Welcome to this episode of Living Planet where we will be visiting a long lost tribe of misfortunate runners wearing illusions of grandeur. The Apia Hash has been running for 30 years in a strange ritual of following bits of paper strewn by a carefully selected member of the tribe, known as the lepus samoaensis, or hare. The paper, made from carefully selected and processed cellulose, is shredded to a certain quality before being strewn. Oh, I am being told that there has been a processing fault in the tribe’s workshop so that for this run they will be using the bare woodchips. It’s a rare honour for us to witness this more primitive form of the ritual. And they are off, lets try and keep up with them, watch out for that branch, ouch. Oh dear, it seems like we have found a so-called false trail, and we are being showed aside by the massed tribe. A particularly massive individual greeted me just then with the famous one finger salute of the tribe. Now we are running through what appears to be someone’s garden, and you will notice the tribe daintily sidestepping the plants, except that one there that slipped. It’s a fascinating display, combined mystery with their guttural chant of “on gong” by the sounds of it. The trail appears to be culminating in a climax now and the speed appears to be picking up, evidently the scent of their reward – the golden nectar of Vailima – is so powerful that these lowly creatures have honed their senses to the maximum. And there we are – the tribe slowly reunites around the prized keg and await being called into a circle for the devotions.
Ah well. The GM, SOTB called the circle to order and asked if there were anyone new to Hash. There was Scott here on holiday who had just met a random guy in the pub and been brought to Hash by Rohan. Then there was Lewinsky’s cousin Alex from NZ, so the GM ordered a round for them both. The rethreads were Dizzy, Curly, Ramo, Buzzed, Hooker Lua and Olsen. Pitiful excuses so they all had to drink.
Celebrity Awards went to 9’er (famous father in the paper – taken by Kat), FBI (Rock the Boat ad – taken by Crash Bandicoot), Swinger (longwinded letter to the editor – taken by Snake) and Mike (full page ad with photo-shopped picture). For this day in history we celebrated the feast day of St Malo (token Samoan Eveready), the feast day of St Margaret (by spouse Snake), 1938 LSD was first produced in Switzerland (Ben), 2000 Bill Clinton is first US president to visit Vietnam after war but without Lewinsky (Lewinsky), and in honour of World Kindness Day the GM took the award for being the least kind in the hash.
Turning to his long list of dubious awards, the GM had been informed by the bouncers at Ynot that two ladies, one a hasher, had been departing the club late one evening, still dressed to the nines, and had been accosted by calls for “hey baby wanna have a good time” from from young men across the street. While the hash mere was seriously considering the offers on hand, however, her friend shooed them away with a tirade of Samoan swearing. A Cradlesnatching Blocked Award to Hooker Lua.
At the start of the run one new hash mere had shown up without shoes and had borrowed some from the host. These were clearly brand spanking new, so Alex and Ring Ring had to drink from them, with Ring Ring doing a double for forgetting her hat was on. Then there was the utterly spurious allegation that Poumuli had been strip searched by the customs officials for bringing in the 217 t-shirts. This is untrue, as they were told that your Scribe is a heavy sweater and these were all for personal use.
We had all read in the papers that two new police stations were being established around the country, and what for? Surely to stop Crime and Crash! Get In Gaol Awards for the two of them. Then there was the article about the really huge marlin, but which had none of the accomplished hash fishers involved. Hooker Lua and Lewinsky got the Bad Luck Award.
Godfather was sadly absent this week, and his scrumptious sweet nuts were sorely missed, but none so more than the absence of the ukulele. At least that partially drowns out the caterwauling of Strangler, but this week he was standing next to the equally sonically impaired Dizzy. The combined effect of their efforts drove Mini-Ninja to dash for the street and scared the wits out of the already muted hound chained at the back. Roll Over Beethoven Awards to the lot.
Opening up for nominations, Sassygirl BJ was quick off the mark and nominated Crash for impinging on her maestro duties by starting the song too early. Poumuli nominated Mike for not being able to read biblical jargon, but then again he is Australian so this one should have been commuted. And a latecummer award to Hot Rod.
Screamer nominated Poumuli for leaving the Hash for several weeks, but she got added in for being jealous at being left out of the delegation. Several hand gestures were exchanged. Poumuli then nominated Eveready for being surprised that the Scribe knew bible jargon, but this ended up on the GM instead.
Sassy had observed one hasher arriving with some guests and then being late had run off while leaving them to wander in the bush. Unhashmanlike Behaviour Award to Zsa Zsa, who also saw the re-introduction of the ice seat for being the last to pay hash cash and for taking his money out of what appeared to be his bum crack. His friends were introduced, Ivana from Czech Republic and Antonio from Spain, who helpfully reinserted some of the ice that had fallen from Zsa Zsa’s seat.
The GM had found his wits again, apparently they had been lying in the melting pool of Zsa Zsa’s crack, and nominated Lewinsky for non-compliance with the new liquor laws. Kat nominated Sassy as no one else had – fair enough. Rohan got caught leaning and this was doubled as Sassy put her hat on his head.
Then the GM really outshone himself in terms of his STASI-like network of spies. Apparently the offspring of one hasher had groped a certain hash mere, without the husband reacting. Come on, it was a three-year old child. Anyway, Poumuli got the Ignorant Spouse Award while Ben scored another Father of the Year Award.
Spanky had been fascinated by Ida’s toe socks and slippers, and called for an award. However, this was deemed to be culturally insensitive, so she had to join in, and her protests garnered her the Dome of Silence.
Ninja, in proud possession of the Angry Chicken Hat, was finally able to bestow this upon Zsa Zsa, at the request of a fellow Hungarian. Zsa Zsa then accused the GM for playing with a dildo app on his phone during a hash mini circle in Suva, but the vote saw both of them take it. Nicole got a leaner award, while Poumuli snuck in a last award for Ted for rigging up a sail boat and it setting off – without him!
The Hare and Hosts, Buzzer and Ring Ring were saluted for a marvellous tough run through the bushes, before we ascended on the bulging table.
Finally, a t-shirt fit for Sassy!
Poumuli, IKA Slit