Friday, March 31, 2017

Hash Run 1875

Talofa Hashers
Monday's run will be hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva off Cross Island Road in Motootua. Directly opposite Scallini restaurant, and if coming from town just before Insel Fehmarn Hotel. There are two entrances. If you take the first one, head down the driveway and turn right when it splits into three. Park in front of the house in the back corner (Gagging Diva's house). You can also take the second entrance which will bring you to Screamer's house and there is a bit of parking there too. Hash will be held on the tennis court in the middle of the compound. Map attached.

NOTE: Food will be vegetarian 
We will be back to normal time so run will start at 17.30 or 5.30 PM. Bring your 20 tala Hash Cash and enjoy a new venue for our runs.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1874

The Hash was again hosted at Nafanua restaurant by Witch Doctor and Black Pussy. POD was the de facto live hare and took us on a run out back up to Leififi, across towards the UN and then back home through Vaiala.

POD was GM, and new to Hash were Tui from NZ and Tavita (trying to keep up with the ladies, and then advertising – down down). Retreads were Tua (his dad was an original Hasher – Dr Blunt – brought by someone called Joe), Jess (watching cows in NZ), Phil (fishing) and of course Godfather joined for breach of Hash Rules.

Godfather then recounted the fundraiser he and Dr Blunt had done in the late 70’s running past the soon-to-be-burned to the ground Tivoli Theatre, and raising some $3000 for a sick child’s medevac by running the entire island in one day.

Screamer was appointed Shoe Inspector who found Tua’s spanking new ones. His disbelief lasted until Gayboy filled his shoe, but he drank it.

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady in whose absence Peeping Clam and latecummer Gayboy partook instead. (The press clipping described the Shape of Mele’s Quilt – which made the GM gag).

This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (845 – Paris is sacked by Viking raiders, probably under Ragnar Lodbrok, who collects a huge ransom in exchange for leaving), Crime (Feast Day of St Dismas the Good Thief), Screamer (Feast Day of St Margaret Clitherow) and Peeping Clam (International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing UN Staff Members).

Turning to the GM Awards, Il Capo has again had the tendency to run so hard that she gets the shivers and shakes, so a Stress Award. Keeping on the subject, Il Capo had been talking about her students, and mentioned that one named Tavita was her stupidest student. Thus for all Tavitas everywhere Tavita got the Stupid Award.

Driving from home, the GM had passed the UN building and saw googly eyed Jess run towards Phil, and promptly fell over – Arse over Tit Award. And also at the UN building, while she and Peeping Clam were going to go the long way, Tua decided on the shorter route. While Tua was peeing, Tui helpfully demonstrated how to make him go the long way – by setting off! Tui got the Well Done Award.

Il Capo nominated Nelson for the Criminal Award as she had to call him four times to get his Hash Cash. She also nominated Lewinsky for wearing a sexy skin tight black shirt – Lewinsky joined her in the Helen Keller Award.

Tua then nominated POD, as he had managed to get her number after 5 minutes of making her acquaintance. Gayboy nominated Lewinsky for being too cheap to have ready phone credit. Wahoo hadn’t had a down down so  Poumuli had to take this.

Hosts and hare were saluted, then we had lots of pizza.

Next week will be hosted by Screamer and Gagging Diva in Motootua, and we will be back to 5.30 
PM runs.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1873

The Hash was hosted at Nafanua restaurant by Witch Doctor and Black Pussy. Cockblocker was chosen as the live hare and took us on a yomp along the sea wall to Mulinuu and back. Nuff said, it was hot.

POD was GM, and there were no newbies. Retreads were Sassygirl BJ (off to look for rich men), Lambada and Pavarotti (here ten years ago, back for a break), and Cunning (trying to sort out the son and the man). Shoe inspection failed.

This Day in History Awards went to Sassy (1963: Alcatraz closes), Poumuli (1978: First UNIFIL deployment in Lebanon), POD (International Day of Happiness), Cunning Linguist (1602: Dutch East India Company established), Godfather (1727: Isaac Newton dies), and Lewinsky (St Patrick’s Day – he drove the snakes out of Ireland).

Celebrity Awards went  to Crime (Sheraton paddle race), Il Capo and Peeping Clam (Mt Vaea run).
Turning to the GM Awards, Lewinsky had gotten home late, and no one was ready to go to Hash, when his daughter said “don’t rush me, genius takes time”. Then a Party Pooper Award with Ireland raining on England’s rugby parade – Gagging Diva.

Birthday Awards went to CB and Swinger, the latter accepted by Cunning Linguist. Finally, it was a sad day for the music world, with the death of Chuck Berry. Godfather was asked to play one of his tunes. Poumuli helpfully pointed out the details of the scandal that Berry had been involved in, taking pictures with a spy cam of ladies urinating, surely Peeping Clam. They both took the award to the sounds of Johnny B Goode.

Opening up for nominations, and Sassy was rearing to go. She nominated Mr Whippy for Dedication to Hash – he had come late because he had run from home, then gone on the run trailing the Hashers. Il Capo nominated Pavarotti and Lambada for having been away too long and forgetting about the leaning rule. Witch Doctor was added in for having a faulty tree that needed supporting.
Pavarotti will be leaving again soon, but he demonstrated the origin of his Hash name with a belting rendition of O Sole Mio. Poumuli nominated Sassy for eating her way through New Zealand, as per her Facebook posts.

Poumuli tried to nominate Lewinsky, then had to justify this with a rationale, it being that Lewinsky had ably defused the kerfuffle between the Hash sprogs and the local boys. Both got it. StrapOn upped the ante by reflecting on his Savaii trip where  he had seen the one lorry on the island, dangerously overloaded and unsafe. Proprietor – one Lewinsky.

Nelson got a down down for the hell of it, before the hosts and hare were saluted.
We ate a lot of Nafanua meat in gravy with potatoes.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Hash Trash 1871

The Hash was hosted by Wahoo, Poumuli and Yahoo at their place in Vaoala. It was a sunny and hot day, so the run had been set mostly in the bush. The trail started out behind the house, with a false trail leading up the hill. The trail then went down a similar path to a previous run but it was drier so less slippery. That was until Poumuli’s dog Murdoch decided to follow the pack and throw his 50 kg frame around, causing small avalanches. The trail went across the river and up to the top of the cattle yards, then followed the ridge back down to the corner of Bank Street. A gentle road run down the hill, until the turn and the ford crossing. The trail followed the stream upwards at this point, with several instances where the trail was the stream. Over a small bridge and into an abandoned household we took the dirt road up to Bank Street and on home.

POD was our GM, and called forth the newbies, Erik (brought by Mr Whippy) and Tom (med student from Wales). The retreads were Snip & Tuck, Cunning Linguist, Bubbsy and Mertin.
Shoe Inspector Il Capo zeroed in on Cunning Linguist’s new shiny ones, and he had some tasty river water with the beer.

This Day in History Awards went to Nelson (363 – Roman Emperor Julian moves from Antioch with an army of 90,000 to attack the Sasanian Empire, in a campaign which would bring about his own death), Peeping Clam (1941 – World War II: The United Kingdom launches Operation Claymore on the Lofoten Islands; the first large scale British Commando raid), Screamer (1986 – The Australia Act 1986 commences, causing Australia to become fully independent from the United Kingdom), Gagging Diva (2005 – Margaret Wilson is elected as Speaker of the New Zealand House of Representatives, beginning a period lasting until August 23, 2006 where all the highest political offices (including Elizabeth II as Head of State), were occupied by women, making New Zealand the first country for this to occur) and Witch Doctor (World Wildlife Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Pussysnatcher (Snatched in the paper) and Il Capo (also in paper). Speaking of new shoes cleaned by river water, the GM called forth StrapOn to show off the barbed wire stuck in his shoe. Cunning Linguist attempted to defray this as a false accusation but failed.

On the run, Crime had been swinging from the lianas as the Apeman himself, only to fall arse over tit as it ripped. An Almost Tarzan Award from Cunning Linguist. Sassygirl BJ was absent, but while Marco Polo was in hospital she had visited and also entertained the kids there with some pole dancing! Pirate Princess and other close supporter Il Capo received this one. Godfather commented that he had been asking at what age should breast feeding stop – NEVER!

The GM congratulated Witch Doctor for hosting the Norwegian Deputy Foreign Minister, and asked if meatballs was on the menu. Turning back to the run, the hares were nominated for attempted murder on Godfather and the near crippling of StrapOn. This was narrowed down to the dog owner, so bastard Lewinsky gave him a respectable one.

Witch Doctor nominated Lewinsky for not helping POD down the hill, merely cooing “slide down, wifey”. She also added Gagging Diva who always helps POD and Mertin for not helping at all. Cunning Linguist was then asked to explain what he had been telling the kids, something about “I have big thumbs that go in small holes”.

Il Capo nominated Godfather for offering to wash her bum, and Black Pussy for suggesting she should get a name change to Black Bummy. Godfather was ok with the nomination, but noted that all the Meres had forgot rule number 7 on health and safety, that the most effective cure for bruised ribs was a blowjob. No one had administered this as he lay gasping after his fall which had been caused by Il Capo’s derriere. This caused way too much laughter, so Il Capo and Black Pussy took the award.

Nelson, astounded of this behaviour in a Welshman, nominated Tom for sitting on his glass, and Peeping Clam for bad training. StrapOn nominated Hash businessman Lewinsky for being in business with no email address. This was doubled as wifey had just signed him up on Viber. StrapOn then expressed his admiration and respect for Lewinsky, and while discussing the subject had heard Peeping Clam opine that no one enjoyed Hash unless you disrespected Lewinsky. Poumuli tried to add in Lewinsky but failed.

Gagging Diva attempted a nomination for Bubbsy but failed to get either real or Hash name right. Nelson nominated Lewinsky for helping out with the parking, while Wahoo’s birthday down down was taken by Poumuli.

StrapOn nominated Mr Whippy for coming late yet finishing the run, Captain Mortein for shortcutting and Wahoo’s dad Norman for latecumming.

