(Democratic People’s Republic News Agency – Letogopyaong) 인사말 자본주의 개를 실행!
The Dear Leader summoned the Hash to the Great Hall of the Peoples Sassanid Palace in Letogopyaong this Monday. Flanked by Party Chairman, Dear Brother Damien-Un, and the First Mother, The Dear Leader offered fraternal greetings to the Hashers and pledged continued cooperation and development for mutual benefit. He stressed that greater efforts would be made on poverty eradication, by eradicating crime (Crime was shot), and on implementing the “Four Comprehensives”- comprehensively building a moderately prosperous Hash, deepening reform of Mismanagement, advancing the rule of law (Crime was shot again), and strictly governing the Hash partying. He noted that in adhering to and improving the system of the Hash, we must unwaveringly uphold Mismanagement leadership and develop it through practice to ensure that it advances with the times.
An offering of food would later be brought from the Peoples Workers Cooperative Bakery in Lotopa-do. In a related incident the Chairman of that Cooperatives Workers Committee was later tried and executed for treason to the state by not supplying enough guacamole to reach the mandates set by the current five year development plan. The Dear Leader commended the leadership of the current Troika of Mismanagement for its clear vision of cooperatively progressing in a fraternal and social manner the Vision of the Dear Leader in laying a trail down for the peoples masses to follow, leading down the East Coast Road and into the setting sun of prosperity. Rewarded by the refreshment of their own sweat, the masses were guided by the benign wisdom of the Dear Leader to turn to the left as determined by socialist history. They turned left and they travelled ever upward until the main tar sealed road was replaced by the workers ideal – the muddy track. It is through connecting to the soil in a figurative (and in this case literal) manner that we will cast aside the bourgeois manners of the capitalist running dogs. Steadfastly moving ever upwards the masses were led across three workers fords, were the patriotic leaches assisted in removing excess mud and blood from the masses. Summary executions were meted out to stragglers to the cause of moving ever upwards downwards towards the 5th Workers Cooperative Council for Bovine Extraction. Unfortunately some of the masses lost their way, and were shot (Crime was shot yet again). Guided by the trail of the vision, the masses were led ever upwards downwards. Upon re-entering the Great Hall of the Peoples Sassanid Palace, the assembled partying officials who had not joined the Great March of Hash Prosperity hailed the returning Hash masses as successful proponents of workers dignity and progenitors for further cooperation and development for mutual benefit. The Dear Leader then dispensed gifts in the form of the Fruits of the Loins of the Chairman of the Workers and Intelligentsia Cooperative Retreat who is also the Democratic People’s Naming Ceremony Officiator.
POD as GM called the circle to order, and as there were so many new to Hash laid out some of the rules. Then she called the newbies forward – these were Tony (Canadian in Cambodia brought by Murray), Andrew and Clare brought by Alcatraz, and Jeff and Elizabeth the parents of Alcatraz. The retreads were Alcatraz (preparing wedding), Bonecrusher and Jo (living the Kiwi dream, in Oz), Snatched (pants wearing), Strangler (long holiday), Overstayer (returned to Oz), Desperate Housewife and Sexpot (over in Fiji), Mad Hatter (out of India), SOTB (sex slave), Damien (big appleing), Fox and Hornithologist.
Iapi was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed, in lieu of Alcatraz bringing her shoes back next week. Celebrity Awards went to Hooker Lua (cancer society story, taken by Sassygirl BJ), Prince and Poumuli (for story on SPREP workshop) and Lewinsky (Clinton portrait and the blue dress).
This Day in History Awards went to Sassy, SOTB and Damien (363 – Roman Emperor Julian moves from Antioch with an army of 90,000 to attack the Sassanid Empire, in a campaign which would bring about his own death), Twin Peaks (1977 – Rings of Uranus: Astronomers discover rings around Uranus – should have been for Gayboy, but Poumuli pointed out the Yahoo calls Twin Peaks Aunty Bruce).
The GM turned to her awards for the run itself, and if you could decipher my North Korean, it was indeed a rather muddy end with some treacherous fords to cross. For Hashmanlike Behaviour Award – Strangler for not stopping to help Mad Hatter across, and Lewinsky for the Chivalry Award for showing how its done.
SOTB had had his stag night and there were a few awards for that. Party Foul Award to SOTB for taking on three bouncers and expecting the boys to help him out; Damien for the Better Out Than In Award for puking in the rental; Dumass/Spellcheck for stealing keys; Lewinsky for the Organizational Skills Award for not letting Transporter know that this pack of fools was coming to his house; and Poumuli for the Does My Ass Look Big In This Award for asking if SOTB had stolen his dress from POD.
Overstayer had taken ProBoner out to dinner and on the way had speeded past the car with the HOS1 plates (that is the Head of State’s car) and then nearly crashed outside Home Café. This was clearly a How Not To Get To Stay in Samoa Award.
The Mad Monk of the Apia Hash then appeared, dressed as a Ninja. She proceeded to name young Alyssa after commending her tap skills – Beer Wench. Then it was Jacob’s turn, who takes after his banker father – Piggy Bank. Sexpot endured the eggs and sauce, but this may have been too much to bear for Alcatraz’s mum who quickly decamped.
Turning to Cockblocker, whose son Jax was not there but who also takes after his dad – Babyblocker. And then turning to Rachael, who had shown off more than her tattoo – Sunny Side Up.
Opening up for nominations, Fox nominated CB on behalf of the PM speaking out against family planning, while Latecummer Award went to Gayboy.
SOTB described how his festive weekend had nearly started with a really big bang, and that the Best Man had nearly written off the taxi van, as well as SOTB. While under normal circumcisions this would be commendable behaviour in this case Lewinsky was given the Worst Man Award.
Sexpot was glad to be back in Samoa and at the airport was getting into the groove, only to find that the parking ticket system didn’t work. Transporter retorted that this was now the property of the Airport Authority, opening up for the GM to decree that he was still Closest Living Relative and recipient of the Faulty F’ing Merchandise Award.
CB nominated Prince for living up to his Hash name, in ensuring that his queen was escorted safely across the fords. Beer Wench then nominated her parents for letting her drink from the keg! (surely this was a stitch-up)
The Hare and Hosts – Crime, Sassy, SOTB, Alcatraz, Damien and Magda were saluted, and Sassy thanked the Hash for the great turnout and for all the support. She concluded with noting that she had called for the run theme to be white (Godfather had wanted white t-shirts, braless and wet), so Gillian (who was wearing white) and Poumuli (who was deaf and stupid) got the last award.
We had a huge feast – awesome contribution by the Sassanid Empire!
Next weeks run will be hosted by Iapi in Vaivase. Map will be posted. Wear orange!
Poumuli, IKA Slit