Friday, August 23, 2013

Hash Trash Run 1687

This week’s hash run was hosted by CB, DMT and Jax at Taumeasina.  CB the hare set a fairly long and arduous run (roughly 7.5km), which was welcomed by the many who were training for the upcoming 104km perimeter relay run. The run was set from Taumeasina and on right towards Apia Park.  After a few false trails and cuts backs the herd came trampling through Fogavai and Faatoia, up Faipule Rd, down Fuaiupolu Rd and then with a herd split off at Vaivase Rd...walkers and runners alike who had enough exercise continued down towards the old Blue marlin and on home, where as the battle hardened Front Running Bastards continued up towards Fagali'i airport and golf course. There was much trepidation in Tally Ho continuing with such a task as he tried to make many excuses why as not to go up and for everyone to go back down, one even including not to be running up through there if the Sa was on.  Of course Tally Ho should have known better that all hares in Samoa know their districts and villages and when the Sa times are...poor excuse but it exposed his fear of where the run may lead, but to his credit he ploughed on. After a run down past the airfield and alongside the edge of the golf course, the FRBs were all treated to a nice beachfront run home with the seabreeze proving some much needed cooling. Cold beers and nuts were well deserved that evening.  After Godfather’s sweet nuts were swallowed, the GM called the Hash circle to order.

Firstly the newcummers were up.  These included Jenny, a medical student from Germany and her partner Matt, also a medical student from Germany.  Kevin the Pom was a newcummer too, who is working for the Samoa Tourism Authority and was invited by Tallyho (or maybe I just thought that as they’re both Poms!).  As there were kegs a plenty, GM told them to take a down down.  CB had to also join them as he called Lewinsky by his non-Hash name.  During the down down Kevin wore half his Vailima on his head as he couldn’t finish his down down.

Retreads were next to be called up and included:  Crash, Dumbass, Seismic, Swinger, Alcatraz, Houdini, Offspring, Josh and Xavier.  The excuses were as follows:  Crash – can’t remember, Seismic – no excuse, Offspring – hiding, Josh – away working for STA, CB – away for work, Swinger – conjugal visit to Fiji (and work), Alcatraz – busting her buns working for STA, Houdini and Xavier were both sick (toughen up Princesses – don’t you know Vailima makes you better!).
Sexpot was the stand in shoe inspector and went around the circle.  He tried to accuse Granny Smith who vehemently refuted the call and therefore went to the only hashman that genuinely had a new pair of shoes on and that was the host, baby Jax who was wearing new baby booty shoes.  As the Hash circle didn’t want him to ruin his new shoes with Vailima, DMT was called up to have a down down for him in a normal Hash drinking vessel.

There was only one This Day in History and was when on this day, Bill Clinton finally admitted to have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.  So up Lewinsky went and had his down down.  He swallowed it well which made Granny Smith pipe up that Lewinsky was a good swallower (but much better when he wears the blue dress).

Next was the Celebrity awards and they went to Dumbass for being on TV in NZ for the Alo Pao Pao festival coming up, Julia Gillard for Ford Samoa, Fireman Sam also for the Alo Pao Pao festival (he wasn’t there so Pamela Anderson as closest living relative went up in his place) and Sexpot for being in the paper for Westpac Scholarships.
The GM’s awards were next.  First up was Seismic for having an orgasm and causing an earthquake that same morning.

The Pirate Award went to a Granny Smith for illegally downloading movies to give to Hashmeres.  Granny Smith wanted Lewinsky to join him in the down down as he was one of those people accepting his movies.
A down down went to Sexpot for playing golf instead of running with the Hashers.

The home wrecker award went to Pamela Anderson for firstly leaning on a statue of a lion and then making this statue crash to the floor.  At this point Tallyho quipped that the bloody Aussies are always trying to beat the Lions.

The GM then awarded the Banker’s Award to an unlikely Hashmere, Overstayer for swiping one of the Westpac safes and stowing it in the back of her car.
GM then mentioned another earthquake that happened in the carpark of On The Rocks by a Hash couple having a heavy petting session in the van, this being Cougar and Crash.  Cougar was at Hash but was chasing after the kids and so Crash had to take a double.

GM then announced it was baby Jax’s first birthday so the parents, CB and DMT had to take a down down and then the Hash circle sang Happy Birthday to the pint-sized birthday boy.

GM’s final nomination went to a Hashman who went for a fish with Lewinsky and when Lewinsky asked to invite GM (due to his good fishing ability), Roofie said no because it would be too much competition.  

The GM then opened nominations to the floor.  First up was Overstayer who was nominating all those people who didn’t turn up to the Father’s Day Hash even though they said they were originally coming.  Especially to DMT and CB who didn’t answer their phones.  Their right of reply was that their phones were stolen as they were sleeping.  So the GM put it to a vote – asking whether we should or should not give a down down to the family that doesn’t lock their house when going to bed.  A huge roar confirmed that CB and DMT would be having yet another down down.

Sassy then mentioned that she had been at a tourism workshop on the weekend and her colleagues were saying that they do not want ladies frolicking around in G-Strings on the beach.  At that point a distinguished Hashman aka Godfather, piped up saying “Who said that?”  Previous to the conversation, Godfather had been asleep but as soon as the word G-string was spoken he woke up. 

Sexpot nominated Lewinsky for cheering when the keg ran out last weekend at the Father’s Day hash – this was probably because there were only a few Hashers drinking it due to the no-shows so they were the only ones drinking it – but still it is a sacrilegious offence cheering when the keg ends!