The hares and hosts, Pussysnatcher, Poumuli and Wahoo were saluted, amidst murmurs that Pussysnatcher should be certified as a weapon of run destruction. We then feasted on all sorts of curry and homemade roti.

No hosts for next week as yet.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Hash Run 1871

Monday's Hash will be hosted by Wahoo, Poumuli and Yahoo at their place in Vaoala. Take Cross Island Road past Mynas, then take a right on Bank Street. Follow Bank Street until it dips down sharply, and take the left onto Atoa Avenue - there is a sign up on the light pole. The house is the last on the right at the top before the great gates.
The hosts will cater, so bring your 20 tala Hash Cash for the keg, and swimwear if you want to take a dip in the pool after the run. Run starts at 1800 hours or 6 PM.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1870

The Hash was hosted by Witch Doctor and Black Pussy at Nafanua Steakhouse. Crime had been bribed into setting the run. It was a rather hot day in town, but as the trail turned into the back roads, most of us were melting freely. We ran through the fire station parking lot and they were helpfully testing their water cannon as well as washing down a parked fire-truck. Several hashers got the French riot treatment. We turned right on the first back road, then left again at Pinatis. On we slogged in the wet and humid and sweaty and dripping heat, passing the original Sunrise Restaurant, purveyors of fine sweet and sour cat, then another right and left again on the clocktower road up to the airport road. From thence we shall judge the quicken and sweaty, as the trail then led up to Rokos, and off over to the Cross Island Road. The human hashers ran straight back from there, while the super-wenches ran over to the UN and then back along Beach Road. Oh lord those nuts tasted sweet.

Nelson was dobbed in as GM to a sitting circle. There were no newbies, but the retreads were Slim Shady, Nelson and Black Pussy. Screamer was appointed Shoe Inspector, and Godfather brought forth his new work shoes on the off chance that he may need to use them for Hash. Screamer joined him for her efficient persuasion in convincing Titty Galore for giving up the goods on Godfather.

This day in History Awards went to Titty Galore (1692 – Sarah Good, Sarah Osborne and Tituba are brought before local magistrates in Salem Village, Massachusetts, beginning what would become known as the Salem witch trials), Poumuli for Yahoo (1995 – Yahoo! is incorporated), Lewinsky (for his godfather - 2003 – The International Criminal Court holds its inaugural session in The Hague), Il Capo (2010 – Unknown criminals pour more than 2.5 million liters of diesel oil and other hydrocarbons into the river Lambro, in northern Italy, sparking an environmental disaster), POD (Feast Day of St Isabelle), Slim Shady (International Anosmia Awareness Day) and Witch Doctor (International Polar Bear Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (photo in the paper with FLO). Snatched had also been in the paper, but was not present, so since it was for a code of ethics Crime took the award.

The GM opened for his awards, noting that we can all look after our parents and for some reason straying into Brooklyn teenage girls shopping, where apparently a shop called Screaming Mimis had been the haberdasher of choice for Slim Shady.

The GM asked Witch Doctor to step forward to show off Black Pussy’s shirt that she was wearing, noting that there was a white triangle where the mimi should be. They both took this award as Poumuli explained the reaction of the Moroccan print shop to his request for the embossment.

Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Godfather for the Safety Conscious Award for putting on the child safety locks while Titty Galore was in the back seat. Frances stepped in and showed everyone the programme for the Disability Forum, at which she had been told by Poumuli that he would be a speaker. But he was not in the program, yet bullied his way onto the panel and nearly made the moderator cry. In his defence he stated that he thought the lady was deaf and not blind, hence his loud voice, which made it a double.

Speedhumper was then called forth by the GM for causing so much distress in the Tauese area with her stretching mimi exercises. She then demonstrated.
Slim Shady had been concerned for the well being of Lewinsky after the run, to the point of giving him cold compresses and sweet nothings, and gave him the Don’t Die Before The Wife Returns Award.

He also had a Gorgeous Snobs Award (your Scribe had this down as Knobs initially), which went to Titty Galore for only wanting the VIP seats at the circus, and Slim Shady for refusing to frequent Sienna’s due to the faeces on the toilet walls. She noted that she had already invited the National Geographic Channel for a tour there.

POD gave a Commiseration Award to Peeping Clam, who was so bored without Noms that she went for a run by herself on Sunday morning. Nelson then tried to get a down down for Lewinsky for his performance at the Sinalei Beach Bash, not knowing that this had been awarded last week, but nevertheless POD scored one for not keeping Lewinsky stiff.

Crime had been our Hare, but was deeply unhappy about the Taula that was on tap, as was your Scribe, so he was given a Grumpy Award which went down at the usual speed. We thanked Nelson as our GM for the evening, and saluted the hosts and hare. Mr Whippy got one for not getting one. We also sang the Hash Anthem for Frances and Slippery who are going back to Tonga to wear black for a year.

Witch Doctor then invited us for a feast of meatballs, pasta, chicken, and schnitzel, as well as the multi-coloured sausages from Speedhumper.

Next week will be hosted by Poumuli, Wahoo and Yahoo at Vaoala.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit