Hash Trash 1769

… and unto Eunoch was born Balti: and Balti begat Haquebaqueskogen: and Haquebaqueskogen begat Methusamasala: and Methusamasala begat Lubna. And Lubna took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Alassi, and the name of the other Zillah. And Alassi bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle, and smells thereof. And Er, famous for his stuttering halting speech, the firstborn of Judah, was evil in the sight of the LORD; and he slew him. And there was much more begatting until Screamer was found under a bushel from whence came her characteristic squeal. From thence she travelled unto the shores of Samoa, yea verily unto Siusega, the land of hard tarmac and howling three legged hounds. As the time came close for her departure into the wilderness of the land of Bulavinaka, she sent a message far and wide through the Net of Inter that she would be preparing a host to host the Hash. And from far and wide the Hash gathered, verily from as far away as Nukunono in the isles of Mikadom, and from the shores of Siumu they gathered. The Grand Master called forth and thus instructed the pack to turn right; thou shalt not turn left, unless thou turnest right twice more; nor shall thou turn three times, as that would be bloody silly. And on the brave and obedient ventured, down trails not so often tread, following the trail of shredded parchment scented with asparagus infused urine. Through the village of Siusega and almost to the town of Vaitele, the pack travelled in a shape that is called square, having passed the houses of worship along the way. Upon returning to the house of Screamer there was much rejoicing and gnashing of nuts, and unto Crime went the call that verily that was a bloody good run, do you do childrens parties.

POD called the circle to order, claiming that this was run 1770 – no its not! New to Hash was Faumina, who was a friend of Sima, which led to a down down for her and Screamer. Retreads were Nutcracker, Slippery, and Hot Nuts.

Shoe inspection by Iapi failed, and he needs to bring a torch or new glasses.

Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady for Snatched (in Observer), Godfather for Uncle Fred (dancing at the SVSG function) and Lewinsky (Monica was on BBC).

This Day in History went to Pirate Princess (871 – Æthelred of Wessex defeats a Danish invasion army at the Battle of Marton – Pirate Princess has been less successful in defeating Danish invasions), Sassygirl BJ (1963 – Alcatraz, a federal penitentiary on an island in San Francisco Bay, closes) POD (International Day of Happiness – all three sprogs have Happy as part of their Hash names) and Crime (Feast Day of St Dismas the Good Thief – crucified next to Our Lord). Sunny Side Up joined them for being a latecummer.

The GM had a few awards, and started with the Unusual Fishing Gear Award for Poumuli. While there are many adept fishermen in the Hash, none of them have ever tried using their nipples for bait. This was due to Poumuli being attacked by a Triggerfish that attached itself to his tutu.

Hot Nuts got the International Woman’s Day Award for yelling “I want a good woman” on the beach within earshot of Nutcracker. Screamer got the Offensive Furniture Award for setting out chairs from where arses could not be removed, although Sassy claimed there were no issues.

On the run there had been some unseemly un-Hashman like gallantry exhibited by Prince and Iapi, stopping and halting to ensure everyone found their way. This was doubled for using IRA’s real name who had assisted them. Then IRA and Charlie got a Sporting Award for Ireland winning the 6 Nations, joined by Murray for the NZ cricket semis (he was happy not to be described as an elderly Aussie this time).

Opening up for nominations, Sassy nominated Godfather, who although complaining of hip pains completed the whole trail (no you didn’t!). She joined Godfather as this was the first time she had beaten him back. Slippery was also made to join as he too had been tagging along for a change. Iapi opined that Murray was not a retread but a flat tire, in that he never goes on the run.

Sassy nominated Rona for the employee of the week award, for her tireless service at Palusami. Poumuli had seen a cool sign on the run for the Hash Shrine (Tire 4 Sale) and urged Crime to “do something about it”, and then nominated IRA for allowing her daughter to float off into the strong tide at Vavau, dangerous man-nipple-eating fish and all. For saving the sprog Poumuli got the Hero Award.

Slim Shady on the heroics theme nominated Hot Nuts for the Necessitating Air Ambulance Award, for walking along a high crumbling cliff and nearly falling down. She also nominated Screamer and Nutcracker for not caring an iota and enjoying their yum cha instead.

Sassy nominated a Hash Mere for some domestic violence, argy bargy, 5o shades of grey and wanting to get slapped around – Titty Galore and Godfather for some rough canoodling in the circle. Poumuli nominated Lewinsky, and this time it resulted in an assault, so both got a down down.

The Host and the Hare were saluted. Slim Shady made the appeal to attend the Voices 4 Vanuatu event at Home Café on the 31^st.

Here would be Poumuli’s entry in the sung poetry category:

Last night I dreamt a dreadful dream, a dream of woe and fear

I dreamt Vailima went on strike and there was no more beer

I dreamt of empty bottles, crates, as everyone had quit

I know there’s Taula in the shops, but boy it tastes like shit

We do not have a venue or a Scribe for next week, so watch the blog.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit