Monday, September 17, 2012

Hash Trash 1639

Apologies for delayed posting - Poumuli, IKA Slit

There are probably many people who think that the Hash is made up of aliens, general misfits and those who are “other-worldly” in their pursuit of the true-trail, shredded-paper and the holy-grail of the fluid of sustenance.  This week it may indeed have seemed this way even to some of the hashmen and hashmeres as they plodded in the nether regions of Vaitele for the second week running; were we in a parallel universe, a mirror image of the one in which we had followed Snake & Skunk’s paper and trail the previous week. From Snakepit2 we had turned right, right again, zig-zagged about a bit, down the hill and then up again, we woke up all the dogs in the eastern bit of Vaitele, went through a bit of bush and then after a long run home finally ended up back at the keg. This week in Transporter’s wrecked car yard it was easy to imagine that we were in another world where the toiling workers worship a broken-down ambulance which could be seen lofted high in a citadel that was full of other such false-idols of broken-down vehicles, rusty machines and piles of twisted wires – was this where “transformers” are created, was the ambulance a new time-machine, the home of a new Time Lord to replace Dr Who’s phone-box; is Transporter an alien.
As the pack milled about in Transporter’s yard like a bunch of short-circuiting daleks, our own Time Lord, GM SOTB, on-time for once, called us to order. Out-of-the-gate turn left and follow the paper he commanded, with the added caveat that there would be no red-ribbons or other confusions on the trail this week. And so the pack went out of the gate turned left, turned left again, zig-zagged about a bit, up the hill and then down again, woke up all the dogs in the western half of Vaitele, went round the old quarry and a after another long run home we ended up back at the keg. It was as if we had followed the mirror image of last week’s trail warped only by a different space-time continuum, being the next Monday; and as the Time Lording GM called the circle after the run your scribe clearly saw a shooting-star flashing across the sky – it was no doubt a sign from Transporter’s alien masters; did anyone see the ambulance levitate I wonder …………..
And so to the ceremonials; first to come into the circle as usual were the new-footprints and hash virgins, Natalie, Charles, Adam (sister of Lucy), Dave from Westpac and Andrew and a young mere whose name your Scribe cannot decipher who were introduced by Brazilian. Following this lot were the usual bunch of failures and retreads: Top Shelf had been in US, Brazilian had been bobbing around on Gaualofa, GayBoy had been doing something with Dumbass and Prince who just a late-cummer again.
Although the perimeter run happened nearly two weeks ago the celebrities still keep appearing the paper, so this week is was Annie, Brent, Owen, Lucy, Sassy and Natalie for somehow all featuring somewhere.
Shoe -inspector Lewinsky was as desperate as ever to perve the legs of all the meres and demonstrate his macho ability to sniff a new boot at ten paces. Finally he picked on Annie, who claimed that she had already worn her runners on the perimeter run and the previous week, but Lewinsky would have none of this so Annie took her punishment. Next was the Bad Parenting Award to POD for leaving her mewling kids with ProBoner while she went to watch the boxing, no doubt hoping to get some tips in order to sort Lewinsky out when he comes home late wanting to be frisky. GayBoy was the next to have the bone pointed; according to unreliable reports he was the token “woman” in the one of Riggamuffin rowing crews…. Remember Rule 1.
In This Day in History this week we had Elvis Presley's 1st appearance on Ed Sullivan's Show in 1955 and a year later his first appearance on national tv in USA; Ozzie was the clear choice for this one. In 1895 Mike the headless chook finally died in USA after apparently choking on a pea; since there had been a lot of headless-chook checking by the inexperienced FRBs today by popular acclaim Neil was dobbed for this one. And if you lot of smirkers think your scribe makes this stuff up Top Shelf confirmed that in Colorado they have a public holiday to commemorate this headless chook… go figure but it is in the US after all. And finally this week it had been Pippa Middleton’s birthday. During the run your Scribe had been comparing Pippa’s well-known attributes with those of the meres in the pack. Since none was wearing a long white dress it had to be settled by the all-black ensemble worn by Cecilia; and any other similarities between Cecilia’s rear-end and Pippa’s rear-end were purely in your Scribe’s dreams for the rest of the night……..
Horny Ho was the next to try her luck with a dob; as ever she was unable to take her eyes off Tallyho’s air-conditioned shorts, what is it with HH. Everyone knows Tallyho has a wonderful physique and a sexy arse but every week HH gets excited. And while the circle was considering Tallyho’s attributes WestPac Dave was brought into the circle for apparently giving his missus Red Bull and Viagra to help their baby sleep. However since Lewinsky had failed to instruct Dave on the DD protocol he too took one for failure to instruct.
