The hash was hosted by Tallyho at his grand lodgings in the lugubrious neighbourhood of Siusega, home to swingers, greenies and screamers! But we did not let that distract us, as the day had turned from blasting rain to blazing hot sunshine. The complete coverage of Tallyho’s sweat stains invited chortles when he said it wasn’t a challenging run. The run was set on chalk and paper, and after a brief explanation off we went. Strangler, Pussysnatcher and Poumuli mostly up front, but at the first false trail Tooth Fairy did his fair share in leading the pack. We basically took a long trek up into the neighbourhood of the Orator hotel, with a few off road diversions, before heading through the back roads to the Tafaigata road. It was a long run, with some daunting hillocks included, and the heat didn’t help – can’t wait for end of DST. Back at the lodgings we rejuvenated with the sweet nuts that had been brought by Alan.
Eveready was conned into being the GM, what with SOTB still languishing in some dank prison cell in the US. He called for those new to Apia Hash, and these were Helen from NZ, brought by Tallyho (he needed to whisper that!), and Emily and Charlie, the latter working with the Tokelau office. The GM decided that they should be tested, and a down-down was presented, in some rather unseemly jam-jars. Emily finished first! The rethreads was Screamer. The assistant Shoe Inspector PS could not find any new shoes so took the jam-jar himself.
Celebrity Awards went to the Publisher, Editor and contributing columnist of the newly launched Apia Financial Review – PS, Snatch and Sassygirl BJ. This Day in History Awards went to Emily (1957 last NZ legally executed – token Kiwi), Godfather (1979 it snowed in Sahara for the only time recorded ever – Godfather fell badly on the run, and there was no snow on his Sahara), Poumuli (1674 end of Anglo-Dutch war hands New Amsterdam to Brits who call it New York – Poumuli lived there for a number of years), and Captain Mortein (1472 Norway had to pawn off Shetlands and Orkneys to Scotland as dowry for Margaret of Denmark – not even the Captain would pay that much for some totty).
On the run a few hashers didn’t take the whole route, and when questioned by the GM admitted that they had been scared by the cows in the road. Slim Shady and Wahoo got the Bovine Intolerance Award.
In another incident, we had all seen the Captain take his little girl on the run, but when she had lost a shoe he continued running regardless! Parent of the Year Award to the Captain.
Even before the run started there had been complaints from some that could not find Tallyho’s house, but the worst offender was Horny Ho who didn’t even know what the helpful sign with “AHHH” on it meant – A Horny Horny Ho Award. A Bravery Award was issued to Godfather for not even issuing a whimper when he took his bad tumble. Godfather got the host included by insisting that it was Tallyho who had tripped him, to much grumbling protests.
After Horny Ho had arrived so did Slim Shady, who announced she was wearing a sports bra so she could run, but then of course she didn’t given her innate fear of cloven footed milk producers. She insisted that the GM should join in as he “never looks me in the eye. They are up here, dammit!” but this didn’t carry any water. Until later that is.
On a personal note, the GM had tried to order a car on-line from Japan, like we all do? Having had a major run around with the company he finally asked Ninja for assistance, and he fixed it toot sweet, so a Hero Award to Ninja. The GM was convinced that Tora! Tora! Tora! had been part of his instruction. Ninja gamely tried to get the GM one too by noting that he had been called by security guards about some suspicious looking characters on his grounds.
Last week Tallyho had warned that all must wear hash shirts at some point today, and POD had been there with the hash shirts for sale but had left early. Early Withdrawal Award for Lewinsky. The GM wanted to have at least one non-hash shirt wearing criminal sentenced, and launched on Snatch who was wearing suitable running clothes but hadn’t run. Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady had needed some help after the run from Ninja, and he had come to her assistance bare-chested, which gave her a full on view of some Nipponese hairy nipples. It was pointed out that this breached her earlier insistence of being looked in the eye!
Lewinsky was nominated for blocking the steps, according to him ostensibly to safeguard the kids from falling down from the balcony, but as he was observed several times not paying attention a Bad Parenting Award was given. Then there was the incident where Tooth Fairy had nearly brained baby Ninja with a falling cooler lid, and he was joined in his Clumsy Bugger Award by latecummer Pirate Princess.
Screamer was nominated for beating the crap out of a coconut in her attempt to get it open, while Lewinsky insisted that the Captain join in for repeatedly asking for help with the nut opening, even after so many years in Samoa. Horny Ho spotted Chi leaning. Wahoo gave a wholly unnecessary down-down to Poumuli for conking out sleeping after his long trip.
Some of us had observed what looked like a funky whip being dragged about by the kids, so Sassy nominated Tallyho for leaving his sex toys out. Tallyho took the award but pointed out that said whip was not a whip but in fact part of the furniture that the kids had by then destroyed.
Snatch tried to nominate Poumuli for leaving an empty condom packet for his wife to find. In fact this was a packet of chewing gum, so Snatch got a False Accusation Award. She was joined by Charlie for his extensive knowledge of NZ drug stores and the fact that he knew you could find the gum next to the condom section. Sassy nominated Alan for the Dedication to Hash Award, leaving his sick wife at home to come on the run.
Strangler had been at a coffee house in town, and had to wait interminably, with screaming kids running amok, only to find that his wait and torment was due to POD making a coffee for Lewinsky. This was doubled when Horny Ho pointed out that Lewinsky had brought a rusted gas bottle in lieu of the pristine Hash gas bottle. Wahoo got one for eating too early.
The Hare and Host Tallyho was saluted. We also signed a get well card for Curly who has had an unfortunate accident.
Next week’s run will be at Eveready’s. Dress in pink.
Poumuli, IKA Slit