Hash Trash 1843

And yet again the Hash was gathered at the Nafanua Steakhouse, hosted by Witch Doctor and Vikki, on a very warm day. Inspiring mixed metaphors abounded, so all seriousness aside, the run will be scribed, not televised. With the awfuluality of the heat, the Hashers were rorting to go and get it over with so that nuts could be sucked down. Crime had set the run, so we turned left away from the Police station. The trail went right at ANZ, then crossed over to continue down towards the airport road. With ingenuity born of literacy, POD led the pack as it meandered lonely as a cloud through the Apia streets down to the Vaitele road. Literally the road to nowhere, it goes around the island entirely, which for some seemed to be whence we were headed. Not I, brown cow, the on on sounded, and the pack continued towards the hospital road. Upon being the recipient of great hospitality with another Hash, one Hasher had welcomed a reciprocal visit, during which we would hospitalise you. The trail now turned to Beach Road, and on home.

POD was our GM, and stepped into the tight circle, framed by the necessity to see from the single light, and fear from combustion from the open spitting BBQ flames being manned by Crime. Those new to Apia Hash were summoned first. These were Jarrod, Simon, Kate, Jack and Mike – medicos, Alex (Italian), Marcel and Wim (brought by Cunning Linguist) and Kavon brought by someone named James. Swinger was joined by Silver Bullet (David medico’s childhood Hash name) for cellphonus.

Retreads were Screamer (in Suva), Cunning Linguist (Tokelau), Skunk (NZ) and Angry Bird (chasing birds). Karaoke was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed but passed it on to Snake for poor torch handling.

Celebrity awards went to Godfather (photo of Slim Shady “launching the torpedoes” in the words of Eveready), Cunning Linguist (expose on Tokelau’s eating habits) and Angry Bird (story about him making local birds miffed).

This Day In History Awards went to Witch Doctor (1612 – The trial of the Pendle witches, one of England's most famous witch trials, begins at Lancaster Assizes), Swinger (1770 – James Cook formally claims eastern Australia for Great Britain, naming it New South Wales), one of the medicos (1942 – World War II: Operation Jubilee: The 2nd Canadian Infantry Division leads an amphibious assault by allied forces on Dieppe, France and fails, many Canadians are killed or captured. The operation was intended to develop and try new amphibious landing tactics for the coming full invasion in Normandy), Poumuli and Screamer (2004 – Versions of The Scream and Madonna, two paintings by Edvard Munch, are stolen at gunpoint from a museum in Oslo, Norway) and Cockblocker (World Humanitarian Day).

A Facebook Award to Alcatraz and Son Of The Bitch for the birth of their daughter Sophia Elizabeth – to the Best Man (?) Lewinsky, Prue and Alex for being good swimmers.

Turning to the Olympics, Skunk got a medal for leaning, then for the youngest Olympian – Wahoo for Yahoo, for oldest Olympian winner (with one lung missing) – our prime smoker Crime. For the host Rio, the best Brazilian Wax went to Snake, with a special mention for Sunny Side Up for the dastardly Yank swimmer.

Godfather was asked to step forward for an explanation as to why, being the High Matai of the Hash he was unable to read in Samoan? Apparently he had gone straight into the ladies room. His explanation that at his age he can only read the first four letters of anything, while amusing, did not save him from the award.

The GM had been fishing for dirt before the circle and had asked Captain Mortein who responded that no, he had been a loving caring husband all week. But apparently his definition of this would allow him to swim up to his wife and pee on her, thus a Golden Shower Award. Finally, Prue had some trouble opening the coconut, and when the GM demonstrated and pointed where she should hit, she pummelled the GM’s finger.

Opening up for nominations, Cunning Linguist congratulated Crime for excellent delegation of service. StrapOn nominated Il Capo for getting stung by so many bees on Sunday, yet making it to the run. Poumuli wanted to include Captain Mortein for being derelict in administering the more traditional ant-bee sting method, seeing that he had been rather full of the necessary means to do so. Didn’t work.

Poumuli then nominated Lewinsky. Why spake the GM? Guilty came the cry from the circle.

Angry Bird recounted how he had been babysitting Marco Polo on Sunday and had asked the father if he was allergic to nuts. No no no, until Pirate Princess came running over to stop it from a real disaster. Swinger defended the Captain by mentioning that Angry Bird had lost Leo on the beach.

Cunning Linguist nominated Wim for having hosted many Hash runs in Indonesia but never getting a name, and Marcel for never going to one of them – they are brothers. StrapOn wanted to nominate Godfather for the amazing spread that he and Titty Galore had put on for the Father’s Day Hash. While grateful for the recognition, Godfather pointed out that all Hashes he has been to have had amazing food. Thus StrapOn got the Picking on Godfather Award.

Next week’s run will be at Cougar and Crash Bandicoot’s in Alofua. Watch the blog.

The hosts and hare – Witch Doctor, Vikki and Crime were saluted before we enjoyed a good spread of what Nafanua has to offer.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit