Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Hash Trash 1749

Once upon a time on an island far far away lived a man who sailed the seas. Of treacherous reefs and dastardly scoundrels, Hot Nuts navigated his ways through the shoals of red tape that are spread by the nefarious United Nations. When all was said and done he was going a bit dotty, so local Hashers (one Scribe) named his abode the Nuthouse. One day he decided to tell his tale, not through a story book, or pictures, but through the magical medium of a Hash Run. He sought the wise counsel of his wife, Nutcracker, who after serious thought and contemplation told him to get lost. In the bush. Which he did. And that is when the magical Hash Troll Dodraugen appeared to him in a mist of effluent vapours, and showed him the way through the forest to emerge at the little encampment of fales on the road to the haunted waterworks installed by mad Germans seeking to appease their salubrious totems. Having pleaded with the local villagers to let him pass – you simply do not pass – using his gift of mangled syntax and additional testiculation – and all at the fales agreed, yes indeed this man has heated testicular fortitude – he was allowed to set the magical trail that the Hashers would “enjoy” in a few days. Being a man of environmental sensibilities, Hot Nuts prudently strew the trail with paper shreds specially masticated by gnomes that live in the shadowy compound at Vailima known as Treehugger Central. Or Carbon Footprint Size 12, depending on which grump you talk to. To add to this highly environmentally surly behaviour he included lengths of the red tape sourced from the UN-shoals. These are also very friendly to the ecosystem and will disappear in approximately ten thousand years. The Hashers assembled for the wondrous story telling event at the appointed time, and all were about as excited as a Parisian crowd watching a mime performance. The Hash Troll had illuminated the mind of Hot Nuts well, as the trail went around the fence of the Nut House and up and down, up and down an old track that had been created thousands of seconds ago by a bovine dozer. Treacherous vines grappled at our ankles, but we were kept in grievous good spirits by Vai Vai blowing on Monica. The hills took their toll, so after much huffing and puffing it soon appeared that Monica was blowing Vai Vai. Entering the fales we respectfully made our obeisance to the dwellers, including Tallyho who softly said the magical words On On at the top of his voice – and by top we mean it could be heard on Mount Silisili. Out on the road some confusion reigned, perhaps it was the Hash Troll luring the pack down to the dreaded waterworks where Dick Cheney awaits with planks for some waterboarding. In the end we found our way, and while the dreaded Hound of the Raystaxis attempted to de-leg Vai Vai and your Scribe, all made it safely On Home. Appropriately as usual Godfather had provided that luxuriously refreshing drink that emanates from cracking open his succulent nuts.

As mentioned the Hash was hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker, and a herd of Australian Hashers and Newbies had also assembled to join us. POD the GM called the  circle to order and asked these visitors to step forward. They were Pete, Blake, Tom, Jewel, Nigel and Dan, and Hashers Grumpy, Tippy, Sticky and Cockfighter. They were over for Dan’s birthday which we will come back to.
The Retreads were Murray (slow learner), Captain Mortein (procreating), Ring Ring (injured), Snake (infesting NZ) and Eveready (he hadn’t owned up at run 1747). Ring Ring forgot her hat on, and had to be helped with her double by Murray.

Moa was asked to be Shoe Inspector and she hit a triple whammy – Nigel, Tom and Screamer all had new shoes. A double was given for hat wearing, with Nigel commenting on the superlative means of drinking beer and that this would now be his vessel of choice.

This Day in History Awards went to Hot Nuts for Gayboy (1851 – William Lassell, discovers the moons Umbriel, and Ariel, orbiting Uranus – while this would excite Gayboy, Hot Nuts was more excited by your Scribe’s enunciation), Poumuli (1905 – Sweden accepted the independence of Norway) and this included United Nations Day. Godfather took Swinger’s (Feast Day of St James the Just).

Celebrity Awards went to Hot Nuts for not being in the United Nations system photo of Pinktober, while POD took one for Lewinsky, at the announcement of the Lewinsky Twitter feed. Snake added that he had seen Godfather on NZ TV.

Turning to the run, the GM was grateful for the return of Monica, and awarded Vai Vai the Blowjob Award for a job well blown. Also, reports had come in that Grumpy had taken a tumble on the run and looked like a whale on land. Claiming that he had been pushed, he appealed to the deaf ears of the GM.

When Tallyho was here last he faithfully brought his coconut mug along. Well now he has a new mug, which he claims is superior and the next best thing to the Holy Grail. In his explanation of this to the GM he went way further, and claimed that it had a sticky bottom, attributable to the liberal application of haemorrhoid cream which explained why the GM reacted to his hands like he had Ebola. I believe this was a Too Much Information Award.

The GM had noted the inability of the Oz visitors to pour their beers properly, and that they needed Titty Galore’s assistance, so a Beer Abuse Award went to Sticky. Latecummers Crash Bandicoot and Cougar were greeted, before Tallyho launched into a tirade about the missing Hash Shrine. He claimed that when he left he had handed this to the most responsible Hasher of all – Eveready – only to find that he had handed it to the least responsible Hasher of all – Gayboy. He also presented the rock from last week's run by which Pussysnatcher smote the evil mutt, but now enveloped in the red tape that Hot Nuts had made him wear on the run. Eveready took this in his stride until Vai Vai handed him a diet Coke instead of beer!

Hot Nuts had been at a dinner, where Swinger had proclaimed that he would shout only to find that he didn’t have enough cash and had to borrow from his Mum! Eveready chimed in that it must run in the family, as Godfather was reported to have done something similar at a past Hash. Godfather offered the explanation that every morning he has to beg Titty G for money, obviously for services rendered, and thus the Chinese Wallet Award went to Titty G.

The birthday boy Dan was saluted with the English and Samoan birthday songs, followed by the Hash Anthem performed for Blowfish who is leaving us, but promised to come back next year for the wedding of SOTB and Alcatraz.

Watch the blog for next week’s run and Swinger will be asked to be Assistant Trainee Scribe again as your Scribe is off to Vanuatu for a week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

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