Nina, this week’s leaver was next in the circle, followed by Transporter for the definite suspicion of having set the run from a chariot, or more likely some sort of UFO from amongst the wrecks in his yard. Rod and GayBoy were next to feel the wrath of the circle for short-cutting, so what’s new. Brent then had a minor dummy-spit at Joel, James and Charlotte for asking to be picked-up but then not being ready so they almost missed the run.
By this time it seemed that Lewinsky was becoming “tired and emotional” and he became confused between Treasure Garden and Sunrise when trying to dob GayBoy for something or other. And having yet another DD did not improve Lewinsky’s performance for the rest of the evening. ProBoner next called Horny Ho into the circle for her birthday; Toa’i was now the one getting confused somehow confusing Tallyho with Horny Ho and she too ended up with a mug of the fluid of sustenance.
Suddenly there was a mighty rushing wind and the Hash Monk appeared as if dropped from a UFO or perhaps transmogrified in Transporter’s ambulance.
Hash Signs
Regular clumps or strands of hashpaper/flour or double chalk arrows; you’re on the trail, stick with it, you can’t go wrong if you are on-paper unless you cum across:-
Circle of paper; this is a hash check, check for the true trail in all directions, this will be signified by the reappearance of regular paper, but look out for:
X (Crossed paper); you are on a  False trail, check back to last sighting of paper or last hash check and search for the true trail; listen for cries of “On On”
HH; indicates a Hash Halt, stop and wait till the BRB’s and BWB’s have caught up, unless they make no effort to run, in which case leave the bastards behind. However breaking hashhalt before the on-on command is a dobbable offence
Paper stops, same as X you’re on a falsie, check back and search for the true trail,
Paper scattered all over the trail; some little kid has destroyed a check or X, (or a dog has eaten the flour) use initiative, or give up and return to keg
Single chalk arrow: take care Crime or Kiwi are around somewhere and are up to mischief, if the arrow points to the fluid of sustenance follow it, if not then head for the fluid of sustenance anyway
No paper and it’s getting dark; you’re lost; head for the setting sun or the keg of the fluid of sustenance, whichever is closer.
Hash Abbreviations
FRB   -   Front Running Bastards (e.g. CB, Pussy Snatcher, Prince, Sex Pot, Gay Boy, Strangler, Tallyho,  and other such fine hashmen)
FWB   -   Front Walking Bastards (only found at the start of the run as the pack shambles off in search of paper, e.g. Karaoke, Eveready, Sassy and most of the hash-meres; these usually becomes BWBs by the end of the run
MRB  -   Middle Running Bastards (solid hashmen all: including Godfather, Crime, SOTB & Lewinsky (occasionally), Ozzie, Swinger, Toothfairy and a few of the hash meres e.g. Desperate Housewife, POD, Hornithologist and Ring Ring)
BRB   -   Back Running Bastards (Snake, Weathercock, Tomorrow and some of the meres e.g. Today, Hippy and Sassy – when she’s not a NRB)
BWB  -   Back Walking Bastards (Eveready, and the rest of the hashmeres e.g. Horny Ho & Slim Shady)
SCB   -   Short Cutting Bastards (Snake, Transporter & Crime when they’re not BRB or MRB)
NRB   -   Non Running Bastards (usually found already lurking by the keg when the FRBs get back from the run, e.g. Slippery, SOTB when he’s not an MRB, ProBoner & Lewinsky.
After the Monk’s usual tirade telling the circle what a slack bunch of bastards we all are and what a pain-in-the-butt it is to have to come all the way to Apia Hash from the fleshpots of Khartoum or wherever it is Monks usually hang-out, it was announced that we had some namings today. In the background the sacred anointing oils were being prepared and the first to kneel before the Monk were Cecilia and Toa’i. The circle waited in a state of growing excitement as the Monk pronounced that from this day forward the AHHH’s very own doctor would be called “Goldfinger” …. No prizes for guessing why. Having seen her sister disappear in a cloud of the Monk’s magic powder Toa’i was now is a state of feverish excitement at the prospect of her own anointment…. From this day forward she would be known as “Low-rider” and would always be hitched to and getting a ride with “Transporter”.  All those in the circle without hashnames were now glancing round nervously… who would the Monk summon next to kneel and be anointed. The Monk’s beady eye alighted on Frances and Owen, there was a look of some anguish in their eyes, but they boldly stepped forward. First Frances; “thou shalt be called “Hippy” intoned the Monk as the sacred oil and flour were gently massaged into her hair, next was Owen “and you will henceforth be known as Stick”. The Monk then chanted some words to explain to the HashGods why these names had been chosen but the words were carried away into the night sky so we shall never probably know what was going on in the mind of the Monk. But then no-one ever knows what’s going on in the Monk’s mind, least of all the Monk.
GayBoy suddenly leapt on the Monk and then embraced Prince and all three drank of the fluid of sustenance. Finally as ever the Hare and Host entered the circle and Transporter did his bit for a good run and tasty snags as usual.
For the benefit of all the new hashmen and hashmeres your Scribe has included two information boxes on Hash Abbreviations and Hash Signs so next week there should be no headless-chook checking from the FRBs
On on and Toodle Pip

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