him with his “custy rutlass” but Vai Vai intervening, realised that the dear old chap must have taken another puff, verbally slapped old Roary around, reminding him that it was not Burma 1943, but 2012 Samoa Hash, “You silly old stoned goat, you’ve overdosed on your meds again haven’t you.” With this old Roary bolted off again into a clearing the wrong way and was not seen again until found licking the tap of the cauldron back at base.
Even though Hot Nuts was standing pointing towards plastic wrapped trees there was no turning Roary to the right path, on which Captain, Lewinsky, Vai Vai, Phil and Pussy Snatcher went to the road and on home, to complete another excellent run set by H Nuts, which all the rest of the hashers completed and thoroughly enjoyed.
Acting GM Sassy Girl BJ called the circle to order. It was good to see a professional in full flight, as she flew into recalcitrants, criminals and hairy mongrels alike with great enthusiasm. A brilliant sight to behold. With her blood up, it was obvious to see that she is related to the Monk, as she ordered liquid lashes to the accused.
The GM welcomed and asked for those new to Hash to come forward. Chi (Vai Vai & Moa), Gloria & Gardenia (Tooth Fairy), Brendan, Frances & Michelle (absent Hornithologist), Jasmine (4WD). Tooth Fairy and 4WD drank for not sufficiently educating their guests. Rethreads were: Phil (visiting from Noumea), Slim Shady (slacking) and 4WD back from Aust/NZ with his fiancé (Jasmine).
With the highlight of the day having been the Manu’s win over NZ, 2 Manu reps – 4WD, Lewinsky and 2 NZ reps – Ladyfinger, Bruce were awarded down downs to celebrate. The GM also received an award for SOTB being spotted at the 7’s on TV. The GM called forth Whitney Houston fans, with Chi being the only one brave enough to admit it. The doctors in the hash (except Nut Cracker, who escaped to the kitchen), Tooth Fairy, Witch Doctor, Gardenia and Hot Nuts were accused of prescribing the wrong meds . All then took their medicine. Captain Mortein received his regular Bad Parenting award for going on the run, leaving his daughter in the vicinity of an unfenced pool and precipitous cliff. Similarly, Ninja received a Lousy Husband award for leaving Hiromi to look after the kids while he ran.
The GM asked for nominations from the run. Tally Ho was quick off the mark in accusing the hare of tying prophylactics to trees. Through the commotion of the hare’s defence and Ladyfinger receiving a Moron award from the GM for talking in the circle, Strangler accused Hot Nuts of Environmental Vandalism, using plastic to mark the trail after running out of paper. The false accusation defence then being that the plastic was recycled rubbish. It was pointed out that Hot Nuts had not in fact run out of paper and that another bag full was found in his house. Some dubious connection was also made to include Pussy Snatcher in this award. Chivalry awards went to Crime, Lewinsky and Chi for helping fellow Hashers through tricky spots on the run. Ladyfinger accused Tally Ho of deception after leading the Hash to the aforementioned “sign of the cross.” Tally Ho drank, as did Ladyfinger for being longwinded. Vai Vai accused Tally Ho of being militaristic when he’d declared a Hash Stop, ordered the Captain & V V to stay put, instead of finding the trail so they’d be ready to move on when all arrived. Hot Nuts then arrived to point to the right trail, which Tally Ho didn’t take anyway. Tally Ho’s defence that it was a Hash “Pause” was dismissed. Both drank, VV for being longwinded. In addition Strangler noted that the Captain had turned up to run with 2 left shoes and borrowed a pair from H Nuts. The false accusation defence that they were actually right shoes resulted in down downs for both. In actual fact they were both left (your Scribe and others witnessed that), so the good Cap’n scuttled the Strangler good. Tally Ho attacked Vai Vai and called him into the centre. He was reminded by V V that he wasn’t the GM, just another hasher like the rest of us. He then turned his attention to Strangler, accusing him of not calling On On (false accusation) which resulted in the GM telling Tally Ho to be quiet, she’d obviously had enough of his puff and wind.
Your scribe presented On This Day awards: 1909 sinking in NZ of SS Penguin - being a flightless bird, Frances as closest living relative of Hornithologist; 1978 Sydney Hilton Hotel bombing kills 2 garbage men – Capt Mortein and Strangler collecting bones for their dogs; 1994 theft of Munch’s Scream from Oslo Museum by Slippery (budding artist) – this was accompanied by visual representation of said painting by Vai Vai, providing full dental work display. Lastly, 1994 Bill Clinton was avoided impeachment, Lewinsky, naturally.
A celebrity award for the photo of the Laughing Samoans’ Aunty Tala in the Observer went to Wahoo. Lewinsky targeted Sexpot for his daughter’s photo in the paper at the fun run, plus his Westpac advert on TV trying to get all our money. Also on celebrities past (or passed), Vai Vai drank as closest living relative of Ben Vai, winner of the Elvis lookalike contest, nominated by Fireman Sam.
Slippery received a Not in Front of the Children award for stripping to his budgie smugglers for a swim and trying to provoke another Munch’s Scream. This became a double for failing to remove his hat. Then recognition of hash birthdays – Sexpot (40) and Desperate Housewife (25).
With a good sniff, shoe inspector Vai Vai declared Brendan’s shoes to be new, Pussy Snatcher came with nostrils flared to confirm same.
The GM accused Fireman Sam of Abuse of Govt Vehicles, when he used one to pick up an obese, dead pig from her place. He later countered with a Cruelty to Animals accusation for the GM electrocuting said pig (tasars & electric fences are one thing, but live 240v??). He also had the added trauma of later finding 9 unborn piglets (snacks for Walking Eagle).
Late-cummer award went ProBoner, followed by an accusation by Slim Shady regarding a conveniently lost phone when a walk up Mt Vaea was imminent. Another Late-cummer, Jerry, was recognised for dedication to Hash when he went back to Vailima for an extra thingummybob to prevent loss of Hash nectar.
A large down down went to Horny Ho for bringing the hash mugs back filthy. Tooth Fairy came to the rescue, but a small down down was immediately added for HH wearing a hat.
Hot Nuts as host, thanked Godfather for the niu, food contributors, Titty G and Nutcracker. Hare and host down downs were taken by Hot Nuts, Nut Cracker and Titty G. Godfather then finished off the circle with a rendition of “Cupid” for married couples to waltz to for Valentine’s Day.
Reminder that POD still has some 1600th Hash t shirts for $25. Sexpot modelled, working the poolside catwalk.
This trash was prepared for you by acting scribe, Moa (Chook) in the absence of our climate change hero Poumuli!!!!