There are probably many people who think
that the Hash is made up of aliens, general misfits and those who are
“other-worldly” in their pursuit of the true-trail, shredded-paper and the
holy-grail of the fluid of sustenance.
This week it may indeed have seemed this way even to some of the hashmen
and hashmeres as they plodded in the nether regions of Vaitele for the second
week running; were we in a parallel universe, a mirror image of the one in
which we had followed Snake & Skunk’s paper and trail the previous week.
From Snakepit2 we had turned right, right again, zig-zagged about a bit, down
the hill and then up again, we woke up all the dogs in the eastern bit of
Vaitele, went through a bit of bush and then after a long run home finally
ended up back at the keg. This week in Transporter’s wrecked car yard it was
easy to imagine that we were in another world where the toiling workers worship
a broken-down ambulance which could be seen lofted high in a citadel that was
full of other such false-idols of broken-down vehicles, rusty machines and
piles of twisted wires – was this where “transformers” are created, was the ambulance
a new time-machine, the home of a new Time Lord to replace Dr Who’s phone-box;
is Transporter an alien.
As the pack milled about in Transporter’s
yard like a bunch of short-circuiting daleks, our own Time Lord, GM SOTB, on-time
for once, called us to order. Out-of-the-gate turn left and follow the paper he
commanded, with the added caveat that there would be no red-ribbons or other
confusions on the trail this week. And so the pack went out of the gate turned
left, turned left again, zig-zagged about a bit, up the hill and then down
again, woke up all the dogs in the western half of Vaitele, went round the old
quarry and a after another long run home we ended up back at the keg. It was as
if we had followed the mirror image of last week’s trail warped only by a
different space-time continuum, being the next Monday; and as the Time Lording
GM called the circle after the run your scribe clearly saw a shooting-star
flashing across the sky – it was no doubt a sign from Transporter’s alien
masters; did anyone see the ambulance levitate I wonder …………..
And so to the ceremonials; first to come
into the circle as usual were the new-footprints and hash virgins, Natalie,
Charles, Adam (sister of Lucy), Dave from Westpac and Andrew and a young mere
whose name your Scribe cannot decipher who were introduced by Brazilian. Following
this lot were the usual bunch of failures and retreads: Top Shelf had been in
US, Brazilian had been bobbing around on Gaualofa, GayBoy had been doing
something with Dumbass and Prince who just a late-cummer again.
Although the perimeter run happened nearly
two weeks ago the celebrities still keep appearing the paper, so this week is
was Annie, Brent, Owen, Lucy, Sassy and Natalie for somehow all featuring
somewhere.
Shoe -inspector Lewinsky was as desperate
as ever to perve the legs of all the meres and demonstrate his macho ability to
sniff a new boot at ten paces. Finally he picked on Annie, who claimed that she
had already worn her runners on the perimeter run and the previous week, but
Lewinsky would have none of this so Annie took her punishment. Next was the Bad
Parenting Award to POD for leaving her mewling kids with ProBoner while she
went to watch the boxing, no doubt hoping to get some tips in order to sort Lewinsky
out when he comes home late wanting to be frisky. GayBoy was the next to have
the bone pointed; according to unreliable reports he was the token “woman” in
the one of Riggamuffin rowing crews…. Remember Rule 1.
In This
Day in History this week we had Elvis Presley's
1st appearance on Ed Sullivan's Show in 1955 and a year later his first
appearance on national tv in USA; Ozzie was the clear choice for this one. In
1895 Mike the headless chook finally died in USA after apparently choking on a
pea; since there had been a lot of headless-chook checking by the inexperienced
FRBs today by popular acclaim Neil was dobbed for this one. And if you lot of
smirkers think your scribe makes this stuff up Top Shelf confirmed that in
Colorado they have a public holiday to commemorate this headless chook… go
figure but it is in the US after all. And finally this week it had been Pippa
Middleton’s birthday. During the run your Scribe had been comparing Pippa’s
well-known attributes with those of the meres in the pack. Since none was
wearing a long white dress it had to be settled by the all-black ensemble worn
by Cecilia; and any other similarities between Cecilia’s rear-end and Pippa’s
rear-end were purely in your Scribe’s dreams for the rest of the night……..
Horny Ho was the next to try her luck with
a dob; as ever she was unable to take her eyes off Tallyho’s air-conditioned
shorts, what is it with HH. Everyone knows Tallyho has a wonderful physique and
a sexy arse but every week HH gets excited. And while the circle was
considering Tallyho’s attributes WestPac Dave was brought into the circle for
apparently giving his missus Red Bull and Viagra to help their baby sleep.
However since Lewinsky had failed to instruct Dave on the DD protocol he too
took one for failure to instruct.
Nina, this week’s leaver was next in the
circle, followed by Transporter for the definite suspicion of having set the
run from a chariot, or more likely some sort of UFO from amongst the wrecks in
his yard. Rod and GayBoy were next to feel the wrath of the circle for
short-cutting, so what’s new. Brent then had a minor dummy-spit at Joel, James
and Charlotte for asking to be picked-up but then not being ready so they
almost missed the run.
By this time it seemed that Lewinsky was becoming
“tired and emotional” and he became confused between Treasure Garden and
Sunrise when trying to dob GayBoy for something or other. And having yet
another DD did not improve Lewinsky’s performance for the rest of the evening.
ProBoner next called Horny Ho into the circle for her birthday; Toa’i was now
the one getting confused somehow confusing Tallyho with Horny Ho and she too
ended up with a mug of the fluid of sustenance.
Suddenly there was a mighty rushing wind
and the Hash Monk appeared as if dropped from a UFO or perhaps transmogrified in
Transporter’s ambulance.
|
Hash
Signs
Regular
clumps or strands of hashpaper/flour or double chalk arrows;
you’re on the trail, stick with it, you can’t go wrong if you are on-paper
unless you cum across:-
Circle
of paper; this is a hash
check, check for the true trail in all directions, this will be signified
by the reappearance of regular paper, but look out for:
X
(Crossed paper); you are on a False trail, check back to last sighting
of paper or last hash check and search for the true trail; listen for cries
of “On On”
HH;
indicates a Hash Halt, stop and
wait till the BRB’s and BWB’s have caught up, unless they make no effort to
run, in which case leave the bastards behind. However breaking hashhalt
before the on-on command is a dobbable offence
Paper
stops, same as X you’re
on a falsie, check back and search for the true trail,
Paper
scattered all over the trail; some little kid has destroyed a
check or X, (or a dog has eaten the flour) use initiative, or give up and
return to keg
Single
chalk arrow: take care Crime or Kiwi are around somewhere and are up
to mischief, if the arrow points to the fluid of sustenance follow it, if not
then head for the fluid of sustenance anyway
No
paper and it’s getting dark; you’re lost; head for the
setting sun or the keg of the fluid of sustenance, whichever is closer.
|
|
Hash Abbreviations
FRB - Front
Running Bastards (e.g. CB, Pussy Snatcher, Prince, Sex Pot, Gay Boy,
Strangler, Tallyho, and other such
fine hashmen)
FWB - Front
Walking Bastards (only found at the start of the run as the pack shambles off
in search of paper, e.g. Karaoke, Eveready, Sassy and most of the hash-meres;
these usually becomes BWBs by the end of the run
MRB - Middle
Running Bastards (solid hashmen all: including Godfather, Crime, SOTB &
Lewinsky (occasionally), Ozzie, Swinger, Toothfairy and a few of the hash
meres e.g. Desperate Housewife, POD, Hornithologist and Ring Ring)
BRB - Back
Running Bastards (Snake, Weathercock, Tomorrow and some of the meres e.g.
Today, Hippy and Sassy – when she’s not a NRB)
BWB - Back
Walking Bastards (Eveready, and the rest of the hashmeres e.g. Horny Ho &
Slim Shady)
SCB - Short
Cutting Bastards (Snake, Transporter & Crime when they’re not BRB or MRB)
NRB - Non
Running Bastards (usually found already lurking by the keg when the FRBs get
back from the run, e.g. Slippery, SOTB when he’s not an MRB, ProBoner &
Lewinsky.
|
After the Monk’s usual tirade telling the
circle what a slack bunch of bastards we all are and what a pain-in-the-butt it
is to have to come all the way to Apia Hash from the fleshpots of Khartoum or
wherever it is Monks usually hang-out, it was announced that we had some
namings today. In the background the sacred anointing oils were being prepared
and the first to kneel before the Monk were Cecilia and Toa’i. The circle
waited in a state of growing excitement as the Monk pronounced that from this
day forward the AHHH’s very own doctor would be called “Goldfinger” …. No
prizes for guessing why. Having seen her sister disappear in a cloud of the
Monk’s magic powder Toa’i was now is a state of feverish excitement at the
prospect of her own anointment…. From this day forward she would be known as “Low-rider”
and would always be hitched to and getting a ride with “Transporter”. All those in the circle without hashnames were
now glancing round nervously… who would the Monk summon next to kneel and be
anointed. The Monk’s beady eye alighted on Frances and Owen, there was a look
of some anguish in their eyes, but they boldly stepped forward. First Frances; “thou
shalt be called “Hippy” intoned the Monk as the sacred oil and flour were
gently massaged into her hair, next was Owen “and you will henceforth be known
as Stick”. The Monk then chanted some words to explain to the HashGods why
these names had been chosen but the words were carried away into the night sky
so we shall never probably know what was going on in the mind of the Monk. But
then no-one ever knows what’s going on in the Monk’s mind, least of all the
Monk.
GayBoy suddenly leapt on the Monk and then embraced
Prince and all three drank of the fluid of sustenance. Finally as ever the Hare
and Host entered the circle and Transporter did his bit for a good run and
tasty snags as usual.
For the benefit of all the new hashmen and
hashmeres your Scribe has included two information boxes on Hash Abbreviations
and Hash Signs so next week there should be no headless-chook checking from the
FRBs
On on and Toodle Pip
Tallyho
No comments:
Post a Comment