Sassy nominated a Hashman who doesn’t know whether he’s married or not even though he was wearing a wedding ring and fondling his missus in the Hash circle.  This was Ali Bin Shaggin.  His right of reply was that Godfather has agreed to marry them at Hash and it hasn’t happened yet.  He almost caused himself a double down down for drinking too soon.

Witchdoctor gave a leaning down down to newcummer Matt who, due to his great heights, was leaning with his head against the ceiling of the awning.  Sexpot tried to get Lewinsky with this saying it is an OH&S hazard – Lewinsky not providing a safe Hash space for the Hashers.  Lewinsky said that Sexpot was jealous of this new tall Hashman, so Sexpot went to the lower side of the awning and went on tip toes to see if he could lean with his head too - unsuccessfully.

Pam Anderson nominated Alcatraz for not accurately describing the half iron man to the PM who thought they would be racing with irons in their hands.  Alcatraz was taking too long with her down down so Seismic took over for her.

The GM then mentioned the Bledisloe Cup and called both the winners and losers to come up.  So for the loser Australian team, those wearing gold were called up and included K-Rudd (who was actually wearing an Australian jersey), Sexpot and Naomi.  Also Blowfish was called up as she was wearing both black and gold (she couldn’t decide who to go for).  Finally Nell was called up representing Argentina for the Puma’s pitiful effort in letting the Springboks rack up 73 points in their game.

GM then mentioned how he got a message from a certain Hashman who was having trouble dialling a 1800 number.  When GM googled the number, he found out it was a Gay Dating Hotline.  Pamela Anderson tried to tell us all it was Telstra but no one believed him so he had to drink.

Ali Bin Shaggin – was trying to organise his Hash wedding when Swinger offered his place on the condition that he could watch on the wedding night.  Sexpot said he has also bought a ticket to the event.
The Inconsiderate Pervert Award went to Lewinsky as Granny Smith explained that at Hash last weekend in Savaii, his wife was going to the toilet when she was walked in on by Lewinsky and instead of Lewinsky apologising for barging in on her, he yelled out “down down!!”.  Nell was called up to for not telling Lewinsky she was in there after he knocked numerous times, and she actually beat Lewinsky in the down down.

Sassy then proceeded to nominate a hashmere who had to get rescued during the Swim Series – she wasn’t actually swimming, she was one of the kayakers there to rescue the swimmers!  Luckily her beau Pamela Anderson was there to save her – so Houdini had a down down.

It was at this point that Tallyho quietly whispered to Sexpot that he couldn’t believe he hadn’t had a down down yet.  This was quickly fixed when Sexpot brought this up to the Hash Circle.  The GM said that we all should vote on whether Tallyho has a down down or not.  Let’s just say we could hear crickets chirping when all asked “Nay”.  So Tallyho had a drink – finally!

The False Accusation Award went to Overstayer who tried to stitch Desperate Housewife and Nell up for being latecummers.  Both DH and Overstayer had arrived well before the Hash circle, DH even partaking in the hash run/walk.

DMT nominated the Masterchef Award to Josh for being the best apprentice chef ever.  Then both the BBQ cooks, Crime and Anthony both had a drink for their valiant efforts.

Granny Smith then had the task of passing on both the Rooter Hat and the Shit Award on behalf of Transporter.   The Rooter hat went to CB as he missed the boat to the Father’s Day Hash in Savaii having just returned from overseas and must have been rooting to make up for lost time.  CB was also the recipient of the Shit Award for disowning his son, saying he had never seen him before in his life.  CB was a bit overcome by getting all these awards.  So much so that he destroyed the Shit Award (decorated toilet seat), by slapping it out of Granny Smith’s hand (watch out CB, there was still the Angry Birds hat to go!).  Luckily for CB, it had to be a unanimous vote to receive the Shit Award.  It almost looked as though CB was going to cop it, but luckily Sexpot bailed him out by being the only Hasher to vote in CB’s favour.  This move prevented CB wearing the toilet seat around his neck for the rest of the night. 

Dumbass then was called up to award the much missed Angry Bird’s Hat.  Firstly he had a whinge about TTG not bringing it to previous Hashes on his behalf and then he awarded the hat to CB, not for breaking the Shit Award but for not getting any phone calls regarding paddling and having a big rant about it.

Tallyho was then talking about adding something to the Hash shrine, but then he went into a tirade about how it was such a hopeless hash run and that the FRB’s should have called Hash Halts and he was getting cross at POD for not exercising authority in telling people what to do.  At this point POD faced off with Tallyho and put him in his place.  In the end Tallyho found a golf ball that he said Sexpot must have been playing with, as his missed the Hash run for golf.  Little did Tallyho know that Sexpot was actually playing at Faleata – that must have been some drive!

POD then made an announcement about the recent tragic accident involving Imelda the Welder and her family members.  There is to be a collection to assist the family with medical costs and other expenses.  If any Hash members want to make a donation please see POD.

There was also an announcement by Sassy regarding this Saturday’s 24th Commodore’s Ball which is fundraising for the Mini Games.

Also CB announce that Jax is having his official birthday party this Saturday at CB and DMT’s place.
Finally the Hare & Host – CB, DMT and Jax all stepped up and took their down down.
Next week’s Hash is to be hosted by Granny Smith and Nell at Letava.
On On.

Desperate Housewife 

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