Where the Hash leads the real world follows: this evening’s entertainment was every inch the lead-into the real Olympics in pommyland; we had confusion about the venue (the keg nearly got taken by the military next door), we had traffic jams and security checks to get into event, we had countries with funny-sounding names that only get heard of every four years or when they have a coup, we had cheating, we had dodgy umpires, we had even dodgier scoring, we had disqualification and reinstatement of winning teams, we had some hashmen and hashmeres trying not to win (well not to be involved at all come to that) and we had others who pushed themselves to the limit in search of that elusive medal, we had gloating winners, and losers in tears complaining to the organisers; the only thing that was different was that the marathon came at the beginning of the games and not at the end. With Pussy Snatcher as the hare no-one expected the marathon to be a flat road run, and how right we were. Down the road to RLS and through the botanic garden with Swinger and CB racing to the front. But the trail was lost; while the FRBs rooted around in the garden looking for paper another part of the pack crazily followed Tallyho up the track towards the tomb; then somewhere in the distance a cry of on-on was heard from an unknown hashman and the trail was found through a hedge and down into the stream bed. At this point it was very hashman and mere for themselves as we slipped, tripped, staggered and generally risked life and limb clambering over, under and round the usual stuff of large rocks, fallen trees and muddy pools. At some point the trail had taken a right fork in the stream and instead of ending up below the forestry nursery we eventually came out of the stream on the other side of the cattle paddock. In the murky darkness it was hard to follow the paper and the pack was widely scattered through the jungle. As the second Hasheton cleared the bush Charlie was there to hold the barbed wire, Tallyho took over and finally when GayBoy arrived he held the wire while we waited for Transporter and his driver to adjust themselves as they came out of the bush from a completely different direction. Across the paddock and up past the forestry yard, although some later claimed the trail had actually gone further up the valley to the path below Orgy Georgy’s place, and on home past packs of baying hounds. As the pack staggered in they were met by the hosts, Slim Shady and Frances trying to organise the pack into country teams for the “games”; Transylvania, Buttavia, Republic of Vailima and France(??). Chaos ensued as the pack tried to decide who would be in which team and who would take the hoola hoop as the first leg of the relay; this was followed by eating a chocolate bar with no hands, somehow the hashmen, notably Snake, seemed to manage this better than the meres, maybe snake and perhaps a few other hashmen get to put their noses down and eat with no hands often; then the egg and spoon race, CB managed to drop his egg on the tennis court and from here it was to the archery where Emily had volunteered to have a target pasted to her boobs and to have a bunch of lecherous hashmen hurl arrows at her; Eveready was clearly overcome and couldn’t get his arrow up; your Scribe thinks Emily has been scarred for life by this experience; then another no hands bobbing apple bowl saw Lady Finger nose down in the trough, later to be seen munching nonchalantly on his apple; then to the swimming where the AYADs appeared to have come prepared stripping off into their bathers and diving into the pool, well at least the Australians did well in this pool even if not in the Olympic pool. And finally the last leg of the relay saw GayBoy leap over the pool fence and try to grab the beer but Transporter had already grabbed his team’s beer before heading to the finish line. It was anyone’s guess who had won, everyone had cheated and Tomorrow was left standing vainly holding an apple and the egg and spoon asking who was in his team. And on to the circle.
There was a veritable swarm of Virgins and new footprints: Murray, Gloria from Italy, Lucy, Mark, Tina, Megan, Siv, Ray, Alana, Fana and Ryan. For many of the new AYADs this was obviously part of their induction programme; did I overhear Frances saying to them afterwards to make sure that if they saw any of the hashmen in a bar they should be avoided at all costs.
There were also almost as many retreads, none of whom had a decent excuse to offer so they all got DDs for lack of initiative: Emily and Charlie, Hot Flush and Horny Ho, Slippery, Slim Shady, Ali Bin Shaggin, Buzzer and Popeye making a special reappearance after about 15 years.
Snake was then brought out of retirement to be the shoe inspector, after much futile searching he finally picked on Lucy for having the newest-looking shoes; when told that she must now drink from the said shoes her face took on a look of absolute horror…. the kids of today all brought up in sterile houses where no self-respecting germ can be found..… ahhh .. when your scribe was a boy we used to drink from jam-jars full of tadpoles when we was thirsty, and that gave us cast-iron constitutions so that we can now eat hash-snags without getting the runs… .
With no Poumuli and the GM forgetting the history stuff it was straight to celebrities, which funnily enough was the GM (double), as well as Lucy and Megan from the AYADs; Siv was also caught for this with a later dob cos she was hiding the first time round. Lewinsky also appeared in the fishing news, presumably for being a fisherman with no fish.
Now we came to the dobs, the part we all love to watch as long as we are not the target; first up were Transporter and his driver for not following the trail and appearing out of the bush together looking hot and flustered. Next to feel the GM’s finger (figuratively speaking) was GayBoy who was seen getting a handful of coconut to throw at some dogs in the road when a small stone would have done the trick, GayBoy clearly likes having a good handful of nuts.
The circle was next regaled with the tale of a very “tired and emotional” CB who was so inebriated that he was unable to find his way home from Y-Not and apparently woke up next to Dumbass’ mother-in-law the next morning. Snake then caught one for being the Closest Living Person to EPC for the 25% hike in power prices coming into effect on 1 August.
Slim Shady was next to try her luck by dobbing Eveready for aiming low at the target damsel on the archery range, it seems he has a limp wrist and was unable to toss the arrow towards the target and instead the arrow was a “low-blow”. Tallyho then got into this argument and tried to defend Eveready on the basis that he was a lucky hashman, but Karaoke was on the war-path and somehow both Eveready and Tallyho were in the circle. Lewinsky was next for trying to deliver the keg to the Australian Army next door, fortunately the security on the gate thought it was a bomb and told him to bugger-off so he brought the keg next door. Snatch then caught Lewinsky while he was in a weakened state relating a story that Lewinsky had told all the kids to “call me uncle” when all the young meres were around at the beach. No doubt both he and Eveready spent the night on the doorstep. Frances was called next for coercing all the young AYADs into coming to hash, but forewarned is forearmed if not foreskinned.
The GM next ordered a congratulatory for VaiVai and Moa for the Team Shark-Bait in the Swim-Samoa series. Unfortunately the sharks have good taste and didn’t want to eat VaiVai, pity really.
Gayboy was next to try his luck, he wanted to dob Prince because Prince had asked him if he was a real “Gay Boy” when GB was sitting next to his mum.. it seems that GB has not explained to his mum how he came to get his name. It’s quite likely that she still wouldn’t understand even if he did try to tell her.
ZsaZsa was next in the circle for coming late (as usual); and then Lewinsky dobbed the GM and GayBoy for being cheapskates at GB’s infamous half-star restaurant. In the absence of the Godfather hash-music tonight had been provided by that duet extraordinaire Slim Shady & Frances who received a congratulatory DD to the acclamation of the circle; but ZsaZsa got caught for failing to sing. The Alternative Olympic winners Crime, Snake, CB, Lucy, Snatch and Transporter’s Driver also got a congratulatory much to the annoyance of everyone else cos they had cheated the best.
Finally we had the hares and hosts; Frances, Slim Shady and PussySnatcher, great run, great fun, and a great hash evening as always.